Disclaimer: I do not own Glee.
=:= one and a half years later =:=
BLAINE
Time had never seemed to pass faster. Before he knew it, Blaine had successfully finished his sophomore year in college, and with a few crash courses and summer classes, he had even manage to get himself completely caught up from his freshman year setback. It had been stressful – a lot of late nights and an unhealthy amount of coffee – but he was back on track and it felt good. For once in his life, things seemed to be going according to plan, even if the plan seemed to have changed along the way.
He considered taking a few courses over the summer like Kurt would be, but it didn't taking much convincing on Rachel's part to persuade him to take a break after all the hard work he'd put into his studies. He liked the idea of finally getting to enjoy summer in New York, having effectively skipped it the year last. Before finals weeks, he had withdrawn from the music study he had signed up for, reveling in the sense of ease that washed over him. This was going to be a good summer, he decided, a much needed vacation.
The only drawback was that he because he wouldn't be an active student during the next semester, he was required by the university to leave the dorm. He couldn't see himself living with Jesse again. Blaine had carved out a little niche for himself around NYU, complete with his own friends and a steady job, and even though everything in New York could be considered relatively close, he couldn't imagine leaving that all behind.
Then there was the fact that Jesse and Rachel were still together, like a proper couple, even if Blaine had lost track of the times they had technically broken-up, only to be wrapped up in each other on the steps to Broadway a few days later. He loved them both, and was happy for them, but sometimes it was extremely overwhelming to be around them. Their personalities alone were more than most people could handle, and together they were practically unstoppable and Blaine had been in the middle of enough of their arguments as it was; if he lived with Jesse, he wouldn't be able to escape them at all.
Living with Rachel, to put it simply, wasn't an option. No matter how platonic he and Rachel were nowadays, Blaine knew Jesse wouldn't allow it. Especially since it had only been half a year since Rachel had refused his offer to live together, Blaine couldn't imagine a world in which Jesse would be happy with his girlfriend living with another guy even if they could conveniently forget about their past involvements. And even if he were, the idea of living with Rachel was somehow more daunting to him than being homeless on the streets, for reasons he knew were better to keep to himself. She still snuck up on him occasionally, leveling him completely out of the blue and though he was happily in love with Kurt once more, it was sometimes still hard to ignore the effect Rachel could have on him.
As it turned out, Kurt had applied for an apartment closer to the magnet school where he would be taking elective fashion courses over the summer, conveniently only ten minutes away from the dorm Blaine was being kicked out of. It was kismet, he'd said when he asked Blaine to move in with him for the summer and Blaine hadn't even hesitated to say yes. It was practical, it didn't take him too far from where he wanted to stay, and Kurt was his boyfriend. It only seemed natural and he could only smile as Kurt hurriedly sketched out a renewed color and design pallet to suit the both of them.
It had taken some getting used to, living with Kurt, and the cramped apartment didn't leave much room for personal space, but they made it work. The first few weeks were spent trying to get used to being around each other constantly and all the idiosyncrasies that came with it. Blaine tended to sleep later than Kurt, which drove the other boy up the wall, but Kurt's nightly routine was almost as time-consuming as Rachel's and sometime Blaine just wanted to shower and sleep. But there were good things about it too, the fact that Kurt always had breakfast – or lunch – ready for whenever Blaine did get up, or that sometimes Kurt would watch the late-night movie with him instead of spending it in the bathroom. Even if they did trip over each other in some way every day or argue about whose turn it was to wash the dishes, it felt very natural.
It wasn't like they spend every minute together either. Kurt's classes took up a lot of his time and his homework took up even more. Blaine still had his job to go to and somehow, about two weeks into the summer break, a friend had roped him into recording vocals for a few demo songs he was engineering for a class project. He'd been happy to do it, but that somehow lead to singing with his band on Saturday nights and while he'd been hesitant at first, he had to admit he still got a certain thrill when it came to performing. It was therapeutic in way that he missed, even if he didn't have the passion for it that Kurt and Rachel did.
And Rachel, if it were possible, was even more passionate than ever as it came to the brink of her senior and final year at NYADA. Ever since her role in Cabaret, she'd been in almost every school production in some way and had even been part of an internship of sorts in an off-Broadway theater where she had been allowed to participate in a workshop, even if she wasn't involved in any actual productions. Every step she seemed to take took her closer to the ultimate dream and she was determined not to lose any momentum over the summer, going to any open audition she could and dragging Blaine along the way.
"I'm not going to have a safety net anymore," Rachel explained as they sat on the grass in Central Park, munching on the french fries Blaine insisted she eat if she wanted to run around the city until sundown. "I need to at least be vaguely recognizable outside the little bubble that is NYADA."
"Rach, you don't have anything to worry about," Blaine chuckled, squeezing her knee in a gesture of comfort. "You work harder than anyone I know and you're not exactly without connections. Rosenbaum actually likes you now and even if he's not casting shows anymore, he knows people. And then there's Jesse, your boyfriend."
"First of all, I'd like to think I can get in on my own merits," she told him, shoving his shoulder playfully as she did, "and secondly, what does Jesse have to do with it?"
"He does work for real theaters," he reminded her.
"He does, but he doesn't work in casting," Rachel shrugged. "If I were just a dancer, then maybe he could help, but I want to do all of it. Besides, he's so busy with trying to keep his own company together, I'd hate to ask him to do my work for me."
"It's still like having a foot in the door," Blaine responded, "or a toe at least."
"He has enough going on without having to worry about me," she insisted.
"And again, he's your boyfriend," Blaine repeated, unable to keep the edge of irritation from his voice at the word. "He's supposed to worry about you. It's his job."
"I'm sure he does," Rachel said with a roll of her eyes, "but half of his company has run off because the building is under inspection, which means his job is on the line and it's just a very stressful time for him right now. I'm doing all I can to be there for him, but there's not much I can actually do. Maybe he could help me, I don't know, but since I'm still in school, I'd rather see him use his efforts to find his own job and not mine."
"He'll be fine," Blaine said, picking off blades of grass one by one. "If there's one thing Jesse's good at, it's taking advantage of an open opportunity."
"What do you mean by that?" Rachel asked, looking at him with wide eyes and she looked so innocent when she did that, he couldn't help but smile. She was happy with Jesse, he knew that and if he had issues from time to time with it, well that was Blaine's problem, not hers. So he did what he always did, did more and more often, and pushed it back.
"Nothing really," he laughed with a shake of his head. Her brow arched gracefully and he could sense that she expected more of an answer. Somethings were better left alone, or at least left out of his hands, and he didn't want to fight with her, so he instead rapidly changed the subject, hoping she would go along. "Did I tell you I talked to Michelle the other day?"
"Oh yeah?" Rachel said with interest, pulling closer to Blaine with a smile. "What did she have to say?"
"The better question is what didn't she have to say," he grinned as she laughed. "She has a new girlfriend, new major, new tattoo. She's always doing something, you know. I miss her sometimes."
"Maybe you could go visit her," Rachel suggested.
"I was actually thinking of inviting her to visit me here in New York," Blaine countered. "I think she'd like it and I know she would kill to get out of Ohio."
"I think that's a great idea!" Rachel exclaimed with excitement. "I've always wanted to meet her. It's weird that I haven't actually; she's practically your best friend."
"You're my best friend," Blaine corrected her, knocking his shoulder into hers as she blushed. "I haven't asked her yet or anything and I haven't even talked to Kurt about it. I don't know if he'd be too crazy about the idea, especially since she would have to stay with us."
"It might be a little weird for him," she said with a thoughtful nod, "but you and Michelle are just friends and once he sees that, it should work out. You never know, he might even have fun with it."
"Fun might be stretching it," he said with a laugh. "I'll talk to him about it."
"If he's really not comfortable with it, Michelle is always welcome to stay with me," Rachel offered in alternative, resting her chin on Blaine's shoulder.
"You and Michelle together, now that's just begging for trouble," he teased, leaning his forehead against hers. She shoved him away with a roll of her eyes. His arms caught around her waist and she fell against his chest; they both hit the ground with a soft thud and he smiled to himself as she wrapped herself around him. Their legs jumbled loosely together, her arms around his shoulders which she used as a pillow, quietly humming a harmony to match his own. They lay in the park for another hour, quiet and content under the summer sun. It occurred to him that this was time Rachel could have spent chasing her star around Broadway, but she didn't make any move to leave, even when he suggested that maybe they should. She just snuggled in closer, tighter and some small part of him let himself believe this was the summer he first moved to New York, when things were this easy. No worries, no impending and uncertain futures or overly-complicated social circles. It was just him and Rachel, passing the time on a blanket in Central Park simply because they could. But then her cell phone rang, and his chimed with a text message and their real lives beckoned them home.
-:-
It hadn't taken too much convincing on Kurt's part once Blaine sprung the idea of Michelle's visit on him. His only real concern, at least the only one he voiced, was that they didn't have a spare bedroom for anyone to stay in and that he felt bad asking a guest to sleep on the couch for two weeks. Getting Michelle to agree had actually been the harder part, her concerns were almost exactly as Blaine had predicted, mostly centered around Kurt and her indirect past with him. "Fuck you, you charming asshole," she laughed when she finally gave in after an hour and half on the phone as he cheered in victory, yelling at Kurt that he would have to buy those extra pillows after all.
Both Rachel and Kurt had offered to go to the airport with him to pick her up, but Blaine ended up going on his own. It had been so long since they had seen each other and selfishly, he wanted a few minutes alone with his friend before he had to pass her off to introductions and new people. It was just as well, as they ended up making quite a scene with just the two of them alone. Michelle had spotted him first and she barreled through the exiting crowd to jump on his back. He just barely caught her, and if it hadn't been for her arms wrapped snug against his chest and her legs around his waist, he might have fallen and taken her with him. Instead he could only laugh as she pointed towards baggage claim and demanded to be carried there, never mind the fact that they were both twenty-something year olds acting like toddlers.
"What are we doing tonight?" she asked eagerly after they left Port Authority and took the stairs underground to the subway, toying with the metro card Blaine had purchased for her.
"First, we're going to my place to put your suitcase away," Blaine explained. "You really don't want to lug this thing around Times Square."
"Dude, I am in New York," she argued. "I would carry bricks around Times Square if it kept me there longer."
"I'm pretty sure that doesn't work," he laughed. "You're here for two weeks, there's plenty of time for you to ransack the place, but trust me, you need to start empty-handed."
"Fine, I'll go along with you city boy, but it's my first night here and I don't want to spend it riding around in tunnels or at your place watching you play house," she grinned as she spoke and he was struck with oddest sense of being homesick for her. Every day since she'd agreed to come visit him, and now that she was actually here, he realized exactly how much he missed her and it was the damnedest thing. "We're going out tonight, right?"
"I think Kurt wanted to make us a quiet dinner and get to know you," he said with a shrug. Hearing her groan, he started to chuckle. "I'm kidding. I'm singing with a few friends tonight at a club, so assuming you don't mind listening me-"
"Show off?"
"Sing," he spoke over her, a smile on his lips, "then we usually go out for dinner before heading over there."
"And by 'we', you mean who exactly?" she asked him.
"Kurt, Jesse and Rachel."
"You brought me a buffer, I'm so proud," she sighed happily, punching him lightly on the arm. "And the Rachel, huh? It's about time you brought this girl around for my approval."
"Yes, because your approval means so much to me," he replied with a mocking grin.
"Obviously it should," she insisted with a brusque nod of her head. "Baring the Kurt situation of course."
"Come on Michelle," he said with exasperation. "Kurt's looking forward to properly meeting you and you don't really know him."
"I'm sorry if my first impression of him was already made by watching you tear yourself apart over him," she said in the most casual way, he couldn't even be mad at her. With Michelle, it wasn't her being spiteful or holding a grudge, though he supposed she probably still did in her own way. It was just the way she felt and she never held that back from anyone. It was simultaneously the thing he liked best and worst about her but when they'd first met, it was everything he wanted to be in a way.
"He's changed a lot," Blaine said in defense, keeping his tone as casual as hers. "We both have and we must be doing something right since I've been with him for over a year and a half. He's important to me and you may not like him, but please try and have an open mind towards him these next few weeks. It would mean a lot to me."
"Sometimes I wonder why I let you open that adorable mouth," she said, accompanied by an over-exaggerated sigh. "You can talk me into anything, you know that?"
He laughed, knowing that was a "yes" from Michelle if he ever heard one and stood as the train pulled up. "I'm aware," he smirked, taking her by the hand before she could demand another ride on his back. They bantered back and forth the whole ride back to his apartment and she was perfectly amicable when Kurt came home from his last class, making room on the couch next to Blaine so that he could sit down. Blaine felt a flash of nervousness, unsure of what to expect between the two of them past polite introductions. Kurt stayed mostly quiet, a curious look on his face as if he were studying them, but eventually the conversation rounded out between the three of them, especially after Michelle mentioned her new major in fashion merchandising, which Kurt took a keen interest to.
Once they got started talking about personalizing fabric types, they paid him no attention, completely involved in each other. The irony wasn't lost on Blaine and based on the semi-astonished glances Michelle kept sending his way, she had noticed it as well. They weren't about to skip down 5th Avenue hand in hand while they went shopping – though it probably wasn't too far off – but accepting their common ground was a start. Blaine found himself lost and was greatly relieved when the knock on the door gave him an excuse to slide out from between them.
The smile he'd had on his face ever since he had picked up Michelle slipped slightly when he opened the door to Jesse and Rachel. They were standing apart from each other, not even holding hands. He didn't need Jesse's scowl to know they were fighting again; he could see it the tension that traced the corners of her lips, remaining even as she threw on her most practiced grin and reached out to hug Blaine. He returned the embrace, partly out of habit, but mostly to offer her the little comfort she so clearly needed. Jesse's eyes narrowed at the gesture and he didn't seem to be glaring as much at Rachel as he was at Blaine, for reasons Blaine couldn't even begin to guess but it didn't stop him from staring stonily in return over Rachel's shoulder. No matter how well they got along normally, when it came down to choosing between Jesse and Rachel, well Blaine's choice was usually the obvious one.
Rachel linked her arm with Blaine's, which only seemed to annoy Jesse further, and led them all back into the living room. Michelle was laughing at something Kurt had said, both oblivious to the enmity between the two newcomers, greeting them happily. Underneath the worry he had for Rachel, Blaine was surprised to feel that old flutter of nervousness return as Michelle and Rachel introduced themselves. It seemed pleasant enough but he could tell that Rachel's distraction was holding Michelle back and it only got more awkward as Jesse made his own introduction as "a mutual friend", his smile brazen and flirty, one Michelle eagerly returned.
Rachel seemed to notice this too and Blaine followed as she slipped away to the kitchen and found her filling one of his plastic cups with water from the tap. "We have tea in the fridge," he offered but she just shook her head. "What's going on Rachel?"
"Nothing important," she said dismissively but one glance from Blaine seemed to crack her. She heaved a deep sigh. "Jesse didn't want to come tonight. He's been working all week and just wanted to stay home, but I told him it was important to you that we be here to meet Michelle. We got into a huge fight about it and that led to a lot of other things."
"Like what?"
"Just... other things," she said slowly and he could tell she wasn't going to elaborate on what those other things might be. "It's nothing new, honestly and at least Jesse appears to be enjoying himself now that he's here."
Blaine bit back the reply that rested on the tip of his tongue, that Jesse was having his good time at Rachel's expense, but nothing put Rachel on the defensive more, even when she was upset. Instead he just rubbed comforting circles into her back while she silently drank her water. Kurt joined them and without her even saying a word, he knew to sweep her into a tight hug, whispering quietly that whatever was going on would work out the way she wanted it to. She beamed in his arms and Blaine couldn't fight the warmth that spread through his chest as he watched the two most important people in his life. They giggled to themselves over some private joke, tugging him into their embrace.
Rachel's mood was significantly better by the time they left for the club and when Blaine had to disappear to unload the band's equipment, everyone seemed to be getting along as best he could hope for considering their seemed to be an ex-something to someone sitting at every corner. He couldn't really keep tabs on them between the lights and the crowd while he was on stage, but every now and then when he did get to wander over to their spot, the seating arrangement changed with every turn.
"What's the story with Jesse?" Michelle asked during his first break between sets.
"No," Blaine said sternly, fixing her with a solid gaze as she gasped an scandalized what? to which he shook his head in disbelief. "Don't even think about it Michelle."
"And what makes you think you know what I'm thinking about?" she asked needlessly.
"Jesse's off limits," he insisted.
"That's up to Jesse."
"Please, just don't," Blaine repeated with an earnest sigh. "Jesse and Rachel, they fight and they make up. This is what they do. But you get to leave in two weeks and I'll have to pick up the pieces around here when you do."
"I just think he's hot," she laughed, slinging her arm around his shoulder, "and as for the thing with Rachel, well I think you'd have a hard time pushing her away if she came to you for comfort."
"She's my best friend."
"Jesse's your friend too," Michelle said as if she thought she had to remind him. "But you'd pick her."
Blaine didn't have time to argue with her as his friends called him back on stage for their second set. But the thought plagued him; not because he was sure she was wrong, but because he knew she was absolutely right. He considered Jesse a good friend and in the beginning, when he and Rachel would fight, he would take Blaine out for a beer and talk to him about it. But Rachel would more often than not call for his advice as well and as hard as Blaine tried to stay impartial, he couldn't when it came to her. He wasn't afraid to call her out if he felt she was at fault, though he never did it as often as he did for Jesse. It made him feel guilty, that he couldn't be there for Jesse the way he could for Rachel, not when listening to her cry built up a little more resentment towards him whenever it happened.
He had meant to pick up where he and Michelle left off during his last break, but Rachel had grabbed him by the wrist and dragged him out to the dance floor, complaining that no one would dance with her and this would be her only shot. Some song he'd never played from the jukebox as she twirled around him, looking as if she were having the time of her life. The yellow trim of her dress clung to her legs the way she clung to his arms and all thoughts of Michelle and Jesse and even Kurt left his head as he danced with Rachel. They were carefree and wild, if only for a few minutes, and it was like a shot of adrenaline to his heart when he realized she was smiling again, her real smile. It lit up the room.
The rest of the night passed quickly and it was past 2 AM before they even made it out of the club and started their walks home. They paused at an open diner that sold pizza by the slice where they parted from Rachel and Jesse, who seemed to have made up enough to hold hands as they headed for a bus stop. Michelle and Kurt were animatedly reenacting something Blaine didn't remember doing on stage, laughing over the exaggerated faces the other made and coddling him when he pretended to pout.
Kurt started getting ready for bed as soon as they got to the apartment – Blaine could fault him, he had classes starting early morning – but Blaine stayed with Michelle in the living room under the pretense of helping her get settled on the couch.
"Was your first night in New York up to par?" he asked with a smile as she flopped down on the sheets they had tucked under the couch cushions.
"I'm exhausted," she complained, tugging him down to sit and she nestled her head in his lap. "You were really good up there, you know, on stage and your friends are all really nice. I can see why you ran away from me to live here."
He rolled her eyes at her running away joke, which earned him a half-hearted punch to his shoulder. "Did you like everyone?" he asked a little self-consciously. "Jesse and Rachel, I mean. I already know how you feel about Kurt."
"I like Kurt," she whispered, eyes downcast.
"Really?" Blaine said without thinking.
"No one is more surprised than I am," she laughed, kicking her shoes off her feet. "We have more in common than I thought we would and he really loves you. Like, he really loves you."
"I really love him," he smiled, that warm feeling back in his chest over her admission.
"And Rachel?" she asked, so quietly that he'd almost missed it. He stiffened slightly but he knew she had felt it and she was now gazing at him expectantly. He knew his usual answers of "she's my best friend, of course I love her" wouldn't satisfy her, even if that was the only truth he really had to offer.
"Rachel and I are long over," he told her, the words coming out slowly.
"That doesn't mean anything," she insisted and there was a small part of him that was angry at her for pushing this. She knew how hard it had been for him to let go, to make peace with the mistakes he'd made with Rachel. "I see the way you look at her," she continued in that same hushed tone. "It's not wrong, you know, to still love her."
"Rachel's in love with Jesse," Blaine shook his head in denial. "Jesse's in love with Rachel and I am in love with Kurt."
"But are you in love with Kurt because Rachel's in love with Jesse?" she asked and the question made his head spin. It didn't really make sense to him, as simple as it sounded.
"Michelle," was all he said and it must have sounded defensive or like some kind of warning because she sat up immediately, her face fierce and determined as she returned to his eye-level.
"It's a legitimate question Blaine," she said severely, though the concern in her eyes was still evident. "I know you're not like me; I move on from one thing to the next faster than you can blink. When you fall in love, I don't think you ever really fall out. If you could have seen your face when you were dancing with her – god, I don't think I've ever looked at anyone like that. Even you, but you manage to do it with her and with Kurt. It's different between them but it's there and one day, you're going to have to hurt one of them."
"I- I don't- What are you talking about?" Blaine finally said with an uneasy laugh. "I always get confused when you do this, just jump into these things."
"You should be confused," she agreed. "I'm confused."
He didn't really have anything to say after that and she didn't seem to have anymore questions as she leaned into Blaine's side, curling up into a ball as they watched late night black and white reruns. She fell asleep, and he thought ruefully how easy it seemed for her to do so when he would be up for much longer with only her words for company.
-:-
KURT
Kurt liked Michelle, and that was the problem.
He knew about her, of course, had learned all he thought there really was to know about Blaine's fling with her. But that's all she really was to Kurt, a misguided fling his boyfriend had had a few years ago. One who happened to remain his friend, but she lived in Ohio and they were in New York. So even if she stayed in contact and he had to listen to Blaine laugh over some private joke, she wasn't really an active part of their lives and he didn't have to consider her past the occasional phone call.
He would never say he panicked when Blaine asked if Michelle could come for a visit, but the idea bothered him more than he let on; since he couldn't quite put his finger on why that was and he hated to say no just for the sake of saying no, he agreed. It was worth it to see Blaine excited about something after working so hard to catch up in his classes, even if it was seeing an ex-girlfriend or whatever she really was. At the end of the day, Blaine was happy and that was what Kurt had wanted.
When he walked in the door on her first day to see her sprawled all over Blaine on the couch – and that Blaine was letting her – his first instinct had been to give into the surge of jealousy he felt. He squashed it down as he said hello and it disappeared completely when she cleared room for him on the couch to sit next to his boyfriend. Even if they did kind of ignore him, the gesture of inclusion was nice and it gave him a chance to take in his first real look at her. She was considerably average, was his initial thought, with blonde hair that feel in waves down to her chin, bright and animated yes, a pretty enough face but nothing that he would have taken a second look at.
It wasn't her looks that held Blaine's attention though, he soon came to realize, but rather her personality. He found himself laughing along with them at her jokes and animated story telling. She had an abundance of energy which she channeled into an effortless wit. She was smart, rattling off statistics for anything off the top of her head, and incredibly articulate. She almost never seemed to stumble over her words and there was a confidence in her that he found himself marveling at. It was attractive on her, and he could start to understand the appeal she held for Blaine, even if he didn't feel it himself.
That's when the panic really set in; seeing her and seeing Blaine with her, it caused something to change in his eyes. Blaine was bisexual. Of course he'd known this for years, this so-called fact about his boyfriend, but he'd never seen it on display like this. Blaine had chemistry with women, held an attraction towards them, and it wasn't because he was rebounding or experimenting. It was as real and as natural to him as sleeping and for Kurt to see it like this, it was as terrifying to Kurt as it must have been thrilling to Blaine.
"You're just now realizing this?" Jesse scoffed a few days later at Rachel's apartment while he and Kurt gathered up pounds of snack food to take up to the roof where the others were already hanging out.
"Would you keep your voice down?" he hissed, glancing towards the open window and praying no one had heard him. "I'm just saying that I've never noticed it until he got around Michelle. It's just a little concerning."
Jesse merely lifted an eyebrow in response, his pointed gaze seemingly hinting at something that Kurt should have obviously known, but offered no explanation even when Kurt explicitly asked him for one. "You should learn to pay a little more attention, that's all," he said and he might as well have been speaking in riddles for all the good it did Kurt. No one seemed to understand that this felt new to him, not matter how old the news really was. Even Rachel hadn't had much to say and he'd thought that if anyone would emphasize with him, it would be her. After all, it hadn't been that long ago when Blaine had more or less come out to her.
The logical thing would have been to talk to Blaine about it; after all, he really just needed a little reassurance that no matter who or what Blaine found attractive, it was Kurt he wanted to be with. But this insecurity was embarrassing and his head was already full of conjured images of Blaine's disbelief and hurt, or worse, his laughter. He wouldn't mean it maliciously but it would hurt all the same and Kurt didn't want to put them through that if he could avoid it or work it out on his own.
He'd come close to talking to Michelle about it on the one afternoon they both found themselves free and he decided to take her on a tour of the fashion district while he did research for a report due at the end of the semester on fabric trends of the summer. She'd been especially chatty that day and while he asked with an obvious interest about her past relationship with Blaine, he couldn't bring himself to ask if... well he really didn't know how to word it exactly. All he really knew was that it felt like a whole world had opened up and was trying to storm into his and Blaine's relationship and it worried him.
Even worse, everywhere he looked, someone seemed to be hitting on Blaine – man, woman, and everything in between – and he just didn't really know how to handle it, especially given Blaine's inherently friendly nature. When he felt comfortable, he was a physical person. He liked to touch, to hug and kiss, to invade personal space and it was suffocating Kurt to watch him with other people, to notice these things. Part of him was sure Blaine has always acted this way, but the way he held Michelle or teased Jesse, or even looped his arm around Rachel's hips was driving him insane to the point that he snapped at some tiny little nameless girl for drunkenly stumbling into Blaine and fluttering her long eyelashes at him one to many times.
"What was that about?" Blaine whispered as he crawled into bed next to him later than night. Kurt had already buried himself under the covers in shame, but Blaine's soft hand on his shoulder coaxed him out, though he couldn't bring himself to turn over and face him just yet.
"We're okay, right?" Kurt asked in a defeated voice just as Blaine's fingers stopped their tracing along his arms. "You're not bored with me and wishing you could run off with some leggy blonde or anything?"
"Where did this come from?" Blaine asked, a little incredulous, but mostly kind and concerned; a reaction Kurt hadn't really considered as a possibility. It gave him a little more ground, a little encouragment.
"It's so stupid," Kurt laughed humorlessly. "I just suddenly feel like you could have anyone you wanted and I really mean anyone. Seeing you with Michelle, it just clicked for me that you were- that you are bi and I'm mildly freaked out about it."
"I don't understand," Blaine sighed, laying down next to him; Kurt turned over then to find Blaine staring at him intently, his expression clouded in a way Kurt had never seen. It was sad and heavy, but at the same time gentle and open. "You knew about Michelle."
"I just never thought of it as a separate thing," Kurt admitted, his face heating in disgrace once more. "I've never seen you with a girl Blaine, so even though you said you're bisexual, I never really saw it before now. I never saw Michelle as anything other than you trying to get over our break-up. I was wrong clearly and you don't need to explain it to me, but it just- it scares me? You have all these options and you stay with me."
"Because I love you," he breathed. Kurt had heard these words a thousand times before but tonight, it offered very little comfort.
"What if one day you decide you don't?" he choked out, all the worry and frustration focused in that one question. Blaine didn't say anything, as if he could sense that Kurt wouldn't necessarily believe him in this state. Instead he just wrapped his arms around Kurt's shoulder, his bare legs tangling with his own and pulled him completely into his body. It was warm, tight, encompassing and Kurt mentally compared to the way he has seen Blaine hug others over the week. It wasn't the same, he knew instantly. It was just for him, for them.
Things were better after that as Kurt realized it was just something he was going to have to accept. This was part of Blaine's life, but he was a bigger part, and as long as he trusted in that, they would be okay. He might still get jealous, but that was his issue to deal with. At least he and Blaine were relatively on the same page about it and he could see when they went out that Blaine made an effort to keep some boundaries around people they didn't mutually know.
"You take care of him." Michelle said to him on her last day. "God knows I won't be around to do it anymore."
"Of course," Kurt agreed as he hugged her goodbye, and he felt an overwhelming sense of gratitude towards her as he did. She had brought him and Blaine closer, filling a distance he hadn't known was there. "Thank you."
"For what?" she laughed, tugging the lapel of his vest with a smirk.
"Just for being his friend," he smiled, figuring it would be weird to tell her the real reason. "He's lucky to have you."
"Well you have me too," Michelle insisted with a laugh. "I already put my number in your phone. You call me anytime, okay?"
"You sure?"
"Absolutely," she nodded, her eyes going soft as she spoke. "I was wrong about you, and I hope you know me well enough by now to know I never say that. You're a good guy." She looked at him and he could have sworn there was a hint of sadness hidden behind the blue. "Just let him be happy okay? No matter what it means."
Her words were curious to him, filled with a meaning that only she seemed to know. But her smile returned to her lips in less than a heartbeat, as she turned on her heel and marched down the hall, yelling at Blaine to finish packing her suitcase before the plane left without her.
-:-
JESSE
Summer had come and gone; in fact, the new year had already started and Jesse might have been hesitant to admit it, but things seemed like they were finally going well. At least, they had the potential to go in that direction and after the disaster that the previous year had been, he liked to think he deserved it. The crisp January air bit at his face, but he couldn't bring himself to care too much as Rachel clung to him and snuggled her way into his jacket. It had been awhile since they were this good around each other.
Rachel had just started her senior year at NYADA when Jesse found himself facing one of the biggest failings of his life, the worst since he had flunked out of UCLA. His company had shut down, the doors to his little theater chained shut and Jesse St. James was officially unemployed. He had put Los Angeles and instant stardom in the past when he came to New York, focused on making his own way and for once, things seemed to be working out for him. His success was different than he'd always imagined - spending most of his time backstage rather than front and center had a learning curve – but his company group was a source of pride, somewhere he could do to every day, point at and say "I did that". Then one breezy September morning, after years of dedication and perseverance, it had been taken from him by sheer corporate greed.
Rachel had tried to be supportive, and Jesse had really tried to let her, but he couldn't see how she could possibly understand. She was still in school, she had training and credentials coming her way; which may not amount to much in the acting world, but it was better than nothing. And that's what he had, nothing. No matter how often she reminded him that he'd worked for other theaters, had taught other classes, it all amounted to nothing without a noteworthy show on the books. It was her optimism that annoyed him the most, especially since he couldn't share it with her. She could still afford to be the dreamer that she was, but he had to be realistic and not so deep down, he resented her for that.
They'd had problems before that, normal problems that came from having dated for so long, but this just seemed to kick everything into overdrive. Their petty arguments evolved into all-out screaming matches. They didn't even fight about anything new anymore, it was always the same things and he was just so tired of having to do it day in and day out. The worst part of it was every time she slammed that door, every time she walked away in a huff, he knew where she would go. Back to him, always back to him, and even though he knew they were carefully and strictly platonic, it didn't make him feel better to know that all the comfort she really needed, she could find in Blaine's arms.
He couldn't really be sure when his resentment towards the two of them had started, but by the time he noticed it, it was already too firmly in place to do anything about it. Not that he had any reason to, his fears weren't unfounded after all. They shouldn't have been as close as they were, not after their stint as secret lovers, but even that hadn't fazed them for too long. Even though Jesse was the one dating Rachel, sometimes he still felt like the understudy, merely filling in for Blaine's absence.
After she slammed his door shut for the fourth time in as many days, each fight worse than the last, Jesse had decided he and Rachel needed a break. A real one this time, one where they avoided each other for a few weeks before trying to work anything out, because the on-again, off-again cycle they had fallen into over the last couple of months wasn't doing either of them any good. So that's what they did over Thanksgiving all the way through Christmas when a few days before New Year's Eve, he couldn't fight the need to see her and just like that, they fell into each other again.
And it really was good, as good as it had been when they first began.
"You should stay over tonight," Rachel whispered in his ear, her eyes big and dark under the streetlights that flickered outside her apartment building. He bit back his signature playful smirk, instead opting to kiss her in response. She sighed happily into his mouth, deepening it on her own accord and looping her arms loosely around his neck. She stepped backwards and he followed, stumbling against the door of her building when she pulled away with a giggle and sauntered over to the elevator.
He had her pressed against the wall as soon as the door closed and they started towards her floor, the jerky movements only serving to bring them closer. His lips were at the base of her throat, teeth grazing her flesh with every sharp intake of breath. She was practically forcing herself into his hands, pressing into his chest, arching her back as his hands slipped over her thigh, pushing the hem of her dress dangerously high. He knew they were getting carried away, but she didn't seem to mind as they got off the rickety elevator, her hand tugging him onwards to her door. She fumbled with the key when his hand glided down her hips until her door finally opened and they stumbled across her apartment, falling together onto the couch.
His jacket came off immediately, his shirt with it as he slipped his hand once more up her thigh, searching for and finding the seam on her tights before he rolled them down. He didn't remember unzipping her dress but it was hanging off her frame, inviting his touch. He almost had it completely off when there came a knock on Rachel's door. She groaned, glaring accusingly across the room. "Just ignore it," he said, dragging her lips back to his to distract her.
But the knock wasn't just a knock; it was a frantic pounding and it got louder and more desperate with every passing moment. Rachel was tense underneath him, whatever the mood had been completely vanished. "Unbelievable," Jesse muttered as he got off the couch. He didn't even bother with putting on a shirt, hoping that whoever was on the other side of the door would notice the state of his undress and take the hint to leave. He flung open the door in aggravation with a hostile "what?"
He froze, just as startled to see Blaine as he was to see him. "Of course it's you," he muttered under his breath before taking in the other boy's rumpled appearance. His clothes were a far cry from the perfectly pressed attire he normally wore, his hair was an tangled mess of curls and he was shaking. Literally shaking, from his knees to his arms that were locked protectively around his torso and all the way up to his red-rimmed yes and tear-stained cheeks. His eyes were dry now, but it was clear he had been crying and Jesse immediately squashed the seed of annoyance that had risen inside him.
"This is a bad time," Blaine said quietly, his voice raspy. "I'm sorry."
"Blaine?" Jesse turned to see Rachel by his side, her dress perfectly in place. There was obvious panic in her eyes as she noticed all the things Jesse had already seen. Her voiced ached with concern: "Oh my God, Blaine what's wrong?"
"I'm sorry," he muttered over and over again, blinking quickly and he kept looking at Jesse, kept apologizing even as Rachel stepped between the two of them, her hands caressing his face in a soothing manner. He leaned into her touch, the way he always did, but Jesse couldn't fault him for it. Not like this, not when he looked so broken.
"It's okay," Jesse said, and Blaine seemed to crumble in front of him. He might have fallen to the ground if Rachel hadn't been there to catch him, to hold him up, her arms around him as he clung to her. He buried his head in her shoulder and a great sob escaped him, wracking his entire body. She held him so tight her back went rigid and her legs started to trembled, but she stood strong for him, whispering in his ear.
"What's happened Blaine?" she repeated over and over, getting no response out of him but a fresh round of sobs. "It's okay. I'm here, okay? Don't shut me out."
"Should I call Kurt?" Jesse wondered out loud and Rachel shook her head, reminding him that Kurt was currently hundreds of thousands of miles away for a family get together before she turned all of her attention back to Blaine, who was fading quickly in front of them.
"Michelle," Blaine finally choked out and Jesse's heart seemed to seize in his chest. "She- there was- accident- she's dead." Blaine crashed to the floor with that, taking Rachel with him, but she held on. His head was cradled in her lap as she stroked her hair, silent tears falling from her own eyes while Blaine sobbed. Jesse couldn't even care that Blaine's hands were all over her bare legs, didn't care that Rachel's entire world revolved around him. He was in pain, rightfully so, and maybe, for the first time, he could really understand why they gravitated towards each other so much. Rachel had all the strength Blaine needed, she would be the one to hold him together while he tried to fall apart.
Eventually Rachel managed to get Blaine composed enough to stand up and come inside, but it didn't last long as he collapsed onto her bed almost immediately. She didn't leave his side except to get him some water. He had tried to tell her was fine, that he just needed needed someone to talk to and he'd panicked when he couldn't get a hold of Kurt. He told her he would just go home, but she vehemently shot down that idea. Blaine hadn't protested too much, Jesse assuming he was grateful that she wouldn't send him away. She made him lay down and she glanced at Jesse as if to say she was sorry before she lay down with Blaine, her arms protective around him.
Jesse should have left, he knew that, but he couldn't bring himself to do it. Instead he settled down on the couch, hiding behind the high back, and did his best not to watch them. He gave in a few times, and they were always the same. Intertwined with each other, her hands in his hair as she kissed his forehead, his cheek, his neck, anywhere she could except his lips. It was just for comfort, Jesse knew that, but it killed him a little inside. They had been there, not too long ago, in a completely different fashion but somehow what she was doing with Blaine, fully clothed, was more intimate than even his closest moment with her.
He could hear them too, whispering and crying together, and that was even more troubling that watching them. She was promising him that he would be okay, that no he wasn't ever going to lose her, that she would never leave him. That she loved him. She loved him and he was her best friend and that would never change and Jesse wanted to cry or scream because he knew it was the absolute truth. It was his old jealousy rearing it's head and he felt sick with himself for even acknowledging it now, when his friend was so hurt and devastated. Blaine had lost someone he cared deeply about, lost her suddenly and there had been no one there for him. He had to go searching for it and Jesse was supposed to be a better friend than this.
But Blaine didn't need Jesse, he needed Rachel and Jesse was a big enough, mature enough person to ignore everything else so this could happen. It was all he could really do for Blaine, and really, it might as well have been nothing. Even if he had protested, tried to argue with Rachel about it, she would have shut him down and sent him home. If he had put her in that situation, she would have chosen Blaine. She had chosen Blaine. She always would.
-:-
Jesse woke up with a sore back and cramped legs the next morning, as he didn't quite fit on Rachel's couch. He bit back a groan as he sat up, not wanting to disturb the quiet that seemed to cover the apartment. It wasn't exactly peaceful, as a soft rain pattered against the window and the gray light filtering though the blinds cast a shade over the walls, but it was calm in a way. It was an appropriate answer to the night before.
He stood up silently and his eyes drifted towards Rachel's bed of their own accord. She was still there and wrapped up so tightly with Blaine he could barely tell they were separate people. They were facing each other, sharing the same pillow, hands clasped together, legs folded between them. He was curled into her, almost like a ball and she looked like a shield next to him, battling his demons while he slept. It was enough to break Jesse's heart.
The part of him that told him to leave last night finally won over. He had to get out. He didn't belong there, not now, not like this. He scooped up his jacket, wincing when his phone fell out of the pocket and rattled loudly on the floor. His head snapped up to Rachel stirring, though she didn't seem to realize where the noise had come from. Her eyes merely focused in on Blaine's still sleeping form and she gazed at him with a sad smile. Her fingers ghosted through his hair, the lightest of touches when a shock of recognition passed over her features and she sat up quickly, searching out Jesse and caught him watching her.
The moment hung between them, but Rachel was the one to make the first move by sliding carefully off the bed and tip-toeing towards him. Her embrace was unexpected, but he welcomed it regardless. She took him by the hand, her fingers intertwining with his as effortlessly as they had with Blaine's and she led him towards the door. She spared Blaine one last glance before she followed Jesse out in the hall, taking care to shut the door softly.
"I'm sorry about last night," she said quietly, her expression utterly sincere. "You didn't have to stay."
"It's okay," he found himself saying and amazingly enough, believing. "Blaine needed you. He needed his friends. I just hate seeing him so torn up about this."
Rachel quirked her eyebrow at him, an act so aching familiar he didn't even have to guess what she meant. She knew he wasn't okay with this and he couldn't be sure exactly what had tipped her off, but there was no use hiding it from her. The most he could do was not make her feel guilt about his jealousy. Because as much as he wished he could find a deeper meaning, and as much as there might have been deeper feelings underlining her actions, but it all came down to her being a good friend, to being Blaine's best friend.
"Rachel," he said with a deep sigh, determined to stay rational. "It's okay. I get it."
She just shook her head, opening her mouth as if to say something and Jesse found that he really didn't want to hear it. He silenced her by pressing his lips to her. It was light and undemanding and he let himself melt into her momentarily before pulling away.
"I know one day it's going to come down to him or me," he kept his eyes closed as he whispered against her lips, "and I know I'm going to lose."
"Jesse I-"
"I know," he said although he really had no idea what she might have said. It was his way of stalling as he forced his words to squeeze past the lump in his throat. "We would have a great life together. We'd be perfectly content, happy even with framed Playbills surrounding our combined Tony wins on the mantle. But we'd be a ticking clock."
She was soaking in his every word, and for a moment, he believed that she could see that life with him, and that only made things so much harder. Because while she might be able to see that with him, he knew that Blaine was still there in that world, whereas in his, Blaine was nowhere to be found.
"I am in love you," he professed, his hand tucking a strand of hair behind her ear as he spoke. His voice was gentle in a way he had never known himself to be, "and it's because I'm in love with you that I can accept now that you will one day leave me for Blaine. But until then, can I just pretend that I have a chance with you?"
"Where is this coming from?" she asked, sounding so small.
"Just a chance," he repeated, avoiding her question, "because I can live with that. It's better than nothing."
She stayed silent this time, didn't jump in to protest or tell him he was crazy. She just shook her head again, just as she did before. Still, it shocked him a little when she reached out and grabbed him by the shoulder, pressing her mouth against his in a kiss completely opposite of what his had been. It was desperate, longing, and deep. He wanted to believe it was for him, for only him. He needed that and as he fell further into her kiss, he almost did. It was a chance at least.
-:-
RACHEL
She let Blaine sleep in for as long as he could, knowing that when he woke up, the pain over his friend's death would hit him even harder. So she emailed his professors, called his job, and texted his friends to let them know what had happened. By some miracle, they were all sympathetic and she was grateful for it meant he had less things to worry about while he grieved. And she so hoped he would, that he would allow himself to be angry and upset beyond the initial shock. She couldn't bear to see him shut down, or bottle it up. It would destroy him and it would be the last thing Michelle had wanted.
It had kind of gone unspoken between them that Blaine would stay with Rachel until it was time for Michelle's funeral, and to her relief, Blaine went through the general motions of mourning, He got angry, he cried, he would be quiet for hours on end before the cycle started over again. It was hard to watch, but it was better than the alternative. The only time she really worried about him was when Michelle's parents had called to tell him they had set a definite time for her burial, tearfully asking that he be there. He had strangled out a yes and hung up the phone and seemed to forget how to move for the rest of the evening.
He also apologized, over and over again, for barging in on her the way he had. He asked after Jesse, asked if he was upset, but she just reassured him that everything was just fine. He didn't need to worry about it and really, she didn't really have an answer for him. Jesse's words had left her spinning in confusion. She'd known he was insecure with her relationship with Blaine, they'd fought about it an immeasurable amount of times, but she'd never realized that he felt like such a second choice. It really wasn't the truth, as far as she was concerned, but she could appreciate how Jesse might feel that way, especially right now while she was taking care of Blaine.
He probably could have looked after himself, but she just wasn't going to let that happen, especially when it meant he would have to go back to an empty apartment since Kurt was still out of town and seemingly unreachable. Blaine shouldn't have to be alone with this. He deserved to be surrounded by the people who loved him, the ones who were still there, and right now, it seemed all he had was her.
It seemed he felt the same way, which was something she really didn't expect. After systematically calling Kurt for two days, he had stopped trying, instead focusing on making arrangements with Rachel to travel back to Ohio for the funeral. Then, out of the blue, Kurt just showed up at her doorway, eyes full of concern and pity, but Blaine was having none of it.
"Where were you?: Blaine snapped without any kind of preamble or greeting, the hard edge in his voice matching the steel in his eyes.
Kurt faltered; clearly he hadn't expected this amount of vitriol from Blaine. "You know where I was," he finally said. "I was with my Dad and Carol and Finn in the middle of nowh-"
"No, where were you?"Blaine yelled, the dark anger he'd been feeding into for days seeming out of him. "I needed you! I called you a thousand times and you didn't answer for two days."
"What would you have me do Blaine?" Kurt argued back. "Charter a plane?"
"That's what you're supposed to do!" Blaine screamed. "You could have at least picked up the phone. You're supposed to be there for me. You're supposed to cry with me and tell me stupid little lies like everything will be okay. I needed you and you weren't here!" and with that, Blaine slammed the door in Kurt's face, and it felt like her entire apartment shook with the impact.
-:-
The funeral was nice, but she doubted Blaine noticed most of the details. On the surface, he seemed to be holding it together as he spoke with Michelle's distraught parents or consoled any of the mutual friends they'd had, but Rachel knew he was on the verge of breaking down. It was in the way his voice wavered at the start of every sentence, in how his hands shook ever so slightly when he pulled away from a hug, and how his eyes never wandered far from her own. She so wished she could do more for him, but all she could really do was hold his hand during the service, and never let go. Even when his grip became painfully tight, she held fast as if through this she could somehow send him strength.
The service hit her harder than she thought it would. She'd only met Michelle once, but she'd liked her well enough. She didn't expect to cry, but she found herself choking back noiseless sobs during the priest's overture, and she wasn't even sure why. Part of it was for the girl they would have to bury later in the day, but she knew herself well enough to know it wasn't just about Michelle. Jesse's words were haunting her and sitting there with Blaine, she had to wonder if he was right. She cared about Jesse, she loved him and she was sure of that, but she wasn't in New York with Jesse trying to work out their relationship, she was in Ohio with Blaine. Because Blaine needed her, because she couldn't bear to think of him being on his own and going through this; but Jesse had needed her as well. He needed her to stay with him, to pick him over Blaine and she hadn't been able to do that.
Blaine was in pain and that clouded her judgment faster than anything else. She hadn't even tried to reason with him when he told Kurt to stay away from the funeral. She knew Kurt was upset over Michelle's death – a friendship had formed between them during her brief visit in the summer, even if she was mostly out of sight, out of mind – and she knew that Kurt wanted to be there for Blaine. He wanted to be the one holding his hand as they sat in the pew, to hold him when he cried, had wished he'd been there when Blaine got the first call. But he was at a loss on what to do since Blaine, in his anger, didn't want him there. He kept in contact through Rachel, though she could tell he resented that. Even that didn't seem to faze her though as all her thoughts came back to Blaine.
He remained eerily silent at the graveside service and opted out of returning to her parent's house for the reception. He said his goodbyes, told her mother she could call him for anything she needed, and as he turned to walk towards the car, Rachel could see a tear escape his carefully put together facade. When they were further from the crowd, she brushed it away and held him tightly to her. His muscled trembled under her touch but it wasn't until they were halfway back to his old house that he had any sort of breakdown. She pulled over to the side of the road, wincing as she listened to him empty his stomach with a series of wet heaves. The grass stained her dress as she kneeled next to him, rubbing circles into his back until he was settled enough to get back in the car.
"I didn't realize it would be a closed casket," he whispered later that evening as they lay in his bed. No one had come to check on them since they'd retired to his room after she coaxed him into eating a light lunch if only to get a little food back into his system. It was the first he'd spoken since then too and she gazed at him, waiting for his to continue. "I knew she had been in a car wreck but I did- I didn't think it was so bad."
"They said she wouldn't have been in any pain," Rachel said, reminding him as much as herself.
"That's almost worse," he sighed heavily as he stared vacantly at the ceiling. "She didn't even see it coming. She just stopped existing. Michelle, she always- life was her favorite thing and she didn't even get a chance to- it was just taken away from her."
"You have to remember that part of her," Rachel said kindly, bringing her hand up to cup his cheek and turn it towards her. "She was your very good friend for a reason Blaine, and you have to remember her as that. The end of her life is least important when you remember who she was."
"She helped me understand who I am," Blaine choked. "I don't think I could have done it without her. She was the first girl I ever let myself have feelings for, ones that I didn't hold back because I was 'gay'. She taught me so much and I never said thank you. I never told her how much that meant to me, how much she meant to me. And now she's gone and she'll never know."
"Blaine, she knew," Rachel assured him, pulling him closer until his nose brushed against her own. "You can't go through something like that with someone without them knowing just how important they were to you."
"But I never said it," Blaine argued wearily. "There's so many things I never say and before I even a chance to bulk up the courage to do it, it's too late. It's always too late."
"She knew," Rachel repeated. "She knew because she loved you."
There was a shift in the air it seemed, one familiar to her even if it had been over a year since she let herself fall into it. His eyes sharpened with intensity as he gazed at her, his hand that had been resting on her hip all afternoon carried a different weight. His skin under her hand was blazing and she suddenly seemed to realize exactly how close she was to him. He was as close as a second skin and she got lost in that feeling. Emotions were running high, she knew this was the excuse she would use later to justify why she didn't pull away, but her body wasn't responding in a rational way. It wasn't responding at all, in fact. She couldn't move and he seemed trapped under the same spell as if breathing would break it.
His lips parted and a thousand possibilities flashed through her mind. She didn't know his intentions, could only guess at them and a darker part of her hoped they mirrored her own. But if they did, it wasn't right. Not like this, not this way when everything was so broken and fleeting. Not when he felt so helpless and she so guilty. It shouldn't even happen at all and that's why she did was she did next, before he could say or do anything to stop her.
"You should call Kurt," she breathed and the moment, whatever it had been, shattered.
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