Disclaimer: I do not own Glee.
KURT
"I still think you're crazy," his friend Eli said as he stirred a heap of caramel into his iced coffee. Kurt just shrugged – he was used to this reaction by now, having heard it from all directions over the last several months – and followed Eli to a window table with his own drink and let his friend ramble on about all the reasons it would be insane to have a baby. Never mind the fact that Kurt had adamantly told everyone that he wasn't trying to have one right now, they were all trying to talk him out of it; it was like opening a can of worms and everyone had an opinion, whether Kurt wanted to hear it or not.
The thing was, Kurt knew it was one of his more outrageous ideas, but his entire life seemed like one big ironic twist of fate. Being a gay man was just more complicated, socially, and he was considered one of the lucky ones just by finding someone he thought he could spend his life with. Adding a family into the mix was practically begging for heartache and disappointment, but maybe he and Blaine could avoid all that if they were prepared; and of course nothing would happen until they were both ready. It was just a thought, to be turned into an idea, to one day hopefully, be a reality and until then, Kurt was happy to let things be.
"You think dating anyone for more than six months is crazy," Kurt replied with a teasing grin.
"And there's a reason for that," Eli insisted, "because if after six months all you want to do is date a guy, then clearly it's not going anywhere and it's not worth your time."
"Some of use are just more romantic than you."
"I like to think I'm the romantic one," Eli laughed, running a hand through his dark hair. "Passion, desire, whirlwind courtships."
"Having sex on the third date," Kurt supplied, reducing Eli to a sputtering mess as he tried to come up with something to say. "Sometimes that works, but other times, it just needs time to grow. I told you about my friend Rachel, right?"
"Yes, yes, the loud one," his friend rolled his eyes, ignoring Kurt's glare. "How she dated your step-brother for years, which was her first mistake, only to break things off with him because they couldn't handle the distance. And then she had a tumultuous affair with Jesse and they were constantly breaking up and getting back together and breaking up. Then he left her out of the blue and she hasn't been the same ever since."
"Exactly, and I know she loved him," Kurt said, stirring the ice in his cup, "but she's a wreck. I haven't really seen her in two months because she's holed up in her apartment crying her eyes out over Jesse."
"But she should cry," he argued. "Love is supposed to be this hot, fiery thing and it's supposed to burn when you lose it. That's normal. You trying to trap your boyfriend into a future with you is not."
"I am not trying to trap him!" Kurt shouted, louder than he intended. Several patrons looked over at him and he had to force himself to lower his voice, but the anger was still there. "I love Blaine, and he loves me, but if that ever changed, we're both free to walk away. The fact is we've been together since my sophomore year in college and is it so wrong to want to plan a future with him?"
"It is when your boyfriend starts running for the hills every time you bring it up."
Kurt sighed and turned to stare out the window, his fingers absently weaving through the fringe on his scarf. "Blaine isn't like me," he said almost wistfully. "He tends to think in the 'now' and when I say 'hey let's have a baby', he thinks I'm talking about bringing one home next week. But he tries, you know? He's read everything I've asked him to read and he's honest about it. He's not against the idea, he just doesn't think it's a good fit for us right now, which I agree with. He actually talks to me about what his concerns are."
"Except not lately," Eli interjected. "You said yourself he's been distant ever since you brought this subject up, right?"
Kurt groaned. He was starting to regret confiding in Eli about his relationship troubles, but every time Kurt tried to go to Rachel about Blaine in the past, she usually ended up taking his side over Kurt's no matter how hard she tried to stay impartial. "No, it's not been that long," Kurt shook his head. "Just in the last two months or so, right after Jesse left. They used to be close, but by the time he moved for London, they weren't really friends. I'm not sure why he's taking it so hard, but if I had to guess, it has more to do with Rachel than it does Jesse."
"What, did Blaine and Rachel have a lover's spat too?" Eli chuckled and Kurt knew it was meant to be a joke, but he couldn't help the frown from weighing down his lips. Eli could jest all he wanted, but the fact was he never appreciated just how complicated Rachel and Blaine could be together, even if they were only ever platonic. Kurt could barely comprehend it most of the time.
"She's his best friend," Kurt tried to explain as best he could. "They need each other, sometimes more than they need anyone else and yes, sometimes I get jealous. She used to be my best friend and Blaine's my boyfriend, but in some ways I think they don't need me. It's hard to compete with that, but I would never try to take them away from each other. But they must have had a fight or something, because they're not talking to each other anymore. He won't admit it, but that hurts Blaine and what hurts him, hurts me."
"You got all serious on me right there," Eli said sympathetically, his blue eyes sparkling with sincerity.
"I take what Blaine and I have very seriously," Kurt agreed. "I lost him once, by my own fault, and I had to fight to get him back. I won't give him up over something as childish as petty jealousy."
"That's admirable," Eli said kindly, pushing his empty cup away from him, "but does Blaine feel the same way? I'm not saying this to hurt you, but if you're really serious about having this grand ole future with him, then it's something you have to think about."
"I have to trust that he does," Kurt said quietly, "until he gives me a reason otherwise."
He finished his coffee, only halfway listening as Eli explained the concept for his new art exhibit to follow up his wildly popular showing a from a few months ago. Kurt was sure it would be magnificent as always, which is what he told him as they parted ways, Eli back to his studio and Kurt to his theater where he could lose himself in the process of directing The Tempest. There was something so simple about moving people around on stage, telling them what to do and what to say, how to act and be. If he didn't like it, he could start over, or change the whole thing. He was in charge, with an unlimited amount of do-overs and nothing left to mystery. He knew what happened in this world, and it was always exactly what he wanted. Bad things didn't happen here, not unless he wanted them to.
The real world just different. He couldn't always guess the way the wind would blow and while he liked to believe he had some say in what happened in his life, he mostly believed that to be untrue. Things happened, people changed, lies were told and truths were hard and there was no way to predict when any of this would come to pass. All he could do was hold on tight and try to keep up, praying to whoever might listen that he didn't lose the important things along the way; things like Blaine, like Rachel.
Even though neither of them would talk to Kurt about it, he could feel that something was intrinsically wrong between Blaine and Rachel. They were just fading away. There was no way of knowing what it might be, and he wanted to believe that things would work themselves out, but he couldn't shake the feeling that the longer he waited, in some small way, he too was losing Blaine. He wasn't the type to just sit back and let that happen, so it was as selfish as it was selfless when he called Rachel as he locked up the theater for the night, asking her to come over for dinner. He played his guilt card, said he missed her, that she disappeared after Jesse left, that he felt like she didn't have time for him though he couldn't imagine what she could possibly be doing. It wasn't until he was positive she would turn him down that he sighed and said it was Blaine's idea to invite her over. It wasn't really a lie, Blaine had done this before, though he obviously hadn't meant it for now. A little white lie for the greater good, Kurt reasoned as Rachel paused in consideration.
She said yes, that she'd be over within half an hour and Kurt hurried home. Blaine wasn't working at the bar tonight, and he had no classes for the summer, but he might find an excuse to disappear if Rachel made it to their apartment before Kurt did. Besides, he wanted a chance to talk to her alone first. If she was ready to come all the way over by an invitation he was sure she knew wasn't actually from Blaine, then it was just possible she was ready to open up to him about whatever was bothering her and maybe, just maybe, whatever had come between her and Blaine.
He was relieved to find he had beat Rachel there after all, a quick text confirming she was still a few minutes away. He threw his bag into the closet, along with his jacket and scarf and tidied up the living room as best her could, stashing the take out containers in the trash and hiding the cut up magazines under the couch. He could hear soft humming from down the hall and with a swift look into the spare room, he found Blaine cross-legged on the window seat, a guitar in his lap and his noise-filter headphones snapped around his ears. He scribbled something in a notebook, fiddled with a few dials on his portable switchboard and started humming once more. He would be distracted for awhile, working on whatever track his old band had asked him to mix, leaving Kurt free to speak with Rachel. If things went badly, if she stormed off as used to do so often, then Blaine wouldn't even have to know she had been there.
There was a sharp knock on the front door and Kurt jumped, racing down the hall to answer it before Rachel rang the bell on the off chance that Blaine might hear it through a break in his music. She smiled, not nearly as wide as her usual grin, but she looked genuinely happy to see him as she pulled him into a hug, and giggled "I missed you!" into his ear.
"How are you?" Kurt asked as they walked into the living room and settled down onto the couch. "You look tired."
She really did; her eyes had shadows underneath them that she had tried to cover up with concealer and she sat with her arm propped against the cushion, leaning her head on her hand. There was a lack of energy about her, which was more concerning than anything else, because Rachel Berry was always going. She didn't stop, she didn't wait, she reached for and took anything she wanted and to see her so languid and still, it was unnatural.
"I haven't been feeling like myself lately," Rachel said vaguely, one hand playing with the waistband of her skirt
"Because of Jesse?" Kurt inquired and she nodded, but there was a hint of hesitation before she did. "I know we never really talked about it, but I'm here for you. You know that right?"
She smiled sadly. "Of course I do," she replied, eyes downcast. "It's just hard to talk about it."
"And you usually talk to Blaine about these things anyway," Kurt pointed out and her eyes widen a little in surprise, "but he's been avoiding everyone lately, so I guess you haven't been able to talk to him either."
"Is he okay?" she whispered, her tired eyes fixed on his like a pair of dark magnets.
"He's fine," Kurt assured her, eyebrows quirked as she seemed to sag in relief. "He's a little moody and spends most of his time playing around with his mixing equipment, but he's okay. He misses you."
"He didn't invite me over," she sighed and her eyes began to water, "did he?"
Kurt shook his head and to his dismay, Rachel began to cry. It wasn't loud or hysterical, but tears rolled down her face, dragging mascara down with them. She sniffled and then wrinkled her nose in disgust, using the sleeve of shirt to dab at the corners of her eyes. "I'm sorry," she choked and he reached across the couch to place his hand on her knee in comfort.
"It's okay, Rachel, " he insisted, but it did nothing to cheer her up. "Hey, I'm sorry I lied to you, but it's nothing to cry about. You two can fix this."
"I just want to talk to him," she gasped, clutching at her stomach and drawing her knees to her chest, "but I don't know what to say to him and I'm pretty sure he hates me."
"I don't think there's a single thing in this world Blaine could hate you for," Kurt whispered, pulling her into an awkward hug as she was still trying to curl up into a ball on his couch. This only seemed to make her cry harder and he just hadn't planned for this. Yelling, screaming, sarcasm, deflection, those he knew how to handle. Tears just made him panic, which was the only excuse he had for why he kept talking.
"I don't know what happened," he said in a rush, "and I know it's none of my business or you would have told me but you love each other. You're best friends. You just got in a bad fight at the wrong time with Jesse leaving, but neither of you have been apart longer than a few days in years. You need each other and I need you to be Blaine and Rachel again. I mean, if you two never make up and a few years down the line Blaine and I really do decided to have a child, who besides you would I trust to be a surrogate mother? It'll be a nightmare."
"Oh Kurt," she cried and her voice rose in a panic, cracking with nearly every word. "Kurt I can't do that! I'm so sorry. I can't do that!"
"Rachel, I'm not talking about right now!" Kurt gaped at her as she pulled away from him completely, eyes wild. She wrung her hands as she worried her lip; she looked absolutely manic.
"No, you don't understand, I physically can't do that," she repeated, her tears having progressed to full blown hysterics. "I can't, I can't. I'm so sorry and you know I would have loved to do that, but I can't."
"Rachel, what are you talking about?" he shouted at her if only that she might actually hear him past her anxiety attack.
"I'm pregnant," she screeched, burrowing her head into her arms, quivering as she tried to disappear into herself. Kurt sat in shock next to her. He pulled her into a tight hug and she seemed to collapse in his embrace. She was practically doubled over in his lap as she cried, but as much as he loved her, he felt completely unsure of what she wanted or needed from him. Blaine wouldn't have this problem, he knew, but she hadn't told Blaine, she had told him and only because he had accidentally pushed her into a corner. He wondered how long she had known, had carried this secret around with her. He wondered if Jesse knew. But mostly, he just kept going back to how he knew Blaine would know all the right things to say.
Kurt stayed with her, whispering little nothings in comfort, until her sobs subsided and she started to collect herself. She extracted herself from his arms and wiped at her face, grimacing as her eyeliner left charcoal streaks across the back of her hand. He could tell she was still shaken, and he couldn't blame her at all. She hadn't expected this or planned for it and in all the years that he'd known her, he couldn't recall a single time she ever spoke of wanting to have children. He assumed that if she did, it would be well after she had established herself on stage, as a leading lady, had a secure future and a husband. She would have never wanted it like this, just really starting out in the business, unmarried and carrying the child of a man who had left her in the dust.
"I'll help you," Kurt said confidently, rubbing her shoulder as she gave him a watery smile. "We'll figure out what you want to do and no matter what it is, you'll get through it and I'm going to be right there, okay?"
"It's just so..." she trailed off with a sad shake of her hair. "II just don't know, about any of it."
"It's going to work out," he insisted, offering her his hand as he stood up. She took it, her fingers trembling and he led her into the kitchen. "But first, you have to calm down. So make yourself some tea and try to relax."
"Where are you going?" she quizzed, her expression curious as he turned towards the hallway.
"I'll be right back," he promised and when she made no response, he took his leave, racing to the spare room and flinging the door open. Blaine looked up, startled. Kurt bolted towards the window seat, snagging the headphones from Blaine's ears and they fell to the floor with a loud clatter.
"What are you doing?" Blaine gawked, a hard edge to his voice. "Those were expensive."
"I know and I'm sorry," Kurt said, picking the headphones up and placing them on the seat before grabbing Blaine by the arm to pull him to his feet, "but I need your help. Rachel needs your help and I know that you two haven't been on the best of terms lately for whatever reason, but this is big and you can't just ignore her anymore, not now."
"I still have no idea what's going on," Blaine reminded him as allowed Kurt to steer him towards the door.
"Rachel's pregnant," Kurt revealed; the hand he had around Blaine's arms jerked and he stumbled backwards as Blaine froze in place. It was like he had frozen in time. The color had drained out of his face and his eyes widened past what Kurt would had ever thought possible. The effect was as if someone had covered him in whitewash and pinned him to a board the way some people captured butterflies. He seemed to gasp for air as his jaw fell and he choked on unspoken words. "Blaine?" Kurt whispered, squeezing his shoulder.
"I- she- are you sure?" he stammered, his hands curled into fists as he stared a Kurt.
"She just had a complete meltdown on our couch about it," Kurt explained. "I'm pretty sure."
"She's here?" and if it were possible, Blaine paled even more but it spurred him into action. He was out the door faster than Kurt could follow him. Blaine must have gone into the living room first because they actually made it to the kitchen at the same time. Rachel was leaning against the counter, a small cup in her hand suspended in midair as if she had meant to put it down but was interrupted by the two boys sudden appearance. She stared at Blaine, her eyes filling with tears almost instantly.
"Hi," she whispered and her gaze flickered down to her feet. Kurt saw a tear fall down the bridge of her nose, but Blaine didn't move even as he whispered a small "hi" in return.
"Are you okay?" Blaine asked after a few quiet moments.
Rachel looked up at him and tried to smile, but it looked so broken on her that Kurt's heart ached for her. She eventually just shook her head side to side, her hair falling around her as she did and in that instant, Blaine moved forward and gathered her in his arms. He was the only thing that appeared to hold her up, her hands curling into his shirt, clutching at his chest. His hands smoothed through her hair. It was like the last piece of a puzzle, when everything seemed to click into place, and Kurt felt like an intruder. If it had been anyone else, he probably wouldn't have left them alone, but as Kurt quietly slipped out of the kitchen, he knew his part had been done. Rachel would be okay. Blaine wouldn't leave her to deal with this on her own. They might still have some things to work out between them, but Kurt knew without a doubt that they would hold onto each other the way they used to and this time, they might never left go.
-:-
BLAINE
"I'm here," he whispered into her hair. If he stopped to think about it, he might have wondered at how easily he had rushed to her side, his anger all but forgotten as soon as she looked at him with her dark eyes full of tears. It had melted away, barely leaving a scar, as he held onto her as tight as he could. His head was spinning with different thoughts though, an indescribable panic that made his heart race and his stomach clench. His fingers trembled in her hair, tangling the soft strands and a thousand questions screamed across his mind.
"I'm so sorry," she repeated again, the sound a murmur against his chest. "Blaine, please don't hate me anymore. I didn't mean it."
"Rach," he breathed, trying to focus on her right now instead of everything else. He moved his hands to her shoulders, forcing her back as he leaned down until he could stare into her eyes, "I never hated you."
"Yes you did," she insisted as she dropped her head.
"I was hurt," he amended, one finger lifting her chin back up, "and I was guilty and angry was too busy feeling sorry for myself to pay attention to anyone else, but I never once felt like I hated you, okay? You didn't do anything wrong."
"Don't lie to me," she cried softly. "I did everything wrong – with you, with Jesse, with how I felt – and now everything is falling apart. I'm going to lose everything."
"Listen to me," Blaine demanded and his voice must have been stronger than he actually felt, or maybe it was the little shake he had accidentally given her, but she seemed to snap back into herself. Her tears slowed and she looked at him expectantly. "This is not your fault. If it's anyone's, it's mine and you can let it be mine if that's what you need to do. So just do that; let it be my fault."
"That's not fair," she argued.
"I don't care," he replied resolutely. He waited for her to disagree with him again but she just continued to stare at him, searching him. He did his best to appear confident, to show her what she needed to see so that she could be herself again. Sure enough, he could see a little glimmer of the light that usually sparked behind her eyes, the ghost of a smile on her lips; her hands stopped shaking and she held her head a bit higher. "Better?" he asked with a slight chuckle, thought he still felt like he were on the verge of having a mild stroke.
"A little," she whispered, her hand wrapping around his that still rested on her shoulder, bring it down to hang between them. "It's not your fault either Blaine. I won't let you blame yourself either. We did this together, we're in this together."
A sour lump rose in his throat and try as he might, he couldn't make it go away. Now that Rachel was calmed, he didn't have anything to immediately distract him from his own emotional turmoil, but he knew he couldn't have a breakdown in the middle of his kitchen. There was no way he'd be able to explain it to Kurt; his heart lurched at the thought. "What are we going to do?" he questioned, no longer able to keep his voice steady for her sake.
"I don't know," Rachel whispered, squeezing his hand. "I didn't want to do anything without talking to you first."
"I guess," he sighed, still wavering, "we should do that."
They seemed to both make the decision at the same time, as she said she would go get her sweater from the hall closet and he replied that he had to go say goodbye to Kurt. They had been lucky, had always been so lucky, that Kurt had left the kitchen when he did and hadn't come back, but the things they had to talk about they couldn't risk him overhearing; and he was always so understanding, it was almost painful. He just nodded when Blaine told him he was taking Rachel home, asked if Blaine would spend the night, and kissed him goodbye without some much as another word.
He met Rachel at the door and they walked to the familiar path to the subway, They spent the ride in silence, sitting next to each other, but there there was a tension between them that forced them to sit as far apart as possible and still look like they were together. He looked over at her pressed against the window several times, but the words he might have said stuck in his throat, so overwhelming that he might have choked on them. Even when they took the stairs to her apartment and she unlocked the door to let them in, they remained quiet.
There was just so much to say.
"I wanted to tell you," Rachel finally said after several long minutes, during which she had settled herself on the floor next to her bed, knees drawn to her chest as she leaned against the metal frame. Blaine looked over at her from where he stood staring out the window, and he tried to pick out just one thing in response, but his words kept slipping away from him. She blinked at him, her eyes starting to take on that glassy look as if she might burst into tears again. "You're not talking."
"When-." he stammered, not even sure what was about to come out of his mouth, "when did you find out?" There, he thought, that was a good enough start. It was basic information, something he needed to know and it was a safe enough question that wouldn't make either of them cry, or run away again.
"I got my blood work back from the clinic a few days ago," she said, but didn't offer any more elaboration and he realized she probably felt the same way he did – with too much to tell with nowhere to start.
"How long have you thought you might be..."
"A few weeks."
His stomach flipped as he imagined her alone in her apartment, bent over the sink as she read the results of a home test. Maybe she took several of them, maybe she spent every five minutes staring at the little plastic contraption, begging it to be negative only to have it mock her and turn positive every time. She probably cried, reached for the phone half a dozen times to call him, but remembered how she thought he hated her. Alone, he realized, she had done it all alone. "You didn't say anything," he whispered and his heart hurt as she looked sadly away.
"I wanted to be sure," she said. "I knew how complicated this could be, if it were true, and there was no reason to put us both through that if it turned out to be nothing."
"You didn't have to do it alone," he said, though he knew it was futile. "And you're sure, right?" Rachel just stared at him from her spot on the floor and he immediately flushed red, rubbing the back of his neck nervously. "Sorry, it's just, you know, we need to be-."
"I'm sure," she answered.
"And it's- I- are you-," he groaned in frustration as he tripped over the words. It was the last thing he wanted to ask, but she was right: this was complicated. For the same reasons they had to leave Kurt behind and go back to Rachel's apartment to even have this conversation, he had to ask her this. "I'm going to sound like such a jackass but are you sure that it's... mine?"
"Yes," she snapped, her hair whipping around her as she glared at him. The conversation stilled again and he meant to apologize, but after a moment, her eyes softened and she looked down at her hands. "I'm sorry. You have every right to ask that question. But Blaine, there's no way this baby is anyone but yours. The doctor said I was ten weeks. I haven't been with Jesse since he started preparing his move to London. I barely saw him at all and by the time he left for good, we hadn't been intimate in over three months."
"Ten weeks," he repeated with a low whistle.
"Give or take," she tried to laugh, but it was utterly humorless as he sunk to the floor. He leaned against her wall, letting his head fall back to stare at the ceiling, his legs stretching out gracelessly in front of him. Ten weeks, he kept thinking, over and over on loop. Just over two months, and they had spent the entire time avoiding and ignoring each other, punishing each other for what he knew was just a misunderstanding when there was something so much more important just north of the horizon. They hadn't been there when they needed each other and now he felt like he was drowning in uncertainty.
He felt Rachel's small foot knock against his and he forced himself to look at her. She was crying again, her face lined with desperation. She seemed to be asking him what to do. He didn't know and his nails were biting into his skin where his hands had balled into fists next to him. Her features shifted into concern, her eyes worried as she gazed at him and he realized he was crying silent tears.
And when she spoke, it was the most broken thing he had ever heard in his life: "You're not talking again."
"Are we going to keep it?" he cringed, wondering why the only things he could thing of to say were the ones that seemed to hurt the most. He didn't want it to be this way, where she might look back and think he hadn't cared about her, but he truly just needed to know what to do. He needed her to know.
Instead she shrugged, picking at the skin around her nails. "There's really one two options for me," she sighed, "My mo- Shelby, she just gave me away. Don't get me wrong, I know that's what a surrogate is for, but I can't do that. I can't just have a baby and give it away; I'm too selfish. So my options are to either terminate the pregnancy, or to have this baby and raise it and both are terrifying."
"This whole thing is terrifying," he muttered. "If we keep the baby, I don't know how we're going to keep this," he gestured between them, "us from him. He has to know and I can't stand to have these secrets anymore."
"And even if you did," Rachel interrupted, "even if we never told him that you sired my child, one day when she grows up, she's going to ask who her father is and I don't think I could lie to her Blaine."
"You think it'll be a girl?" he implored, the corners of his lips lifting at the thought. Dark hair, silky and wavy like her mother's, her nose just as distinctive, and a smile that could light up the room. But her eyes would be his, pools of sweet amber, shining gold under the midday sun. Rachel would put her in dresses of lace or ribbon, and she would be a tiny little thing, just big enough to fit in his arms.
But he couldn't keep her, not the with the way things were. Not while he was with Kurt, who had done absolutely nothing to deserve this kind of betrayal from him, from Rachel. The fact that they hadn't done it maliciously would do little to ease the pain or the anger that would inevitably come out of it. The need to protect him, to keep this away from him, lay heavy on Blaine's heart and he felt a coward for it. That had been his excuse for years – his excuse for never telling him that he and Rachel had ever dated, had ever been more than friends, were still more than friends – and he knew it was to protect Kurt as much as himself. He was as much a part of this as Blaine and Rachel were, and he hadn't even asked for it.
Even if they could take Kurt out of the equation – which Blaine just couldn't seem to do – he and Rachel were unbelievably fucked on their own. Years of hiding real feelings behind thinly veiled friendship had made them into what they were now. Desperate and broken and unsure of where most of the pieces had gone missing, but still clinging onto each other. And he loved her, in every way he possibly could love her, more than he should, but they'd grown up enough to know that love doesn't negate doing the right thing. As for what the right thing was, he wasn't sure either of them knew anymore.
"The logical thing," she said as she avoided looking him in the eye, "who be to save ourselves all this trouble and just end this now."
"But?" he prompted.
"But we weren't talking," she looked sheepish as she spoke to the floor, "and somehow underneath all my panic and indecision, I felt like in some way I still had you as long as I had this. Which granted, you can probably attribute all of that to my changing hormones, but I'm somehow..."
She paused, her brow furrowed in concentration, but she had fallen into the same state he felt like he'd been ever since he held her in the kitchen as she cried. The words she wanted to say just weren't coming to her. "Attached?" he finally suggested. Her eyes flickered to his and he could see the truth, shimmering just under the surface and he had his resolution even before she nodded and the small "yes" formed on her lips.
"That's our answer then," he replied. "We're... keeping the baby."
"What do we do after that?" Rachel gulped.
"I have no idea."
-:-
Ironically, it was Kurt who had the plan. "She can't walk up ten flights of stairs pregnant," he explained to Blaine, "and the elevator hasn't worked in years. That apartment building is falling apart and frankly, with all the doctor bills and medication costs she's about to rack up, she can't afford to live by herself."
"You want her to live here?" Blaine repeated, glancing around their apartment as if Kurt hadn't spent the last ten minutes trying to convince him of that exact thing.
"It's either that or she moves back to Lima," he countered, and there was a brief flash of fear that ran through Blaine at the thought. "Who knows, she might even go with Jesse this time."
"I don't think she would do that," Blaine said adamantly, tugging on a curl of hair that had fallen over his ear, though he hadn't expected her to call Jesse with the news of being pregnant either. It was before she had talked to Blaine she said, but that didn't erase the bitter taste in his mouth that she had gone to Jesse first. But he didn't say anything; he hadn't exactly been available to her, and he couldn't fault her for running to the first person who would listen to her and make her feel a little less alone. Still, Blaine didn't have to like it and he especially didn't have to like the fact that Jesse was already back in town "visiting" and would probably do exactly as Kurt had suggested and try to whisk Rachel away with him to London.
Part of him thought it might be the best thing all around if she did go back with Jesse but most of him only carried a strange refusal to even let her think about it. Call it being protective, or somewhat possessive, but there was so much more involved than just Rachel now. She was a part of Blaine's future, one way or another, and there was no way in hell he was ready to let her jet halfway across the world, no matter how they had managed to screw things up so far. This was one mistake he wasn't willing to sit back and let happen.
"I don't think even Rachel knows what she might do," Kurt said as he flounced down on the couch next to Blaine and it took everything in Blaine not to flinch away from him out of sheer guilt. "At least Jesse is stepping up though, I wouldn't have expected it of him. Maybe she should go with him."
"Why?" Blaine nearly growled. "So they can bicker and fight on another continent instead? I think she's under enough stress as it is."
"They didn't always fight," Kurt said gently.
"Sure seems like it," Blaine scoffed, his mood getting progressively worse.
"They fought a lot around you," Kurt shrugged, laying his head on Blaine's shoulder as he talked. "She said once, way back in high school when she first met Jesse, that she didn't think they were true love, but maybe they could be. Maybe she was right after all. I don't think people can go though as much as they have without sharing some kind of love between them."
"You think they've gone through a lot?" he responded, more to himself than to his boyfriend. He knew Kurt had meant it in relation to Rachel and Jesse, but he couldn't help applying it to himself. He remembered when he first met her, she had just been Kurt's friend and he didn't lay awake at night thinking about her. He would have never guessed that she would have become a good friend, that he would be the one she started to turn to when she had problems with Finn, or that she would be the one to keep his secrets. His first summer in New York, the one they spent together, falling into each other deeper than either had ever anticipated. That had been the start of it all, really, but they never bothered to finish it. They told themselves that they did, that there were other people, but the kept finding reasons to come back to each other, through everything.
"They're having a baby together," Kurt said, "and I'd like to think that counts for something."
Blaine shifted in his seat until Kurt was forced to pull away from him. Blaine turned on the couch to face him, reaching out until his hands could grasp onto Kurt's. He gulped once, a hard swallow and said, "I have to tell you something."
A knock on the door kept him from going any further. Kurt jumped up almost instantly to answer it while Blaine sunk into the couch, picking at the loose threads in the fabric and praying he wouldn't lose his nerve before Kurt got back. He needed to tell him everything; it was so long over due it almost made him sick. He heard the door close and waited for Kurt to come back, practicing all the different ways he could say "Jesse's not the father, I am" without sounding like a prick, but every variation came off worse than the last.
"So," Kurt said uncomfortably as he hovered around the entrance to the living room, "Jesse is here."
Blaine could have fallen off the couch. "Here?" he nearly shouted. "Right now?"
"He's outside," Kurt said with a hard shrug. "He won't come in, but he wants to talk to you."
With a sigh, he headed towards the front door, both hands at the back of his neck as if some kind of makeshift shield. Kurt didn't bother to follow him, just closed the door behind him with a soft click, leaving Blaine alone in the community hallway with Jesse, who looked about as pleased to be there as Blaine could have expected him to. It wasn't openly hostile, but the set in his shoulders told Blaine that if Rachel hadn't outright told him what happened, he had put the pieces together on his own and even if they weren't really anymore, he and Jesse had once been friends and being reminded of that only made Blaine feel worse about the situation.
"So how long did you wait?" Jesse started them off, uncrossing his arms and pushing himself off the wall he had been leaning on. "Was it even a day, an hour, four minutes after I left that you fell into bed with her?"
"It wasn't like that," Blaine whispered, unable to force any kind of conviction into his voice.
"It never is with you two," Jesse said angrily, "but it always happens anyway. And you always make excuses for it. 'It wasn't like that', 'we're just friends', 'there's nothing going on' and do you have any idea how vindicated I feel right now, and how furious that makes me? You were supposed to prove me wrong Blaine, not show me how absolutely right I was about everything."
"Are you mad at me or Rachel?" Blaine snapped and as Jesse rolled his eyes, another possibility dawned on him. "Or are you mad at yourself?"
"It doesn't matter anymore," Jesse insisted, his voice still full of spite. "You've both effectively cut me out. Good job."
"Yes, I'm an asshole, we're agreed," Blaine sighed wearily, turning back towards this apartment. "Can I go now? I was trying to talk to Kurt."
"Whatever you have to say to Kurt can wait," Jesse demanded, placing his body between Blaine and the door handle. "I came all the way from London to yell at you, you better damn well listen to me Anderson."
"It can't wait actually," Blaine hissed through his locked jaw, "because I'm trying to talk to him, Jesse and it's about five years too late as it is."
"And you talked to Rachel about this?" Jesse asked, his condescending smirk told Blaine he already knew the answer. "Do you know what she said to me when she called to tell me she was pregnant? She apologized to me, said she knew it was unfair, but she didn't feel like she could go to you. She felt like she lost you and now you want to take Kurt away from her too?"
"She could have come to me," Blaine insisted, glaring at Jesse though it seemed to have little effect on him. "I would have been there for her, but she avoided me as much as I avoided her. And I'm here now, and I'll be here from now on, but don't you think Kurt has a right to know?"
"He absolutely has a right to know," Jesse agreed, which was slightly unnerving but he didn't give Blaine enough time to consider it, "and you need to make sure that you're the one to tell him, but not now. Talk to Rachel first, find out what she wants, and give it to her. Save your guilt and self-loathing for another day."
"It's just going to make things worse in the long run," Blaine argued meekly.
"You're already in the long run. Now come on," Jesse replied, bunching his fist into the fabric of Blaine's shirt and began to pull him in the direction of the elevator. "I can't even look at you without a beer and you're buying me one."
-:-
JESSE
London had ended up being everything Jesse needed. He noticed it the first time he traveled there from New York, when he still believed he and Rachel were moving there together and the longer he stayed there, the more clear his head would become. He could see, really see for the first time, how much he had settled for New York. He'd wanted Broadway, stardom, fame, and he let himself hide away in a little brick studio teaching bratty kids how to do pliés and pirouettes. He had lowered his standards to fit into what the world offered him instead of demanding it give him what he deserved. And in the process, all the anger and resentment he secretly harbored, he used against the only good things he did have.
Rachel would have followed him to the ends of the earth if he hadn't tried so hard to push her off the edge. It was the very definition of a self-fulfilling prophecy, one he let drive him nearly insane when he thought about Rachel and Blaine together, but he couldn't see himself being with Rachel while he felt like she was still wrapped up in Blaine; and she would be for the rest of her life, which was something he just hadn't been able to accept. It cost him a potential friend, and in the end it cost him her.
Which was why he left her behind. She wouldn't come after him and he didn't want her too. But when she called and told him she was pregnant, he couldn't stop himself from rushing back to her. There was no question in his mind what had happened. He knew the baby wasn't his. He knew it wasn't his responsibility and that the only reason she told him was because she was freaking out and they had been together for such a long time, it was instinct to reach out to him, especially when she wasn't speaking to Blaine.
By the time he made it back to New York and found her in her apartment, she had managed to find her way back to Blaine, to Jesse's great annoyance and was expressly told that he wasn't allowed to punch Blaine in the face and that this situation was as much her fault as it was was. Probably more so, she reckoned, though Jesse at least got her to agree to never say that again. He didn't believe her whens he said she was okay, but she wasn't crying and he did sound better in person than she had over the phone; and he other places to be anyway.
As he dragged Blaine out of his apartment and to Marco's bar, he realized he wasn't as angry as he thought he was. He had seen this coming a thousand miles away – had even said so to Rachel many times – but someone had to play the part for Rachel's sake. Someone had to yell at him, to make him feel worse than he already did, to make sure he would take care of her and before Jesse went back to London to live his life, he needed to know without a doubt that Rachel would be okay.
"Hey Blaine," Marco greeted them as they entered the bar. "You drinking tonight?"
"No, I am," Jesse remarked, settling Blaine into a stool next to the wall so he couldn't escape. He fished Blaine's wallet out of his pocket and threw it on the counter. "He's paying though."
Marco eyed the wallet, his eyes flickering from Blaine to Jesse before he finally settled on Jesse and said, "Didn't you leave?" Blaine snorted with laughter as Jesse glared at Marco and demanded whatever the most expensive beer on tap was. "What are we drinking to?" Marco asked, slinging two drinks across the counter.
"Oh this is a big occasion," Jesse said with false exuberance, taking a swig of his beer before continuing. "Blaine here got our little Rachel pregnant."
Blaine coughed up his beer, sputtering an incomprehensible mess of words even if Jesse had been paying attention. He flushed a deep red, gaping at Jesse, but Marco barely blinked. "I'm not touching that one," he chuckled, "except to say I could have seen it one coming."
"Me too," Jesse agreed, tossing a rag at Blaine, "though a four second warning kind of narrowed my betting window."
"I called it years ago," Marco shrugged and walked off, leaving Jesse and Blaine alone. Jesse leaned against the counter as Blaine wiped it off. He watched him, running through the motions he was so used to, night after night of cleaning the bar and slinging drinks. There was a slight smile on his face as he did this, as if he were trying to hide it from Jesse, but he could still see it. It wasn't even a smile like the ones he used to throw at Jesse, like he'd won something over from him, but it was simple and unassuming and that spoke volumes more than any words Blaine might ever say.
"He always liked you best," Jesse sighed, sitting down and gesturing for Blaine to do the same.
"Jesse," Blaine said, that same tiredness from earlier back in his voice as he slumped in his seat, "you didn't drag me all the over her to talk about Marco. Just tell me what you want."
"What I want," Jesse repeated. "That's a loaded question. We could talk all night about the things I want, or rather, the ones I wanted. But for now, how about we talk about what I expect from you."
"Fine, I'll play," Blaine sighed.
"It's not a joke," Jesse said very seriously. "I expect you to be there for her. I expect you to fulfill every promise you ever made her, spoken or otherwise. You know what they are and she knows it. That's the problem with the two of you. You're both so in sync with each other, there are no secrets. It breaks you. But you're done with that now, all right? You and Rachel are going to see this thing through. You never get to leave her again."
"Did she tell you that I told her I loved her?" Blaine questioned, his eyes sparking with something Jesse couldn't quite make out. "I've never said that to her before. She didn't say it back."
"You know she does," Jesse rolled his eyes.
"That's the problem right?" Blaine grinned wryly, finishing off his drink with a big gulp.
"It's the only thing you two have ever done right," Jesse admitted, locking his own hurt feelings up just long enough to get through this with Blaine. "You love. After everything, you still love. It's kind of sickening, if I'm honest with you, but there it is."
"Why do I feel like you hate me for that?"
"Because I do," Jesse shook his head, tossing his own beer back. "Not in the way you think. I hate that I wasn't you, that no matter what I did, I just wasn't... don't make me explain it. I can't. Just promise me you'll stay with her this time. I know you have your thing to work out with Kurt, but I can't leave without knowing that she's going to taken care of."
"Jesse, I-." Blaine started but Jesse cut him off with a glare and said, "if you give me some shit about how you've always been there, I will hit you."
Blaine looked at him, his gaze steady as he stood up from his stool and walked over to where Jesse was standing. He leaned over on the bar, his hands clasped in front of him and very softly, he asked one more question. "If it were you, what would you do?"
Jesse didn't even hesitate before answering. "If she'd have me, I'd leave everything behind just to be the one at her side. But she doesn't want me Blaine, she wants you."
"She has me."
"Good. I'm holding you to it."
-:-
RACHEL
Saying goodbye to Jesse was harder than she expected it to be, maybe because they'd never really had to say goodbye, not really. Even as far back as high school, whenever they had to break up, there was a lot of crying and yelling, accusations and hurtful words. Later came apologies and heavy-handed compliments under the guise of friendship, and they would start all over. Not once though could Rachel remember ever saying the words "goodbye Jesse St. James" while knowing that it was entirely possible she would never see him again.
"Thanks for letting me stay at your place," Jesse said as they loitered around the airport security check point, a backpack slung casually over his shoulder. "It's ironic how you never wanted to live with me, but when I need a place to stay for a week, your couch is suddenly free."
"You stayed over plenty of times before," Rachel said with a shrug, worrying her bottom lip absentmindedly. "I still think you're leaving early so you don't have to help me move into Kurt's apartment."
"Which I should put on record saying that's a bad idea," he interjected.
"I know you do," Rachel smiled reassuringly at him, "and I'm sure one day you'll get to bathe in the grim satisfaction that you were right, but you know how hard it can be to say no to Kurt."
"I know how hard it is for you to say no to Blaine," he corrected her. "It was after all, kind of the whole reason our relationship imploded."
"Oh Jesse," she said with a sigh, running her hands over her stomach, which was apparently her new nervous habit now that she was pregnant. She couldn't seem to stop herself most times, and it was frankly ridiculous considering nothing even felt differently yet. "I don't know what to say other than I'm sorry."
"I'm not blaming you," Jesse insisted, his eyes flooded with sincerity. "I should blame you but I don't. I saw it coming and I tried to convince myself that I would be okay with it, but I wasn't. I'm still not, but I think," he paused, reaching out to brush a strand of hair from her face, his fingers brushing the apple of her cheek, "you're someone I want to keep around."
"Well, what we had wasn't so bad, right?" she whispered. "We had good times."
"We had great times," Jesse agreed. "They just got stuck in some kind of Blaine Anderson induced limbo sometimes."
"You talk about him more than I do," Rachel laughed.
"Well you don't exactly talk about him at all," he said as be became suddenly serious. "You know you need to work things out with him, one way or another, and whatever comes out it, that needs to be it Rachel. Whether you break each other's hearts or ride off into the not so proverbial sunset, just let it be what it really is, once and for all."
"It's complicated Jesse," she reminded him. "and it's been so many years since we even functioned like normal people around each other, and I just don't know how to get back to that. Plus with all my hormonal changes, I spend half of my day crying and the other half incredibly sexually frustrated and Blaine is really only in a position to handle one of those sides of me right now."
"Please tell me you're not taking your carnal urges out on Hummel," Jesse chortled as Rachel punched him half-heartedly on the arm.
"You know what I meant Jesse St. James," she chuckled despite herself, but quickly found her eyes filling with tears as they lapsed into silence, the airport calling him back to London no matter how long they stood around bantering. She blinked, trying desperately to clear her vision and see him one last time, but the only thing that happened was to force a myriad of tears to fall down her cheeks as she choked, "I'm going to miss you so much."
"You weren't kidding when you said you cry a lot," Jesse smirked, before he wrapped his arms around her shoulders and pulled her close. "Don't do that for me," he whispered as she sniffled into his shirt. "You're going to be okay Rachel; I promise and if you're ever not then you can always run back to me."
"You won't slam the door in my face?" she asked in a tiny voice. "After all I put you through?"
"Never," Jesse replied, rubbing slow circles into her back.
"You're a good friend Jesse," she smiled and withdrew herself from his grasp, "and a much better one than I deserve."
"You deserve everything," he said kindly, brushing the last of her tears away with his thumb. "You're Rachel Berry and no matter how mad I might be at you, or how hurt, I'll always love you and I'll always be around for you."
The security line had dwindled down to nothing and they both seemed to realize that is was time for Jesse to leave, but that didn't stop Rachel from throwing herself into his arms once more. Just to remember him, she told herself, to erase her last memory of him walking out on her and replace it with this one, where she felt at peace with the way things had happened between them, where he was happy and setting off to live the life he was always meant for. She would be able to look back and say they had parted as friends.
"You're going to miss your plane," she said as she let go of him. "Go. Call me when you get back."
Jesse just nodded and turned to weave through the maze that lead him to the metal detectors. She watched him sort his belongings, kick off his boots and struggled to put them back on the other side until finally, with a flip of his hair that was getting a little too long, he turned to wave at her. She waved until he rounded the corner and that was it; Jesse was gone and while it wasn't as painful as it had been the last time, her heart still dropped cold and heavy to her stomach. It was like watching a piece of her life fall away from her, even if she knew it was time to let him move on. He deserved it and it would be selfish of her to hold him back anymore.
Not that Rachel didn't believe she was selfish enough to do it. She was, after all, moving in with Kurt knowing that it was Blaine's child she carried, knowing that when he found out – and he would, it was only a matter of time – it would shatter him. It was the biggest betrayal she could think of and yet, she couldn't bring herself to stop from doing it. She supposed it was just her insecurity coming out in her. Blaine had promised to be there for her and she didn't believe he would lie to her, but if there was one constancy in their past together, it was that too often, they let things come between what they said and what they would actually do.
She needed him, more than she needed Kurt or needed Jesse. It had always been that way, but even more so since she'd found out she was pregnant. Once the initial shock of staring blanking at thirteen positive tests had worn off, her primal instinct had been to call Blaine. To cry to him, yell at him, demand him to fix it, to say anything as long as she could hear his voice and feel him in her life again. But she hadn't, because he was still avoiding her and she was still ignoring him and neither of them knew how to make it better.
She tried to convince herself she could do this without him, that he would never have to know, but she'd fallen apart on her first visit to the doctor. All they had done was take her blood to confirm what she already knew was true, and she had been in such a state of hysterics by the end of it, the nurses hadn't wanted to let her leave on her own. But who could she call? Her dads would only overreact and make matters worse, and Kurt was out for obvious reasons. Somehow that meant she was waking Jesse up in the middle of the night and he calmed her down enough to go home safely, but as much as she appreciated Jesse's serene handling of things, she missed Blaine's off-handed humor and his disbelieving wide-eyed stare. They were both strange things to miss while she was panicking, but they were as familiar to her as the sound of her own voice.
They were still a mess, climbing inside an even bigger mess in the making, but there was a hesitant sense of relief to it all now, knowing that Blaine was in it with her. There were still so many things to say, maybe things that should have rightly been said years ago, but even then, she felt like they were somehow heading in the right direction at the worst possible time and as selfish as that made her, nothing else really mattered.
-:-
That only lasted so long, she discovered as Blaine brought her last box into her new room in Kurt's apartment – she couldn't think of it as hers or think of it as Blaine's without thinking of it as theirs. She was officially moved in, and all she wanted to do was run and hide, surround herself with sunrise colored walls and a familiar space that had a rickety fire escape up to the roof. Not this room of periwinkle paint and a window the size of a cat door with Blaine and Kurt's shared room a straight shot down the hall. It was just too close, too easy to be found out, too simple to fall apart and ruin everything she had left going for her.
"I can- can't do th-this," she stuttered, wrapping her arms tightly around her stomach and began rocking back and forth on the edge of the unfamiliar bed Kurt had made up for her as she had been forced to leave her own behind. "Why did I think this was a good idea? Why did I think I could do any of this?"
"Calm down," Blaine said immediately, his hands running soothingly through her hair as he came to sit next to her. She just shook her head, her fingers knotting into the blanket. "You can't do anything if you don't calm down."
"And then what?" she hissed at him, instantly regretful when she saw the hurt flash through his eyes and folded his hands in his lap.
"What we talked about," he responded, his voice even but otherwise flat and emotionless. "You do exactly what you wanted to do. I won't tell Kurt, even though we both agree that he deserves to know, and we'll go through the next eight months as they come to us."
"You make it sound like I forced you into this," she sighed heavily, sneaking a glance over at him and was surprised to find him doing the same. She didn't try to hide the small giggle that escaped her, just reached for his hand and took it into her and just like that, she felt like she had snapped back into place.
"Of course you didn't," he said, his voice kind once more. "I know this isn't an ideal situation, and there are some things I wish we could do differently but I understand why you want to do things the way we are. You'll get through this Rach. I have no doubt."
"You know I want to tell Kurt too," Rachel replied, giving his hand a quick squeeze. "I want him to know that we didn't do this to hurt him and that it was only a one time incident, but it's just better right now if he believes this is Jesse's baby."
"It's just going to hurt more in the end," Blaine argued. "Why am I doing this to him? You he would probably forgive, but I'm going to lose him Rachel. I'm going to lose him and never get him back."
"I know it's not perfect!" she nearly shouted, jumping out her skin when Blaine shushed and reminded her that Kurt was only just in the kitchen ordering dinner. "Besides, you don't know that he wouldn't pick you over me, if it really came down to a choice. But I need him right now, okay? I'm basically using him and I know that, but he's the best friend I have next to you and you only manage to complicate things even more."
"I complicate things?" Blaine scoffed. "You're the one with all these elaborate schemes and I just go along with them."
"Well ask yourself how it would be any different if you went up to him now and said 'oh by the way, Rachel's baby, yeah that's mine and I just thought you needed to know'' because I don't know about you, but I see that going very badly," Rachel insisted, her having waving wildly through the air as she talked. "What would you do then? Move out? Leave me again?"
"Leave you?" he choked. "When did I ever leave you? You snuck out in the middle of the night and avoided me for a week, then got upset when I didn't want to talk after that. And before that, years ago, you were the one to break up with me. I never left you Rachel so let's not rewrite history."
"Then don't you act like it was all a one-sided thing," she huffed.
"I know it wasn't," he groaned, falling back on the bed with his hands over his face. "I know I fucked up too, but seriously Rachel, this is a mistake. And I understand all your reasons for wanting it this way and we both know I'm too much of a coward to do this on my own, so I'll wait. It's going to hurt like hell, but at this point, what else am I good for?"
"Blaine," she sucked in a breath, unsure of what she could say, "I didn't mean it like that."
"It's fine," he uttered, the words muffled against his skin.
"Why do guys say that when it's clearly not?" Rachel sighed, more to herself than to Blaine, but he answered with a dry laugh all the same.
"It's what we say when there's nothing else to say."
"It's a blatant lie," she reprimanded.
"Yeah well," he said as he sat up, a lazy grin across his face though he was clearly still irritated, "we're both used to those, aren't we?"
"Are you going to be mad at me the whole time I'm living here?" she whispered, staring at her hands.
Blaine didn't say anything for a moment, but instead chose to gather her into his arms and pull her onto his lap. She settled her head into the crook of his neck, the feel of his soft skin against her cheek bathing her in a calming warmth. His hands locked around her hip, study and sure to the touch and she could have been tied to him and felt less secure than she did now. "I'm not mad at you," he said so quietly she could have imagined it. "I'm tired and there are a million things I wish I had done differently. I wish I had never fallen back in love with Kurt, or forced myself to forget the feelings I had for you. I wish we had been honest with everyone from the beginning so that if this was the way things were meant to happen, less people would have been hurt. But none of that means I'm angry with you. It just means I don't know what to do."
"I don't either," she admitted, allowing herself to curl her fingers just under the collar of his shirt, her nails feather light as she traced a series of random shapes into his skin. She had meant it in comfort, but she felt him shudder underneath her. A heat rose in her, familiar and frightening at the same time because she suddenly wanted nothing more than to lay him back down and make him quake all around her. But she couldn't, especially not like this so she forced herself to stop and concentrate on her words until the moment passed her by. "I'm just making this up as I go along. There are no good options any more, just bad ones and worse ones. But I'm glad you're here with me. It makes it feel easier, even if it really isn't."
"It's beyond screwed up," he laughed, hugging her closer to him, "but I know you'll be in my corner when things go south, and I'll be in yours. The rest we'll just have to wait and see where it ends up."
She could have asked him where he thought they would end up, but she wasn't even sure what kind of answer she wanted for herself. If she closed her eyes and envisioned her future, she could see him and she could see their baby, but she still saw Kurt, she still saw Jesse. She had all these individual pieces and didn't know where they were supposed to fit or what it was supposed to look like at the end of the day. She knew she wanted all of it, but she also knew there was no way she could hang onto everything. She had to give something up, but was so far unwilling to do so.
"Are you okay now?'" Blaine asked. She looked up at him, a bit startled to find him so close to her, but didn't bother to pull back as he continued to whisper in her ear. "Do you need to yell at me some more?"
"No," she replied, the sound low in her throat and husky as it came out. "I'm okay."
His lips grazed against her cheek, lingering just long enough that her body seemed to take it as an invitation. Or maybe it was just her, but as she so often did, she fell into as easily as breathing, turning her lips up to meet his, capturing his mouth under hers. It had the potential to be slow and building, to explode and shatter the stars above them, but she forced it back, keeping it soft and as in control as possible and only when she didn't think she could hold herself back anymore, she released him. He rested his forehead against hers, his eyes closed and she followed suit, content to immerse herself with him until Kurt called them in for dinner.
So much had happened, she thought, but very little had changed; even after all their time, these moments they could have while hidden and stolen, then kept under lock and key, she lived for them.
I write, you read, you review, I write more. I mean, I will anyway, but it'd still nice to hear from you all after so long.