A/N 1: What? What? Oh…Merlin, is this…did she update? You're damn right.
A/N 2: Does this mean all my threatening reviews to update have finally paid off?!? Umm, no and you're still a freak.
A/N 3: First two author's notes should be read in a spirit of love. Lots of Love.
A/N 4: Am I going to update again and again now that I have escaped the entanglements that prevented me from doing so previously? No, and I really shouldn't be now, but shoot me.
Hermione Malfoy, Chapter 13, I think:
As he stalked down the halls toward his mother's rooms, Draco planned his attack.
Deny. Deny. Turn Blame. Deny.
And of course, bitch about her bugger-me-backwards timing.
Did she think that married people spent all their time having sex? No! They had to leap at whatever chance they had and if Hermione was never 'in the mood' again, he was sooo curtailing her spending. There were perks to inheriting large estates.
"Malfoy!" the very wife he'd been thinking of came barreling down the hall toward him.
"Hermione," his eyes flickered over here, "Dressed, I see. Pity. What can I do for you?"
"Draco, we were interrupted-"
"Yes, love, I realize this must have been distressing for you, but as soon as I deal with this bother, I'd be pleased to shag you senseless."
"Oh, no, I-"
"Fine," Draco sighed, "But it has to be a quickie," he pulled her into a conveniently located classroom and made short work of her top.
"Draco-"
"These are quite lovely and I promise to devote a great deal of time to them later, but-"
"DRACO!" Hermione pulled his face level with hers, destroying the excellent view he'd been enjoying.
"Hermione?"
"I just wanted to come with you…in case I could help with your mother?"
Oh.
Well…bugger.
"Okay…" he muttered.
"Smashing," she grinned, re-buttoned her top and flounced from the room.
His wife would rather talk to her mother-in-law than shag him. He was seriously losing his touch.
There had to be more to it. Maybe an afterthought?
"These are quite lovely and I promise to devote a great deal of time to them later, but-"
Draco stopped moving. No. He hadn't. It was not possible that he, Draco Malfoy, had committed the cardinal shagging sin.
Ignoring the boobs.
Bloody hell, if she wanted a quick, unsatisfying tumble in the classroom, she could have gone to Weasley!
***
A quickie? Honestly. Hermione fumed. It wasn't as though they were capable of getting it on without being interrupted anyway. What they really needed was to be caught going at it in the classroom! Ugh.
Men.
And what was this 'devote a great deal of time to them later' business? Was that really what Draco 'I'm a bloody sex god' Malfoy had just said to her?
Later?
Hermione dismissed the issue that she hadn't been trying to seduce him anyway, the fact still remained that he hadn't known that and had been fully prepared to brush aside the all important breasts.
She scowled at him when he came out of the classroom. Bloody hell, if she'd wanted a quick, unsatisfying tumble in a classroom, she could have married Ron!
"Hermione, I-"
"I think we should play innocent."
Draco looked at her blankly, "Pardon?"
"With your mother."
He rolled his eyes, "Of course. Deny at all costs."
"What if she has Veriwhateverthefuck?"
"She wouldn't have it on hand," Draco dismissed.
"Oh no?" Hermione raised her eyebrows.
"She wouldn't use it on me anyway, she trusts me."
Hermione regarded her husband, "So what are you going to do?"
"Uhh…Lie," Draco gave her a weird look, "What do you take me for?"
***
When they arrived at Professor Malfoy's room, Narcissa was blubbering uncontrollably.
Apparently the time they spent talking and snogging was enough for her to move from rage to tears.
On the one hand, his mother was one of the scariest people he knew when she was angry…
But crying women sent him into a panicky state of distress that he hadn't thought to ever let Hermione become aware of. Seriously…ever.
"Dracoooooooooooooooooooooooo," Narcissa wailed at the sight of him.
"Mother," he gulped, "You wanted to see me?"
"You," she gasped, "want me," she blew her nose on her sleeve and Draco covered Hermione's eyes in horror. "Gonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnne!" Narcissa burst into renewed tears as Draco planned his escape from the mucous monster.
"No, Mother, I would never!"
Narcissa squawked her disbelief.
Hermione handed his mother a handkerchief and Draco couldn't have been happier to have brought her along.
Anything to stop the weeping, the goo…Sweet Merlin, the bubbles!
He could feel the walls caving in around him.
"What was it?" Narcissa sniffed, "Did I spoil you too much as a child?"
"Undoubtably," Hermione muttered.
Draco glared at his wife, forgetting the handkerchief miracle mere moments before. Really. This wasn't the time for that sort of interjection.
"No," he shook his head, "You did a wonderful job raising me, mother. Just look at the results!"
He chose to believe any gagging from Hermione's direction was merely in reflex to the snot bath in front of them.
But he sent her a subtle glare, just in case.
"Professor Malfoy, your son loves you very much," Hermione assured his mother.
Draco made a face. How…mushy.
"Do you?" Narcissa raised large, red-rimmed eyes and puffy, flared nostrils to him hopefully.
He swallowed, trying to focus on a point just beyond her head. "I…umm, of course, Mother."
"You darling boy!" Narcissa flung herself into his horrified arms and pressed her wet face into his neck.
Draco froze as he fought back the automatic upchuck reflex at the thought of what she was rubbing into his hair. There were no conditioners deep enough.
She kissed his cheek and pulled away with pride, leaving a trail of horror across his face.
Hermione snickered and Draco glared at her.
This was her fault with that 'he loves you' bit.
Oh, she would pay.
…probably when she discovered he'd lost any and all ability to maintain an erection.
Should have taken him up on the classroom thing.
***
It simply couldn't have happened to a nicer person, Hermione grinned as Draco frantically removed any and all germy residue from his oh-so-pretty features.
He was sure to start jumping up and down any time now.
Unexpected perks of being a Malfoy…never a dull moment.
"Professor Malfoy, what was it that caused such distress?" Hermione clucked sympathetically as Draco ignored them, rubbing harder at his cheek.
"Miss Parkinson-"
Draco froze and their eyes locked, "PANSY said something?"
Narcissa's eyes narrowed, "Said something about what?"
"Said something to distress you, mother," Draco shook his head sympathetically. "I'm sorry, it's my fault-"
Hermione frowned at Draco. He had never accepted blame for anything in his entire life, what on earth was going on?"
"How could it possibly be your fault, Draco, darling?" Narcissa purred.
The woman was deeply delusional.
"Pansy kissed me this evening," Draco started to explain.
Hermione frowned, "She WHAT?"
"Oh, I pushed her off," Draco waved off her concern.
"And you just happen to be ready to go right when I get home?"
Narcissa looked a little sick, "Really, Hermione, that's most unladylike-"
They ignored her.
"Oh, come on. She kissed me, I shoved her off my lap and that was it," Draco rolled his eyes.
"What was she doing on your lap," Hermione asked tightly.
Not that it mattered. He could do anything he liked. It wasn't a real marriage. None of this was real. But it WAS against their agreement and wouldn't it be quite unnatural for a wife not to care?
She tapped her foot to await his response.
"I don't know," Draco shrugged, "I was distracted."
"Undoubtably," Hermione snorted.
"Oh, not like that," he rolled his eyes.
"Professor Malfoy?" a voice interrupted their debate and everyone turned to see Pansy Parkinson in the doorway.
"You!" Draco and Hermione glared at her and she took a step back.
"Hi…" Pansy smiled hesitantly.
"You talked to my mother?" Draco glared at her.
"You kissed my husband?" Hermione's eyes jumped with fire.
"I can see this is a bad time…" Pansy backed quickly through the door, "Be seeing you!"
***
They caught up to her with no trouble.
Freezing spells will do that.
"Care to explain how you happened to spill our little secret to my mother?" Draco slammed Pansy up against the wall.
"It was all part of my plan."
"To get even with me for marrying Hermione?"
Pansy glared at him, "How stupid do you think I am?"
It wasn't that he didn't have an answer to that…it was just that he had to many.
Draco turned to exchange glances with his wife, who appeared to be in similar quandary.
"Fine, don't answer that…but have I ever betrayed you?"
Draco raised his eyebrows.
"…in a non-sexual way?"
He smirked.
"…this week?"
Hermione snorted.
"…other than tonight?"
"No, no, you have me there," Draco gave in and Hermione rolled her eyes.
"Out of morbid curiosity, what is this plan?" Hermione asked the girl.
"Well, I figured…maybe if she was upset…she wouldn't mind doing things that aren't exactly…part of the rules?"
"You were trying to emotionally abuse my mother into doing things that would get her fired?" Draco grinned in delight, "Continue."
"Well, I figured if she were unstable in some way, if given substances that would alter her decision making ability-"
Draco considered Pansy's suggestion, "That's good, except she's the DADA professor, she could spot that kind of potion a mile away?"
"Who said anything about a potion?" Pansy removed a bag from her robe and Hermione snatched it from her, eyeing the leafy substance.
"Is this what I think it is?"
"You're a mud blood, you ought to know," Parkinson sniffed haughtily.
"Pansy," Draco warned.
"Muggle-born," Pansy corrected automatically, "Slip of the tongue."
"Like you slipped your tongue down Draco's-"
Draco restrained Hermione with a hand around her waist, "Ladies, no need to fight over me right here. Should there really be a need, we should go somewhere private and lose the robes."
Hermione and Pansy both glared at him.
What? He was serious.
Draco sighed, "Parkinson, you bought yourself a lifeline."
Hermione gasped, "You TRUST her?"
"She's Slytherin," Draco shrugged.
"So no, then?" Hermione smirked.
His eyes narrowed, "Of course not…but I'm still willing to see her try."
"You're willing to see your mother fired for smoking pot?"
Draco shot his wife a stunned look. His mother had destroyed his sex life.
He was willing to see her fired for pretty much anything.
TBC