Author's Notes and Dedications sections:
A/N 1: Yes, it has been awhile since I updated. Yes, it will be a long while before I update again. No, I have not finished the story. NO, if you bomb my house, it will not speed the process.
A/N 2, my first dedication: To the person who said that this is the worst story they have ever read: I laughed for hours, thank you.
A/N 3, my second dedication: To the person who said I should be ashamed of myself for not updating. It is on my list after not getting my brother a birthday present, not getting my other brother a wedding present and not finishing my screenplay until now because I started this fucking story in the first place. But duly noted.
A/N 4, my third dedication: To myself, for having That good a rack. It's true.
Nothing else to say except: Happy Birthday, Lea!
And so…here we go:
Hermione Malfoy, Chapter 14
by scarlet (superscar)
So there had been smarter ideas.
Privately, Draco blamed the entire debacle on a bad case of blue balls. Blood flow, etc, etc.
How else could he have agreed to a plan that entailed Pansy Parkinson getting his mother high?
It was against everything he believed in.
For Merlin's sake, he'd let Pansy Parkinson THINK.
It was too horrifying.
The whole thing had started simply enough...
Two Weeks Earlier:
Pansy smirked and trotted off to do Malfoy's dirty work, leaving Draco to forget the horror of the evening and dwell, instead, upon the fact that Hermione was there, before him looking - well, a little flustered, but not nearly as dishevelled as she would be after-
"We should be there," Hermione turned to him sharply, eying him in that disturbing way she had when she was about to suggest something other than sex.
Life was so unfair.
Draco sighed. "When you say 'there' I naturally assume that you don't mean the warmth of our bed?"
"What are you talking about, Malfoy?" Hermione looked deeply confused.
Damn her.
"Obviously, nothing important," he pouted.
Other than the continuation of the species.
"Right, then, we ought to go with Pansy to make sure nothing goes wrong."
"What?" Draco scoffed, "She's a Slytherin, what can go wrong?"
Hermione raised her eyebrows. Skeptical wench.
"Fine. What's your plan?" he asked.
"Well, we can't let your mother see us."
"Uhhh, yeah... No shit, Granger."
"No need to be crude," Hermione sniffed, taking off toward the Halls of Gryffindorium in a huff only to spin around a moment later. "Well? Come along, Malfoy."
"...uhhh...where?"
"To get Harry's cloak, pay attention!"
"You're going to go digging through Potter's closet?" Draco made a face.
"Yes. Coming?"
"Love to, but you'll have to lose the shirt-"
"Huh?"
Merlin. Did she need a fucking lecture to understand this concept?
Well, yes.
She probably did.
Draco trotted along after her, "So question, do you have to come out of your own closet to be gay - or does Potter's like, triple the gayness?"
Hermione gave him a withering glance.
"Just asking."
So Harry "Fucking (but-not-in-the-good-way)" Potter had an invisibility cloak.
The very SAME invisibility cloak Lucius had said QUOTE "They're too expensive."
Draco supressed the urge to jump up and down crying and bit down, hard.
"Son of Bith!" he screamed.
Hermione jumped, "What?"
"Bi mi ton," he pointed at his mouth pitiously.
Damn that Potter.
"Awww, poor baby-waby, you want mamma kiss it better?" Hermione cooed.
Draco showed her what to kiss.
Hermione threw the cloak over him.
"Hermione, what are you doing here?" Harry walked into the room with a puzzled look on his face, the very expression that made Draco want to slap the shit out of him on a daily basis.
Harry's eyebrows furrowed.
No that, THAT was the look.
"I'm here with Draco."
Harry lifted his furrowed eyebrows. How was it even possible? The bastard! "He in your pocket?"
"Do stop being ridiculous, Harry, he's got the invisibility cloak."
Draco smirked. And what fun could be had with such things?
"Ouch," Harry grabbed his shin, "What the fuck, Malfoy? Hermione, why'd you tell him about it?"
Backing across the room, Draco threw his voice the other way, "It wasn't me!" he declared indignantly and rushed forward to cream the other shin.
"Going somewhere?"
Draco stopped his foot mid-kick to find Hermione holding the cloak right next to him. How embarassing.
"Spider!" he stomped on Potter's foot and the boy screamed. Girlishly, too, Draco noted with satisfaction.
"Draco!" Hermione grabbed his ear.
He shrieked.
"What the hell, woman!" he pulled his head away from her evil hands.
"Harry, I'm sorry that my husband assaulted you. Draco, I'm sorry that you don't have more common sense and decency."
"No complaints about the cock, you'll notice," Draco smirked at Harry.
Hermione pursed her lips in annoyance....and transfigured him into poodle.
So he peed on her.
Ron wandered into the fray just as Hermione was explaining the situation to Harry.
"...so we can't just let Pansy do things by herself."
Ron snorted, "Pansy's a bloody fuckwit, what's she trying to do? Hey, cute dog-" He leaned over to pet it, but it yelped and hid behind Hermione. "Ooookay, so what's up, guys?"
"Pansy and her genius idea is about to get Hermione expelled," Harry shrugged.
"No need to be extreme, Harry, no one's risking their life here," Hermione snapped.
"Drug dealing?"
"Well, this just got interesting," Ron grinned.
"None for you," Hermione glared at him.
"You're sooo no fun now that you're married," Ron tisked.
"Because she was all broomsticks and butterbeer before that?" Harry raised his eyebrows…and the poodle bit him.
"Hey!" Hermione yelled at the dog, "Are you ready to be good?"
"What the hell," Ron muttered. It was like she expected it to have an intelligent answer.
The poodle nuzzled her leg.
"All right," she pointed her wand and muttered a spell and Draco was standing in front of them.
"Ahhhhh," Ron nodded…though it still didn't explain about the intelligent response.
"My love, you will pay for that," Draco's whisper dripped down her spine and Hermione's body exploded in goose bumps.
"Just behave," she muttered sternly, wondering what, exactly, he had in mind.
"Let's go," he took her hand and picked up the cloak on the way to the door.
"One moment," Harry stopped them. Or rather, had somehow rigged the door to never open despite Draco's cajoling. It was quite clever, really. Shocking he'd come up with it. "We're coming with you."
Oh no, that would not work at all.
"Harry, that's impossible-" Hermione tried to explain.
"Fuck no, Potter, open the bloody door," Draco cut in.
"Eloquent, thank you, dear," she glared at him.
"We're not going to fit - the TWO of us will barely fit."
"So we stand close together," Harry shrugged.
"Potter, this little crush has got to stop. I'm flattered," Draco sighed, "But I'm married. See?"
Harry ignored him as anyone of common sense would.
"Hermione can be in the middle -"
"You're leaving me out?" Ron glared at his friend.
Draco glared at Ron, "Weasley, how much of Pansy's dope have you been smoking? We have one cloak - one SMALL cloak."
"And fries?" Hermione chuckled to herself. Small cloak and fries. She chortled more. They could be a drive-thru.
The boys exchanged glances.
"Muggle humor?" Ron looked to Harry for confirmation.
"Sort of," Harry grimaced, "It's muggle, just…horrendously unfunny."
Like Harry was some sort of comedian, Hermione pouted.
"ANYWAY," Draco brought back the conversation to where it should have been - on him, "Where was I? Oh, right - stop being a bloody fuckwit and just let us take the cloak."
"Come on, we'll just squeeze in and all walk together," Harry shrugged, "There's no way I'm letting you leave with my cloak if I'm not there."
They were at an impasse. Sure, he could body bind them and drag Hermione away, but she'd just bitch-bitch-bitch until sex was out of the question…and who wanted to deal with that kind of thing, really?
"So YOUR plan, is that we all sorta SQUEEZE together and monkey walk over to my mom's room and watch the plan scheduled to begin half an hour ago unfold?"
Potter shrugged. "I guess."
"Oh, good, because nothing about THAT plan will go wrong!"
Silence.
"Let's do it," Weasley grinned.
Bloody fucking hell.