DISCLAIMER: This chapter contains drug-use. Neither myself, JK Rowlingthough you have to wonder what she's smoking to ship R/Hr, seriously, or Gumboot Mafia encourage the use of mood altering substances. Except Ritalin, which is fun. Kidding, never used it. Not as cool when you have a prescription, anyways. Anyway, if you should choose to use drugs, it's not my fault. It is particularly dangerous to those who are pregnant, about to operate a motorized vehicle or already retarded - so don't be a dumbass. Thank you and enjoy the story.
Hermione Malfoy, Chapter Sixteen
"Pardon?" Hermione gaped at her mother-in-law, who she could have sworn just offered her son an illegal substance.
Draco stood still for a second and shrugged, "Sure, why not?"
"Draco!"
"What?" he took the joint from his mother's fingers and inhaled deeply. "If I have to be here, I can at least be stoned enough to appreciate it."
"That's - That's - marajuana..." she finished lamely.
"No shit, Granger," Pansy shook her head and Draco exhaled.
"She's a Malfoy now," he corrected with a cough, "That's strong," he nodded to the Parkinson whore in approval and the little bitch preened.
"You passing or what, Malfoy?" Harry asked, holding out his hand.
"In a second," Draco inhaled again.
"Harry! Do you know what that will do to you!" Hermione smacked his hand away from what had to be like smoking cow shit if the smell was any indication.
"Oh dear," Narcissa muttered.
"Yes, Hermione," Harry sighed, "I'm aware of all possible side effects - and aren't you supposed to be nagging your husband? Honestly."
Draco passed him the joint and he took it gratefully.
"Draco! You can't just let Harry-"
"He's not your pet, love, he can smoke if he wants-"
And apparently, Harry did, for he didn't seem inclined to pass the joint further.
"Hermione, darling, you're -," Narcissa wrang her hands in concern and turned to her son, "Draco, you haven't married a prude, have you? Oh dear, I had hoped this wouldn't happen."
"You hoped we wouldn't get high as a family?" Hermione rolled her eyes.
Narcissa and Pansy's eyes met and they burst into laughter.
The only thing Hermione could be totally sure of was the fact that nothing she had said was the least bit funny. Well, maybe a bit funny. She wasn't an entirely witless person, after all, but it was light titter-funny or short snort-funny. Not grab your stomach and roll on the ground unable to breathe-funny as they seemed to find it.
"You are both very clearly high."
"It's true," Narcissa nodded, wiping tears from her eyes.
"It's so fucking true," Parkinson agreed, bursting into laughter, "Cause that so - wasn't - funny."
Hermione huffed. Honestly, she was getting flak from the biggest slut in their class? She hadn't even been trying to be funny.
"How baked are we?" Narcissa held her hand up and stared at it calmly for a moment and dissolved into laughter.
"Is your hand, like, so big?" Hermione snitted.
"Draco, make her stop - I can't breathe," Narcissa begged.
Draco chuckled and found Hermione's glare pinning him to the wall.
"What is so funny about this, Draco?" she tapped her foot and Parkinson fell off her chair.
He decided not to go into the time that he got baked and laughed at the same light fixture for almost an hour. In fairness, it had looked quite phallic at the time. "Nothing, love, you're just so cute," he pulled her against him.
"Draco, breath," she coughed, "Two steps back."
"Hermione," he whined. How embarassing. Draco muttered a spell of marvelous minty freshness and pulled her back against him. "Better?"
"Draco, I don't think you ought to be doing this - we had a plan," she hissed.
"And the second someone comes in to expel us, we'll dive under the invisibility cloak."
Hermione frowned, "Aren't you supposed to be slurring or something?"
"No, no common misconception," Draco shook his head, trying to form the words to explain, "See, I'm not drunk. Alcohol equals slurring. Pot equals..."
"Massive Idiocy?"
"No," he shook his head and then chuckled, "Well, sometimes. You know what you look like?"
"This can't end well," Harry giggled and the string of possibilities flowed through Draco's head. Each more hilarious than the last.
"No, stop, Potter, it's not funny," he shook his head, trying not to laugh, "A chipmunk! See? Granger, your cute little chipmunk teeth," he tapped on them.
She smacked his hand away. "I look like a rodent?"
"No, chip-munk," he pronounced it for her helpfully.
Hermione did not look at all pleased with the compliment. Bit of a picky wench, that one.
A buck toothed rat, was basically what he was calling her. Hermione did not at all appreciate Malfoy calling attention to her teeth.
She blamed it all on the affects of the demon-drug he was smoking.
"Mmmm," Harry sighed as he breathed in deeply.
"Harry, I can't believe you," Hermione shook her head, "I can't believe you would choose now, of all times, to start smoking pot, what are you thinking?"
"Start?" Draco gaped at her, "Potter's like, best friends with the ganja, Hermione. Why do you think everyone calls him Pothead?"
In truth, she had found it a somewhat witless... "You're the only one who calls him that."
"Oh," Draco frowned, "Well, where do you think I got it?"
"It's true, you always were somewhat on the nose with your insults."
"Says the person who called me ferret-boy for the last four years."
"Ferret-boy," Harry chuckled and Draco rolled his eyes.
Hermione heard giggling very close to her and the joint disappeared from Harry's hand. Ron. Hermione foot flew into air and CRUNCHED into his invisible shin.
Smoke WHOOSHED into Hermione's face and she started coughing spasmodically.
The cloak slipped from Ron's head when he grabbed his shin and started bouncing and screaming, but it caught around his hands - so no one could actually SEE his hands or his injured leg, but his wailing left them all to believe it was quite painful.
It was actually marvelously entertaining watching half of Ron's body bounce up and down and Hermione started cackling with the rest of the group.
"You're such a fucking moron, Weasley," her husband muttered and Hermione laughed harder.
Harry tried to breathe and focused on Hermione, "Seriously? If Hermione thinks this is funny, I can't be half as stoned as I thought."
Draco's eyes narrowed as he studied his wife, laughing helplessly and occasionally choking. There was something off. Sure, it could be that she found it hilarious - given that it was, in fact, always hilarious to watch poor people hopping around in abject misery...but it didn't seem like her type of humor, alas. And he couldn't help but be a little offended that she found his breath repulsive, but didn't seem to have the slightest problem with Weasley's...
It clicked.
"She's high too," Harry spoke slowly as it dawned on him as well, "She breathed it in... Damn, this shit is strong," he nodded to Pansy in approval.
"Cheers, love," she winked back at him.
Draco rolled his eyes. Didn't take long for her to find a new target, apparently.
"Wait? What did you say?" Hermione frowned at Harry.
"First timers," Narcissa sighed and tilted a bag of chips toward her daughter-in-law, "Care for a few?"
"Sure," Hermione reached her hand into the bag and pulled out a handful of chips, popping them into her mouth one after another and with increasing delight, "Hey-wha-kind-er-zeese?" she snatched another handful and everyone smirked.
"Wha..?" she glared at them all, still chewing.
"Welcome to the joys of pot, Granger," Pansy snickered, "And give that back," she grabbed the bag from Hermione's hand and the Head Girl frowned.
"Parkinson, it's Malfoy. Merlin. Speaking of which - nice going, Weasley, if anyone's going to manipulate my wife into smoking pot, it should be me," Draco pouted.
"Fuck off, Malfoy," Weasley finally let go of his leg and began to test it out. "Not the only thing I gave her before you..."
"Headaches? Nausea?"
The boys were bickering as always, but it didn't seem to matter overmuch. What was irritating was the way Pansy kept dangling the chips in front of her, snatching them back and giggling.
Hermione was going to kill that bitch.
"For god's sake," Narcissa muttered, "Hermione, would you like some of these chips?" her mother-in-law handed her a different bag and Hermione eyed them dubiously.
"I liked that kind..."
"These will be just as good," Narcissa assured her.
It seemed unlikely, but Hermione decided to give them a try and while they were different, she had never tasted anything so saturated with flavor. "Wha-are-zeese?"
"Chex mix."
Duh.
Hermione rolled her eyes, "Yeah, I know, but are they magic?" She crammed a bunch in her mouth.
"Nope."
"Nuh-uh!" she stuffed more in her mouth, "They-r-sooo-no-real"
"Attractive," Narcissa grimaced. "I'm losing my buzz," she looked around, "Hello, there, red-headed fellow? If you could pass it my way?"
Ron took a break from where he was about to go after Malfoy to hand over the joint.
"Anyway," Narcissa took a deep drag, "How are you enjoying married life?"
Hermione laughed. "Yes, let's talk about my marriage to your son. Not awkward," she snickered. "You know, I don't know what they're going on about, I didn't breathe any of that in, I feel totally normal."
"Right, Granger, you're normally nice and relaxed like this," Pansy broke into the conversation and snickered.
"That's..." Hermione frowned at Pansy, "That's not at all nice!"
A loud guffaw broke out behind them and the women turned to Harry, helping himself to chips and chuckling. "Oh, don't mind me."
"I didn't, until you spoke," Hermione chuckled at herself and looked at Pansy and Narcissa expectantly and they merely turned to Harry.
Hermione assumed that they didn't understand her clever word play, being that they were high, and let it slide.
"So...Harry," Pansy smiled, "You having a good time?"
"Could be better," he slid into the seat beside her.
"Really..." she played ran her fingers along his thigh, "Do tell."
"It's a secret," he smiled.
"Then whisper," she winked at him.
Hermione's mouth dropped open, "Harry, you're FLIRTING with Pansy Parkinson!" she yelled.
Everyone in the room stopped what they were doing to give her a 'My aren't we slow tonight' look. Which, honestly, wasn't much of a surprise except from Draco, who had, up until that point, been holding Ron in a choke-hold and hadn't seemed ready to end it.
"So?" Pansy snapped, "You took my man, I'll take yours."
There was no good place to go from here and Draco dropped Ron to the floor in favor of stepping into any fights the girls chose to start over him. Well, after he observed for awhile, of course. One didn't get a quality chick fight every day...
"Draco was never yours except for like, fifteen minutes in 4th grade," Hermione rolled her eyes.
"That's right," Draco agreed, "Well, wait, I lasted longer than fifteen minutes."
Hermione glared at him and Potter didn't appear to believe him.
"Right, not the point, love, what were you saying?"
"She was interfering, as always," Pansy muttered.
"Now girls," Narcissa sighed, "I'm sure you're both perfectly lovely, but there is only one woman that will ever truly capture Draco's heart-"
"Oh no," Draco looked for a place to hide. "Mother, it's the pot talking. Whatever you're going to say? Forget it."
"Awww, Draco, am I embarrassing you, love?" she chuckled.
"If you have to ask then assume yes."
This was beginning to kill his buzz.
"Oh, sweetie," Hermione rubbed his hand, "You'll be okay," she nuzzled against his side.
Draco looked down at her and she smiled up at him. Huh. Humiliation comfort ? It was an equation he'd have to explore... He looked around for a convenient corner.
Hermione wasn't surprised or embarrassed when Draco dragged her to the corner and began to smother her with kisses. She liked it, in fact. Perhaps she had been just slightly affected by Ron's dragon breath...
There was something odd about the whole situation, though and she pulled away from the kiss. "You know what's weird?"
"Tell me later..."
"No, seriously, it's like we're making out-" she tried to explain.
"Not 'like'we ARE making out..."
"Nooo, but like, we're making out here, but it feels like my mouth is like – over HERE," she took a step to her side, "Weird, right?"
"Not really – you're baked, now kiss me."
He pushed her back against the wall and Hermione shrugged off the oddness and melted into the feel of his lips and the taste of his mouth.
It was at that moment that the door opened.
Draco and Hermione's eyes flew to the door, where Madame Hooch and Dumbledore stood at the door...and everyone else was mysteriously absent.
Madame Hooch sniffed the air and glared at the couple. "I thought better of you two, REALLY. You know the rules, how could you let this happen?"
Mr. and Mrs. Malfoy exchanged grim looks. There was really nothing else to do about the situation.
They would simply have to murder Pansy Parkinson.