The bus kept on rolling on the highway, taking us to our next venue. Smells Like Teen Spirit by Nirvana was blasting from the living room, as we called it, but we were all in our separate bunks. I had a small container of Edy's cookie dough ice cream, my new ice cream of choice, a can of Dr. Pepper, and my notebook in front of me.
I had done quite a bit of writing. Thus far, I had written two new songs, My Immortal and The Last Song I'm Wasting On You. I had started two more, which I had decided to call I Can Do Better and Over and Over. The guys and I had discussed it, and decided that if I could come up with a couple of more songs, we would do a new EP after Warped. I felt like I needed to get all of this pent up anger, frustration, and hurt out there, so I had been working furiously. After scribbling a few more lyrics on I Can Do Better, I put my book up, and walked back onto the main part of the bus with my phone, soda, and ice cream in hand.
I checked my phone to see if I had any messages. Yup. I had five new messages from Andy, one from Sierra, two from Scout, one from Sammi, and three from our new friend, Hayley Williams from Paramore. I went to my inbox, and read and replied to the messages from the guys. It took a couple of minutes of working up to it, but I checked Andy's messages.
Tidal, please talk to me. I love you more than anything. I hope you know that.
Love, please talk to me. You're the most amazing thing that's ever happened to me, and I didn't wanna mess it up with whatever I did. Text me back. Please?
I've been watching your music videos and some of your performances. You're a great performer. Have I ever told you that? I love you.
I honestly don't know what happened. Do you really mean what you say in those songs, Make Me Wanna Die, Scars, and Just Tonight? I got your album as soon as it came out. It was great. I love you.
Listen, even if you don't want to take me back, I still love you and I need to know what I did if I'm going to try to fix it. Did I say something to make you mad? Did Jake tell you about me accidentally setting that picture of us on fire? Because it was an accident. Did me telling you that I love you freak you out? I understand if it did. But, I still love you. Please talk to me.
Those awful tears started spilling again. I deleted the messages as the guys returned my texts. I went back to my bunk and got my book and finished my songs within the hour. Granted, it had just turned into a different hour, and I finished at the last minute, but it still counts. My phone started ringing, and without looking, I answered.
"Hello?" I asked, wiping my face clean of any tears that had fallen in the writing process.
"Hey, Tidal-" Andy's voice resounded from the other end.
"Look, Andy! I am trying to get over you and you're not necessarily making it easy. If you could just stop trying to contact me in every way possible, that would be just dandy!" I yelled, waiting for him to respond.
"I still love you! I'm not going to give up on you. I just want you to know that." After he finished, I hung up. I leaned my head back against the window.
I turned around to look out of the window, only to see a rather tall form with black hair leaning his head against his window in his bus. He turned around, doing the exact same thing that I was, and we locked eyes. Blue on blue. However, my gaze was cold and steely, but his was desperate and pleading. I snapped the curtains shut, fighting every nerve in my body screaming at me to call him back, sobbing, and telling him how much I love him.
Okay, to all of you girls out there, and maybe even some of you guys, let me give you some advice about boys. There will always be that one boy who means more to you than anybody else you could possibly imagine. But, chances are they will break your heart, and you'll want to go against everything you've ever stood for just to take him back. Don't do that. Never make somebody your priority if you're just their option. And, one more bit of cheesy advice: Never make someone your whole world, because when they break your heart, you have nothing left. Love sucks. And, it can go and rot in Hades. Oh, by the way, a good song to listen to when you're really depressed about a breakup is Dr. Feelgood by Motley Crue. It makes me feel good.
Maybe, while I'm waiting to tell you about what happens as I'm waiting to tell you what happened next, I should stall by telling you about the bus that we were on. I'll start from the back forward. In the back, we had a small bathroom with a small shower, a toilet, a sink, and a medicine cabinet with four shelves, one for each of us, according to height. Goes from Mor, Ronnie, Kailee, me. The next thing we have is a small area, kinda like a hallway, but on either side is a place where we keep most of our clothes and shoes and junk. We split the two down the middle so we each got a section. Then, we have the bunks. We have twelve bunks, just in case we wanna bring family out or something. We each have one in the very middle row, all of them with shelves, and personalized with our junk. It just makes the tour bus a little more personal. Mine is decorated with posters of my favorite bands like Cinderella, Guns N' Roses, the Beatles, the Ramones, and various pictures of us. Not posters of us or anything, just pictures. Some with just the guys, some with Scout, Sammi, Sierra, or Hayley, and sometimes all of us. I also have pictures of family.
Then, we have the kitchen. It has a refrigerator, a cabinet, a sink, and a counter with a toaster and a microwave. Then, there is the living area. It has a couch on the same side of the bus as the TV and another couch right across from it, both with small tables right beside them. This area had a little billboard thing that we personalized with pictures of venues, fans, us, family, and the guys with their boyfriends. In the time between the AP Tour and Warped, Mor and Jake had started dating. We were just waiting for Ronnie and CC to start dating. So, it was decorated with pictures of them and, once upon a time, it had been decorated with pictures of me and Andy, but we had taken them down and cut out Andy's head. Then, there was the driver's alcove, which really doesn't take a lot of imagination to see. Yeah, we had a freakin' huge bus! Jealous?
Back to the story. Suddenly, the bus stopped. The guys walked out from the bunk alcove thingy, confused looks on their faces.
"Yo, Willis, why did you stop the bus?" Mor called out.
"I got a call from one of the other drivers, saying to stop the bus. He also told me that Kailee, Mor, and Ronnie need to go outside. CC, Jake, and Ash have surprises for you." They were so lovestruck that they didn't even realize that it was a trap and they were out the door before I could stop them. A couple of seconds later, Andy walked on and locked the door.
"You know, this is a new low, even for you." I said angrily, standing up and crossing my arms. The bus started going again, and I wanted to yell at Willis.
"I figured that if I want to talk to you, I have to do something kinda drastic. This is what I chose to do." He said, still standing by the door. I sat there, glaring at him before I finally walked back to my bunk and got in. To my surprise, he followed and got in with me, just as I was getting my song book out.
"Get out." I said, trying to shove him out, but it was difficult because I had limited space, and he was holding onto the bunk above us.
"Nope. I am going to follow you wherever you go on this bus. Four more hours; just you, me, and Willis, but he's up there, listening to Black Sabbath on his iPod, so I don't think he counts." He said, as I gave one last final, tired shove and gave up. I crawled to the other end, hoping to avoid his gaze as I did my revisions of my new songs.
I opened it right to the page where I had finished My Immortal. I could feel Andy's eyes on me the whole time.
"What's that?" He asked, as though he thought that I would give him a real answer.
"None of your business." I replied coldly, erasing a line and writing one that sounded better. He got out, to my relief, but to my horror, he got back in, this time right beside me, so he saw my song.
"That sounds like a good song. I just wish that you had written it under different circumstances." He said, sounding genuine.
"Shut up. Have you heard our song Just Tonight?" I asked, making a reference to the song about how little he cares.
"Yeah. I've heard every one of your songs on the album. I just really wish that you would tell me what happened." He said.
I rolled my eyes, and flipped over to The Last Song I'm Wasting On You. He read that one, too, but I didn't even care.
"I'm glad that you finally got your song written." He said. I looked over to him and saw genuine hurt, confusion, and frustration in his eyes.
"You don't even care." I said, deeming the song perfect and flipping to Over and Over.
"I still love you, I miss you, and I care more than anything. If you could just tell me, then maybe I can fix it." He pleaded for the hundredth time.
"You know, on the last day of Izzy's school year, there was career day at school, and we were back home, so she took me, and I sang Just Tonight for them. They said that I didn't need this crap. That I was too talented, too pretty, and was too smart to put up with this." I said. In case you don't know, Izzy is my little sister. She's, like, fourteen, and looks up to me. Her real name is Isabella, but she loves Guns N' Roses almost as much as me, and Izzy Stradlin is her favorite.
"They're a smart group of people, but that doesn't erase the fact that I don't even know what I did!" He exclaimed, the frustration evident in his voice and in his eyes. Tears just randomly started piling up in my eyes, and they spilled over before I could even try to stop them.
I wiped frantically at my eyes, trying to stop, but Andy wrapped his arms around me, which didn't help at all. I just cried, struggling to get away from him, but he just held on tighter. I punched his chest, but he didn't even seem fazed. Eventually, I just gave up and cried into his chest, sobbing and asking him how he could hurt me like that. I still wasn't going to tell him what had happened, because he knew and I wasn't about to give in to his playing dumb act. Much like he had done the last night of AP, he rocked me back and forth, kissing the top of my head, and telling me that it was going to be okay. I finally stopped crying, but started sniffling, and, wiping my nose, I pulled away from him and he let me.
"I know now that you're not going to tell me what happened, but that doesn't mean that I can't try to talk to you about other stuff." He said as I tried to stop sniffling. He pushed my hair back from my forehead, but it just fell back right where it was.
"I'm just tired of fighting. What do you want to ask me about?" I asked quietly, hoping that he would just magically transport himself back to his bus.
"I love your music videos for Just Tonight and Make Me Wanna Die. I've never seen you in a dress." He stated, trying to grab my hand, but I moved it to where he couldn't hold it.
"Thanks. I picked them out myself." I had worn a dress in both videos which didn't necessarily make me feel all that comfortable, but the videos dictated a dress.
"You looked beautiful. You're such an amazing performer, and singer. I've been listening to My Pain of Heart so much, it's been driving the guys up the wall." He said with a little smile.
"Thanks. I've been eating a lot of ice cream and drinking a lot of Dr. Pepper and when the one of the guys drinks or eats the last of either of them, I'll start yelling at them." I said with my own small smile.
"I drink all of the alcohol. We haven't stayed stocked for more than a few days since... you know." He said quietly. I nodded my head.
"Can I ask you a question?" I asked, turning to face him.
"You just did. But, go ahead." He nodded in consent.
"Thanks. Why do you want to get back together with me so much? You could have almost anybody you wanted and you still choose me. I never understood in the first place why you chose to go out with me." I said, feeling rather pathetic for asking him.
"The reason I keep on going for you is because you're the one that I want. I could go on for days, just talking about the different reasons I love you and why I want you so much. For right now, I'm just going to say this: you're the most amazing person I've ever met, you're not ashamed to be yourself, and no matter how many different times I see you, as soon as you leave, I start missing you." He said, putting his hand over mine, which I had unconsciously moved back to where it had been before.
"I still love you, Andy. I really do. And, maybe, someday, I'll trust you enough to apologize, and, maybe, we can get back together." I said quietly, looking down at our hands, how our fingers just seemed to belong with each other.
"Hopefully." He said just as quietly. I looked up at him, struggling with the desire to break down and kiss him.
"I'll tell you what happened." That got his attention. "After I left the stage, right after you told me you loved me, this girl came up to me, and she told me that you had slept with her while we were performing. I assumed that that was the reason why you had told me that you loved me. To lessen the pain. Really, that was the worst thing you could have ever done, because it just made me feel like an idiot and it made it that much worse." I said, a bitter edge to my voice. I turned to look at him again, and he was honestly shocked.
"I didn't cheat on you, but I'm guessing that you don't believe me, so is there anything I could do to help this situation?" He asked, recovering from his shock.
"Unless you can reverse time so you wouldn't cheat on me, then no." I said, looking back down at my hands.
"I would never cheat on you. I love you way too much, and you've had two too many boyfriends who have. But, you still don't believe me." He stated tiredly. I shook my head. "Have you ever heard of Kid Rock?" I snorted.
"I'm from Nashville, the country capital of the world, of course I have." I said, crossing my arms.
"Well, he has this song called Blue Jeans and a Rosary. It reminds me of us. Here, let me show you." He pulled out his phone from nowhere, and pulled up the Internet and YouTube. He clicked on this lyric video for the song.
I must admit, it was quite like our story. We hadn't actually met at a bar, in case you don't remember, but we really bonded that night, at a bar. He had drank so much, so I made sure that he made it out of there without any altercations. It had actually been a pretty good night, but when I look back on it, it made me sad.
"That reminds me of us, too. I didn't know you liked country." I stated the obvious.
"I don't, it's just this one song is really good and it makes me think of you." He said. "I know this sounds kind of creepy, but I have a whole playlist of songs that remind me of you." He said, smiling a little bit.
"Really? I do too. But, most of them are really angry and hurtful and stuff. What songs are on yours?" I asked curiously. He pulled up the music section on his phone and went to a playlist.
"Blue Jeans and a Rosary, Rebel Love Song, Love Isn't Always Fair, Free Fallin', November Rain, Sweet Child Of Mine, Die For You, and I Was Made For Lovin' You." He read off. I nodded in acknowledgment. "What are some songs are on your playlist?" He asked curiously. I pulled out my iPod and went to my playlist.
"Nobody's Fool and Heartbreak Station by Cinderella, Jar of Hearts by Christina Perri, The Only Exception by Paramore, Just Tonight, Make Me Wanna Die, Scars, November Rain, and Miserably Loving You by Artist Vs Poet." I read off, feeling a little bit embarrassed.
"I'm sorry. At least we share one song." I nodded, running my finger over my November Rain tattoo on my forearm.
"Yeah. I saw half of your performance yesterday." I said. The first day of Warped was yesterday, but our next day wasn't for a couple of days. Like, four.
"Yeah? I saw your whole performance. It was great." He repeated.
"Thanks. As much as I hate to admit it, your performance was really good, too." I said, scratching my head.
"So, I've been meaning to ask; what was the inspiration for your music video for Just Tonight?" He asked. It started out in a dark and crowded attic with us moving stuff around, and it started out the song, but then it moved to me and my drunk 'boyfriend' in a car and me being mad at him, then went back to the attic as it hit the chorus. When the next verse came, it went the boyfriend's house in his living room, then went back to attic. It went back to the living room, then I left the house and slammed the garden gate just as the chorus began, and me and the guys started walking down the street, ending at us sitting down on a bench beside a bus stop.
"The first night we were back in LA, I was walking down the street, and I saw a girl and her boyfriend having a fight in their car. I thought that it would've been a really good idea for a music video. The idea for the attic came when we were helping Kailee's grandma, who lives in LA, clean out her attic. It was really dark and dusky. We thought that it would be a great setting for the video." I explained.
"It's my favorite music video as of right now. I broke my ribs recently, trying to fly like Batman." He just randomly said. I looked over at him, then pulled his shirt up the tiniest bit and saw bandages wrapped around his waist.
"What happened?" I asked, whether I liked it or not, out of concern.
"We were performing, I climbed up on a ledge, I jumped off, and I hit my ribs on the ledge below it." He said, pulling his shirt up more, so I could see all of his bandages.
"I'm sorry. I'm also sorry for this, but that was very stupid." I said, looking up at him. He nodded.
"Whatcha reading?" He asked, reaching over me to my shelf and pulling off my latest read.
"It's a series called Maximum Ride. That book is the second one, School's Out- Forever." As soon as he heard that, his face broke into that wonderful grin that I loved. He loved Alice Cooper more than I did, and that's saying something. He then picked up a pointillism project that I had been working on.
In case you're wondering, pointillism is a type of art. It's where you draw something in pencil, outline it in dark dots, erased the pencil, and then colored it in with dots. The one that he had grabbed was a picture of a dark to light blue Gibson Les Paul guitar that I had been working on for Mor. It was about halfway finished, but it was coming along nicely.
"I didn't know you could draw." He said, holding it open for both of us to see.
"Yeah, but for some reason, whenever I'm not doing pointillism, I can't draw at all." I said, fingering the edge of the paper.
"It's really good." I nodded in agreement before yawning and scratching the back of my head. "You tired?" He asked in concerned.
"Yeah. I drank way too much caffeine last night while I was working on those songs; I guess it finally caught up to me." I said through a yawn, stretching my arms out in front of me, and trying not to fall asleep.
"You can sleep if you want." He stated. I nodded and crashed right then and there, my head hitting his shoulder.
I woke up a couple of hours later, not remembering what had happened at all, so, naturally, when I saw Andy's sleeping form beside me, his face toward mine and his arms wrapped around me, I freaked out. I started screaming, kicking, and punching while Andy was so startled that his eyes snapped open, he started screaming, and he rolled out of my bunk a couple of feet and onto the floor. He jumped up, while I was still screaming and fully prepared to jump out and remove him of his abilities to have kids.
"What happened?" He yelled, arms out and eyes wide. I got out and faced him in the small space that was the hallway between the two rows of bunks.
"What are you doing on my bus? Where are the guys? Willis, why aren't you doing anything?" I called up to the bus driver section.
"The guys are with the rest of my band, Willis isn't on the bus, and I've been on the bus for about four hours. Do you not remember what happened?" He said loudly, holding his arms out, probably so I wouldn't punch him. Suddenly, everything came rushing back to me in one huge flood of memories, synonymous to a hangover.
"Oh, jeez. Are we at the next venue?" I asked, rubbing my forehead. He nodded. "Um, not to be rude or anything, but can you get off of the bus, please?" I asked, my face heating up. He nodded again, and left the bus.
I was left alone, my mind a dangerous place to be. Quite frankly, it sucked. I had never felt so many mixtures of confusion, sadness, anger, a little bit of happiness, indecision, and more confusion in my life. Oh, the perks of being Andy Biersack's ex-girlfriend. Not. Especially when he's trying to get you back.