Disclaimer: Harry Potter and all respective people/places/things belong to J.K. Rowling. Or so I'm told, being that I still haven't read the books.
A/N: Okay, I've done extensive research on the names of Hermione's parents – that is to say, I googled it and asked people. Turns out they have no official names and before people start bitching that her mom is mostly called Jane... I'm not calling her Jane. I'm calling them Robert and Helen. So, other than the three people that mention this only because I said not to – I'm hoping the rest of you can accept the decision.
A/N #2: Please ignore the first A/N if, like any normal person, you couldn't care less and just want to get on with it.
A/N #3: Now I'm just stalling to see how many you'll read.
A/N #4: AHAHAHA! Just kidding, over giddy, here we go...
Hermione Malfoy, Chapter Eighteen
by scarlet (superscar)
What she could have possibly been thinking to let Draco Fucking Malfoy into the same breathing space as her parents, Hermione really couldn't say. In fact, she couldn't even think what moment of weakness had led her to ask Draco to stay with her. How had that gone again?
Oh right. She had ignored any good sense that she'd been born with and politely asked if he wanted to go home with her for the break. Draco told her to sod off.
At which point she'd gone ballistic and pretty much forced him.
Brilliant moment on her part.
Very, very belatedly, she remembered a few things about her situation that she hadn't been fully focusing on:
A) Her parents hadn't the foggiest clue that she was married at all, not to mention married to Draco Malfoy, a wizard whose name had not been brought up favorably in the past.
B) The aforementioned Ferret Faced git was unaware of situation A, but because of situation
C) Draco Malfoy's heart pumped liquid evil...
It was unlikely that any of these situations would resolve themselves, at least not in a positive light. So she resorted to a tactic that she wouldn't normally consider.
"Draco, please don't say anything," Hermione begged.
"Moi?" Draco eyed her innocently.
She was so buggered.
XXX
"Hermione, over here!"
Draco turned to see a middle aged couple approaching Hermione and couldn't be more excited to meet his in-laws. What would he say? How would he do it? The situation was too fucking beautiful to waste on poor diction. Merlin, if he had a week to plan maybe he could come up with something clever enough to be worthy of that giddy feeling inside him.
But alas, all he had was the present.
"Please Malfoy, don't be the utter prat I know you want to be right now."
"I'm willing to consider sexual favors in exchange," he gave her what he considered an extremely magnanimous offer. She would, of course, refuse...but he gave her a-
"Sure, what kind?" Hermione asked.
Draco's mouth dropped. What? His mind went blank. "What did you have in mind?"
"Nothing, you pervert," Hermione smacked him, "Merlin, what the hell is wrong with you?"
"Well, my father was a murdering Death Eater and my mother's an overprotective psychopath. Start adding," Draco shrugged.
Hermione gave him a look that almost resembled pity and he was instantly annoyed with her.
"Gods, you're no fun anymore, I liked it better when we were shagging."
"Shhhhh," she hushed him as her parents got within hearing distance. "Mum! Dad! Hi!"
"Hermione! Welcome home!" her mother enveloped her in a hug.
"And you must be the friend she mentioned bringing back with her," Hermione's father offered his hand to Draco. "Robert Granger, this is my wife Helen."
"Draco Malfoy."
Harold stilled and it was obvious that he recognized the name. Better still, the dawning horror in his eyes made Draco's heart positively pound with anticipation for the next piece of news he got to deliver...
"He's my husband," Hermione beat him to the punch and Draco wanted to scream at her. She ruined it! On purpose! The sheer disappointment of the moment was almost painful. How could she do this to him? After all they'd meant to each other? Merlin, his eyes were burning.
His in-laws looked between them in shock. "Wait...you got married?"
Considering how smart Hermione was, he'd expected her parents to be a little quicker on the uptake.
"That we did," Draco smiled, struck with inspiration "and frankly, I was hurt that you would let something silly like my parentage stop you from being there for your daughter on our wedding day."
"Draco-" Hermione looked ready to flay him, a sure sign he was on the right track.
"No, Hermione, I know you said they'd apologized, and it was nice enough of them to invite us back to their home, but I'm going to need to hear it myself," he sniffed.
Silence. Draco waited, letting his eyes well with tears.
Helen was the first to speak and glared at her daughter, "Why Hermione Jane Granger, what on EARTH have you been telling this nice young man about us? Draco, was it?" she drew him into a massive bear hug, "Welcome to the family! I am so sorry about this horrid miscommunication with our daughter. Really, Hermione, I couldn't be more disappointed in you. The very idea we would hold something so silly against him... I apologize again, Draco, that was not the case at all. Now, what do you have to say for yourself, young lady?"
All eyes turned to Hermione and Draco smiled.
Perfect.
XXX
And here she thought breaking the news herself would be the better way to go. Take away his power, so to speak. But no, he bounced back and somehow made the whole thing her fault! Typical.
"Mum, let's just get out of here now and I'll explain everything," she led her parents out of the train station and her mind whirred feverishly with possible explanations. The truth: That she'd been talked into a sham marriage by a man she greatly respected and was now on the verge of expulsion and divorce was the last thing Hermione wanted known. It was out of the question.
But what lie would mollify her parents and more importantly, really stick it to her darling hubby?
She was coming up blank so far.
XXX
"Gods, could you stop with that thing for one second, Ron?" Ginny snatched the quaffle he kept banging against her wall.
"Right, if you weren't so busy with Blaise I doubt you'd care."
"Harry," Ginny begged, "Please, please stupify him for me. Mum said if I did it again, I couldn't have Blaise spend the night."
"Gin, you can't have your boyf- erm... close personal friend spend the night! That's so unfair!"
"What Mum doesn't know won't hurt her, will it, Ronald?" Ginny hissed.
"Don't you think she'll notice your chum will only be here every other day?"
"Well, if she does, I'll know precisely who to blame, won't I?"
"Guys, you're seriously giving me a headache," Harry buried his face under a pillow.
"You're giving yourself a headache about 'Mione, Harry, don't drag us into it," Ron hushed him.
"What about Hermione?" Ginny wanted to know and Blaise emerged from her room to hear the answer.
"You know, the expulsion. Harry thinks we should all be expelled if they are. Us, for the pot, you guys for screwing in the dorm," Ron made a face.
"At least some of us are getting some," Blaise shrugged.
"Thanks for that," Ron shivered, "Really. We were all begging for that image."
"Fine with me," Harry smiled. "In fact...don't mind us."
"So how do you think Draco is getting along with the Grangers?" Ginny kicked her brother off his bed and pulled her significant other down to cuddle with her.
"Gross, you're contaminating my sheets, Gin, what the hell?"
"I'm sure you did something to deserve it," she shrugged.
"He got Hermione high," Harry offered helpfully.
"You dick!" Ginny punched Ron.
"Merlin," Ron hid on Harry's side of the room.
"Why didn't you tell someone it was your fault? She might get expelled!" Ginny glared at her brother.
Ron shook his head, "It isn't my fault! She was the one that kicked me and she was barely even high, it lasted what, five minutes? And I don't know how she got in trouble in the first place, it's not like she got caught."
Blaise gave him a weird look, "Umm, actually that's exactly what happened and I wasn't even there to see it, what the hell is wrong with you?"
"Harry, tell them what really happened," Ron sighed, "He was there too."
Ginny and Blaise turned to Harry expectantly and he looked extremely uncomfortable.
"Well, you know, it happened kind of...like Blaise said."
Ron's mouth dropped, "Harry! Why are you just agreeing with that Slytherin?"
"Because she- Is it okay for me to say she?" he turned to Blaise.
"Today, yes. Tomorrow, no," Blaise winked and Harry turned away from her quickly.
"Anyway," he turned back to Ron, "Because she's right. You don't remember that?"
"What's to remember? We got baked and took off."
Ginny looked worried, "Why doesn't he remember? Pot doesn't affect memory, does it?"
"Not without a whole lot more," Blaise actually seemed concerned as well. About Ron. It was unnatural.
"Shhh..." Harry got everyone's attention, "I think I know what happened."
XXX
"So tell us all about the wedding," Mrs. Granger told them the second they got into the car. "You're not..." she glanced not so subtly toward Hermione's midsection.
"No," Hermione glared at her mother, she got this question way too often.
"Not that we know of, anyway," Draco patted her hand affectionately.
"So what made you want to get married so quickly? Why not wait a few years?" her father asked.
Hermione had never come up with a particularly good reason and hoped Draco had one.
"Well, Sir, after the war," Draco interlocked their fingers, as though this story was hard for him to tell and Hermione braced herself for the utter horse shite that was to spew forth.
"Go on, Son," her mother encouraged.
"After the war, I told myself that I would stop wasting time. I didn't want to wait some arbitrary amount of time for everyone else to think Hermione and I were ready to be married. We wanted our life together to start as soon as possible."
"Awww," her mother melted and Hermione started to realize Draco was stroking her hand with his thumb. "Hermione, why wouldn't you tell us you were marrying such a romantic young man?"
"That's an answer I'd like to hear as well," Draco threw her a wounded look, as though he was truly offended she'd kept their fake matrimony to herself.
"I was just scared," Hermione shrugged. It was the best she could do on short notice, "Not of how you'd react initially, but I knew you'd talk to the Weasley's eventually and I just didn't want their opinions to color what you thought of our marriage. I just wanted to stay in our little...love bubble," she grimaced. Merlin, that was corny as hell.
"I like our love bubble too," Draco winked suggestively.
"Oh, John, remember when we were like that?" her mother sighed.
"We're still like that, of course, darling," her parents joined hands and Hermione was absolutely certain she'd blow chunks.
"Mum, Dad, please – I really might be ill," her stomach rolled with the images.
"Oh, Hermione, you're a married woman now," her mum scolded, "you know how these things are."
"Trust me, she does," Draco threw in.
"Pull over," she begged.
"Oh, darling, are you quite sure you're not expecting?"
It was too much.
Everything in her stomach surged without bound and tore out of her like a Cruciatus Curse.
Unfortunately, her nervousness in taking Draco home with her had resulted in her eating everything that appeared before her that morning, most all of which had looked better the first time around.
Hermione almost puked again at the sight of it, all over Draco's lap.
"I'm so sorry, I..." she couldn't be more mortified. Her eyes lifted to his face, for the first time taking in the expression of the aristocratic wizard, covered in filth and not allowed to scourgify himself of it. "...I actually feel much better now."
She smiled.
XXX
This hellacious hairball was the one that, not two weeks ago, he'd wanted to stay married to? That he, Merlin, did he still want to? Fuck, Draco hoped not.
She was a vicious, vicious monster just spoiling to dirty him up in the most inconceivable ways. Was it not enough that his bloodline was forever tainted by their marriage. Draco pushed aside the reminder that blood purity was total bollocks, he was on a roll that was not to be messed with. Big toothed, mudblooded, puke faced, big haired, bossy brained, snubbed nosed, know-it-all, stupid, whiny, red-haired...
At some point he'd actually moved on to Weasley and Draco couldn't really remember where, so he started over with his complaints as he cleaned, yes he Draco Malfoy, cleaned his own shirt. They were animals, these muggles.
Somehow, in his short marriage, he had allowed his wife to abuse him terribly, he'd discovered.
First off, she hardly ever gave it up. Sure, one night. But since then? Nothing. Before then? Teasing at best.
Second, she dragged him into the most annoying scenarios with her bollocks for brains friends.
Third, she had zero qualms about transfiguring him into whatever animal she saw fit, when it should be perfectly clear that sort of behavior only brought back that traumatic time in his life that she and her friends saw as a perfectly hilarious joke. It actually said a lot about their sense of humor, being it was A. So three years ago and B. Child abuse, but whatever.
What had he been on about? Right!
Fourth, Potter clearly had feelings for her. Sure, wasn't anything she had done per say, it just spoke to what kind of fucked up situation they must be in if he and Potter agreed on anything.
And speaking of the Pothead and his Weasel wanker, how the fuck had they somehow managed to evade blame in the whole pot smoking situation? Both from the administration and Hermione, who'd somehow convinced herself it was Draco's fault, which, brought him to number five on his list, refusing to accept responsibility and laying blame where it should go – with Weasley.
XXX
The question of what, exactly, Harry meant by 'knowing what was going on' was lost in about fifty gazillion more questions when his pocket watch turned back into Pansy Parkinson.
"What the hell, Harry, you thought this bitch could manage to keep time?" Ginny glared at the Slytherin girl.
Pansy ignored her, looking around the room in confusion, "What happened?"
"Harry, in all his brilliance," Blaise explained, "Decided it best to transfigure you into a pocket watch."
"What kind?" she asked.
"Parkinson, are you mental?" Ginny tried to process what possible reason the girl would ask.
"Was it gold?" Pansy asked, keeping her eyes on Harry, who blushed.
"It was gold," he confirmed, "With an engraving."
"Oh, Merlin," Ron muttered, "Is this flirting to you, Parkinson?"
"She obliviated you," Harry explained, "She was going to do all of us, so we couldn't support Hermione's story and she'd be expelled."
Every eye turned to Pansy. "They've been horrid this year, both of them! Do you really want them to stay in school, making us all nauseas?"
"I realize you're no mental giant here, Pans, but you're really the only person that cares about the Malfoys marriage," Blaise pointed out.
"Harry does, why else would he rescue me from Draco?"
Ron sighed, "Bloody hell, Harry, we'll never be rid of her now."
XXX
"Tell me, Hermione, really, mother to daughter, why wouldn't you tell us something so important? I won't share with your husband if it's to do with him."
Hermione sighed. If she'd thought the puking thing would hold them off more than half an hour, she'd been underestimating. "Mum, I don't really know what to say. I just thought you wouldn't understand making a decision at such a young age."
Helen Granger paused a moment, "Hermione, you and Draco have both gone through more life experiences than anyone your age deserves to. If, by chance, something good comes of it, I won't be the one to tell you no."
"Oh," Hermione didn't know quite how to respond to such open, heartfelt support from her mother, "I appreciate that."
"Love doesn't come at any certain age. But don't expect marriage to be easy just because you're in love."
Easy. Right. That's what came to mind with her marriage.
"AND," Helen added, obviously eager to impart her marital wisdom on her daughter, "You have to remember that passion doesn't last on it's own, you have to...stoke the fires, if you will."
Sweet Merlin. "Mum, my stomach, you remember just a bit ago?"
"Hermione, are you sure you're not pregnant?"
"Mum, that's impossible."
Her mother looked amused, "I doubt that."
"Well, not impossible," Hermione blushed, "But I wasn't last month, so wouldn't it be a little early for morning sickness?"
"Oh, not at all, when I had you, I was sick to my stomach before I ever missed a period. You could be having my first grandchild, what do you think of that?"
Hermione vomited.
XXX
Draco burst through the door to find Hermione and her mother standing over a cauldron.
"This is so exciting," Helen's eyes gleamed as Hermione poured Merlin-knows-what into the pot.
"Oh good, you're here," Hermione stalked over to him and yanked a hair from his head.
"Dear, why do you need his hair?" her mother asked, "Shouldn't your blood be enough?"
"Mum, it's a magical potion, it doesn't necessarily cling to scientific fact."
"Right, right...well, it's too early for science to know if you're pregnant," her mother shrugged, "I guess it's good you have magic."
Draco blinked, "Could you repeat that?"
"Why don't I give you a moment with your husband, Hermione," Helen scurried from the room quickly.
"I could swear your mother just mentioned you were pregnant," Draco glared at his wife.
"Actually, she mentioned I could be pregnant, we'll know momentarily."
"We can't go through with the divorce if you're up the duff."
"How gentlemanly of you."
"Not really, but if you're mental if you think I'm letting you raise my son alone. I can't have a Malfoy running around, clothing elves, it's embarrassing."
Hermione glared at him, "How lovely to know you wouldn't want to divorce me because it would be embarrassing for you."
"Oh, please, it was your idea, I'm just giving you a friendly warning that I'll fight you on it if you're pregnant."
"Well, it's not as if I have to stay pregnant."
Hatred blazed through his body and he glared at her.
"What was that?" he stepped up very close to her.
"Nothing," she shook her head and backed away from him. "I didn't mean it."
"What's wrong with you?" he grabbed her arms, shaking her, "Is this really nothing to you? You want it over, obviously, but why invite me back here? What do you really want? Is this some kind of torture? Bloody fuck, Granger, you're killing me!"
"I wasn't thinking, okay! I just didn't want you locked up in the school alone with Dumbledore, waiting to get expelled, all right?"
"So it was a pity thing?" he shuddered, "Feel bad for the guy you're dumping?"
"Look, obviously this," she motioned to what had become very little space between them, "isn't going to last, but I'm sad about that, okay? Our relationship isn't nothing to me and I didn't want you staying there when you still had family!"
"Could you be more asinine about this, Granger?"
"Fine, whatever, I thought maybe it would mean something to you too, that maybe we could be friends after this..."
XXX
"You are fucking mental," Draco informed her and Hermione could feel the vague prickling in her eyes.
"Can we just get on with the potion, then," she tried to push away from him, but he kept her there, pinned to the wall.
"Why do we have to break up? Why is divorce the only thing that makes sense to you at this point?"
She couldn't believe he was even asking, as though it wasn't completely obvious how wrong they were for each other, what an unholy union it had been from the beginning. "We never wanted to be married in the first place! Just because we had sex once, does that really mean we are stuck with each other forever? That we would even make a good couple? We obviously don't even get along!"
"Don't we?" he mocked her, "I disagree."
And he kissed her. Hard and bruising, then soft and begging. His tongue slid into her mouth and heat shot straight to her stomach and lower, sending her whole body smoldering.
As arguments went, it was completely illogical.
...bloody cheater.
To Be Continued