This Chapter is namesake to the story I hope you enjoy it. Thanks to the reviews.
Once again thank you Amy for being my beta.
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Chapter Five
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TAG to Be All My Sins Remember'd Part One
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Happiness comes at a Price
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John couldn't believe it. He was going to be a father. So many emotions filled his chest it hurt.
After Teyla had dropped the bomb on him he had just snapped. What did she expect him to do? Follow his first instinct and hug and kiss her till they both were dizzy. For Pete's sake, Ronon had been with them.
And after the first burst of happiness, realization had set in. She had knowingly kept her condition from him, lying to him. She could have lost the baby without him even knowing. Ever since her people had vanished she had shut him out. He had understood and had given her space.
John rested his head against the tower, looking at the cloud covered sky. John had been able to keep the act going 'til he had left Rodney in the mess on his way back home. He had not been sure what to expect and suddenly he hadn't been able to breathe. He had needed to get away, to hide.
Everything had started to catch up on him. So he had run 'til he had been far away from the main tower. Where he had found a hidden staircase, he climbed them to a balcony where he was sure no one would find him.
So here he sat, on the outer edge on the city, trying to sort his feelings.
This should have been the happiest day of his life. Ever since he and Teyla had decided to stay together, he had pondered on how to breach the subject of having kids in the future. He wanted kids. It had been a major issue with his ex-wife.
Of course, it had crossed his mind that it might be too late for considerations. Teyla had told him it might be best to use condoms for a while and he was very aware that they hadn't used condoms or anything else the night they had agreed on as one last time.
But then he had trusted Teyla to tell him, and when she hadn't said a thing, he had thought nothing had happened; now he knew his hope had not been unfounded.
It started to rain, but John didn't move. The rain was cold, as was the wind, now beating against him. John just didn't care.
He felt betrayed and the gap that had opened between him and Teyla since her people had gone missing seemed insurmountable. Once more he hadn't been able to keep a relationship working.
He knew he should have gone with her to the infirmary to see if she was alright, if their baby was alright and talk to her right away, but instead he had took off and had left her to face her fears alone.
Ronon had been with her and had been the one to tell him that Teyla and the baby were unharmed.
John drew his knees to his chest, hugging them, trying to keep some of his body warmth. His head dropped forward to rest on his knees. He felt the cold rain run down his neck onto his back, making him shiver. He should move.
Teyla couldn't have known what he thought. He wished he had told her. She hadn't betrayed him. She probably had been scared and still was.
Giving her room had also been easier for him; as he was busy with his own wishes and thoughts. He had let Teyla down.
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XOXOXOXOXO
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Teyla grew worried. She looked out the window at the rain falling against the glass. Where had John gone? She had looked everywhere she could think of. She felt bad.
It had taken her some time to swallow what had passed, and for the past day she had preferred not to seek him out, angry with his behavior.
Luckily, he had been gone, giving her room and time to get her feelings and thoughts back under control, but she had finally realized that she had no reason to be angry with John while he had every reason to be angry with her.
She also realized that he had done a lot of that lately, given her room. He had been there, but she had preferred to keep to herself, part of it her fear of what he would think about becoming a father. She had blocked him out.
Realizing what she had done, she started thinking about their latest heated conversation.
She had seen the emotions flicker across his face. There had been so many, but the one surprising her most had been the happiness at the beginning.
For a moment he had just been happy. She hadn't expected that emotion, as she hadn't expected to see fear. She had expected the anger though, but not in the way she had gotten it.
You let me put you out in the field … she knew John good enough to have heard the fear laced in the words. You let me risk our child without telling me that had been the true meaning of his words. He wasn't angry about the fact that she was pregnant, he was angry for not being told. He wanted this child as much as she did.
What had passed next was again unexpected; in his anger he had taken her off active duty. How could he? She needed to go out to find her people. Then he had gone, just like that, returning to his duty.
It had been her behavior, she hadn't left him room to react any differently, Ronon had been with them, she could have asked him to leave so she and John could talk in private, but she had feared John's reaction. Now, she knew his reaction would have been vastly different. He still would have been angry, but he also would have been happy. She had taken that moment from them.
That was the reason she was here in his quarters waiting for him. She was the one who needed to apologize. She was sure John was berating himself for his behavior. He never was angry with anyone for long and in the end blamed himself, only this time he had done nothing wrong. He had just reacted to what she had thrown at him.
She lifted her hand to her com.
"Colonel Sheppard, please come in." She waited a moment before repeating her hail.
After a moment she heard a click.
"Teyla?"
"John," she said relieved.
"No, it's Rodney. Sheppard left his com in the mess. He should be in his quarters. He wanted to go to bed early."
There was a pause. "I was just about to bring him his com. I can tell him to call you."
"That will not be necessary, Rodney. There is no need to wake John. I will go to his quarters tomorrow morning anyway, why do you not bring it to me?"
There was another pause and she was sure that Rodney was waging his options, without a doubt knowing that she and John had fought yesterday.
"Uhm, yeah, okay. I'll be there in a few," with that the connection was cut. Teyla quickly used the secret hallway, hoping John would come home soon; she didn't want anyone else to start worrying.
The moment she stepped through the door into her quarters the door chimes sounded.
To her surprise the door behind her closed without her using the sensor. Confused, she stepped around her bed, but before she could use the sensor, once more the door opened without her doing anything but thinking about it.
"Hey, Teyla," Rodney said, stepping into the room. From the look on his face Teyla could tell he was nervous.
"Rodney," she returned his greeting, forcing her confusion away. "I am glad you have returned unharmed."
"Uhm," Rodney cocked his head. "Yeah, listen I didn't have the time before, so I wanted to say that I'm…" Rodney waved at her lower section while searching for words. "All the best for the kid," he finally blurted. "Sheppard told me. I know you fought from Ronon, but trust me, he is happy for you even if it didn't seemed like that. But he told me he is. Give him some time to swallow that …" Rodney paused again. "I mean, we are kind of surprised, at least I am. Sheppard obviously was too. I'm sure he is going to apologize as soon as he wakes tomorrow." Rodney looked as if he wanted to say more, but Teyla had heard enough, Rodney had just confirmed what Teyla had already suspected - John blamed himself for what had happened.
"Thank you, Rodney. I know that John is happy for me. That is why I wanted to talk to him. I should have said something sooner."
"Uhm," Rodney said once more. "He left the mess two hours ago."
"Thank you, Rodney, Good night."
Rodney smiled before wishing her a good night and once more congratulating her on the baby.
As soon as the door closed behind Rodney, Teyla turned and the secret door opened again without her doing anything about it.
Her hand flew to her stomach, she was carrying John's child! She quickly moved back to John's room but he hadn't returned yet. She moved to his table knowing he had hidden a life signs detector in the left drawer. She took a deep breath. Her hand was slightly shaking when she took the LSD out. For a moment nothing happened and she thought she had been wrong but then she felt warmth spread from her hand through her and the little scanner sprang to life.
She wondered if it could help her find John, but there were so many dots on it. Suddenly the picture changed and after a moment a single dot was shown far outside on the east pier. Teyla's head snapped to look outside, it was raining and storming. John's jacket hung over his chair.
She quickly gathered John's jacket as well as a blanket and then moved to her room, quickly dressing to go outside.
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XOXOXOXOXO
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Teyla's heart broke when she finally found John. He was huddled against the side of a building, his knees drawn to his chest, his head resting on his on his knees.
He was soaking wet.
She quickly opened the emergency blanket and threw it over him to get him out of the rain. She crouched under the blanket next to John, her hand travelling to his neck, his skin was ice cold.
"John?"
It took a moment before he reacted, but then he stirred, his head moving to her voice. He blinked at her in confusion.
"We have to get you inside."
"Cold," he answered through chattering teeth.
"I know John, come on," she pulled at his arm, but he didn't budge.
"I lost you."
"Do not be foolish," Teyla stated firm.
"I pushed you away. I just walked away, like I always do. You're probably wondering right now what to do."
Teyla tightened her grip on his neck. "John, I am here with you."
John shook his head. "Nah, you're just in my head."
John was so wet and the water kept dripping from his hair that Teyla didn't know if he was crying or not, but she suspected he was. He was totally confused and still did not realize he was really talking to her.
"My ex-wife Nancy was pregnant, I found out accidently. I was so happy. I wrote my resignation right away. When I asked her, she told me that she had decided to not have the baby and that she had terminated the pregnancy the week before." John shuddered. "I showed her the letter and she got mad at me. She said everything was my fault, because she couldn't trust me to keep my word."
Teyla could barely hold back her tears. "John. I am really here and you did not lose me. I will carry our child and in a few months we will be parents."
Again he shook his head. "You didn't tell me, because you don't trust me and you don't want a baby. I'm no good and you finally figured out that I'm not."
There was no accusation in his voice making the statement even worse. She had betrayed John. Something others had done before. She should have seen this coming. He had told her about his family and ex-wife. She knew John and how he worked, but her own anxieties had gotten in the way. Being pregnant didn't help her being rational and John had suffered from her insecurity.
She trusted John and she loved him. He had done nothing wrong - it was all her doing and still he blamed himself.
Teyla let go of John's neck and hooked her arm under his.
"Whoa…" Teyla pulled John up forcefully, knowing she might hurt him, but she needed him to understand.
She pressed her body against his to keep him upright as she looked into his face, his eyes cleared.
"Teyla?" he asked, immediately averting his eyes to keep her out.
She lifted her hand and grabbed his chin, forcing him to look at her. She swallowed hard at the pain she found in his eyes.
"I love you, John. Nothing will change that. I too make mistakes and sometimes my own stubbornness gets in the way as does yours. I am sorry I did not tell you sooner. I was scared of the repercussions. It has nothing to do with you. You did not do anything wrong. I hope with time you will learn to trust me again."
"I trust you, Teyla," John said his voice low.
"I know, John." She looked at John - he looked awful. "I need to bring you to the infirmary."
"I want to go home."
Teyla studied John a moment. She was uncertain, but it would be hard to explain why John had been sitting in the rain. He trusted her and she knew Dr Keller would make wrong assumptions. This was something the two needed to work out between them.
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XOXOXOXOXO
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John felt groggy; he had the headache from hell. He shivered; despite feeling the warmth around him, a deep cold had settled in his bones.
"John?" Teyla's voice penetrated the fog around him. He tried desperately to remember what had happened.
He remembered being cold, very cold. He felt tremors rolling through his body like waves.
Fuzzy images entered his brain and he didn't really know what to do with them. He felt the blankets over him move and for a moment cold air invaded the warmth around him, a warm hand settle on his bare chest and a warm body settled next to him.
He turned towards the warmth and felt Teyla's arm pulling him to her.
"You're mad at me," he mumbled sleepily. "I left you."
"No, I am not mad at you and you did not leave me," Teyla's voice was so firm and full of love he couldn't help believe her.
"Sorry, I was an idiot."
He heard Teyla sigh. "You were not."
"I love you."
"I love you too, John."
"I'm going to be a Dad."
"Yes you are."
"Thank you."
"Sleep John, you will feel better tomorrow."
Teyla was relieved when John snuggled deeper in her embrace. She was slightly worried that even after two hours, he still felt cold. But this was what they both needed, holding each other.
She would have to apologize again when he was coherent enough to understand and she would have to make it up to him. He would forgive her eventually, because that was who he was. But what she needed most was him to trust her again.
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XOXOXOXOXO
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It was still early morning when John woke feeling Teyla pressed tightly against him. For a moment everything seemed fine, but then his mind was flooded with the memories of last evening and night. He groaned inwardly, he was surprised Teyla could stand still being this close to him.
He pressed his eyelids together, berating himself. He didn't deserve Teyla, he was an awful husband and he would be failure as a father.
He felt Teyla shift and quickly relaxed his features hoping he could feign sleep. He was so embarrassed and angry about the whole situation.
Teyla's hand settled on his chest.
"I do not know why you would say that," Teyla's voice said and John flinched when he realized he had spoken his thoughts out loud. His eyes snapped opened and he looked in Teyla's worried face. "I would be honored to have you as my husband and you are going to be a wonderful father."
He opened his mouth to protest, but Teyla was faster and the hand that had been resting on his chest was suddenly covering his mouth.
"If I hear the word sorry just one time from your mouth today, I promise that we will continue this discussion in the gym until you realize that it is I who made the mistake."
John raised an eyebrow in confusion.
"It was my decision to talk to you in the middle of the hall. I did not leave you enough space. I am sorry."
John blushed and closed his eyes at being reminded of his behavior. Not enough that he had been a jerk yesterday and then lost it, nooo, he couldn't even keep himself in check this morning.
Okay, Teyla had not told him a very important part and he was hurt that she hadn't, but again he understood. He too had pondered for quite some time how to tell her he wanted kids.
He huffed his annoyance against Teyla's hand, angry with himself again.
"I am so sorry," Teyla said her voice breaking. "I do understand that you will need time to forgive me, but I hope that you will be able to trust me again."
The catch in Teyla's voice brought him up short. How could she think he would not trust her anymore? Then he remembered that in his foggy state of mind he had spilled his guts and told Teyla what Nancy had done.
John groaned.
Teyla moved away, but John caught her hand and then pulled her back to him, trying to ignore the effect Teyla's naked skin had against his. He would have to thank her for not bringing him to the infirmary.
"Teyla, I meant it last night when I said I trust you. I will not lie and tell you that I'm not still angry that you didn't tell me sooner, but mostly I'm angry with myself." He took a deep breath. "I realized that something was bothering you, but instead of talking to you I decided to just let you be. I took the easy way out."
Teyla shook her head, burying it in John's chest as she let her tears fall. John shifted, pulling her fully into his embrace.
"I love you and I couldn't be happier for you being pregnant with our first child," he whispered in her ear, making her sob even harder, but now the sobs were mingled with happy laughter.
After a while Teyla looked into John's face; the happiness she felt was clearly in John's face too, as well as the wonder and love. They would have to talk about everything some more, but for now they would celebrate the creation of their first child.
Their lips met for a first kiss, promising forgiveness and the continuation of their love and relationship, more kisses followed accompanied by loving words and touches, washing away the pain and hurt from the past days. Soon both were locked in the most intimate embrace writhing against each other in their effort to bring the most pleasure to their partner.
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John watched the rays of early morning light dance across the ceiling; Teyla sleeping contently in his arms. They both had made mistakes, but they were willing to work them out. John knew he had come a long way and still had a way to go. If he had told Teyla months ago that he would like to have kids, they would have been able to keep a lot of hurt and misunderstandings away.
John's thoughts came to Nancy. In a particularly nasty argument she had yelled at him that happiness came with a price and if he wasn't willing to pay it. It was his problem. The truth was she had wanted him to pay the price solely; giving up his life and career to be the person she wanted him to be.
His gaze fell on Teyla's head. She wanted him the way he was and she was willing to lead a secret life to be with him. She was paying a high price for being happy with him.
He took a deep breath. He never wanted to feel like he had the past days, if that meant he would have to learn to address his feelings and wishes sooner, he would gladly do that. It was his price for happiness and he was more than willing to pay it for Teyla and their unborn child.
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Would like to know what you think. So please leave me a review.
I wish everyone a Happy Valentine as a little surprise here are some spoilers of whats coming your way in the rest of the story:
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Chapter 6
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Finding a New Way together
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"Good, because I'm planning on not leaving this bed today," he said pulling her close again to once more show her just how happy he was.
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"I love you, John and even though we never married like I have seen in your movies, it is how I feel about you."
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Chapter 7
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Another Day, Another Secret
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"You're married and expecting a baby?"
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"There is never a good time for certain things."
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"John, we could do this another time,"
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"Things happen. Listen, we don't have much time. The doc said to get her when you woke and also that they were shipping you back to Peterson as soon as you were awake."
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Chapter 8
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The worth of a Life together
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When his heart stopped for the second time, Jennifer Keller decided that it had been a mistake to give in to his plea, and even though he had rescued them, it hadn't been worth it.
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She wouldn't give up. She just couldn't. She counted the compressions Marie was beating against John's chest after a short pause of waiting to see if his heart continued to beat on its own.
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Rodney was happy in his lab and Ronon could join Lorne's team for the time being.
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Teyla and Torren were healthy and didn't seem to be suffering any repercussions of their time being in Michael's grasp.
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Chapter 9
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The Biggest Secret of them All
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He had already thanked John exuberantly for saving Earth, hell he had gotten promoted and awarded for that. So John hoped it had nothing to do him, but then the next words out of the President's mouth had John almost choking on his drink.