== Be Sober Gamzee all those years ago
So this is what sober feels like. IT FEELS SO MOTHERFUCKING WEIRD AND YOU LIKE IT. And then it terrifies you at the same time, it makes you feel like Vriska used to feel. NOT THAT SPIDER BITCH CAN'T DO SHIT TO YOU ANYMORE. You can't control your actions as well as you usually can but you really don't feel anything. THE ONLY THING YOU WANNA FEEL IS THE RAINBOW OF THEIR COLLECTIVE HEMOSHITSPECTRUM SURROUNDING YOU. How would it feel if you could control yourself but you never could really control yourself all that much anyway. NOT LIKE YOU SHOULD THOUGH BECAUSE IT FEELS PRETTY MOTHERFUCKING GOOD TO FEEL EVERYONE'S USELESS LIVES DRIFT AWAY TO YOUR DARK CARNIVAL. You want to feel scared but you can't really get yourself to. YOU'RE REACHING FOR SOMETHING THAT ISNT MOTHERFUCKING THERE. All you can do now is sit at the back of your mind and watch this tale unfold.
YOU LOOK FOR KARKAT. NO. YOU HUNT FOR KARKAT. THAT WEAK ASSED MOIRAIL OF YOURS COULDN'T EVEN FUCKING CALM YOU THE MOTHERFUCK DOWN, NOT LIKE HE COULD HAVE OR ANYTHING. YOU DRAG YOUR STAINED CLUBS ON THE GROUND TO MAKE AS MUCH NOISE TO SCARE HIM INTO REVEALING HIS LITTLE HIDEY HOLE. YOU KNEW HIM WELL ENOUGH AND MEMORIZED THE SOUND OF HIS BREATHING. HE'S FUCKING HIDING FROM YOU, HOW MOTHERFUCKING CUTE. HE THINKS HE CAN HIDE FROM YOU. BUT SERIOUSLY, WHO IS HE KIDDING. YOU COULDN'T EVEN ESCAPE YOU, HOW THE MOTHERFUCK DID HE EXPECT TO HIDE FROM YOU.
YOU HEAR HIM BREATHIG IN THE NEXT ROOM AND YOU KNOW WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO. THE CAT BITCH SCRATCHED THREE MARKS INTO YOUR FACE SKIN, AND AS THE PROPER MOIRAIL THAT YOU DESERVE, YOU THINK HE SHOULD BE THERE TO SHARE YOUR PAIN WITH YOU. YOU SLOWLY INCH INTO THE ROOM WITH UNEVEN STEPS, HE HUDDLES AND STRUGGLES TO MAKE HIMSELF SMALLER BUT HE MOTHERFUCKING CAN'T. THE CANDY BLOODED FUCK FACE CANT EVEN FUCKING DREAM TO MOTHERFUCKING ESCAPE FROM YOU. YOU SAY SOME THINGS THAT YOU CANT QUITE ALL UNDERSTAND BUT THEY SEEM TO WORK ON SCARING KARKAT. THIS IS PERFECT. EVERYTHING HAS GONE TO THE MOTHERFUCKING PLAN. YOU RAISE YOUR ARMS AND THEY TAKE YOUR CLUBS WITH THEM THEN YOU DROP YOUR ARMS INFRONT OF YOU WITH A LOUD METAL NOISE. You're crying for all of your dead friends, and maybe your soon to be dead moirail. YOU TASTE TEARS AND YOU WONDER WHERE THEY COME FROM. FROM YOUR MESSIAHS IS WHERE THEY SURE AS FUCK COME FROM. EVERYTHING IS A MIRACLE. AND EVERY SINGLE MOTHERFUCKING MIRACLE IS FROM YOUR MESSIAHS. YOU THANK YOUR MESSIAHS FOR THE TEARS THAT THEY SENT YOU, YOU'RE ALMOST DONE WITH THEIR MISSION. YOU FIND YOURSELF KNEELNG ON THE FLOOR JUST LIKE THE STRONG FUCKER WITH THE BOW, BUT THAT'S NOT FUCKING RIGHT IS IT.
YOU NOTICE KARKAT UNDER THE CRUMPED TABLE AND YOU REALIZE WHY YOUR THERE. BUT HE DOSEN'T. HE DOSEN'T FUCKING UNDERSTAND WHAT YOUR ALL MOTHERFUCKING BEING ABOUT. HES LOOKING AT YOUR LIPS. OH RIGHT, SOMEONE KILLED POOR MOTHERFUCKING TAVROS BEFORE YOU COULD. YOU COULDN'T HAVE HIS DEATH SO YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD AT LEAST HAVE HIS LIPS FOR THE FIRST AND LAST TIME. YOU KISSED THAT MOTHERFUCKER LIKE YOU COULD HAVE KISSED HIM BUT HE DIDN'T WANT YOU. AND NOW IT'S NOT HIS MOTHERFUCKING CHOICE. Poor tavros, POOR KARKAT. BECAUSE THAT FUCKER WAS GONNA SUFFER. YOU STOP FEELING FOR PEOPLE OR FOR YOURSLELF AND YOU LET YOURSELF FALL TO THE ICEY FLOOR. you feel a pain in your horn that you didn't feel earlier and with that, you remember your friends and how lively they all used to be. BUT NOW THEY MOTHERFUCKING CAN'T BECAUSE THEY'RE SO MOTHERFUCKING DEAD RIGHT NOW. YOU FEEL ANGRY FOR FALLING LIKE THAT AND FUCKING SLIPPING LIKE THAT. YOU ARE A MOTHERFUCKING HIGHBLOOD. YOU AREN'T WEAK LIKE THAT. AND THEN YOU LOOK UP AT KARKAT ALL MISERABLE ON THE FLOOR AND JUST PULL HIM THE FUCK UP. AS YOU GRAB HIS SHIRT HE FUCKING LOOKS UP AT YOU WITH THE SaDdest and most terrified eyes ever imaginable. all you want to do is be there for him and console him and just hold him close and apologize for everything you've done. you don't want to use words because there aren't any words that could ever describe how sorry you feel. you decide you take his face and when you do, he flinches just a bit and then you decide how to show some of your inner feelings for the last time, so you allow just a few words of calm so that you could transfer some words of blessed apology and love for your palemate. you shoosh him and his muscles relax and as he's about to say something, you kiss him with all the love you could ever muster, you even take the love that you saved for tavros and you gave it all to him. all in one moment. both of your mouths were bleeding and sore but you needed to tell him how you really felt. as he moves his lips against yours and begins to understand how you feel, you close your eyes instinctually and you lose sight of your anchor that let you control your body for so lOnG. HOW COULD YOU BE SO TRAITOROUS TO YOUR OWN MESSIAHS? THE ONES THAT HAVE BEEN WITH YOU EVEN WHEN YOUR OWN FUCKING LUSUS WASN'T? HOW COULD YOU BETRAY THE ONES THAT HAVE ALWAYS BEEN BY YOUR SIDE, THEY WERE WITH YOU SO YOU WOULD NEVER BE LONELY AGAIN. WHEN OTHER TROLLS HAD LUSII YOU HAD YOUR MESSIAHS, THEY NEVER ASKED FOR ANYTHING IN RETURN AND WHEN THEY ASK FOR ONLY ONE SMALL THING, THIS IS HOW YOU REPAY THEM? YOU PUSH HIM AWAY LIKE THE GARBAGE HE IS AND SPIT OUT THE SWILL IN YOUR MOUTH. YOU DON'T DRINK PAINT. YOU LOOK ANYWHERE BUT AT HIM IN YOUR RAGE. YOU SEE HIS SICKLES STUCK IN THE WALLS, THESE ARE THER PERFECT TOOLS FOR YOUR VENGEFUL LEADERS. THEIR HATE AND MIRTH WILL EXPLOIT AND UTILIZE YOUR HANDS TO BE THE JUDGE AND JURY. THEY WILL GUIDE YOUR HANDS TO SPREAD THE MESSAGE OF THE DARK MOTHERFUCKING CARNIVAL. IT IS YOURS AND IT IS WITHING YOUR REACH. ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS STRECH YOUR ARMS AND THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT YOU WILL DO. YOU REACH FOR THE SICKLES EVER SO SLOWLY AS YOU REGAIN CONTROL OF YOUR BODY AND BEHIND YOU, YOU SEE KARKAT TRY TO RUN AWAY FROM YOU. WOW, THAT MOTHERFUCKER THINKS THAT HE CAN JUST ALL UP AND RUN AWAY FROM YOU? HELL. MOTHERFUCKING. NO. YOU CATCH UP TO HIM AND PUT HIM IN A HEADLOCK AND YOU WHISPER THE DARKEST OF BLACK WORDS OF KISMESSITUDE. YOU gRaSp his head trying to relax it and help your old palemate but you can't really control yourself entirely as you did before, As YoU WHISPER THE BEAUTIFULEST OF INSULTS YoU croon the palest and reddest of sweet nothings into his ear. oh how you wish you could heal his pAiN. BUT PAIN HE MUST FEEL TO TRULY BELONG IN THE NEW WORLD OF YOURS. YOU LIFE A SICKLE TO HIS FACE AND PREPARE TO DO WHAT THE MESSIAHS HAVE TRAINED YOU FOR. IT IS WHAT YOU WERE MOTHERFUCKING HATCHED TO DO. YOU DRAG THE BLADE ACROSS YOUR FACE 3 LENGTHY AND EXCRUCIATING TIMES. YOU RELISH IN THE TEARS THAT HE HAS SHED AND HOW HE STRUGGLED SO HARD JUST TO ACHIEVE THE SAME MIRTHFUL OUTCOME, AND YOUR DARK CARNIVAL HAS BEEN OpEn. you try to control your mouth while the rest of you is distracted by the pain you are causing your pink partner yet again. you whisper beautiful things into his ears and tell him how much you feel for him, how pale you are foR hIm. YOUR JOB IS DONE, NOTHING IS HERE FOR YOU NOW. YOU SAVOR THE PAIN HE FEELS AND THE BETRAYAL THAT BURNS HIM TO THE VERY CORE. YOU LEAVE EVERYTHING BEHIND NEVER TO REtUrN. oh how you wish to turn around and hug him into infinity, but your body isn't yours anymore. it belongs to your messiahs that use you as a tool of destruction. you have nothing in this world now.