I have recently realized I have a Bram phobia. The reason for this is mainly because I have an aversion to things that come from the bowels of Ryan Murphy. Personally, I take pride in it. Because of my need to express said phobia via words, this chapter happened!
So how about we take a brief break from today's shitfest, shall we? :)
Chapter 3: Keep it in the Closet
"Well, if it isn't the formerly Bieber haired one." My hands found my hips as I stood in my single bitchiest stance. "I hear that you have been looking at my ex-girlfriend in a more than friendly manner, care to comment on your eyes's poor decision?"
"How did you hear..."
"I have my sources Froggy Mcpufferlips...and by that I mean all the fucking losers from the class of 2012 that still hang out around this ratchet ass high school. Who the hell does that?"
"Well, you're here so.."
"And you know why I'm here Ellen hair?"
"Um..."
"For the love of Macaulay Culkin you're dim. Let me lay it down for you. I want you to understand that I can be cordial and attempt to pretend to care that you might possibly have feelings because Britt is friends with you but I swear if you look in her direction with so much as the inkling that you even have the slightest minuscule of a chance at tapping that hot ass I will make sure you take a one way trip on the bitch town express to the Lima heights adjacent graveyard. If you forced me to have to make you take such a nightmare inducing trip, I can promise that I would make sure to be there to tie you up non-sexually, lay you in the sun on top of a fire ant hill, and force you to stare at a giant pile of chapstick that you would not be able to reach as your humongous droopy vagina mouth slowly chaps and birds build nests in it. After you have cried for your mommy like the little pube-less child that you are, I would dispose of you in a manner so ghastly that describing it in words would cause you to instantly go into cardiac arrest. Now, because I am a woman who gives people, no matter how stupid, I.E. Finn, second chances; I will let you make the smart choice right here and now and confirm that you will be stepping the FUCK off my Brittany for the rest of your pointless existence." The expression on his face said he had either shit himself or was on the brink of do so. It pleased me.
"WOW!" Tina exclaimed a few lockers away. "When you like a person you really pee on your property huh?"
"Listen Lo mein," Tina glared. "I LOVE Brittany, I don't just like her, and Brittany has a lot of interesting fetishes that I'm sure she would LOVE to tell you about but that is not one of them. Many interests that you," I directed my attention back to Sam "would have an absolute impossibly keeping up with."
"Umm..."
"Low rent chanel commercial parody Brad Pitt, Brittany has NEVER stayed faithful to a guy before. EVER. Every time she has gotten with one she ends up back in my bed and you wanna know why? One, no guy could possibly keep up with her and two, because she loves me and she DOESN'T LOVE YOU. Nor will she love you in any other way besides being like a little brother who picks their nose and flings the findings at her. So, you best step the hell off before I cutz your lips off one by one and then drive over them repeatedly with my mustang."
"Umm..."
"AND ANOTHER THING. Brittany not only likes lots of feelings which you are far too stupid to ever express, but she also truly truly doesn't like dummies. Artie and I only have one thing in common besides dating Brittany and that is that we are smart. Very smart. Stubbles knows his damn spy gear that's for sure. And what do you know? Sean Connery impressions? Lemon juice hair dying techniques? Please, she would get bored with your denseness so even if let's say she DID end up having a horny moment and ended up sticking her hand down your salvation army collection jeans…. because that's how that would go; you would be tied on to the bed and have ZERO control of the situation and then lose your hard on after five point two seconds from over excitement… I PROMISE that she would only look at you like a bootycall because she does not have respect for or care to be in a monogamous relationship with a moron. And you know what else?" He just stared at me with his huge mouth agape, "This is when you ask me what." Not too quick on the uptake was he?
"W-what?"
"This, this force that you have just experienced. This was NICE me. You actually attempt to date her and a world of torment that even Satan herself would think is harsh will crash upon you." He simply stared at me as if he had just found out I was the anti-Christ. It was the desired reaction. I then patted him on the cheek in the most patronizing fashion in recorded history. "I know you will make the right decision Evans." I took a few steps and then looked back over my shoulder. "And by the way, Mercedes says hi." As I moved away from his location I slowly dialed my bitch meter back down to level three. ...Well, I did after I hit Jacob Ben Israel with his own umbrella. He had it coming. Anyway, I strutted down the hall as one does when they are me only to be interrupted by a hand grabbing and yanking me into the janitor's closet.
"WHAT THE FU..." Another hand slapped over my mouth and a pair of lips grazed my ear.
"Well, hello there pretty lady." She then let go of my mouth and replaced her hand with her lips.
"Love it Britt. SO much nostalgia." I flicked the light switch on.
"I know right? When you wouldn't come out of your flannel closet it put a bad taste in my mouth about making out in closets but now...I love it." Her grin was massive and God had I missed it.
"We're just gonna…" I trailed off and raised my eyebrows up and down suggestively.
"Make out? Yes, just makeout Santana."
"But we used to…" More suggestive eyebrow raising happened here.
"I know, and I loved every.." She kissed my temple. "Second of it. But we were also a couple then too and you know how I feel about sleeping around without being official now."
"That brings me to something."
"What does it bring you to?" Brittany sat down on a bucket and patted on her lap for me to sit. I always loved using her as my chair. She had a way of making me feel incredibly protected when I did so. Not that I would ever admit that to anyone ever besides her of course.
"I've...It's none of my business and I want you to know that no matter what the truth is that I am not judging you or acting like I have any right to tell you what to do because I broke up with you and it's not my place at all." She nodded and stared softly into my eyes. "It's just…I hear there might be something going on between you and…."
"Who Santana? Because if this is about Unique or Joe they both turned me down when I asked them to Sadie Hawkins " I couldn't help but chuckle even though I really didn't want to laugh. She sensed my need for seriousness and control and rubbed my back soothingly as encouragement to speak.
"Sam, Brittany." She held my eyes for a while and made a face I couldn't decipher.
"And who told you that?"
"I don't think that matters…"
"We never keep secrets from each other Santana."
"That's not the poi.." She cut me off.
"Was it Jewfro? Because I don't like violence but I will hit him with my umbrella again if I have to."
"One, HOT, and two, already took care of that a few minutes ago." She gave me a confused expression. "Please just be honest with me, do you like him?"
"Everybody likes Sam. He's Sam I am. There's no reason not to like Sam." Oh, I could find a few reasons…
"You're avoiding my question Brittany."
"Santana, we're like brother and sister…" She booped my nose as if to say 'you're being silly'. "You know that."
"Maybe to you you're like brother and sister…." I mumbled.
"What does that mean?"
"Do you really not notice that he likes you?"
"Honey, I don't pay a lot of attention to him. I spend my time dancing, strategizing new diet plans for Lord Tubbington, going to motocross practice, practicing for glee and most of all, missing my super hot ex-girlfriend."
"Somebody is schmoozing the hell out of me right now."
"Why would I do that with my nose?"
"No no that's schnoz. I mean you're trying to get me out of my pants."
"But you're wearing a dress."
"It's just a saying Britt."
"Oh, well you look hot in this dress. Like super hot."
"See, dying to get me naked again."
"Why would I try to use words to get you naked when I could just use my hands?"
"Sometimes you make more sense than any other person on the planet Britt, I swear."
"You think so?"
"Honey," I gave her a peck and my voice lowered. "I know so."
"Now look at who's trying to get who naked."
"Is it working?"
"I still think hands work better."
"I would never dispute that. May I put your theory to the test?"
"It's not fair that you have your boobs in my face. It's…"
"Hard to say no?"
"Yeah."
"Then don't say no."
"We're not together anymore Santana."
"So? You wanted to make out. So…what's stopping us?"
"I can't just make out with you anymore."
"Why do you say that?" She gave me a look that said 'You know why.' After a small staring match she finally replied,
"Because if I so much as touch you right now I'm going to fuck you until you're limping." I loved when she cursed. She only did it around me and when she did I felt it in the pit of my stomach every time.
"Still failing to see the problem Britt-Britt."
"And the whole school will hear."
"And?"
"And we're not together."
"But there are feelings Brittany and isn't that the key? That's what you once told me. We want to be a couple but can't be so let's at least be together for this precious moment that we have alone."
"Why? Why can't we be a couple?"
"You know why," She simply gave me that 'I'm pretending to be clueless' expression she was so good at. "The distance babe. The distance is the problem."
"But your boobs are in my face. I can smell the Chanel you sprayed on them. You're not far away."
"You know what I mean."
"It's a cop out."
"No it's…" She cut me off.
"Be my girlfriend again Santana."
"Brittany."
"Please baby, I miss you so much and you miss me and we're in love and there's no reason for us to not be together. Just say yes. Please?"
"I…"
-In the hall-
"Human I often forget exists, why are you still hanging round the hall when you should be in class attempting to learn things your futile brain has zero chance of retaining because this school does not teach a course on chapstick applying techniques." Sam stared at her in his typically confused fashion for a few seconds before he was hit with a lightbulb moment. This lady seemingly knew me for the most part, so what better time than the present to try and attempt to possibly get some valuable info out of this tree like specimen that was currently standing in front of him?
"Ms Sylvester, Santana was on your squad for a long time right? So I'm guessing you know her pretty good? Right?"
"Go on Home Alone."
"Okay umm…What is she capable of..exactly? I mean she threatened me a little while ago and I just want to know how…if I should actually worry."
"Oh personalityless boy that girls with no taste would have a crush on because you are spineless and non threatening, you have a crush on the crayon fetishist, don't you?
"Huh?"
"Listen Male Brittany, any attempt to date female Brittany would be stupid even for you. It would be stupid even for Finn, and I saw him try to drink out of my custom made mug from France called 'The LaCup.' What is Santana capable of? If you have to ask that question you don't know what you're in for. Is she the dynamic powerful incredible sexual force that I am? No. But is she capable of making your life even more painful and hopeless? You bet your sweet sorry ass He-stripper. She was on my squad for years and I personally trained her on how to destroy peasants like yourself so if you involve yourself with poor poor dimwitted Brittany; I would pay attention to the marbles in your pants because one day you might find them mysteriously missing. Now if you will excuse me, I have people to talk to whom have reasons to exist and are capable of doing more than three average at best impressions." She adjusted her tracksuit, shoved a homely freshman into a locker, and strutted away.
"Why does everybody hate me so much?"
"Nobody hates you Sam." Tina popped up unnoticed using what all people would assume were her ninja skills. "You just have a knack for getting involved with the wrong women for you. Besides, if you had been at this school as long as I have you would know that you just don't mess with or question Brittany and Santana. It is what it is. They're a package deal. You can't split them up." Tina then smiled in her mildly irritating perky fashion. Brittany was the queen of the sad panda face and Tina was the queen of the happy panda face. I wasn't sure which one I disliked more.
"But I know she likes me Tina. I really do."
"How?'
"She flirts with me like all the time. It's nonstop."
"Sam, she flirts with everyone. She's Brittany. That's what she does."
"But it's different with me."
"How?"
"She's all touchy and smiley and sweet and…."
"Sam, she felt me up freshman year. Just out of nowhere. With zero explanation. And you know what? She doesn't even like me. In fact, I'm pretty sure she hates me."
"Wait…WHAT?"
"Yep, Rachel grabbed them too but that's a totally different story for a different time."
"Okay…" Sam ignored the Rachel story because…bleh. She was pretty much the only girl in school he had zero attraction to. Sam had never been one for needy girls and he thought she was really really needy, especially drunk. "So if she doesn't like you why would Brittany cop a feel?"
"I haven't gotten to the bottom of that one 100% but I often catch her staring at me like she wants to fry me in a wok…" Tina pondered deeply for a second. "I suspect that Brittany is one of the only women I know who can completely dislike a person and still want to have sex with them anyway. I've seen Brittany stare at Finns boobs for ages unsure of if she should be turned on or not even though she HATES him even more than she hates me. Just because she's nice to you and just because she might seem like she wouldn't mind seeing you naked doesn't mean she likes you at ALL."
"Hmm."
"Just be careful Samuel. You're dealing with something bigger than you know and we can't afford to lose anymore Glee club members…unless they are the newbie's. They all suck. I personally pray every night that that Miranda or Mindy or whatever the hell her name is with the sassy hat dies." Tina shrugged and gave him a 'I did my part' look before turning and walking down the hall only to catch up with Mike. Sam proceeded to stand there for a few seconds before he decided to head to the glee choir room. Whenever he needed advice Mr. Shue was always there for him like any mildly creepy possibly pedoy mentor would be. Maybe it was because he didn't have any life of his own but still, it was nice to know the guy cared. He felt like a second opinion; especially from an adult, could do him good.
Tina had to be exaggerating right? Sure Santana has a temper. I did date her after all, I know the woman can be fiery and often with reason unlike Quinn who just has rich white girl problems. But she's also small and skinny and a girl. How much damage could she REALLY DO anyway? And yeah Brittany likes her I guess but she also likes guys. Maybe she likes us both?
He made his way down the hall only to hear some very suspicious noises. By this point everyone had gone to class so it was just him and the hall monitor stoner Brett who was easily bribable with weed.
Where is that noise coming from?
"Why aren't you in class?"
"Oh um, hi Miss. Pillsbury I um…"
"What is going ON in there?" She pointed towards the Janitors closet.
"I don't know, I wondered the same." She put on a surgical glove and opened the door to find,
"HOLY SHIT!" I screamed.
"OH. MY. GOD." Sam spoke in a zombie like hypnotized manner.
"GIRLS?! AGAIN? You're adults now! You can't behave like this anymore. I even made you pamphlets about this!"
"OH. MY. GOD." Sam repeated in a state of complete stupor.
"Brittany please dislodge your face from her breast…and your fingers from her..."
"OH. MY. GOD."
"SHUT UP SAM!" All three women exclaimed. For his own safety Sam switched to simply mouthing 'oh my God' over and over again.
"Do you have any idea how long it takes me to sanitize an entire closet like this?"
"No, Miss Pillsbury." Brittany responded in her 'Am I gonna get in trouble?' voice. It was similar to her 'I've been a bad girl' voice but less sexy.
"Stay right here. I am going to come back and we are going to deal with this." She walked away in a prissy huff as I had come to expect from her. On the other side of the coin, Sam just stood there bright eyed. I glared at him before shutting the door again. Like any smart human, he continued standing there like the braindead oaf he was until Puck appeared beside him a few minutes later.
"Dude, what's up?" All Sam could do was point at the door so Puck opened it again to find…
"Shit, we forgot to lock it again!"
"Of course, the key is still in my boobs."
"We don't need the key to lock it Britt. Just press the knob."
"Is that what we're calling it now Santana? Knob pressing? Because I like it." She purred.
"Wanky...Wait, NO!...Well, maybe later. But no, I just mean you push on the handle and it locks. No key necessary."
"But, I needed it to get in?"
"Yeah but it…it doesn't matter Britt."
"Wow you guys are really lame these days. What happened to when you guys used to get in on in here and piss off Miss Pillsbury?"
"We just did that like two seconds ago."
"Brittany!"
"What?"
"Hot." Puck nodded and I gave him a 'fuck off' expression as a result.
"And YOU!" I pointed at Sam. "Why the FUCK did you rat us out?" Sausage lips only response was:
"Ummm…." Puck stood there grinning for a second at the whole situation while Sam progressively looked like he was slipping into a coma.
"Some things never ever change….So Sam, buddy, did you really twatswat these fine ladies?"
"Ummm…"
"OH and by the way, way to Snix her Santana."
"PUCK OUT!" I took his verbal douchebaggery as the perfect moment to slam the door shut and lock it. Puck's grin simply got doucheyer as it often was known to. He then felt it was imperative to multitask his douchery with patting Sam on the shoulder.
"Let Auntie Tana get her pussy dude. You gotta learn to not twatswat or cockblock others just because you have no game young Samuel. Read up on Bro code son. In fact…" He put his arm around Sam and led him down the hall away from our closet of lust. "I'll give you a cheap discount on tutoring. You come out and clean a few pools with me and I'll teach you not only how to have game with the MILFs, but I'll also teach you the fine art of not trying to sleep with women Santana wants to sleep with. The girls made of game dude, don't try to fuck with it. OH and by the way, Mercedes told me to give you this."
Sam opened the box whilst hearing various moans that sounded like 'Snix' and 'I love your armpits' repeating over and over in the background. What better soundtrack could one have while opening presents?
"It's a giftcard for a lifetime supply of chapstick!" Sam stated in wonderment. "I didn't even know this was possible!"
"Dude, fly your ass out to Cali with me and get that dime piece. She likes the shit out of you man and she is FINE."
"I know but…" He glanced at the closet again and heard suspicious slapping accompanied by 'Do it again! Baby, harder!' "I thought she liked me."
"Of course she does, everybody likes you. You're Sam. But you just don't have the surgically enhanced tits Lopez does. Deal with it bro. I have. Most ladies out there still wanna be all over this." He pointed to an area of his body I had ruled out junior year. "The only man that in theory that could be competition for Santana would be Finn cuz that boy needs a bra. But he's one of the only people Brittany actually hates so, none of us really has a shot with Brittany other than Santana...Or Mercedes maybe. Girl has a nice rack too. But anyway man, there's not a lot of things that are definite in the world but that Brittany and Santana are a twosome is one of them. They're hard to understand but it's best to just leave them on their super sexy planet and let them stay in their dripping wet vagina bliss without disturbing them. Most of us will never be privy to or have the chance to ever have the love that is right now; being expressed, in that closet. I saw it in a threesome once. It was a puckasaurus hardener bro." Puck then proceeded to stare off into space for a creepy amount of time obviously picturing events of the past.
"Okay…But…out of curiosity…you indicated that they've used the closet for these reasons before…" Puck did a hand motion as if to say 'go on.' "What happens when Miss. Pillsbury returns to clean or Mr. Kidney shows up when he's done with his shift?"
"Miss. Pillsbury will be completely grossed out when she finds out that they are at it again. And Mr. Kidney, Brittany regularly bribes him with vodka."
"How did you learn all this stuff Puck? I feel like I never really catch on to what is going on around here."
"Let's just say I've seen Santana's big gay closet but only one person ever really truly had entry to the area with the tightass expensive dresses. Don't feel bad. I mean sure, Brittany is better sex than you'll likely ever have but, I have my suspicions about Mercedes. That's a good woman; I always kinda wanted to have me some of that but the puckasaurus got nowhere near her. Don't throw away a good thing man. I've spent so much of my life trying to saw through chicks that I messed it up with the good ones. You've got a good one waiting. Don't get distracted by another girl that is deeply in love with the world's hottest lesbian. Besides...You'd never be able to keep up with Brittany anyway."
"What do people keep saying that?"
"You coming with me or not bro?"
He turned back to the closet. The hall was still completely desolate until the door opened to expose Brittany and myself looking very newly fucked. She adjusted my dress in a way that made my boobs even more apparent. She then proceeded to plant her face in them causing me to giggle furiously.
"BRITTANY!"
"I WANT TO MOTORYACHT THEM ALL DAY LONG."
"It's motorboat and Brittany look."
"Oh I'm looking ..." Her smile was deliciously dirty and made me feel fuzzy all over. "and a boat couldn't finish this voyage. Your tits are way too big, I need my yacht baby." I had to admit under just about any other circumstance that would have caused my razor blade print panties to drop no question but there were people watching and that displeased me.
"BRITTANY!" I pushed her away from my ample bosom and then turned her head so she could see Sam looking squeamish and Puck looking very happy with the view. I made a mental sticky note to slap both of them upside the head.
"OH hi guys." Brittany said in her typically bubbly fashion as if we hadn't all just been introduced to her extremely effective face to boob grazing technique.
"What the hell are you guys STILL doing here?" I readjusted my dress so it was only rated R.
"What were you gals doing in that closet all this time?" Puck's eyebrows went up and down at a rapid pace.
"I guess you guys are the first we can tell..." Brittany gave me a loving expression before turning back to them and exclaiming "We're back together!"
"DUDETTES! That's awesome!" Puck proceeded to enrapture us in a bear hug. Sam just stood there and looked even stupider and out of place than normal. "Way to fuck some sense into her Brittany."
"HEY!" I shoved him away. Behind me Brittany simply gave him one of her signature winks.
"Hey Sam, come here." Brittany waved him over and he awkwardly followed her directions. "Mercedes called while we were in the closet. She then bitched me out about having my eye on you. You should call her don't you think? She's hot. I would if I were you. Chocolate is delicious."
"I already offered to take him back with me to LA to see her...So what do you say?" Sam looked between Brittany and I and saw how much effort it was for the two of us to not just go at it in the middle of the hall.
Maybe Brittany is speaking the truth and maybe I should give it another chance with Mercedes. She's a strong powerful dominating woman. She's everything I like isn't she? And Brittany is a few of the things I want sometimes but she's everything Santana loves all the time. I want someone who is everything I love too. And Brittany is right, chocolate is delicious. Especially hot coco. His huge mouth formed a ludicrously large smile that took up 3/4 of his face.
"LA," He shook Pucks hand. "Here I come."
Reviews cause me oodles of happiness. They make me feel like Santana did when she found out that there's a restaurant in California is called "Snix Snax Cafe & Catering" :D