Thanks for reading, reviewing, following, and all that delicious jazz! *Loves jazz as much as Cliff Huxtable* So it took me for freaking ever but I've finally posted a new chapter! YAY! Santana and Brittany have a great relationship, but there's one little hiccup. Can either of them hold their breath long enough to make it go away?
Chapter 5: The Birds and the Bees
"Soo…Guess who I was thinking about all day at work today?" She perked an eyebrow at me in a way that let me know she knew who I was talking about but was going to play along anyway, which I appreciated. I'm a big fan of playing and that was a fact she knew very well but I intended on reminding her of anyway.
"Who?" I leaned against our bedroom doorframe.
"You."
"Oh really?" She expounded in fake surprise.
"Mmmhmm." I stepped into our room and closed the door behind me.
"And…What exactly did these thoughts entail?" She sat down on our bed and supported her laidback posture via her hands. She was casual but very much on alert. I like her when she's alert but I also like her when she has that sedated 'Take me immediately before I explode from horniness' face, but we would get to that.
"Well, you know that black pencil skirt you have?"
"The one that just barely covers my ass?" I gave her a smirk because she's cute and hot and well yeah, there are a lot of things I love about her but her ass has always been high on the list. It makes a good pillow and is useful for other fun things. If you don't get what I'm hinting at, I'm talking about sex. Oh, you picked up on that? Well, good. I like when people listen to me. Often they tune out. Not her though. She always listens.
"That would be the one. And then you had this really tight leather jacket on that had a zipper that only went up to your cleavage…Daydream you said it couldn't go any higher and then you asked me to help you get it unstuck."
"Is that so?" The pretty lady on our bed asked coyly.
"Oh, it is very much so." I nodded as if I were giving her some basic information about something non sex related like dryer lint removal or you know, Joe Hart.
"So, did you help me out?"
"It would've been impolite not to, so of course I did. I don't like to see a woman in distress – as you know."
"I do happen to be familiar with that side of you, yes." Her voice lowered. "What happened next?" Her eyebrows went up and down suggestively. Either that or she was trying to subdue an itch in the middle of her forehead without using her hands, but I like my first theory better.
"Well…I got it unstuck and started zipping it up but you stopped my hand and directed it the other direction." Even in my daydreams I don't like to be assumptious. What do you mean you don't understand? I've never heard of the word presumptuous but whatever you say. The point is that I would never assume that just because she's got her boobs in plain view or that her binding over would lead to me being able to see her baby shoot, that she wants me to touch or stick my hand in either of those things….And that's why I do so well with women. They say I have game. Which, obviously I do. I have Monopoly, Shoots and Ladders, Sorry, and Clue all sitting in a drawer in our home just waiting to be used. "It went something like this." I unzipped my own jacket and dropped it on the floor carelessly.
"I'm sure I appreciated that."
"Oh, you did. You said I was very helpful but that if I could find it in the kindness of my heart and if it wouldn't be too much trouble, that there were a few other things I could help you out with. If I had the time, of course."
"Did you happen to have the time?" I crawled on top of her and pushed her down with conviction.
"I always have time for both you and daydream you."
"Even in the middle of a busy work day at the Lima Times?"
"I could be in the middle of interviewing President Glenn Close and I'd still make time for you." The hot woman lying below me gave me a soft smile and wow she truly got prettier every day. In that moment, I swore it was something I would never get used to and I have a feeling I was right.
"Did you tell her that?"
"No, because I had more important things to tend to."
"So there ARE more important things than daydream Santana?"
"I can't believe you would ever think that, real life Santana!" I wiggled my index finger in front of her face disapprovingly, she smirked back at me. "The things that were more important had to do with her."
"And what were those things? If I may ask of course."
"They're better shown than spoken about."
"Not to take more time from your busy day but would you be able to take a moment to show me?"
"Now now," My hands slipped her dress straps off her shoulders. "I think you are worth more than just a moment of my time, don't you think?"
"I would agree."
"I love a confident woman."
"You do."
"And I love you, now don't I? Everything is starting to make sense." Her grin took over her face and I melted like fondue does in the pot when I set it on medium. However, when I set it on high it burns and I think she found my dial because all my fun places downstairs were all tingly. My mouth found hers and her dress became super friendly with our bearskin rug on the floor. I'm pretty sure her entire wardrobe has at least gotten acquainted with our floor which I think is nice, you know? It's important that everyone in the house gets to know each other well so we can all get along. I nipped at her neck which created a mark that she would have to cover up before work tomorrow, while my hand roughly grabbed her boob. I could tell because I had been with her for oodles of awesome years and because her nipples were already hard and totally ready to poke through her bra that she was in the mood for something that was…Well, Santana calls herself a 'closet freak', which I agree with her on because she's spent a lot of time doing various things in closets. And because our walk in one has flannel wallpaper which I think is kinda freaky but I don't say anything about it because sometimes I get to take her on the couch in it. So, whatever makes her happy, right? I've found that's the key to a happy marriage, that and separate toilets.
I pulled her lacey underwear down her legs with my teeth while looking her lustfully in the eyes. Being the thoughtful person she's always been, she lifted her butt to help me and then spread her legs in a way that told me to fuck her now. Or welcome home. Maybe both? Something to do with being home and sex. I like both of those things, so I was happy and a little wet and so was she. Okay, she was a lot wet.
"Britt, please, it's been a while." She wasn't lying. Sure, we used to make sweet lady babies as often as Lord Tubbington used to mount Charity before his thyroid problem kicked in making him a pillow queen and thus turning off Charity since she likes an agile energetic man when fornicating in plain view in the middle of our living room on top of the coffee table that he was no longer able to hop on top of. But at this point in our lives, we'd been so busy and had had so many responsibilities that we had very little time to get it on. And when we did, it was almost always a quickie. I like quickies but sometimes it's fun to have your face down there so long you think you might pass out or need to invest in some scuba gear. "Please, I need you so bad right now, Britt. So, so bad." Her hand was on the back of my head not so subtlety letting me know what she wanted and I was willing to give in because she's her and she's hot and even when I'm mad at her I still find her boiling hot... But I had different plans because we were NOT going to have a quickie that night. I refused. Therefore, I flipped her over and she yelped at the suddenness of it.
"You're going to get exactly what you need and more because when I was thinking about you today," I got up off the bed and she started to lifted herself up to see what I was doing. "Don't move." She obediently relaxed back on the mattress with her face in our pillows. "You were so excited to please me. Are you excited to please me baby?"
"Y-yeah." Santana gulped. She knew I was going to turn on dominant Pierce and she loved it so much she could've screamed from pleasure before I even touched her. San never really knew how to speak about or even process her feelings on me taking control but she has always admitted (which I think is sexy) that she loves it when I'm a little rough. Or a lot rough. Its never failed to make her sopping wet…which would explain the state of our sheets during this point in time.
"Santana, you're going to follow my every order this evening, aren't you?"
"Yes, Brittany."
"That's Miss. Pierce to you."
"Sorry Miss. Pierce."
"Better. Now Santana, Don't look." I took a few seconds to pull a few things out of our 'Wanky Time' box. I also grabbed a completely different kind of box out of our mini fridge as well. Santana had a thing for having a fun sized fridge in our room because she couldn't be bothered to go downstairs in the middle of the night to get food. Also, because we've always had a mutual love of whipped cream tits.
After I had gotten the items I wanted, I crawled on the bed and rubbed my hands up her ass and down her legs at a really teasingly slow pace. I made sure to appreciate every inch of incredibly smooth tan skin. She turned her head to the side but kept her eyes shut as she bit her lip in an effort not to beg. "Your self control pleases me. It makes me want to reward you. Would you like your reward?"
"Yes, please Miss. Pierce." I unexpectedly but lightly bit her right ass cheek. She yelped but remained wordless. I gave the now red area a nice long wet kiss.
"You're so hot, I think you should cool off." I put the cold item in my mouth and invaded the hottest area of her body.
"HOLY SHIT!" I pushed the ice cub further out of my mouth, which led to her body grinding into me as she got used to the drastic temperature change. I stilled her hips, sat up, and gave her a warning.
"You are to stay still while I fuck you, do you hear me?" She clinched her pillow for dear life and nodded. After letting her lay there for a few seconds, the throbbing between her legs was starting to become too much and her willpower to keep her legs separated was dwindling. "Keep them spread Santana, you have to always be ready for me, even when I'm making you wait. You need to prove to me that you can control yourself." I slapped her ass and the moan she evoked was so desperate I almost folded. Almost. "Rewards can be taken away at any time if you don't follow orders. What will you do now to inspire me to reward you again?" She groaned because she was on the brink of dying from an aching core.
"Cooperate with everything you say."
"That's right." I dug my nails into the very area I had just slapped and she hissed. "So you are going to wait patiently because things that are worthwhile are worth waiting for."
When I was sure she was going to keep her pussy nice and exposed for me, I returned to her heat and began my ice cube penetration. She panted and squirmed and moaned and squeaked almost all simultaneously as the cube went in and out of her. And after her heat had melted it, I lapped up the resulting liquid and then moved my mouth to her amazingly hard nub, which elicited one of the most delicious gasps I had ever heard. I took a few more cubes and rubbed them over her backside and legs as I licked and sucked her sensitivity. But as I expected, her hips started to betray her again so I stilled them with significantly more force than last time.
"Don't make me punish you, Santana."
"I'm so sorry Miss. Pierce. I'm trying so hard to be good. Please forgive me."
"I'm not sure you can be trusted or that I should believe that your apology is sincere." I got up and flipped her over once again so she was facing me. "See, you're looking at me again. What have I told you about keeping your eyes shut? This disappoints me and I'm afraid you're going to have to make it up to me."
"And how am I-" I slapped my hand over her mouth.
"No more talking from you." I spread her legs as far apart as possible and tied her feet to the bed posts. I caught her peaking at my handiwork and gave her an irritated expression, she shivered in response. "You don't want to be able to walk tomorrow, do you?" She gulped. "Daydream Santana had a hard time following orders as well." I cuffed her right hand to the bed. "And do you know what her disobedience made me have to do to her?" She shook her head in a trance. "Well-" I began as I removed my pinstriped pants and black silk thong. "I shoved her under my desk and then-" I moved to the other side of the bed and cuffed her left hand after I removed my bra. "I gave her a view of this." I put one foot beside her head and spread myself so she had a full view of my engorged core. "And I made her inhale my arousal." I now sat right above her face. Santana took the hint and inhaled deeply through her nose. "And just before I made her please me, my boss walked in wanting to know how my first draft on corruption at petting zoos was going. So you know what I did?" She shook her head again while panting uncontrollably. "I made her give me oral anyway." I dropped myself onto her mouth. "Don't kiss it Santana, eat it." As soon as she followed my directions I hummed in approval because she was always so fucking amazing at this. Speaking became much harder but I powered through. "Because even though she was to be punished-" I panted. "I would never let her starve." I lifted myself off of her. "You appreciate that I feed you, right?" She nodded vehemently and I returned to sitting on her face. The sitting soon turned into grinding as I pushed her to her limit before finally giving her air. "And you know my boss kept talking and talking about petting zoo infrastructure as your delicious puffy top lip was petting my clit under my desk." I only gave her a few gasps before returning to my actions until I bit my lip because I was starting to feel myself come close. "I exploded in your mouth." She moaned in approval. "And I'm gonna do it-" And I shivered in delight as the word 'again' came out of my mouth. My hips jerked wildly as my juices went in-between her amazing lips and cascaded down her chin. My grinding slowed down as I caught my breath and put my hand through my sex hair. I then lifted myself just enough to coat my fingers with what had missed her mouth and made her suck them as we both hummed in approval. "And you were unable to stifle your sounds of pleasure and guess what happened next?" I pulled my fingers out with a pop. "I was fired."
"YOU WERE FIRED?!" And it was the last voice I wanted to hear during our dirty dirty sex game.
"YOU DIDN'T LOCK THE DOOR?!" She hissed in surprise and horror.
"I DID!" I whisper shouted. "GO BACK TO YOUR ROOM HONEY!"
"BUT MOM-"
"LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER!" We both replied in unison.
-Ten minutes later-
"I can NOT believe he saw our sex."
"No Brit, he didn't just see our sex. He saw our kinky super filthy roleplay sex."
"And it was only about to get kinkier."
"Not helping."
"Sorry."
"How did he even get in if you locked the door?"
"If I remember right, he learned a certain credit card trick from his Abuelo Esteban that the old dude called and I quote 'his magic trick for the holidays'." I gave her a disapproving look.
"Britts, that IS magic in the Heights. All the wonders of the world can be unlocked with just one credit card!" I rolled my eyes at her 'I'm from the streets' logic. "Besides, don't you think you should have locked his door too?"
"Of course not! What if he had to PEE? He has bladder control issues still and you know it! Besides, this is NOT anyone's fault. It just happened and now we have to just find some way to fix it."
"Just find a way to FIX it? Brittany, it's not only that! We have to find a way PREVENT it too! I don't know about you but I still and always will want to have sex with my beautiful gorgeous sexy wife BUT, I don't want to scar our son for life in the process."
"You're overacting, I'm sure we didn't SCAR him."
"We were naked and I was tied and handcuffed to the bed while you sat above my face with your come soaked fingers in my mouth while saying in a seductively low voice that you were fired. That's some fucking confusing shit for a six year old, Britts." I put my hands over my face because even I was confused. This situation was as bewildering as that time Lord Tubbington had a pregnancy scare and we had to put him on the pill.
"Okay, Tana, I don't know what we're gonna do for the future but we have to find a fix for what just happened first. Can we agree on that?"
"Yes, yes we can. Because I will be damned if the boy goes to school today blabbing about what he just saw."
"He wouldn't do that."
"Oh really? Wouldn't you if you saw your parents doing that at six?"
"He's six and a quarter San, it's different." I could feel her eyes rolling beside me.
-The next morning at 8 am-
We had laid awake all night silently thinking but the more the gerbil in Santana's head ran on its spinny wheel thingy the more paranoid she became. By the time it was morning, she was at meltdown stage 3…which is the one just before going all Lima Heights.
"We should have talked to him more before he went back to bed." She announced as I dressed for work. And here it started. The Lopez run around. Haven't experienced it? You're in for a treat…Well, not sweets, we're out of those. I should go to the store.
"Santana, if we did we would have ONLY made it worse! What could we have said? Mom loves Mami's tits?" Santana hit me on the shoulder. "OWWW! Stop the violence!"
"This is serious! I mean what if I was right and he does go around talking about it at school? You know what? I think we should maybe keep him at home today or take him in late and explain the whole thing. What do you think?"
"The teacher in this family wants to hold back our child's education because he saw his parents do suspicious things in bed?" I raised an eyebrow, my wife sighed.
"I teach Spanish Britt, not ethics." I rolled my eyes and smirked because even when she was freaked out she was so so cute. Frustrating as hell, but cute.
"Well, what should we do then? He's too young to give 'THE TALK'…."
"Thank GOD!" Santana stared into space and shivered at the thought of giving 'THE TALK'.
"If you really want to talk to him now I say we don't make it a lecture or some big thing. And you know, just for the record, we're going to have to give him 'THE TALK' at some point down the road." She groaned unsexily. That's not a word? Well, I'll just add the definition to the Britannica dictionary. It has Brit in it, I should have those powers. What do you mean that's not true and that it's an encyclopedia, not a dictionary? You're just as difficult to talk to as Santana sometimes.
"Nope, I say we stick with the stork story forever."
"Oh yeah, I'm sure that's gonna work once he hits puberty!"
"I don't want to think of my SON doing such things, okay? His dick should only come out of his pants when he has to pee." I ignored the wanky come joke my wife had unwillingly made because she was so on edge and couldn't handle it and I'm sensitive like that.
"What about his personal hygiene? We don't want him to turn into Finn, San. I don't want the martians to be able to smell my sons balls on the moon while they are trying to enjoy a nice hunk of 80 million year old aged cheese."
"So there might be a few exceptions…but we're getting off topic." Damn it, I had hoped I had distracted her.
"Honey," I placed my hands on her shoulders and saw the stress noticeable drain from her body. "I'm sure he doesn't want to think about his parents doing naked or vaginal things either but I'm sure he is starting to think more and more about it because of what he saw, as much as none of us want to think about that."
"Let's just talk to him after school, okay?" And she changes her mind…
"Now you want to premeditate?!
"I think you mean procrastinate. And no that's not it, it's just maybe…I DON'T KNOW BRITT!" She threw her hands in the air. She knew, she just didn't want to admit that maybe I was right about waiting to talk about it until we were less manic. You caught that 'we' meant her, right? Good, I thought maybe you thought I was talking about that sound people make on amusement rides.
"We can't have him going to school talking to everyone about what his two mommies were doing last night. BUT, we also can't keep him from school just because he saw us together." I folded my arms and stared at Santana knowingly.
"FINE! If you know so much, what do YOU want to tell the kid?" I chose to ignore the attitude.
"I don't know, but I think we might be both partially right, we're just on two opposite extremes which sounds about right for us." I chuckled which she tried to reciprocate but failed at. "But like I said earlier, I don't think we should make a big hoopla out of it. We don't want him to think it was a big deal but we also want him to know that it's not the type of information that should leave this house."
"Tell that to the dressing room door you banged me up against that one time at Pedo Schuester's vest outlet emporium shop place. Because I think it's of no surprise to anyone that information about our sexual prowess is likely going to leave our house once again."
"Santana," I huffed partially because she was annoying me and secondly because the memories of our changing booth sex were hot and I knew that deep down that part of why she was bringing it up was because she was still left hanging from the night before.
"What? Don't you think it's better not to say anything than to say something wrong?"
"San, we needed some time to cool down last night so I think we were right not to say anything right away but now, after thinking over what you said earlier, I do think we do need to thoughtfully cover the matter with him in a brief collected way." Wow was our conversation going in trapezoids or what? I warned you about the Lopez run around. Luckily with a backside like that, she keeps you inspired to keep chasing. "But you're also right, we sadly don't have the answers right now. I really don't want to screw this up and if we tell him after school we will have had some more time to think about it and cool down. He couldn't have been there that long anyway, right? He couldn't have seen THAT much. It's not like he saw Kirstie Alley doing David Hasselhoff up the butt with Sex bomb playing in the background."
"Brittany?"
"Yes, honey?"
"I have a lot of… interesting interests and I'll be the first one to admit that but I'm never going to forgive you for putting that HEINOUS mental picture into my brain. Ever."
"AWWWW," I smirked and pecked her on the cheek. "You're welcome dearest."
-Four hours later at the Kool kids section of the Playground-
"So, one of my mommy's was on top of my other mommy. Have you heard of that happening before? Do you know why it happened? Because I can't figure it out." Little Carlos Pierce-Lopez pondered deeply to his usual recess possy aka Arthur.
"You have TWO MOMMIES?" Our little man shrugged. Had his friend completely missed the point?
"Yeah, I do..." He scratched his curly haired head and blinked his green eyes in confusion. "Don't you?"
"No, I have one mommy and one daddy." The other little boy responded as if to say 'duh'.
"Really? I know Debbie over there only has a daddy."
"Weird!"
"I know right? But dude, you're kinda weird too! I mean, who has both a mom AND a dad?" Carlos was totally freaked out by this whole 'Parents that aren't both the same gender thing'. Later we had a talk with him about it. "Do they ever do that weird on top of the other one red faces thing?"
"I once saw them both naked."
"That's how my mommies were TOO!"
"But my mom told me that would never happen again because my dad now has a beer gut. I don't know what that means though…."
The little guys felt like they were on to something. The mystery was slowly unraveling. All he could think of was...WHY? Why the red faces? The sweatiness? Why was light haired mommy on top of dark haired mommy? And why did we have our no-no parts exposed? He didn't get it. We always made HIM wear pajamas. He liked his Cincinnati Bengals football set very much but if he had to wear them then why did WE get to sleep naked? There was some sort of injustice here and a couple of plot holes and he was going to figure them out if it was the last thing he did. Well, he'd take his turn on the swing set first but then, back to the investigation.
-In the car waiting for school to be out-
"Stop fidgeting San!"
"I CAN'T HELP IT!"
"Obviously, waiting all day to speak to him about it really has helped our confidence in talking about this situation."
"Britt, I just don't want to fuck the boy up! I KNEW this parenting thing wasn't for me! I'm only good at doing things incorrectly! How can I be expected to do something RIGHT after years of being a full tilt screw up?" I huffed because I was starting to get freaked out too but she had seriously been texting and calling me about it all day. There was nothing either of us could do except go about our day and hope we could find the solution together when the time was right. This was our first child! We didn't have the answers so we just had to try our best! I sighed because I had to be the one to stay calm if we were ever going to fix this problem. Even after being together forever, Santana and feelings often added up to be a volcanic disaster that destroyed the villages around it.
"Just think of it this way, this has to happen to parents all the time, right? So there must be a well known answer for this out there somewhere…Maybe on Giggle?"
"I think you mean Google."
"What the hell is a Google?" I scrunched my face in confusion.
"Yeah," She thought for a second. "Yeah, you're right!"
"I know, it has to be called Giggle."
"No no, not that Britts." She shook her head feverishly. "I mean about that this isn't a new problem. Why didn't I think of that? You're a GENIUS!" Because you were too busy flipping the hell out? "And people have been dealing with this for centuries, I guess. In fact, how about I call my Mom? Maybe she'll have some useful advice." I wasn't so sure about this plan and I typically liked Santana plans. Especially when they had to do with naked scavenger hunts. But at that time I really wasn't thinking about such fun activities because my entire day had been polluted with the thought that would not leave my mind which was: 'MY SON SAW ME DOMINATING MY WIFE AND SAID WIFE IS LOSING HER SHIT BECAUSE OF IT'. My vagina had never been dryer.
"Did you ever walk in on your parents?"
"Nope, my mom was single my whole childhood."
"Then are you sure it's a good idea to ask her? She wouldn't really have much experience with this then, right?" I treaded lightly because my wildly hot wife was known to be a little touchy…and not always in the fun way. Often she was touchy like a bear trap….and by bear trap I don't mean that super fun gay club downtown.
"She's old Britt. Old people know stuff. They're wise."
"No, they're senile and old fashioned. And we both know which one your mom is."
"What is THAT supposed to mean?" Her beautiful deep brown eyes cut right through me. I resorted to my trademark shrug. She then rolled her eyes in a way I had only seen about nine billion times over the course of our marriage. "You just don't like my mom and don't want to have to thank her for her sure to be good advice." Santana then flicked her luscious hair in a divaish fashion like she likes to do when she feels she's already won an argument. She's so pretty, but kind of an ass sometimes. Luckily, I like asses a lot.
"You have no proof that I feel that way. None at all. This is the USA and you can not accuse me of anything until proven guilty. It says so in the Second Amendment."
"One, you were born in the Netherlands and two, the second amendment is the right to bear arms."
"But I'm a naturalized American citizen and we're married so I have dual citizenship now AND I love the right to bear arms; especially when you wear one of those super hot tight dresses. Which amendment is the right to bear tits?" She chortled and shook her head before getting us back on subject.
"Britt, you mumble about how much you dislike my mom in your sleep."
"Ugh, I just don't think it's appropriate to inform your mother who has never been found to support our relationship about our earth-shattering sex, okay? We're adults now; we're even on the damn PTA. I'm trying to pretend to be a responsible adult here when I really just want to play with the toy I found in our Froot Loops today with our son. And she's on to that. She thinks I never grew up and treats me like a little dumb clueless child." I crossed my arms and looked out the car window despairingly. Even though I couldn't see her, I could feel the energy shift in Santana's mustang. She sighed when her hand comfortingly squeezed my shoulder.
"I think she's pretty aware that we have sex Britt...Maybe not to the degree of its earth-shatteringness, but I'm sure she assumes we have it….besides, we have a son to prove it." I couldn't help but smirk. It softened into a smile after I felt her soft hand stroke my forearm a few times before she added, "And it's adorable when you two play with the cereal box toy together."
"You think?"
"I know." She winked at me and then added a grin.
I love my wife.
-Five minutes later, still waiting for school to be out-
"What do you mean you assumed we didn't really have sex anymore? Why on earth would you think that? What do mean couples that have been together this long rarely bone? Since when did you start calling it BONING? Yeah, it does kinda freak me out a little that you call it that. I mean you're my mother. No, I don't expect you to just sit around all day cleaning the house and baking cookies. I just don't expect you to refer to it as boning. No, calling it getting dicked doesn't help either! I'm a bit too gay for that description of heterosexual intercourse thank you very much. Could we please get back to talking about Carlos? What do you mean I'm overreacting? Will people stop SAYING THAT?! This may have scarred him! What do you mean not to get my panties in a bunch? They are NOT BUNCHED! I'm just fucking concerned for my kid Mom! Sorry, I'll try not to curse. We did lock the door! He picked the lock! How? He learned that trick from your ex-husband! Don't blame me! I haven't picked a lock since junior high. No, I never taught Britt. No, she never picked the lock to my room Mom. Okay, maybe she picked the lock to our house once when we were in high school. No, I wasn't lying to you! Yes, I know I'm not too old to spank." She rolled her eyes for the nine billionth and first time and I giggled because I knew very well that she wasn't too old to spank. Santana hit me on the shoulder as if she knew what I was thinking. "MOM! Listen, you asked about my room and she never picked the lock on my door. If I didn't teach her how, how did she know how to pick locks? Because she used to have some interesting friends back in Amster-" I elbowed her as if to say 'SHUT UP!' "Anyway, Britt just knows okay? And that's so not even the point. No, she will not teach you! Ask dad if you want to know so bad. Yes, I know you wouldn't touch him with a ten foot pole anymore, I know. I really didn't need to know such detailed information about his anatomy, Mom. Again, too gay and too much your child for that info and why do you keep getting off subject? You're supposed to be filled with wisdom on things like this! You're an ABUELA! Help me out here! No, I don't think he'll believe we were doing gymnastics."
"Just hang up on the crazy, Santana!"
"That was just Britt telling me to tell you hello." I glared at San because I said no such thing and I don't like lies. Santana told me once that she just tries to be really honest with people when she thinks that they suck and I've lived by that motto ever since. Maribel sucked and I wasn't afraid to say it. I'm only afraid of one thing and that's math. "No, she hasn't changed her hair. Why would she change her hair? It looks nice. I don't care if you don't like it...What do you mean can I hold? What is more important than your daughter calling for advice? What do you mean you've got a hot date tonight? Hello? HELLO?" I gave her a 'I told you so' expression.
"Wipe that look off your face. It was a good idea with a shitty result."
"Sure baby, sure." I wrapped my arm around her shoulder and pulled her against me. "I still say you should have gone with Giggle." She groaned in exasperation for some unknown reason.
-In the first grade class room-
"Oh my parents used to do that on top of each other thing but I only saw it with clothes on the couch once...but they ended up getting a divorce." Vinny answered.
"What's a divorce?"
"It's when your parents live in different places and you have to celebrate holidays at both houses so you're never all together. I like it, I get more presents."
"Don't you miss them being together?"
"Not really, they just fought like your parents. That naked part confuses me though."
"Maybe it means they had a more intense fight?"
"Maybe so Carlos, maybe so. I say get ready for a divorce buddy." He patted our son on the back a little too roughly.
"But I don't want them to split up! I like us all together!" Vinny shrugged.
"It's not about you. It's about them. At least that's what my parents said. Wanna play four square?" Carlos nodded sadly.
-Back in the car-
"We should have gotten a babysitter and gone to a hotel or something."
"San, we can't go out every time we want to have a little...or a lot of fun. That's ridiculous! We have to take care of our relationship. It's in his best interest that we do."
"I want to believe you but I just can't right now."
"We have to look out for ourselves because doing that looks out for him and he is the most important thing in both of our lives without question." We were both silent for a second."…Even though you lost him in a toy store."
"THAT WAS TWO YEARS AGO WOMAN! And it only happened ONCE! And he was dressed in all red hanging out by the Elmo's in Toys R' Us. Anybody could have gotten confused!" I rolled my eyes and smirked. She was so fun to pick on.
"Listen, I love you and love your concern and think you are an AMAZING mother but honey, I know you hate the word but you are totally overreacting and you know it. Here's what I think should happen. We should go in there and pick up our son, get some of that awesome rainbow sherbet with sprinkles, drive him home, and then explain what happened in the least sexual way possible. That's it. We don't have the answers yet but we have to just try our best, okay?"
"Yeah…but with that being said, I still vote for the stork."
"We've raised a smart son, he's gonna know that's bullshit." We got out of the car and I interlinked our fingers on the way inside the building.
"Well, better to know bullshit then to know why your parents were moaning like that."
"Oh please, no mention of our sex, I've never had a lower libido in my life."
"Says the woman who wasn't left hanging." She chuckled like it was funny but didn't really think it was. I felt for her; I really did, because it's one of those weird times when you know your priorities should be somewhere else but you can't help but think about sex.
"Having to cross your legs to relieve the built up tension, honey?"
"Shut up." I gave her a 'I'll make it up to you' smirk which made her cute chipmunk cheeks burn.
"So you're up for having a talk with him then?"
"Even though I'm still scared, I trust us to handle it adequately together." I gave her a peck on the cheek before we arrived outside his classroom.
-Back at the house-
"Why are you crying little buddy?" I asked concerned. Santana gave me a face as if to say 'BECAUSE WE SCARRED HIM FOREVER! HOTEL NEXT TIME! HOTEL!'
"I just want to celebrate holidays with both of you." He blew his nose in one of the lotion Kleenex's Santana insisted we spend the extra money on. Both Santana and I had giant what the fuck expressions planted on our faces as a result of his statement.
"When they come around next time we will." I informed. "But why do you think we won't celebrate the holidays together? We always do and we're always gonna." Santana had already bought him one of those big hot wheels deals she had always wanted as a kid. She even had ten inch chrome rims made custom for it.
"Because you were fighting!?" Our WTF expressions became even bigger. Santana and I rarely had big fights and if we did, we ALWAYS kept them away from him. What on EARTH was he talking about?
"When?" I questioned cautiously.
"Last night."
"WHAT?!" I spit out.
"Britt, can I see you in our bedroom for a minute?"
"But San, he thinks..."
"BRITTANY!" She started sharply. "BEDROOM! PLEASE! NOW!"
After locking the door and putting a door stop behind it…and a chair for extra measure, Santana jumped up and down enthusiastically like a crazy person. I was starting to think the stress of us getting caught had gone to her head.
"Umm….Are you okay?"
"YOU DON'T SEE IT?! This is TOTALLY our out! OUR OUT I TELL YOU!" She proceeded to do an air fist pump that resembled the one Tom Cruise did on Oprah's couch when he was talking about how big of a dime piece he thought Katie Holmes was.
"What do you mean?"
"How are you so smart yet missing this?" I folded my arms and tapped my foot as if to say 'Explain it'. She took the hint.
"He thinks we were fighting...Soooo, let's just LET him think we were but that we quickly made up after that because we LOVE each other and ALWAYS WILL! PROBLEM SOLVED BRITTANY! Our problem is FUCKING SOLVED!" Santana was always one for mathematical black and blue answers. Wait…That's the title of an NSYNC CD, isn't it? Ugh, I had such a crush on both Justin and Britney and couldn't decide which one I was more jealous of growing up. I wrote about it on my twitter the other day with the hashtag #bisexualproblems.
"I don't feel good about lying to our son, Santana."
"And I don't feel good about him knowing I like your pussy in my mouth!" I rolled my eyes exaggeratedly. "Come on, it's the only non shit choice we have." And I sighed like Lord Tubbington after he finally gets the energy to take the long journey to his food bowl only to find out it's empty.
"FINE! But if he turns out to be completely untrusting of everything we say...It's ALL your fault! In fact, I blame you for everything from now on!"
"That's fine...as long as you...punish me." Lewd Snix eyebrow raising ensued here.
"Honey, still no libido, none at all." Seriously, I had never felt so turned off in my life. I mean I even tried to sleep with Santana when I had the chickenpox and she hadn't had them yet. It takes a lot for me not to want to have sex, especially when I have a woman around that is so amazing that I can't help but think about it four hundred hours a day. But somehow the great child fornication interruption of 2025 had done it. That and that Santana wouldn't stop talking about how we had destroyed our offspring forever.
"Then let's get this fixed shall we?" We walked hand in hand out to the couch. We then sat on either side of him and each grabbed one of his cute little hands.
"Honey, we would like to start off by saying that we are not getting divorced. Your mom and I love each other very very much and want to live together with you as long as possible."
"T-Then what happened?"
"Well, sometimes when parents love each other..."
By the end of the conversation Carlos seemed more like his old self and both of us felt like a huge weight had been lifted off of our shoulders. A few days later my libido came back when Santana busted out the leopard print lingerie and five inch pumps look. After locking the new deadbolt on our door, Santana was finally given her reward.
And yes, she walked very very funny the next day.
-Thirty Years Later-
"Mami?"
"Yes, son?"
"Umm...This is kinda embarrassing."
"What is it?"
"Brett caught Jessica and me...doing things."
"THINGS? What type of THINGS are we talking about?"
"Stuff a boy his age shouldn't see."
"Oh come on! You two should be more careful!"
"I know, I know! And Jess has been yelling at me all day for not locking his door." Fashionably gray haired me glared at my still black haired courtesy of hair dye hypocritical wife. Mother the sequel Santana as she insisted on being called, gave me a 'What? What did I do NOW?' look. I rolled my eyes at her grabbed the phone from her and put it on speaker.
"She's right." Santana replied, I glared more.
"It doesn't matter, the damage has been done. I called to ask if you or Mom knew how to fix this."
"Why do you think we could fix it?" My aged like wine companion questioned.
"Because you're old, old people are supposed to know stuff."
"Well, you can tell which vagina he came from." I commented only to be hit on the shoulder by my sexy lady friend of fifty years. "OWW! OSTEOPOROSIS SANTANA! OSTEOPOROSIS!" She simply scowled at me in the least committed way possible in response. "I'm not sure we can be of much help to you, I'm sorry honey."
"Wait wait!" San interjected as I rubbed my shoulder. "I have just the thing to fix this."
"Oh thank GOD!"
"Umm...Tana?"
"Not now Britts." I groaned because...you'll see.
"I knew you two wouldn't let me down!"
"Of course not, that's what parents are for. That and bailing you out of jail."
"That was ONE TIME!"
"See, he could have come from your vagina too miss breaks into my house at seventeen." Santana grinned at her own comment, proud of herself.
"Mom's, I'm on a time crunch here, so if you could just tell me..."
"Fine fine," My wife started. "Was one of you on top of the other?"
"Must you know that?"
"YES!"
"Okay, yeah. That was the situation."
"Okay then, just tell him you two were fighting."
"That's actually not a bad idea! Thanks Mami for the advi...HEY! WAIT A MINUTE?!"
*Still believes I was brought by the stork, looks up info on the stork on Giggle* Yay! Finally a Brittany POV. And yes finally fornication happened after a two chapter dry spell. Sure it may have ruined poor Carlos' little life but you know, you can't win 'em all! *giggles* Anyway, I appreciate reviews for the same reasons Carlos appreciates getting opinions from his buddies. Because they inspire him to figure out the next piece of the puzzle or in this case…chapter. :D
I'd also like to apologize to Nsync and Backstreet stans for that joke. I know it was HIGHLY offensive and early teens me would want to punch me in the face for jokingly confusing the two. XD