Chapter 3
"Thanks, Mrs. Dean!" I said, pocketing the five dollar bill she handed me. I had been doing odd jobs at Mrs. Dean's house for the past month so I could save to buy a dress for the school dance.
Mrs. Dean smiled at me warmly, "Oh deary, you help me so much, it's no trouble," she put her hand on my shoulder, "now please tell me after all this time you have enough to buy that beautiful dress for yer little dance?"
I thought about it. I had at least twenty bucks in my old cigar tin in my room at home, if not a little more. And maybe Daryl would spot me the rest. "I think I might have it!" I said, excited. Mrs. Dean was our neighbor and she was always so sweet to me. She knew it was hard for me growing up surrounded by men, especially my father. She was kind of like the grandma I didn't have.
As a thirteen year old girl, I wasn't like most of the girls in my class. I didn't have nice things, I never went to the mall, I never got invited to any of their birthday parties. More often than not, I was forced to wear the same two outfits to school, always covering up the bruises. But this dance would be different. I knew when I saw the pretty just above knee length blue dress at the thrift shop it would be just perfect. Even though I was an awkward thirteen year old, all small and skinny, for once I wanted to feel like I was one of those girls. A girl that fit in. I didn't tell anyone I felt this way, I'm sure my dad would beat it out of me and Merle would laugh himself silly. But I think Mrs. Dean just knew.
"Now you come over on Friday and I'll braid yer hair special for the dance! That long blonde hair will look beautiful in braids." Mrs. Dean said, brushing my hair away from my face.
I laughed nervously. Mrs. Dean didn't know my hair was so damn long because I couldn't afford to get it cut. I had Daryl trim the ends every now and then because he was the most patient with me, but to be honest he never did a good job. "Well Mrs. Dean, I better get goin'. Gotta get to the thrift store before my dress is gone!"
"Ok, sweetie. You best come over later and show me, cuz I wanna see how grown up you look!" Mrs. Dean said excitedly.
I hurried home, anxious to count my money and get to the store. When I opened the door, Merle was passed out on the couch, surrounded by bottles. No one else was home. I tiptoed to my room so I wouldn't wake him. As soon as I opened the door, I could tell something wasn't right. My dresser drawers were all opened and one was even pulled out onto the floor. My clothes were strewn about the room haphazardly. My heart sunk when I saw my money tin, opened and on the floor.
I slowly walked over to it and sunk to my knees. All the money was gone. There were just a couple pennies left, on the floor next to the tin. I felt the tears welling up in my eyes, but then I put the pieces together. Merle. Clearly he stole my hard-earned money to get his booze. I felt sick. I picked up the tin and stood up. I stared at my bedroom door and all of the sudden I saw red. I threw the tin onto the ground and stormed out of the room.
"Get up, Merle!" I shouted at him, shoving his shoulder.
Merle grumbled, but eventually sat up. "What the fuck do you want now?" He spat at me.
I pointed towards my room, "You took my money, don't even deny it, I fuckin' know it was you."
Merle grunted and put his hands over his eyes. "I ain't got time for yer whinin', go cry to Daryl, I don't wanna listen to it." He stood and shakily walked towards the kitchen.
"I needed that money, Merle!" I shouted at him.
Merle turned around again and I could see the anger building in his eyes. "What the hell did you need anyways, short stuff?"
I huffed. "I was gonna buy a dress for the dance. Everybody's goin'…" I trailed off, suddenly embarrassed that I told Merle. I could feel tears of frustration rolling down my cheeks.
Merle scoffed in disgust, "Quit yet cryin', dammit. Look at you blubberin' over a goddamn dress. Just stop." Believe me, I wanted to. But when someone tells you to stop crying, it's almost impossible to actually stop. The tears were coming on heavier now. Merle took a threatening step towards me. "I swear Lily if you don't stop that shit I'm gonna lose it."
I was a sniffling mess. "C-can't you just pay me b-back?" I mumbled, still trying to put away my tears.
Merle stormed towards me and I flinched away. I wasn't fast enough though. He grabbed my upper arm and started dragging me towards my room. "You gotta be fuckin' kidding me, you little brat." He spat as he walked. I couldn't even get my footing he was walking so fast, just dragging me behind him, blubbering all the way.
By the time Merle forcefully threw me into my room I was sobbing. "Stop it!" Merle said, getting in my face. I just couldn't get a hold of myself, it was like all of my hopes for this dance were gone. Plus, Merle was fucking terrifying when he was mad. I was scared. Suddenly, Merle lashed out and slapped me. I was shocked into silence and I grabbed my face, staring at him in shock. "That's it, Lily!" Merle screamed at me, "stop bein' a fuckin' baby. It's a stupid dance, not the end of the world." He glared at me and started walking out of the room. Before he slammed my door, he said, "Yer never gonna be like them other kids anyways, yer a Dixon, dirt just like the rest of us."
As soon as he left, I crawled into the corner of my room. I grabbed one of my ratty sweatshirts that was thrown on the floor and pressed it to my face so I could cry without Merle hearing me. After that, I stopped trying to fit in.
"Hey, watch it." Glenn said, throwing his arm out to stop me. I looked down and saw a mangled body I was about to trip over. I glanced at him, embarrassed that I wasn't totally paying attention. We were combing through the aisles in a pharmacy, grabbing anything useful. I had a bag on my shoulders that was slowly filling up, weighing me down. But it felt great to get the stuff I needed. I managed to find some first aid materials that I always seemed to need and some other girl stuff that I kept to myself.
"You finished?" I heard Glenn shout from across the store. "We gotta meet the others."
"Yeah, ain't nothin' left worth takin' here." I said, walking to meet him at the back door. We had split off into smaller groups to hit different stores. We were all going to meet back at the huge department store around the corner. Glenn had found a secret entrance that was secluded enough that no walkers had managed to get in. According to Glenn, that store had always been a goldmine on his prior trips.
I pulled out my knife and tucked my gun into the waistband of my jeans so it would be easily accessible, then nodded at Glenn. He pushed the door open and off we went with Glenn leading the way. The guy was like the fucking rain man of mapping out routes. We barely encountered any walkers, weaving in and out of alleyways all the way to the department store. When we made it into the entranceway, I was panting, out of breath from running after Glenn with my bag. I threw my bag on the ground and put my hands on my knees to catch my breath. "Everybody here?" I heard Glenn ask.
"Everybody except Dixon." Morales said. I looked up and he added, "The other Dixon."
"Where did he go?" Glenn asked me, like I would know what the fuck Merle was up to.
I shrugged, "How the hell am I 'sposed to know? I was with you." Merle had insisted on going off on his own to do whatever he came to Atlanta to do. I suspected it had something to do with drugs, but I wasn't about to tell the group he was probably trying to get his next score.
The black guy T-Dog just scoffed. "Shut the damn door. Dixon knows he's supposed to be here." I glared at him, rolling my eyes. Glenn shut the door with a loud clang and threw the deadbolt. I stared at the door, my stomach in knots. Shit, Merle.
While I was distracted staring at the door, everyone else started showing off their loots. T-Dog and Jacque had found a stash of hunting knives and a few boxes of bullets in an army surplus store. Morales and Andrea were snickering at the six pack of beer and bottle of wine they had found. Clearly none of them were worried about my brother.
We all stopped dead when we heard the gunshots. "What the fuck!" I shouted, running towards the door, immediately thinking it was Merle. T-Dog threw his arm out, blocking my way.
"Don't open it! We don' know who the fuck that is, girl!" I shoved him away angrily.
"That's my fuckin' brother out there you asshole!" We all jumped at the sound of banging on the door.
"Let me in, jerkoffs!" Came Merle's muffled voice from outside. I quickly unlocked the door and threw it open. Merle slipped in and I slammed it shut, instantly breathing a small sigh of relief.
"What are you doing firing your gun like that?" Andrea practically shouted at Merle.
"That shit wasn't me, blondie! There's walkers swarmin' in front of the store, some idiot's gonna be lunch for these fuckers." He laughed breathlessly. "I'm goin' up to the roof to watch the show." Merle ran towards the stairs leading to the roof and I looked away from the rest of the group, embarrassed at Merle's callousness.
We all stared at each other, still listening to the gunshots, before Glenn broke the silence. "I'm goin' out there."
"That's crazy, whoever that is out there is as good as dead. No sense riskin' your life, honey." Jacque pled with Glenn.
Glenn shook his head, a determined look on his face. "Keep the radio ready, I'll signal when I'm close. Everyone just stay here." We all nodded and reluctantly watch Glenn go. I was ashamed to admit I felt nervous to see him venture out into the unknown. Not because I cared about him or anything… cuz I didn't.
…
We all sat, slumped in the little entranceway sweating our asses off, wondering if Glenn would ever come back. If he didn't, I wasn't sure how the hell we were gonna make it outta the city, especially with all those walkers fuckin roaming around. The gunshots had stopped, and now it was eerily silent. I jumped a mile when the radio blared to life.
"I'm back… got a guest, plus four geeks in the alley." Came the sound of Glenn's harried voice. Morales and T-Dog jumped into action, grabbing bats and shovels to take care of the walkers. I paced the room, practically vibrating with the tension of the situation. A couple seconds later, T-Dog, Morales and Glenn ran in the door with a new guy in tow. He was dressed in a police uniform, lookin' like he just came from hell and back.
Suddenly, Andrea got in his face, her gun pointed at his face. "You son of a bitch, I outta kill you!"
Morales stepped beside her, putting his arms up. "Just calm down, Andrea!" He pleaded with her.
Andrea scoffed, not backing down, and the policeman backed up. "We're dead because of this stupid asshole!" I rolled my eyes, dramatic much?
Morales threw his shovel to the ground in frustration. "Andrea, I said back the hell off!" When Andrea didn't moved he added, "or shoot," clearly calling her bluff when she finally put the gun down and backed up.
I could faintly hear the ragged moans of hundreds of walkers milling about outside, and I began to wonder how the hell we would ever get out of this fuckin' store. "We're dead. All of us… because of you." Andrea said, pathetically. That bitch needed to grow a pair.
The policeman had a glazed over look on his face. "I don't understand."
Morales pulled the cop down the narrow hallway and we all trailed behind. When we came to the front of the store, I heard the tail end of what he was saying, "…the key to scavenging is sneaking around."
We came up on the front of the store, and through the racks of clothes, I saw total mayhem going on outside. The walkers were pushing against the chained front doors, their weight putting stress on the glass.
T-Dog pointed at the mass of walkers. "Every geek for miles heard you poppin' off them rounds."
The others continued to bicker and I grew tired of the noise. I wandered a little further back into the store, searching through the racks of clothes for anything I thought I would need. As long as we were here, I would make the most of it. I wasn't dead yet. I spotted a few heavy looking sweatshirts that would be great for winter, and even scored some flannel shirts that looked like they would fit Daryl. I stuffed my finds in my bag and continued searching.
My head shot up at the sound of more gunshots, clearly coming from the roof. Merle was a fuckin' idiot.
Andrea spoke what we were all thinking. "Oh, god, was that Dixon?" We all rushed up several flights of stairs to get to the roof. Morales pushed the door open and we all burst through, squinting in the sunlight. I saw Merle, perched like a sniper on the corner of the roof, firing shots into the crowd of walkers below with his rifle.
"Hey, Dixon! Are you crazy?" Morales shouted.
Merle finally stopped shooting and turned towards us. "Hey, hey, hey! You outta be more polite to a man with a gun! Only common sense!" Merle said, laughing. I could tell by the way he was acting he had recently taken something. He was definitely high.
T-Dog rounded the corner, approaching Merle. "Man, you wastin' bullets we ain't even got! You gonna bring 'em all down here on our ass, just chill!" He said, wildly gesturing in frustration.
Merle snickered. "Hey, it's bad enough I got this taco bender on my ass all day," he said, pointing at Morales. "Now I'm gonna take orders from you? I don't think so bro, that'll be the day." I could tell he was getting fired up. I walked closer towards Merle, knowing I was going to have to say something.
T-Dog raised his eyebrows, catching Merle's drift. "That'll be the day? You got somethin' you wanna tell me?" I wished I could just tell everyone to stop, to just back off. I knew better than anyone how to deal with Merle when he got like this and this wasn't the way.
I finally spoke up, "Hey! Quit it!" I shouted. I could tell Glenn and the cop heard me, but T-Dog and Merle just kept going at each other.
Before I knew it, Merle decked T-Dog and the cop immediately stepped in, only to be viciously punched by Merle. He fell to the side, and I ran over to Merle. He was kicking T-Dog and I shoved him away, trying to put some distance between him and the others.
I got close to Merle, speaking quietly. "Dude, calm down! We need to get out of here –"
Merle cut me off, pushing me to the side, "Stay out of this, I gotta teach this boy a lesson."
"Merle!" I said, grabbing his arm. Suddenly he spinned back towards me and slapped me. The force of the hit rocked me to the side and I fell to the ground, throwing my hands out to catch my fall. I had never been slapped so hard by Merle. I was shocked. I struggled to get back to my feet, but then I felt Merle's boot connect with my stomach. The blow flipped me onto my back and I gasped in pain. I could feel the gravel biting into the backs of my shoulders. Merle wasn't done.
He was on me again, kicking at me. I curled up, trying to protect myself from the blows. "You never fuckin' do what I tell you to, you little brat!" He spat at me, still kicking at me. When he finally stopped, I looked up at him from the ground, gasping and I swear to god he looked just like our old man. I looked away, putting my face into the ground so I didn't have to look at him. "Just stay down, bitch!" Merle shouted at me, giving me one last kick for good measure. I screamed out at the pain.
I rolled over to watch Merle, coming to the realization that I couldn't control him like I thought I could. Andrea and Jacque were crowded around T-Dog, sobbing at Merle's acts of violence.
Merle strutted towards them. "Yeeahh! Alright! We're gonna have ourselves a little pow wow, huh! Talk about who's in charge! I vote me! Anybody else? Huh? Democracy time y'all! Show of hands… all in favor? Come on, let's see 'em!" I could hear the cop struggling to his feet behind me, but Merle didn't seem to notice.
When no one responded, Merle just said, "Yeah, that's good! That means I'm the boss, right? Anybody else? Hmm? Anybody?"
The cop was walking towards Merle now, rifle raised. "Yeah." He shouted, slamming the butt of the rifle into Merle's face. Merle fell to the ground, and as soon as I saw the cop had control, I sat up, crawling over to the side, clutching my stomach in pain.
"Who the hell are you, man?" Merle shouted at the cop as he brought him to the ground, handcuffing him to a pipe.
The cop emptied the gun he had taken from Merle and got in his face. "Officer friendly. Look here, Merle. Things are different now… there are no 'niggers'. No dumb ass shit inbred white trash fools either. Only dark meat and white meat. It's us… and the dead. We survive this by pulling together, not apart."
Merle belligerently replied, "Screw you, man…" After that, I tuned everyone out, looking away from the embarrassing scene. I could feel several pairs of eyes on me, but I ignored them.
I finally looked over when I heard the cop say what I was dreading. "You got some on yer nose there." He had a small tube of white powder in his hand and everyone looked disgusted as he threw it over the side of the building.
"Hey! What're you doin' man, that's my stuff! If I get loose, you better pray! You hear me? You hear me, you pig!" Merle was shouting, totally unhinged.
"Yeah, your voice carries…" I heard the cop say as he walked by me.
I stared at Merle across from me, realizing how fucked up this situation was. Merle seemed to feel my eyes on him because he turned to me and said, "Hey Lily Bird, how 'bout you get those keys for yer good 'ol brother Merle, huh?"
I could still feel my cheek burning from his slap, not to mention the intense pain radiating out from my stomach and sides. I stared Merle down, totally disgusted with him. "Hey, girly!" He shouted at me. "Listen here, you don't help me get out of here and you'll get a lot worse than a couple bruises, ya hear?"
As I stared at him, it was like the Merle I used to know was gone, replaced with a carbon copy of my dead father. I still remember my father yelling at me, you fuckin' brat! as he whipped me with his belt. I stared at Merle, willing myself to feel something for him, but all I saw was my father, kicking me, hitting me, spewing hatred. Just like Merle.
I stared at Merle blankly. I could tell he was still screaming at me, but none of what he was saying was registering. I was still stuck in the memories of my father, when a pair of legs stepped into my view. I slowly looked up and the cop was standing there. He held out his hand. "You don't gotta listen to that." He said.
I just looked at him for a second before I tentatively reached out and took his hand, allowing him to pull me to my feet. I swayed a little bit, trying to get my balance back and he held onto my arm to steady me. "I'm Rick Grimes," he said, wiping the gravel off my back.
I looked back at him, trying to gauge his motives. He looked totally sincere, which seemed almost out of place to me. "Lily Dixon," I replied. Rick just nodded and pulled me along towards the door behind the rest of the group.
Before the door swung shut, I heard one more shout from Merle, "Yer worthless, girl, ya hear? Fuckin' worthless piece of shit!" I closed my eyes and listened to the clang of the steel door, shutting Merle's voice out. The silence was deafening.
…
I watched a trail of blood slowly make its way down my leg. My knee was scraped bloody. I don't remember feeling any pain, but it probably happened when Merle slapped me and I fell to the ground. Not only did he slap me, he beat me. I felt numb.
"Honey?" I stared at the wall in front of me, lost in thought. Out of the corner of my eye I could see Rick, T-Dog and Morales chopping up a walker body, part of some plan they had to get us out of here. I had no idea what that plan was. I couldn't seem to focus on anything but what had just happened with Merle. I followed the group around obediently, but it was like I was a robot, on autopilot. "Honey!"
I snapped out of my thoughts at the sound of Jacque's voice. When I focused my eyes, I saw she was standing right in front of me, concerned expression on her face. "You alright? You look pale, sweetie."
"I'm fine." I muttered, not meeting her eyes. I couldn't let her know that I wasn't fine at all, my body ached from the beating and Merle's words made me want to cry. I couldn't break down though. I had to get through this.
I sighed when she kept talking. What I really needed was for her to get the fuck away from me. "You forget about that brother of yours, sweetheart. Focus on you now, he had his chance." After saying that, Jacque walked away to watch the massacre of the walker body, leaving me to my thoughts.
…
They were gonna die. Glenn and the new guy Rick were going to get massacred by those freaks down there and we were all gonna be screwed. I just knew it. As we watched them make their way through the streets, it was so damn hard to be positive. Especially with Merle still chained to the pipe behind me.
"Come on over here, Lily Bird. Come talk to yer brother." I tried to block out the grating sound of Merle's voice, trying to focus on watching Glenn and Rick make their way down the walker infested street. They were getting closer to their destination; a yard with some trucks. Merle had been relentlessly hounding me since we had come back up to the roof, and he was hard to ignore. So was the stinging sensation on my cheek from where he'd slapped me.
"They gettin' close." T-Dog commented, anxiously staring through the binoculars. "We got that radio ready?"
"It's ready." Andrea tensely replied, checking the volume on the tattered old radio for the thousandth time. Glenn was going to radio to us when they had the truck and were coming our way. All part of the brilliant plan.
"Please, Lily. Come 'ere, girl." I turned to Merle and couldn't help the pulling feeling in my chest, urging me to go over to him. The look on his face was so sincere. I couldn't ignore my brother anymore, no matter how mad I was at him. I walked over to him slowly, feeling cautious and knowing the rest of the group was staring at me.
"What?" I tiredly said, staring down at him.
Merle smiled at me. "Aw come on now, girly. You know I didn' mean it."
"I've heard that fuckin' story before. I'm done with this, Merle." I stared at the rusted pipe beside him instead of meting his eyes.
"Yer done with yer brother? Come on now, Lil. I'll shape up, you know that." I had heard all these things from Merle before, but every time I seemed to believe a little bit that he was telling the truth.
"You always say that! Why the fuck should I believe it this time?" I asked, really looking at him now.
Merle put his arms up. "I got no choice, right?" Before I could interrupt, he cut me off. "Listen, Lil. I know I ain't always been there for you and Daryl, but you can bet yer ass I'm gonna change. Let's shake on it." He held his hand out and I stared at it. As much as I hated to admit it, Merle was putting a good case out there once again. It was so hard not to believe him. I stuck my hand out and he shook it, pulling me down to sit next to him. I tried not to grimace at the pain I was feeling in my stomach and sides.
"I just wanna get out of here." I muttered.
"Well, let's go then, all you gotta do is get the key." He shook the handcuff on his wrist and I stared at it, putting the pieces together. He wasn't trying to make nice with me, he just wanted the fucking key.
"Merle, I don't have the key, I have no idea – " He cut me off before I could finish.
"Well you better fuckin' find it, girl!" Everyone looked over at his abrupt change in demeanor.
I stood up, knowing I needed to get away from him, and quick. "I can't, I don't even know – "
Merle kicked out at me in frustration. "Lily you better go get that key right now or I'll kick yer teeth in when we get outta here! You hear me? You hear me?" He roared, completely unhinged.
"Listen to yerself! Yer a fucking mess! As far as I'm concerned you can rot on this fuckin' roof. All this shit you put me through! I'm done!" I screamed at him, finally letting it out.
"Yer done?" Merle shouted right back. "Yer never gonna be done with me, girl! I raised you, and yer never gonna forget that, you little bitch!"
I shook my head, disgusted. "Yer right, I'll never forget, but I wish I could. You made my life hell and I'm finished." I walked away after that, blocking out his screams of anger, him swearing at me and telling me he was gonna kill me.
"Be at the loading dock in 3 minutes!" Came the voice of Glenn through the radio. We all sprang into action after that, running for the staircase so we could get to the loading dock.
"What about Merle?" I heard Andrea's voice. I ignored it, only focused on myself for the first time in my life. I was gonna live, I didn't give a fuck about Merle.
…
I leaned my head back against the wall of the truck, trying to ignore that every bump jarred my bruised sides and stomach. I was also trying to ignore the fact that Merle wasn't with us. I don't care, I don't care, I don't care. I repeated to myself, over and over and over. My brother never gave a shit about me, why the fuck did I spend all my life trying to get him to love me? Merle was a thorn in my side, a constant reminder of my father, my horrible childhood. My eyes were tearing and I willed them to disappear.
As we got closer to camp, closer to Daryl, who had no idea what had happened, my resolve to hate Merle slowly faded. I was crumbling and I knew the minute I saw Daryl and he knew what had happened, he would hate me forever. There was no going back after this. I had just walked away from my brother. What kind of fucking person was I? I could picture the look on Daryl's face when he found out what had happened and it made me want to punch myself in the face, beat the shit out of me. I deserved it. The truck jolted to a stop and my head shot up. "We made it." Jacque laughed. Everyone rejoiced in the moment except for me.
I lagged behind the rest of the group. I barely even noticed Rick running up to Lori and Carl, reuniting with his family. Good for him. I vaguely registered that the chances of what had just happened were so slim. Rick was reuniting with his family, and I had just left one of my family behind. I ignored the voices of the group, urging me to talk to them, let them help me clean up.
I didn't need their help, I just needed to get to my tent. "Where's Merle?" Shane asked, looking at me.
I turned back, one hand on our tent. "Got left behind." I muttered, disappearing into my tent and closing myself in, away from all these fucking people.
TBC
…
A/N: Is everybody liking this so far? Are the flashbacks good or bad? I'd love to hear what you're thinking!