Holy crap, I hope this doesn't suck. WHY DO I GET SO DAMN NERVOUS THESE DAYS?!

Also, this is getting really, really depressing. I think I'm gonna watch a movie full of cheesy one liners and explosions.

It had been two days. I hadn't gone to work in two days.

I was having a staring contest with a bottle of whiskey. Every time I blinked, I took a shot. I needed to sleep. I didn't want to think anymore. I had thought for two whole days. Thinking hurt.

Remembering hurt.

I didn't know why. So I thought. And thought. Then started drinking.

Why? Why did I care? Tezuka walked off? Good for her. She'd walked out on a lot of things. She walked from school, walked from her friends, and walked from me.

No.

Yes. I didn't leave. She was already gone. Maybe she was never there in the first place. I was just standing there, not wanting to believe it. I shouted at myself. Someone needed to. The screams bounced off a brick wall and rung in my ears.

I blinked. I knocked the bottle onto the carpet. Whatever. I got back in the chair. Everything was coming in snapshots, like I wasn't really there, and someone was handing them to me after the fact. I was too busy. Too busy thinking. I was good at thinking. I got good when I was in the hospital. There was no one else but me. My thoughts were better than conversation, because I had spent more time thinking on the situation than anyone else. For them, it was just this thing that would creep into their minds in between activities. Everything would go into a lull, and then there was Hisao. But something would pop up. Later, Hicchan.

What'd she know? Huh? What did she know? Oh, I'm not perky today. I'm sorry, it's just that I can die at any time. I try not to think about it, because when I do, I get excited, and then I might die. That mean anything to you? You know what it's like? You ever get worried about sneezing? Your heart stops when you sneeze, y'know. Don't tell me to quit smoking. Don't you dare. I only have so much time, who gives a damn.

All right, I'm sad. I'm pissed. I'm tired. I want my life back. I feel like I'm surrounded by broken wind-up toys, all walking around with only one leg working, stuck in eternal circles, smiles forcefully painted on their faces as they bang cymbals together like trained monkeys. The sound washes over and drowns out the screams. I'm choking on green paint being forced down my throat. It dries, it cakes, and I cough up dust. It covers my vision, and I can't see my own reflection.

But I did. I saw it holding itself up over the bathroom sink, hair a mess, eyes bloodshot, and stubble on its chin. I looked at my ring-finger. At some point I cut it. I vaguely remembered trying to shave.

Back at the table. Holding an envelope. The pieces are coming together, the picture might be there. But I still have to put it together. I spread them out over the table. A few pictures of Tezuka. A few pictures of paintings. Some notes. Time-line. Places, cafes, clubs, galleries.

Did any of it mean anything? Was there any point to this?

What was I looking for?

Could I even find it?

That was the last thing I thought before I found the bed. I had no dreams. I had run my mind empty. It was pretty pissed at me when I woke up. I stumbled over to the sink and gulped at water, then grabbed the phone and a card that the man from yesterday, Katagiri Kaji, had left me. I looked at them for a good minute, then put them both down on the counter, took a shower, dressed, and went out for breakfast. I was absolutely starving, but I felt I couldn't make anything for myself. The waitress asked if I was okay. I was puzzled, but she quickly explained that I looked very upset. I was going through a divorce, right? I went to answer, but she added that I looked more upset than I usually did. Apparently, I almost always looked troubled. I still tipped her.

I went back to my new apartment and started cleaning it. I started to pull out stuff that I hadn't unpacked yet. I opened the windows and sprayed some air freshener, trying to cover up the stench of the spilled whiskey. I shaved. I looked at Katagiri's card again, and figured I would go get a hair cut. The barber kept telling me unfunny jokes. At some point, I got real sick of it, but I still managed to be polite when I asked him to stop. He said okay, I was the customer, he just thought I looked a little blue. I always tip my barber. I'm a regular moneybags.

Walking back, I stubbed my toe on a small raised part of the sidewalk and fell almost right on my face. I spat curses at the walk, even punched it. That'll teach it. As I was getting up, I spotted a dandelion. Then another. And another and another. They were all reaching up towards the sun through cracks, and you could almost hear their strain. I got up and kicked one in half, then headed back home.

I ended up sitting at my kitchen table, not thinking much about anything. After maybe twenty minutes, I grabbed up the phone and started pouring through my old classmates' profiles on various social sites. I found who I was looking for, and called her up. She picked up in the middle of a kid screaming in the background, asking them to be quiet, that mommy was on the phone, she would be right back. Then, sounding tired, Ibarazaki said, "Hello?"

"Emi? It's Nakai."

"Na... Hisao! Oh my God, how are you?!"

I chuckled. She was the same as always, it seemed. "Fine, fine, how are you?"

"What?! That's it? 'Fine?' Come on, Hisao, we haven't talked in years, there's got to be a big reason!"

"Heh, there is, but I think we should warm up a bit before throwing it all out there."

She huffed, but it didn't sound too serious. "Well, I'm great! Mostly. Our smallest here needs a bit of attention. He can be so fussy." She giggled.

"Don't worry, I won't take up too much of your time. I'm glad to hear that you're well."

"Well enough," she giggled again. "I need to get back out there, and lose a bit of weight. Ugh, three kids. I took a hell of a beating. I still don't actually have a job, yet," she said, sounding a little guilty. "We'll be fine, though. I do really want to get back out there."

"Back running?"

"And working, mostly working. I love being with the kids, but I need to pull a little weight around here. I've been lazy long enough."

"You're the last person I'd ever call lazy, Emi. Your old job won't take you back?"

"They probably will, but I'm not taking chances. No way in hell. Isn't that right, sweetheart?" She cooed this at who I assumed was her youngest.

"Language, Ibarazaki."

"Hey, my children will be fine, upstanding members of society who don't take any crap from anyone." We both chuckled at that. "What about you, Hisao? Any little Hicchans running around yet?"

"No, ah, no. I... I actually just got divorced."

"Div...? Oh. Well, I'm sorry to hear that." She started to sound a bit suspicious. I moved to allay her concerns, "Yeah, well, it was for the best. It wasn't too horrible, it was more like... we just didn't see eye to eye, I guess. Heh, I'm kinda glad there weren't any kids caught up in it."

"Uh-huh," she said dryly. Smooth, Nakai. I should have asked for her sign while I was at it.

I cleared my throat, "Well, that's not really why I called. Emi, have you heard from Tezuka? From Rin?"

"What? What do you want with her?" The suspicion now had an edge of hostility. Two strikes.

"Nothing, I'm just a bit worried about her. Have you heard anything about her? Anything at all?"

"No, Nakai, nothing. She just dropped off the face of the earth right after high-school. I heard she was painting full-time and making a name for herself. No time for me, I guess. Why are you asking?"

"You don't know where she is?"

"What is this about?"

I scratched at my chin. I couldn't make out if she knew anything about Tezuka vanishing. I gritted my teeth, and took a shot in the dark, "Look, I'm sorry to bother you, but someone just came by asking about her today."

She inhaled sharply, "You're kidding, right?"

"Afraid not."

She paused for a minute, weighing her options. "You know, someone strange called me the other day, asking about Tezuka."

"Yeah, I figured that. You didn't see him? It was a him, right?"

"Yeah, it was a him, but I didn't ever see him, it was just that one phone call. He actually came to you?"

I said yes and described Katagiri, leaving out his name. I wanted her to be on the look out, but not rope me in with Katagiri. "He asked me all sorts of questions about Tezuka. Emi... I don't like this."

"Well, what are you going to do about it? It's not like you and Rin are, well, still friends, even."

"You're right, we're not. Things ended bad, you know that. But that still doesn't mean I'm not worried. This guy looked like serious business, and," I thought hard for a moment, "I just wanted to figure out what it was all about."

"He didn't tell you?"

"No."

She sighed, and spoke sincerely, "I don't know anything. Nothing at all. I'm sorry. But Hisao, it's not like we can do anything, right? What would we accomplish?"

I stared out the window at the sidewalk, at the dandelions still clawing at the sky. "I don't know. Well, thanks Emi. Say hi to your kids and husband for me."

She giggled, "You've never even met them."

"Just do it for me, okay?"

"All right. Goodbye."

"Goodbye."

I hung up, and looked over the info Katagiri gave me, more pushing it around on the table then anything else. I got up and made some coffee, went out quick for a pack of smokes, then started going over the list of places I had. They were all pretty much in the same city, which was Tokyo, and all pretty much in the same ward. Tezuka wouldn't be able to go far without help. Well, maybe that was a little condescending. I'm pretty sure she could hop on a train if she wanted to. Maybe even a plane. No. Even though she was a free spirit, so to speak, Tezuka was always next to someone... in a way. She painted, and she could have painted alone, but she went to the Art Club. Clubs weren't mandatory in Yamaku. Yeah, she needed paints and other things, but Emi could have helped her with that. But she didn't get along the best with Emi, right? She still had a bag, and one of the clerks at whatever stores she frequented could have loaded it for her. So no, she had other reasons to go to the Art Club. I smacked my head, thinking about how old and juvenile my personal information was before pulling myself back. That was important. The blind boy. I remembered the blind boy. Tezuka was looking for something, maybe getting disenfranchised, but at the same time, looking for something. Maybe she didn't find it, and got lethargic, just going there to do something. But even still, if all that were true, maybe she still hadn't left Tokyo. I knew from experience it took monumental amounts of effort in order to make her do anything, to go anywhere. It fit with why Katagiri would come to me. I was highly doubting that he believed I'd actually go jet-setting in my search for Tezuka. Hell, there's no way that I would. But it was entirely feasible for me to take some time off work and search locally, at least, somewhat locally. I wouldn't have much time, but still, that made sense. I'd probably just end up stumbling around, rousing the sediment, so to speak, and then he would find her.

I got up and poured another cup of coffee. I drank it down, then picked up the phone again, finally calling Katagiri. "I'll do it. I'll leave today."

"Excellent."

"I have to put in for some time at my job. They'll probably give it to me, I've been a good little boy, like you said. It'll take me an hour to get there."

"To where Tezuka last was?"

"Yup."

There was a pause before Katagiri spoke next, "You do know where in the city, right?"

"Well... mostly." I felt his stare even over the telephone. "All right, I'll be honest, I don't know Tokyo all that well."

"But, Nakai, I figured you would be at least somewhat familiar with Tokyo, especially with your work."

"Yeah, yeah, economic powerhouse, edge of technology, booming cultural scene, I know, but I try to avoid it."

"Why?"

"It's crowded and I can't understand what half the people are saying."

"Ah." He cleared his throat.

"Don't worry about me, I'll be well enough. I grew up in a city, and I live in one currently. Tokyo's more than a bit different, but it's still in Japan."

"Very well. Actually, I'm in the city myself, at this moment, and so is my employer. I don't think you'll be able to find much after the sun goes down, so why not join us for dinner?"

"Your boss wanna check up on me?"

Katagiri chuckled. "More or less. Plus, we feel we should compensate you somewhat for agreeing to this."

"Uh-huh. Alright, but I think I should head out at night, too. I get the feeling that most of that 'scene' will be night-owls. Call it a hunch."

Katagiri spoke firmly, "Don't burn yourself out, Nakai. You're no good if you can't function, and I know you're going to find this offensive no matter how nice I put it, but you're not any good to us dead, either. We don't want to be responsible or connected to anything terrible happening."

"It's no problem, just use my fee to cover the funeral expenses. I have plain tastes, so don't worry about it. Us logical types are very utilitarian."

"Please don't make any jokes like that. And about getting dues..."

I cut the sentence neatly in half, "What if I'm spotted talking to you tonight? You already said yourself that you people don't really mix with those people, there's just a load of grinding and sparks. Us logical types also hate frivolities."

Katagiri laughed, "Don't worry, Nakai. It will be a rather 'exclusive' venue, no one will either see or disturb us."

"Ah, that's right, I'm popular. I'll see you later then." He bid farewell and I hung up promptly. Very utilitarian.

I packed some of the stuff I unpacked in a suitcase or two. I had no idea how long it was going to take. I managed to snag two weeks of vacation time from my job, and they just kept telling me how much they understood, which was really nothing at all, when I thought about it. I was lucky, and grabbed a train right before it left. I slouched in the seat, cracking open a copy of The Great Gatsby. I was going through a western literature phase. I always chuckled at the first actual spoken line from Tom Buchanan, "I've got a nice place here." Fitzgerald lulled me to sleep, and I almost missed the stop.