Chapter 3

Bright noon light drifted through the closed curtains. The sunlight struggled to get through them, but they somehow managed to illuminate the room as much it would on a clear morning. The beige colored walls helped to make the room brighter.

I was in a house, her house, specifically in the middle of her living room. It was small yet it had that certain touch to it; the elegant beauty in simplicity, not that it meant the living room was empty but rather alive with the little things that gave the space and the walls a soul.

That was about all I noticed. How could I when she was there, with all her stunning beauty?

With her gorgeous hair, her stunning body, her breathtaking face and her magical eyes; which were now wet with her tears.

They were red now because she had been crying. Teardrops leaked from them and slid off her perfect face and landed on her maroon Ramones T-shirt or her grey sweatpants. They darkened with each tear that made itself home in it.

She was curled up like a ball on the corner of the living room couch, her knees now on the same level as her face; sometimes becoming a rest for her head.

She was devastated about something. I didn't know what it was. Frankly I didn't care. Seems like an odd thing not to care for this woman that I had a powerful attraction to, to not care about what's got her so welled up in tears, but the truth was it didn't mean a thing because she was here with me, and that's all that mattered. All that mattered to me was seeing her every single second of my existence.

I didn't care as she continued sobbing, sometimes wiping off the tears that were too stubborn to leave her cheeks, as if they adored them so much like I did, that they refused to leave its soft embrace.

It seemed like that all I've ever been is by her side.

Her eternal devotee.

Her silent companion

There was no beginning for me. No past. Just the present, just being with her. And I enjoyed every second of it.

Suddenly a high pitched ringing filled her living room. She raised her head from her knees and looked at her answering machine. She stared at it with her tear filled eyes, but made no attempt to pick it up. She sank her head halfway back into her knees before raising it again when the ringing stopped and a man spoke through the voicemail.

"Hayley, it's me Taylor. Look, please call me when you get this okay? I wanted to check on how you were doing Hayles, you haven't talked to us at all. Jeremy, Kat and I are worried sick about you! Chad's even leaving tour and hopping on a plane to be with you. You have to talk with us Hayles, you don't have to face this alone. We're all here for ya. Like I said we're really worried that you're not talking to us. Please talk to one of us and tell us how you're doing, okay? I'm hanging up now H, love you."

There was a click and the message ended. She stared at the machine for a while contemplating whether if she should call Taylor back.

Her hand almost made it to the answering machine but she pulled it back to her lap. It didn't move again and neither did she after she curled up tighter, her head sinking deeper into herself.

She had stopped crying but that didn't mean she lightened up at all. She still sobbed now and then sniffling once or twice.

She sobbed and sniffed for some time before she drifted off to sleep in her now slightly less curled up position on the couch.

I watched her as she slept, so fascinated by her; like a child at a magic show, a devotee looking at a goddess. I was her devotee. She was my goddess, my perfect angel.

I stood watching, at awe on everything about her; the gentleness and rhythmicity of her slow, silent breathing, how her chest slightly heaved and fell with every inhale and exhale or air, how her slender, precious fingers and the corners of her perfect lips would sometimes randomly and involuntarily twitch, how her eyebrows would sometimes raise or tighten making creases on her forehead, how her orange hair dangled from her face making her seem engulfed in flames, how she was curled up on the couch; like a little girl who had been crying because she'd been separated from her mother while shopping. She was so precious, beautiful and fragile.

I watched her sleep for what it seemed like days, yet boredom never once visited me for even a single second because every little thing about her was perfect, and it fascinated me in every moment.

Her eyes opened for a few moments in her slumber but sleep smothered her back into its world again.

It was dusk when she was finally able to escape from the land of dreams. Sunlight as orange as her hair, streamed into the house.

She changed from her curled up position, stretched her arms and rubbed her eyes to relieve herself from some of the aftereffects of her siesta. She seemed quite taken aback from the orange sunlight which meant it was almost night.

Her face seemed devoid of the mental agony and devastation that reaped her soul few hours ago. Maybe the land of dreams had actually erased the pain for the time being.

She sat there on the couch for a few seconds calculating the time between the time she woke up and the last moment she remembered before it. Then she slowly heaved her perfect, small body off the couch and drowsily walked towards the stairs of her house that lead up.

Again I found myself deeply fascinated by every action she took; the way her body moved when she walked, how her hair lifelessly bounced and dangled with every step she took, how she very limply went up the stairs. Everything about her was beyond the measure of perfection.

I craved for her.

She was my angel.

Mine.

Once she got to the second floor, she entered into her bedroom. She didn't stop there and went inside the bathroom in it. She walked over to the bathroom mirror and examined her face for a while. After that she turned on the tap and splashed some water in her face. I could see that her face was now more awake and alive from the mirror. She was so beautiful.

Then suddenly fear took over her face. She snapped her body around to face me. Her eyes wide with horror, her jaw dropped in disbelief and her body tensed.

She stared for a few seconds, but her face reset back to the pained expression that occupied her face at midday today.

She was on the verge of breaking into tears again; of reliving the agony all over again. It seemed like even the pleasure of the dreams she visited couldn't erase her pain away. She quickly escaped the bathroom.

But I didn't follow her

I wondered about what could have scared her a few seconds ago. And why did she look at me? Of all the time I spent with her, there was never a moment where she looked directly at me until today. As if today she actually saw me.

After a few minutes, she returned back into the bathroom, but this time she was robed in a white bathrobe. I could see her perfect legs up to her knees now and I stared at them as she stepped up to the shower cubicle.

To my utter disbelief she unclothed herself then and there baring her naked body to me. I was stunned so much that I involuntarily clenched my teeth at the sight in front of me. Now not only I could see up to her knees, but all the way up her legs as well. And not just her legs but all of her bare beautiful, porcelain skin from head to toe. Her naked self was too much to take in, the smooth curves of her lush body, how her arms held themselves onto her torso, how her muscles flexed when she stepped up onto the shower cubicle. She was perfect, the most beautiful thing ever created.

She closed its door as she gently stepped into the cubicle. Then she twisted a handle and water rained onto her from the showerhead above her. She stood still for a while letting herself get wet. Then she ran her hands over her lush body, cleansing herself and ran though her hair, letting the water swim through every nook and cranny of its fiery tendrils. She held up her face directly into the shower of water allowing the water to wash away the day's torment and all evidence of it.

But it didn't

A cloud of despair engulfed her and tears once again warmed her eyes while she lowered her head from the agony. Trembling uncontrollably with despair, she held onto the shower handle. Holding onto something real lest she drown in her sorrow completely. More tears escaped her face and she held her face with her free hand, while crying into it. She was drowning.

Unable to hold herself upright, she finally sank into the bathroom floor and curled herself up to a familiar shape again, her face at level with her knees and her arms cradled on her belly. Even if more tears leaked from her face, they were lost in all the water running down her face.

Her beautiful face

She was so beautiful.

Her porcelain skin glowed like snow in the white bathroom light. Even the blank pained look on her face couldn't do her beauty any injustice. She was the most amazing thing of all earth.

She was my drug.

My addiction

My obsession

She was mine

She closed her eyes for a while trying to take control of herself and her emotions. Once she did, she heaved body up from the bathroom floor. She didn't bother washing herself any longer, so she turned off the shower, stepped outside it, dried her body with a towel and robed herself.

She headed back to her bedroom while drying her hair. After it stopped dripping she started looking through her clothes.

A couple of minutes later she was dressed in white pajamas with pictures of a yellow sponge wearing a white shirt, red tie and brown pants. If anything she looked absolutely adorable wearing her pajamas.

Then she went downstairs again and entered her kitchen. She had her hands on the fridge when suddenly her doorbell rang. Surprised and curious as to whom it might have been at the door this late, she hurried to the door and answered it.

She was greeted by curly haired, slightly bearded man dressed in a plain black T-shirt and blue track pants. To my surprise, he was a man that I recognized.

"Hey, Hayley" He spoke.

She was definitely surprised "Taylor! W-What are you doing here?" she replied with her beautiful voice.

God, her voice. When she spoke it made everything else sound like the barking of mad dogs. It was the voice of an angel. A voice that God himself gifted from him to her.

I wanted her to speak again but it was Taylor who spoke.

"Did you get my message?"

Hayley nodded

"Well, as soon as I left it I was worried that you didn't answer. About an hour ago I decided to check up on you." He said

"Well as you can see Taylor I'm fine, thank you very much. You shouldn't have wasted your time" She said unsympathetically and she tried to close the door on Taylor's face, but before she could he stopped it with his hand.

"What is it Tay?" She asked annoyed.

"Talk to me Hayles, how are you doing?"

She groaned "Not now Taylor, go home and leave me alone"

"I can't Hayley. Now can I please come inside, or do we have to talk about this on your porch?" he asked

She looked at him for a few seconds and then sighed in submission.

"Fine T, come in" she said and held the door open for him. She closed the door after he went through it and turned to see him looking around the house.

"What were you doing before I came here?" he asked.

"I was going to heat up some leftovers" she said.

"Oh cool! Why don't we both eat and watch something?" he asked enthusiastically.

"Taylor…" she moaned in disinterest "What do you want?" she asked in return.

"Look Hayles, I'm really worried about you, Jeremy, Kat and Chad too. We're all worried about you. We know what happened was terrible, but you have to talk to us; to somebody. It's the only way you're gonna get through this. You shouldn't shut the world out! We can help you!" He said with a sincere look on his face.

"Taylor, stop. You shouldn't think about me anymore. No one should. No one can help me Taylor, I did something horrible and I don't deserve anybody's help. I deserve to rot in hell" she said blankly.

His face twitched slightly in pain

"Hayley, you are the nicest person I know. The last thing you deserve is to rot in hell." he said.

"But I did something unforgivable T! How can anyone ever forgive me? How can I ever forgive myself?" she said tearing up again.

"It was an accident Hayles, please believe me when I say it was not your fault. Nobody says it is."

"Then who's fault was it Taylor? Huh? W-Who's was it?" she said, her voice giving away into sobs. He noticed this and reached out to hold her, but she steped back avoiding his touch which made him give up on it and take his hand back.

"it's nobody's fault H! it was an accident. Accidents happen and sometimes it not anybody's fault." He said sincerely.

"But that doesn't change what I did!" tears went down her face while she spoke, her voice sad and angry at the same time.

"But blaming yourself won't change a thing either. We love you Hayles. We don't want to see you like this. Please talk to us, it's killing us to not know what's happening with you, it's killing me to see you suffering alone." He pleaded.

She was falling apart now, all her pent up emotions now escaping her mind as tears. They streamed down her face like a waterfall, more than ever before.

Seeing her like this Taylor stepped up to her and held her close to him. She didn't resist this time. He held her in his arms while she buried her face into his shoulder and cried loudly.

"I'm sorry Taylor, I'm so sorry" her muffled voice cried.

His face shook in pain from seeing her crying and apologizing to him, but he held his voice steady.

"It's okay H, it's okay. Don't cry. I'm here for you." He whispered.

He embraced her, letting her cry as much as she had to. She needed him, to hold onto him, to share with him, her pain. They didn't let go of each other for a long time.

"What was his name?" Hayley mumbled into his shoulders, after she gained some control over her emotions.

"What was whose name sweetie?" He asked.

"You know who I'm talking about Tay" she said.

"Hayley I…"

"Taylor, please just don't… please just, tell me his name" she said louder.

"Hayles it doesn't matter" He insisted.

"It does matter Taylor! It matters to me. Please I have to know." Hayley argued.

"Why Hayles? Why? Why can't you just forget about it. Let it go please."

"Because I can't just forget about it Taylor! I can't just forget that I killed a man!" Just tell me who he was T, please."

They still held each other in their arms as they argued, but her face now looking at his, their eyes met. Hers were burning from the blood that flowed into them during the time she cried in his arms. They didn't waver but pleaded from him with fiery determination. He finally sighed and said "David I think, David Connors"

I stood there taking in their conversation. Taylor's last words kept echoing in my head.

David Connors… who was that? I knew the name. It was... it was…

It was my name.

A sudden wave of information hit me out of the blue.

I remembered everything, a total recall of everything that happened in my life... I knew ; who I was, the people I knew, The people I cared for; my friends at the university, Larry, and…Hayley.

But most of all, one cold truth cut through to me.

I braced myself as its flashback took over my senses, dragging me back to my last memory.

The little boy dropped his yoyo on the ground and it kept rolling like a coin straight onto the asphalt. He didn't see the silver sedan coming fast at him from his left. His mother's eyes widened in shock and fear when saw her son facing certain danger and that she was late to pull him back. There was little time to think, the only thought that went through my head was that if I didn't do something, that boy is going to get run over by the silver car. I ran to the boy as fast as I can and pushed him back onto the pavement.

It happened after a split second. The car struck me from behind. The impact was hard. I ricocheted over the vehicle and landed hard on the ground.

Pain

I struggled to move, but I couldn't. The agony was too much. Even when I tried to turn my head an incredible wave of pain jolted through my body. My whole body was screaming in agony from the broken bones and the internal bleeding. My back felt like a coconut tree near the shore, there was definitely something wrong with it.

Breathing was getting harder now, every breath I took worsened the pain and took greater effort.

Is this the end for me? Am I going to die today?

There was a voice in a distance, so faint. As it got closer it got clearer but still my ears weren't working like they should be. There was an incredible ringing going on and the voice was muffled.

"Call an ambulance now!"

My eyelids were getting heavier. It became a million times harder for my eyes to focus on anything. My vision was a blurred mess. I tried to concentrate on what was happening around me as a bearded man with brown hair knelt down beside me.

"Can you hear me? Hey! Can you hear me? Hold on! An ambulance is on the way!" he shouted.

Then another voice spoke up through the ringing. It was from a black haired man.

"Is he breathing?" he asked through an agitated voice.

"Barely" the other man replied in the same way.

Unable to bear its weight, my eyes shut. They seemed to weigh a ton now. Though I was hoping that I might become unconscious, my body stayed awake. I could still feel the agony roaring inside my body. I could still even hear the two strangers talking. I tried to focus on what they were saying and tried to ignore the pain.

"Hey! Hey! Wake up! Don't fall asleep! Hold on!"

"Hayles help us over here!"

What did he say?

Hayles?

Her name?

My Hayley?

Despite the incredible weight tying down my eyelids, I somehow managed to get them slightly open.

And there she was.

Flaming hair, hazel eyes, magnificent strawberry face; adorable cheeks, perfect nose and beautiful lips

My heart

"Hold on!" one of the men said. I turned to him and realized that it was her bandmate Jeremy.

What were they doing here? How were they here right when I got hit by that car? Did they see it happen?

While I was silently asking questions, something happened that I never expected to happen in my life.

Hayley got down on her knees and reached out with both her hands taking mine into them.

She was holding me

Her skin was touching mine

I've wanted this more than anything else in my life. And now, what may be the final few minutes of it, I actually got the chance to hold her.

Though the pain was immense, I tried to ignore it and focus all I can on my hand where she was holding it, to feel her touch, to feel the soft texture of her hands, to feel her warmth.

And then she spoke to me

Her wonderful voice calling to me.

She was taking even a few seconds of her life to actually convey something to me. I tried my best to snuff out the ringing and her voice only.

"Stay with me" She said gently

She laid one of her hands on my chest, trying to feel the rhythm of my slow, dying heart.

"Please hold on" She pleaded, her hazel eyes filling up with tears

Then she moved her palm to my face gently caressing it while she repeated

"Hold on"

I wanted to say so many things. That I loved her more than life itself, that she meant the world to me, that I wanted nothing more than to be with her, to hear her talk to me again. I wanted her to know how badly I wanted her, how my heart would always light up when something reminded me of her, how I wished every night that she would visit me in my dreams, because that was the closest I could get to having her.

But it took all I had just to whisper her name.

"Ha…"

Pain

"H.."

Pain

"Hayl…"

Pain

"Hayley…"

I finally managed to whisper her sweet name. I didn't know whether she heard it or not because saying her name drained all the energy out of me

My eyes started fluttering rapidly, my focus on her face weakening. Everything was becoming darker.

No! No! NO! Don't fall asleep. I have to stay with her. She's right there, don't leave her! You love her damn it! Don't let her go!

But it was all the shouting in my head was in vain. And then my eyes closed for the last time. The pain being was being washed away, the last bit of light being engulfed by darkness.

When I came back I found myself on my knees, the force of the flashback rendering me powerless to stand up properly. I took in everything that happened to me.

I died

Now I am dead

And she was there, the love of my life in my last few moments. She held my hand. She touched me. She spoke to me.

She was somehow there with me.

How can it be?

Then it hit me.

The unbelievable truth.

"Because I can't just forget about it Taylor! I can't just forget that I killed a man! Just tell me who he was T, please."

"David I think, David Connors"

My name, me.

The person who killed me was her; the love of my life, my sun and moon, my Hayley.