A crown of blond hair, encircling a swollen, purple jaw and cloudy ocean eyes press down on the back of my eyelids. Although I have been lying on my bed for an hour, maybe two, the uselessness of attempting to sleep was apparent before I even entered my dormitory. My eyelids flutter open to be filled with black letters: Fear God Alone. I grimace back a laugh. When I passed Dauntless initiation two years ago and received my room, I chose to keep it bare, Abnegation, Stiff; a representation of where I truly belong. But as a reminder to improve, to surpass my four fears, I painted the words above my door. They now mock me, jeer at my inability to overcome my fears.
I push myself up and rub my temples with my fingertips in a circular motion, as though I am polishing a countertop free from dust. But the dust I am currently attempting to scour is not dust at all, but scars, scars deep and subterranean with roots that are anchored through my body and haunt me. I am not worthy of my nickname and I long to hear Tobias again. I crave for her to call out to me. You're an idiot, I think. But even as this thought crosses my mind, stamps out the possibility of that ever being a reality, the sensation of Tris's heartbeat in her stomach as my fingers grazed her ribcage during training spirals into my own, and the fluttering of wings and papers colliding midair cause my heart to race.
Before I even realize what I'm doing, my feet are wedging themselves into my always tied sneakers, wiggling down and thumping toward the door. I don't know where I'm going, have no reason to be leaving my dorm. And yet, I walk.