A/N: This will be the first "M" rated thing I post on this site...No wait. Is it? Yeah? Yeah.
Song: Smokescreen by Willis
"Ackerman," he fought to keep his voice steady. "What the hell is this?"
Eren.
My family. My love.
The things I feel for him are so soft, so sweet.
Maybe that's why its hard to understand these other feelings, feelings that have nothing to do with Eren.
"Ackerman."
For Eren I would die.
My need to protect him is obsessive, I know. He doesn't like it, wishes I would leave him be, but I can't. No one understands this need, but I don't need to be understood.
I just wish I could understand.
"Listen you brat, speak when spoken to! I asked you, what the hell is this?" his tone was deadly.
I want to understand why I feel this way. Not how I feel for Eren, how I feel for...
"My story."
His eyes narrowed.
...for Levi.
"This isn't a story, this a fucking journal entry!"
Heat. I feel heat in the pit of stomach. I thought it was anger, he makes me furious, but that's not all it is.
"I can write what I want."
He hurt Eren; I wanted to kill him.
"Dammit Ackerman," he hissed.
So why, why in the world do I want him to touch me?
"You don't have to like it," she told him, deadpanned. "It's mine, not yours."
Where do these dreams come from? Dreams so vivid. Dreams of things I've never experienced, but that others talk of.
His eyes were blazing. "Who the hell said I didn't like it?"
Lately all my dreams hold the same theme. He and I in situations I've never encountered or even thought of before. On the bed, against a wall, in the grass.
She stared at him in disbelief.
Sometimes he finds me alone during the night. He says he has to punish me. Using my scarf to tie my hands behind my back, using his cravat to cover my eyes, he forces me to my knees. I hear his pants hit the ground and suddenly he's in my mouth.
"You think I'm an unfeeling bastard, but I assure you I am most definitely a man."
Other dreams start with training. He pins me to the ground and I can feel him, all of him, pressing against me. People are watching, but that doesn't stop him from sinking his teeth into my neck and grinding his pelvis against mine.
She was stunned.
Why am I not disgusted by this? Why is that I wake flushed, gasping and almost wishing that my dream was reality? No. Not almost.
"Hate is a passionate emotion."
I think I want it. Really. And I don't know why. There's no love, no compassion in these images. No deep feelings of attachment. I want to know why I dream of him fucking me.
"So," she found her words. "Do something about it."
Eren is always pushing me away. He doesn't have a clue how I feel and though I know he cares I also know that I am nothing more than family. I am just his sister. Someone who holds him back. I don't mean for him to think of me like that, but I know he does. For me, its worth it. He's alive.
Both pieces of neckwear were removed from their usual places. "Let me make that dream a reality."
It should be enough. It used to be. Knowing that Eren was safe...But he isn't and I know, without a doubt, that someday he'll go away from me. Insensitive as he is he'll do it without a word, never thinking about how much his actions hurt me until after the fact.
She fell to her knees.
If he comes back alive he'll apologize, rationalizing that my fears were unfounded when I throw my arms around his neck and cry.
"Ackerman," he leaned down to whisper in her ear. "You've been a bad girl. Having dreams like those about a superior officer? You need to be punished." He took a fist full of her dark hair, yanking her head back.
If he dies...If he dies then in the moments before death he'll regret not saying goodbye, not being stronger, but not what he's done. If he dies it will have been for a worthy cause and he will have done everything he could. That will satisfy him.
It was in her mouth. Hard. Throbbing. She nearly choked.
He's so selfish. He would leave me in an instant. Leave me alone. Again. Leave me to wander the dark halls of depression.
He hissed when her tongue touched his tip. "That's it, accept your punishment."
If Eren dies then I will too.
"Where'd you learn that, huh?" he gasped as she bobbed her head. "I thought you said you'd never done this before."
So, for all of that, for all of those feelings heading in his direction, why doesn't he understand? More than that, why am I stupid enough to hope that he ever will?
"Oh, fuck, Ackerman," he groaned.
I don't know. I don't know. I don't know!
He convulsed. Salty, hot liquid ran down her throat.
Why am I with someone else in my dreams?
Levi found himself flat on his back, eyes closed, breathless. It had been a long time since he'd felt that way. Too long.
Why am I with Levi?
He regained enough sense to undo her bindings. "Alright brat, it's your turn. I'll show you something you haven't even dreamed of."
I don't know.
The End.
A/N2: Erm...I don't know either. One more chapter left!