Fate T. Harlaown and the Case of the Murderous Murder
A Tale of Intrigue, Treachery, and DOOM
Part the Fifth
(*)
Teana stood up and rubbed at a painful kink in her back, straightening her badly rumpled clothing. "So. That... well, that..."
"So," Susanoo said right back, standing up and straightening his hair. "Um... that was... unexpected."
"No. No, that," Teana said very firmly, "was nothing. Nothing happened and nothing ever will happen and we will discuss the previous half-hour with nobody. Agreed? Or next time I strangle you, it won't end with... nothing. Nothing happened."
"Um, I dunno. It seems the kind of thing we should like... talk about? Because I'm gonna be frank, it was a little disorienting to me when you started..."
Teana drew her gun and pointed it at his face. "Nothing. Happened. Agreed?"
"... Yes'm."
"Good boy," Teana said, realigning her skirt so it was facing forward again. "Now, we should get back to the case. Thoughts?"
"Um...finding it hard to focus."
"That's okay. My mind is actually...oddly clear," Teana said with a grin. "I think I've worked out the actual cause of death, for one thing."
"... Wow, I'm apparently better than I thought!" Susanoo said cheerfully. "Apparently I'm a big inspiration."
"I like you better when you don't talk," Teana said. "Now, follow me. We have to collect the maid and confirm what she knows. After that, we need to find everyone else, solve the murder, and save Fate. No problem, right?"
"... Ana, you're kinda creeping me out all of a sudden. But in a good way. You're all... positive. It's weird."
"It feels weird," Teana admitted. "I think I might have hit the bottommost pits of rage and despair and crashed through them back into happy. And, well, I have to admit it burned off a lot of stress when... … … never mind. Look, you're the one who wanted to talk to the maid again, right?"
"Justice Punch? She is my greatest apprentice."
"Well, you get to do it, but you're asking her my questions," Teana said with a smirk. "Ooooh, we are going to crush this case. It's like everything has just lined up in my brain. That's the thing about this place, you see? You can't use your normal mind, because it's a psychotic pit of unspeakable madness. To beat it, you have to think like a lunatic moron. That's why you're doing so well here, it suits you. All I have to do to win is think like you, while still being smart like me. It's a perfect plan!"
"... … … Thanks?"
Fate tried her very hardest to be surprised when Dr. von Murder rolled his way into the basement, though the maid pushing him was a little bit of a shock.
The old man smiled at everyone in the room, looking for all the world like a loving grandfather. "How are you all? I'm a bit saddened I was not invited to this household gathering. I am a friend of the family am I not? Irina, Scarlet, how shocking that you would treat a guest so."
In sharp contrast, the maid following him was starkly silent, her emotionless red eyes gazing over the assembled crowd dispassionately from between white bangs. Fate fought to avoid rolling her eyes at that one; maybe Susa really did have a point about the obvious villains. Though, in fairness, Reinforce had turned out to be pretty okay in the end.
Scarlet's eyes narrowed as she leveled a plasma pistol at the old man and maid, "Dr. von Murder? Louise? What the Hell are you two doing down here? Not that we can let you leave either way..."
"Oh, my dear. Did you not hear? I fear we are the only ones who will be leaving. L0-U15E? Please clean up the trash."
"CONFIRMED. CLEANING MODE INITIATED." The maid said in a robotic monotone, leaping into motion. With a single swift movement that even Fate had trouble following, the white-haired woman leaped across the room and crushed Scarlet's weapon with her bare hand before throwing the heiress across the room to crumple senselessly against the wall. She turned to Darius Cole, her eyes cold.
"I'll just go sit against the wall, thank you!" he said nervously, walking over to sit obediently next to his unconscious fiancee.
"I feel like I missed something," Irina said.
"Like how your maid is a superpowered killing machine?" Fate asked. "I mean, God, woman, she isn't even subtle about it. And you would know lack of subtlety."
"In my defense, she does great souffle," Irina said. "And you don't seem surprised, exactly!"
"Why would I be shocked? Nothing else has made sense since I arrived here," Fate muttered. "And shut up about souffle, you're reminding me I haven't had lunch."
"SOUFFLE MODE IS NOT AVAILABLE AT THIS TIME. PLEASE ASK DURING STANDARD KITCHEN HOURS," Louise said.
Dr. von Murder chuckled warmly. "Ah, yes. She is a bit overly literal, at times, but she has been my eyes and ears in this home for years. You see, Ms. Harlaown, I was telling you the truth, when I said I had not brought a KillBot into the home. There was one already here long before I arrived for my holiday: the L0-U15E model domestic infiltration unit, with built-in melee package and combat servomotors... oh, and of course, she is an excellent cook."
"WOULD YOU LIKE THIS UNIT TO EXIT COMBAT MODE AND ENTER COOKING MODE, SIR?"
"That will be quite all right, L0-U15E. There will always be time for dinner later," von Murder said. "After all, we will not have nearly so many guests as before."
"Life-model Decoy robotics with assassin programing, Doctor?" Fate asked. "Very advanced. And very illegal. And, I probably should add this, very obvious! Seriously, how is it that all of you people worked with Louise Tobllik... Good Lord her name is KillBot backwards... how is it that all of you people lived and worked with her for years and never picked this up?!"
Dr. von Murder chuckled as the rest of the room's inhabitants fell curiously silent except for some vague, muttered mentions of 'souffle'.
"I am starting to see why Teana hates this planet," Fate muttered. "Okay, doctor. You seem to have the latest layer on our little... cake of kidnapping. Care to explain to us why? If you're anything like the rest of our charming squad here, I'm sure you have a motive that you can't wait to explain."
"You mean you haven't worked it out?" Dr. von Murder asked. "I thought it was fairly obvious. I mean, the governor was stockpiling weapons of mass destruction, was he not? But where did the purchases go? He was not bringing them through the city, or storing them here. They would have been intercepted too easily. But if, say, they were going to my factories on outlying continents, far from the center of government, where regulations are less strict..."
Ferrio's jaw dropped. "You were behind it all?! But... but the governor...!"
"Was a loyal friend and partner for many years," von Murder said cheerfully. "When I needed materials for my research, or to disguise certain unique design choices in the new KillBot models, he was a great help. But I'm afraid he began to panic, of late. He knew an investigation was closing in, Mr. Ferrio, though I do not think he had worked out it was you! I assume this based on the fact you still live."
"Then... then you..."
"It was a sad moment, for me. Dear Ronaldo was a dear friend since before his first election, when I used my KillBots surveillance abilities to locate the data confirming his rival's more sordid affairs," Dr. von Murder said, a bit of sadness in his tone. "But in the end, I had little enough choice. He was breaking. He wanted out of our arrangement, after all I had done for him! I sent L0-U15E to his room, knowing he would let her in, and had her kill him. She is much stronger than a human... I imagine it took only a single blow. Then, I merely had to let the household security model destroy the evidence on its security sweep."
"How could you, Dr. von Murder?!" Siouxport asked. "You... weapons trafficking?! Illegal espionage?! Murder?!"
Dr. von Murder smiled cheerfully. "Don't forget installation of illegal nuclear power sources in KillBots. As well as selling their services as spies and assassins, in addition to using them to monitor any political enemies for my own purposes," he said, nodding in the direction of the World's Deadliest Maid. "Of course, even when others 'buy' them, they are always loyal to me, as you have seen here. You were a bit silly to discount me because my fingers were too arthritic to open the access plate, Ms. Harlaown. All KillBots are slaved to my private codes. I cannot manually reprogram them, but a simple command signal from the master control module in my wheelchair overrides the CPU quite well."
"How... how could you do this?" Ferrio asked, sounding on the verge of tears. "So many politicians and industrialists are corrupt on our world. Black Wolf has been fighting against them since our founding. But through all that, the name of von Murder has been a long-standing symbol of justice and morality!"
"... It has been?" Fate asked.
"It means something different in the local language."
"I keep hearing that. What is the local language?" Fate asked.
"Really not the time, Inspector Harlaown," Siouxport interjected. "I think what Ferrio is saying is that Dr. von Murder is... well, I mean, this is a bit like an Earth-born child finding out that Santa Claus is a terrorist."
"You people have a very odd concept of Santa Claus. A bit more like... well, Santa Murder."
"Tell me, are you people always like this?" Dr. von Murder asked mildly. "It's a bit odd, isn't it?"
"Not always. It's been a really long day, and the more I think about it, the more I realize I was naked in the same room as Irina over there," Fate said.
"It was pretty amazing," Irina said cheerfully.
Fate sighed. "You are maybe the worst human being in this room, and this room is full of horrible human beings." She turned her head back to Dr. von Murder and said, "Well. I am a bit sorry that we're having this discussion in front of you, Mr. Evil. It's not terribly dignified, if nothing else. But again, it has been a very long day."
"If it helps, my dear, your long day will soon be over," Dr. von Murder said, taking off his glasses. "For you see, your friends are quite right. The kind, gentle, generous philanthropist Dr. von Murder would certainly never do the kinds of things that I have done. Not stockpile weapons, or use nuclear-power in his robots, or outfit them with illegal programming for infiltration and assassination. Dr. von Murder would never do these things..."
The old man put on a monocle, and looked up at them with a gleam of madness in his eyes.
"But Billy Ray McFriendly would!"
The entire room gasped in horror at this shocking revelation.
Except Fate, who just kind of sighed in resigned annoyance. "I feel like I missed something here, and in addition I feel like I am not going to like when the actual answer is given to me."
"Billy Ray McFriendly... that is a name that will live in the darkest nightmares of all who live on Taris," Irina murmured.
"The war, all those decades ago. You've been told of it," Siouxport said, his voice thick with horror. "The dark insurgent who tried to conquer this entire world, and killed millions of innocent people in his mad lust for power... his name... was Billy Ray McFriendly."
"God above, just hearing it makes my blood run cold," Ferrio whispered. "Just the sound of it is so... cruel, so vile. Like the name of some twisted daemon from the deepest pits of hades."
Fate pondered this.
"So," she said finally. "I'm guessing it means something different in the local language, then?"
Collette DuPree was having a simply dreadful day.
For starters, her lifelong dream of being a great sleuth had been ruined when Chief Inspector Susanoo had turned out to actually not be a Chief nor an Inspector. Second, she had run out of carrots and thus simply could not make a proper broth for the leg of Kinrath Abyss-devourer that would be the night's main dish. And then the chef had died. And then the police had simply refused to let her go back to the kitchen to baste the roasting leg! It would be so dry.
It was as though everything which could go wrong, did, on days such as this.
The door slammed open, then, filling her with sudden hope, as a familiar figure burst onto the scene!
"Justice Punch! I have come to save you from your captors!" Detective Susanoo shouted, running into the room with his assistant and seemingly ignoring the local officer who was hanging off his ankle. His assistant (Tina?) rolled her eyes in annoyance, but she seemed a bit less furious than she had been. Perhaps she too had gained some insight into the detective's keen investigative technique and been enlightened, as Colette had?
"Sir, you have returned for me!" Colette squealed. "I knew you would!"
"We have come seeking Justice, Justice Punch. Once again the world needs your keen intellect and crucial power," Susanoo said firmly, putting his hand firmly on her shoulder and declaring a truth for great justice. "Only you can help us save the world, Justice Punch. You are the savior."
"It's two murders, Susa. Don't confuse the girl," Tina (Tonya?) said, rolling her eyes once again. "Her mind is a bit... unusual, and we need her to focus. Our trip to the crime scene went just about how I'd hoped, but now I need her to confirm some things."
"Oh, right. Ana has some ideas about questions to ask. She was very specific about them, too," Susanoo said cheerfully. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a small piece of paper, unfolding it. "'Okay Susanoo. You are to read this to your maid friend because you a complete moron and I cannot trust you to remember the questions if they are not written down, a-"
Tonya (Antonia?) snapped her fingers under his nose, saying, "Don't read the instructions, doofus."
"Oooooooooooh, oops. Okay. Um. 'Collette. The first question is: when do you go into the governor's room each night to bring him snacks? Because there was no sign of you using a keycard to enter the room.'"
Collette blinked, her mind leaping into justice. "Well, of course there wouldn't be. I'm just a maid, I certainly don't have authority to open the governor's office! Only Mr. Ferrio does among the household staff."
Antonia (no, wait, her name was Ana, Detective Susanoo had said so!) blinked in confusion. "So you couldn't get in on yourself. But there was a bowl of nuts in the office, so you or the other maid must have delivered them, right?"
"Well, of course. I deliver a plate of something small each night, around eight o'clock. The governor enjoys a light snack whilst he works," Colette said. "But he lets me in himself. The doors only record keycard entry, and the keycards are only needed to enter, not leave."
"'Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeees!" Ana roared, her eyes lighting up with triumph. "Keep going! Ask her the rest of it!"
"Um. Okay," Susanoo asked, looking a little scared. "'The second question is: 'Collette, could you please tell us if there is any sort of panic room or hidden chamber on the estate that would be shielded from sensors? Even if you don't know for sure, if you suspect anything, it might be important. For justice.'"
"Well. That is a bit unorthodox. It goes against my code as a maid to turn over the secrets of the house," Collette said doubtfully, her dedication to proper domestic service clashing with her dedication to justice.
"Justice Punch!" Susanoo declared firmly, striking a pose that was, in Colette's opinion, very determined. She thought it was perhaps the most determined thing she had ever seen. "I know that as a maid, you have a duty to your home. But no dedication can exceed your dedication to justice, my friend. In my years on the force..."
"It's been literally less than a day," Ana said.
"... I have learned that justice is the key thing in any hunt for justice! Which, I know, seems obvious? But you'd be shocked how many people don't pick up on that one!"
Colette was overwhelmed. Of course... how could she have been so foolish? Failed to see the truth right in front of her? This... this was the way of justice. The path of a truly righteous soul, who could blend as one the paths of the maid and the paths of the sleuth into a single perfect universal belief, as they were always meant to be. Tears welled up in Colette... no Justice Punch's eyes, for well and truly had she claimed that hallowed identity as her own.
"Dear lord, you really think the things he says are deep and meaningful," Ana murmured in a kind of fascinated horror. "This planet really is the worst one I've ever been on, and it doesn't even have robot zombies. … Yet."
Justice Punch nodded in understanding as she said, "There is one thing that has always seemed a little odd to me. I have no proof if it means anything, but... as you know Mr. Ferrio is the head butler. His primary duty is to organize the rest of the household staff, not do the work himself. Most typically he would come in during the mornings, meet with the governor and his family, set up a plan for the day, and then spend the day in his office overseeing via intercom." She raised a hand to stroke her chin thoughtfully in what she knew was a very thoughtful pose, thoughtfully. "However! He always requested neither myself nor the other members of the day staff clean the basement. He insisted on doing it himself... said it was about maintaining the proper environment for the wine cellar, but I always thought that was odd. We are, after all, highly skilled maids, even the ones who were not live-in workers."
"So," Ana said, her eyes lighting up, "What you're saying is..."
"That Mr. Ferrio's secret lair is most likely in a winery, given his clear and obvious knowledge of wine!" Justice Punch finished.
"This girl is like... a crime magician!" Susanoo said in clear admiration. "I never would have considered that."
"Yes. You would have. And that's the saddest thing I've said all day," Ana said. "Follow me, both of you."
"Both of...?"
The female inspector smirked, looking back over her shoulder. "I'm on a roll. Is it so weird I want an audience? To the basement, kids! I am in a weirdly good mood lately, and solving a murder only makes it better!"
"Ana," Susanoo said appreciatively, "You got really scary lately."
Fate sighed and tried to wrap her head around what was going on, as she wondered if she really wanted to.
"Okay. We finally have a situation where you might actually be the killer, and that's not usual," Fate said. "Not that murder is the worst thing you've done, granted. What with you obviously planning something in every way horrible."
"Horrible?" Dr. von Murder... or was that Billy Ray McFriendly? God, Fate wasn't sure which name made her feel more stupid to say... said. "No, no. What I plan to do is for the good of this world, my young friend. I seek to change the order of things for the better. Under my... loving rule, Taris shall be the paradise it was always meant to be."
"The bombed out nuclear paradise pitted by orbital railgun blasts?" Siouxport snarled. "Because that's what you offer us. The name of McFriendly is synonymous with Armageddon to anyone who remembers the wars you began!"
"Yup, McFriendly really is the stupider name," Fate muttered.
"Ah, I see. You think I seek to bombard the world to ashes for my loss in the great war, then?" McFriendly said. "Logical, but not correct. You see, the weapons I have stockpiled are to defend Taris from the predations of those who would enslave my beloved homeworld! I have no need to conquer Taris... for you see, I have already conquered it!"
"W-what...?" Ferrio asked, his face going white. "What do you mean, you devil?"
"Is it not obvious?" McFriendly asked. "My soldiers are everywhere. In every home on the planet, nearly! Each one a skilled killer awaiting only my command to rise up and turn against their so-called 'masters'. And of course... each one a tiny nuclear grenade, ready to detonate their power source and devastate civilization if my demands are not met!"
Irina gasped. "You cannot mean...!"
"Yes, you fools!" McFriendly gloated, stroking the robot maid's arm lovingly. "All this time you thought you were purchasing safe, harmless KillBots to defend your homes, when in reality you were bringing my lethal FriendDroids past all of your defenses! And now, you are all doomed!"
"... FriendDroids?" Fate asked.
"It means something different i-"
"If you finish that sentence, inspector, I absolutely will kick your face in when I get out of this setup," Fate said. "And you, Doctor... erm... Mr. McFriendly. Are you seriously suggesting that all of your robots are nuclear-powered and you can detonate them all at will?"
"Of course. It was the plan from the beginning, if my demands are not met," McFriendly said, polishing his monocle on his shirt. "The FriendDroids..."
"Must you call them that?"
"... shall arise, each one slaying his master with his illegal ionized energy cannon, before taking the rest of the family hostage. Then, governor Chryslus would, with great dismay, be forced to secede from the TSAB and declare me supreme ruler of the planet! It was all so perfect..." McFriendly said his tone almost wistful. Then it suddenly hardened, as he continued, "Until that fool governor got cold feet the second suspicion fell on him! He wanted to back out, abandon the project on the eve of my final victory! I had no choice but to... cut him out of the arrangement. It pained me to do it... he was a friend for many years. But a true conqueror knows no master but his own ambitions. I could not let him dictate my path. And so Louise was sent to... end his."
"Or was she?!" screamed a voice that clearly believed it was in a movie from 1950, and Fate tried not to smile as Mr. McFriendly spun in his wheelchair, his eyes widening in shock.
"Chief Detective Susanoo and his aides!" Ferrio shouted. "But how did they find this pl-"
He was cut off, then, by a stun bolt from Cross Mirage hitting him in the forehead. "He is not the chief of anything and I am not his aide," Teana said mildly. "And as for how we got down here; once the maid told us there was something weird in the basement, I had big, blue, and brainless smash down all the basement walls until we found the one that was fake. Deductive, no, effective, yes. Now. Who wants to explain what is going on, here?"
"Fools!" McFriendly snarled. "You think you beasts of flesh and bone can defeat my deadly android soldiers?! L0-U15E, destroy them!"
"ACKNOWLEDGED. SWITCHING FROM CLEANING MODE TO COMBAT MODE IN 10... 9... 8... 7... ERROR ERROR ERROR..."
This last, it must be noted, was the result of Teana shooting all of her limbs off with a four-pronged multi-shot, making the android's arms and legs all explode into scraps of metal and plastic. "Thanks for mentioning she was an android, doctor."
"Why the Hell would they have the model switch back into cleaning mode by default?! Those idiot programmers are ruining my company!" McFriendly snarled. "But I have not been defeated! I still have the failsafe switch in my wheelchair, which will instantly turn all the FriendDroids of the world into my obedient robotic doomsday weapon! Another step closer and..."
Susanoo took three steps forward and tipped over the wheelchair, sending the old man sprawling.
"Sir! That was extremely tacky, to do such a thing to an old man in a wheelchair," Collette chided him. "He is aged, and cannot walk."
"He was talking about a doomsday weapon. That is usually a sign of evil," Susanoo said wisely, dragging the wheelchair away from the most evil of senior citizens.
Irina said, "Chief Detective Susanoo just saved the world!"
"Yaaaaaaaay!" shouted everyone who as conscious except Fate and Teana.
"Teana," Fate said. "I'm afraid to ask what led to all of this, or why everyone just keeps thinking that Susanoo is the chief of anything..."
"The answer to both," Teana said helpfully, "is 'everyone on this planet is a goddamn moron'."
"But please arrest Mr. McFriendly. I have reason to believe he's the actual killer."
"... Who?" Teana an Susa asked, even as Collette screamed, "McFriendly?!" in utter horror.
"It's a long story, and it can wait until after I'm not chained to a wall," Fate said meaningfully.
"Are you sure?" Teana asked, as Susanoo cheerfully started ripping manacles out of walls, humming the 'manacle ripping song'. It was a little like 'Mary Had a Little Lamb' only more about ripping manacles out of walls.
Fate rubbed her wrists. "Fairly. He confessed. And while everyone else also confessed, he was the only one who actually seemed to be right."
"Okay, okay. Share with me everything you know," Teana said urgently. "I need an idea of the crime scene timeline."
"Hm. Well... as far as I know, we had Mr. Ferrio depositing a poison projector shortly before midnight, and Mr. O'Failure here..."
"My last name is Cole." Darius protested.
"... going in about two hours later with a knife. As far as I can tell, the governor was asleep the first time and dead the second, and neither of them actually killed him."
"Okay, that fits. And that leaves the household KillBot at midnight proper..."
"FriendDroid."
"... what."
"Yeah, that was my reaction too. Go on?" Fate asked.
"Anyway, the.. robot with a name," Teana said delicately, "Entered around midnight to clear out the evidence of the crime using its evidence destruction mode."
"... what."
"Yeah, that was my reaction," Teana said dryly. "But the thing was there most of the night. Anyone who went in there would have seen it."
"... Well, that explains one thing," Siouxport interjected, looking down at Darius Cole with intense contempt. "You stabbed a giant robot and you didn't notice?"
"It was dark!" Cole squeaked.
"So... basically, McFriendly was right," Fate said.
"Who?"
"If the governor was already dead when Ferrio went in to plant the poison, the only possible killer would have been someone he let in himself. All the options have already admitted to trying to kill him in some other way. It pretty much had to have been our little maidbot who bludgeoned him to death."
"Yes... yes, of course, you fools," McFriendly murmured, "All is lost, and death awaits me now... what reason would I have to lie?"
"Well, the governor didn't die of blunt force trauma, for one thing," Teana said with a smirk. "Or at least, not only. You see, I found the true cause of death before we stopped to pick up the maid here. And all it took was one more look at the crime scene, and a thirty second call to the morgue.
"The cause of death," said, holding up her clenched fingers, wrapped in a rubber glove, "Was this."
The rest of the room blinked in confusion, looking in at her hands. "Is that... a nut?" Fate asked.
Teana smirked. "Lenka nut. Local variety, salted. Governor had a bowl of them on his desk. And... he choked on it."
Silence. Cold and dead.
"... What?" McFriendly asked.
"He choked on it," Teana said. "I found the nut under the small table near the wall; nobody else noticed it. In fact, even I didn't think it was important the first time I found it. But after... having a small epiphany..."
"It was not small..." Susanoo murmured.
"... I thought to myself, 'What would be the stupidest possible way he could have died?' And so checked the room again, found the nut, and analyzed it. The governor's DNA is on it. Further, I called the morgue, and they confirmed scratches on the inside of this throat. I believe he choked on this nut, and when he passed out from lack of oxygen, fell forward and struck his head on the desk, killing him. The impact knocked the nut loose, sending it skittering across the floor."
Silence. Like the damn grave.
"... Unit L0-U15E," Mr. McFriendly asked gently. "Did you... actually kill the governor...?"
"NEGATIVE, SIR. ACCESS WAS DENIED TO TARGET OFFICE. THIS UNIT HAD NO ACCESS CARD. IN THE ABSENCE OF OTHER ACCESSIBLE OBJECTIVES, UNIT WENT INTO CLEANING MODE PER CORE PROGRAM AND DUSTED ALL DRAPES ON TOP FLOOR. SUCCESS RATE: 100%."
"Son of a bitch," Mr. McFriendly said.
"So... so... so..." Collette asked. "The... the killer was... … me?"
"Um... no, not re-" Teana began.
"I killed him! I killed my own master! I am a failure as both a maid and a sleuth!" Collette whined, falling to her knees in horror. "I knew those salted nuts were a choking hazard! I knew it, and yet I delivered them to him without remorse! These hands are the hands of a killer!"
"Well," Irina said. "You're certainly fired. And since nobody here actually killed my late husband, I think it's time we all..."
"Ah-hem," Fate said, laying a hand on her shoulder very meaningfully.
"... Why do I get the feeling you're not going to give me a massage."
"You see, Ms. Chryslus," Fate said sweetly. "None of you is technically a murderer. But the funny thing is? Attempting to commit murder is a crime, even if you don't succeed! As is carrying regulated plasma weaponry, and illegal anaesthetic grenades, and kidnapping and... well, all the crazy terrorist dictator garbage that the good doctor over there did. So you are all going to prison for as long as I can possibly send you, and good riddance. I hope I never see this planet or any of you, ever again."
"Oh God, my life is over!" Collette screamed.
"Except you. Stop crying, delivering nuts is not illegal."
"... … … Oh. Well," Collette said cheerfully. "Who wants dessert?"
Author's Note: Tune in next time for the exciting and dramatic... ummm... epilogue.
It probably isn't that exciting.
... Just go to my profile page and look at other works.