Sorry I haven't updated in so long guys! Author's note at the bottom to explain!
The world stops turning in that moment. All sound has ceased and the only thing I am aware of is Prim making her way the through the crowd that has parted in front of her. I can't seem to move. I don't even know if I am breathing or not. At this point I am not even sure I am still alive or if I have gone straight to hell for somehow not preventing this from happening. I am just staring at a little girl who looks scared out of her wits. It is only when Prim looks back at me with a trembling lip do I finally snap out of whatever trance Effie put me in when she read off my little sisters name. The sound comes rushing back to me. I struggle forward through the crowd to save my sister from the horrors that await her after she steps onto that stage to be presented as a tribute for the 75th Hunger Games.
"I volunteer! I volunteer as tribute!" I yell. The crowd is silent for a moment before two voices ring out.
"Katniss! You can't!" Prim runs at me through the crowd as if she can to stop me from stepping up in her place. I feel my face harden as I rip myself away from the 12-year-old and walk up to the stage. Gale grabs her and carries her to my mother as she cries into his shirt. I have never been more grateful for Gale than I am in this moment. I continue my way to the stage as the silence once more returns to the district. As I pass by Peeta grabs me and pulls me into an unexpected hug but before I can return his hug Peacekeepers have picked me up and are holding Peeta back as he struggles to follow us.
"Katniss!" He yells once as it echoes mockingly around the square. I just shake my head at him as I finally stand on the platform.
"Well!" Effie says in her high-pitched Capitol accent from right beside me. "What an exciting turn of events! The first ever volunteer from District 12!" In an attempt to keep things upbeat she says it like its the best thing she's ever heard. Come to think, it probably is. "Come dear, tell us your name."
"K-Katniss." I manage to stutter. "Everdeen."
"I bet my buttons that was your sister!" I only nod in return. I can't tear my gaze away from Peeta, whose anguished face is sure to haunt me until I die, which might not be long from now. "This day just keeps getting better and better! Well, onto the gentlemen!" Effie scurries excitedly to the guys' bowl and plunges her hand in with the eagerness of a child from town divulging in one of Peeta's father's cookies. I almost tune out the name of whatever poor soul I will have to battle to the death in the arena. Almost. But as a familiar name sounds out and a collective gasp of shock sounds from the crowd, I am jolted back to reality.
"Peeta Mellark." For a second I can only think of how God-awful his names sounds in her Capitol accent until I realize what it means. Peeta Mellark. Peeta is going into the arena. I'm going into the arena. Only one of us can come out, and the chances of even that happening aren't very high at all. Best-case scenario I am going to die, or Peeta is. Any bit of hope of I might have been clinging to in the deep recesses of my mind shrivels up and dies as my heart sinks to my feet. I know I must look like someone just punched me in the gut but I can't help it, that's exactly how I feel.
I whisper Peeta's name, and hold back a sob as I watch him climb up the stairs and out of the crowd, making his way toward me instead of his spot on the other side of Effie. He just stands right beside me, sending a clear message to me. I won't let you go into this alone. When Effie tells us to shake hands he just pulls me into another big hug.
"Thank you." I whisper and he whispers back "I'm sorry" before letting all me go but my hand and doesn't release it until the peacekeepers lead us into separate rooms.
"I'm so sorry guys. I'm so sorry. I promise, Peeta or I one will get out. We have to. I mean, it's about time District 12 had a victor." I try to pretend laugh then sniffle for the first time since my "Almost Girl" days as Peeta christened them. I hold back a sob with shaking breath, and hug them both tighter to me.
When they walked in I immediately told my mom how she was to act when I was gone and then pulled them both into an embrace. That left us where we were now, sitting on a velvet couch trying to enjoy the last few minutes of our time together.
They don't say a word for a few minutes after my lame attempt to lighten the conversation and we sit there in silence, in a huddle on the soft couch.
It was funny, really, how they tried to make us as comfortable as possible before they killed us.
President Snow must have a real twisted sense of humor.
"Katniss?" A soft whisper breaks the fragile and heavy silence.
"Yes little duck?" I rub my hand up and down her arm as soothingly as one can when facing imminent death.
"Try your hardest for it to be you." It comes out as a sob and barely understandable but I reply some affirmative feebly, unable to do anything else.
The peacekeepers come and I can't stand for my last words to Prim to be a lie, so I say helplessly as they are taken out of the room, "I love you. I'm sorry."
"I thought you understood, Gale." I say as I hug him hard. "It's always been Peeta. You know that." I pull back and notice him staring at me intently.
"I know. I just couldn't let you go without you knowing how I felt." He takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly.
"So, as soon as you get in the arena get your hands on a bow." Gale changes pace quickly and gruffly, trying to cover up his less than manly moment back there. "Just show them how good you are in your private session and they'll make sure to have a bow in there for sure. If not, make one. It's better than nothing." I nod and before I can talk myself out of it I press my lips once to his. I wish for his sake that I could've felt something, anything, but all I felt was his slightly chapped lips on mine before I pulled back. He looks right into my eyes and nods, understanding. I'm grateful he understands, and feel relieved when he pulls me into a hug.
"I'm so sorry."
"Don't be. I love you, Catnip."
"I know."
"I'm so sorry Katniss. I'm so sorry. I'm gonna get you out of there. Don't worry. It's going to be all right. It's gonna be fine. Please Katniss. I promise."
"Don't. You have to get out." Peeta is officially crazy. He can't think I'd actually be okay with coming out of the arena without him. He saw what happened last time we were apart. I burrow into his neck and I feel his arms tighten around me.
"Please don't make me fight you on this. I'm going to try to get you out of that arena." I feel his lips brush my head and I sigh. I remain silent and I hear him release a shaky breath. We're not getting anywhere because we're both too stubborn to give each other up.
"I kissed Gale." I say to end the terrible silence that engulfs us.
I feel him stiffen and until finally, one by one, his muscles unclench.
"It was his goodbye present." I feel him nod but I know he is too high and mighty at the moment to say how much it really bothers him.
"It didn't mean anything to me. I just couldn't leave him here like that. I didn't even know it was like that for him." I want to stop rambling, but he isn't piping up and it is starting to make me nervous. I pause. "Please say something."
"I knew." He states. There's something his voice. He sounds tired, and it confuses me even more than his words. "I knew it was like that for him."
"Oh," I say. I feel stupid, and I hate it. How did Peeta know when I didn't? How does that even happen? Gale and Peeta don't speak. They barely acknowledge each other when their paths cross. I spend hours on end with Gale every day. I should've been the one to notice.
"Stop it Katniss. I know what you're doing to yourself. You're clueless when it comes to things like this. It's really not your fault. You didn't realize I was hopelessly in love with you until we'd been best friends for what? Eight years? I didn't think you'd ever figure that out. Plus, Gale's only been in love with you for a couple months. You wouldn't have noticed until we were married and he was still hopelessly pining after you." He says this with such ease I almost don't notice the "married" part. But my years of hunting have paid off, giving me a heightened sense of hearing, and then it's my turn to stiffen when I catch it.
He feels this and sighs. He knows me well enough to guess what I'm thinking.
"Really Katniss? What did you expect? It was inevitable. It was going to happen some day."
And that's when it hits me. Sure, I had known exactly what was going to happen as soon as I had volunteered. I was going into that arena and I wasn't coming out. I had known that, I mean I'd been having nightmares of this day as long as could remember. Very thorough nightmares that all led to my gruesome death. So yes, I knew what was going to happen. I knew how it was going to affect my family, and how Gale and Peeta would have to take care of them after I was gone. I just didn't think about how it would affect me.
I realized this because right that second it hit me how much I actually cared.
I didn't want to die. I didn't want to go into the Capitol and pretend everything was just peachy and I gush about just how honored I was to have been reaped. I didn't want to be standing in front of a comfortable bed in the Capitol's fancy train waiting for a lavish dinner when I knew that half the kids in the Seam would go to bed hungry after another long day of trying to ignore the growling pain in their stomachs. I wanted to be sitting at home with Prim; eating the strawberries Gale and I gathered this morning. I wanted Peeta to be holding me in front of the fire, whispering his love and reassurances into my ear. For the first time it hit me that I wanted to have a future, whatever that future might hold as long as it included Peeta. And it scared the hell out of me. All my life I had held on to any and all independence I could. I had never pictured myself as a wife or a homemaker. It's not me. I couldn't drop everything for that. I already have responsibilities, people that rely on me. They're my top priority. How could I ever balance them if I was married? My brain is hurting just thinking of the possibilities.
So yeah... It's been a while. I don't have a very good excuse at all. I just lost inspiration, as I said in my last authors note that I added as a chapter a while ago. I deleted that chapter and replaced it with this real one. I don't know that anyone will still be reading this as it's been over a year but... here you go. This isn't beta'd. I don't know if you guys will like it. I don't know if I like it. I wrote this a while ago and I was hoping to write more for the chapter but I decided to just upload it now. Should I come back to this fic? I don't know if I want to because it will be a lot of work and I am more into Harry Potter fics now but if there is a high demand I will. And if you'd maybe want to beta it could you drop me a line? If I don't get feedback I probably will leave it on hiatus/up for adoption if anyone wants it. (PM if you are interested in adopting it.) I don't mind flames if it sucks so say what you please. Thanks dolls.