Author's Note:

Hey again! Thanks for going on to chapter 3 :) A quick side not before we begin, because I'm sure some of you have been wondering about this. In this story, I wrote it as if the fight with Kimimaro never happened. It just didn't really fit with the story I was going for, and I also didn't like it that much lol. I won't get into details why, because I don't want to spoil it for anyone who hasn't gotten that far yet. But basically, when it ended I was left thinking "Oh…well that was pointless." You all know what I mean!

And also, I'm sorry for taking so long to update. I've had this chapter done since Thursday, but the website has been acting up for me. I don't know if anyone else encountered this, but every time I tried to manage my story I got an error page. But it's all better now so I'm back! :D

But anyway, thanks for reading and sorry I didn't clear that up sooner. And please please please leave some reviews people! I know you're reading it :p

Now on to the story...

I wake with a start, forgetting where I am for a moment. Then, as I become adjusted to the brown stucco walls around me and the wailing wind outside, I remember that I am in the Sand Village, awaiting noon tomorrow when Gaara and I will venture back to the Leaf Village.

As soon as I think of him, my mind flashes back to last night. I was training by myself in a flat area on the outskirts of town surrounded by rocky cliffs. I knew it was a perfect spot when I spotted the large boulder almost perfectly centered in it, similar to the tree stump in the forest clearing I work in at home. I immediately went down and began to train like usual.

"I must do two-hundred left handed punches, or it's five hundred squats!" I whisper to myself quietly but harshly. I must keep vigilant with my training even when I'm on a mission. A person like me has to work twice as hard to stay at a respectable level and become stronger, which is perfectly fine by me. After all, Gai Sensei always tells me I am a genius of effort, which by my standards is much more respectable than having extraordinary powers handed to me at birth.
Suddenly I sense someone close by, around the bend of the cliff behind me where I entered. Continuing to punch the rock, I try to listen without giving away that I've noticed the presence. It actually makes me a bit nervous, me being in a completely different land. I'm not accustomed to this terrain, or the fighting style of Sand Shinobi. Also, I've been training for over an hour and I'm extremely drained. Just as I'm beginning to regret coming here, I see a flicker of red out of the corner of my eye.
I have a strong suspicion I know who it is now, but just to be sure I pretend to bend over to stretch. At the new angle I can catch a quick glance of Gaara taking a seat atop the cliff. What puzzles me is that I actually feel relief when I'm sure it's him. Why should I feel comfortable around him after what happened? Anyone else would assume that he's here to attack me, and that this whole escort mission was a setup. But I find myself giving him the benefit of doubt.
I think it's his presence. Back during the Chunin exam his presence was ominous, and you could feel him coming before you even saw him. His murderous intent emanated off of him in constant waves that planted deep-seated terror in the souls of most. However, all I feel right now is what I felt in his office earlier. No hatred, just Gaara. Without the anger, he comes off more as mildly curious, a bit indifferent, and unfortunately very sad. That's one thing that hasn't changed, the constant hurt in his eyes.
However, now is not the time to be trying to comfort him. I am training and I can't postpone that for anyone, not even the Kazekage. And so I finish my training as usual, but can't help but try a bit harder knowing that he's watching. Something about him makes me want to impress him. I tell myself it's simply because I want to prove to him that even he couldn't stop me from becoming a splendid ninja, but I know that's not true. I feel no anger at all about that. In fact, I never was angry with him in the first place, just determined to recover quickly, even after Tsunade told me to give up.
My thoughts have made my training fly by in what feels like a few seconds. As I finish I decide I should let Gaara know that I've noticed him now. After all, he's been watching me for the better part of an hour. I finish my last kick and then turn around and look up at him. He's sitting there, leaning back on his hands, that perpetually indifferent expression painted onto his face like usual.
"I'm done if you'd like to join me now Gaara-sama!" I yell up to him while stretching my arms. I start to grin as surprise becomes apparent on his face. But then he gathers his cool like always and lowers down to me on a carpet of sand. The way he looks, motionless in the wind yet floating towards me, seems almost graceful in a way. As he lands in front of me I begin to realize I don't know what to say. I smile sheepishly, panicking in my head. I had all that time and didn't even try to think of a plan?
"I'm sorry I kept you waiting. It's very hard for me to stop in the middle of training once I get focused. What can I do for you Lord Kazekage?" I blurt out.
"What happened to Gaara-sama?" he asks with a frown. I tense up, feeling mortified. Even that, a very formal greeting, was a bit too casual for him. He's the Kazekage! But I can't take it back now.
"I'm sorry, would you prefer that I continue to call you by your name?" I ask, sounding dumb. I curse myself in my head for being so lame. I don't know why I care what he thinks of me, but I can't just pretend I don't.
"We're going to be travel companions, so yes I would prefer that." He answers cooly. I have to stop myself from sighing with relief. Instead I channel the surge of happiness that has suddenly taken me by flashing him my nice guy pose. And I swear I see a hint of a grin on his face for a fleeting moment.
"Of course, you can count on me!" I declare a bit too loudly. "Now did you need something of me?" I continue. He hesitates and then tells me that he happened upon me while on an evening walk and decided to watch. I find myself oddly flattered that he stayed to watch me. What could be so interesting about me beating up a boulder for a couple hours? I find myself smiling even bigger than before, and before I can stop myself, I invite him to join me again tomorrow night.
"Maybe. I'm very busy tomorrow. We shall see." He answers, looking like I caught him off guard with my question for a moment. And he leaves before I can even answer. I bid him farewell as he continues to walk away, and he doesn't answer. It's hard to not to feel a bit hurt by his sudden leaving, but I have to remind myself that it's Gaara. He's just like that, and I know there must be a lot more going on inside his head than he lets on.
In fact, I'd say our little conversation was progress. In what, I have no idea. But I feel good right now, and find myself hoping more than anything that he takes me up on my invitation.

I rethink the evening over and over as I eat my breakfast. What could this feeling possibly be? I find myself being shy around him, and I'm never like that. The feeling I get in my stomach is foreign to me even though it feels a smidge like fear, only a little bit. I know I'm not afraid of him, that much I know.

When I look at him and I see the pain in his pale eyes, I just want to fix it. Deep inside me I feel the most burning desire to make that look go away. However, even with the pain in his eyes, I can't look away from him when he's around me. Every time our eyes meet, I feel nervous and I want to look away, but I don't let myself because it would feel wrong. His gaze practically immobilizes me…

No!

Suddenly the answer pops into my head clear as day. And once I think it I know it's true. I try to suppress it but it's impossible. I'm attracted to Gaara.

How did this happen? I look down at my food, unable to eat anymore. I've got too much on my mind. Getting up, I decide to explore Suna today. I would be unable to sit around and think about my predicament all day.

Walking around the village doesn't help me much. I find myself searching the crowds for his pale, porcelain face. I tell myself to stop, knowing that it'd be easy to notice him in this sea of beige wrapped heads, everyone protecting their faces from the wind. With that thought I begin to wonder what I must look like to these people. A Leaf Village Shinobi wandering around town, wearing the only bright colors within miles, squinting in the sun while searching every face in the crowd. It soon becomes obvious that as I walk, people tend to part for me. There seems to be an area of a few feet around me in which nobody is willing to enter.

It's a bit downing, being alienated so obviously, but I remind myself that they are most likely simply wary of me. After all, Leaf ninja don't exactly visit here regularly. They're probably all just wondering why I'm here. But still…the looks of what seems like fear feel like they're piercing me. Thank goodness Gaara doesn't look at me like this.

As if on cue, I start to hear murmurs erupt quickly but quietly around me. The word Kazekage floats worriedly around the square. As I listen closer, I begin to hear what they're saying.

"There he is, don't look into his eyes. He might kill you."

"Sweetheart, come over here with Mommy will you? Stay away from that man."

"He's still a monster."

I start to fume at the allegations being thrown around in whispers. He's not a monster, and that is no way to talk about your own leader! I look down to the end of the square and see Gaara walking slowly, watching the ground as he walks. His red hair shifts slightly in the breeze that has suddenly become much lighter than before. He looks stoic and, in a way, beautiful. Yet just as they did with me, the crowd parts for him. These people act as if he cannot tell how they see him, or hear what they say about him. It's amazing how calm he is in the middle of the hushed and hidden pandemonium going on around him, while I am close to bursting with fury.

The boy has already gone through so much pain in his life. I don't know details, but I've heard that he was even more rejected than I was as a child. Except with him, it never went away. The citizens of this village have yet to look past his differences, much like the Leaf Village learned to look past my inabilities with ninjutsu and genjutsu.

"What a frightening boy." I hear someone behind me say to another. "He's not fit to be Kazekage." He finishes under his breath. That's it.

"What do you know about the qualifications of being Kazekage?" I ask angrily, turning around to glare at the blonde middle-aged man behind me. He looks taken aback, but then he smirks.

"More than you do. You're not even from here." He retorts, clearly glancing down at the red headband tied around my waist.

"It has nothing to do with me. You act as if he's some kind of monster." I respond. "You all do!" I continue, raising my voice. I know I'm making a scene, but I'm so angry deep down in my core. Gaara deserves better than this.

"He's your leader, and he works tireless to protect all of you. While all you do is poke fun at him and talk down on him!" I shout, stepping closer to the man. He steps closer to me as well, trying to look as threatening as possible. There's no way this man could even touch me. Only one person could touch me right now with the way I'm feeling, and surprisingly he does.

I feel Gaara's hand encircle my wrist, and I realize I had a fist balled at my side. All my anger immediately flees from my body at his touch, even though his skin is cold. I can feel it through my bandages.

"That's enough." I hear him say. The man in front of me is struck with fear, and I tear my gaze away from his face and turn to look at Gaara. He's standing slightly behind me to my right, still holding my wrist, however lightly.

"Gaara-sama…they were saying such-"

"I know what they say," he says quietly, interrupting me. He lets go of my wrist, looking seriously up at me. "And it's justified."

"No it's not. You don't-"

"I do understand Lee-san. Now come with me." He demands. I just stare at him, unable to understand how he is able to completely disregard the things they are saying about him. I have half a mind to fight every person here that has bad things to say about him. I've never been one to pick needless fights with those weaker than me or to want to hurt anyone, but I'm not myself right now. I can't help it. Now that I've admitted my feelings for him to myself, I'd do just about anything when it comes to Gaara.

"Please." I hear him say, and I see the pain in his eyes bleeding through the shade of seriousness he'd had on a second ago. No, I can't let myself cause him even more pain. I nod silently and the two of us begin to walk side-by-side out of the square. The sea of beige wrapped faces now parts even wider for the both of us, and I have to bite down my anger. I don't want to make the situation even worse. I'm sure I've upset Gaara already with my rash actions. I wouldn't be surprised if he told me to leave Suna immediately. He probably hates me…

We eventually come to a stop in a clearing much like the one I'd been training in last night, except it is much smaller, and Gaara leads me over to a ledge where we both sit. I stare at him and he stares at the ground, leaving me to wonder what he could possibly be thinking of me right now.

"Why did you do that?" he asks suddenly after many minutes of silence. I feel so nervous and ashamed right now, I question if I can even speak.

"I just…" I start, swallowing. "I know you can hear them. They say those horrible things right in front of you like you don't care."

"I don't." Gaara answers quickly and emotionlessly, still looking at the sand below his dangling feet.

"Are you sure?" I ask quietly. He suddenly looks at me, anger tinting his face.

"Yes I am sure! What do you know of my feelings?" He snaps at me. I try my best to ignore his sharp words. I stare into his eyes again, and the hurt is still there, just as dark as ever.

"I know you look so sad all the time. I can see it in your eyes even when you try to hide it." I say bravely, telling myself that it's for the best. He needs to know that somebody cares. He's looking at me silently, at first with surprise, and then with defeat. Minutes go by as we just look at each other.

"How can you tell what I'm feeling by my eyes? I can't tell what you're feeling by looking at yours." He says finally.

"I just can…You're a pretty open book." I answer. He flinches at that, and then closes his eyes. Leaning back, his face tilts towards the sky.

"But why did you defend me?"

"Didn't you hear them? They-"

"I didn't ask about them. I asked about you." He replies quickly before I can finish. My mouth goes dry as I try to come up with a good answer.

I like you.

No, I could never tell him that. Especially not now when he's angry with me. But I can at least tell him part of the truth.

"I just want you to be happy. You deserve that at least." I say slowly and quietly. He opens his eyes but still looks up at the sky. Then an almost smile forms on his lips. I start to become hopeful, but then he lets out a bitter chuckle.

"Don't hold your breath on that one." He says, his words dripping with a lifetime of sorrow. I'm afraid that he may drown in it once again like he used to. I don't know what to say to that, so I stay silent and look at the ground. I hate how our conversation is riddled with so many silences. I wish we could talk like friends and laugh at each other's jokes and tell each other stories from our lives. I also wish I could tell him how I feel.

"But thank you for defending me. Nobody's done that for me before." He says suddenly, trailing off quietly. I look up to find him looking back at me again. I can't help the huge smile that takes over my face. Did he really just thank me?

"You're welcome!" I say, giving him a thumbs up. Somehow, that small acknowledgement of his appreciation boosted my spirit tremendously. Even the most insignificant kind word can sound like praise from Gaara because of how rarely he ever even notices those around him, let alone pays attention to something they did.

He then stands up, sliding off the ledge about a few feet to the ground, his back facing me. I stand up too, wondering if he's going to leave now. It wouldn't surprise me. He never seems to want to spend any significant amount of time with anyone. But then he turns to me with such a pained look I can hardly bare it, and asks me the one question I can't answer.

"Why are you being so nice to me?" I ask Lee, unable to hold it in any longer. This man, he's been treating me like a friend the last two days and I've done nothing to deserve it. I know he's a nice guy, but this is more than that. I can't stand the regret anymore. It's tearing me apart. Every time he smiles at me it pulls even harder, and the pain in my heart gets sharper.

Yet it also warms me at the same time. The way he looks at me, like I've never done anything wrong to him, it's completely new to me. Never has anyone treated me like this. People respect me because they fear me, but he seems to respect me for a different reason. Maybe he thinks he sees something in me that others don't. What it would be, I have no clue. I'm not exactly likeable, and I've done too much in the past to be forgiven by anyone. I know that and have come to accept it.

I watch Lee's face as he immediately looks at the ground, avoiding my gaze at all costs. It could be my imagination but I swear I see his cheeks start to turn a rosy hue. Is he blushing? This is all so confusing, and the way he reacts to the things I say isn't helping.

"I care about you." He blurts out all of the sudden. I frown, trying to figure out for the life of me why he cares about me.

"You don't have to. Your mission is simply to get me to the Leaf Village safely. That's it."

"It's not just the mission…I thought you could use a friend. And I think you're a good person." He answers. There it is again, that pain in my chest. After what I did to him, how can he think I'm a good person? And he doesn't even know about the incident in the hospital. If he knew about that, he'd never speak to me again.

"Lee-san," I start, finding myself unable to speak correctly. I have to be honest with him and apologize, but for some reason I find myself petrified of losing this friendship, no matter how strained, rickety, and one sided it is. If he somehow still wants to be my friend after this, I promise I'll be a better one to him.

"I'm not a good person." I continue. Lee opens his mouth to say something, but I hold up my hand to silence him. "Just let me explain first." I say. I'm so nervous, and I'm never like this. I find myself feeling light headed, so I remove my gourd and sit on the ground, my back against the ledge we were sitting on previously. My gourd lies motionlessly to my left, and soon Lee sits cross-legged on my right.

"I almost ended your ability to do the one thing that means the most to you." I draw my knees up to my chin and glance over at my gourd, "It's the same as if someone were to take my sand. I'd be more lost than I already am." I say, unable to stop myself from letting it all spill out. "You're so nice Lee-san. But if there was one person you shouldn't feel obligated to treat nicely, it's me. I tried to kill you." I finish, still staring at my gourd. I can't bring myself to look into his eyes right now.

"But you didn't." he answers quietly after a few moments of silence. His voice sounds so uncharacteristically small, as if he's fragile. I wince, thinking of how fragile his bones were when I was breaking them without a second thought.

"But I wanted to. If your sensei hadn't stopped me, I would have…I wanted to kill you so badly." I trail off, swallowing. I finally look at him, wanting so badly to see one of his smiles again. I just want him to tell me it's okay more than anything, even though I don't deserve it. But he's just looking at the ground now, a melancholy expression on his face.

"Do you still want to kill me?" he asks, his voice barely above a whisper.

"No, not at all." I answer back sadly, fighting hard to keep my watering eyes from spilling over. I can't believe I'm actually crying right now. God, what is this man doing to me?

"Then it's okay." He says simply, finally looking at me. He's wearing a small, sad smile. It's not what I was hoping for, but it's something at least. However, the guilt is still running rampant through my body, and I know I'm not in the clear yet.

"It's not…I have to tell you something." I start, feeling myself start to breathe faster. This is it. I have to tell him, but I'm so scared. I try to think back to the last time I was scared, and I think it may have been when Lee first started breaking through my sand armor during that fight. "After the fight, the next day…" I can't stop the tears from flowing down my face now. If I wasn't so upset I'd be embarrassed that Lee is seeing me like this. "I…" My head falls down to rest on my knees, hiding my face.

"I went to the hospital the next day and I went to your room. And I tried to kill you. But Naruto and Shikimaru came and I stopped. But I wanted to do it, but I was so upset… I don't even know what happened really. But I went in there to kill you when you were just lying there unconscious and completely defenseless…" I stop talking, because I've just been babbling through my tears. I can't help it. I've done so much to him, and I'm just realizing now that I want him to care about me. But how could he after everything? My chest aches at the dark and imaginary thought of my success at the hospital and the possibility of him not being here right now listening to my confession.

Why am I such a monster?

"I know." I hear Lee's voice faintly. I lift my head to look over at him, and he's giving me the saddest look I've ever seen. "Naruto told me eventually. They didn't want to worry me while I was still recovering. But after I started getting better, they told me." He finishes. I feel my eyes widen in surprise, tears still pouring down my face. I can't believe he knew the whole time and has still been talking to me. I'm surprised he didn't outright refuse to go on the mission to Suna in the first place.

"But I know you're different now. I can tell. So don't worry about it." He says, giving me another sad smile. I turn my head away, tired of him seeing me cry. But I can't stop myself. I just can't see how he can blow off everything that happened like this. He's not even angry a little bit?

"Please don't cry," I hear him whisper. "There's no reason to. I'm not angry with you. I never was." He continues. Then I suddenly feel a hand on my right shoulder. Before I even have a chance to process what's going on, I jump up with a gasp and back away from him. My heart is racing, and sand is pouring of my gourd and surrounding me as a shield. I look at Lee, who is standing up shakily and watching me with surprise. I close my eyes, telling myself to calm down. The panic is hard to suppress, but I try forcing it down like a foul tasting medicine. Nobody has ever touched me in a gentle way since Yashamaru. No matter how much I've longed for it, it still frightens me.

"I'm sorry," I start, trying to stop the shaking in my voice. I open my eyes and strain to see through the haze of sand still lingering around me. Lee is backed up against the ledge, his eyes wide and watery.

"I should go." He says quietly. I can't bear the sadness in his voice. I want him to be my friend and care about me…I realize all of the sudden that I want him to love me.

"No, please." I whimper as he turns to walk away. The haze of sand has finally cleared around me, and has returned to my gourd that is still lying on the ground.

"I'm sorry." He says, and I can hear that his voice is thick with tears. He starts walking away, but soon breaks into a run.

"Lee-san, please wait!" I cry out desperately. Before I even know what I'm doing I start to run after him, a thick tendril of sand reaching out ahead of me. "Stop!" I scream, the sand about to wrap around his ankle. Then suddenly it all comes rushing back at me. The children running from me, the ball that I was simply trying to give back, my uncontrolled desperation for friendship causing me to hurt them. The sand wrapping around their legs and dragging them to the ground. That night, the little girl slammed her front door in my face and I stood silently with the bag of ointment.

Not again, not with Lee.

I immediately stop in my tracks, and force the sand to fall limply to the ground. He quickly disappears out of sight when he jumps up the rocks with agility only he could possess. I stare at the spot above where he left my sight for a few moments before my vision goes too blurry with tears. There's too many to blink them away, and I clutch my chest with my hand, the pain coming back as painful as it did the night I emblazoned love onto my face. I did it as a symbol of the love I vowed to hold for myself and myself only, but I could have never predicted this. Now, no matter how much I deny it, I love Lee. And if there was any chance of him loving me back, I just ruined it.

I find myself kneeling on the ground, leaning forward until my forehand touches the sand below me. Dammit! I ask myself again, why am I such a monster? I can't stop the sobbing now. I cry my heart out there in the small clearing, far away from anyone who could see me. Why is it always like this for me?

Why am I unlovable?