Author's Note:
Hey, I'm reeeeeeeeally sorry for the wait. I've been so busy with work and getting ready to go back to school. Hopefully I'll be able to keep up more once I go back tomorrow since it's supposed to be minus 0 the whole week on my campus. So I'll be stuck inside writing for you guys!
Now on to the story...
Needless to say, Gaara didn't join me for training last night. I knew he wouldn't because of what happened yesterday afternoon, but I still glanced behind me once in a while during my exercises in hopes that I would see him watching me with that uncaring look he always plasters on his face.
I'm on my way to the Kazakage's office building where I'm to meet Gaara so we can embark on our journey back to Konoha. The trip should take about three days and after that I will be out of his hair. The thought makes my stomach drop in despair, but I wonder if it's for the best. The way he looked at me yesterday, I can't get it out of my head. For a moment, after I laid my hand on his shoulder, his eyes looked the same as they did when we were fighting in the Chunin Exam. When all that sand came out and surrounded him, I couldn't help but picture it wrapping around my body and crushing me within its grasp.
I shake my head, telling myself it wasn't fear that I experienced yesterday. No, I ran away because of the look he had, the look that I caused him to have. Knowing that I returned that murderous light into his eyes was the worst feeling I've ever experienced, and I had to get away so I couldn't cause him any more pain. I panicked.
I hope he understands that, because I'm sure right now he thinks I hate him. Or maybe he hates me, I'm not sure. He could hate me for touching him, something I should have thought of before I did. However, he looked so unbelievably sad, I needed to comfort him, and words weren't helping very much. God I just hope he accepts my apology. I really screwed this up, didn't I?
I'm in front of the office building now and nerves are twinging in my stomach. But I force myself to walk in and let the woman at the front desk know I'm here for Gaara. She nods and leaves for a moment. I lean on the desk, finding myself uncharacteristically weak in my legs. If Gaara doesn't forgive me, I don't know what I'll do. A few days ago he was merely a thought in my mind, a faded memory that kept resurfacing. Now however, he's in everything I do, and I feel like his face is imprinted on the back of my eyelids. How will I possibly fulfill this mission if he is angry with me? Just the thought of him being upset with me throws me off balance. This could end up being a very long couple of days.
I hear a door open to my right and I hear voices. I turn and the woman has walked back into the room, and down the hallway I can see Gaara speaking with a group of men and woman. Some are dressed in regal clothing, while others are in the traditional garb of sand ninja. I assume he's giving the higher-ups of the village instructions for his absence. For a second, his eyes catch mine, but then he focuses back on the group. His expression was completely unreadable, which both gives me hope and disheartens me at the same time.
I look at the ground until he finishes, and I hear him bid them farewell. I raise my eyes and he's walking towards me, looking me straight in face. I hold his gaze, trying earnestly to look friendly, but in the end I'm sure I just look sad. He's wearing his regular dark red clothing with his gourd over his back. The only thing different about him is the grey bag slung over his right shoulder. I wonder if his back is going to hurt from carrying so much. I only have an average sized tan backpack on, filled with food for the journey, basic medicine, and a sleeping bag.
"Are you ready to go?" he asks unceremoniously when he enters the room. I nod and he simply walks out the door, through which I follow him. We walk silently through the village for about ten minutes until we are in sight of the tall crevice that is the entrance and exit. During those ten minutes I try to plan how I will apologize to him. He's been looking at the ground this whole time, not saying a thing. Once again the expression on his face is unreadable and I can't for the life of me figure out what he's thinking. Once we're almost there, I decide I'm finally going to speak up now.
"I'm sorry." He says suddenly before I can even speak. I'm caught off guard, my mouth still open, prepared to say the exact same words he just said. I can't help but chuckle nervously.
"I think that's my line." I answer, giving him a small smile. He glances at me shortly, but then looks at the ground again.
"No, it's mine. I could have hurt you again, when all you were doing was trying to help me. I lost control." He responds. I hesitate, wanting to make sure I say the right words.
"You didn't lose control. If anything you have more control now than you ever did."
"What do you mean?"
"For a second you lost your cool, but then you calmed yourself down and brought it back in. That's a hard skill for most people to learn." I explain. He nods slowly then proceeds to walk silently again. I wait to see if he's going to answer, but when he doesn't I eventually continue speaking. "I'm sorry too though. I shouldn't have touched you, and I shouldn't have run away," I start. I'm nervous and it's very hard to come up with the right words to explain why I left him alone there. "I just, I don't know. I knew I'd upset you so much and I panicked."
"Are you afraid of me?" he asks. I shake my head violently, stopping. He walks a few steps but then stops and turns back to face me.
"No! That's not it at all…I just can't stand hurting you." I say simply, almost wincing at the words as they leave my mouth. He stares at the ground for a few moments before answering.
"I can't stand hurting you either." He says almost inaudibly. I can't help but smile at that. He finally looks up at me, and for a moment I see a small smile appear on his mouth as well. However fleeting it was, I register it in my memory, promising not to forget it. A smile from him is rare, and it would be dense of me to neglect giving such a beautiful thing the attention it deserves.
I'll always try to make him smile.
"So are we okay?" I ask slowly. He nods and turns to walk again.
"Yes, as long as you're okay. We should get going though." He answers.
"Never better! And yes you're right, let's go." I say, and with that we begin to run side by side, the looming walls of the cliff entrance towering over us. It's nice running along side with him. He's slower than me, but faster than most people. I'm much faster than most, so that's to be expected. However, it's nice not to have to slow down for him quite as much as I do for others. I guess in a sense his gourd is like my weights. After years of having it on I suppose he's forgotten it's there most of the time and it has actually aided in his training. Otherwise, I have no clue how he could run so quickly with that thing on his back.
Soon we reach the large expanse of desert that my squad members and I crossed on our way here. The sky is cloudless and the sun is high in the sky, beating down on us. This time running miles and miles through the hot sand doesn't seem quite as tiresome with Gaara here with me. I glance at him out of the corner of my eye. He's simply looking out ahead of us, a placid look on his face.
"Do you like being out in the desert?" I ask, my voice slightly breathy from running.
"Yes. It's usually very peaceful. However, I think a sandstorm is on its way." He says. I look up in worry, but only see blue sky.
"I don't see anything."
"It'll come." He answers simply, and I take his word for it. We run in silence for a few more minutes, and then I start to notice the air becoming thick with a brown haze. He was right, there is a storm coming. The wind is picking up violently, but I press on as I look at Gaara who seems completely unfazed by this. After many minutes however, the sand is stinging my exposed skin becomes a bit more than just uncomfortable. I grit my teeth and raise my arm to block my face and eyes. I wonder how Gaara can withstand this, but then remember that he has that sand armor. He's most likely using it now to absorb the sand whipping through the air. Lucky him.
Now it has become a full-blown windstorm and the both of us have slowed down to a light jog. Despite his affinity to sand, the wind still threatens to knock him off his feet same as me. The sand hitting my face is now extremely painful, and I can feel how raw my face has become. Just as I'm considering removing my arm bandages and wrapping them around my face, Gaara stops and turns to me.
"Want to stop?" he asks. I stare him wide-eyed and then look around us at the hazy expanse of flat land below us. There is not a tree or hill to be seen, nowhere to hide.
"Where?" I ask, shouting over the screaming wind. Instead of answering he steps very near to me and I watch in awe as sand from the ground surrounds us closely. It rises up slowly to form a circular wall. Within a few moments it closes around us, forming a barrier against the wind. Light trickles in through a small hole at the top, and much like the hut I stayed in these past two days I can see the sand outside rushing past through it.
I look at Gaara to see he is sitting down in front of me and I sit down too. His arms are crossed, something I've noticed he does a lot. I lean back against the sand barrier, sighing in relief. My damaged skin is still prickling with pain, but not nearly to the extent it was when I was out there.
"Would you like medicine for your face? I figured you might get a sand rash out here." He offers. I nod with a thank you and he digs through his bag for a few moments. When he hands it to me, our fingers brush momentarily. I watch his eyes widen and he goes tense for a second or two, but then he regains composure.
"You know I'm not going to hurt you, right?" I ask quietly, rubbing the ointment generously onto my cheeks. He looks sadly at the ground.
"I know that. It has nothing to do with that." He answers. I wait silently for him to continue, knowing that if I pry too much he'll most likely shut me out. Gaara looks up at the hole above us for a few moments, the light shining down to illuminate his face. I find it amazing how quickly we found ourselves so cut off from the rest of the world. In here it's as if only the two of us exist.
"I haven't been touched since I was a child, at least not in a way that didn't hurt me." He says in almost a whisper. Then he looks at me. "I've longed for it, but it's still new to me. You've been catching me off guard." He explains. I frown, my eyes traveling over his hands and arms. It's almost impossible to believe that nobody has touched him, not the way I see him. My line of sight lingers on his neck and face, and the messy, red hair atop his head. His skin looks flawless as usual and his eyes gaze at me in such a resigned way.
"What if I don't catch you off guard? Would it be okay then, if you're expecting it?" I ask. He averts his eyes, looking a bit embarrassed.
"I don't know." He whispers. I begin to unwrap the bandage on my right hand, careful to leave my left hand covered. Seeing the scars he left me with will only make him feel worse. Once it's unwrapped to halfway up my forearm I stop and give Gaara a small but encouraging smile.
"Can you hold out your hand?" I ask, my voice as gentle as I can make it. He hesitates for a long time, but I wait patiently. Then slowly he extends a slightly trembling hand out to me. His eyes are bright with worry even in the dim light.
"I don't want to hurt you." He breathes.
"You won't hurt me." I say, truly believing it. It seems crazy that I trust him so much after everything, but it feels right. Everything about him feels right. And so I reach out my hand too and gently take his in mine. I watch his face as he stares down at our hands cautiously. Gaara is still as a rock and his breathing is shallow and slow. His hand is soft like a child's, and despite his life out here in the sand village under the beating sun his skin is paler than mine. I run my thumb slowly over his palm and he closes his eyes.
I never thought just holding someone's hand could be so intimate, yet as I watch Gaara's face I know this is much more than that. Am I really the first person in years to touch him like this? I think through what I know about him. His father is dead, and I've never heard anything about him having a mother. I wonder briefly about Kankuro and Temari, but I've never seen them as the loving types. Hasn't he had any friends during his life? I know he's cold and can come off as a bit frightening, but I know Neji and Sasuke are like that as well and have found ways to make friends. If he didn't have friends, I guess he has been truly alone this whole time. I can't imagine being totally and completely alone my entire life.
You don't have to be alone anymore if you just let me in.
The feeling of Lee's hand in mine is almost more than I can handle. I'm scared, terrified actually. Not of him of course, but of myself. If I lose control for even a second I could cause this dome to cave in on both of us and suffocate him. Or I could suck him into the ground and crush him. I just have to keep myself calm.
However, I actually am much calmer than I expected. A slight chill runs up my arm as he begins to rub my palm gently. His skin is warm and calloused. I like how rough his hands are though, because it's evidence of how hard he works in his training. My eyes are closed and all my other senses are focused on him. I can hear his steady breathing clearly in the small, enclosed space, and I can smell the forest scents lingering on his clothes from his home.
"How's that?" I hear his gentle voice ask softly, breaking through my deep thoughts. I open my eyes and look at Lee, who is clearly trying to figure out what I'm feeling. He watches my face closely with a small, concentrated, and concerned frown. The skin on his face is slightly red from the sand rash, but it suddenly looks so flawless to me. His round eyes are hypnotizing, and I'm starting to realize what's happening to me. I've never felt this way about anyone, yet it's happening with Lee, the taijutsu ninja of the Leaf.
I've never met anyone else like him. He's basically the exact opposite of me. Lee is heroic and is always willing to help anyone around him. He has dreams and aspirations, and so many reasons to live. The way he trains himself, pushing his body to the edge every chance he gets, is inspiring. He's self-sacrificing and stronger than anyone I've ever met, and yet he's pleasant to be around and has even made me smile once or twice. And lately I've been seeing his gentle side in everything that he does around me. The way he speaks to me and how he looks at me make me feel like I can do nothing wrong in his eyes, like I might actually not be a monster. And the way he's touching me now makes me want to feel his hands all over me.
"Good." I sigh, finally answering his question.
Absolutely perfect.
He smiles wide at my answer and I can't help but smile back at him slightly. Then to my dismay he lets go of my hand and begins to rewrap his bandages. I force myself not to look disappointed, but inside I just want to beg him to hold my hand again. I've never felt this way before, and all these emotions are rushing around in my head too fast for me to make sense of. All I know is that I don't want to ever be away from Lee. That much I know.
I watch him silently as he finishes wrapping his hand and then continues to rub ointment into the damaged skin on his face. I'm glad I remembered to pack it for him, because I wouldn't want his face to be scarred. He's too handsome.
After a few minutes, I notice that it is very quiet. Looking up, I see the clear blue sky reappearing through the small hole I left at the top of our little dome. It's time to move on and continue our journey.
"The storm is ending." I inform Lee. He looks up and then nods to me.
"Alright, we should get going then." He answers. I let the dome slowly blow away in the wind, disintegrating around us. The way he watches it happen around him in awe almost makes me chuckle. The way he reacts to everything I do is so…cute. I never thought I would be describing anyone like that, let alone Rock Lee. But these last few days have begun to change everything, and I think it's for the better.
After many hours of running through the desert we begin to pass by small shrubs and tufts of grass struggling to grow in the sand. We'll have reached the forest by nightfall. During our time running, Lee has been piping up periodically with random questions or statements, clearly trying to make conversation. At one point he asked me what my favorite food is, and he winced when I told him. Guess he's not much of a meat eater. However, when I asked him what his favorite food is, he launched into a lengthy and detailed story about a shop near his village called the Curry of Life Shop.
I couldn't help but chuckle at the fact that he ran so much that he was unable to wake up until the old woman and her son gave him curry so spicy it brought him out of his unconscious slumber. That seems like something Lee would do. The guy never knows when to give up. However, the story took an interesting turn when he described the incident that occurred the next time he visited that shop with his team and Naruto on a mission. I found myself listening intently, waiting to find out what happened next in the struggle against Raiga, one of the Seven Swordsmen of the Mist. The way Lee tells his stories is captivating, and I love watching his face as he gets excited about what he'll say next. I could get used to hanging around him and talking with him. I don't say much, but I never have been one to talk that often. I'm content listening to him go on and on, something that would probably bother me with most other people. With him however, it's intriguing.
"Look, the forest!" Lee shouts out next to me. Sure enough I look ahead and in the distance I see the large expanse of green that signals out passage into the Land of Fire. I look over at him and he's wearing a wide smile, and I am beginning to wonder if that smile of his is permanent.
"Sorry Gaara, I know you love the desert but I can't wait to be back under the trees. Can't get sand rash in there!" He jokes, and I give him a tiny laugh in return. Within minutes we are underneath the canopy, which makes the already fading light nearly disappear. I slow down to a walk and Lee does the same. I know I won't be able to sleep, but my body could use some rest from running all day. Besides, I know Lee will need his sleep.
"Would you like to make camp for the night?" I ask quietly, turning to him. He nods and stretches his arms up in the air.
"Yeah I'm pretty tired. We both could use some sleep." He says with a yawn. I grimace at the thought. What I'd give for a good night's rest. Lee takes a sleeping bag from his pack and lays it out next to the base of a large tree. We don't bother to make a fire because it's still extremely hot on the border next to the desert. It doesn't help that we are in the heart of summer right now. However, the heat has never bothered me because I'm so used to it, as most Sand Shinobi are. I carefully remove my gourd and lean it up against the tree between two large roots. Setting down my bag as well, I try to find a comfortable place to sit against the tree.
"Didn't you bring a sleeping bag?" I hear Lee ask from my left. I turn to answer him but my mouth runs dry before I can speak. He's lying on his stomach, propped up on his elbows, and has stripped to just the bottom half of his strange, green body suit. The top half pools loosely around his hips, and I can't help but take a good long look at his muscular back, shoulders, and upper arms. His skin, while covered in small, occasional scars, hugs his muscles closely. Even in the low visibility of the twilight I can tell how attractive his body is. I swallow and try to tear my gaze away from his lower back where the body suit unfortunately begins to cover him.
"Uh," I begin nervously, hoping he didn't notice me staring. I scratch the back of my head awkwardly, finding myself unable to concentrate when he's lying there like that, his big dark-brown eyes practically inviting me over. "I don't sleep very much." I answer finally. He gives one of his small, concentrated frowns.
"But you must be tired!" Lee exclaims, sitting up. I avert my eyes, but not fast enough to avoid getting a view of his sculpted chest. A small sigh escapes me, and I find myself longing for another moment like we had in the desert today inside the shelter of my sand dome. "Try training before bed sometime. That always puts me right to sleep." He offers his advice. I almost chuckle, imagining myself kicking and punching rocks and trees the way he does, day in and day out.
"It's not that I'm not tired enough. I'm very tired…" I trail off, unable to hide the desperate longing in my voice. I am so tired, and I know once Lee falls asleep the lonely feelings will begin to return. "I can't sleep because of Shukaku. It's too dangerous." I explain.
"Ah, the one-tailed beast." He says with a slow nod. "That makes sense…I'm sorry." He continues. Why is he apologizing?
"Why are you sorry?"
"Because I can't imagine never sleeping. It must be very hard for you." He says quietly. I nod in reply. Then before I can even say something, he's standing and picking up his sleeping bag. I watch him as he walks over to me and sets his sleeping bag down right next to me, plopping beside me and leaning back against the tree.
"I'll stay up with you." He says simply, giving me a large smile.
"Oh no, you don't have to Lee-san. You need your sleep." I argue, despite my liking of him being shirtless so close to me. Now is not the time for fantasies or longings. We're on a mission for goodness sake!
"If you can't sleep, I will stay up as well. It's only fair." He says. I'm about to argue, but I look at his face and see that he's already very tired looking. Even if he does vow to stay up with me, I'm sure he'll be asleep within the hour. There's no harm in humoring him, especially if it means I'll have less time alone tonight.
"Alright, thanks." I answer. He gives me a thumbs up and stretches out his legs in front of him. It's funny how immediately carefree he became once we entered the forest. I guess being in the familiar terrain makes him feel much more comfortable.
"So Gaara-sama," he starts, his head turned to me. I look at him, trying my hardest to keep my eyes on solely his face. It's so hard when right below his neck is his exposed body, practically calling out to me. I've never felt such a feeling in my entire life, and I try my best to suppress it. However, I can't shake the desire building up inside of me. "Tell me something about you I don't know." Lee says sleepily.
"What do you mean?" I ask, caught off guard by his question. He chuckles, smoothing down his hair with his fingers.
"I've been rambling on all day telling you all kinds of stories but I still don't know much about you."
"Well what do you want to know?" I ask. He shrugs silently and I begin to try to think of something interesting I could tell him. After all, Lee has been telling me amazing stories all day and I've only offered a listening ear. However, I don't have heroic adventure stories like he does. Most of the events in my life have been either uninteresting or painful.
"I don't have exciting stories like you do Lee-san." I admit.
"What kind of stories do you have then?" He asks, looking at me with that concerned frown again.
"Mostly sad stories." I say truthfully.
"That's okay. I don't mind if they help me get to know you better." He replies, trying to stifle a yawn unsuccessfully. Even though I know I'm being depressing and I know this won't make Lee like me more, a large part of me wants to tell him about the events of my childhood. I've never spoken about it aloud to anyone in detail, and if I'm ever going to it'll be with Lee.
So I begin to tell him everything, starting with how much I thought Yashamaru loved me. That man was everything to me, much like Lee's teacher is to him. As I explain everything that happened, he simply listens quietly and contently. Somehow he remains interested in my depressing story, despite my inability to describe accurately the feelings I experienced during it. How do you express a pain like that? But the words, however inadequate, fly from my tongue with ease. Telling him all of this is like releasing a weight that's been dragging me down for years. Just telling someone about my feelings and why I became the way I was, it's uplifting.
I find myself staring up at the sky as I talk, watching the stars through the small cracks between the dense leaves above us. They remind me that I'm still here on this Earth, and that this isn't a dream. I'm nearing the end of my tale and I find myself telling Lee everything about what I was feeling. If anyone would try to understand me it'd be him.
"After that is when I became hard and shut everyone out. I know now that it wasn't right, but at the time it was the only option I had. The ideal for me was suicide, but every time I'm in danger the sand armor automatically appears and protects me. I tried so many times and in so many different ways, but nothing worked. Once I started realizing that they only thing I was good for was killing people, I made that my life. There was nothing that could stop me once I got a whim in my head to end someone. It was all I knew…" I trail off, feeling almost embarrassed at the intimacy of the emotions I'm telling him.
"But then your friend Naruto convinced me that there are so many more things to live for. Realizing that snapped me out of it, and I decided that in order to give my life new meaning I would protect the Village Hidden in the Sand. And that's what I do now, and I have people who care about me. My siblings mostly…But I just wish that I would have figured it long before then. I'm not making excuses, but I think if I just had one friend back then, I would have been a completely different person. If one person had been able to love me, despite how unlovable I am, I would have found new meaning long ago." I finish, letting out a heavy sigh. Finally I turn to Lee, and to my ultimate dismay I find him unmoving with his eyes closed. Is he…asleep? A prickle of annoyance starts in my temple, but dissipates immediately as he suddenly turns to me and reveals his watering eyes.
"You're not unlovable Gaara-sama. I…" He trails off. I stare at him curiously, wondering if he'll say what I think he's going to say.
You…what?
"I think you're a really great guy, despite everything that you did. Because you more than make up for it now by serving your village and by being so respectable." He finishes, giving me a bashful smile. I grin back slightly, trying to fight off the disappointed feeling in my chest. What did I want him to say anyway? I almost shake my head, telling myself not to think of things like that. Getting my hopes up could crush me. I must love myself to make up for the love that others don't give. Haven't I learned by now, despite all the changes in my life, that I cannot depend on the love of others?
"Thank you Lee-san." I say quietly. He nods, and I can see that tiredness is weighing heavily on him. However, if I tell him to go to sleep he'll only fight it. His eyes are half closed, and for a minute I think he's about to fall asleep. But then he speaks suddenly.
"I wish we became friends earlier. Things could have been different if you and I were from the same village." Lee says quietly.
"Yeah, I guess they would have."
"I wouldn't have let everyone hurt you the way they did." He whispers, his breathing starting to become slow. He's falling asleep as we speak.
"I would have liked that." I answer, watching his eyes finally close. However, he's still hanging onto consciousness by a thread.
"At least I can protect you now." He says, his words slow and sleepy. I grin at that.
"Yeah, I'm sure you will Lee-san."
"I'll protect you until the day I die." He breathes, and I flinch at his words. Does he really mean that?
"Really?" I ask. However, he doesn't answer. Looks like he fell asleep finally. I lean back against the tree again, thinking over what he said. We just became friends and he already is making promises for a lifetime. I wonder if that's just a Lee thing. After all, he can get pretty intense sometimes, which to my surprise is something I've begun to like about him.
For a while I simply watch him sleep, enjoying the quaintness of the night sounds. The rise and fall of his chest is strangely comforting and I don't feel quite as lonely as I thought I would. I find myself closing my eyes periodically, and for a few fleeting moments I can pretend I'm asleep along side of him. Those moments pass of course, but they help make me feel almost normal.
However, after a few hours of still silence I begin to become restless. The loneliness is starting to rear its head like it usually does in the dead of the night, and I'm back to wondering when the sun will finally rise. Out here there is no time, no counting down of hours. I'm left with only the beating of my own heart and the quiet snores coming from my left to mark time. I turn to Lee, whose placid face is comforting in itself. Then before I can stop myself, I slip my hand into his. There's no fear this time, just curiosity. The warmth of his skin seeps through his bandages and into my hand, and I feel a calm pass over me. I may not be able to sleep tonight, but I'm fine sitting here with him in this newfound peace he gives me.