Author's Note:
Sorry, sorry, sorry! I've been really busy with school work these past few days and it's been hard to find time to sit down and write. This chapter has a lot to do with what's going on in Gaara's mind and how he's perceived in the Leaf Village. After this, things will start to pick up, I promise!
Now on to the story...
A bird lands on a wire outside my window, and for a moment I feel a peace come over me as I watch it closely. Sometimes I wish I could be as carefree as a bird, just flitting from place to place, enjoying the sun without a semblance of pain in my life. However, birds don't feel strongly like humans do. If I were a bird, I'd never get to feel the satisfaction I do every time I feel myself get stronger from a training session, and I'd never get to feel all the sensations I get from Gaara.
Over the last few days I've been in my bed, recovering as quickly as I can. It's slow, but at least I can sit up now. I need help to do it of course, but Gaara is always willing to slide his arms around me and gently lift me up when I need him to. He's been visiting as much as he can. He's been busy with meetings with Lady Tsunade and preparations for what he describes as a possible attack on the Hidden Leaf in the near future. That thought plants worry deep in my mind, but it is eased with every visit he pays me. At least twice a day he comes into my room, and while he is still mostly silent, I like having him there to talk to. I tell him stories of missions and experiences from my past, and he delights me with small laughs more often than usual.
It's hard to suppress my need for him every time he's there in front of me. His white skin looks so touchable, and I want to run my fingers through his bright red hair like I did when we first kissed. And oh his tempting lips; they are the hardest to resist. I would never want to pressure him, but every time he talks, I can't help but stare. The desire to pull him down to me grows stronger inside me with every visit, but is alleviated slightly before he leaves. Gaara ends every visit with a short, but sweet kiss. His lips caress mine gently, and every time I can hear his breathing speed up. Part of me wants to tangle my fingers in his hair and force him to stay here with me and continue to grace me with his affection. However, I restrain myself and allow him to lean back slowly, opening his eyes and giving me a small smile. Then he leaves and I'm left once again in the loneliness of my hospital room.
As if on cue, I hear my door open. I turn my head to the left, expecting to see Gaara's expressionless face enter the room. Instead, the smiling face of Sakura greets me, and she walks over and sets a flower on the table next to my bed. Memories of her visits years ago when I was hurt the first time by Gaara flood back into my mind. Every time I saw a new flower from her I cherished the thought in my heart that maybe, just maybe she felt something for me too.
"Hey Lee-kun, how are you feeling?" She asks, sitting in the chair that I've grown accustomed to seeing Gaara's slender form occupying. Usually, I would be nervous with her around me, trying to figure out a way to impress her or make her laugh. However, now I simply look at her and wonder why I tried to chase her around all those years. A distant pain arises in my heart, faded but still there nonetheless.
"I'm doing great, thanks for asking." I answer, giving her an honest smile. I can't be angry with her for not loving me the way I loved her. I was never oblivious to the way she looked at Sasuke before he left, but I simply tried to ignore it. Now I realize that the way she looked at him is the same way Gaara looks at me now. There's concern and care for my well being, and a slight fear of rejection, and a desperation to be close. But most importantly there's a happiness, no matter how strained, that shines through. No, I can't be angry with Sakura when all she did was see Sasuke the way Gaara and I see each other now. There's nothing wrong with that.
"I brought you a flower, like old times." She says with a grin. I turn my head and stare at the single white flower for a few moments. It's not like old times, not at all. But I still appreciate the gesture.
"I see. Thank you very much Sakura-chan." I reply, still gazing at the beautiful, solitary flower.
"You're welcome. I hope you like it." She starts, looking out the window thoughtfully. "I might have to start stocking up. Gaara-sama always seems to be putting you in the hospital." She says, turning back to me with a chuckle. I know she means it as a joke, but I can't help but feel slighted by the comment.
"It's not his fault. We've just had a few streaks of bad luck." I explain, trying to keep myself calm. I've always held politeness as one of my most important virtues, but when it comes to Gaara my whole demeanor can change in a heartbeat.
"Yeah, I guess it is bad luck that you keep ending up near the guy." She agrees, misunderstanding my meaning.
"No, that's not what I meant. He's a good person Sakura-chan. It wasn't his fault this time, and he would never hurt me intentionally anymore." I explain, trying to keep my cool still. She stares at me quizzically for a few moments, but then smiles and gets up.
"You always see the best in people. I wish I could be as nice as you are sometimes." She answers, tousling my hair slightly. "I've got to get back to Master Tsunade though. I'll visit you again soon!" She calls back to me as she walks to the door. Sakura stops as she almost runs into Gaara, who was just about to enter the room.
"Sorry." He mutters, stepping out of her way.
"I'm sorry, Lord Kazekage." She says respectfully, sliding past him. Then he walks into my room, closing the door behind him. My spirits lift immediately as he nears me, and all the frustration from Sakura's words vanish. After setting down his gourd he sits on the side of my bed silently, not looking at me but instead looking at the table next to my bed.
"A flower," He states quietly, almost as if he's asking himself a question. Then he turns to me. "Should I be getting you flowers as well?" He asks, his jaw tense. Distress is clear on his face.
"No, I just want to see you. That's the most important thing to me." I respond, trying to sit up. He wordlessly wraps his arms around me and gently lifts me, his expression not changing in the slightest. "What's wrong?" I ask, now sitting up. His hand passes over my face and begins to smooth down my hair.
"That girl messed up your hair." He answers quietly, and I see a glint of something new in his eyes. Is Gaara jealous?
"You don't have to worry about Sakura. She's just a friend." I explain, hoping to soothe the worry in his expression. He sighs, retreating his hand from my head.
"I may not be experienced, but I know that you used to have feelings for her. You made it as obvious as you possibly could during the exams. And now she's giving you flowers. That's a sign of affection anyway you look at it." He argues calmly, trying to hide the hurt he's feeling. I can see through it though, I always can. Gaara is so new to this, and so afraid of being betrayed. I have to remind myself that this boy is hurt more easily than others.
"I don't have feelings for her anymore, I promise. Even before this I stopped thinking of her in that way a while ago. She's just a good friend, and the flower was just a get well present. Friends do that for each other, like when Neji and Tenten dropped off my favorite meal for me other day." I try to make it easy for him to understand. Gaara has been cut off from relationships his entire life, and I understand that it's hard for him to see the dynamics of different kinds of bonds. He looks down, avoiding my gaze.
"Okay…I'm sorry." He apologizes.
"Why are you sorry?"
"I jumped to conclusions."
"It happens. And I can understand why you did." I answer, looking desperately into his eyes for even a slight decrease in the pain burning within them.
"I'm just not used to this yet." The redhead admits quietly. I nod, knowing exactly what he means. I too regularly worry about losing him. Despite our devotion to each other, it's almost hard to believe that he really feels the same way about me that I do him.
"We'll get used to it together." I say, giving him a reassuring smile. He grins back, finally letting himself relax a little. Gaara moves up to sit next to me, both of us leaning against the metal headboard.
"I have more news." He says, referring to the numerous updates I ask him to give me concerning the progression of the problems occurring around Konoha. We've come to know recently that the men who attacked the two of us were members of the elite organization that Lady Tsunade originally sent the message to Gaara about. The Anbu have been gathering intelligence constantly the last few days, and have come to the conclusion that the unknown group is trying to gain political power over Suna and Konoha. Investigations concerning the higher ups within our own village have started, because evidence has shown that they have inside connections with the Village. The whole situation is cause for great concern, and everyone has been preparing for battle lately.
"The Anbu spies gained intelligence last night suggesting that in a week's time there will be an attack on the village." He says solemnly. I swallow, looking down at the sheets covering my legs. For a moment my mind flashes back to the aftermath of the invasion of the Sand and Sound ninjas during the exam. The Third Hokage ended up dead, and many shinobi lost their lives as well during the struggle. Now that my friends and I have aged up and shoulder much more responsibility in the village, I can't help but wonder if those dear to me will be the ones possibly losing their lives this time.
"How big of an attack?" I ask. Gaara shakes his head in frustration.
"We have no idea, but we're preparing for the worst. I've sent for some of my best Shinobi from Suna, and they should be here in a few days to offer support." He explains.
"Thank you for doing that."
"We're allies, so of course I'll help in the Hidden Leaf's time of need." Gaara says simply. I wish he could see how I see him, noble and smart. He understands how to handle tough situations like this and always seems to make the right decisions. Everyone has been calling on him for meetings here lately because of his strong advice and fearless attitude. I sometimes wish I could be as respectable as him.
"You're a really great person, you know that?" I say, leaning my head on his shoulder.
"Thanks Lee-kun." He answers quietly, only tensing for an almost imperceptibly small moment at the touch. Gaara's eyes are out of focus, and I can tell he's deep in thought. I force myself to be quiet for once and let him think, simply enjoying his presence. His breath weaves through the hair on the top of my head and I settle into his side, enjoying the closeness of our bodies. Gaara usually just sits in the chair next to my bed, only holding my hand sometimes or brushing his fingers fleetingly over my face. However, now he's here next to me, and the feeling it gives me warms me up inside more than I ever dreamed it could.
"Gaara-kun…" I breathe, closing my eyes in relaxation.
"Hm?"
"Nothing. I just like saying your name." I admit with a grin. He's silent for a few moments, and then he leans his head on mine, his longer, auburn hair tickling my cheek softly.
"You're so cute." He finally says, and a huge, stupid smile spreads uncontrollably onto my face, along with blush. Never has he said anything like that to me. I turn my head and give him a small peck on the cheek, making him jump slightly, and his face turns pink as well.
"You're the cute one." I reply, and he stays silent. I don't mind how quiet Gaara is and how little compliments he offers up, because I know that's just his personality. However, when he does say things like this, it reassures me of his affection. I hope that in time he'll open up more to me like he is now. I love seeing him relaxed like this.
"Kazekage Gaara, we received a message not too long ago that your backup in on their way." Lady Tsunade exclaims as I enter her office, still looking down at her papers. I nod, coming to a halt in front of her desk.
"Good. I hope they will be of significant use."
"I hope we don't have to use them at all," Tsunade sighs, rubbing her temples. "But thank you again for doing this. You've been such a great help since you showed up. The whole Leaf Village thanks you." She says, looking up at me and forcing a smile. I can see how stressed she is, and the dullness of her eyes suggests she needs more sleep.
"Of course. The Hidden Leaf has helped us on many occasions. We're allies."
"I know, but I mean you personally are great to have around right now. You've turned out to be quite the leader." She explains. It almost sounds odd hearing such kind words come from the usually stubborn, older woman.
"Thank you." I respond, not used to hearing this sort of talk from anybody but Lee, and occasionally Gai. Maybe I'm actually starting to form friendships like Lee always says I can. I quizzically search her face for signs of it, not sure what I should be looking for.
"You should be thanking me, because I got you out of all the meetings for the rest of the day." She says with a smirk.
"Oh, but if I'm needed I don't mind." I say politely, hoping in my heart of hearts that she doesn't agree.
"You'll be needed plenty once your reinforcements arrive. I figured I'd give you a day off to rest and visit Lee while I still can." Tsunade offers. I try to restrain the blush that starts to arise at the mention of Lee's name. Thanking her, I bow with respect, mostly trying to hide my face. "There's no need to bow." She says loudly, waving me off. I nod and turn to walk out of her office.
"It's nice to see you two such close friends now, despite everything. The world could use more people like you two." She says to my back as I near the doorway. I pause, wondering if she really knows what's going on and is just playing with me. However, I guess it would be obvious to anyone with how much I've been visiting Lee that we're at least friends. I turn and give her a short smile before leaving.
As I'm walking down a main street on my way back to the hospital, I feel a heavy arm land upon my shoulders, suddenly and forcefully. Immediately, a vibrant fear rears up inside me and I duck out of the stranger's grasp and spin around to face them, my hands shaking with the effort of keeping my sand inside. Once again I come to face that yellow, spiky hair, framing a face accented with whiskers.
"Naruto." I try to say calmly between haggard breaths. Standing straight, I force the quaking of my gourd to cease, raising a hand to offer Naruto a small wave. I'm not used to all of these different interactions that encounter me endlessly here in the Leaf Village. In my mind I see myself as just coming off awkward.
"Whoa, are you okay Gaara?" He asks, tilting his head quizzically. I nod, swallowing down my initial reaction to the surprising encounter. My mind flits back to a conversation Lee and I had the other day. He said that he feels like he talks too much, and I said that I talk too little. That small frown of his appeared on his face, and he said that he thinks I'm afraid to say what I'm thinking. I nodded, admitting that as the truth. He sighed, leaning his head back, staring at the ceiling.
"I know it may be different over in the Sand Village, but here people will want to hear what you have to say."
"I'm fine, but could you please try not to startle me like that?" I ask politely, trying my best not to come off sounding demanding. Naruto, to my relief, lets out an embarrassed chuckle and scratches the back of his head.
"Oh, sorry about that! You know me." He says, beginning to walk along side me.
"Yes, the Leaf Village's number one unpredictable ninja." I say with a small chuckle. His face brightens at my comment and his raises two fists into the air.
"You got that right!" He shouts, smiling widely with his eyes closed. I watch him in amusement, thinking that he may even be more hyper than Lee is. Naruto resumes walking with me, talking and laughing loudly, attracting obvious attention from those walking the street. However, instead of being annoyed or averse, they all give him entertained glances, smiling before looking away. This boy, who's so similar to me in so many ways, has somehow made himself a place in this village. I've yet to meet a person who doesn't like him and look up to him. I know it's much to do with his personality, which is a stark contrast to mine, but I watch the boisterous boy out of the corner of my eye and wonder if he will want to hear what I have to say like Lee suggested.
"Hey Naruto, can I ask you a question?" I ask quietly. He stops babbling and turns to me with a nod. Here goes nothing. "How do you have so many friends?" I ask timidly, feeling the uncomfortable sensation of opening up to someone. Naruto's smile fades, and while I've never told him much about my life, he understands me more than anyone else ever could.
"I know it's hard to understand when you've been alone your whole life, but the people here have started to realize that I'm not just the beast inside me, but an actual person." He looks up at the sky, his feet slowing to a halt. We're now on a bridge that passes over one of the rivers that go through town, and I can feel the wind pick up in the empty air space away from the buildings. "Even though I felt alone for so long, I just kept trying. Once people got to know me, they didn't hate me. Now I have so many friends I can barely count them. I have teachers, people who I will always respect and look up to. And I have so many comrades, who I will protect with my life…It's all about not giving up." He finishes, leaning on the railing of the bridge, facing me. I look down at the river, watching the water pass by lazily. Why couldn't I have been more like Naruto?
"But I gave up for so long. I feel like it's too late to take it back." I sigh, feeling defeated. He slides next to me, looking out over the water as well.
"You can't take it back, but you can be forgiven. You'd be surprised how understanding people can be." He explains. I nod slowly, thinking about Lee's unconditional forgiveness for everything I did to him in the past. "Besides, you don't give yourself enough credit. You've already got friends here. I consider you my friend, and I know you and Lee are friends. You spend practically all your time with the guy." He continues. I nod again in agreement, not feeling embarrassed at the mention of my friendship with Lee this time. If Naruto knew, would it really be that bad? "And a lot of people like you around here, especially after hearing how much you've been helping us out this past week. Maybe we're just different than the people of your village, but we can tell a good guy when we see him." I tense, wondering if he truly thinks I'm a good person. Maybe I am now?
I close my eyes, trying to sort out my thoughts. All of my feelings have been changing constantly ever since Lee arrived in Suna, and now it feels as if all of my ideals are changing around once again. Naruto was the one who first made me realize I wanted to live for something bigger than just myself, but Lee made me realize that I want to also live for the people who I care about, and who hopefully care about me.
"Thank you Naruto." I reply softly. He smiles at me and stretches his arms.
"Also, I overheard some girls saying you're cute the other day!" He informs me, returning to his usual silly state. I sigh with mild amusement, waving off his claim and continuing my walk to the hospital. He follows, going on about how lucky I am and how he wishes girls thought about him the same way, mainly Sakura. Immediately my mind goes back to the pink haired girl who was leaving a flower for Lee. Perhaps I really don't have anything to worry about when it comes to her.
When we finally arrive at the hospital, Naruto departs, mentioning something about ramen. I wave goodbye to him and make my way into the large building. As I walk the hallways I rethink the conversation I just had. Do the people of this village really feel that way about me? I would have killed them all if Naruto hadn't stopped me back during the exams, and yet they've already forgiven me? Now that I think of it, people do not shy away from me in the streets like they do back home. In their minds I've proven myself as trustworthy.
If only I could prove that to the Sand Village.