A/N: I'M NOT DEAD!

Now that that's out of the way, time for some Pam eh?

Chapter 4: Chat With A Hat

I never did appreciate when Death turned me into a half-pint six year old, I wasn't that far into puberty admittedly, but when the things they teach you in school is 2+2=4, it gets grating after a while, plus most of the kids here believed in cooties, I wasn't able to snag a boyfriend or anything.

Kidding.

So you can imagine why I was a bit put off when I saw that Hermione was taller than me, when I used to be way taller, as well as being more developed.

Damn, why was I cursed with this cutesy baby fat of mine?

"Are you really that envious because of another's development?"

"Hey! To a woman, her assets are everything; my mature look was my highlight when I was twelve"

I heard some undead giggling before he continued, "Mature? You?"

"…you got something to say about my figure DD?" I thought with much venom.

"*Gulp* N-nothing at all!"

What a coward.

Hermione and me got changed quickly as funky voice from around the train told us that we were approaching Hogwarts, while we were changing, I couldn't resist teasing her slightly, no, scratch that, a lot.

"…I mean, sure Harry has the money and fame thing going down for him, but maybe you like the emotional types that aren't afraid to depend on you, maybe that's why you were helping Neville, or maybe you're into Ron for his red hair, they always say that they are the most passionate, and the kids are ultra-cute-

"PAMELA!" Shouted the brightest witch of her age as she blushed, "I-I'm not looking for a boyfriend or anything like that!"

"Oh…" I intone as I wrapped my hands around my body in a (fake) defenceless way, "Well, that explains a bit"

"Huh?" she asks, in a very unintelligent manner, around me, I guess it was bound to happen.

"Well, you did let me in here pretty easily, and you're not interested in guys, so does that me-

"PAMELA!" She screeched as she turned red enough to stop traffic, this time out of a little anger as well.

"I just need to guarantee my safety as a maiden" I said in a playful tone, I could tell that she was really mad now, so, with the rest of my uniform on, I hurried out of the compartment before she could hex me, and skipped off in merriment.

When I was a few metres away, Hermione followed me down the train, trying to calm down and keep the heat out of her cheeks.

She looked me up and down and her mouth dropped, "Pamela! You can't seriously be wearing that!"

"What?" I asked in mock curiosity,

"Y-you, you're not wearing the school uniform for girls for a start, and you changed the rest of it"

"There is no way someone will get me into a skirt, and no one wears those hats do they? I think they will look over a few things like this"

Hermione looked like she wanted to protest more, but we then got to the door and she shot me a 'we will talk later' look.

When we had cleared the masses, we immediately caught sight of the boys and re-joined them along with Mione, and then, towering over the rest of the students, was our favourite half giant, Hagrid.

Note to self; ask to get another Fluffy from him.

"Fris'-years! Fris'-years!" he called out, we gathered around him as did the rest of our year, Harry greeted Hagrid and the mini BFG took us all through a path and we got to one end of the lake, although something was off when Hagrid said no more than five to a boat.

"You might have been able to become good friends with Potter, but take every opportunity to get along with his other future companions; it will be useful later on to get the Hallows, so I arranged a few things to make this easier"

"Damn, you sound like a matchmaker or something"

"Till Death do you part, I always liked the phrase about relationships, so I like to begin one of them before making them part like the saying"

"Damn DD, you need a girlfriend"

"What made you suddenly think that!?"

I ignored the ranting of the disembodied voice in favour to admire the scenery.

The book doesn't do it justice, the place was beautiful, and I suddenly regret that I won't be able to see the place like this at night again…

Without breaking rules at least.

We went through the underground to the harbour in the books, we then continued on to the Great Hall, but not before Neville gets back his toad Trevor.

"Good for him I guess" Ron says as we walk up some stairs, "Still think he should have ditched it"

Hagrid then knocked on the castle door and we waited, for a millisecond, before Miss McGonagall strolled out, with an authority face that said, buzz kill.

I am so hyped right now.

Luna was my favourite female character, but my favourite teacher was McGonagall, I had to resist another fangirl scream as the bubble would have been too noticeable right now.

"…I will take them from here" I heard her intone, I snapped out of my thoughts and followed her along with the others to the Great Hall, everyone didn't talk much because they were nervous, I on the other hand, was singing one of my favourite songs quietly.

"Doo-be-doo-be-doo-ba, Doo-be-doo-be-doo-ba, Doo-be-doo-be-doo-ba, Doo-be-doo-be-doo-ba"

"Perry!" I said slightly louder, catching the attention of my friends and a few others,

"He's a semi-aquatic, egg-laying mammal of action" as I sang, Harry sighed while Hermione and Ron looked at me weirdly.

"He's a furry little flatfoot, who'll never flinch from a fray-ay-ay!"

"He's got more than just mad skill; he's got a beaver's tail and a bill!"

Pretty soon, everyone within a metres radius was staring at me as I sang; I pay them no mind as I finished the rest of my song.

"And the women swoon, whenever they hear him say!"

I then placed the tip of my wand that I had in my hand towards my mouth and I perfectly imitated Perry's platypus sound that left anyone who wasn't staring at me like I was crazy to think I was insane.

I love magic.

"He's Perry! Perry the Platypus!"

I am sure, that if this was one of my brother's anime's, that everyone would have face planted at platypus, or did the sweat drop thing, all I heard however was a slight cough and I realized that we weren't moving anymore, I looked up to see McGonagall's face looking at me from in front of the entrance to the Hall, even if she looked at my sternly, I could see a little amusement in her eyes.

"Now that you have finished, can I properly introduce you all to Hogwarts?" I knew the only answer was yes professor, but I decided to mix it a bit.

"Right O Prof!" I nearly shouted with a smile, she shakes her head slightly with a frown, no doubt connecting me to the Weasley duo,

"And also no magic outside of the dormitories and classrooms, but good Transfiguration magic at any rate, changing your voice is quite advanced indeed"

I smiled at the compliment and she smiled back a little, before turning back to the rest of the students to give her speech.

I tuned out a little as I bounced on my heels a little with excitement, I thought through the not so well known students from the books and looked around, I managed to pin a few names to faces, such as Daphne Greengrass and Susan Bones, but it was kind of hard to know the rest of them.

"The Sorting Ceremony will take place in a few minutes in front of the rest of the school; I suggest you smarten yourself up as much as you can while you are waiting"

Giving a disproving glance at the messy suspects (Ron and Neville) and turned back to the door behind her.

"I shall return once you're ready, please wait" looks at me, "quietly until then"

A few sniggers from the crowd, but I just smirked proudly before beating my chest with one arm, "Right O prof, scouts honour!"

She sighed and left, leaving everyone to worry about for what house they will be in.

"Hogwarts, Hogwarts, hoggy hoggy Hogwarts, teach as something please!"

"Oh SHUT UP, it is bad enough I had to be subjected to that Platypus song before, I don't need to suffer alone now"

"Well you heard what she said, I have to be quiet"

"And I am telling you to be silent!"

"Party pooper…"

"Pam" I turned to look at Harry giving me the eye, as in the, 'you have done this so many times I am not surprised' eye.

"Seriously, can you not sense the mood once?"

I knew Harry was very easily influenced when it came to things like other people, when others are nervous, you are nervous, so I guess I was his polar opposite in the way, I looked around and said, "They all seem happy to me"

True enough, I broke some of the tension people had and they were chatting quietly with each other, some even chuckled at a joke told by another.

Harry shook his head, "I swear, you can make a graveyard happy with your attitude" he then turned to Ron, "So, how do you get sorted?"

"Some sort of test, I think, Fred says it hurts a lot, but I don't believe him"

I jumped in, "I don't think that parents would send us here if the test hurt us at all"

"See, that's what I thought as well, plus he had that stupid smirk on his face when they said it, I knew they were lying"

Harry looked slightly worried as he looked at the door, no doubt he would have been much more scared if I didn't teach him a trick or two.

I looked at Hermione, she was rapidly speaking through the spells she knew at breakneck speed, I knew a majority of them, and a few she didn't, because I made them myself really but that doesn't count.

I wondered who would get the better score in the tests in the future.

We then heard screaming behind us and all of a sudden numerous ghosts popped out of the walls,

"Wicked!" I shouted as I looked at them, I was sure I saw the Bloody Baron with his silver stained clothing pass by, as well as the Grey Lady.

"So Death, how does it feel to be cheated so many times here?"

"Mm? Oh, you mean the ghosts, they are only a copy of the actual living person really, like an echo in a cave, they aren't really cheating me so to speak, whenever Hell, Heaven, Purgatory or Earth, if they are dead, their dead"

"Huh, so what about Horcruxes?"

"On the weekends I torture the man, who invented Horcruxes in the first place, with great glee, let's put it like that"

Scary.

And who else greeted us than Nearly Headless Nick, his head slightly wobbling on its balance.

"Welcome to Hogwarts" he said to us in passing, as floated on to the next room,

Well, that was underwhelming.

"You would do the same if you were over a century old; he must have done this at one hundred times before your body here was even born"

I hate it when he's right.

McGonagall came through the doors again, and we all stood at attention.

"Form a line and follow me now" she said as the rest of the ghosts disappeared, anxiety settled in again as we did what we were told, the doors opened and we went through them.

The place was definitely brilliant, I loved all of the candles and stuff, but I wonder were the dripping wax goes; it would be painful if it landed on someone.

Looking up, the ceiling was star filled just like the book, the twinkling lights shining overhead.

"It's bewitched to look like the sky outside" Hermione whispered beside me, "I read it in Hogwarts: A History"

"It's cool, I wonder if I can do the same to my bedroom"

"You can't, it would take a very powerful wizard to do the charm, maybe you can hire someone"

"Maybe, but I am a more DIY person"

She will be begging me to teach her the spell if she ever visits my room after school,

A small stool was placed In front of everyone by McGonagall; on top of it was the Sorting Hat.

"Ugh, I never liked it"

"What? You have history with the hat?"

"Not really, you see, the hat is the combined personalities of the four founders, at least at first, and then it turned a bit dull after so many years of having no social experiences after the founders passed away, not many people really just talked to it to talk to it, Salazar had a little immortality obsession, so he thought this was like living on forever, it was really closer to giving birth, but it still made me angry the man thought he would live forever even when he died and went to Heaven"

"Wait, he went to HEAVEN!"

"Of course he did, not all Slytherin's become Demon playthings, just like all Gryffindor's don't get wings of light, the one you call Wormtail is a perfect example of this"

"How did that guy get in the first place?"

"People change Joy, it doesn't help that the hat itself seemed to have inherited that immortality obsession of his, I heard him mock me in his head whenever I visited Hogwarts for business, it stopped after a while, but I still hate it"

"Abbott, Hannah!"

I cut my conversation with DD to listen to McGonagall; I must have missed the hat song before.

"HUFFLEPUFF!"the hat shouted, the little girl then hurried off to her seat with a grin and the list continued.

Lots of other names were called; Ron groaned a little when Hermione was put in Gryffindor, I guess the Halloween episode was going to happen then.

"Joy, Pamela!" mine was out, cool, time for some sorting.

I practically danced to the hat, with slides and some skipping, before jumping backwards to sit on the stool, McGonagall gave me a look and placed the Sorting Hat on my head, blocking my sight a little, but I could still see a little.

"Very interesting" He said in my head, "You have a mission here of a sort, not of this world and the like, not to mention from Death himself, you have an interesting time ahead of you"

"You should know, considering you can see the book series in my head"

"Indeed I can, I am not looking forward to burning on the seventh, can you have a bucket of water on standby please?"

"Sure" I said out loud, everyone looked at my curiously.

"Better keep this conversation under the hat, as the case may be" I heard a lot of chuckling in my brain,

"Bad pun" I said out loud again, "Do you have a conversation with every person sorted?"

"Well you are just that interesting"He says out loud as well, a few people blinked owlishly at us having a chat, and I am sure I heard Harry do a face plant in the crowd.

The hat seemed to turn a little towards McGonagall to the side of me.

"Sorry about this, won't take a minute"

I didn't hear anything so I assumed she nodded,

"So, is he there with you?" the Hat asked again.

"Yes I am" DD said with a regretful tone.

"Huh, to think you were an actual person, if you hadn't send Miss Joy here I would have thought nothing more than you being another thing I can't achieve, and to think I gloated in my head 24/7 about immortality, that must have been killing you"

"Yes, I am sure you were dying to meet me"

"Stop with the stupid puns!" I said loudly, not caring about everyone else in the room, the puns must stop dammit!

"I suppose we should finish this then, so, Gryffindor huh? You actually fit it rather well, but to be honest, Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff is also a good option, but of course that's not where you would want to go, so I suppose the only thing I can say is"

"GRYFFINDOR!"

The said table exploded in cheering and whistling, I smiled widely and made my way to the table after the Sorting Hat was taken off, but halfway there, I stopped, as an afterthought I turned to the hat.

"Hey, is it okay I can talk to you every now and then when you're not busy?"

The hat grinned widely "Whenever you want Miss Joy, the password is Liquorice Wands by the way, you know where I am"

I smiled in return and went to my seat, which coincidence enough was right next to the Twins and Hermione.

"You actually talked with the hat?" asked Hermione with wide eyes, "I thought it was only made to sort people, not talk to them"

"Well it goes to show Hermione, you can't judge a book from his cover, or a hat by his seams" I rubbed my head, "Damn, I think his stupid puns are rubbing off me"

"His?" asked George from the other side of the table, along with Fred next to him,

"Well, yeah, he sounds like a he, doesn't he?"

They both shrugged.

"I think I am going to have to get used to all this" Hermione mumbles beside me, "I mean, it seems that you are weird, even in wizard and witch standards"

"Hey! We resent that mark!" The twins said together,

"Yeah Hermione, you are a witch too, you should know how insulting that is for them" I grinned as the twins took two seconds to realize the insult,

"Now that-" George,

"-wasn't very nice" Fred,

"I know" I smiled sweetly.

"Are you forgetting something?" DD droned in my head,

"What?" I asked back as I noted with glee that Malfoy had a broken nose.

"The power I was going to give you this year? Remember?"

"Oh, okay then, well, my memory isn't doing well, I need to remember the details of the books to get by this, so I want an eidetic memory, I can remember anything, what date it happened, and basically word from word in the book"

"Hn, a bit underwhelming, but okay then, don't flinch"

I felt a slight sting ALL over my brain and I struggled to keep a straight face, and then it was all over, breathing a sigh, I suddenly noticed I remembered my old home in perfect clarity, even the jam stain that Darren hadn't cleaned up while making sandwiches, then everything in the books, word by word of the speech Dumbledore would be giving later, and more.

But damn it did sting.

"I'll be gone till tomorrow, an oil mining accident happened and a bunch of tricky souls died, I need to sort through them for a few things, have fun in Hogwarts till then"

I mentally nodded and looked up to see Harry coming up, after a little time on his head, the hat shouted out Gryffindor and he sat with me, looking relieved but a little pale, no doubt thinking that he could have been put in Slytherin, I congratulated him and we settled down for a feast after everyone else was sorted, Harry kept on telling me that only I could make a magical artefact talk to me about the weather and I said it was rich coming from the Dark Wizard killer at one year old, we were then given Dumbledore's speech and taken to bed by the Prefects, and I collapsed in mine with glee, until Mione nagged me out to put on my PJ's, and then I fell on my bed to sleep.

And tomorrow would be a great day, oh yes it will, especially since I have all my know-how on magic so flawlessly perfect in my head, I will enjoy the day immensely.