I'm the first to respond, my doctor-instincts kicking in as I kneel beside Frost with my purse full of medical equipment. Jane and I both catch a glimpse of the shooter barreling down the nearest alleyway. She looks at me completely conflicted, obviously deciding whether to help her partner or to get the man who did this.
"GO!" I call out the decision for her, and no sooner than I say it she is running down the street. A man who came out of the restaurant after us calls 911 for me as I go through the basics. Airway, Breathing, Circulation. Frost's eyelids flutter slightly when I lean over his mouth to listen for breath.
"Doc..." His voice is so weak that it pains me.
"You're going to be alright, Barry." I feel for a pulse and find that it is very faint. I push my entire weight onto the gunshot wound that is his chest. Warm blood surges through my fingers with every beat of his heart, and I realize that an artery must have been penetrated by the bullet. Oh God...I have to focus all my energy on counteracting my desire to vomit. This is my friend's blood...this is my friend's life that's in danger.
"Doc...Thanks for always being such a great friend...Tell Jane and Korsak that, too...and Frankie...Don't know what I'd do...without y-you..." He is struggling to breathe now, looking into my eyes pitifully. I push even harder onto the wound, crying out as I realize that his pulse is weakening.
"Barry! Barry, don't you leave me! The Paramedics will be here soon!" A final pulse of blood comes out of the wound, coating my hands, arms, and skirt and pooling at my knees. The flow stops as Frost's eyes roll back in his head. "BARRY, NO!" I grip his chin with my hand and shake him back and forth, finding a faint pulse that indicates the probable termination of oxygen going into the brain but that he is still alive. I hug him tightly while I press on the wound. The paramedics come at about that time, taking him away from me and loading him into the back of the ambulance.
I feel myself sliding back onto my knees from where I had stood on them to examine Frost. I hear Jane run up and try to talk to me, but I just stare off into the sidewalk where Frost's blood has already started to turn a deep, blackish burgundy from drying in the cement. I estimate he's lost about two liters of blood, most of it being stained into my clothes and on my body from my neck down to my knees. I finally process the words that Jane is saying, since she is repeating herself for the third time as she crouches down beside me.
"Maura, we need to go to the hospital." She tries to help me up, but I refuse her assistance. I simply get up and meekly climb into the back of Korsak's unmarked while Jane gets into the front, hating myself for knowing that Frost isn't going to make it and hating the fact that I didn't save him.
"Detective Frost is still in surgery...We're doing everything we can...We'll let you know when we get more results." Korsak is comforting Frost's family while Jane is talking to the doctor. I know those responses are just to make everyone feel better...I sit away from everyone else, behind another wall so that Frost's family members cannot see me. I cannot bear to look at them right now. I wrap my arms around myself, letting tears stream my face but refusing to make any sound. I don't deserve anyone's sympathy...My own incompetence cost Frost his life. I lean over with my hands over my eyes and my elbows on my knees, crying my heart out with my body shaking with each sob. Just like Frost's body shook when his artery was severed and his blood poured out of his body onto my hands. I feel the layer of blood that is still all over my body, and I suddenly feel nauseated with myself. I should have been shot, not Frost. He's actually a good person. This truth is perfectly illustrated in the literal and metaphorical blood that my hands are caked in.
I don't hear Jane when she walks up and sits beside me. I only realize her presence when she wraps her arms around me and pulls me close to her. She whispers into my ear "It's over." Frost's dead...Now I cannot even mute the sound of my bawling as I cling to her arm that comes in front of my neck, sobbing loudly with my eyes squeezed shut. I pray that if there is a God that He will trade out the life of Frost for my own. It's clear who deserved to live and who truly deserved to die.
Oh Maura...I bury my head into her neck as I let her get out all of her sadness. The sadness that I feel within my own heart is amplified when I see it in my beautiful best friend. True, I've always been prepared to lose my partner in the field, but Maura's pain is making this practically unbearable.
When her heart-breaking cries are reduced to quiet hiccups, tears still streaming her face, I help her stand up and let her put basically all of her weight onto me, my arm around her waist. "Ma brought you some clothes to change into..." I can barely look down at her body, seeing how the blood on her clothes looks almost black now and how her skin is tinted with red. She nods solemnly, gripping my hand tightly with hers as I lead her to an empty hospital room that we are allowed to get her cleaned up in.
I lock the door behind us when we get in there, wordlessly helping her undress down to her underwear. She goes into the bathroom to scrub the dried blood off while I bag up her clothes and get out her new ones. She comes back shivering but blood-free. I act as a mother would, pulling one of her favorite emerald green sweaters over her shoulders and helping her get her arms into it. I then help her into her black yoga pants and shoes and drape my jacket around her shoulders. She looks at me gratefully, standing like an insecure and sad puppy.
We just wait there, studying each other for a moment before she rushes into my arms. She clings to me tightly, and I can feel her unceasing trembling. I pull back to press my lips to her cheek, making full contact and holding my position for a minute or so.
Her voice is broken, but she finally speaks, it being the first time she had for the past four hours. "Will you still come home with me? I-I can't b-be alone..."
"Of course, Maura...of course." I kiss her cheek again before taking her hand and leading her out of the hospital. She clutches my hand desperately, tears still trickling periodically out of her eyes.
"Thank you..." I whisper quietly as Jane hands me a cup of decaf coffee and sits on the other side of the couch. Silent petitions and yearnings circulate through my brain, all of which are filled with the desire that Jane might hold me again.
"Anything for you..." She coos as she says it, pulling my legs onto her lap. If it weren't for Angela just steps away preparing food in the kitchen, I would love to continue our conversation from earlier, just to get my mind off of...Frost. I take a few sips from my coffee and set it down, curling up underneath my blanket to where I'm resting my head on the back of the couch. Jane gently strokes her hands up and down my legs, looking into my eyes with a sad smile on her face. I admire how she has stayed so strong in all of this...I reach out silently, taking her hand in mine and pressing a kiss to it like she had done to mine earlier. She's got to be hurting too, and look at me...being so selfish.
"I'm sorry, Jane." I maintain a barely-audible volume as I release her hand, wrapping my arms around my torso. "You don't have to stay tonight. I'm being ridiculously self-centered."
"Self-centered? Maura, that doesn't make any sense..." When she sees that her disagreement with me is bringing tears to my eyes, she shifts out from under me and kneels directly in front of me. I try to look away as tears fall down my cheeks, but she forces my gaze back to meet hers with a hand on my cheek. "You cannot possibly think of any of this as your fault, can you?" She doesn't say it in an accusatory manner but instead one of high-concern. When I do not answer, simply closing my eyes and keeping them shut, she puts her hands on my shoulders to emphasize her next point. "Maura, you did what you knew to do: you tried to save your colleague, and by golly if you didn't do an amazing job...Obviously Frost didn't make it, but there's no way on earth that that is your fault." She strokes my cheeks with both of her hands now, running her fingers under my eyes whenever new tears appear.
"But Jane..." I sob quietly right when I make my next statement. "Here I am having you and your mother take care of me like I'm incapable of doing that myself, and you're hurting just as much as I am." My face crumples up and I sob again. Angela asks what's wrong, but Jane quickly shushes in the most-polite way possible.
"Maur, you're right, I am hurting. A lot. But right now, you're my top priority. I'm dealing with my problems in my own way and time, don't worry about that, but right now I'm focused on you. You're my best friend and probably the person whom I'm the closest to on this planet, and honestly, it disturbs me how no one has been there for you your entire life...I guess I just want to show you that I do care about you and love you…and that you don't have to do everything by yourself." Her absolutely-heartfelt response drives me to more tears, but these ones are of joy. I throw my arms around her as she lies down on the couch, pulling me against her with my head on her chest as I finally empty myself of tears. She strokes my hair gently, making calming noises and assuring me that everything is okay.
After a few moments, Angela walks over to see us cuddled on the couch. She smiles lovingly down at us, putting a platter on the coffee table. "I made you two some soup..." She reaches down and holds one of my hands and one of Jane's. "Just so you two know...I approve." She leans over and kisses Jane's head and then mine. "And I love you both. Good night." She smiles again at us before walking out the door to the guest house.
Jane chuckles softly, laying her head on top of mine while I cuddle my body on hers. "I suppose even Ma is picking up on what you told me at lunch." I giggle too, the first time in what feels like is forever, even if it's only been a few hours. So much has happened today...She pauses for a few seconds before continuing. "But I don't care if you don't care..."
I turn my head to look into her eyes. "I don't care either..." With that, I lay my head back down on Jane's chest and fully accept the warmth and security that she emanates.