Title: If You Have Something to Say
Rating: Definitely, officially, M. Lots of profanity, mentions of suicide, and loads of not-really-too-explicit sexual content, pretty much all of which concerns a minor (seventeen is still underage, kiddies). Also teen partying, whatever that means.
Disclaimer: Don't own, don't sue.
Summary: In which it takes Axel seventeen years, several months, and one week of tormented sleep deprivation to say the words he should have said the first time he ever laid eyes on the blond. (AU)
Word count: 17.4K. Oops?
Author's Note: So this is the spawn of the first line randomly popping into my head mixed with an excuse to up my WPM when I type. It also happens to be the longest thing I've ever written that wasn't supposed to be really long, so you're welcome. *shrugs* I had fun writing it, and I hope you have fun reading it!
So how do you tell somebody that you love them when you only just realized that you do? And really should you even tell them? I mean let's be realistic, when you've known somebody as long as Axel had known Roxas, did you really just walk up to them one day and say "Hey man, I know we've always been just friends, and by the way I do really mean always, since I've literally known you since birth, and a couple of compromising photos and a few awkward dreams later I've suddenly realized that I think I've been in love with you since the day you were born. Except not in like a creepy Jacob-from-Twilight way." Yeah, no way that could go wrong. But I'm getting ahead of the story…
Axel drove up to his best friend Roxas's place as the small blond ran across the lawn. He vaulted over the side of Axel's beat-up hand-me-down secondhand Mustang convertible (aka Axel's fucking baby), landing awkwardly in the backseat area while yelling "go, go," and Axel floored it. When they finally slowed down, eight blocks and three stop signs later, it was to peals of Roxas's laughter as he attempted to buckle himself into the backseat. Axel snorted as he flipped his pack of Marlboros open and pulled out a cigarette. "Dude, one of these days we're gonna get arrested for this shit." Roxas apparently had decided to forgo the seatbelt and hopped up into the front passenger seat instead, his eyes settling on Axel's hands as the redhead lit his cigarette. Axel's voice interrupted Roxas's reverie. "Don't even think about it, shrimp. You will lose every game of keep away, every fucking time."
"Don't come crying to me when you get cancer, then. I won't come to your funeral."
"Your concern is touching, truly." Axel took a deep drag off his cigarette and exhaled slowly. "But you know you'd be the one jumping tearfully down onto my coffin, like something out of Shakespeare or some shit like that."
"Asshole."
"Whoo hoo hoo, where'd the little private school kid learn a word like that?"
"Listening to you, fucker." Roxas retorted.
Axel let out a little snort and ruffled the other boy's blond hair. "You're fucking adorable when you try to act like a badass, kid."
It was true. While Axel, with his array of piercings and tattoos, had a whole naturally badass thing to him, Roxas had the whole cornfed All-American prep-school-kid image on lockdown. Looking at the two of them side-by-side, it was pretty much unbelievable that the two would have even met, much less that they could consider the other to be their best friend. I mean, what would they even talk about? Of course, it was completely true that had they met in the last five years they wouldn't have even been friends. Maybe not even if they'd met in the last ten years. No, they had met seventeen years ago, on the day Roxas had been born.
How did that happen, I hear you ask? Axel's mother Tifa and Roxas's mother Aerith were best friends. They had been since they were kids. Of course, Axel's mom had gotten pregnant by some asshole fratster in college and dropped out to be a single mom to Axel, whereas Roxas's mom, in her very traditional way, had gotten a degree and a husband before she had gotten pregnant with Roxas. Her very, very planned only child.
This, of course, explains both Axel's presence at Roxas's birth and the five year age difference between the two boys, but not so much how the two ended up being friends though Axel could legally drink and Roxas couldn't even enter a bar with Xs on his hands. It may have been that kids just don't have the same kind of prejudices about age that teens do, but it was probably mostly the fact that Axel's mom and Roxas's mom had seen each other so much while the kids were growing up that the two were forced to be friends. You can't really see someone three times a week, fifty-one weeks a year (that's one hundred and fifty three times a year, for those of you who are bad at math) without learning to at least tolerate each other.
Then there was the fact that on the day of his tenth birthday Axel had walked into his apartment to find his mom's dead body hanging in the kitchen. The weeks after that were a surreal blur to Axel even now; he remembered hearing the words "been depressed for so long" "amazing she kept it together for that long" "her son was the only thing keeping her going" but to this day they still barely made sense to him. All he remembered with any clarity was holding the tiny hand of five-year-old Roxas, who barely understood death but knew that Axel was hurting, as he looked down at his mom's dead body in her coffin; that pressure and warmth, as tiny as it had been, was all that held him together.
Aerith had taken him in after that, hadn't even thought twice about it. But Axel was an orphan from the wrong side of the tracks; he swore and he swiped liquor from Aerith and Cloud's liquor cabinet and he came home with a new piercing every other month. When he turned thirteen, Aerith and Cloud had tried to send him to military school to straighten him out, and Axel ran away instead. He lived by himself on the streets for a few weeks before he called Roxas on a payphone so the eight year old wouldn't worry; Roxas of course promptly spilled the beans and Cloud came to get him. There would have been more fighting about military school and Axel's behavior, but that was right around the time that Axel's cousin Reno blew into town; Reno was twenty-seven (Tifa had been a late accident) and decided to swing through Twilight Town on his way up to Destiny Islands, figuring he'd look up his aunt on his way.
No one had told him Tifa was dead, or even that she'd had a kid. Axel's grandparent's had disowned her way back when she'd gotten pregnant, so word of Axel's existence hadn't exactly spread.
But Reno knew enough to look up Aerith when he couldn't find Tifa. Aerith had answered the door when he came to the house, burst into tears when she recognized him. She'd sat him down in the living room and offered him a cup of tea, explaining tearfully about what had happened to Tifa. Axel wandered through the room and raised a pierced eyebrow at the stranger and the sobbing Aerith. Reno took one look at Axel and declared he was taking the kid with him. No one even had to tell him they were related, Reno just knew.
Aerith was concerned about the negative influence Reno might have on Axel, but she was a lot more concerned with Axel having a bad influence on Roxas, which (let's face it) seemed a lot more likely. So she let Axel go without a fight. The same could not be said about Roxas, who cried (even though at eight being a crybaby is a capital offense) and begged Axel not to go, or to take him too. Axel hugged the smaller boy fiercely and promised to send him letters, even if Roxas didn't write back. Roxas steeled his face into the sternest possible expression an eight year old can and replied that nothing would stop him from writing, even if Axel didn't write back. And so the two parted ways.
Axel liked it with Reno; he bought Axel beer and cigarettes and took him to travel the country with him. Reno didn't give two fucks what Axel did, so long as he stayed on top of his GED coursework - Axel had tried to get an attitude about it once, and the associating guilt trip and silent treatment meant that he never said another word about it. And Axel found, for the first time in his life, that when Aerith wasn't breathing down his neck he actually kind of *liked* school. It wasn't so bad when you could set your own pace. And when Axel decided he wanted a purple teardrop tattooed on his left cheek, in honor of his mom, Reno not only drove him to the tattoo parlor, he paid for it. Everything was going well for Axel, until the day Reno didn't come back to the motel they were staying in that week. That was the day Axel learned what his cousin did for a living, and that sometimes marks hire their own hitman to protect them. Axel paid for the second teardrop himself.
By then, though, Axel had earned his GED and had a hell of an admissions essay; he scored a full ride to HBU, one of the top colleges in the country. So he threw the duffle bag containing everything he owned in the back of Reno's Mustang convertible and drove to Radient Garden, a thousand miles away from home. Axel said he was bettering himself, while Roxas insisted he was running away. Axel wouldn't admit it, but Roxas wasn't entirely wrong - he wasn't ready to face home yet. He did fly Roxas out to visit him over two different long weekends, but after the second time Roxas declared that the door swings both ways, dammit, and if Axel wasn't going to come visit than Roxas wouldn't visit him either. Axel's response to this was that Roxas was only just thirteen and if he already swore like that then God forbid what Aerith would do if she saw Axel. Roxas flipped him off, but he dropped it. Axel didn't go visit. But they kept writing each other. Stupid letters, serious letters, letters that were complete nonsense to everyone but them.
Axel wrote Roxas when things went south with his first girlfriend. Roxas wrote Axel when he was afraid he might like boys the way he was supposed to like girls (Axel assured him that this was okay).
Axel wrote Roxas when the stress from finals was threatening to overwhelm him and told him he missed him like a physical presence. Roxas wrote Axel when Aerith walked in on him and his boyfriend Hayner and she cried and told Roxas she had never been so disappointed (Axel assured Roxas that she would get over it eventually).
Axel wrote Roxas one night when he was lying in his bed feeling more alone than he ever had in his life and he told Roxas that sometimes the only thing that kept him going was knowing that Roxas was out there and that was part of why he was afraid to go home, because what if Roxas had changed somehow? Axel never sent that letter.
Roxas sent Axel a letter without using a single letter "e." Axel sent Roxas a letter in which every sentence could be ended with "that's what she/he said."
Roxas sent Axel a letter lamenting his own inadequacies when he found out Hayner was cheating on him with the school's resident bully. Axel sent back a letter stating vehemently that Roxas was perfection and this Hayner kid was the one with the problem. Axel never knew how much that letter helped Roxas because Roxas opted not to send the letter that mentioned that whenever he doubted himself he pulled that letter out of its special place in his wallet and reread it.
And Axel's time at university passed like that; far too quickly for Axel, not nearly quick enough for Roxas. Almost before Axel knew it, he was walking across a stage to receive the degree for his Chem E/Comp Sci double major with a minor in English lit. No one in the audience was there for him, because he didn't tell Roxas he was graduating.
It took him another eight months post-graduation to get up the nerve to go home. He'd landed a paid internship at a little programming firm in Twilight Town, D.i.Z., and the owner, Ansem, had assured him that if he showed potential it was very likely that the internship would turn into a permanent position. Axel wasn't sure how he felt about that at first, but when Ansem mentioned that they were planning to expand to a nationwide level soon he had breathed easier. He'd put down a deposit on a two-bedroom apartment uptown, not far from Aerith and Cloud's. He finally ran out of reasons to prolong the inevitable, and when Axel drove through the Twilight Town city limits he had just turned twenty-two, having not seen the little city in just shy of nine years.
He hadn't told Roxas he was coming yet. In fact, he hadn't seen Roxas in a little over four years, and he was just slightly scared. Okay, he was absolutely terrified that things would be different and he wouldn't fit in the younger boy's life anymore. Letter writing was one thing, people had pen pals that they didn't even like. What if, when faced with the reality of a chain-smoking, visibly-tattooed, swears-like-a-sailor Axel, Roxas realized that the other man didn't belong in his perfect sheltered little life?
It was a week and a half after Axel started work that he finally got up the courage to drive over to Roxas's and knock. It was a Thursday, Axel was dimly aware, and it must have been around 5:20, judging by when Axel left work. But mostly all he was aware of was the blood pounding in his ears and the mounting terror curling in his chest. Aerith answered the door. She took one look at Axel and burst into tears, wrapping him up in her arms. After her initial sobbing subsided, Axel managed to ask her if Roxas was home. Roxas was at lacrosse practice, she informed him, but his friend Sora usually dropped him off around six. Would Axel like to stay and catch up while he waited? She had just taken a batch of her peanut butter and chocolate chip cookies out of the oven. Aerith had always made the best damn cookies; Axel agreed to stay.
Aerith looked impressed when he told her about his degrees and his internship. She seemed less impressed with the smatterings of profanity that peppered his speech, even though he was trying to police himself. She was even less impressed, if the raised eyebrow was any indication, when Axel excused himself around five-forty-five to have a cigarette. It wasn't like he didn't know she would disapprove, but he was so damn nervous and he knew from experience that this was the fastest way to calm his nerves. It was while he was standing on the porch that a shiny silver Mercedes pulled up in front of the house. Axel's breath caught as a laughing blond clambered out of the car. He wasn't scrawny anymore, Axel noted detachedly. The last four years had given him height, muscle. (He was still short compared to Axel, but that wasn't saying a lot). He was more man than boy now, but he still had some residual vestiges of boyhood about him; he was right on that cusp between innocence and adulthood. His smile was still the same, though, the way it lit up his whole face and filled his blue, blue eyes with mirth. He was beautiful.
Roxas must have seen him then, because the smile dropped right off his face, hitting the ground in unison with his gym bag. Axel's chest fell right along with it. Everything he had feared was coming true; Roxas wasn't the same and he wasn't sure things could ever be okay again.
"Ax… oh my God, Axel…" Roxas took a tentative half-step towards him, and Axel glanced down as he realized belatedly that his cigarette had slipped from his fingers and inanely hoped that no additional damage to the chances of them rebuilding their relationship had occurred due to the ridiculousness of Roxas witnessing him attempting to take a drag off of absolutely nothing. He looked back up just in time to brace for impact as he got an armful of seventeen year old. He could hear Roxas's milieu of curses and expletives as he chastened Axel for surprising him, but they didn't process in the face of the one inescapable truth that was all Axel could think: Roxas was still Roxas. Axel wasn't sure if he was laughing or crying, so he just wrapped his arms around the teen, buried his face in the crazy blond (surprisingly soft) spikes, and let it happen.
Roxas insisted that Axel had to stay for dinner, even though it was obvious that Aerith was less than crazy about the idea. Nonetheless, Axel found himself sitting in his old seat at the table listening as Roxas chattered away about his day, waiting patiently while Aerith dished him up some corn on the cob and meatloaf.
Clacking his tongue-ring against his teeth, Axel considered Aerith; she had led a relatively sheltered life, and she wanted the same for her son. Even if Axel had been to college and had a job, he was still the same fucked-up kid from the wrong side of the tracks at heart, and he still acted it more than half the time. Aerith wasn't being unreasonable by wanting to keep some distance between Axel and her son, but he also knew that he wasn't about to do what Aerith wanted "because she said so" any more now than he had when he was thirteen. Of course, he had no idea if Roxas was in the habit of blindly following Aerith's every commandment; that would make both their lives exponentially more complicated.
"Hey Axel," Roxas's voice snapped him out of his internal monologue, and he looked up to find Roxas smirking at him between mouthfuls of mashed potato. "I have a senior prank event with members of the lacrosse team tonight, can I get a lift over with you, do you think?" Axel raised a pierced eyebrow in surprise and opened his mouth to respond when Roxas cut him off "I told you about that, right, Mom? We're all going to TP the newbies' houses since the first game of the season is tomorrow, and then we're going over to Sora's to spend the night? It's a big team building event, and as co-captain of the team it's really important that I be there."
Axel was a bit shellshocked, as he was pretty sure Roxas had managed to say all of that in one breath. Aerith, on the other hand, looked a little put out. "Roxas, you most assuredly have not mentioned that to me. Let me call Rinoa, hold on." Aerith stepped into the kitchen and Roxas grinned at Axel. Axel opened his mouth to speak, then realized he had no idea where to begin. Aerith was back in the dining room before he had a chance to sort it out. She had a disgruntled expression on her face, but she told Roxas he could go as soon as he finished his milk.
Ten minutes later, Axel slammed his trunk shut over Roxas's duffle bag as the younger teen buckled his seat belt. Axel hopped over the door and, as he settled into his seat, asked Roxas where to. A slow grin split the blond teen's face. "Wherever you want," Roxas laughed.
"But the lacrosse prank-"
"Was bullshit." Roxas grinned cheekily. "Please, do you think for a second my mom would have let me out of the house with you if she didn't think my ultimate destination was somewhere *not* with you?"
"But she called your friend's mom. So what...?" Axel trailed off as Roxas's eyes sparkled mischievously.
"Rinoa's cool, man. She recognizes that teens will be teens and likes to let us do it with something resembling adult supervision. She lets us crash there whenever we need to, no questions asked."
Well. That answered Axel's earlier question about whether Roxas blindly obeyed his mother. "So what's the plan?"
Roxas shrugged. "Honestly? I know this sounds hella cheesy, but I just want to be near you. I can't even believe that you're really here, y'know? So I don't care what we do."
They ended up talking all night in Axel's apartment, about everything and nothing all at once. It turned out that there wasn't a lot that Axel didn't already know about Roxas from his letters (the fact that the teen *could not* hold his liquor notwithstanding) yet they still never ran into a second of awkward silence. There was a thirty minute period of awkward Roxas-puking-his-guts-out, but even that had a bonding quality reminiscent of college partying.
When Roxas finally passed out in Axel's bed around three-forty-four am, Axel sat next to the bed just watching the younger boy - man? Axel wasn't really sure - breathing in and out. He pinched himself once, twice, and a third time, then settled his mouth against his fists, hiding the smile he couldn't stop. His eyes were a little misty, but he told himself it was from the late hour and nothing else.
He awoke the next morning (sore from sleeping sprawled somewhere between a chair and bed) to Roxas's panicked cries "gonna kill me, oh my god, Quistis will call her for sure, that fucking whore, can't believe I overslept, Axel are you awake, Axel, wake UP!"
"huhwha?" Axel's eyes fluttered open to meet Roxas's desperate ones.
"It's nine forty-five, I was supposed to be in class an hour and a half ago and my first period teacher is a complete bitch and she will definitely call my mom-"
Axel leapt up, grabbing his keys from the bedside table as he did so. "Let's go!"
The drive itself was uneventful, unless you count idle nervous chatter and their good fortune in hitting all the lights right as events. But Axel was stunned silent when he saw Roxas's high school. "It's nicer than HBU," he finally managed to choke out.
"Shut up, it is not." Roxas flushed. "Anyways, Mom picked it, not me."
"Of course she did."
In the end, Roxas was in first period by ten oh five, claiming food poisoning slowed him down, but he was too late. His bitch of a teacher had already called Aerith, and no amount of explaining could convince her of anything but the truth - that Roxas had been with Axel, but more importantly that Roxas (and Rinoa, for that matter) had lied to her. Roxas was grounded until graduation and forbidden from seeing Axel. Which brings us to -
"Don't call me 'kid', jackass."
"I was there when you were born, you're always going to be a kid to me."
"Five years is not that much." Roxas retorted, unscrewing the top to Axel's flask, which he had retrieved from the glove compartment.
"Five years is so that much." Axel snorted in reply as he snagged the flask away from Roxas's hands before the teen could take a sip. Axel tipped back a shot, then smirked. "For instance, I have my own apartment while you just snuck out the window of your parents house for, what, the third time this week, because you're - and correct me if I'm wrong - grounded?"
"Okay, fine, you're ancient, and as previously mentioned, will totally die before me and I will not cry at your funeral."
"Just for that, you're not getting any whisky."
Roxas stuck out his tongue. "So riddle me this, old man. If you're so mature, what are you doing driving around the city at midnight with a teenager when you could be doing something more age-appropriate like going to a bar?"
Axel released a bark of laughter, "Touche." He took another swig from his flask, then passed it to Roxas. "We need to get you a fake."
Axel's work was going well. Ansem was consistently impressed with the speed and quality of Axel's work, so he was really flexible about Axel's schedule. So even though his internship was technically nine to five, Axel had been known to show up at noon and work until eight, among many other varieties of bizarre hours. For instance, he had taken an extra long lunch today so he and Roxas could meet off-campus to have lunch together. They figured that Aerith would be less likely to find out about her son's insubordination if they kept it varied; sneaking out every night was bound to get busted sooner or later (probably sooner). This way, they were seeing each other four or five times a week without too much trouble. Today he had learned that Roxas didn't like sushi, even though he was apparently addicted to green tea ice cream and could (and happily would) eat it by the bucketful.
"Don't expect me to still be seen with you in public when you get disgustingly fat." Axel clucked, popping another piece of eel roll into his mouth.
"As long as you don't expect me to visit your salmonella-ridden ass in the hospital," Roxas shot back, stabbing his third bowl of ice cream with his spoon.
"Unagi's cooked, moron."
"Yeah, but that tuna thing you ate earlier wasn't," the blond shuddered.
"Your mom really sheltered the fuck out of you, didn't she? This shit is explicitly prepared to be safe for human consumption. Try a piece, seriously."
"No thanks."
"Awww, c'mon Roxy. Scared you'll like it?"
"Not even a little bit."
Axel's eyes sparkled as he grinned slyly. "Tell you what, if you try it and you seriously hate it, I'll never say another word about it."
"…Promise?"
"Cross my heart and hope to get busted with you by your mom." Roxas chuckled at that, and tentatively picked up his fork and poked a piece of Axel's sushi. "It's not gonna bite you, dumbass. And who eats sushi with a fork?" Axel sighed, exasperated, as he picked up a piece with the back ends of his chopsticks and held it out to Roxas.
Roxas looked at the piece of sushi, then back at Axel. He raised an eyebrow, as if to say 'are you planning to feed me?'
Axel rolled his eyes. "Just eat it already, god."
Roxas leaned forward and grabbed the piece with his teeth, scooting back in his seat quickly. "Okay, fine, that is actually pretty tasty."
Axel glanced at his watch and realized they only had ten more minutes until the teen needed to be back at school, and it was an eight minute drive. He dropped some money on the table, then looked over to Roxas. He squinted for a second at the younger man. "Do you need me to put the top up on the way back? It looks like you got a little sun on the way over here." Roxas's ears were a few shades pinker than normal.
"Wha- oh. No, my mom will think I just forgot to put on sunscreen before practice. It's fine, I know you prefer top down."
"Hell yeah I do! Everything's better topless." He winked at Roxas then hopped up, digging in his pockets for his car keys. The other teen was still sitting unmoving at the table. "You coming or what?"
"Uh, yeah. Sorry, man."
Roxas was riding shotgun back from the bar at two-forty-five on Saturday morning, giggling slightly. He was drunk as a skunk, this being his first time out with a fake id, and that night Axel had learned that when Roxas was pushing blackout but not-quite-to-sick levels he was a hell of an affectionate drunk. Axel had opted to hit a bar downtown rather than uptown since Roxas didn't actually look like he was twenty-one and they were way more lax about things like double-checking that id was valid downtown (it wasn't like he would let Roxas drive or anything dangerous, what was the big?) so the drive back was taking longer than usual. Roxas had given up trying to sit up and manage normal conversation about ten minutes ago, but Axel was playing his music (Korn, currently) quietly and Roxas was right there, so he wasn't complaining. Suddenly, the small blond sat bolt upright in the seat and would have tipped right over if it wasn't for the seatbelt stabilizing him.
"Omigod, Iforgot t'tell you!"
"Yeah, Rox?"
"M'mom sais I cango'way forSpringbreak Whatchudoin' 'ntwoweeks?"
Axel reached over and ruffled Roxas's hair. "The same thing I do every other week, dork. Working and hanging out with your sorry ass, though it sounds like I'll just be working if you're gonna be gone."
Roxas shook his head violently, then clutched his head as though the motion had given him a headache. Axel rolled his eyes and grinned fondly. "Uh-uh, No, 'mjus' TELLIN'her that'mgoin' 'drather staywifyou"
The blond looked at him expectantly with big blue eyes and Axel laughed. "Are you asking if you can stay with me for a week? Because you know that you never have to ask, you're always welcome."
Roxas positively beamed, which was kind of a weird look for him, then yawned and curled up in his seat again. "LobeyouAxe."
Axel laughed and ruffled his hair again. "Love you too, kiddo. Don't go to sleep yet, we've gotta get you back into your parent's."
"Noooooowannastaywifyou"
"You can call me once you get inside, it'll be almost the same."
Roxas pouted "'snotthesameAtALL" he insisted.
But Axel still drove him the rest of the way home and then half-carried the smaller boy up to his room because there was no way Roxas would be able to do it without falling down the stairs and either breaking his neck or waking up his parents, neither of which was a particularly attractive option. He settled Roxas down into his bed and Roxas grabbed Axel's left hand and clung to it. Axel tried to extract his hand, but Roxas just held tighter, looking up at Axel with an expression that the redhead couldn't quite name, outside of it being some combination of drunken neediness.
"Stay."
Axel sighed and shook his head. "I'm not explaining that one to your mom. I'll text you tomorrow, see if you even remember any of this shit."
Roxas let go of his hand abruptly and rolled over so his back was to Axel. Axel shrugged and moved towards the window, climbing out. "Night Rox!" he whispered from the sill, then crawled down the trellis and out of sight.
11:45AM: Morning princess, remember last night?
11:52AM: Vodka, tequila, and something delicious that I'm pretty sure was pure alcohol. Oh, also the fact that I'm NEVER DRINKING AGAIN
11:53AM: So nothing about Spring Break?
11:55AM: Shit, I meant to talk to you about that before we started drinking
11:55AM: Two weeks from now and you want to stay with me?
11:57AM: That's about the it. And you said?
11:58AM: I did already tell you, you know :P
11:59AM: Yeah but I don't remember
12:00PM: Is it somehow my fault you can't hold your liquor?
12:00PM: Would you just tell me, you fucking asshole?
12:01PM: You kiss your mother with that mouth?
12:02PM: You're a terrible influence, I hate you and I take back my desire to stay with you. I'll go to Cancun with the lacrosse team instead, have a nice life
12:02PM: Aw, Rox, don't spoil my fun, of course I said yes
12:03PM: Fucker
12:03PM: You love it ;)
Roxas's life got crazy busy for the next two weeks; apparently that was pretty normal right before Spring break for high school seniors who were in actual high school, not that Axel would know. He threw himself into his programming in the meantime and actually finally set up the second bedroom for Roxas to have a comfortable place to crash for the week. Once he felt sufficiently ahead in his programming, he approached Ansem about taking a week off, since interns didn't get paid vacation. Much to his surprise, Ansem beamed and offered to sign him as a permanent employee before the week arrived so that he would have paid vacation. "And I know you asked about expanding when you started; we'll probably be opening another branch in four months or so, and if that goes well another one six months after that." Axel blinked, stunned, but agreed. He was a lot less concerned about expansion now that things were going so well; he almost felt like he was home. But for all he knew, Roxas was planning to go somewhere else entirely for college, so it was good to know he wouldn't be chained to the town he grew up in.
"And since you're going to be here full time, you really should get to know some of your coworkers?" Ansem suggested delicately. "At the very least introduce yourself to Zexion in cubicle 6; I think the two of you might get along."
Axel exhaled in frustration. He had never really seen the point in human relationships outside of his and Roxas's, at least not since things with Larxene had tanked so spectacularly. If everyone was just going to leave you sooner or later, why try to pretend it wasn't going to be sooner? To Axel, coworkers were for "I need assistance with a task," the way random people in bars were for "I need sexual release;" basically everyone in this world could fall into the jurisdiction of "I need, and you can give me."
"Yes sir, I'll do that." But not today, and probably not tomorrow either, he didn't add.
"Excellent. I really think you're a fantastic addition to our team, I just wish you'd start to feel *like* part of the team, Axel. Let me know if there's anything I can do to help facilitate that."
"Of course, sir."
After a week and two days, Axel was starting to go a little stir crazy from going so long without seeing Roxas. He even wrote the younger boy a letter like he had when they had been apart for so long; it was pure nonsense, but it was something that made him feel connected to the blond again. He drove by Aerith and Cloud's the next morning and climbed the trellis under Roxas's window, wedging the envelope into the crack in the window.
That night, Axel answered a knock on the door to find Roxas standing there in pajama pants and a wifebeater, his feet jammed in his school uniform shoes, the laces untied. Roxas launched himself into his arms again, the same way he had when Axel had first come home, and Axel wrapped his arms around the teen and let the calm of home wash over him again before it was replaced by panic. He held the other boy at arm's length and looked in his eyes.
"Rox, it's one AM, what are you doing here? Is everything okay?"
Roxas looked down at his shoes, digging the toe of one of them into the ground. "I got your note. I missed you. That's all."
Axel tilted his head back, exhaling in some bizarre combination of frustration and relief. "You should go home, kid, you've got school tomorrow and wasn't it something like three tests on Friday?"
"I don't want to go home yet. I want to hang out with you for a while." Axel sighed; he was putting in extra hours this week so he wouldn't get behind during his week off, and as much as he wanted to hang out with Roxas for a couple of hours he was looking at a 6am to 8pm workday for the next three days, and it would be pointless to go in if he hadn't slept, since any work he would do would be negligible.
"I have to be at work early. So I guess you can stay as long as you can get yourself home in time to make it to school."
Roxas looked chagrined. "I was hoping you'd give me a lift home? It's kind of cold out tonight."
"Jesus, Roxas, did you walk all the way here in the middle of the night?"
"Well mom won't let me get my license, so"
"What the hell is wrong with you, you could have gotten mugged or killed!"
"This is uptown, asshole, nothing like that's gonna happen here."
Axel bristled. "You sound just like your mother."
Roxas's voice, when it came, was deadly quiet. "You take that back."
"No. You can't just do whatever the fuck you want because you're rich and privileged. Life has consequences and bad shit happens to good people all the fucking time. I never thought I'd see you acting like an entitled little prick though. I thought you were better than that."
"What, do you think that you're better than me just because of where you came from? Because you're not!"
"Neither are you! You're a spoiled little mama's boy playing at being an adult and you have NO idea what the real world is like."
Roxas's eyes were shining and he swallowed hard. "Fuck you, Axel." The teen was gone down the hall before Axel could react, and by the time Axel composed himself enough to find his keys and run after the boy he was nowhere to be seen, even when Axel drove around in his car for half an hour looking for him, desperately chain smoking in an attempt to calm his nerves, cursing himself for forgetting his phone. Roxas didn't answer when Axel called once he got home, but Axel left a message: "god FUCKING dammit, Roxas, if you died on the way home I'm never going to forgive you."
He didn't hear from Roxas for three days.
Saturday morning Axel's phone went off.
10:21am: I'm sorry.
That was all, and yet it almost put Axel into hysterics. Roxas was okay, and Roxas was speaking to him. All was right with the world.
10:25am: You better be, brat
but he followed it with
10:26am: I'm sorry too. I shouldn't have said any of that. You just scared me. I can't lose you, not ever.
10:33am: Still want me next week?
10:34am: Is there really a question?
10:36am: Pick me up from the airport tomorrow at noon? Terminal B
10:37am: See you then, kiddo
Axel spent the rest of the evening making last-minute adjustments to the apartment to get ready for Roxas's arrival: running to the grocery store, hiding his porn collection, kicking his dirty laundry under his bed, things like that. He was checking his email before he went to bed when he noticed a distinct uptick in the volume of emails in his spam folder. He clicked on the email folder and opened it, prepared to empty the damn thing, when he noticed all the emails were from the same address and had the same title. Axel had no idea who reeks was, or how some little private school prick had gotten his email; the only person he had given it to was Roxas, and he knew that he wasn't giving it out. He also had no idea what "The end of Seiner? Return of Rayner?" meant, but he knew he was going to be hitting the moron who had dared to spam him with a well-aimed virus. He clicked on the email and mentally berated himself for forgetting about the attachment before the picture loaded and his mind went completely blank for a fraction of a second. His mouth went dry as his eyes traveled up the image, skimming over the tangle of limbs, the implied motion of the intertwined bodies, his gaze as good as caressing the light muscling of the abdomen, trailing over the smooth chest, lingering on the curve of the neck arched back in ecstasy. His vision finally settled on the all-too-familiar face, those beautiful eyes closed and the cheeks flushed, and he realized his jeans had grown almost uncomfortably tight.
It wasn't that he had never found another man attractive before. While he was in college, there had been a night or two when he had gone home with a random dude instead of a random chick. He figured it didn't mean much, it was just what he had been feeling at the time. He had never had any sustained attraction to another man and he still considered himself straight, so if he occasionally wanted to fool around with a guy, well, why the hell not? He hadn't ever mentioned it to Roxas (read: the boy currently making him just a touch uncomfortable), because he knew how much the other boy had struggled with his sexuality and that Axel throwing something like that out there would have been cruel, insensitive, and just made things harder for Roxas. So finding another guy attractive? Not that big a deal. The fact that he was currently having to struggle to keep his hand out of his pants as a result of a picture of Roxas? Well, THAT was a big fucking deal. A huge fucking deal. His eyes traced back down the bodies in the picture; speaking of huge - NO.
He closed his eyes and clicked Command + Q. When he opened his eyes again, the incriminating picture was gone. His little problem, not so much.
He took three slow, deep breaths. Then another four. He was still painfully turned on, but he was NOT going to masturbate while thinking about Roxas. Absolutely not.
He took another series of deep breaths, accepted that deep breaths weren't doing shit, and climbed up out of his computer chair. He walked as calmly as he could manage (not very) into the bathroom, stripped off his clothes, and turned the shower on as cold as it would go. Shivering under the spray, he tried his best to erase the picture from of his mind.
Axel jerked awake suddenly, realized his breathing was unusually rapid for someone who had just been asleep. He then noted that his hand had slipped under the waistband of his boxers before memories from the dream cascaded down around him. Oh. Holy. Fuck. His whole body shuddered with something he didn't want to name before his rational mind caught up and he shuddered with something else, bolting for the bathroom. He dry-heaved over the toilet for a few moments, realizing absently that tears were pooling in the corners of his eyes. Once the feelings of nausea subsided he curled around himself on the cold linoleum floor, left with only the feelings of revulsion and self-loathing.
Roxas. How in the hell could he be having these kinds of thoughts about Roxas, his best friend, his only constant, the closest thing to a brother he had ever had? Who was still only seventeen, some part of his brain decided to add, as if there wasn't enough to the guilt and turmoil his insides were currently stewing in. He buried his face in his hands, ran his hands up into his hair and pulled hard, letting the pain anchor him into the moment. There had to be some kind of rational way to deal with this, some logical and practical way to not let the fact that he had just had a (wickedly, insanely hot, oh holy mother of god) sex dream about Roxas interfere with their relationship.
He cast his mind blindly about for a solution, but all he came up with was the image of Roxas digging his nails into Axel's back as Axel ran his tongue up the blond's neck. Kind of the opposite of helpful.
The obvious solution was to tell Aerith that he and Roxas had been hanging out behind her back. Of course, he was pretty sure Aerith would happily castrate Axel if she knew the reason he was telling her about it, and with the current state of him Axel wasn't sure he would be able to talk to her without blurting that out. Plus he didn't want to *never* see Roxas again (actually right now there was a part of him that really, really wanted to see a lot *more* of Roxas), and he had a hunch Aerith could find a way to make that happen if she was determined enough. So that was out.
He could just avoid Roxas for a while, until he felt normal again and this had all blown over… except he suddenly remembered that Roxas had convinced Aerith to let him out for a "Spring break trip with his friends" and he was planning to crash at Axel's instead. For a week. Starting Sunday - no, fucking *tomorrow* - morning.
Axel let out a tiny desperate noise, like one that you'd expect from a fox caught in a bear trap before it tries to gnaw through its own leg.
Oh god, he was so fucked.
As Axel pulled up to the airport at eleven fifty-seven am he was trying to take deep breaths again, but this time it was because he was trying to tamp down on panic rather than arousal. Roxas was going to get into the car and Roxas was going to take one look at him and Roxas was going to know and Roxas was going to hop right back out and go get on a plane to Cancun with his friends. And probably never speak to Axel again and DEFINITELY never have sex with Axel- ohmygodwhatthehellwaswrongwithhim? Axel beat his forehead against the steering wheel a few times, glad that he had had the foresight to put up the top so no one would witness his inevitable humiliation (except, of course, the one person who actually mattered).
Axel jumped when the passenger side door opened and a beaming blond slid into the seat, throwing a duffel bag into the back as he did so. "Dude, why the hell is the top up?"
Axel rolled his eyes as he pulled away from the terminal, defaulting to his traditional swagger in the hopes that it would disguise the horrific awkwardness. "Did you want to explain to your mother why you're in a Mustang with me when you're supposed to be on a plane to Cancun if we pass her on the way home?" Wow, that actually sounded convincing.
Roxas blinked, then laughed. "Good looking out! Mom and Dad are actually hopping a plane to Paris for the weekend on Thursday morning, but you're right, we'd better keep a low profile until then."
Axel swallowed hard. He couldn't stop glancing at Roxas out of the corner of his eye, noting how the shorts that Roxas was wearing showed off his calves (he had really nice calves) and how Roxas's eyes looked like what it would look like if you mixed the sky and the ocean on a hot midsummer's day and you lost track of where one started and the other ended. He shook his head, hard, and trained his eyes back on the road. If he didn't get a handle on this soon he was going to end up crashing the car. "Um… how low are we talking?"
Roxas wrinkled up his nose in thought and Axel, still watching out of the corner of his eye, realized he wanted to nip at it. "Uh… we should probably stay indoors as much as possible, since you felt the need to get an apartment that's only like three miles from my parent's place and Mom tends to run a lot of errands around town during the day. Moron." Roxas nudged Axel's arm with his elbow and Axel froze completely, with what was probably a crazed look in his eyes. There was an awkward pause, followed by "Axe, man, are you okay?"
"Fine!" Axel responded too quickly and in what he suspected was an octave higher than usual.
Roxas looked at him like he was batshit insane, then shrugged and stretched up and backwards, letting his shirt ride up over his stomach. Axel found himself fighting a sudden urge to lean over and lick the tanned strip of exposed skin and for about three seconds seriously contemplated driving the car into the nearest light post just to get away from those thoughts.
Axel had spent the last two weeks looking forward to spending a whole uninterrupted week with his favorite blond. Now that it was actually happening, Axel was quickly starting to feel like a caged animal. His apartment was way too small for anything resembling personal space or privacy, and he hadn't known before this that Roxas slept in nothing but his boxers (not that he would have cared, if he has known before this, but that was beside the point).
Of course, that had been a horrifically awkward revelation; Axel had awoken in the middle of the first night sweaty and panting from yet another dream of what his apparently heinously perverted subconscious would like to do to the blond sleeping just down the hall (Axel was trying not to think about the details too much, but let's just say handcuffs and whipped cream had been involved) and made another mad dash for the bathroom. He'd spent a minute or two crouched in there fighting down his nausea before there had been a rap on the door and then Roxas pushed it open because (in the midst of all his panic and revulsion) Axel had neglected to lock it.
And there he was, in all his glory; Axel had known for years that Roxas was beautiful and he knew now from that damned picture that he was sexy, but he hadn't yet seen him in the flesh in tight boxer briefs like the ones David Beckham would wear, ones leaving almost nothing to the imagination. Axel turned away hysterically, clutching his arms around the toilet bowl again, choking on his own spit as he tried desperately to separate reality from the hazy dream world that was still wrapping the edges of his consciousness, trying to convince him he was still dreaming and to touchtouchtouch.
And then he felt a hand on the small of his back and his whole body stiffened sharply. Another hand was suddenly pressing against his forehead and over the sound of his blood pounding in his temples he heard that achingly familiar voice saying "don't feel feverish… and you didn't drink anything…" And he looked up into those concerned far-too-beautiful eyes and he trembled, closing his own eyes and counting down from 30, promising himself that when he opened them again Roxas wouldn't be there. He was down to 13 when Roxas's voice interrupted his forced serenity "Axe, what do you need here? What can I do?"
Axel wasn't sure how he managed to choke out the words "go back to bed, Rox," but he heard them pierce the quiet so he must have managed it.
Unfortunately... "No way, man, you're sick, you shouldn't have to deal with this yourself."
Axel shuddered; if he kept feeling that warmth against his skin polluted with the confusing feelings and sudden attraction and the lingering afterimages from his dreams all mixed with the horrible, soul-crushing guilt, he was either going to have a total breakdown or he was going to do something to Roxas that they were both going to regret the next day.
Axel pushed away from the teen and managed to make it to an unstable standing position. "I think I need some air. Stay here," and he tottered as quickly as possible out of the apartment, pausing only to grab his cigarettes and keys. Once he had reached the bottom of the stairs, he sank to the ground, curled into a seated fetal position against the wall and smoked his way through the entire pack. Once he was out of cigarettes, he sat there playing with his lighter until the sky was tinged with pink and he could hear movements in the surrounding apartments. At that point he could hardly attempt to delay the inevitable anymore; he walked back up the stairs on shaky legs, stared at his door for a full five minutes before he finally pushed the key into the lock and went inside.
Roxas was nowhere to be seen, and Axel couldn't decide if that was a blessing or a curse.
Axel was in the process of scrambling eggs when Roxas stumbled out of the second bedroom, mercifully having covered his lower half with a pair of oversized sweatpants but still ostensibly refusing to wear a shirt. His messy hair had somehow become messier in the night, and his eyes were muzzy with sleep. Axel wanted to push him up against the fridge. He yawned and then smiled at Axel. "Feeling better this morning?"
Axel forced a laugh. "No idea what the hell that was, but yeah, I feel fine now." Please don't see through my blatant lie.
"Good." Roxas beamed at him, then moved to Axel's side to pour himself a cup from Axel's beat up coffee pot.
"'Ey, you're gonna stunt your growth even more, shrimp!" Axel chastened, reaching for the mug, but Roxas danced away and stuck out his tongue at him.
"You are not gonna take away my caffeine, mister. You have your vices, so let me have mine." Axel froze. Somehow, inexplicably, in those brief moments of banter he had forgotten everything, but then the site of Roxas's pink little tongue mixed with the mention of Axel's vices had given him the urge to bend the smaller man over the kitchen table and see exactly what vices the blond had, in detail, and the best possible ways for Axel to take advantage of them. He focused his gaze on the stove, quashing down the urge as best he could, pretending scrambling eggs took a lot more focus than it really did.
"D'you want bacon?" he managed to mutter after a momentary pause, just a hair too long to be comfortable.
"Do gay men suck dick?" Roxas responded instantly, then blushed. "Sorry, that was reflex. Yes, I want bacon, please."
Axel focused his gaze really, really hard on the stove, trying to focus all his attention on not thinking about Roxas in the context of that statement. He glanced down and was startled to see blue, blue eyes staring up at him as Roxas knelt before him, a smile curling around the other boys lips. He felt a hand wrap around his waist at the top of his pants as confident fingers found the fly of his jeans, pulling it down slowly as the blond used that sinful tongue to lick his lips. Axel shook his head as the sound of crackling bacon pulled him back to reality. He was really, absolutely not doing a good job of this. His ears could probably blend into his hair as he glanced sideways at Roxas, who was sitting at the table sipping his coffee contentedly, not a clue in his mind of the awful, despicable things his best friend could not stop feverishly fantasizing about. Axel thanked god that one part of that last fantasy was true: he had changed out of his pajama pants and into his jeans after he had come back inside this morning. There was no way the flimsy fabric of his pjs would be able to conceal the partial he was currently sporting, and the last thing he needed was for Roxas to realize what was going on.
He cleared his throat awkwardly and set a plate of eggs, bacon and toast down in front of his friend and sat down in the other chair. And suddenly his mind was a blank. What did they normally talk about? Oh god, he had to say something.
"So how's school?"
Roxas looked levelly at him. "It's break."
"So how was school?"
"Boring." Roxas took a bite of his eggs.
"And your friends?"
"Fine," he replied through a mouthful of bacon.
"You seeing anyone?"
"Axel, you're acting really fucking weird."
Axel cleared his throat again. "Am I?"
"Yeah."
Axel furrowed his brow. He knew that he was, and he knew damn well why, but some nagging part of his subconscious (one of the parts that wasn't currently concentrating on finding ways to get Roxas naked and underneath him) was telling him that Roxas might not be acting quite normal either. At this point, however, Axel was beginning to be a bit hesitant to trust any part of his subconscious, so he disregarded that.
"Sorry. Maybe I'm still a little off from last night."
"Ah." Roxas took another sip of his coffee.
Axel was failing not to stare at Roxas out of the corner of his eye as Roxas completely destroyed him in Super Smash Brothers. Roxas was still not wearing a shirt because, as Axel was quickly finding out, Roxas apparently lived to unconsciously torment him. In truth, when asked about it, Roxas had shrugged and said he never wore a shirt if he wasn't going anywhere, because why get one dirty? Anyways, it wasn't like he and Axel didn't know each other well enough for that and it was awkward or something.
Axel had smiled weakly at him and pretended to laugh at the absurdity of a situation in which there could be any awkwardness associated with either of them seeing the other sans shirt when all he could really think of was how much he wanted to lick one of Roxas's nipples. Or suck it. Or.. or bite it… and oh my GOD he was officially a sexual predator.
To be fair, maybe he wouldn't be so predatory if Roxas would just put a damn shirt on but Roxas also had a point - how many times had he seen the teen (he cringed inwardly) without a shirt and it meant literally nothing? (Axel's internal counterpoint was that he had never ever ever looked at Roxas as a sexual being before; sure, Roxas had mentioned having done stuff, but nothing nearly so explicit as the picture that had started this whole mess. Or so hot, for that matter. But Axel was keeping his mouth shut about that).
"Okay, seriously, you NEVER let me slam you this hard in Smash, especially not with freaking Jigglypuff. This can't be just residual illness bullshit, now what the hell is wrong. Are you mad at me or something?"
Axel was jerked out of his reverie by a seriously pissed-off Roxas and a serious problem for himself.
"I- I told you, I'm still weirdly off from last night, I guess. That's all."
"Stop lying, you've been acting weird ever since you picked me up at the airport. Do you not want me here or something?" Now wasn't THAT a loaded fucking question. And it was made worse by the fact that Axel was at war with himself over it; there was a part of him that absolutely wanted the blond there, preferably as Axel explored his entire body with his tongue, while there was a part of him that wanted the younger man there for his friendship and companionship, and then there was the rational portion of Axel's brain that was screaming to get as far away from Roxas as possible before the less-rational parts of Axel ruined absolutely everything.
"Of course I want you here, dumbass," he lied, whapping the other boy upside the head with a controller.
"Well then could you fucking act like it," Roxas grumbled, but a corner of his mouth had quirked upwards.
"I'm sorry, I didn't realize you were so emotionally needy. I will go out of my way to ensure that you don't feel neglected from here on out."
Roxas's slight smile had spread into a real one but Axel could see him trying to hide it. "I don't need all of that, maybe you could just, I don't know, actually play the freaking game or something?"
"I think I can manage that," Axel retorted. Or I could if you would put on a shirt, he didn't add.
That night was relatively uneventful, if you consider five wet dreams and retching over the trash can in his bedroom uneventful. But he managed to not see Roxas or raise any odd suspicions in the blond's mind, so Axel considered the night a victory.
Axel would have been concerned about the effect that barely sleeping was having on his psychological well-being if it wasn't for the fact that he was far more concerned with the effects that it was having on his self-control in regards to one blond boy. Of course it didn't help that said boy didn't seem to view Axel as anything other than an extension of himself and as such didn't have any of the boundaries a normal person may have when staying at a friend's place.
Like that morning, when Axel had walked into his living room to find Roxas doing yoga in his boxers.
Yoga.
In his BOXERS.
The same style of boxers he had been wearing the other night, the ones that left barely anything to the imagination.
Needless to say, Axel was just hoping Roxas didn't notice the weird gurgling noise that Axel had made in the back of his throat before he disappeared into the kitchen and busied himself washing every dish he owned, dirty or not.
Later, when Roxas had swept out of the bathroom wearing nothing but a tiny towel around his waist, low enough that Axel's eyes could hungrily trace the smattering of blond hair that snaked its way from under his belly button and disappeared under said towel, Axel had lurched off the couch declaring that he had to go into work for a little while because he happened to have an appointment to meet a coworker and that he would be back as soon as possible and he hightailed it out of there before Roxas could even say a word to protest.
Fifteen minutes later, when Axel actually pulled up in front of D.i.Z., he suddenly questioned why he was following through with his lie. It wasn't as though Roxas would know the difference if Axel had just driven around the city for an hour and then went home, but he supposed he felt guilty enough about his recent discovery of wanting Roxas and keeping that desire a secret from him that he didn't want to lie more than necessary. So he steeled himself, walked into the office and headed straight for cubicle 6, where a man with a cascade of slate hair covering half his face sat typing diligently.
"Hi, are you Zexion? I'm Axel." He extended his hand as the slate-haired man halted his typing and turned to look levelly at him.
"I am well aware of who you are. I am also aware that you took this week off, so I have to ask why you felt the need to come in today and introduce yourself to me when you should have done so weeks ago."
Well. That wasn't what Axel had been expecting. He smiled awkwardly and scratched the back of his head. "Yeah… Sorry. I asked off 'cause my friend is staying with me this week but I needed to get away for a little while, y'know?"
"Sounds like an interesting friendship if you are willing to ask off of work to spend time with them and then go back into work to get away from them."
And Axel would never know what made him do it; maybe it was the sleep deprivation. Maybe it was that he was an outside source that could give him an unbiased opinion. Maybe it was that this was the first time in his life he'd ever kept anything significant from Roxas. Whatever it was, a few moments later it registered to him that he was in the middle of spilling his guts to a total stranger.
Zexion had a classic 'I'm sorry, I think you've mistaken me for someone who cares' expression on his face, but he listened quietly until Axel finished his story with a despairing "...and now I can't even be alone with him because I've managed to mix all of this weird physical desire with a person who is basically my brother and it's so convoluted and confusing and he would think I was some kind of sick perv if I ever tried anything- hell, I *already* think I'm a sick perv and I haven't even touched him."
"Why exactly would he think you were a sick pervert for wanting to become physical with him? You said he was gay, did you not?"
"Did you even listen? His sexuality isn't the issue, the fact that I keep having to stop myself from pounding him into the nearest flat surface is the issue."
"Why?"
"Because he's like my brother."
"Forgive me if this sounds crass, but it really doesn't sound like it."
"And that's the issue."
"And are you sure that it's an issue? What exactly is wrong with seeing if he would be receptive to the idea?"
"Because he won't be!"
"And you know this for a fact? He's a homosexual, and you're a reasonably attractive male. It's plausible. What is the harm in asking?"
"Because if he isn't then he'll never want to see me again, and if he is then things will just… end. They won't be the same as they've always been and I can't deal with that."
Zexion raised his visible eyebrow. "Well first, things between you are not the same now as they've always been, whether you like it or not. Second, you never know how someone is going to respond to you until you try. And finally, who says things have to end?"
Axel thought a lot about what Zexion had said as he drove back to his apartment, but somehow he couldn't make it make sense to him. The idea that Roxas could be attracted to him was ludicrous to begin with, and beyond that the idea of them sustaining a no-strings sexual relationship was on the same level of insanity as the idea that they could go at it and then go back to being friends like it never happened. And in addition to all that nonsense (and admittedly he had forgotten to mention this to Zexion) he had no idea who the other boy in the picture was or what he meant to Roxas; for all he knew, Roxas was very happily involved with this other boy and Axel didn't have a chance with Roxas in any world, even one where it wouldn't ruin everything that had ever mattered.
Axel pressed himself desperately into the chilled tiles and prayed that the sound of the running shower is enough to camouflage the way he's half-sobbing the blond's name into his arm, because the cold water isn't doing a damn thing anymore.
Roxas let out a tiny moan and buried his face against Axel's (hoodie-clad) chest as Ju-On crawled down the staircase, and Axel tried his best not to inhale sharply; Roxas had always been easily frightened, and Axel should have known better than to agree to the blond's choice of the Japanese terror-fest for their movie night. As it was, the teen had spent more of the movie clinging to Axel in some way shape or form than he had looking at the screen and Axel had spent most of the movie sitting rigidly next to him, reminding himself to breathe in, breathe out, breathe in…
"Why is that kid so *creepy*?" Roxas's breath was in his ear, and Axel half-leapt off the couch, bolting for the kitchen even as he spoke.
"Popcorn?! Can't have a movie without popcorn and beer! I'll be right back!"
"What? Don't leave me alone!" Roxas yelped, hurrying after him.
For the rest of the night, try as he might to put some much-needed space between himself and the blond, Roxas stuck to him like glue. He stepped outside to have a cigarette or five and the (still shirtless) teen went with him. He said he needed to run to the store to pick up something and the teen insisted on riding with him, let's just put the top up in case Mom happens to be out for some reason.
Axel had never felt that the car was so small before. The two barely exchanged words during the drive, but if Axel hadn't been so resolutely avoiding looking at the smaller man he would have noticed that Roxas kept sending contemplative looks at him, opening his mouth to speak and then stopping, as though he had thought better of it.
And so the redhead spent fifteen minutes in the store contemplating what to buy as a convincing excuse for a midnight grocery run, all the while reveling in the blessed relief of a break from the roller coaster ride the blond had his libido on (he had insisted Roxas wait in the car, y'know, just in case). He finally settled on a pack of cigarettes, a frozen everything pizza, and a six-pack of Fat Tire. As he slid into the car and shoved the bag into the passenger side, Roxas raised an eyebrow at his choices.
"This was an emergency?"
You were the emergency. "Dude, don't judge until you're a smoker."
"I will never be a smoker."
"Then you will never get to judge me."
Roxas rolled his eyes. "Whatever, jackass. Can we go home now?"
Axel spent the rest of the drive in silence, trying to convince himself that he didn't like the way Roxas said "home" as though they shared it, as though Roxas really lived there. As though he and Roxas belonged together. As though… he and Roxas were a real family.
He was still trying to put it out of his mind when he crawled into his bed an hour later; he lay down, closed his eyes, and suddenly went deathly pale when he realized in a rush that these thoughts were not unusual. He had always wanted the two of them to be a family. But he had never once considered it in the way he was now, in anything other than a fraternal context. He had never wanted it to be more than them sharing an apartment, hanging out, fist bumping each other goodbye, playing video games on the weekends, and just being together. Now- now he realized he still wanted all that, but he also wanted to mix passionate kisses and steamy nights in with the rest of it.
He wanted Roxas in every way there was to want another person.
He felt sick again, but he had left the trashcan in the kitchen that afternoon and he wasn't about to run for the bathroom and risk another awkward meeting with a boxer-clad Roxas, especially not in the face of his current soul-crushing revelation: He didn't just want to do crazy, filthy, depraved things to him. He didn't just want him, he wanted him.
Oh my god, I think I'm in love with my best friend.
The situation would have devolved into panic from there, if at that moment Axel's bedroom door hadn't cracked open and a sliver of light pierced the dark of the room. Speak of the fucking devil.
The blond poked his head into the room. "Axe, are you awake?"
Axel debated for about five seconds just pretending to be asleep. And then, with a sad little sigh: "No."
"I'm super restless; the movie really freaked me out. Can I sleep with you tonight?"
And Axel again found himself at war with himself. Because realizing he was in love with the younger blond did not diminish his desire for him in the slightest, and he really wasn't sure he trusted himself to not touch Roxas if he was there, in bed with him, all night. On the other hand, he was struggling to think of something he would rather do than share a bed with Roxas, physicality aside, and so far was coming up short. And Roxas was looking at him with silent pleading in those big blue eyes, and who was he to deny his best friend something he so clearly needed?
Axel scooted over in the bed, making room. "Yeah," he half-whispered, and Roxas's smile made his heart seize in his chest. How had he never realized he felt this way before? It was suddenly painful how obvious it should have been. And then his mouth went dry and his throat closed up because Roxas had entered the room and he had somehow forgotten that Roxas slept in nothing but his boxers and how the hell was Axel supposed to make it through the night without something terrible happening, because he was already half-hard just looking at him and he couldn't imagine what the close proximity and accidental brushes together in the night would do to him. But Roxas was coming towards the bed and Axel could see no way out and in his panic lay down and rolled as far away from the other side of the bed as possible, facing the wall and praying Roxas would keep to his own side. Instead, he felt pressure against his back as he realized Roxas had curled up against him, just like when they were children, and he turned his head slightly, just enough to see the serene smile on the younger man's face, the absolute look of peace in every line as he drifted off.
And Axel dropped his head back into his pillow and bit his lip so hard he could taste the telltale tangy metal taste of blood. But even with the pain anchoring him to the moment, he couldn't hold in his tears.
When he woke up the next morning, it was from a full night's sleep, almost as though his filthy subconscious had just been waiting for him to realize he loved Roxas and that was all it needed to leave him in peace. Speaking of, Roxas was no longer in the bed with him; the only proof it hadn't just been a nightmare was the slight smell of Roxas still clinging to the other pillow. He inhaled sharply, trying to hold in the hysteria bubbling in his chest. He had done something in his sleep, he must have, and Roxas was gone, probably forever, and he was never going to get over this, was never going to be okay again. It was like he had always known but never realized until this moment how central Roxas was to his own existence, how the knowledge that he might not see Roxas again came hand in hand with the irrefutable knowledge that if he couldn't make it right then there wasn't a single reason for him to go on living, and honestly he probably wouldn't. And since it was with this quiet certainty in his heart that he looked up and saw a sweatpants-clad Roxas reentering the room carrying two steaming cups of coffee, how was it Axel's fault that he collapsed, boneless, off the bed and to the floor?
Once Roxas was sufficiently convinced that Axel hadn't hurt himself in his fall he dragged the older boy out to the kitchen where Roxas had made breakfast. This was, of course, in the loosest definition of the term, because Roxas had burned the eggs so badly that he had scorched the pan, but he had made coffee and toast and he had poured cereal into two bowls.
And once again, Axel was incredulous that it had taken him half so long to realize he loved Roxas, because his only response to the ruined kitchenware was to look at the crestfallen expression on the blond's face and then to ruffle Roxas's hair and ask him how he managed to be such a failure that he couldn't scramble a fucking egg. Roxas threw a pop tart pack at him in reply, which Axel deftly caught, unwrapped and popped into the toaster.
Things with Roxas were easy, Axel noticed for the first time. They always had been, the two understanding and relating to each other intuitively and in ways that Axel had never seen before or since. And now that he didn't so much feel like he was wrestling a lust-fueled depravity, he could at least act like his normal self. (This is of course not to say that things like Roxas's shirtlessness were not noted, appreciated, and catalogued away for his future enjoyment, just that he wasn't tiptoeing around it anymore). His earlier realization that he couldn't live without Roxas in his life had left him with the knowledge that he could love Roxas and not be with him in every way he wanted; he just needed to be with him. (God he was pathetic). But even if Axel didn't need to be with Roxas the way he wanted to be, there was one thing he did need to know.
"So, d'you miss your friends?" Axel asked around his s'mores pop tart as he plopped into the seat across from the blond who was currently spooning sugar on top of his Frosted Flakes.
Roxas shrugged. "Not that much; I'll see them again in a few days, and I'm here with you."
Axel took a deep breath, trying to act like this didn't matter nearly as much as it really, really did. "What about a boyfriend, you seeing anyone?"
A slight flush dusted Roxas's cheeks as he unscrewed the top of the milk carton. "Not- not really. There's this one guy I like, who I guess you could say I'm kind of trying to see, but I don't think he thinks of me like that."
The picture flashed across Axel's vision for a fraction of a second and he set his jaw firmly. "I'm sure he does," he said as evenly as he could.
Roxas shrugged and smiled. "I mean, obviously I hope so, but I've done about everything I can think of to get his attention and nothing. So I guess it's about time to cut my losses; as long as I can be near him, y'know?"
Axel smiled weakly back at him, wondering in what sort of cosmic joke of a world Roxas could be repeating his own feelings back to him. "Have you told him? After all, you never know how someone's gonna respond to you until you try." And in what sort of world would he repeat the advice he himself hadn't taken to Roxas?
Roxas shrugged again. "I mean, he's straight, so what's the point in telling him?"
Axel raised a pierced eyebrow. "I somehow doubt he's as straight as you think. Unless experimenting is a lot more common these days."
"What?"
Axel blanched. In his newfound comfort he'd somehow forgotten that Roxas had no idea he'd seen the picture. This wasn't going to be awkward or anything… "Oh, yeah, I just… the other day I, uh, I got an email that, um, it had a picture of you. With this guy. I guess maybe you were blackout or something, if you don't remember. But you both seemed very" he cleared his throat "into it, so I'm gonna guess he's more into you than you think." Axel looked up to see Roxas staring into his cereal bowl as though the secrets of the world were written on the bottom, his face positively crimson. "Rox?"
"That wasn't him," Roxas said in a very small voice. "That was my ex, Hayner. I was upset about how badly things were going with- with the guy I like, I got trashed at a party and he had just fought with his boyfriend; we both kinda backslid and somebody snapped a picture. By the time I found out it was all over the school, but yeah, I've seen it. I have no idea how you ended up with a copy." Roxas took a deep breath, "I'm sorry."
"You're sorry? Why are you sorry?"
"You shouldn't have had to see that. It didn't have anything to do with you."
"Like hell! Rox, you're my best friend. If shit like that happens to you, I want to know about it."
Roxas opened his mouth, paused and looked away, pained. "I still wish you hadn't."
The rest of the day was awkward. While the first few days it had almost seemed like it was Roxas's job to always be underfoot, tormenting Axel, today it seemed like he was consciously avoiding the redhead. On the few occasions that Axel actually did run into him, he was fully clothed, sometimes so much as to be wearing a pullover, and he always seemed busy; earbuds in, working on his spring break homework, reading a book, cleaning Axel's kitchen, something.
Frankly it was starting to piss Axel off - so he saw a picture of Roxas humping his ex's brains out, so the fuck what? Roxas had been walking around the apartment mostly naked for the better part of three days, he could suck it the fuck up and act normal!
That night Axel had given up talking to Roxas for the rest of the day and settled in on the couch, watching a Mythbusters rerun, when Roxas hopped over the back of the couch and sat cross-legged next to Axel. He didn't say anything for a good five minutes, then -
"I didn't want you to know that I'm not perfect."
Axel looked over to him, stunned, and Roxas exhaled sharply and continued.
"I want you to think that I always make the right decisions and that I do things well and that even though yes, I am a dumb teenager and I'm gonna make some stupid decisions, I didn't want you to know that I do things like sleep with the ex who cheated on me when I can't get the guy I actually like to look twice at me because my self esteem is just that low."
Axel wet his lips. "Do you still have feelings for him?" It wasn't an appropriate question, but he still had to know.
Roxas laughed a laugh that was just a shade shy of bitter and shrugged. "Honestly, I'm not sure if I ever had feelings for him. He just took the sting out of not being wanted by the person I wanted. Until he decided he didn't want me either. Pathetic, right?" a pause. "But I didn't mean to turn this into a 'poor me' pity party, I just wanted you to know why I didn't say anything. Why sometimes I don't tell you things. Won't tell you things."
Axel grabbed Roxas's arm like it was an anchor and the blond turned to look at Axel. Axel took a deep breath, steeled himself, and looked as deep as he dared into those bright eyes. "Rox, you probably don't remember this, but I sent you a letter once in which I told you that you are perfection. And I mean that now even more than I meant it then. No matter what crazy things you do or stupid decisions you may make, or pictures of you I might stumble across on the internet, you're still Roxas, and you're still the best thing that I've ever known." Roxas's lower lip trembled slightly, and his bright eyes got a fraction brighter before he looked away abruptly.
"I remember you saying that."
"I meant it."
"You hardly knew me then. You hardly know me now."
"That's bullshit and you know it. I know you better than I've ever known anyone."
"I don't know what that says about you, then," Roxas broke Axel's grip on his arm and pushed past him and out of the room, leaving Axel staring hopelessly after him, Roxas's words twisting in his stomach.
I don't know what that says about you, then.
When Axel woke the next morning, the apartment was empty. It wasn't surprising, seeing how it was the first day that Roxas had the opportunity to leave the apartment without risking getting caught by his mom (Axel frowned as he was reminded, yet again, how much younger the other boy was) but even so Axel had expected that they would go hang out somewhere else together, and couldn't help but suspect that Roxas was still deliberately avoiding him. His suspicions were further strengthened when his just-calling-to-check-in an hour later went straight to voicemail. And again thirty minutes later. And ten minutes after that.
Axel was antsy, wanting to go find Roxas and drag him home but knowing better. For one, Roxas could be anywhere. For another, if Roxas was avoiding him then Axel showing up out of the blue wherever he was would only make everything more tense and complicated, and Axel had had about enough of tense and complicated. How could he have the revelation that he was in love with Roxas and go back to behaving normally while the younger man couldn't move past Axel seeing one embarrassing picture? It was stupid and Axel was getting royally sick of it.
The redhead was sitting at the bottom of the stairs up to his apartment, periodically clicking his tongue-ring against his teeth while steadily working his way through his pack of cigarettes and pretending to be less agitated than he was, when Roxas walked up, sweatpants and hoodie clad, backpack slung over his left shoulder. He froze when he saw Axel sitting there waiting for him, and Axel smiled cheekily and saluted him. "Hey Rox."
"What are you doing down here?"
"Having a cigarette, dumbass."
"Really?" Roxas nudged the pile of cigarette butts with the toe of his shoe. "'Cause it looks like you're trying to become a carton-a-day smoker."
"What do you care how much I smoke?"
"I thought we covered the whole 'I don't want to have to tearfully jump onto your coffin when you die young' thing already."
Axel rolled his eyes. "And where have you been, mister?"
"What do you care where I've been?"
Well, Axel had no one to blame but himself for that response.
"You're my responsibility this week, squirt."
"Well in that case - out." And Roxas shouldered past him and walked up to the apartment. Axel could hear the door slam shut all the way from the ground floor, and he wondered why Roxas was so upset; he found himself praying that the mystery boy Roxas liked was in Cancun with the rest of his friends and that he wasn't in such a foul mood from taking Axel's (really Zexion's) advice.
Roxas stayed holed up in Axel's second bedroom for the rest of the day. He wouldn't come out for lunch, or for dinner. Axel had knocked a few times and even unlocked the door to stick his head in once, but Roxas had locked the door and barricaded it immediately afterwards, so he hadn't been able to since. Axel, for one, had gone from royally sick of it to intensely pissed off about it. So waited. And he waited. At eleven-forty-three he went out. He picked up take-out Chinese (General Tsao's Chicken, wonton soup, and egg rolls, Roxas's favorites), a desk fan, and a broom. And then he came back and parked his ass in front of Roxas's room, pointed the fan right at the door with the food placed strategically under it.
It wasn't even a full two minutes before Roxas opened the door. He saw Axel sitting there and his eyes grew comic-book wide before he tried to slam the door. Of course, Axel had anticipated this and placed the broom at such an angle that when the door had opened it fell into the room and became a makeshift door-stopper, thus negating Roxas's efforts. So as Roxas struggled, Axel settled his body weight against the door and leaned into it; even with all of Roxas's pushing he couldn't outhold Axel for long. The redhead stalked into the room and pushed Roxas into the nearest chair. Axel then sat down on the bed and watched as Roxas's eyes flicked towards the door.
"Try it, I dare you." Axel growled. Roxas's shoulders slumped and he turned his head to look at Axel's feet. "Now then. You've been acting like a little bitch for the last two days and seeing as my being physically ill was not a valid excuse for my erratic behavior in the world according to Roxas, I would like to know why. And being embarrassed about that picture is not an excuse since I straight up told you it doesn't affect my perception of you." Even though hell yeah, it totally had.
Roxas glared at Axel in the way only a resentful teenager can. "The fuck do you care? I'm just some goddamn obligation, right?"
"Um, Roxas, what the hell are you talking about?"
"You never wanted me here this week, right? You only said yes to humor me since I'm like your kid brother or whatever and you weren't going to say no and you just can't wait to hand me back over to my parents so I'm not your responsibility anymore. So I'll just stay in here and be quiet until the week is over and I can go home and then you never have to deal with me again if you don't actually want to. How's that sound?"
"Whoa, whoa Rox, I'm going to need you to back it the fuck up right now because I am not following you at all."
"It's what you said!"
"Are you high? I would never say anything like that."
Roxas sort of waved his hand in a desperate flail and then sagged down in the chair as though all the fight had gone out of him. "This week just hasn't been quite what I was expecting."
"Okay… so tell me what you were expecting, and we can fix it."
Roxas sighed in such a world weary way it made Axel's heart hurt for him just to hear it. "It isn't that simple, Axe. You can't just fix this."
"Try me." I will absolutely find a way to do anything, if it makes you stop sounding like this.
The blond cracked what could really only be described as a cynical half smile. "I appreciate the effort. I really do. But there's no point to it."
"Roxas, you just told me that you think I don't care about you even though I have told you repeatedly that nothing could be further from the truth. Obviously something is wrong, and it concerns me. So talk."
"It's just the whole bullshit thing we talked about yesterday; not being wanted can do a number to a person. It's making me doubt everything, to be honest."
Axel looked at him incredulously, and then took a breath, hoping he could find a way to convey everything he felt for the blond in a way that would convince him without Axel coming right out and saying it. "Roxas, if there is one thing in this whole world you can believe in indiscriminately, you should know that it will always be me."
And Roxas released a sob, not a whimper or a half sob, but an actual full-on heartbreaking sob. He dove into Axel's arms, burying his face in his chest as though that could hide his tears. Axel opened his mouth to speak, but Roxas interrupted him, shaking his head 'no' against the redheads chest before he could even start. "Don't. Please, just... I don't want to be alone."
And if it wasn't already, Axel's heart broke as he held the boy he loved. Yet he continued to hold him even as the blond cried himself out over someone else, as he fell into a restless, emotionally drained sleep. Axel held Roxas through the night and wished wished wished he could hold Roxas in the way he wanted to, because he knew he would never make Roxas cry like this.
He wasn't even surprised when he woke up this time to find the bed empty. He had drifted off sometime around three am, lulled by the smaller boy's breathing; now he regretted letting himself fall asleep, missing Roxas's awakening. Knowing Roxas, the events of the previous night had left him more embarrassed and awkward than ever; he had probably retreated for the day to hide somewhere. Axel would be lucky to see the boy again before the week was up, and even luckier to see him again for weeks after that. Stupid, stupid, he was a fucking IDIOT for falling asleep and letting Roxas leave. He sighed resolutely as he swung his legs over the side of the bed, put his feet down on the floor to face the day, reminding himself that this Roxas was still his Roxas, even if he was being something of a whiny little bitch lately.
His beeline for the coffeepot was interrupted abruptly by the sight of Roxas sitting at the kitchen table digging ravenously into Axel's leftover Chinese from the night before (Roxas's was still sprawled out across the hall, unsuitable for human consumption, Axel having made a mental note to clean it up after he had breakfast). It looked like he hadn't bothered to reheat it, since it was still in the little paper container, but Axel personally thought that shrimp fried rice was better cold than it was microwaved. He noted absently that Roxas had gotten way better at using chopsticks at some point, but mostly he was wondering why the hell Roxas was sitting at the table like nothing had happened. Roxas looked up suddenly and saw him. Axel was expecting deer-in-headlights, Axel was expecting panicked fleeing.
"Hi," Roxas smiled.
Axel hadn't been expecting that. Axel didn't know what to do with that, didn't even know where to begin. So Axel busied his hands pouring himself a mug of coffee, head spinning. "Roxas?"
"Yeah?" Roxas chirped, and Axel took a deep breath and slowly exhaled.
"Can we please save the mood swings and erratic behavior until after I've had my coffee? I can't keep up with this anymore, much less without caffeine."
He should have expected it, could have kicked himself for not knowing exactly what would fucking happen after he said that, but he was still surprised when Roxas bristled like a cat. "What's that supposed to mean?"
"And here we go," Axel muttered, tipping his head back to down the steaming hot liquid as fast as humanly possible. He was relatively certain he would never taste again, seeing how if his tongue felt this burned it logically followed that there weren't taste buds on it anymore. "Look, Rox, you have to admit you've been acting a little weird the last few days; one minute you're perfectly happy and the next minute you're sobbing into my shirt. Five minutes later, you're acting like a sullen teenager. It would just be nice to get a little warning before you change up on me."
Roxas furrowed his eyebrows. "I don't know if you've noticed, but I am a sullen teenager."
Axel sighed and massaged his temples before pouring himself another mug. "Well then the rest of your behavior is weird. I don't care what you want to qualify it as, but can just you pick a mode and stick to it? Because it's way too early and I've already got a headache and I don't know how much more of this I can deal with."
"So what I said last night actually is true, and you are sick of me and want me to go away."
"God DAMNIT Roxas, I never said that!" Axel slammed the mug into the counter so hard that the bottom of the mug chipped, coffee slopping over the rim. He turned to look at Roxas, exasperated.
"If it's not true, then why are you so angry with me? Why did you spend the first three days I was here acting so fucking distant that it was like you were barely here to begin with? Why didn't you - " And Roxas halted, the venomous expression disappearing off his face abruptly as his eyes widened and he clapped his hand to his mouth.
"Why didn't I what? Roxas?" The blond shook his head violently, keeping his hand firmly in place. "Why didn't I what, Roxas?" Axel knelt frantically before the smaller man, his hands latching onto the smaller boy's shoulders, pulling the hand from his mouth as the redhead stared as hard as he could into the blue eyes that seemed to want to look anywhere but at him. "Roxas, LOOK at me. WHAT DIDN'T I DO?"
"Anything!" the blond burst out, shoving Axel away from him, tears welling in his eyes. "You didn't do anything, and that's what's wrong."
"I didn't… Roxas, that doesn't make sense. If I didn't do anything then why are you upset?" Roxas shook his head again, and Axel's eyes suddenly widened in maddening comprehension. He wasn't sure he even dared to suspect, but there were bubbles starting in his belly that were either going to make him fly away or violently sick, depending on the outcome of the next five minutes. His words were quiet, but he knew Roxas heard them by the way he stiffened. "What did you want me to do?" Roxas was very pointedly not looking at him, his eyes trained on the upper right corner of the kitchen cabinet. "Roxas, please." Maybe it was the slight tinge of begging evident in Axel's words that undid the blond, he wasn't sure. But Roxas opened his mouth and spoke, his voice cracking sharply on Axel's name.
"That's not the question, Axel." The horrible bitterness was back in his voice, and it made Axel want to cry.
"Then what is the question?" Axel could barely breathe, could barely hear for the blood pounding in his ears, wouldn't have heard Roxas next words were it not for the fact that every atom in his body was trained on the other boy, waiting with simultaneous perfect calmness and frenzied agitation for the words, the words that could be the most important words he would ever hear.
"The question, Axel," and here Roxas's exhaled shudderingly, in a way that made it all too clear that tears were imminent."Was what didn't I want you to do?"
"Are you- does this-"
Roxas lurched up out of the chair then, pushing past the dumbfounded, still kneeling, Axel. He didn't flee the kitchen, as Axel might have expected. Instead, he paced like a caged animal. "It's stupid. It's nothing, or at least it should be. I've been- I've been overreacting to everything, I don't need- don't want anything from you that you don't want to give me. I'm just a stupid teenager, after all, and I couldn't ask you for more. I know I wouldn't get it, even if you were... But it's you, god it's always been you. You're the only one, since I even knew what that meant, you're the stupid reason I was with Hayner and the reason I can't seem to act like an adult when I'm with you, and I knew it was stupid, ridiculous, insane of me to even hope, but I thought maybe if we spent long enough together you could maybe see me differently. It was impossible and knew that, I fucking knew it, but I still let myself hope, god why did I do that? And it was so unfair of me to take out my disappointment on you and if you hate me for all of this I understand, I kind of hate me too, but please, can I just stay until Sunday, just to stay near you for now? You never have to see me again after that, I promise. And I'm sorry, I'm so sorry to have put you through all of this, I had no right. I-"
Axel had climbed to his feet as Roxas was talking (the younger man had somehow picked up speed in his tirade as Axel had stood, had come closer to him, and finally ended standing right in front of him). Finally he clapped his hand over the blond's mouth. He looked into the smaller man's feverish blue eyes and tried to will himself to calm. "Roxas. Are you saying what I think you're saying?" Roxas's look of desperation only intensified, and Axel shook his head, cursing himself. "No, let me rephrase. Are you saying that… that you love me?" The blond tried to look away, but Axel held tight to his chin. "Roxas. This is important." God, this is so important. "Do you love me?"
The blond let out a whimper and closed his eyes, but he nodded.
"Holy Christ, Rox, why didn't you just fucking take my advice and say something?" Roxas's eyes snapped back open as Axel pulled him into a clumsy hug.
"Wha-what?"
"I've been in love with you since the moment I met you, dumbass. It just… took me a while to realize it."
The blond let out a keening little breath, then he pulled away, eyes narrowed. "How long?"
"Um… since Wednesday night?"
And suddenly Roxas was laughing and he was smiling and he hit Axel in the chest "You fucking asshole, and you didn't say anything either?"
"Well you were going on and on about how you were in love with this one guy-"
"Yeah, that was you, idiot."
"-And before that I had seen a picture of you in which you looked, if you'll pardon the expression, taken. So excuse me for not rushing to get my heart broken."
"Poor baby, two whole days of uncertainty and torment! I'll alert the media, see if we can get you a medal."
"You know what, never mind, you're an asshole and I want nothing to do with you." Any fears Roxas may have had about truth in that statement were belied by the way Axel couldn't stop smiling; the apples of his cheeks were actually starting to hurt.
"Better than being an oblivious idiot for seventeen years,"
"I'll take oblivious idiot over prickly little bitch any day."
Roxas gasped in mock horror. "You take that back, you fucking beanpole."
And to this day, neither of them were sure who started it, but they were suddenly face to face, mouth to mouth, and Axel was kissing Roxas and it was the best damn kiss he'd ever had, the best thing he'd ever felt, and he knew, with every fiber of his being, that this was the best fucking thing to ever happen to him and there would never, ever be anyone better for him, anyone else for him, and this was everything he could ever have hoped for. And Roxas pulled away, wide-eyed, and they stared at each other for a moment before Axel breathed out the words he should have said seventeen years ago in the hospital delivery room, had known somewhere inside of him since then.
"I love you."
And suddenly Roxas was kissing him again, and Axel wasn't sure if he was laughing or crying, so he just closed his eyes and let it happen.
Epilogue:
Aerith was less than thrilled when she found out that Axel and Roxas were a couple, but they had decided to wait those last three weeks until Roxas turned eighteen before they told her, so she was going to have to just learn to deal with it. She did, in time, particularly once Axel decided to quit smoking (by force).
Roxas's friends were ecstatic when they met Axel, and Axel had learned that Roxas was apparently a chatterbox at school, at least when he came up. (Who knew?) Nonetheless, their meeting had been much less awkward than it could have been, Roxas had assured him. Axel had laughed, because he actually kind of liked Roxas's friends.
Axel had also learned that one of Roxas's friends, Demyx, happened to be dating Zexion. That had been a particularly awkward group picnic, especially when he had realized that Zexion was not the least surprised to see him because Demyx had told Zexion everything long before Axel had met the slate-haired man. When confronted, Zexion had just shrugged and said 'You weren't ready then. Besides, it all worked out.' Axel had shaken his head, flabbergasted but unable to refute his point.
Axel and Zexion became good friends over time, and Axel eventually really did feel accepted as a part of the team at D.i.Z. before he and Zexion put in to be transferred to the new Radiant Garden's branch so Demyx and Roxas could attend HBU.
Axel never found out who reeks was, though Roxas did once mention that he had heard that his friend Riku had collected big time on a betting pool his friends had about if and when Roxas and Axel might get together.
They eventually moved back to Twilight Town, once Roxas had earned his Business degree with a minor in creative writing. They bought a house in midtown and they rescued a golden-retriever-lab mix, Namine, from a local shelter, and at the end of every day, Axel got to go home to the only person who had always been there, who would always be there.
Life's never perfect, but Axel figured that they'd gotten about as close as you could.
Yes, I totally demoted Namine to being a dog. Sue me ;D
(Please don't actually sue me, your court fees would be way higher than anything you might get out of me).
Happy Valentines day! ~ 3
2020 Reformat AN: Thanks for reading! If you enjoyed this, you can also read the story from Roxas's perspective in my companion piece, "Say it Now."