Sorry this chapter is a bit longer I wanted to finish it at a set part the next chapter is a bit shorter
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Hope you enjoy this chapter
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Closing her eyes briefly "the images stay with you Brian I was protecting myself but I also was protecting you those images stay with you and I didn't want you to have them"
Holding her hand he could remember the day it happened how for 2 days he didn't do anything not knowing "it is probably no worse than what I imagined he put you through" he could still remember the words from Amanda and Munch, Munch saying he was involved with the victim, hearing Olivia as the victim "knowing he already had you for 2 days imagining what he was doing to you wondering if you were still alive, wondering if he was raping and torturing you the hope that some of his victims he let live not all of them died what he did to them, it was then I couldn't imagine my life without you and realized I wanted more than just the hook ups you not opening up Liv the images that were in my head were made worse and you not talking about it I thought …..."
Looking up at him his hazel eyes that face she didn't even think of that "I'm sorry Brian I thought I was protecting you and me by not telling you, the images it put in my head I didn't want them in your head, you saw what he did to me … I didn't think how it would of affected you, I wouldn't of gotten through it all without you though, the nightmares all of it you were there for me even when I pushed you away, for 2 months you took me into your apartment and made sure I was okay gave me the space when I needed it, just held me at night didn't try to have sex with me until I was ready, came to my apartment I took you for granted through it all not realizing how it was affecting you and you still wanted us to move in together"
This was a part of Olivia he hadn't seen her opening up it was what he had wanted for so long "I wanted you at my apartment Liv I wanted us to get closer after living together for 2 months getting through that it seemed right for both of us"
Here was the man she had fallen in love with, everything about him she had fallen in love with she had explored every part of his body as he had with hers he had made her feel like she hadn't before "Brian what if I was pregnant then when you were relieved I wasn't would you of still stayed?"
His eyes moving around he remembered how his heart nearly stopped beating when she said she thought she was pregnant and was going to take the test that day and the relief when she wasn't "I wouldn't of left you Liv if you were pregnant I would of stayed by you I wouldn't of let you go through that by yourself I know it is what you want a family and I never said no"
Interrupting him her eyes not moving from his "you didn't say anything, not even yes when I asked all you said was you didn't see yourself growing old"
Reaching out to touch her face watching as she pulled backwards "I don't but if I did it would have been with you and I wouldn't of let you go through it alone I couldn't do that to you Liv"
Feeling tears come to her eyes, why didn't' they talk like that previously she needed to leave it was getting dangerous she couldn't let herself fall in love with him again to take the chance, getting up off the chair, putting some money on the table "take care Brian"
Standing up he could see her trying to keep it together putting his money on the table as they walk outside pulling him towards her kissing her on top of the head "you too Liv" watching as she walks away he didn't want her out of his life in a way now he wished that pregnancy test was positive they might actually still be together and trying to work out their problems
Walking out of the café blinking back the tears that were forming the confusion there she was starting a fresh new relationship moving forward why did she ask him about the pregnancy scare if only they had been that open instead she had ended it thinking they weren't on the same page.
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Walking inside her apartment looking around there were a few things of Declan's here now not many but he was spending time here or her at his place he had given her a key to his place and he now had a key to this apartment, the key that was Brians the key he gave back to her after he took the last of his things, leaving it on the table with a note, the one thing she kept the reminder of what she gave up "I wish things worked out differently Liv, take care Love Brian" the first note that he used the word love on the final note he would give to her.
She was still shaking slightly after meeting Brian he had stirred up something inside of her, she had wanted closure to be able to move on to say goodbye to finish that part of her life to let go of him for ever she didn't realize when she said "I love you too Brian, always will" what that meant that she actually did mean it, she was going to tell him she had met someone else but they had opened up spoken freely, she hadn't realized what he went through the not knowing what had happened to her was worse than actually knowing. Her nightmares that he was always there for would have been hard on him too knowing that she was reliving it but having no idea what happened who frightening it would have been for him the images that he would have had in his mind.
She didn't get closure she was more confused than ever. Why did she ask him about the what if, she was better off not knowing that he would of stuck by her did she really know him. She was moving on with her life with someone who wanted to grow old with her and maybe he wanted kids if it went that way. They were careful at the moment she was back on the pill again they had played it safe, she was getting older did Declan want more kids, is that what she wanted from him.
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Lying on the couch she would have to get ready soon, he was coming over to go out to dinner, he would drive her to places where they would not be seen together.
Her eyes trying to focus as they drive along why did she meet Brian smiling up at Declan here was a man who wanted to be with her yet her mind kept going back to Brian.
Looking around as the car pulls up "what's going on here"
Opening the door putting his hands over her eyes "trust me here Liv"
Following him inside the darkness on her eyes not being able to see she could feel herself start to sweat her eyes open but unable to see she is back in Lewis's car on the floor with the tarp over her, her mouth duct taped trying to focus on things around her as he pulls the tarp up over her more as she hears the gun shot, the young officer killed for asking too many questions. Put in the car at the granary before being pushed along feeling the gun held to her head by herself and Lewis, throwing her body down on the table before tying her hands to the table. Feeling his hands groping her before moving down to her belt as she froze in that moment she hoped that not resisting would prevent what she thought was the inevitable that for the first time she was going to be raped and this time she had accepted it. Trying to get her breathing under control was this what it was going to be like small things triggering the flashbacks never being able to move on from what he did to her.
He could feel her start to tremble her skin starting to become clammy she was trying to walk she was in fear "Liv"
Trying to remain in control to stop the flashbacks her hands coming up to her eyes to his hands "no" her hands shaking
Looking at Olivia there was something wrong "Liv…. Liv talk to me" moving his hands away from her eyes turning her around to look at her looking into her eyes, they were glassed over she wasn't with him.
Her eyes moving around she could see again looking at the face in front of her Murphy "I'm fine"
She wasn't fine far from it, looking at the fear that was there, her eyes not focusing on him at first something was going on, holding on to her she looked fragile. The door of the lift opening, guiding her to the room he wanted it to be a surprise but somehow his hands over her eyes had, THE PTSD flashbacks she was reliving something his money was on Lewis.
Walking into the room her eyes moving around coming back to the present her breathing starting to get under control, she hated the way her body and mind reacted to the situation. Her mouth open in surprise laid out before her were two chairs and a table with champagne in a bucket and food on the table. Walking over to the table, oysters, prawns spread out turning to Declan "this is amazing"
Moving over to her the surprise on her face seeing the colour come back and the shaking stopped "I'm so sorry Liv, I wanted it to be a surprise"
Shaking her head walking over to kiss him on the lips, moving over to the window the view overlooking the city and the water "you shouldn't of done this"
Looking at her it was her way of moving on from what happened not wanting to talk about it "you are worth it"
Sitting at the table as the waiters walk in, filling up her glass and bringing in the food it was amazing she had never had anything like this before looking up at him "Thank you this is wonderful"
Reaching out for her hand her eyes and face had come back to him "I just wanted the night to be special, I'm sorry about before I didn't mean to scare you Liv or bring back any memories"
Her eyes looking down at her plate she was embarrassed about how she over reacted "I'm sorry Dec, it… it bought back … it reminded" she couldn't open up and say it
Looking into her huge eyes "it bought back memories of what Lewis did to you, its nothing to be ashamed of Liv I should of thought before I did it"
Stroking his hand she didn't want the images or anything in his head "you weren't to know, let's just enjoy this"
Looking into her eyes he wished that Lewis had never happened to her, he could remember walking into the granary seeing her there blood over her face, the shock on her face sitting in the car "we have the whole night to enjoy this before heading back to work tomorrow"
Leaning over the table to kiss him "did I miss something, it's not my birthday, is it your's?"
Their kiss soft and gentle what was he to say that it had been two months now that they started going out would she think any less of him "it's been 2 months since we first started going out, I wanted to do something special"
Her eyes raised at him "if I get this for 2 months what would a year be"
A small laugh escaping from him "you will have to go out with me for that long to find out, but I guarantee it will be special and worth it"
Finishing the meal looking at his girlfriend the colour now back on her face, her eyes lighting up again he felt so lucky that she had agreed to go out with him, to become his girlfriend "room for dessert?"
Getting up off the seat her eyes not moving from him "maybe we can work up an appetite for it" walking over to his seat, sitting on his lap as her his lips finding their the kissing intensifying
His arms wrapping around her "I like the sound of that" his lips hungrily meeting hers as they stand up moving over to the bed his hands fumbling with her clothes watching as they fall to the ground to expose her undies and bra he would never tire looking at her.
Both of them falling down onto the satin sheets as their hands move around each other, their lips exploring their bodies it isn't long before he slowly enters her, his rhythm slow at first before becoming faster and faster their bodies becoming one.
Walking out of the hotel the following morning the night had been amazing they finally had some dessert in the early hours of the morning when they were able to tear themselves apart only to build up an appetite for more their hands and mouths exploring every part of their body his mouth finding places that sent her wild that she wanted him inside of her wanted his tongue moving around giving her one orgasm after the other trying to hold on so they could come together he had awoken her body again sent her to places she hadn't been for a while. They had finally fallen asleep him still inside of her their hands wrapped around either other as close as they could be, only to wake up a few hours later unable to keep their hands and mouths off each other him entering her again and again.
Hand in hand walking out to the car "now you expect me to be able to concentrate at work"
Looking at Olivia a smile on his face the night was more than he imagined "I know that feeling, watching you at your desk unable to hold or touch you counting down the minutes until I can feel your lips your touch again, some days it drive me crazy"
Turning to face him as they arrive at the car "only some days"
Pulling her towards him "every day but now I get to finish work and able to hold you and more not just watch from afar"
Reaching up touching his face before finding his lips "tonight though I need some sleep"
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Her eyes open wide the sweat on her shaking she hadn't had a nightmare for ages for weeks now sitting up looking around she had them after Brian left and after Lewis shot himself but for a few months they had gone trying to get her breathing under control she was used to Brian's arms around her his soothing words, even though she had never told him what happened he always woke up comforting her stroking her until the shaking stopped going back to sleep with his arms back around her most of the time not going to sleep until he knew she was asleep.
She was reliving it all again the moment she walked into her apartment to find him standing there with the gun in hand "welcome home Detective" the fear in her eyes as he got her gun for 4 days she was tortured and in her mind that he was going to rape and kill her or leave her somewhere to die, she found it hard to forget what she saw unable to help Mrs Mayer whilst she was raped passing out instead begging for her life. Once Lewis was dead there was closure but now here they are again something had triggered them to start them off again she was right back at the beach house her old apartment it was all there.
He heard a slight scream waking up he saw here there sitting up on the bed shaking and sweating slightly seeing her knees bent up towards her chest. Sitting up on the bed concern in his eyes, her eyes slightly glazed over staring straight ahead, not wanting to startle her touching her arm gently " Liv" seeing her turn to face him but not even focusing or looking at him " Liv, what's happening"
Seeing Declan looking at her concern in his eyes she didn't want him to see her like this she was trying to control it "its okay sorry to wake you up"
Pulling her towards him "LIv you're not okay you're shaking" nightmares she was having a nightmare after what she went how could he not see it, she had mentioned it briefly a while ago and the incident at the hotel but this was worse she was scared she was elsewhere reliving it all.
Closing her eyes the images going they had woken her up they were so real again it wasn't just a bad dream it had happened to her, he had burnt her body, her breathing was so rapid she was trying to come back to the present.
Seeing the look in his eyes she knew that he knew it wasn't hard to guess she wanted the nightmares to stop "I'll be ok Dec" how could she open up to him when she never opened up to Brian.
He hated seeing her like that Lewis even dead still had a grip on her, he had never asked what he put her through she had never offered "you want to talk?"
Shaking her head she couldn't open up to him she didn't want the images in anyone elses head she didn't want anyone to know what he actually did to her, how come she came to being raped, how she was tortured for days "no, I'm fine, go back to sleep, sorry to wake you up"
Shaking his head his arms around her she was protecting herself "I'm not going back to sleep Liv until I know you're okay, it's normal to have them after what you went through" pulling her close wrapping his arms around her feeling her shaking still what did that bastard do to her
Her head against his chest her breathing coming back to normal "I thought they had stopped, I hardly have them now Lewis" closing her eyes remembering his image in front of her just before "he said this is the last thing you'll ever think about before you die, the last thing you're going to see"
Trying to stop the shaking remembering his hand moving down to undo her belt, his lips on hers grappling with her breasts his mouth moving around her neck she was blocking it out "he's dead but he is still in my head"
Feeling her shaking "Lewis wanted to get into your head" watching as she fiddles with her hands "have long have you had the nightmares for?"
Feeling his hand running up and down her arm "since he kidnapped me Brian would wake up or I would wake him up with them and hold me they were nearly every night at one stage all the time reliving it all it was like I was back there, Brian …." Shaking her head she couldn't think of that or how he helped her not now it was painful enough she put him through so much
Stroking her head the only comfort he got was knowing that Cassidy was there for her helping her through it and as much as he hated it he got her through a lot and she knew it "no one should have to go through what you went through, no one could come out it not affected by it, the scene at the granary at the very least, I don't know what he did to you when he took you hostage but knowing what he is like, the nightmares Liv are nothing to be ashamed off, you did so well through it all I don't think anyone could come out of it unscathed"
Lying back in bed nestled in his arms against his body the shaking going slightly, she thought she was over the nightmares that they had finally left her but here they had come back just as bad as last time the images still there fresh, would she ever not have them or relive those 4 days over again.
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Walking into Dr Lindstrom's office it had been a while since she had been here a few times when Lewis shot himself but his words helped that she was able to move on that she was here and alive and he was dead.
Looking at Olivia it had been a while "how have you been Olivia, it's been a while since you have been here"
Leaning back in the chair "I started having the nightmares again, they had gone away and I hadn't had any in a few months, they have come back again just as bad I was reliving the whole 4 days again the feeling that I wasn't going to escape the feeling that he was in control and my life was in his hands that he was going to rape me at the end, the assault was bad enough but it was like remembering what it was like that he was trying to find a place to rape me, he said that I wasn't going to leave their alive" running her hands over her face "the feeling at the granary that I had accepted he was going to rape me there to save Amelia I can feel his hands and touch on me, his lips on my neck, the images are so fresh in my mind still
Leaning forward in his chair "anything that set it off Olivia"
Fiddling with her hands "I met up with Brian for coffee a couple of days ago we got talking, something we should of done a while ago I opened up slightly to him, we really talked ….. it doesn't matter"
His eyes on Olivia "go on it seems it does matter if the nightmares have come back"
Leaning forward "I wasn't going to mention I thought he didn't want kids I shouldn't of but I asked him what would of happened if that test was positive and I was pregnant when I thought of that totally different future when I had that brief hope" looking down at her hands "he told me that he would of stayed with me stuck by me here"
"You think you made a mistake now, that you are now confused?"
Her eyes not looking at him "I was thinking he didn't want kids I wanted a family and I thought he didn't so broke up with him maybe I was wrong, he got me through one of the darkest period of my life he held me every night he was there for me, then I pushed him away" fiddling with her hands "I've started a new relationship it's only been a couple of months now no one knows, we went out for dinner he put his hands over my eyes that one thing brought back the flashbacks, they are there always in the back of my mind"
"you're strong Olivia and you have gotten through it all before you will again"
Nodding at him "I know but Brian was the one who got me through so much, I didn't think he would ever leave me but I left him and for a while I thought I'd made the right decision as hard as it was we were going in different directions"
Leaning forward in his seat "you don't give yourself enough credit Olivia you got yourself through a lot. First you give Lewis credit for being inside your head and what you thought you'd have to live with and Brian did help you but you helped yourself Olivia you pulled through this on your own, you went through a lot and you had help with dealing with it and getting through it all.
Her eyes up at him "I never opened up to him I never told him what happened he was so patient with me the whole time me pushing him away, holding me each night I thought I was protecting him with the images but I was really protecting myself never realizing what it did to him how he suffered too wondering what happened. I pushed him away so often and the last time, did I make the right decision. They nightmares had gone away and all it took was one meeting with Brian for them to come back, speaking to him my mind everything…" she couldn't say anymore she had said enough.
Looking at Olivia she was a strong woman "now you're not sure, you want him back, what's stopping you then if that is what you want, is something new so scary the unknown?"
Her eyes moving around slightly "is it what I want I don't know anymore, I thought I was able to move on enjoy the new relationship I was in, it was so different I wanted closure I thought that was what would happen when I met him but instead we did what we should of done we talked openly. I think he wants to give us another chance I don't know what to do I am happy now with Declan he wants what I want" shaking her head "I just don't know anymore"
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She told Murphy she was visiting her brother she needed to get away and think to see what she wanted she didn't know what she wanted. She thought she was over Cassidy was moving on but she wasn't so sure now. The feelings she had for him were hard to go away he was the only guy she had said I love you too that she had wanted to move in with. She was the one who broke it off so why couldn't she move on she had someone who wanted to be with her, who was wonderful in so many ways. If she continued to push him away would she end up losing him too.
Walking along the beach she needed to clear her mind to think straight to make a decision, the uncertainty of what she was feeling was causing the images to come back in her head the nightmares to reoccur she needed them all to stop.
She had been away for now 24 hours she knew what she had to do, taking out her phone making a phone call "Can you meet me I'm at Long Island a little guest house here" hanging up the phone was she making the right decision she had time to think and be by herself she had to do what was right for her.
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Next chapter: who did Olivia call, is she giving up on love totally or is she ready to commit more and if so it is to Cassidy or Murphy.