"Jean. Jean, wake up...Jean!"

"Marco its Saturday, let's just sleep in."

"No, we're going to the beach today, remember? We gotta get there early before all the good parking spaces get taken." He argued and I could already see the pout on his face without even opening my eyes.

I groaned, yet it amazed me how happy and energetic he could be even in the morning. I swear his body didn't know time. Twenty-four/seven, he greets me with a smile, never hesitates to do the smallest kind gestures like holding the door open for me, or wrapping a blanket around me when I fall asleep on the couch tired from overtime at work. How am I so lucky he loves a grouch like me?

"Pleeease! I'll drive, you can sleep in the car, and I already made breakfast. "

I chuckle "Well someone's being persuasive today. But...I don't think that's the way to persuade me." I hinted. He seemed to get the message after a minute, I didn't have to open my eyes to see the clearly confused, calculating expression on his face as he deciphered what I just said.

He climbed beneath the covers to get to me, wrapping his arms around my middle. He left a trail of soft kisses up my neck towards my face. "Please, Jean, I really want to spend some time with you at the beach," he pleaded softly in my ear. It took a lot of might not to shiver at the touch of his lips on my skin. "I'll let you pick which swimsuit I get to wear."

I laughed. "Alright you've convinced me." Then I surprise him by turning over, my body half on top of his I smile humored by his yelp, and plant a kiss on his forehead before resting my forehead against his. "I love you Marco."

"I love you too Jean."

I turn over in the cold sheets of my bed, searching for the warmth of Marco's body next to me. Then I remember;

I open my eyes to the empty space next to me. Marco isn't here and to tell the truth, I may never see him again.

Sighing, I roll out of bed and stretch like a cat, extending my limbs and yawning. I look over to my cheap old flip phone that was strictly for business use only, picked it up and flipped it open.

'3 New Text Messages.' It read.

I opened the messages and they all had addresses and a message at the end like, 'Let's play.' or 'You'll be calling my name for sure babe.' They're pretty gross.

I rolled my eyes at their desperation. They must be married and have wives. I concluded. Because no one sounds that desperate in a single text message except whenever they're married and in need of a good fuck.

Sometimes I wonder if I've ever really given up hope on Marco. There were days I could get so high, for that brief moment I could forget the pain. Then there were days I let myself believe there was still hope, if not for the sake Marco was okay, that he might still come home, then so I could get up each day just to get on with my life.

When someone dies its sad. But at least those people get closure; they get to move on. I had to live not knowing if Marco was dead or alive. If he was dead, was it at least quick and painless, how long did he have to suffer, did he ever stand a chance at survival? If he was alive, where was he, why hasn't he come home yet, was he held prisoner somewhere and threatened to be killed if he ever tried to get back to me?

I groaned into my pillow. These were the questions that haunted me, day by day. At night, I was usually able to sleep with the help of tranquilizers. I was grateful for those at least.

Most nights passed without the nightmare that used to terrify me, yet some nights, like last night, if be blessed with a memory of my days with Marco.

But now that the bliss that came with the pleasant remembrance had faded, the investing pain seethed. And I needed my morphine.

I looked up from my pillow to the picture of me and Marco, faintly touching it, then I reached into my drawer for the syringe hidden between my clothes.

Don't judge me. I need the high, if not for the pain, to get through the day. I pressed the needle against the skin inside my elbow. I watched as it broke through the soft flesh. It used to scare the hell out of me, now I welcomed it. I pressed down and felt the liquid surge through my veins. I feel back onto my bed, letting the drugs quick in and take over, taking me to unknown places, where I had no sense of who I was not the sense to care.

I still had a good hour or so before the drugs took over completely so, I rolled out of my crappy bed groaning and standing up, stumbling a bit but standing up straight eventually. I looked over to the picture frame with the photograph in it of Marco and I. I could feel the corners of my lips turn upward; I was smiling. This was one of the only times I ever smiled, whenever I thought about, talked about or saw Marco.

Fuck. I miss him so much. So, fucking damn much. Shit! Marco, why couldn't have you just stayed with me. Sometimes, I think it was all my fault. If I would have just made him stay the night like I tried to, all of this would have never happened. I used to blame the police for his disappearance, if they would have just looked for him longer. Then, when his parents gave up, I blamed them for not looking for their son. But then I realized there was only one person to blame.

Me. I was to blame.

If I had just made him stay. If I had just pushed on more, this would have never happened. But I didn't. I didn't make him stay, I let him go and that was damn stupid of me. So fucking stupid. I know that all of this, is my fault. If I had made him stay, he would be here.

If I had made him stay, I wouldn't be some whore on the streets. I wouldn't be some druggie trying to forget everything about Marco, his face, his laugh, voice and even his light angel kisses and hugs. Because damn, those are what really got me. They're so addicting.

I stepped out of my thoughts to walk into the kitchen that was connected with my living room, if you can even call it that. It looked like nobody lived there, because in truth I didn't. Because when Marco was gone, I stopped living. I just survive in this cold undead world.

Opening the fridge, I see the same contents as last night; Nothing. Sighing, I walk to my bedroom and find some clean clothing. Pulling on my light wash skinny jeans, I find a white shirt and decide it's good enough and pull that on over my head.

I start walking over to my door where I find an old pair of Converse. They were a year or two old but they were better than those damned boots from last night. Slipping the old chucks on, I grabbed my wallet and hoodie and set off to the store.

I checked my basket, I had half a dozen eggs, a half-gallon of milk and some other things. Typical things you'd find in a kitchen and started for the check out. I was just walking up to the checkout line 6 and then I saw a familiar mop of brown locks and a shorter raven.

Oh Fucking shit. It was Eren and Levi. I immediately ducked and headed the other way but apparently, Eren has mind reading powers, "Hey, Levi is that Jean?"

"Shut up brat. Leave people alone."

"But Levi~ It looks like Jean. That horse faced bastard hasn't even said anything to anyone in what, a year, year in a half, two years?"

"Eren, you shitstain stop. Just keep to yourself."

"But I just wanna see if it's him. If it's not, then I'll leave."

"Brat stay your ass over he-"

But Eren was already coming over to me and saying things. "Jean, hey Jean is that you?" Oh fuck. I just kept walking hoping he'd get the hint but it didn't seem to faze him because he just kept walking towards me so I picked up the pace a bit.

But to my dumb luck, I eventually ran into someone causing myself to fall and turned around.

"Hey you horse faced fucker, where have you been? It's been about two years since I saw your face."

I tried to get up and just walk away but he caught my shirt and I could already feel the high kicking in. Please no, no anywhere but here and in front of him. Then I saw his boyfriend? No that's right they got married a while back, his husband Levi round the corner.

"Oi, brat didn't I fucking tell you to leave people alone? You completely ignored me like I was a pile of shit in someone's yard. But no, you just had to go off and fucking annoy people, didn't you?" The shorter guy scolded Eren. He was eyeing me suspiciously as he talked keeping his eyes on my arms.

Why would he be- Oh fuck. I looked down to see that my sleeves had been pulled up a bit and there were small dots where I had pricked and injected different kinds of drugs into my system. It was as if he knew what they were from.

"Brat go get the shopping basket you made me leave, I'll be back I just need to get something from this isle." Levi turned to Eren and shooed him off then once the brunet was out of earshot he stepped up to me. "Look, I don't know where you've been the past two years nor do I care but I'll have you know, I know what those dots are on your arms so no hiding it from me. But I just have one question, what the fuck were you thinking?"

I just shrugged and looked down a bit considering I was taller by about a foot. "It just helped take the pain away. But it doesn't work, I still have dreams, memories and I still remember him. But it helps me cope somehow." Levi looked ready to smack my head off and watch it roll down the streets laughing.

"So, this is how you cope? Drugs? Do they make you a better person, no. Is that where you've been? Being a druggie like I used to be myself? Kid, you don't know what you're in for and I suggest you get out while you can."

I didn't let his words bother or get to me because I was already in too deep. I've probably smoked and injected everything I could. I haven't tried snorting cocaine or anything simply for the fact that I hate things up my nose.

I was in so deep, I don't think I could ever get out. I was stuck here. We sat in silence for a moment until Eren came back with their basket and kissed Levi on the cheek, breaking the awkward moment. They shared a small thanks and a peck or two and then Eren turned to me, happiness and joy gone, just glaring at me.

"So horse fucker, where the hell have you been? Care to explain why you haven't so much as called or bothered to return any texts or emails? Well, do you? I'm waiting for an answer." He sounded deadly with a glare that could almost challenge his husband's. Almost but not quite.

"I've been...around." I hesitated fidgeting with my sleeves. Levi noticed but as for Eren, he didn't, he was too preoccupied with interrogating me to pay attention.

"That's it? 'I've been around'?" He pushed.

"Where were you when Connie got married? Or when Sasha had her kid? Or when Berthold and Reiner got married? Where were you when everyone needed you? Why do you say you were around when really, you weren't?" He asked voice going softer and a look in his eyes that just screamed and searched for answers from me.

I looked down at my shoes, shifting my weight deciding whether to tell him the truth or lie. If I lied, Levi would know because he already knew the answer. But if I told the truth, I'd hurt Eren. We may have not been the best of friends but we cared for each other like brothers over the years as we got older. I was about to open my mouth to say something that was far from the truth. but the look that the short man was giving me suggested I shouldn't because only in time, Eren would find out one way or another.

Either I tell him or Levi. And if I don't...I have to but I don't want to. So, I came up with a plan.

"If you want to know, just go to this address at 10pm tonight that's when I get back from my...errands. Then, I can tell you." I said in a hushed tone, picking up a marker from one of the shelves and ripping a piece of paper off of one of the notebooks in the isle. Just so happened, we ended up in the school supply.

I wrote down my address and what time and gave it to my old friend. "Don't be late Jaeger." I added while walking away to go pay for my items.

As I walked over to my fridge to put the eggs, cheese, milk and other things in it, I looked at the time. The clock read '2:36 'pm.

Okay, I still have a few more minutes until I have to make my first run. So, I walked down my empty hallway to my bedroom to get one last look at the photograph of Marco and I. "I'll be back soon Marco." I whispered and gave the picture one last look. As I exited the room, I could feel the stinging sensation of tears behind my eyes building.

"Come back again babe, you're a feisty one," He paused then trailed his fingers up my arm in a disgusting manner that was completely absurd, "And I like feisty." I could smell the alcohol on his breath still lingering there. I shook his arm off of me and turned to face him, holding my hand out. The guy-I don't know his name nor do I care- placed a few bills into my hand and I left.

As I got farther from the place, I started counting the money. "Twenty, Sixty, Eighty." All of it was there. Good. I don't need a false amount I can't afford that at any costs. It was now dark time and that was my last customer of the day, hopefully for the next few days because I can't handle much more of this bullshit for any longer.

It was dark now and all of the city lights were on. It reminds me of when Marco and I would roam the nights, hand in hand. His favorite time to go was during Christmas to see all of the bright and pretty lights. I can remember him waking me up in the middle of the night just to see those damned lights.

"Jean! Jean C'mon you gotta get up!"

I groaned in annoyance, I had just gone to sleep and it was morning already? What the fuck man. "Jean! C'mon wake up sleepy head, we need to see them before it's too late." What? See what before it's too late? Is someone dying that I don't know about? Oh shit. I immediately shot out of bed and the first thing I said was, "Wha- Marco, who's dying?" I was confused. We sat in silence for a moment before his laughter filled the room, bouncing off the walls and into my ears like music. I always loved it when Marco laughed, it always brought a smile to my face.

After a minute or two of him laughing, he died down a bit and caught his breath. "J-Jean. Oh, oh my. No, nobody's dying that I know of. I meant we need to go see the lights! The Christmas lights downtown silly." I let out a breath of relief. Thank heavens, I was worried. Wait-Christmas lights?

"Marco love, the Christmas lights are only on at night and the early morning...you woke me up in the day time...right?" I asked. My freckled lover laughed nervously while rubbing the back of his neck.

"Well, Jean, you see...it's three in the morning…" He trailed off. I looked to the bedside clock and sure enough, it read '3:02' in the morning. Great.

"Marco," I began slowly, "Love, why did you wake me up at three in the morning? I need my sleep you know."

He looked down and looked like a kicked puppy which really made me feel guilty. Then, tears were on the brink of escaping his precious eyes and I felt bad for making him cry. "I-I'm really s-s-sorry J-Jean. I-I just wanted t-to see th-the lights with y-you." He choked out. He thought I was mad at him.

I moved over to him and brought the freckled face cutie into my lap, stroking his hair. "Shh, it's fine Marco, we'll go see the lights. We'll see all the Christmas lights in the world if that's what you wanted. Just please, don't cry. I love you too much to see you cry." I soothed him while he hiccupped and cried softly.

After a minute or two, he slowly got up and dried his eyes and was about to say something when I cut him off, "Yes Marco, we are still going to see the lights so don't even say that if I don't want to I don't have to go because I want to go." I told him sternly. He nodded and went into the bathroom to wash his face and get dressed.

I rolled out of bed, so much for sleep. I thought and went to grab some clothes from my closet. Finally, I found what I wanted to wear after going through almost my entire wardrobe. I picked out (ADD LINK HERE) and quickly put it on, brushing my hair and walking to the bathroom to brush my teeth. When I walked into the bathroom, I saw Marco brushing his teeth and finishing up.

I got a better look at his (ADD LINK HERE) , and it suited him quite nicely. Though, almost anything he wore suited him nicely that was just how Marco was. Me on the other hand, not so much.

"Ready?" He smiled. I nodded and outstretched my hand to him and he took it gently sliding his fingers between mine. I looked down at our hands as we walked down the streets at three in the morning, I smiled knowingly because I knew that only I was allowed to this. Only I was allowed to hold his hand in mine. Only I was allowed to love him and call him mine. Only he could make me do stupid things like this and make them worth every second.

We passed by dozens and dozens of lights and lighting fixtures. The big Christmas Tree in the middle of the of Trost Square was over 30'ft. Marco's eyes shined whenever he looked up at because of all the twinkle lights. It was truly a beautiful sight to see, no extravagant. His smile was overpowering and looked like a kid in a candy shop because of all the pretty fixtures.'

I slightly smiled a bit remembering the memory that graced my thoughts. My high had ended soon after my last customer of the night and I was finally able to see straight and clear my thoughts.

For once, I wasn't craving more, I was craving my lover back. My Marco, My everything. Only thing was is that I didn't know where he is.

(END OF CHAPTER 2)