"So why'd you call me here baa-chan?"
Tsunade sighed. She was obviously a bit uncomfortable with this situation, but she was a medical professional, and this had to be done. She kept her nerves at ease, and with her fingers steepled in front of her face, calmly answered the confused blonde.
"Look, Naruto, you're coming to the age where you may start getting certain – thoughts, and urges. I figured with my medical expertise, I would probably be the best one to give you this talk, to make sure you are informed and know how to handle these new feelings responsibly."
Naruto quirked an eyebrow. "What talk?"
"The sex talk, Naruto," the Hokage bluntly stated.
Naruto blushed a light rose. "O-oh…"
"Now, before I start, do you have any questions you would like answered or anything you want me to focus on?" Tsunade inquired.
"Hmm…" The blonde placed a finger on his chin as his eyes scrunched in thought. "Could you tell me what a blowjob is?"
'Okay, so I guess he has heard of some things. Teenage boys do talk after all.' "Alright, I suppose I can answer that one after I explain the basics," a still somewhat uncomfortable Tsunade replied, though she was beginning to think this talk might not be as awkward as she feared. "Is there anything else you wanted to know?"
"Well… since you're offering and all…"
'I've got a bad feeling about this…'
"What's a cock ring?" he said in a tone Tsunade found unfittingly innocent for such a question.
"I – I…" The busty Kage's mouth was just opening and shutting at this point, realizing that perhaps this talk was going to be long and awkward.
The jinchuuriki could tell she was not going to respond. "Whatever, I'm not really a jewellery person anyway," Naruto dismissed. "But what's a blumpkin?"
Now Tsunade's mouth was just gaping, only an overwhelmed squeak escaping. 'There's no way this brat is so innocent! He's just playing dumb to mess with me, he's gotta be!'
Naruto's curiosity took the reins during this prolonged silence, and so the teenager began to ramble. "And what does it mean when they say 'open your mouth or it's going in your eye'? Do I have to keep my mouth open the whole time? Cause I don't wanna get anything in my eyes. And is it true the back door is supposed to be tighter? Cause my apartment only has a front door so I wouldn't know… Still don't know what it has to do with sex… And why don't people who go black ever come back? And why do I have to wear a rubber? I like my regular outfit better; there's no way rubber clothes could be that comfortable. And do some people really spit instead of swallowing? I know I don't have very good table manners, but even I know it's rude to spit out your food! And w-"
"Naruto…" Tsunade interrupted, earning his attention. "Where did you hear all these things?" she asked with no small hint of disbelief.
"From pervy sage of course," Naruto said.
'Of course…' Tsunade thought as a vein popped up in her forehead. "Did he ever talk about anything else, Naruto?" the angered Senju asked with a dangerous edge to her voice; though this was lost to the oblivious boy.
"Hmm… Oh yeah! He always said that you were a 'MILF'. What does that mean?"
Now fire burned in the Hokage's pupils. "JIRAIYA! ! !" she screamed in outrage of her teammate for corrupting the boy she considered like a son (and implying she was old).
Outside of a hotspring on the other side of town, Jiraiya suddenly sneezed. He didn't have to guess who was talking about him though; he had heard the scream.
"Well, guess I'm heading out of town again!"