Sometimes, he looks at the snow and he hears a train howling that isn't there. Sometimes he looks down alleyways and hears his voice saying, "Punk," but he didn't open his mouth. Sometimes he looks at his metal arm, cold and gruesome, and almost sees a flesh one, strong and warm. Sometimes he's James Buchanan Barnes. Sometimes he's the Soldier. Sometimes he's both, his head splitting down the middle. Sometimes, when he looks at blue eyes and blonde hair, he hears his own voice yelling, "You're my mission!" and he doesn't know if he wants to throw up or finish the job.
He remembers more than Steve thinks he does about being the Winter Soldier. The more he remembers about Bucky, the more he remembers about the asset. He'll never tell Steve. He knows Steve would stop telling him stories, stop trying to get him to feel if he knew that the Soldier comes back as easily as James Buchanan Barnes does. He's amazed at how different the two lives were, one full of life and laughter, the other full of fear and pain. He doesn't regret it though, being the Winter Soldier. He thinks he should.
The more he knows about himself, the more he remembers, the more he thinks he shouldn't be around Steve. The Winter Soldier sees Steve as his mission, and he can't make the Soldier go away without losing Bucky. "The end of the line" is what Steve said. The end of the line with just Bucky? The end of line with the mess of torture and lies he was now? The Steve Bucky knew wouldn't care, but the Steve the Winter Soldier met was grittier and stronger.
It feels like he's suffocating sometimes. "It's wrong", he thinks, not having orders, not having a mission, having to live and socialize and eat and drink and feel. It, was what he was, not a he. It was not a person. It did not feel. It did not care. It has to feel now, has to understand others. It has to see the face at the end of the gun. It has to remember all it's done. It has to become a he again. It has to live a life again.
Steve looks at him like he's not a monster trying to be human. Steve looks at him like a brother, someone who he knows cares about him. Steve defends him to the others, Steve stares them down and says, "He's my friend,". Steve believes that he is Bucky. Steve doesn't see that he is the Soldier and Bucky, each one fighting constantly with the other. Steve tells him to see someone, to talk to someone about what he is, who he is. Steve doesn't believe the someone when they say that Bucky isn't Bucky, but just two personalities fighting each other. Steve doesn't want to see the asset. Steve wants his friend.
Bucky wants to be normal. Bucky wants the metal arm gone. Bucky wants lazy Sundays and dancing with girls. Bucky wants to forget Hydra, forget the Soldier. Bucky wants to drown himself in a lie. Bucky doesn't want to admit that he was taken out and something else was stuffed in. Bucky wants to eat and drink and sleep. Bucky wants to not be over ninety. Bucky wants to forget and just live the life he missed out on when he was frozen and numb and a killer.
The Winter Soldier wants to escape. The Soldier wants to finish his mission and go back to the comfort of order that Hydra offered. The Soldier keeps his guns and knives in perfect condition, keeps his body in constant readiness. The Soldier never lifts a bottle to his lips. The asset looks at people like targets and knows all the ways he could kill them in ten seconds. The Soldier wants to leave Steve and everyone else and never look back.
Both want to move on. Both don't want the other's memories clouding theirs. Both want to eradicate the other. Both want to protect the body they are privy to with all their skills. Both know the feel of cool metal in their hands, the kickback of a gun as it does its job. Both know the pleasure of a shot meeting its mark with a swift elegance. Both want to forget.
Sometimes, he's the Soldier and Bucky, both personas blending together, but always fighting. Sometimes, he doesn't know if his body is more Bucky's or more the Soldier's. Sometimes, he remembers something and doesn't know if he's the asset or James Buchanan Barnes in the memory. Sometimes, he doesn't know who he is. Sometimes, he doesn't know if he should fight like Bucky or the Winter Soldier or both. Sometimes, he thinks only of his mission and orders and pain and Hydra, but mostly, he tries to remember how to live.