INTERIOR SHOT - COMEDY CLUB
Jerry does his stand-up act.
Jerry; The whole concept of an exclusive club is something I just don't get. Exclusive members-only clubs? I almost joined the Friar's Club once, but I had second thoughts. New York City has a whole bunch of 'em- Tuscaloosa, Alabama...eh...not as many! And you can't get into one of them without paying a lot of money to join. So let me get this straight; I give you, the club owner, a ridiculous amount of money to hang out in a bunch of rooms that are off-limits to others on the street and all the alcohol I can drink away from the prying eyes of the general public? I just described my apartment! Why would I pay you money to sit in a bunch of rooms with smelly old guys that reek of Grecian Formula and flatulence, when I have a bunch of rooms at home that I can move about freely that aren't as stinky? I have my own rooms in my apartment to sit around and sulk in! I don't need your phony-baloney pretentious, posh rooms! And I'd also have to get all dressed up and travel all the way to your snobby club, when I could instead waltz around my own place in my underwear and be much more comfortable! There are similarities between my home and the posh club, however, with one major difference. The difference being that my neighbor is just as judgmental, but he smells like fourteen cats and not Grecian Formula!
EXTERIOR SHOT - YANKEE STADIUM
It's a nice sunny day.
INTERIOR SHOT - GEORGE'S OFFICE, YANKEE STADIUM
However, it's miserable inside. He looks exasperated and over-worked, his suit jacket is off, his tie has been loosened and his shirt sleeves are rolled up, as he stares down at the mess of papers on his desk, the work seemingly insurmountable. Struggling to find the energy to look at one more piece of work, he comes across an envelope in his 'IN' box', but it's not addressed to him.
George; 'Carter French'? Why do I keep getting the wrong mail? (Stops to think if he recognizes the name) Carter... (his eyes widen with anger)...FRENNNNCH!
The screen goes wavy and we see in flashback George's encounters with Carter French.
INTERIOR SHOT - YANKEE STADIUM - A RANDOM HALLWAY
George is approaching a good looking man that bears a striking resemblance to Stephen Colbert, and gives him a polite 'hello' nod.
Carter (pointing behind George); WHOA! What the hell is that?!
George (looking over his shoulder); What-?
Carter; AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA! Made you look! Loooooser! Duuuuh!
George grinds his teeth in annoyance and embarrassment as nearby co-workers chuckle at his embarrassment, and high-five Carter.
INTERIOR SHOT - A BOARD ROOM AT YANKEE STADIUM
Another flashback scene, with George seated at the boardroom table with , and a couple other management types. Carter enters and stops in mid-stride. Everyone stops talking as they notice that Carter is peering in various directions under the boardroom table, causing some of those present to also look down, including George.
Carter; Oh, oh! What's that?!
George; What's what?
Carter (pointing to several directions on the floor); That thing right under there!
George (looking at several places beneath the boardroom table); Under where?!
Carter AHAHAHAHAHAAAAA! I just made you say 'underwear'! AHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!
George shrinks in his chair as everyone laughs at him.
INTERIOR SHOT - WILHELM'S OFFICE
In a third flashback we see a worried Carter French sitting across from an obviously-saddened Mister Wilhelm.
Wilhelm; I'm sorry, Carter, but due to budgetary constraints, I'm afraid we'll have to let you go.
George jumps out from Wilhelm's open door a huge smile on his face, and pointing at Carter, and starts to do a little celebratory dance.
George; AAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA! HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, FRENCH?! HUH?! HUH?! AAAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!
Wilhelm; And as such, all of your projects and workload will be shifted over to George here.
A shocked George isn't so happy now, as his expression and slumped shoulders show, his happy dance ended in mid-stride.
Carter French (bursting out into raucous laughter and pointing at George); AAAAHAHAHAHAAAAAA! LOSERRRRR! Enjoy my stupid job, fat-boy! And I-am-outta-here!
Carter jumps out of the chair, clumsily shakes Wilhelm's hand, jumps towards the doorway, and gives George a hard punch in the shoulder.
Carter French; Eat my shorts, Costanzaaaaa! AAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
George fumes and his face turns red, as Wilhelm simply shrugs his shoulders and gets back to work.
INTERIOR SHOT - GEORGE'S OFFICE
We return to the present, and an expression of anger and frustration on George's face. He looks at the envelope for a couple seconds is about to rip it apart, when curiosity gets the better of him. Instead, George opens it with an Incredible Hulk letter opener and examines the contents. A letter, a gold credit card, and a single old fashioned gold key is inside. Intrigued, George reads the letter, his eyes widening as he reads more and more.
George; Great Scott!
EXTERIOR SHOT - JERRY'S NEIGHBORHOOD
We find Jerry and George walking down the street, sometime later that same day, although the sun has begun to set judging by the light.
Jerry (looking down); You stepped in some gum.
George; I don't care.
Jerry (looks down at the ground and around his feet); Well, I do! I think it was mine! And it still had some flavor!
George (sarcastically); Life is so tough, huh? Anyways-
Jerry; But, it was Juicy Fruit! My last stick, too! Hey, tell me something;; if it's called 'Juicy Fruit', just what kind of fruit is it supposed to be? 'Cause I'm tasting a bit of orange, a bit of pineapple-
George; Anywaaays, I-
Jerry; But, it better not be kumquat! I've never had a kumquat, but I think it's just the weirdest name for a fruit that I couldn't possibly want to eat! In fact it sounds more like a vegetable, and vegetable-flavored gum is just so-
George (impatiently); OOOOOKAAAAY! Are you finished?!
Jerry (stops in mid-stride to consider it, looks up at the sky, then nods, a satisfied expression on his features); Yes! I do believe I am.
Jerry and George continue walking down the street
George; GOOD! So, anyways, listen to this! I get a piece of mail addressed to someone else by mistake-
Jerry; Publisher's Clearing House? Was it addressed to Jorge Cantstandya?
George; No, even better! It's an invitation to an exclusive club down the street from The Century Association club, on 43rd Street between Fifth and Sixth Avenue! That's the one that's had members like Franklin D. Roosevelt, Henry Kissinger, and even Jackie Onassis!
Jerry; And who's a member in this Andromeda Club? Mister Spock? Boba Fett? Ooooh, I know! The Robot from 'Lost In Space'! That'll be cool meeting him!
George; Who cares who's a member?! I'll be on the inside brushing shoulders with the elite and the probably-rich and famous!
Jerry; How? You can't get in there, George! You're not part of the rich and famous crowd. Now, the financially-stressed and infamous crowd on the other hand...
George; I don't need to be! I opened the letter and it turns out that a former employee and my own personal nemesis, one Carter French, had been accepted into The Andromeda Club! He's all paid up to join for a year, and that's what's gonna be so great! I'm gonna experience The Andromeda Club at that jerk's expense!
Jerry; Carter French? Oh, yea! The guy that put you on all those mailing lists for herpes testing!
George (cringing from the memory); One and the same. I always swore I'd get him back, but he was canned by Wilhelm before I could take action. Now this kind of revenge is gonna be so much more sweeter! He just has to bring his gold key and personalized letter to the club and WHAM! He's in! Or rather, since I have them, WHAM! I'M IN, BABY!
Jerry; How're you going to get in if they know what French looks like? They'll stop you at the door!
George (shrugs); Ah! So what? It's no big deal if I can't get in, but if I can, it's gonna be awesome!
Jerry; Fine. Go to your fancy-shmancy exclusive, snobby club! I'll sit by the phone, so I can bail you out when you're arrested for identity theft!
George laughs it off, but then becomes a little concerned, but shrugs it off.
EXTERIOR SHOT - THE NEW YORK SKYLINE
It's dark now, the middle of the night.
INTERIOR SHOT - KRAMER'S APARTMENT
We find Kramer and Newman, after an evening of pizza, beer, and snacks, slumped back on his couch at opposite ends, fast asleep and in the case of Newman, snoring loudly. Chip dip stains and chip crumbs are scattered all over Newman's checkered shirt, while Kramer's face is squished on one side by the pillow he's sleeping against, a faint smile on his face.
Kramer (sleepily); ...need a holiday...celebrate...holiday...weeee...
The two of them have fallen asleep as Kramer's VHS tape player is running an old tape of music videos from MTV. On the television, we see and hear a music video by Madonna from 1983, and subconsciously Kramer hears it in his sleep, repeating a few lyrics. The video fades out and another comes on, this one from 1984, Rockwell's 'Somebody's Watching Me'. Kramer's features become blank, but he continues to mumble certain parts of the lyrics to himself.
Kramer; ... feel like...somebody's watching me...no privacy...
Kramer shifts positions in his sleep as the video continues to play on the TV and a sleeping Newman giggles and releases a fart.
EXTERIOR SHOT - JERRY'S APARTMENT BUILDING
The next morning.
INTERIOR SHOT - KRAMER'S BEDROOM
We find Kramer asleep in his bed for a few seconds, until he snorts and fidgets in his sleep, then wakes up wide-eyed and delirious, looking about his bedroom. Something is on his mind, as he suddenly begins to look under his covers, turning around and looking head-first under them, moving about in a wild fashion, until he's trapped beneath his own covers.
Kramer yelps and cries out to himself as he struggles to get free of his cloth prison. He yanks up his blankets and knocks over his Mickey Mouse lamp, Gasping for breath, he pauses, then quickly looks under his bed on both sides, before falling over the edge onto the floor. He struggles to stand as he clutches a newly-bruised knee, and checks his closet, but can't find what he's looking for. He catches his breath and nods to himself.
Kramer; 'kay. They're not here. Not yet. Who's playing tricks on me?
Kramer reaches for his housecoat and struggles to put it on, eventually realizing he's trying to put it on upside down, his arms flailing wildly, which accidently knock over his Day Planner book behind his dresser, unnoticed by him.
INTERIOR SHOT - HALLWAY
Kramer's door locks are unchained from the inside, and we see him wearing his housecoat, looking as disheveled as he usually looks first thing in the morning, carrying a bag of trash to put down the garbage room chute. However, he stops suddenly, looking quite nervous. At the end of the hall is an unfamiliar man in dark sunglasses staring straight ahead, expressionless, his hands clasped before him, as if he's been waiting for Kramer to leave his apartment.
The subliminal messages of 'Somebody's Watching Me' from the video last night sinks in, and Kramer quickly rushes back into his apartment, quickly locking his door again. We see him peering out his peephole, but no matter how much he twists and turns he can't see the mysterious man from any angle. Kramer backs away from the door, freaked out.
We see the man patiently awaiting by the elevator again, as he is joined by a woman holding a blind man's white cane.
Woman (placing the cane in the man's hand); I found it, Jack! I found your cane under the couch! You gotta stop losing it just before we go for our walks!
Jack; Thanks. I'll try.
The woman leads the blind man, Jack, into the elevator.
EXTERIOR SHOT - MONK'S RESTAURANT
Kramer is making his way towards the restaurant when a police car quickly arrives on the scene startling him. He looks about, but sees no crime or trouble, so he immediately believes it's him that's in trouble. A second police car arrives on the scene, slamming on its brakes as it parks close behind the first car. A third police car, sirens blaring and lights flashing, arrives, and double parks, both officers quickly exiting the vehicle. Kramer panics and runs away from the restaurant, expecting to be chased by the authorities, but he's completely ignored by the police.
First Cop; Hey, Ramboli! Cut the sirens! You can't do that!
Second Cop (indignant); Why can't I?! This is my retirement lunch and I'm in the mood to break some rules! I might even dine and dash!
First Cop (indicating the double-parked patrol car); And you can't park your squad car like that!
Third Cop; Why not? Somebody gonna give Ramboli a parking ticket?! HAHAHA!
Second Cop; Ha-ha-ha! Just gonna ignore it if I get one, like all the others! Hey, this Monk's dump better have good food! I'm starving!
The First Cop stops at the entrance and chuckles at a graffiti cartoon painted on the side of Monk's
First Cop; Hey, check it out! It's Mister Figgletop!
Second Cop (pushing the First Cop inside Monk's); What part of 'starving' aren't you comprehending, Sisko?! Get in there!
The police officers enter Monk's Café, unaware that they've just terrified Kramer, who is seen running down the street and around the corner, almost running face-first into several nuns..
EXTERIOR SHOT - A BUSY NEW YORK CITY STREET
The traffic is bumper to bumper, as per usual for the evening in New York.
INTERIOR SHOT - JERRY'S CAR
We find Jerry driving Elaine home after having dinner together.
Elaine; Hey, do you think the waiter got annoyed with me after I sent my linguine back?
Jerry; Naw. We gave him a decent tip. The Chef on the other hand...whew!
Elaine; What?
Jerry; I saw him from our table. I don't think he appreciated you sending your food back three times! I think he was going to confront you with a meat cleaver! Fortunately some guy stepped on his foot by accident, and he limped back into the kitchen, all cursing and muttering!
Elaine; Get-OUT!
Jerry; I think it might have been Samuel L. Jackson!
Elaine; Do you think three times was too much?
Jerry (sarcastically, rolling his eyes); Oh, pa-shaw! I bet he's used to the sense of deja vu of returned food! I'm sure he doesn't mind a customer critiquing and returning the food he's slaved over in a hot kitchen to reproduce from his years at culinary school! Maybe he'll add a dash of salt or a pinch of cilantro that he forgot to add the first three times his creation was sent out! Now, if you'd sent it back five times...! (Jerry shrugs, unsure)
Elaine; The shrimps were too small, Jerry! I like shrimp! I want value for my money!
Jerry; So, did they get bigger?
Elaine (pouting); Nope. I think he substituted the fat from somebody's steak for my shrimp the first time! And the next time he replaced my linguine with Spaghetti-Ohs!
Jerry; Whatever the case, I wouldn't have the guts to do that even once! Once that plate of food is in front of me I'm not sending it back! That plate food is a sacred contract between the chef and the customer! I'm eating everything on it, even if my steak is still mooing You're pretty brave!
Elaine; Me? Brave? I was just starving! But, what about you? You stand up in front of an audience of strangers, dozens and dozens of people at the same time, ogling and staring back at you and you're okay with that. How can asking one person like a chef for a favor be so hard compared to public speaking?
Jerry; That one guy holds your life in your hands, Elaine! Remember the pasta primavera incident?
Elaine (nodding and shivering); I guess. So you're saying I'd be brave enough to do what you do?
Jerry (chuckling and shaking his head): Youuuu? C'mon. Elaine. C'mon!
Elaine stares at him, getting more and more annoyed by his smiling, condescending expression.
Elaine; What?!
Jerry; Elaine...come on!
Elaine (irritably): Stop saying that! What? Couldn't I?
Jerry (still sounding condescending); Elaine, let me explain something about the world of showbiz to you-
Elaine (covering her eyes with her hand in aggravation); Oy.
Jerry; Although there have been times when you've surprised us guys with a witty comment or two at my place or once in a blue moon at the café, I think I need to inform you that it takes a certain kind of person with a certain kind of indescribable flair, a kind of je ne sais quoi, if you will, and most of all, something interesting to talk about, to face a crowd of people and entertain them for any length of time. They need bang for their buck or the semantic affinity won't occur. The ying and yang between performer and audience member, of paying for a night out that's more entertaining than sitting at home watching TV. There has to be a distinct unification between the comedian and the audience for a stand-up act to be successful.
Elaine; You mean when you're all liquored up?
Jerry; Very funny, m'lady! Very droll. But I stand by my theory. And because of that, I don't think you could even get five laughs.
Elaine; Hey! I'm funny! Remember my 'New Yorker' cartoons?
Jerry; You ripped off cartoons from 'Ziggy'! And wasn't that a raging success? (rolls his eyes).
Elaine; Well, then I dare you, Jerome, that I can do stand-up, as well! Book me a gig on Amateur Night or whatever, and I'll prove you wrong!
Jerry (considering it); Really? You think you can stand up before a real audience and get at least five laughs?
Elaine; I'll get ten or more laughs, funny man!
Jerry; Hm. All right. I'll do it.
Elaine; Great!
Jerry; I've always been fascinated by those stories of the ancient Romans thrown into the Coliseum with the lions!
Elaine; I can't wait to prove you wrong, buster! So what happened to George? He was all psyched up to check out this restaurant with us?
Jerry; He had to cancel so he could illegally use someone else's identification to get into someplace he doesn't belong.
EXTERIOR SHOT - THE ANDROMEDA CLUB, AN OLD MANSION SOMEWHERE IN DOWNTOWN NEW YORK CITY
George checks the address on the gold card and matches it with the one etched in the gold plaque outside the front entrance. It's a simple black door with a weird hexagonal window, and an old brass handle. He gathers his courage and tries to enter the door but it's locked. He shakes the handle and rattles the door, but can't gain entry.
He steps away and is about to give up when a camera slowly lowers from the edge of the door frame and looks down at him like a disapproving traffic cop. George fights back his rising nervousness, and clears his throat.
George; Hello? (waits for an answer, but gets none) Oh! Right! Sorry! (fumbles in his coat pocket and produces the gold card then the gold key) Hi, in there! Hello! I'm...Carter French! Heh-heh! I've been, so-to-speak, invited here! See! Got my invitation and stuff!
The camera pans down to look at the card and the key, then rises back into its slot above the door. Several seconds pass as George looks about, unsure what to do next, then the door rattles and jangles with the sound of several locks being undone. The door opens to reveal a well-dressed butler-type his seventies.
George; Hi! I'm-
The Butler hushes him with a finger on his moustached upper lip, then waves him in. George does so.
INTERIOR SHOT - THE FOYER OF THE ANDROMEDA CLUB
George is brought in as far as a hallway inside the mansion, which is as ornately decorated as Buckingham Palace and just about as old-looking, if the decades out-of-date furniture and furnishings is any indication. Without a word, the Butler waves him further inside, so George follows, both intimidated but excited about being somewhere he could never get as simple 'George Costanza'.
INTERIOR SHOT - THE DRAWING ROOM OF THE ANDROMEDA CLUB
We see several older gentlemen, all of them some thirty years or more older than George scattered through a beautifully-decorated drawing room. Furnishings and furniture is as old as that out in the hallway, full of character and history.
Butler (clearing his throat first); The honorable Mister French Carter!
George is about to correct him that his name is 'Carter French', not 'French Carter', but the Butler turns on his heel and ignores George's offer to take his coat, who lets George drop it on the floor. George hastily picks up the coat and brushes it off, then returns to looking casual, as if he fits right in with the others present. Some old men sitting nearby watch him, as he meekly enters the huge drawing room. George offers his friendliest smile to everyone, nods at some, and chuckles softly.
George; Hello. How ya doing? Evening! Heh-heh-heh! Quite the night we're having? Eh, m'good man?
An old man that looks like an old ship captain with a pipe and thick beard ignores him and goes back to reading his newspaper. The ticking of a grandfather clock is the only sound in the painfully-silent room, as none of the men present are speaking to one another.
George (voice-over in his head); What the hells going on in here? Do they know I'm not Carter French? Are they prejudiced against me because I'm a lot younger than them? I'm just as bald as that old fogey over there in the corner! What could a shmuck like French see in a place like this?! It's like a convention of grumpy old high school principals!
The Butler appears from out of nowhere and proffers a tray with a drink on it for George. He nods a 'thank you' and takes it, the Butler leaving even before he can even ask what it is. George smells it, his nose crinkling at the scent of alcohol, and takes a big sip.
And immediately begins to have a coughing fit as he swallows it too fast.
The others give him dirty looks at the noise he's making, as George tries to stifle his coughing, and pretend to look at the stacks of books across one huge wall of books. He sees one that interests him, and begins to reach for it.
The bearded 'retired ship captain' loudly clears his throat, gaining George's attention. The old man slowly shakes his head, and the threat is enough to make George push the book back in its place in the wall. He edges forward, looking about, and nearly trips on his overcoat (which is actually his father's coat), and quickly recovers from almost stumbling, his every move watched by some of the old men.
George (sighing in a voice-over); Part-teeeeee.
EXTERIOR SHOT - JERRY'S APARTMENT BUILDING
An evening shot showing outside of Jerry's window.
INTERIOR SHOT - JERRY'S APARTMENT
Jerry and Kramer are watching TV, with Jerry flipping through the channels with the remote, as Kramer suddenly spins around and looks at the door, then calms down. He jumps up and carefully peers out the window from the edge. He hears a car horn down below, and ducks down like a soldier being shot at, flops down to the floor, and then slowly peers over the rim of the window sill.
Jerry (taking it all in stride and sounding calm); The Naked Lady in the building across from us is long gone, you know? Unfortunately, she's been replaced by Naked Octogenarian! (Jerry shivers at the thought) I'll never be able to look at a wrinkly paper bag again the same way!
Kramer; I know, I know! (Considers this information) Maybe They got her!
Jerry (distracted, as he tries to split his attention to his show and Kramer's comment); Who? The aliens from 'The X-Files'??
Kramer; No-no. The government!
Jerry; Well, as Mulder always says, the truth is out there!
Kramer; All I know is that I still can't find my Day Planner book! I'm lost without it! I've missed five appointments already!
Jerry; Appointments? With who?
Kramer; If I knew that, I wouldn't need my Day Planner, would I?! I think the government snuck into my apartment last night and nabbed it!
They're watching us all the time, ya know!
Jerry; True. They're still bugging me for that five bucks off my income tax back in '92!
Kramer; Laugh all you want, but I'm not gonna stand for it! If the government is gonna follow me around and snoop into my private, confidential, personal privacy then they'll get a distorted impression of my lifestyle!
Jerry; Meaning you'll buy your own food, get a 9-to-5 job, and wear clothes that aren't 20 years out of date?
Kramer; Y'know, I'm starting to understand why that heckler threw his cabbage rolls at you! You're mean! No, I talking about never leaving this building without a disguise!
Jerry (dubiously, trying to imagine it); Ooookay.
Kramer; Cool! Loan me some of your clothes!
Jerry; No way in hell, Kramer! Not gonna happen, my friend!
Kramer; Aw, c'mon! I'm being followed by The Man, man!
Jerry; No! Are you going to watch 'The X-Files' with me or not?
Kramer (flabbergasted, he shakes his head like he just sneezed); What's going on here?! I used to be able to talk you into doing stuff for me all the time!
Jerry; Yeah, well, I've stopped drinking that particular brand of Kool-Aid, thank you very much!
Kramer (sighing, and looking around Jerry's apartment); Hmph! Fine. Whatever. I need something that has good coverage against prying government eyes. There's a zillion closed-circuit TV's out there watching and recording our every move, you know! Ya think Elaine will loan me her Urban Sombrero?
Jerry; Maybe. But if you want to borrow her dresses and high heels I think you and I will need to have a little talk about the birds and the bees... Again!
INTERIOR SHOT - THE DRAWING ROOM OF THE ANDROMEDA CLUB
We find George completely bored and still ignored by every club member. He checks his watch, exhales an exaggerated sigh, garnering a disapproving look from an old club member. George makes a sour face at the old man when he looks away, and gets up out of his chair.
George (voice-over in his head); That's it! It's official; this place blows! I'm getting out of here while I-
Suddenly there is a huge crash of shattering glass, followed by a second one on the other side of the room. Two men, dressed in black like ninjas, and swinging in on ropes, appear in the center of the Andromeda Club, and take up challenging stances like they want to fight. George is frozen in place by shock and confusion.
It's increased dramatically when he watches all of the old men in the drawing room suddenly jump up and take on the ninjas in a no-holds-barred fight, that sees the room trashed, but incredibly, the old men victorious over the ninjas!
The disapproving old man turns to George and is suddenly cheerful and friendly.
Old Man; Don't worry, old chap! This lot is sorted out! Bentley and Reinhold and I have seen to that!
George (totally confused): Wh...wh...what the hell just happened?!
Old Man (looking about); I should think that was obvious, my boy! These poor sods are ninjas!
George; Yea, I can see that, but you guys-?!
Old Man; Were more than a match, eh?
George; I was gonna say 'old fogies', but...YEAH! Who are you?!
Old Man (offering his hand to George to shake): Wallace B. Hartnell, a.k.a. Blue Iron, a.k.a. Double-Oh-Nineteen of Her Majesty's Secret Service and MI5, at your service!
George can't believe he's shaking hands with an actual British spymaster, or that the other old men in the room are secret agents, too.
INTERIOR SHOT - NEWMAN'S APARTMENT
Kramer and Newman are on the couch; Newman is trying to watch TV, but Kramer just wants to talk about his fears.
Kramer; I think the truth is right in front of us! I think Snoop Dogg is one of Them! Don't you get it, Newman?! 'Snoop'? Why not 'Snoop'y? That's Charlie Brown's dog's real name! Not 'Snoop'! He's admitting that he snoops around, working for The Man, can't you see that?! He's probably got all the inside track news and gossip in the rap and hip-hop world!
Newman; Yeayea. So are we gonna watch something or are you going to talk all the way through my shows?
Kramer (ignoring Newman's complaint) And how about those cameras in the building's elevator?! Who placed them there?! What's that about?!
Newman; So what? A little security and peace of mind is worth a little Kramer paranoia!
Kramer; But They're watching us, man! Somebody's watching me! Meeee! I'm just an average man with an average life! All I want is to be left alone, in my average home, but why do I always feel like I'm in the Twilight Zone? What did I ever do to deserve that?!
Newman is unaware that Kramer has started to recite the lyrics of 'Somebody's Watching Me', while Kramer believes the lyrics are describing his life.
Newman; Oh, gee, where do I start?!
Kramer subconsciously repeats more lyrics.
Kramer; I wonder if the people on TV see me, or am I just being paranoid? When I'm in the shower, I'm afraid to wash my hair, 'cause I might open my eyes and find someone standing there!
Newman (shifting uncomfortably on the couch); Stop it, Kramer, you're freaking me out big time! Anyways, closed-circuit TVs are a fact of life nowadays. We got 'em down at the Post Office, and I hate being watched at work, but them's the brakes, ya know? Bosses always feel like they have to watch us. And I got nothing to hide! Despite what that Portuguese guy in apartment 7A tells you!
Kramer; Uh-uh! Not me! No boss is gonna watch me, and certainly not The Man! Who's watching me, I don't know anymore! Are the neighbors watching me? Is the mailman watching me?
Newman (about to comment, until he realizes what Kramer just said); Wha-? What the hell are ya talking about, Kramer?! I'm the mailman! Remember? And I'm not spying on you!
Kramer's about to argue, but the facts and the subconsciously-heard song lyrics catch up with him, and he becomes even more confused.
INTERIOR SHOT - THE DRAWING ROOM OF THE ANDROMEDA CLUB -
We find George, and former secret agents Wallace , and Bentley, engaged in conversation, as the Club staff cleans up the broken glass and covers up the broken window. George is completely enthralled with their stories.
Hartnell; ...until I rescued the Baron from the Wikkie-Wookie Tribe of Madagascar in Africa! And let me tell you, that was a whopping-jay encounter! Got a medal of commendation from the Queen for that, I did!
George; Wow! What an amazing life you guys have had! Actual, real secret agents!
Bentley; I say, Billy, tell him how you and I saved Princess Deanna and Prince Charlton that time in Portugal! Remember? We had just-
George; Uhhh, don't you mean...Diana and Charles?
Bentley; Eh? Oh! Yes! Spot of whiskey on the brain, eh wot?
Hartnell (looking uncomfortable, and now treating Bentley the way he was dismissive of George, earlier); Mmm. M'yes. Have another whiskey, Bentley! (Leaning in towards George) Bit of a liability on those overseas missions, m'fraid! Always scooping out his bacon from trouble, eh?
George just nods, thinking he sort of understands what the old secret agent is trying to say.
EXTERIOR SHOT - JERRY'S APARTMENT BUILDING
It's dark out, perhaps shortly before dawn.
INTERIOR SHOT - JERRY'S BEDROOM
Jerry is sleeping soundly, despite certain noises entering his room from outside. As the hammering and drill-whirring gets louder, we see Jerry twitch and begin to wake up. His eyes open and the noises stop. He rolls over, thinking he was imagining it when he hears more hammering and a loud 'thunk!' and a yelp of pain. He shoves his covers aside and gets out of bed.
INTERIOR SHOT - JERRY'S APARTMENT
From behind his front door we hear more hammering and mumbling, so Jerry turns on his lights, unlocks his door, and opens it wide to reveal Kramer in the hallway, an empty toolkit on the floor, the floor littered with tools of every kind.
Kramer; Oh, hey, buddy! Top of the morning to ya, pal!
Jerry (confused and squinting in the light as his eyes get used to it); Kramer...what...the...helllll...?!
Kramer; Don't mind me. I'm almost finished. Go back to sleep if you want, buddy!
Jerry; I want to, but you're making such a racket out here that I won't be able to...(Jerry pauses as he checks out Kramer's project)...Oh, for the love of...! Kramerrrr!
INTERIOR SHOT - THE HALLWAY
We see that Kramer has erected a doorway in the hallway just three feet away from his door and Kramer's, sealing them within a bathroom stall-sized area.
Jerry; What the hell is this?! What're you doing?! You can't build something like this in the hallway!
Kramer; Can't I? I'm an American citizen with the rights of the Constitution behind me where my privacy is concerned! And if I so choose to block the view of anyone that wants to see me walk from my place to yours, it's nobody's business but mine! And yours, of course.
Jerry (looking between him and the new door blocking his access to the hallway); I repeat...you-cannot-do-this! This hallway is a public place!
Kramer ignores him and swings the squeaky door open and closed, then inserts a white card into a small lock reader and it bleeps, followed by a ka-chunk of locks engaging. He smiles at his friend, and hands him the white card.
Kramer; But I have done this, Jer! You'll get used to it in time! So, here's your pass-card key! Whenever you want to come and go, just insert it into the little reader there. Oh, and don't lose it, 'cause I only bought one for you and one for me, and if I have to replace it it'll cost you twenty five bucks! Enjoy!
Kramer enters his apartment, considers picking up all the tools on the floor, but shakes his head.
Kramer; Whew. I'm bushed. I'll pick those up later. Night!
Jerry looks about in helplessness as Kramer returns to his apartment and locks the door behind him. Jerry slowly enters his apartment in a daze.
EXTERIOR SHOT - THE J. PETERMAN BUILDING
A morning shot, as rain falls against the tall building.
INTERIOR SHOT - ELAINE'S OFFICE
Elaine is in her office and exasperated, if her slumped-over posture and tension on her face is any indication. Crumpled pieces of paper are everywhere on her desk, and she begins to write something down quickly, stops to think about it, and growls at herself, scratching it out.
Elaine; Damn! That was an old 'Munsters' joke! This can't be happening! I'm a funny person! I can write a bunch of jokes for my own stand-up routine...can't I?! Come on, Benes, think! THIIIINK, BENES,THIIIIIINK!
is passing by, and backs up with a big smile on his face.
; Attagirl, Elaine! I admire your creative determination! Carry on, sunshine!
Elaine (meekly); Uh...thank you, sir.
Peterman leaves and Elaine looks at the stack of actual work filling her 'IN' basket, left untouched in favor of trying to do her routine. She begins to reach for a file, but stops herself, and begins to hastily write down something, giggling as she does so.
Elaine; Yes! Heeheehee! Yes, of course! The farmer's daughter walks into the room and the punch line will be 'Don't have a cow, man!' AAUUGGH! That's a stupid 'Simpsons' joke! Crap!
Elaine throws her pen on her desk, and she slouches in her chair, frustrated and exhausted. She glances at her door and notices a co-worker walking by.
Elaine; OH! OOOH! Janet! Janet, can I see you for a minute?!
Janet (returning to Elaine's door); Yes, Elaine?
Elaine; Hi! I'm writing something here, uh, work related, absolutely work-related, really, really, and I just had to ask you about that really funny story you were telling everyone in the break room last week?
Janet; What...'funny' story'?
Elaine; You know? The one about those gerbils you used to own that liked to chew on your doll or something? And how that crazy old fat lady was roller blading downtown? The one that made you laugh hysterically while you were telling it?
Janet (horrified); Elaine! That wasn't a funny story! At least, not to me or anyone in that room!
Elaine; What? But I thought-?
Janet; And I wasn't laughing, I was crying! I was telling everyone that cared about me, about my mother' breaking her leg playing in her seniors roller derby league, and then falling down some stairs at the Smithsonian Institute, and then being chased by rabid gerbils at the pet store, and how she's going to need months of therapy to walk again! She almost lost her job at the Subaru dealership because of how much time she had to take off! That's what I was talking about to everyone!
Elaine; Oh my God! I'm so sorry, Janet!
Janet; Yeah, right! You're a horrible, horrible person, Elaine! Sam the non-moving arms lady was right! You're a terrible woman!
Janet runs away in tears and Elaine shrinks back into her chair.
Elaine; I bet this never happened to Ellen!
EXTERIOR SHOT - MONK'S RESTAURANT
Kramer gradually enters the frame, dressed in a floppy hat, long winter coat, dark sunglasses and colorful long scarf, despite the warm summer day. He looks in every direction, suspicious of everyone and everything, inadvertently drawing attention to himself. A woman with a stroller approaches and he turns away from her, looking at her over his shoulder, and pretending to be interested in a smudge on the window. It freaks out the new mother enough that she suddenly runs away from him, popping a wheeley with her stroller. A man is walking his little dog, which begins to run towards Kramer and barks at him, panicking Kramer and forcing him to quickly enter the restaurant.
INTERIOR SHOT - MONK'S RESTAURANT
George watches with confusion as Kramer leaps into the restaurant.
Kramer (looking back outside); Must have been one of those spy dogs!
He regains his composure and looks about the restaurant, then strolls in casually, sitting down across from George in their usual booth.
George; Hello...Doctor Who.
Kramer; Eh? What?
George; Not 'What', 'Who'. Little early for Halloween, don't you think?
Kramer (leaning forward); I'm incognito! I'm trying to avoid The Man.
George; What man?
Kramer; The Man! The Big Cheese! The Big Kahuna! Mack Daddy! The all-seeing eyeball of Big Brother!
George; Five guys?! I thought you were talking about just one guy?
Kramer; He's all the same guy, George! I always feel like somebody's watching me, and I have no privacy, whoa-oa-oa.
George (staring at Kramer, even more confused); Did you just go...'whoa-ooaaa'?
Kramer; Never mind. I feel so lost without my Day Planner! They hijacked it when I wasn't looking! I barely remembered this luncheon meeting! So, where's Jerry?
George (checking his watch); Yeah, he shoulda been here by now. Guess he's running late.
Kramer (suddenly sitting up straight in his seat); Maybe they got him! George! Let's change seats! I need to keep an eye on the front door!
George; Who got who? And why should I move? I like this spot!
Kramer; Georrrrge!
George; Awrightawrightawright! (under his breath) Crazy scarf man!
George and Kramer shift positions and a waitress arrives to take Kramer's order, but his sudden jerky movements and fear of her surprise her, prompting her to back off and return to the kitchen. Kramer looks about the restaurant.
Kramer (getting up); Naw. It's better if we switch back.
George; You just said you have to watch the door!
Kramer; Yeah, but now I can see some guy eating spaghetti with sauce all over his face! It's disgusting! C'mon. Switch back.
George curses beneath his breath, yanking his jacket with him, and tries not to notice if anyone in the café is watching them. Kramer calmly returns to his original seat, and sighs with contentment.
Kramer; There. That's better, right? Nothing wrong with this. Oh.
George; What...nowww?!
Kramer (making a face); I can still see the guy eating spaghetti out of my peripheral vision! That guy's eating like a pig! His table manners are atrocious! I can't watch that! Switch seats again, 'okay? I'll focus on the front door better this time!
George (clutching the edge of the table); No!
Kramer (getting up and trying to pull George out); George! Get up! Get up, George! I need to keep an eye on the front door before The Man sees me! And I don't feel safe anymore, oh what a mess! I wonder who's watching me now?
George; NO! NO WAY! STOP IT, KRAMER!
As the two struggle, other customers watch the spectacle and the restaurant owner, Larry, slowly stalks menacingly toward them to break up the wrestling friends.
EXTERIOR SHOT - MONK'S RESTAURANT
it's a little later with the sunlight being blocked by nearby buildings.
INTERIOR SHOT - MONK'S RESTAURANT
Jerry enters and looks a little exasperated.
George; What happened to you?! I've been waiting for an hour!
Jerry; I couldn't get out of my apartment- my stupid pass-card key wouldn't work!
George; Your what?
Jerry (sitting down and looking around); Long story. Kramer already left?
George; Yep. Said something about 'going underground'. He dashed out of here in a hurry, too.
Jerry; Why?
George; Apparently Larry the Cook works for 'The Man'. Funny, I always thought of him just as plain ol' Larry, former prison chef! So check this out! I actually got into The Andromeda Club! And freakiest of all, it was attacked!
Jerry; Say what?
George; It was attacked, Jerry! By ninjas!
Jerry (chuckling with obvious scepticism); Riiiight.
George; No joke! It really happened!, Jer! And even more bizarre, the Club actually has former secret agents as members! They fought the ninjas and then we talked all about our mutual secret service missions!
Jerry; Ninjas versus old Club members? Okay. but...whoa. Wait a second. What 'Mutual secret service missions'?! As in their missions...and your own?!
George; Jer...not my missions, Carter French's, remember? I'm in my element with this Club! I didn't really believe everything they told me, but I sure as hell laid it on just as thick for them, where secret agent Carter French is concerned! They were very impressed with my exploits in Tibet and Bulgaria and the Republic of Moldavia!
Jerry; 'Republic of Moldavia '? Where's that? It sounds familiar?
George (nodding); It's from an old episode of 'Batman' from 1966, but I thought, what the heck! And they ate it up, hook, line, and sinker!
Jerry (sarcastically, under his breath); They sound like a bunch of real winners!
George; I'm definitely going back! I'm gonna look the part next time, though! I gotta fit in better this time.
Jerry; Fine, fine- I'll loan you my Astin Martin! But go easy on the surface-to-air missiles, okay? I've nearly zeroed in on Ernst Blofeld's secret headquarters and I might need some of them!
George smiles and nods ironically, accepting Jerry's humor as obvious jealousy.
EXTERIOR SHOT - THE COSTANZA'S HOUSE
An early evening shot as a pair of cars drive by.
INTERIOR SHOT - THE LIVING ROOM, THE COSTANZA'S HOUSE
We find George entering the living room with a suit case, joining Frank and Estelle Costanza, George's parents, with Frank on the couch, and Estelle holding a bowl by the kitchen door.
Neither of them are in a good mood.
Frank; Tell me again why you think you need your old man's tuxedo?
George; What do you care? You got fifty bucks out of it!
Frank; Oh, yes, fifty dollars! Thank you so much, my son for returning my own money to me! (Raising his voice) I loaned you two hundred! When's that gonna grace my presence? The Rapture?!
George; You'll get it, you'll get it.
Frank; You better! (lifts up a suitcase-sized machine) Because I'm tape recording this! You're committed now, George!
George (under his breath); I should commit you!
Frank; Whazzat? Eh?!
George; Nothing.
Frank; Although I haven't got a clue how you're going to fit that lumpy backside of yours into my pants!
George (sneering); Thanks!
Estelle; And what about your dinner, Georgy? Aren't you going to eat first? I made all this paella!
Frank; AGAIN WITH THE PAELLA! That makes there times in SIX years, woman! Are you trying to kill us or something?!
Estelle; I LIKE PAELLA!
Frank; Then take a photograph! It'll last longerrrr!
Estelle; Don't expect me to make anything else for dinner! I refuse to set foot in that kitchen for another minute! It's paella for your dinner or nothing else!
Frank (jumping out of his chair); Like hell, woman! I'm eating at Arby's! C'mon, George! Drive your Dad to...where's George?
Estelle (looking about); I never saw him leave.
Frank (looking at the ceiling); It's 1964 all over again!
Estelle; Let it go, Frank! It's been thirty years! We found him didn't we?!
Frank; Sure! Hiding in the Heffernan's dog house!
Estelle (waving a dismissive hand at him, placing the paella on the living room table, and walking into the kitchen); Eehh!
Frank (yelling at the closed door); And I'm still not convinced we brought back the right fat kid!
Frank leaves, and after about fifteen seconds of the room being completely silent and empty, we see the closet door slowly open, and eventually see Kramer peak outside. He realizes that the room is empty and then begins to sniff the air as he smells something. His face lights up as he sees the bowl of paella on the table, and dashes for it, giving it a deep, welcoming sniff.
Kramer (whispering); Mmmmmmm! Paellllllaallllaallaaa!
Kramer quickly returns to the closet, and shuts it behind him. A few seconds later Estelle returns to the living room, looks about, and notices that the paella is missing. She smiles with self satisfaction to herself.
Estelle; Arby's my ass! I knew he loved my paella!
EXTERIOR SHOT - THE ANDROMEDA CLUB
An evening shot of the mansion.
INTERIOR SHOT - DRAWING ROOM OF THE ANDROMEDA CLUB
We see George enter the drawing room, this time exuding confidence, dressed in a black suit and wearing dark sunglasses. He looks about the room, but just as before, he's ignored by everyone, except for the Butler, who is offering him a brandy from a silver tray. George gives him a 'thank you' nod, reaches for it, and nearly spills it on the tray since his sunglasses are so dark. He sheepishly uses both hands to take the drink and the Butler leaves, silently shaking his head in annoyance.
George takes a smaller sip this time so he doesn't choke and cough like last time, and casually enters the room. Hartnell and Bentley aren't present, and he doesn't recognize anyone from his previous visit, so he strolls up to a likely new friend and waits to be acknowledged, but the old man simply keeps reading his newspaper. George clears his throat to get noticed, but the old man barely acknowledges his existence.
George; Hello. Don't get up on my part! 'Course you want to remain incognito. Understandable.
Old Guy (still reading); Erg.
George (offering his hand to shake); Geor-...that is, French, Carter French. M.I.B.
Old Guy (looks at him, confused); Eh? You're a 'bee'? Goody for you. So, buzz off.
George; No, sir, not 'I'm a 'bee'! Heh-heh-heh! I'm used to be a covert operative for the M.I.B.- as in 'Men In Black'. You know? The secret government-
Old Guy; Fine, fine. So black-off, then!
George nods meekly and realizes that this won't be his new best friend, so he enters further into the drawing room, trying to act nonchalantly, but still manages to stub his toe on an end table, catching the attention of a pair of old club members. Realizing that they're a detriment, George removes the dark sunglasses and shoves them into his suit jacket pocket.
Making his way to an available chair, he sits on the edge of it, and sips his drink in the ear-shatteringly quiet room, and waits for something interesting to happen. Two old men appear next to George and smile down at him.
First Old Man; Hello, there, young buck! New guy here?
George (standing up to shake their hands); Yes, sir! Hello! I'm Ge- Carter French.
First Old Man; Colonel Biff Maxwell! Nice to meet you, Carter!
Second Old Man; And I'm L.M.P. Brick Nelson, sonny! Welcome to the Andromeda.
George; 'L.M.P.'? Is that like the M.I.B.?
Maxwell; What's an 'M.I.B.'? Is that some kind of Cosmonaut payload?
George; No, it's-
Maxwell; Oh, then you were on one of them there more recent space shuttle missions, eh? Well, Nelson and I go back a ways, eh, Bricky?
George; Why would the space shuttle need secret agents?
Nelson; Beats the heck out of me, sonny! Biff was commander of Skylab and I flew the Lunar Module during one of the Apollo missions! That makes me an L.M.P.!
George; Wow! So...you guys are club members? Along with Double-Oh Nineteen and The Green Condor?
Nelson; Um. Sure. Whoever they are. Tonight, you're in the presence of your fellow astronauts, sonny! Saw you trying to talk to that old fart, Vlad Kreskinski! Russian Cosmonaut, or as I like to refer to him the Russian Cosmo-prick!
Maxwell; So, where've you been, Carter, and what mission?
George (pausing as he gathers his wits); Space shuttle. Yepper! Good ol' space shuttle! Just came off a mission last mon-, rather, some time ago! Been keeping my feet on good ol' terra firma, as it were! Heh-heh! But, I'm going up soon! You can't keep me outta space! You can't do it! I told NASA they have to send me up again, or I'm walking! Should be getting a call soon for my next assignment!
Maxwell; Aaah! Very good, m'boy, very good! I really envy you- you getting back up there in space, the final frontier, looking down at this Big Blue Marble we call home!
George; AW! That's nothing compared to you guys! You've been up to the first space station and the Moon! How cool is that?!
Nelson; Hey- what shuttle were you on, Carter?
George (thinking hard and drawing a blank until a memory of 'Star Trek' pops into his mind); Galileo! Shuttlecraft Galileo! One of the newer jobbies.
Nelson and Maxwell look at each other, both confused.
Nelson; Don't think I ever read about that one in the reports from Mission Control?
George (tapping his head, and faking a mistake); Ooooh! Did I let out a military secret?! Whoops! I think I can trust you guys to keep this secret, but NASA is going to re-name the Endeavour the 'Galileo'! After that telescope-radar guy from the history books! That's what I meant! But, yeah, I was up on the Endeavour when she was still the Endeavour! In fact...(chuckles to himself)...one of my shuttle teammates actually kept pronouncing it 'End-dev-yoo-arrr' because of the V-O-U-R in the name! (snorts as he chuckles) What a blockhead!
Nelson; How does she fly? Is she fast?
Maxwell; How's the zero-g kick-back on her?
George; She's a beauty! Nice smooth ride! And I gotta tell ya...she's super-easy to fly. At least, for someone with my inherent piloting skills, know what I mean? I practically flew her with my eyes closed!
Maxwell; Well done, Carter! That's the mark of an Ace Astronaut if I ever saw one, eh, Bricky? C'mon, Carter, let's get hammered together and trade space stories!
George nods and follows the two former astronauts into a different room.
INTERIOR SHOT - THE COMEDY CLUB
Jerry and Elaine are backstage, and there are a few people moving about near them. We can hear a comedian on stage getting some laughs from the crowd. We see that Elaine is nervous and pacing back and forth, as Jerry smugly smiles at her.
Jerry; You look a little tense, 'lainey?
Elaine (makng it sound obvious); Yeaaaaa! I haven't been on a stage in front of a bunch of people since the fifth grade for a school play! And I didn't have lines to speak in that one! I was a little lamb, Jerry! A LITTLE LAMB! What was I thinking making this bet with you?! I can't do this! I've forgotten everything I wanted to say!
Jerry (tapping a clipboard he's holding); Easiest free dinner I ever earned! I'll be keeping close track of the audience's reactions, Elaine. And the size of my shrimps!
Elaine; You're really enjoying this, aren't you? You're enjoying my utter terror!
Jerry; Yep!
The comedy club owner runs up behind them, looking in five different directions at once like a hyperactive bird, a coffee cup in his hand. He greets both of them.
Jimmy Gents; HiJerryit'sgoodtosee,youandeventhoughI'minabitofarushIhaveaminutetocatchuponthingswithyou!
Elaine blinks at him and shakes her head, caught off guard by Jimmy's hyperactivity and speech patterns.
Jerry; Oh, hey, Jimmy! Doing good, doing good. Just here to support Elaine, here. She's the performer I spoke to you about getting a spot for her in tonight's show. Elaine, Jimmy Gents; Jimmy, Elaine Benes.
Jimmy Gents; HelloElainesoJerrytellsmeyourlastnameisBenessoisthatEuropeanorsomekindaEastCoastmelange?
Elaine (hesistatiing as she tries to translate what she just heard Jimmy say); Um...uhhhh...nice to meet you... too?
Jimmy Gents; Ohokaykeepingyourtrueidentityasecretlikeastandupcomediansuperherothat'scoolI'mdownwiththat.
Jerry; Hey, Jimmy? Can I buy you a coffee?
Jimmy Gents; NothanksthisismyeighteenthoneandifIhaveanother...(Jimmy realizes that Jerry was being sarcastic)...Ooooooooooh!
That'sagoodoneJerryyou'realfunnyonebutdon'tusethatinyouractorI'llwantapercentage! Wellpeopletoseethingstodososeeyabyebye!
Jimmy literally runs away, leaving Jerry and Elaine to watch him leave.
Elaine; Whoa. Remind me to cut down my coffee intake to just one and a half!
Jerry; That's Jimmy! He's what I call a 'quick talker'! It's been said that he can read any Tolstoy book in 20 minutes flat! I've heard he was once the greatest auctioneer on the West Coast at the same time he was the keyboardist for a Bon Jovi cover-band!
Elaine is about to comment when their attention is drawn towards the stage
The Host (voice-over on-stage); Okay, everyone, for our next newbie on Amatuer Night, please put your hands together for...Elaine B!
The crowd provides polite applause, but Elaine isn't going anywhere. She looks at Jerry like a deer in the headlights, but he spins her around and pushes her onto the stage.
Jerry; Daddy's looking forward to his free dinner, 'lainey! Break a leg!
Elaine staggers onto the stage and shuffles over to the microphone, shaking the hand of the Host. Her fears are realized as she sees a full house, and feels very nervous as the applause dies down and she's left staring back at them and them at her. She reaches for the microphone, but it drops out of its holder and falls to the floor, squeeling with feedback. She quickly picks it up and gets some laughs from people that think she's a slapstick act, which loosens her up a little.
Elaine (meekly and too quietly); H-hi, ev-everybody. How's its going?
Man in Audience; Speak up!
Elaine (becoming nervous again); Uuhh, HI! (The microphone squeels with feedback from her speaking too close to it). S-sorry. Hello.
Man in Audience (sarcastically); You're sooo funny!
Elaine (getting annoyed and her bravery returning); Hey. Listen, Mister No-Chin... (The man in the Audience suddenly becomes self conscious and touches his very small chin)...YOU try this and see how you do! You're kinda brave picking on me when you're back there! And not to mention wearing those lame glasses in public!
The man in the audience shrinks in his seat amid laughter at his expense, putting away his thick yellow horn-rimmed glasses. Elaine becomes braver and Jerry looks on with a clipboard and a pen. The Host looks at him questioningly.
Jerry; I'm keeping score. I bet her that she couldn't get five laughs.
The Host (shrugs); She's gotten about three by my count.
Jerry; Oh, no! Those don't count! Hecklers are pre-show laughs! I wanna hear laughs for her material!
The Host; Who are you, The Joke Police?
Elaine; Okay, okay, okay! Let's get this started! WHOOOO-AAAHHH! HAHAHA! (The crowd becomes very quiet and waits for something funny). Okay. Right. Ummmm. OH! Oh-Oh-Oh! So check this out everybody! I had a date with a doctor and yada-yada-yada, I never saw him again! (Again, the crowd just stares at her. She smacks her head) Oh, darn! I forgot part of the story! Um. Never mind. He was a bit of jerk anyway. Am I right, ladies? Huh?
The crowd is becoming restless, and Jerry is grinning off stage, shaking his head.
Jerry; Told her. Not easy.
Elaine; Uh, how about that Ovaltine, huh? What is that stuff? Is it chocolate? Is it gravel? Chocolate-covered gravel? What the heck, huh? How does anybody digest that stuff?! Since when does gravel melt when you stir it?!
Jerry; Stealing from Banya? Ouch!
Elaine (taking out a hanky, and dabs her forehead, and mumbles); Yeowza. This is making me sweat so much my eyebrows are melting! (To that several women in the audience laugh out loud, giving Elaine an idea). You been there and done that, huh, sisters? (They laugh and give her a couple 'yelps') Hey, I didn't get these suckers without a little trouble, know what I'm saying? You men, you have no idea how tough we ladies have it when it comes to our eyebrows!
Jerry frowns as he listens to the crowd laugh, as the Host leans in and tells him,
The Host; That makes six.
Jerry sneers and moves away from the Host, and listens to Elaine continue.
Elaine; So, I have a certain place I go to to get these babies done the way I want, but bless these cute little Korean ladies, sometimes there's a translation problem. Or maybe not. My tongue was pretty numb thanks to me pigging out on Ben And Jerry's 'Chunky-Monkey ice cream after a bad breakup! So, anyways, I walk in there and I ask for 'The Jennifer Lopez', who has eyebrows I'd diiiiie for, am I right, ladies? (Women in the audience whoop it up, as opposed to all of them men in the crowd, who just look confused) So I sit down, and I'm getting ready for the greatest eyebrow waxing and job of my life and the lady says, "Okay. I give you nicey-nice eyebrow. Eyebrow like Jennifer Love Hewitt!" So I freak out! I tell her, "Nonononono! I want 'The Jennifer Lopez'!', but then she says, "Oh, okay-dokey! I give you eyebrow hair like Jennifer Aniston!" So I'm panicking and pushing away her scissors and clippers and it's like a sumo wrestling match as I start screaming at her, "NO! Jennifer Lopez! Jen-nif-er Lo-pez!", and she starts rhyming off every Jennifer listed in the National Enquirer'! Jennifer Grey! Jennifer Connelly! Jennifer Garner! Finally, we stopped fighting and I decided to just give in and let my Korean eyebrow assassin have her way with me. It wasn't so bad; at least she got it half-right. Instead of getting eyebrows like Jennifer Lopez I got them done like George Lopez!
The crowd laughs and applauds, and suddenly Elaine is full of confidence and running through one spontaneous joke after another. The screen fades into her next joke. Elaine has her hands in her eyes with her fingers pointing forward and is wiggling them.
Elaine; So I ask my date, do I look like I'm wearing too much mascara? Well? Do I? And keep in mind that there's only one correct answer, buster, and it involves...lyyyyyying!
Again, the men look nervous, but the ladies in the audience are laughing and cheering Elaine on.
Fade in to Elaine's next set of jokes.
Elaine; And those commercials? 'Maybe she's born with it, maybe it's Maybeline'? Hey! Maybe it's computer-generated!
Fade-in to her next set of jokes, with the women in the audience laughing hard.
Elaine; Oh, and Nice N Easy? How about 'Nice N' Filling'?! I colored my hair with Number Eight Strawberries and Cream and I gained five pounds! What's up with that?!
Fade-in to Elaine finishing her set amidst applause and a very happy comedy club Host, who comes out to greet her, applauding along with the audience.
The Host; Good work, Elaine B! Very good! Let's hear it for Elaine B!
Elaine takes a bow amid applause and goes backstage to look for Jerry, who looks defeated but also confused. Jerry shakes his head, tossing his clipboard away as she meets him backstage. He knows that thanks to all of the women in trhe audience that he's lost his bet with Elaine.
Jerry; How?! How did you get so many laughs with a set like that?! It was just 20 minutes about eyebrows and mascara?! Even Banya tanked out after 10 minutes of Ovaltine jokes!
Elaine; Well, Jer, let me tell you something about the certain kind of person that it takes to face a crowd of people and entertain them. They need bang for the buck !
Jerry (rolling his eyes and becoming exasperated); Okaaaaay. Okay.
Elaine; Ya see, Jer, the semantic affinity of the ying and yang has to be there-
Jerry; Yesyesyesy, okayaaaa, fine.
Elaine (pausing to look up at the ceiling as she pretends to concentrate, then doing a little victory dance in Jerry's face); I believe that was what we in showbiz refer to as...NAILED IT I'm going to enjoy my free dinner soooo much!
Jerry shrugs his shoulders and gives her a pat on the head, and leaves, followed closely by a grinning Elaine, who is almost dancing on air.
Elaine; Gonna get me some shrimps! Gonna be big, honking shrimps, mmmmm-mmmmmm!
EXTERIOR SHOT - THE ANDROMEDA CLUB
An evening shot of the mansion.
INTERIOR SHOT - THE DRAWING ROOM OF THE ANDROMEDA CLUB
George arrives at the Club, this time dressed in a sport coat and mismatched pants, but in his arms is an astronaut helmet. His smile is suddenly erased as he beholds something that he can't believe. Every Club member is naked (althought we only see them from the waist up)! Even stranger, every member has a strange alien mask on that features a large bald head and large black eyes, and all of them are making odd 'meep-meep-meep' noises.
George averts his eyes, his mouth dropped in shock and confusion, as the Butler arrives to offer him his usual brandy. George grabs it and chugs it back. A masked Club member walks past them.
Club Member; Meep-meep-meep! Meep-meep!
George; Cheevers, what...the...HELL...is...going...on...here?!
Second Club Member (walking by them); Meep-meep! Meep? MEEEEEP!
The Butler (with an pained expression); Alien Night, sir. I thought you knew?
George; Knew what?! That my fellow Club members were INSANE?!
The Butler; I see, sir. I suppose being a new member, you would discover our events as they come and go. Tomorrow night will be refreshingly normal compared to this, even if it is Dolly Parton Night.
George; Dolly Parton is coming here?! Is she a member?
The Butler; No, sir, the Club members will, themselves, be dressing up as Ms. Dolly Parton. It is the usual course for Tuesday night.
Third Club Member (walking past them, his arms stretched out); Meep-meep-meepy-meeping-meep!
George (catching a glimpse of a naked Club member and turning away); I'm so confused! Where're Colonel Maxwell?! Where's Hartnell, the ex-MI5 agent?!
The Butler looks across the drawing room and squints, nodding at a pair of masked naked men near the bookcase.
The Butler; That would be Maxwell on the left and Hartnell on the right.
George; How can you tell?!
The Butler; To be blunt, , has a third nipple and has a rather obvious tattoo of William Shatner on his left thigh.
George; I still don't get it! Why're they doing this?!
The Butler; For years this was a stuffy old Club, , and we began to lose clientele, and not because they were expiring of natural causes. Then one day Mr..Nelson came upon the idea of the Club members play-acting on each of the different days of the week- one day they would pretend to be former world leaders, another former secret agents, another former astronauts, and so on and so forth. As you can see for today they dress up as space aliens.
George (lowering his head, sounding completely depressed and disappointed); Oh, my God!
The Butler taps him on the shoulder, and George looks at him to see a worried expression on his his face, and follows the direction that Cheevers is pointing); Might I suggest a tactical retreat, ? Nelson has a probe in his hand!
George panics and pushes against Cheevers and they run out of the drawing room as the masked Biff Nelson appears, brandishing what looks more like a silver flute.
Nelson; Meep-meep-meep? MEEEEEP!
EXTERIOR SHOT - THE COSTANZA'S HOUSE
Meanwhile at that same time of the evening...
INTERIOR SHOT - THE COSTANZA'S HOUSE
We find Frank and Estelle in their living room, Estelle is very nervous and Frank is shaken, but trying his best to keep his wife calm.
Estelle; I can't believe this, Frank!
Frank (quietly); Sshhshhshh! Not so loudly, my dear.
Estelle (quietly); Why're They here? What did we do to deserve this?! How did they find us?! It's 1961 all over again!
Frank (quietly); It doesn't matter, Estelle; we'll get through this! The Man is watching us, but they won't get anything on us! They can send as many spies as they want to watch us and record us, but they'll get nothing from us, ya hear? Nothing!
Frank lowers Estelle to sit on the couch and he robotically picks up a TV Guide, flips through it for 3 seconds, then speaks louder over his shoulder.
Frank; I believe I have found a suitably innocuous, harmless televisual programme for us to watch on the television set, my dear. I believe it is currently playing on Channel Four on the National Broadcasting Company. Let us sit down on our fully-paid for chesterfield and enjoy our quiet evening together.
Frank sits down, uses the remote to turn on the television, and sits stiffly staring straight ahead, expressionless, as we hear the sound of the laugh track playing on a sitcom. Estelle shifts uncomfortably and frowns deeply. She starts to look over her shoulder, but stops herself and looks back at the TV. Her face twists as if she's going to be sick.
Estelle (very quietly, barely moving her lips); You know I can't stand 'The Fresh Prince of Bel Air'! It's so improbable that I-
Frank (quietly); Hush! It makes us look hip and with it and harmless! He's watching us! Don't give him anything to report back to to The Man!
The camera pulls back as the couple stares rigidly ahead as the TV plays on, and the camera shifts across to one side of the room, then slowly zooms in towards the closet as the theme song of 'The Fresh Prince of Bel Air' begins to play..
INTERIOR SHOT - THE CLOSET
We see that Kramer has fallen asleep inside the Costanza's closet, an empty bowl in his lamp, having eaten all of the paella by himself. He's softly snoring, and mumbling incoherently, until...
Kramer (sleepily); ...shooting some b-ball...a couple of guys...up to no good... ZZZZZ!...making trouble in neighborhood...zzzz...
Roll End Credits.