Chapter 3

Fears

"Something must be done", Merlin thought.

So far her day, hasn't been the brightest nor the most common, and for her that is saying a lot. Her dreams have now become more vivid, and with each one she could feel her magic spinning out of her control.

She had already seen what her magic did while she wasn't conscious, the first few times were harmless enough with only a couple of floating objects that immediately fell to the floor as soon as she awoke. But now she was worried, subtly her magic had quickly spiraled out of her control when her body was at its most vulnerable; she feared sleep for the dreams that plagued her and for she knew her arduously earned grasp on her powers would slip away as if she never had it in the first place.

Gaius, bless him, could only try to make her sleep tonics in the hope that she would have a dreamless sleep, but her magic seemed to cancel out the effects of the potion.

All her dreams, had just been that, figments of her imagination that disappeared moments before she opened her eyes leaving her with intense feelings that she couldn't place.

Except for today.

Today she remembered. Today she had been far away in the ruins of what looked like to be a city, but what she had felt was home. She had felt the despair and anger that her dream-self had felt, she had cradled that boy in her arms and it was her voice that the wind carried as she honored those she had failed to protect. Overwhelming grief had consumed her completely and her magic had responded just as fervently.

Her chambers were destroyed.

Bookshelves and had been cut in half, her documents and books all ripped to shreds, even her own clothing had taken flight for it was strewn all over the room.

"Celeste will have a very busy day," she mused thinking about her maidservant. Running trembling fingers through her face, she felt moisture on her cheeks. Quickly she got up and took a good look at her reflection in the mirror, what she saw there left her breathless; her nose was red, her usual shiny black hair was now dull and limp her face was swollen and blotchy, but what caught her attention were her eyes.

A pair of bright golden eyes looked back at her. Slowly she lifted a finger to her right eye, looking as her reflection copied her movements. Carefully she felt around her eye, she didn't feel the usual burning when they turned gold so she was fairly certain that her eyes were their natural blue color. Then as if sensing her confusion, her reflection raised her right hand and pointed at her and then at herself.

"What-" Merlin was cut off when her double smiled and her eyes glowed gold, and she saw how the destruction zone that was her room magically restored itself. In a matter of seconds it was back to normal, leaving a wide-eyed Merlin looking around in confusion.

"But I am awake, why?"

Turning to the mirror for answers she was shocked to see her own panicked face. The vision was gone, and for the first time since she was an untrained little girl, Merlin felt something that she thought had outgrown.

Fear of her powers.

"So is Merlin doing better after your talk yesterday?"

Arthur froze, fork midway to his mouth. He knew Gwen was going to ask about the subject soon, but he didn't expect her to do it during lunch, "uh of course, we had a very long discussion and now everything is fine."

Gwen looked him straight in the eye, "you didn't talk to her did you?"

"No I did not," said Arthur while putting his head down hiding his grimace. He should have known that his wife could see right through his lie, hell the only other woman in his life capable of doing so was Merlin herself.

"Arthur, why do you hesitate? Merlin is your best friend, you shouldn't feel this awkward around her."

"I know that it's just-" Arthur rubbed his face roughly, appetite lost. "I was ready to talk to her yesterday, I thought I knew what the problem was. I practiced in my head exactly what I was going to say to her, and when I found her I realized that I was wrong."

"What do you mean?"

"Her magic ran wild yesterday while she was asleep, maybe it was due to the dreams she was having because she looked pained and her magic manifested itself by changing the atmosphere of her surroundings. I didn't even know her nightmares were so bad that it was causing this to happen, but Merlin did and she didn't tell me."

"Maybe she didn't tell you, because she knew you'd worry. I'm sure that she will confide in you completely when she is ready" Gwen said while putting a comforting hand on top of her husband's.

Arthur replied with a small smile, he knew she was right of course. Merlin wasn't one person to openly tell everyone about her problems, a habit she was still trying to break after years of secrets. Hopefully she would see that she can always count on him the same way he had counted on her throughout his life.

Suddenly the doors to his room swung open, one of them flying off its hinges, startling the couple. Quickly, Arthur was on his feet, sword drawn and standing defensively in front of Gwen, while the latter had a hand over her heart as if trying to calm her rapid beating.

"Sorry! I'm so sorry, I didn't- it wasn't meant to be this forceful!" A frantic looking Merlin, busted through the ruined doors, her hair was windblown and her face paler than usual. Looking at the broken doors, she let out a whimper and a sob that she quickly tried to hide.

After the initial shock had passed, Arthur's gaze centered on the girl in front of him. "Merlin what is going on?! You destroyed my doors, scared us half to death and-" he averted his eyes from her, a blush making its way to his face. "You're not decent to be in the presence of others yet, cover yourself for goodness' sake!"

Gwen was the second to notice the state of her friend, Merlin stood in front of them in a very thin nightgown that had been torn in some places, half of her right shoulder was bare and there was a long slit that cut her left side all the way to her hip. When Merlin didn't take any action, Gwen quickly grabbed one of the blankets from their bed and covered her with it, concern growing when she noticed how badly Merlin was shaking.

"I have to leave Arthur, I must leave right now. I don't need to be asleep anymore! While I'm awake it happens too, need to leave."

Looking more confused than ever in his life, Arthur sputtered "what are you talking about Merlin? What do you mean you are leaving? Have you gone mad?!"

"Yes, maybe you are right. I have gone crazy. Losing my sanity has made me lose control, that's probably it." Giving a pleading look to the man in front of her she asked him, "am I crazy Arthur?"

In all the years he had known her, he had never seen Merlin in such a state. Whatever it was that was hurting his friend, needed to be taken care of now.

"You are not leaving Camelot, Merlin. You are the Court Sorceress, we need you here and you know it. But-" he added quickly once he saw her opening her mouth to argue, "I can obviously see that whatever has come upon you, it's taking a toll on both your physical and mental health. Since it is magic related, I say we ask the druids on anything they know. We'll ride tomorrow at dawn, for now do try to rest a bit. It won't do for the druids to see the mighty Emrys in this sorry state."

Given their history, Arthur was surprised when Merlin meekly nodded and let Gwen guide her back to her rooms. He had been such a fool! If only he had spoken to her earlier maybe they could have found a cure by now, or at least have an idea of what they were dealing with. His best friend was suffering from only God knows what and he was just sitting around hoping for it to just go away, counting on her to able to resolve it herself without noticing that she was begging for help.

"Sire! We heard a terrible noise! Are you alright?"

Looking up he noticed Leon and Gwaine at the entrance to his rooms, or at the remains of the carefully designed oak double doors.

"What the hell happened here? Were you attacked?" asked Leon, his eyes looking over at his king, making sure he was unharmed.

Shaking his head Arthur sighed, "I wasn't attacked, it was Merlin."

Two sets of wide eyes looked at him and then at the debris, then Gwaine threw his head back and laughed.

"Well hell Princess! What did you do to her! Must have been something really bad."

"Honestly Arthur, you should know better!" Leon chastised a dumbfounded king, while trying to hide a little smile.

"She lost control of her magic, and this is the result. It wasn't the first time it has happened." Arthur replied.

Immediately both knights sobered up, all traces of humor gone. Gwaine was the first to break the silence.

"What do you mean it's not the first time it happens?"

Sighing for the hundredth time, Arthur explained the happenings of the past weeks. The knights' faces growing more worried by the second, while fear for their friend was evident in their eyes.

"Tomorrow we are paying a visit to the druids, they may have some knowledge as to how to help her. Let the others know and be ready, we will leave at dawn."

Leon shook off the shock and nodded. Both him and Gwaine left the royal quarters and began to prepare for the travel.

As soon as he was alone, Arthur started to slowly clean up the chambers, mostly to keep himself busy. Of course his cleaning skills were extremely lacking, and when Guineviere returned to their chambers, she found the place just as messy as before.

"Merlin is asleep" she said, bringing Arthur out of the many thoughts consuming his mind.

"How was she?"

Gwen shrugged, "it was hard to keep her calm. She was afraid to be left alone, she kept saying that she 'had no control' and that she should be locked away. Gaius had to give her a strong sedative to get her to sleep, unfortunately they can't keep her dreams away but hopefully she's sedated enough that her magic can be subdued. At least so that she won't harm herself."

Arthur grimaced at the news. They were now treating her like a raving lunatic that needed to be kept drugged and locked up; he put his head on his hands and let out a long breath.

"How did we get to this point? I don't understand how the situation has gone so out of control so quickly! She was fine a few months ago, and now we are drugging her like she's mad?"

"Arthur, please calm down" Gwen tried to soothe her husband but he angrily swatted away her hands.

"No! It's not fair Guinevere! After everything she's done, everything she's been through, she doesn't deserve to be treated like this!" He yelled, he could feel his face burning out of anger and he knew that he needed to calm down but he just couldn't.

In a quick and swift motion, Gwen took both his hands firmly and looked him in the eye. "I know Arthur! I know Merlin doesn't deserve this and I know how badly it hurts to see her like this, I am her friend too!" Seeing that he had somewhat relaxed, she continued "Merlin has always been there for you, through thick and thin she remained strong because you needed her there whether you realized it or not. Now it's your turn Arthur, be the strength she needs."

She was right, he knew she was right. For the first time, he was needed as Emrys' strength, he could feel in his soul that his other half was in danger. And he would do everything to save her.

There was blood everywhere, rivers and rivers of it staining her boots. She walked slowly as the mutilated corpses increased in number. Eyeless bodies gazed at her, their faces showing nothing else but raw fear.

It was too much to bear.

Closing her eyes, she could hear the voices of the dead screaming at her, begging, and blaming her. It was at the end of the road that she stopped cold. She knew what she would find, but her mind couldn't allow her to open her eyes not only to the scene before her, but also to the truth. It would break her heart.

Slowly she opened her eyes, and gazed at the embers of what once was a giant bonfire. She let a trembling hand hover around the ashes, for a few moments and felt the magic surround the remains.

Screams, sobs and pleads attacked her ears. They had been alive when the fire started, children and babies burned to death unable to leave the bonfire.

"Emrys", a voice called.

She didn't know when the tears had started to pour freely from her eyes, or when her legs had given out under her. But she couldn't raise her head to look at the murderer in the face.

"Why?" she asked, "Was this the revenge you seek? To murder the innocent?"

Cold laughter was his reply, "Revenge? This was a warning to all the others to let them know that we are a force to be respected and feared. No one will dare go against us. We are superior to them, we always were, and it is time they understood."

It was then that Emrys looked up, "Iorek, please". Her most faithful companion was covered in blood, his eyes cold and murderous with a mocking smile placed on his face.

"I made you a promise Emrys, and I always keep my promises."