Chapter 3: The good part
"Spooderman!" yelled Sandman.
"Sandman!" yelled Spooderman.
"This ends now" said Sandman lamely.
Spooderman then said "Not today". It was an amazing comeback.
Sandman, Aunt May and What's-his-face were all stunned at Spooderman's razor sharp wit.
So Spooderman took advanteg of the distraction and started spaying webs at the son of a beach.
"LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL" Laffed the bad guy evilly "You forgot I'm made of sand! It's gonna take more than that to trap me!"
"Oh shit, your right!" said Spooderman. So he started spraying an unnamed sticky white substance with his other hand to.
But it wasn't enough, Sandguy was started to get free!
"Do something, Jeremy" said Aunt May.
"Like what?" asked Jeremey
"Spray sticky liquid at the bad guy, like Spooderman is!" said aunt May
"But Spooderman has super powers and I dosnt." Clarified Jermy
"That's not true" said aunt may pointing towards Jeremy's gigantic crotch "you have that and Spooderman dosnt!"
"Your right." Said Jeremy pulling his fire hose out. "I have a weapon that can help Spooderman defeat Sandman!"
Then Sandman turned on his iPod and started playing Darude – Sandtorm!
"Look out!" said Spooderman "he's playing his theme song! That's the source of his superpowers!"
"Not for long" said Jeremy as he aimed his weapon with the same precision he did whenever he used a public toilet. "3…2…1…..FIRE!" but his "glock" didn't fire, instead it wilted more than Aunt May's houseplants at the sound of the ear-bleeding techno music.
"Oh no!' screamed Jeremy "it's not working!"
"Here, let me give you a hand" said Aunt May suggestively.
"K" said Jeremy.
And then Aunt May proceded to load Jeremy's superweapon and pumped it like the massive shotgun it resembled. Jeremy's butthole cleched tightly as Aunt May redied the wepon for firing.
Jeremy got ready as Aunt may stroked him one last time and his weapon exploded with a spray of a sticky, white non-milk substance that doused Sandman.
"Oggleboggle!" went sandman, his theme music wouldn't save him this time.
The non-milk substance continued poring out of Jeremy's 3-foot long fire hose like cheap desert from a softserve ice cream machine in a Chinese buffet.
And the sandguy choked to death on Jeremy and Spoodermans sweet creamy mystery juices.
"Whoo!" in your face beach!" said Spooderman.
Aunt May punched Spooderman in the face for his retarded-ass pun. In fact she punched him so hard that his mask fell off and landed in the garbage disposal to reveal….a doof with an even more punch-worthy haircut. It was….Peetor Parkour!
"Peetor!" said Aunt May as she had a stroke "How could you? You let Officer Buttfu- I mean, Uncle Ben die!"
Peetor shrugged and said "It was an accident, LOL" He then repeated it for emphasis.
"It's K, Spooderman." Said Jeremy "I forgive you for whatever it is you did."
"Me too" said Aunt May because she wanted to get laid.
"Hey I have an idea!" sed Spooderman "Let's all have an orgy!"
"Yeah!" said Jeremy.
And so they went to Ant May's room. It smelled like old people and socks. Peeter Parkour shed his spider suit like a spider sheds its exoskeleton every winter (Check Wikipedia, they ttly do!)
Jeremy shed his clothes like a reptile sheds its skin, revealing his massive snake. His sweat-covered glistening muscles glistened in the light of the flickering 8-yr old light bulb.
"let's get it on!" said Spooderma-, I mean Peeter Parkour, as he jumped onto Aunt May's stained bedsheets.
"Yeah!" said Jeremy as he jumped onto the bed with Peetor, and the two of them started humping like beached whales.
"OMFG!" Screamed Aunt May "Stop that you dunderheaded simpletons!"
"Like, wutz wrong Aunt May" asked Peetor.
"I know wuts wrong!" said Jeremy smartly. "It's because she's Cathilic! They don't like gay ppl!"
"OMG" said Peetor "Dats terribal!"
"I know" said Jeremy "Thankfully, President Barax Obama is working hard to make not liking gay ppl against the law."
"Yay!" said Peetor "Now I know."
And knowing is half the battle" said Jeremy's nostalgia.
Then suddenly a super-soldier broke in thrue the window and all the glass in the window flew everywhere. It was….Harry Styles. A.K.A. The Hobgoblin!
"Harry!" said Peetor "WTF R U doing here?!"
"I needed your blood to cure my Goblin cancer and you didn't give it to me." Said Harry "So imma gonna kill you and your gay boyfriend!"
"You cant kill me." Said Jeremy "Im a protected minority!"
"Das right!" said Spooperman. "Besides you don't need my blood anymore, thanks to Obambacare! He'll cure any disease you have, and its all at the expense of the 1% douchebags."
"I'm a 1% douchebag!" snarled Harry
"Oh" said Peeter
"Couldn't you just use your money to hire a supergenius like tony Stork to creat a new element to cure your diesiese for you?" said Jeremy smartly.
"OMG" said Hobglobin "Your Right!"
"I know I am" said Jeremy.
"Imm gonna go do that right now!" and he did, and then he went out for ice cream, and then he came back.
"Jeremy, because you inspired me to solve the problem myself instead of waiting for the government to do it for me, im gonna give you….One-million dollars." Said Harry.
Jeremy would have creamed his pants in delight, but he was saving himself for Aunt May.
"Hooray" said Peetor "now we can buy a nice house to live in!"
"Yes" said Jeremy "Ill use my money to build it for you! And when its done, you two can finally screw me!"
"Why cant we do it now?" asked Aunt May's vagina.
"Because…:"said Jeremy "Peetor and I aren't legal age yet, and it would be against da law too."
"It's ok." Said Peetor "I don't mind waiting."
"Back off, you little shit!" screamed Aunt May so hard she almost had a stroke. "He's Mine!"
"Don't worray" said Jeremy "I don't mind sharing."
"I'm not gonna let my bitch of a nephew become a little faggit!" Shrieked Aunt May in a very in character type of way.
"Don't worray" said Jeremy again. "It's not gay if it's a 3-way. Lonely Island said so."
"Yeah" said peetor, and then he showed his homophobic Aunt the video on his iPhone 6.
"Hmm. Ok" said Aunt May "if you say so"
"Dats da spirit" said Jeremy.