Chapter 3:
At 6.50pm Quinn parked her car. She didn't need to drive, she lived a ten minute walk away, but a car would help her refrain from drinking too much and she felt it was important to keep her head together around Rachel. She'd had the afternoon to think and she had questions to ask.
Catching her reflection in the glass doors she quickly straightened her clothes before pulling the door open. She'd spent two hours deciding that she shouldn't change, then at the last minute she pulled out a dress that she'd never had the chance to wear. Maybe it was too much, but when she saw Rachel sat at the corner booth, she felt underdressed.
She didn't have designer outfits like that in her wardrobe, her salary didn't allow it, but then she didn't attend awards dinners or have to promote her work like Rachel must have to. Rachel stood up as she got closer and Quinn was knocked back.
"You look amazing." Quinn blushed as she raked her eyes over a smiling Rachel.
"As do you. Beautiful." Rachel reached out a hand, taking Quinn's, pulling her closer and placing a kiss on her cheek. "I love your dress. Red really suits you. Oh Quinn, it's truly good to see you."
"I..."Quinn was lost for words and grateful when the waiter appeared. He placed two glasses and a bottle on the table and Quinn looked at Rachel curiously.
"I thought I'd order. It's the only decent wine they have on the menu so I thought I'd get a bottle. You drink red?"
"I do." She nodded and took a sip. Perhaps driving wasn't the best idea.
"It's not bad." Rachel topped up their glasses. "Only one vegan dish though!"
"You're surprised that breadstix is still as bad as it was?"
"I'm surprised it's still open! I'm sure there are better places in Lima, I was just feeling a little nostalgic earlier."
"Being at McKinley?"
"Seeing you." Rachel spoke softly her eyes not leaving Quinn's. For a moment they just sat there. Quinn couldn't think of what to say.
"I saw you on Broadway." Quinn eventually spoke. "You were something else. Everything I thought you would be and then some."
"You didn't come and say hi?" Rachel was offended and it showed.
"I didn't. I couldn't stay and well you were busy and the stage door was rammed. I thought I'd leave you to shine and take in your moment." Quinn smiled warmly as she remembered seeing Rachel lapping up the praise that she totally deserved. Now she was sitting looking at her across a table at Breadstix, she hadn't imagined them being here together ever again.
"Quinn, I'd have loved to see you. I never knew." Rachel thumped her fist on the table lightly. "We could have...I mean...well it, it's been too long Quinn." Rachel shook her head. "We start again now."
"We do, we can. I just can't believe you're in Lima. At McKinley of all places." Quinn couldn't help but ask. "Why?"
"You came back." Rachel tried to shrug off the question, but Quinn's look wouldn't let her. "I got tired Quinn. Don't you ever get tired?"
"I never won a Tony. I thought that would give you energy for a thousand years."
"As supporting actor? I'm not saying I'm not thrilled, I'm still amazed at it, but I guess I thought it was the beginning yet at times I feel like it was the end. I made it too soon. I've worked non-stop since then and fought so hard to make my career work. I make plenty of money and I never stop working because they never let me. They just want receipts and they don't care what that does to a person. To me. ...sorry." Rachel stopped, her eyes clouded.
"What happened Rachel?" Quinn reached out her hand and took Rachel's. She didn't try to hide she was concerned and she could see how Rachel was struggling to hold it together.
"I got broken. I pushed, they pushed me back and in the end I broke. Maybe I've been fighting too long, it's always been me, pushing, making my point. Proving I belong. Then I made it, but what for?"
"You wanted to be a star." Quinn assured.
"I did." Rachel nodded. "I wanted it. I got it. Now I don't know what I want anymore. What comes next? So, yeah, now I'm here. Have you ever felt lost Quinn? Thought you knew who you were, but then found you have no idea, no control? Well, that's how I feel, that's why I came home. I needed my Dads and something simple."
"But now you're at school, that wasn't in your plans?"
"No, but I got bored. I love my Dads but really it doesn't take long for me to need something else to focus on. I needed a challenge and then I found out there's no arts programme at McKinley! I couldn't have that Quinn." Rachel drained her glass before pouring another. "I don't know how could you stand it? Did glee club mean nothing to you?" Rachel hadn't meant the last question to sound so brutal, but to Quinn it was like a punch in the stomach.
"I loved glee." Quinn's voice cracked, she'd heard Rachel out, but didn't expect it to end with a kick like that. "I kind of tried to get something together, but Sue is quite the wall when it comes to getting any artistic funding at school. I've never stopped trying though Rachel. I never would. Glee gave me something, we were all part of something special and of course it helped you on your way."
"And that's why I have to make this happen. I need to give something back because right now I don't feel like anything I do matters. I feel like I'm nothing."
"You'll never be nothing." Quinn took both Rachel's hands in hers and squeezed them firmly. "We all get lost a long the way. Maybe its good to know that even 'the Rachel berry' has moments too."
Rachel looked at Quinn for a moment, then at their hands on the table. Releasing one from Quinn's grip and instantly missing the warmth of the other woman's touch. "I don't feel anything anymore. I stand on stage and its empty. I get up in the morning and I feel empty."
"Then maybe you aren't doing the right thing? Find a new play, something else. Why not TV or film?"
"I'm not for them. I went to LA a few years back now. Lots of auditions, but it wasn't, I wasn't what they wanted."
"They can't see how amazing you are then."
"I don't know Quinn, I'm not the girl you knew in High School. I'm getting too old for this business."
"Nonsense." Quinn laughed. "You're feeling sorry for yourself. That's fine. Soon you'll be desperate to get back on that stage. You live for applause."
"Maybe." Rachel shrugged, she wasn't as convinced as Quinn, things had changed.
"I bet you'll be back in New York sooner than you think."
"I've got six months off. A full on break. You've surely seen the reports by now?" Rachel emptied the bottle of wine between their glasses.
Quinn had looked on the internet that afternoon, but there were a lot of conflicting stories.
"I've seen them. So you either have laryngitis or a drug addiction?" Quinn quirked her eyebrow.
"Exactly." Rachel laughed. "Not allowed a vacation, so we'll go with rehab. Perhaps I like a few too many glasses of wine." Rachel clinked their glasses together. And within a breath another bottle appeared at the table and Quinn gave up any notion of staying sober that night. She couldn't deal with all Rachel's news without a few drinks. She'd pick her car up in the morning.
xoxo
A group walked in just as they finished their meal, some of the boys were in letterman jackets. Quinn saw them and then noticed Rachel was following them too.
"Being here, it's okay?"
"You mean Finn?"
"I do." Quinn hadn't felt sure how to broach the subject. Rachel swilled the drink in her glass for a few moments.
"I loved him." Rachel said flatly. Not looking up.
"I know." Quinn nodded and Rachel finally met her eye.
"I think you did too, but I hope that's not an issue between us?"
"It's been a long time. I wish I'd seen you when it happened."
"I'm sort of glad you didn't. I think seeing you,,,"Rachel swallowed a lump in her throat. "It would have been harder, I don't know why. I guess I'm glad I had the chance to grieve for me and him. I don't think I could have coped if it was for you too." Rachel looked up. "does that sound harsh? I don't mean it to."
"I get it." Quinn didn't think she could have faced Rachel then either. It was too raw. On the brief moments they'd seen each other since, they'd never spoken of him. They'd barely spoken to each other at all.
Now Rachel was in town she had a real chance to change all that, but at the memory of Finn she found herself struggling as if she was treading water. She didn't realise she was crying until she saw that Rachel was.
"I'm sorry." Rachel dried her eyes and looked searchingly at Quinn.
Quinn wasn't quite sure what Rachel was sorry for or what answer she was looking for in her face, somehow she managed to turn her lips into a smile and Rachel reciprocated.
"We should talk about happier times?"
"You got married?" Rachel's eyes widened as she remembered one of the things she'd been desperate to ask about.
Quinn grimaced involuntarily. "I did. Long story." Quinn motioned to the waiter. "Lets go somewhere. I need something stronger." Rachel was quickly emptying notes onto the table. Protesting when Quinn said she'd get it. They split the bill and walked towards a nearby bar.
"This is new." Rachel walked through the door Quinn was holding open.
"Opened last summer. It's about as good as it gets in Lima. I've not bumped into anyone from High School yet, so I like it."
"You're not close with the other teachers?"
"Not so much. Some are okay. I try to keep work and home separate. I took out Miss Hanson one time. BIG mistake." Quinn chuckled and Rachel's interest was piqued. "She liked tequila, she also liked the bar man. I was sat at a stool watching her take shots in between kissing his face off. She later threw up all over my shoes. She can barely look at me now."
"She seems so…nice, so sweet." Rachel laughed, she'd met Miss Hanson. She'd taken a cookie and felt welcomed, but she knew Quinn wasn't making it up. "Like Miss Pilsbury."
"Aren't they all!" Quinn ordered a scotch and waited for Rachel to decide.
"A Daiquiri. I'm feeling indulgent, plus it's a special occasion. Seeing you again." She held Quinn's eyes for a moment.
"So, you're here six months." Quinn closed her eyes as she tasted her drink. "Then what?"
"First I get this glee club to nationals. There are good kids here, well I guess there are good kids everywhere, but I want to do something." Rachel chewed her bottom lip nervously.
Quinn smiled warmly. "I feel the same. They walk in my classroom and I want to give them a chance, some hope. Anything really, its tough being that age. The attitude they fling around makes me want to help them more, but it's not always possible. We can't fix everything, but we get the chance to try and help. I hope I said that the way I meant it. It's hard to express sometimes."
"In the classroom you can offer hope of a different world? The ticket out of here? Just like glee club." Rachel felt proud that she could relate.
"We don't all take the ticket though Rach. I didn't. It kept being offered, but..."
"You did, you just changed the destination and turned it back to Lima, but you got out and you did live and you did dream. I know you did Quinn."
"For a bit. Yeah."
"So what changed?"
"I was always looking for something that didn't exist. Always seeking someone else to validate me. I thought I found that."
"Oh yeah, back to the marriage! You'd thought I'd forgotten." Rachel giggled but Quinn wasn't smiling. "You don't have a happy marriage?"
"I..." Quinn didn't want to talk about her relationship with Greg, but she'd no way out now. The scotch was warming her insides and Rachel was a willing listener. "It was a whirlwind, that's what happened. Greg came along and it felt so right. He bought me back here when my Mum got sick and stayed with me. He was more than I could have asked for. Made all the decisions, made me feel safe."
"But it's not what you want now?"
"I don't know." Quinn shrugged. "We've separated."
"Oh."
"He says I need time to work out what I want. Says i'm not all there for him anymore, whatever that means."
"Do you love him?" Rachel's question was simple but blunt.
Quinn didn't answer, she emptied her glass and studied the room. "I'm not sure I've ever..." she stopped. "He's my best friend." She concluded.
Rachel wasn't satisfied. "That's not a reason to spend a life time together."
"I thought it was once."
"But what about passion?"
"I don't think…I don't need that…" Quinn shook her head slowly as she spoke.
"I think that's sad Quinn."
"Maybe." Quinn sighed. "I thought I could love him, I do think I do love him, but…"
"He doesn't make you feel that thing?"
"Like when your heart beats that little bit faster, your face turns into a smile when you see the person you love? I don't know if that's possible. I had that with Beth for a heartbeat, but I let it go."
"Quinn." Rachel swallowed thickly, but the tears slipped from her eyes.
"You don't need to cry for me Rachel. I've cried enough. I'm happy to accept this is my lot."
"I think you're crazy to just accept that."
"How could you understand? It's different for you. You always will be special and adored. I'm just me. I belong here."
"I don't agree." Rachel shook her head. "I may be adored on stage but the rest of my days are lonely. Too lonely."
"I find that hard to believe. I've seen photos of you with this guy and the next." Quinn was quick to dismiss Rachel, but Rachel wasn't going to let her.
"I need 'dates' for public events, It's just how it works. I've had a handful of relationships but nothing that really counted and I really do get lonely. I find it hard to say, but it's true. If only...look I never want someone else to know how it feels, but yeah I find myself envying others. People that settle down and find someone and have kids. I found the something but not the person. Turns out it's not enough. I've never had someone to go home to, someone that cared where I was that wasn't making money from me. Someone that made me pancakes for breakfast!"
"And you think coming back to Lima can change that? Are you looking for another Finn?" Quinn couldn't help herself.
"No." Rachel shook her head. "I'm here for me. I think maybe I have some big choices ahead, but I need to figure out what I want first and I can't do that in New York. I feel I can barely breathe there at the moment."
"It's a lot quieter here." Quinn agreed as she finished her drink. She scanned the room before looking back at Rachel. "Too quiet." A familiar song came on in the background, Quinn heard Rachel hum along. "You belong to Broadway." Quinn added after a moment, she just couldn't see how Rachel could give up on her dream so easily.
"Maybe I do, but right now I belong to Lima and I'm needed here."
"It just doesn't make sense to me."
"But it does to me and maybe it's not just about the glee club, maybe I'm meant to be here because you're here." Rachel's eyes flashed as she stared Quinn down.
"Because I'm here? What are you going to do? Save me from my safe little life as a High school English teacher. I love my job."
"Or from accepting that being a teacher is all you are."
"I'm happy."
"You're not." Rachel wasn't backing down. "So what fabray, you don't think I can save you."
"I don't need saving Berry." Quinn laughed, she was enjoying watching Rachel get worked up.
"Pah." Rachel waved her hand dismissively, she was half joking, making an attempt to wind Quinn up, but as the words came out of her mouth she couldn't help but wondering if this is what she was meant to do.
Quinn had once told her she didn't belong here. She'd helped her on her way, but somehow this is where they'd both ended up. She couldn't help but wonder if Quinn was as lost as she was.
As Rachel's head filled with a new goal, she sipped on her third daiquiri and another song played in the background that she couldn't quite place.
"This song always makes me think of you." Quinn said quietly and Rachel felt the strings pull at her heart. She looked at Quinn searchingly but she didn't know what question she needed to ask.
"Dance?" Rachel didn't wait for an answer. They'd spent their youth singing and dancing their hearts out, it's how they expressed themselves throughout high school.
"You sure?" Quinn looked at her quizzically, remembering how Rachel never liked to dance.
"I always looked to you." Rachel grinned. Seeing Quinn had brought back a lot of old memories.
Quinn smiled warmly. "It's good to have you back Rach."
The song played and Rachel sang along quietly. Only Quinn could hear and although she was meant to be resting her voice, she felt so relaxed that she couldn't help herself.
She was whirling around and felt free, she didn't notice the guy in a booth filming her on his phone. Rachel stumbled and Quinn quickly reached out, stopping her from falling.
"I think we should call it a night." Quinn settled their tab. "I can't handle those kids tomorrow if I have a bad head."
Rachel wanted to stay, but she knew she'd had too much to drink. They were laughing as they left the bar and she couldn't have imagined a better evening.
"Goodnight." Quinn offered a half smile, but Rachel could't contain her excitement.
"That was the best night I've had in years. We should do it again...if you want?" her nerves crept back in as she examined Quinn's face, always struggling to read the blonde.
"We'll do it again, definitely. We've got six months, but I think you'll be sick of this place and me before that time is up."
"I doubt that. I'd like it if we could try and be friends now, we never really managed it before, but well I hope you want that too."
"I..."Quinn shook her head playfully, but her smile won out. "I'd love that."
"Come here." Rachel pulled Quinn into a hug, but it felt strange immediately. They'd never been close, but Rachel had wanted to hold her and now she was, all she could feel was how rigid Quinn was in her arms. She could only think that Quinn wasn't used to hugging her friends so she let go quickly. "Goodnight Quinn." she said softly as Quinn opened the door for the taxi. She turned back to see Quinn waving as she drove away. She didn't think she would ever stop smiling. For the first time in years, Rachel felt truly happy.