Fear, panic, sadness, disbelief. All-powerful emotions one can experience. Each attacks and infiltrates the human mind like a virus powerful yet silent, sneaking its way in, grabbing a firm hold of the synapses and neurons of the brain without the conscious mind ever knowing its there. Then when your guard is down they ignite their attack taking over your conscious thoughts controlling every move you make and every sound that escapes your lips.
I remember the feeling, I will never forget the feeling, and anyone who has been so unfortunate to experience it can never forget the feeling. There I sat in a room full of people, some looking extremely happy others throwing nervous glances at the door every couple of minutes and some looked terrified jumping every time the doors opened. In a room full of people, yet I still felt so alone, struggling with the emotions terrorizing my brain, consuming my thoughts.
How could I be here? Everything had been so right. I had the partner of my dreams, a job that was difficult at times but rewarding all the same and the apartment of my dreams. Then at the peak of it all, my wife was pregnant, something I never dreamed would happen. Everything seemed so right, but nine months later reality came crashing in. As I sat in a corner, eyes unfocused, hands shaking, cold sweat showing on my brow, and lost in my own internal struggle I failed to notice the sweet older woman standing in front of me.
"Sorry. Did you say something?" I asked refocusing my eyes.
"You look like you could use some tea, something soothing to calm the nerves." She said holding up a generic foam hot cup. My first inclination was to say no being fearful of what she may have put in the cup. My second inclination was that I must look really bad for a total stranger to approach me holding hot liquid.
"Am I that obvious?" I said smiling.
"It's expected. Everyone from spouses to grandparents to aunts to uncles, they all get nervous waiting for news. Especially when it's their first." The women said gently. "The waiting is the easy part. Trust me I've done this eight times now and I'm here waiting for the ninth. Now you're far to young to be waiting on a grandchild so are you here for a friend? Brother or sister maybe?" I hesitated at this question as I always did when people breached this subject. The older generation was becoming more and more open to same sex marriage, even same sex couples rising adopted children but same sex couples having babies no matter the means, was still very taboo and widely unaccepted. Seeing this woman's sweet understanding inquisitive eyes made me feel peaceful, as if she would not judge weather she agreed or disagreed with my situation, so I went with the truth.
"No my partner is having our first baby." Showing the true class of the older generation the woman inhaled sharply at first but managed to play it off gracefully never dropping her kind smile.
"A true first timer then." She said energetically.
"Yes. It's all very over whelming." I answered relieved that she didn't run away cursing me to hell and damnation.
"Did I hear we have a first time mommy over here?" Three other people made their way to my corner carrying drinks and several containers of snack food. I was stunned. Was this the new parent welcome wagon? "Do you mind if we join? It's always nice to have fresh new faces in here." Another older woman, clearly a grandmother and two men pulled up near by chairs.
"Nancy and I are old hats at this. I'm waiting on grandbaby number eleven." The new woman said with a laugh. "With six of my own I guess it is expected."
"Ellen and I met in this room waiting on our first grandchildren to be born, we bonded over our nerves and found it helpful to share stories about our kids and how they made it here." The women named Nancy explained. "Same with Jack here. He was waiting on his first when we met. Couldn't sit still, hoped up on caffeine, going crazy, talking to himself. We sat him down got him to tell us about the pregnancy, how he felt when he first found out, how she told him and the craziness the hormones cause. Now he is cool as a cucumber."
"It's true. Ellen and Nancy got me through the wait and made it much easier the second time." The man named Jack confirmed.
"Why are you not with your wife?" I blurted out. Horrified at my bluntness and seeming lack of impulse control I tried to quickly smooth it over by adding. "If you don't mind me asking." The man laughed shamelessly.
"I know it is unconventional but I just don't do blood. With our first labor hadn't even progressed yet when my wife started bleeding, I thought I could handle it, but before I knew it I was on the ground woozy and vomiting. The doctors recommended I wait outside for my safety. We didn't even attempt it the second time and now this time. It's safer for me to stay out here." I wasn't sure if I should laugh or feel sorry for the guy, so I went with a bemused expression.
"So tell us why you're out here not back there." Ellen said conversationally. For the second time in a short period I hesitated. Its not that I was afraid to answer, thinking about the answer sent waves of emotion crashing through me, once again over powering my conscious thoughts. As soon as I asked Jack the question, I knew that I had opened the door for similar questions. Being a lawyer this was a common tactic used to get around attorney client privilege and draw out information. However for the second time I met the sweet, understanding and kind eyes of the woman I now know to be Nancy and it put me at ease once again.
"There was some complication. I was with her, she had only just started with labor after a fall at work, then something went wrong and she passed out. Alarms started going off; doctors and nurses came running in. They pushed me out of the way telling me they were both in distress and I may have to make a choice. Save to baby or save my partner. With in minutes they wheeled her out of the room and rushed her to surgery. I was told to wait in here." I looked up from my hands where I had been staring to see four saddened and pained faces. Not sure what to say and fighting off the tears screaming to escape my eyes I looked down at my hands again. Then something unexpected happened. I felt two small, strong hands pull me into a tight hug. So warm and right it felt calming and comforting. Nancy released me and I took a deep steadying breath.
"I've been in your shoes. There is nothing easy about it. My first kid almost killed my wife. I thought I was going to lose both of them." The second man said.
"What happened? You said almost." I asked. He had experienced something similar and if his wife made it through that would greatly increase Olivia's chances; at least that was my rational.
"My first born is now three, strong and healthy and my wife is due to have our second. This will be the last for sure and it's been rough but I am happy that I have my wife, a healthy child and another one on the way." This brightened my outlook significantly. If his wife could survive, so could Olivia. She is the strongest woman I have ever met and she wanted a baby so badly she would fight through anything to have one.
"So tell us what the pregnancy was like. Was your wife a monster, never happy and always demanding things?" Nancy asked excitedly.
"Or was she super sweet and understanding wanting to do everything and not wanting to put you out?" Ellen chimed in. I laughed at their eagerness.
"A combination of both." I said failing to suppress a giggle.
"Go on tell us. We need to kill time." Ellen pleaded. Both men seemed excited two, so I gave in.
"Ok. Well it started out rocky from the start and only got worse. Almost cost my wife her job."