It was December and New York City was stuck in a deep freeze. For several days the temperature had not crawled above thirty and the wind was unbearable. Conditions like these made me thankful for an inside job. I sat at my desk thumbing through case files my thoughts dwelling on my partner who was stuck out in the cold picking through yet another crime scene by the East River. Looking at the clock I noticed it was almost one. Knowing I was to unfocused to accomplish anything more I gathered my coat, keys and wallet and made for the exit.
Out in the parking garage the cold slapped my exposed face making the skin instantly raw. Luckily the wind could not be felt here or else I may have frozen where I stood. Reaching my car I opened the door and pulled myself into the drivers seat. Once the engine was running it took no time for the heated seat to warm releasing the tension on my already frozen muscles.
The drive to the sixteenth precinct was uneventful and easy. Being a life long city dweller I was very adept at navigating back ally's and side streets. Armed with hot coffee for the squad, tea for Olivia and soup for her as well, I made my way into the building from the parking garage. On the third floor I found the members of the Manhattan special victims unit removing their coats, hats, gloves, scarfs and all other accessories clearly having just returned from the crime scene.
"Well I guess you guys need this worse then I thought." I said holding up the four coffees. Like a pack of rabid dogs detectives Fin, Munch, and Lake charged forward each grabbing a cup sipping the hot liquid like it was the difference between life and death.
"Man! I wish you were still our DA Alex!" Fin stated. "The new one only brings us grief and headaches." I laughed as he took several long drags of coffee.
"I'm sorry to hear that Fin. I must say though it was a worthy sacrifice." Fin shrugged in agreeance. "Speaking of what was worth it, where is Olivia?" I asked looking around hoping to spot her.
"Laying down in the crib. She almost fainted at the crime scene. Said she didn't feel well, had been puking this morning." Lake answered.
"Yeah I heard her this morning. She told me it was bad sushi from last night." I said growing concerned. "Enjoy the coffee boys." I made my way towards the back of the squad room through a set of double doors, down a short hallway before pushing softly through a single door that read "CRIB" on its frosted class window.
She was easy to spot amongst the iron and steel that filled the room. Furthest from the door Olivia lay facing the wall, a thin wool blanket covering her lower half. I approached softly not wanting to startle her; she did carry a gun after all. Once I reached the bed a breath hitched in my chest as her beautiful, sun kissed face became visible. Her long, dark brown hair lay back over her shoulders, but a portion managed to sneak across her cheek. She was peaceful in sleep and beautiful as always.
"Well are you going to hold me? I am sick after all." Her voice was gravely and tired, but still deep and husky with just the right amount of femininity.
"I didn't want to disturb you. You are sick after all." I replied coolly. She rolled over to face me. Her cheeks were flushed and she looked exhausted.
"Smart ass. Do you think you're cute? Turning my words against me?" Olivia asked playfully.
"You think I'm cute, so yes." I answered.
"I'm two tired to argue with you consoler so you win, I concede." She said. I could tell she really wasn't well amplifying my worry.
"Honey you don't look good. Do you think you should see a doctor?" I asked placing a hand on her forehead. "You're not running a fever. Do you still think it's bad sushi?" I asked skeptically.
"Yeah I do. Give me another twelve hours and I will be good as new." I was unconvinced. Olivia brought herself into a sitting position, through her legs off the bed and stood up. She swayed slightly forcing me too reach out and grab her upper arms stabilizing her.
"Wo now. Easy." I said. She grabbed my arms for a moment then released them.
"I'm fine. Just need to be more careful about what I eat. Probably need to drink more water too." She said stubbornly. "See you at home." She leaned in, kissed my cheek, crossed the room and left. Far from convinced I followed her out of the room.
"Olivia!" I called. She was halfway down the hallway already but stopped when I called.
"Chinese food ok?" I asked. She turned to look at me over her shoulder with a smile ear to ear.
"A woman who knows how to please me." She said before continuing down the hallway.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Over the next few days' things didn't get better. Olivia was sick almost every morning and she started to have sudden and extreme mood swings. One minute she was happy and normal the next flying off the handle or bawling her eyes out. One such morning I found myself sitting on our bed being berated for leaving a towel of the bathroom floor.
"- All I do is slave away morning, noon and night keeping this place clean and livable so when you come home from work, after a hard day you don't have to do anything! Do I get any thanks? Do you ever offer to help? NO! All you think about is yourself Alexandria Cabot!" She through the towel at me then stormed out of the room. It had occurred to me what might be the cause of these mood swings, but it wasn't something I was ready to believe according to Olivia there was nothing wrong and she was perfectly ok.
I walked into the bathroom to hang the towel in its rightful spot behind the door. Afterword's I cautiously made my way into the kitchen. Olivia had made herself a bowl of oatmeal with some sliced strawberries and a muffin. She sat at our small table wearing her glasses and reading the newspaper. As I approached she looked up and smiled at me as if everything was just fine and normal.
"Feeling better?" I asked cautiously not wanting to incite another explosion.
"Yeah, I'm really sorry about that. I don't know what keeps coming over me. This feeling just builds in my brain until I have to unleash, even if it is over a towel on the floor." She explained. "But all is good now and I made you breakfast." I couldn't help but smile as I made my way to the table where there was indeed a second bowel of oatmeal with strawberries and a second cup of coffee.
"Some times you amaze me Olivia." I smirked. She tried to hide her embarrassment behind her newspaper but was unsuccessful as I was able to see the rosy red color invade her cheeks before she disappeared.
I had hoped that would be the end of her outbursts and mood swings thus proving my theory of what had caused them wrong. Unfortunately the swings continued. Later that day they interfered with her work for the first time. Around two o'clock I received a call from captain Creagen asking me to meet him. While we sipped our coffee and strolled through central park we discussed how SVU was doing since my departure, the news, sports, interesting cases they had been working, all the normal banter one uses when talking to someone for the first time in a while. Although I enjoyed catching up with Creagen I could not shake the feeling that he was avoiding talking to me about why we were really having coffee.
"How's Olivia been doing?" I asked. He stopped abruptly surprised by this question. I knew right away she was the subject he was avoiding.
"What's going on Don? You felt you had to bring me out here where no one from the squad will come across us so it must be big."
"Have you noticed any changes in Liv's behavior lately?" he finally asked.
"It's hard to miss. Just this morning she screamed at me over a towel on the floor then made me breakfast." I answered. "I keep asking her about it and she says she can't explain it."
"This morning we picked up a suspect in the club gang rapes and while she was interrogating him she started crying. Just bawling her eyes out in front of the man. I hoped it was some new interrogation tactic she was trying but Fin was caught off guard by it so I figured it couldn't be. She ran out of the room and didn't come back for a couple of hours." Creagen explained. "To top it off she's fallen asleep at her desk several times over the last few weeks and always seems rundown. I thought maybe she hadn't been sleeping, putting her on edge causing her to lose control." He added.
"What was her explanation?" I asked. "Could it have anything to do with the case?" Olivia was always good at controlling her emotions in front of suspects it was surprising to me that she had lost control.
"No. She's been determined to catch the gang, driven to find leads and compassionate towards the victims, but I haven't picked up on anything unusual." Creagen answered.
"Did she explain why it happened?"
"Not really. She apologized and said she had it under control." Creagen answered. Typical Liv handle everything on her own and don't let anyone help you.
"I will talk with her tonight." I said reassuringly.
"If I get anywhere I'll let you know."
"Thanks Alex." He replied gratefully. We walked to the entrance of the park together before going in separate directions.
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That night work had taken longer then it should have causing me to arrive home after Olivia. Opening the door already spewing apologies for being late I turned to find her stretched out sound asleep on the couch. An unusual site I couldn't help but stare at her beautiful peaceful form. After a moment I came to my scenes kicking the door closed and moving in to the kitchen with the Mexican take out. Once I relieved myself of the food I made my way to the bedroom to change from my work cloths into sweats. In the bathroom I noticed a new bottle of prescription pills on the counter. Reading the label I gasped, my theory from that morning was confirmed. My legs started to shake and I had to sit down. This wasn't happening. Everything was perfect in our relationship, I loved her, I cared for her, how could she? My head was spinning and I felt nauseas. I wanted to run out to the living room slap her across the face and demanded answers. The pills did explain her behavior, but that didn't matter to me. Why hadn't she told me? I needed to calm down, breathe and think rationally. No I needed answers. Regaining control over myself I stood up, exited the bathroom and entered the living room. Olivia was starting to wake up. I sat down in the chair adjacent to the couch.
"Hey! When did you get home?" she asked rubbing the sleep from her eyes.
"Only about ten minutes. Mexican food is in the kitchen." I answered coolly.
"Great. Did you already eat?" she asked sitting up.
"No I came home, changed in the bathroom, almost had a panic attack, and then sat down here." She immediately became more attentive at this statement.
"Everything ok? Something happen at work?"
"No. Nothing happened at work. Did you discover something you need to tell me about?" I asked fighting to stay calm and not start yelling.
"Alex I'm not sure-." Understanding dawned on her face before she could finish. "The bathroom?" she asked.
"Yes the bathroom. Imagine my surprise when I discovered a certain new pill bottle sitting on the counter."
"Alex I never meant for you to find out like this. It is not what you think." She said. Hearing this phrase made my blood boil, of course she knows what I am thinking! I mean it's not rocket science; there are only two ways it could have happened. She has a fifty/fifty chance of getting it right. The anger must have shown because she immediately launched into the explanation.
"Alex let me explain." She paused looking at me with large, sad puppy dog eyes waiting for permission to continue.
"Go on." I responded impatiently.
"When we separated a few months ago I made a choice. Alex you know I want children and I'm not getting any younger, so I met with a fertility doctor to discuss options and he suggested artificial insemination. So I had the procedure done. He said it would take two weeks for a definitive answer on whether or not the procedure was a success. I waited the two weeks, took a test, which came out negative. I just assumed the procedure didn't take and forgot about it. Then I started having symptoms. At first I didn't give it a second thought, but after a few days I had to think maybe I was wrong." I didn't immediately respond absorbing this information and enjoying the tidal wave of relief that she had not cheated on me with a man.
"Please Alex." She pleaded. "I want children and I want them with you. To experience the pregnancy, to raise them and guide them through life, then grow old surrounded by grandchildren. Don't you want that too?" It amazed me how attractive she was even when she pleaded with me, so desperate for my approval. I could not hide the smile as it stretched across my face. Pulling her in close I kissed her soft lips. She pulled back slightly staring into my eyes.
"Tell me what you are thinking. Please." She whispered. I pulled away sitting up straight looking very serious.
"I am not happy you hid this from me. As soon as we got back together you should have said something. Yes I want children with you and I know that, although adoption was always on the table, you wanted to have at least one biological child. So if this is how you want to do it then I am on board." Happiness was flooding through me, I would never admit to her just how happy I was at that moment.
"Yes! Alex we are going to be parents!" she squealed.
"Before you go crazy I have three questions." I said smiling ear to ear. Her shoulders dropped slightly with suspicion.
"How far along are you? Have you told anyone? And was the sperm donor good looking and smart? I mean the baby has your wonderful genes but the other half matters." She laughed hard at my last question.
"Yes he was very good looking and a law student." I raised my eyebrows at this thoroughly pleased. "I went to the doctor today he said I am twelve weeks and I haven't told anyone. Up till tonight I was in such deep denial, besides the squad would never understand." She answered slightly subdued.
"Liv you still need to tell them. Creagen thinks your dying of something serious." I told her. She started to giggle.
"Creagen thinks I'm dying? Way to assume the worst." She said. "I'd expect that from Munch or maybe Fin, but not Creagen. When did he talk to you?" I told her about the cup of coffee I had shared with Creagen, which led to a few good laughs and a considerably lighter mood.
"Are you ready for this?" She asked. Sitting there holding her hands seeing the ear to ear smile and the excitement on her face I felt nervous and unsure of what the future would hold. Nothing could have prepared me for the roller costar we had boarded.