Fifi, Stumpy, Harry, Arnold, Helga, and Arnie all moved over to a set of pigpens containing two equally enormous, equally ugly old hogs. Fifi patted one of them on the flat of its nose. "Meet Mudslide and Soybean. Pick your mount, boys!" Arnold regarded the hog nearest to him. It had a bit of a black spot on it scraggly gray coat. But its nose and chin were as pink as if it had been balding.
"What's the nose ring, for?" asked Arnold, observing a ring of shiny metal dangling from both of the animal's noses.
"To control them, of course," said Fifi. "The nose is sensitive. Just grab the nose ring and the pig will follow you anywhere! Like the mouthbit in a horse's mouth. Not that it will help you any in the race! Just get on and try not to fall off. For as long as is humanly possible," the girl ended, narrowing her eyes.
"Oh. Alright," said Arnold. Arnold made a mental note never to get a piercing. Helga would never be able to resist twisting it the wrong way. Then, Arnold pointed to the pig with a spot on its back.
"That one's Soybean," Fifi explained. "Now hop on and we'll get this race started!"
Arnold climbed up the wooden rail of the pen. He watched his cousin boldly slide off the fence to plop down onto the pig's broad back. To stay on the startled, squealing pig, Arnie wrapped both arms around its neck. Trying to ignore the smell, Arnold did the same. The pig was none too pleased. It snorted angrily.
"Nice piggy, good piggy," Arnold mumbled, hoping in vain to make peace with the animal.
"Ready, set, go!" Arnold could hear Fifi. Fifi and Stumpie unlatched the two pig pens. Soybean broke out into a run with a savage jolt. It ran squealing out into the farm road.
"Squee! Squeee!" the pig belted out as it barreled down the lane. Within a few footfalls, Arnie rode Mudslide- so named because this pig was brown. The two hogs glared at one another as they rounded a fence corner. Cross at each other and the world, the angry hogs rammed into one another's shoulders. It almost shook Arnold off! But then both pigs came to a gulch and the pigs leapt down and across it. Arnold and Arnie both came up from the muddy gulch to glare at one another before Soybean the pig kicked up his heels and managed to throw Arnold off. The boy stood up in muddy defeat.
"Ow," said Arnold, satisfied at least that he had tried. But Arnie held tight to Mudslide for so long, the pig stopped running and stood still, snuffling its nose instead.
"King of the pigs!" Arnie said in his standard monotone. He snorted and Arnold grimaced, mud dripping off his hands and the tips of his hair. He looked off into the distance at Soybean, who had hidden himself behind a log on the landscape and was rooting happily.
"So how are we going to get him back?" Arnold asked Fifi when she was done putting Mudslide away. Fifi put a hand on her hip and rolled her mascaraed eyes.
"Oh, Arnold! You're such a worrywart! If it really bothers you that badly, we'll catch him!" announced Fifi. She disappeared inside the barn for a few minutes then returned with a long leash in her hand. At the end of the leash was a pretty pink pig with a crinkly yellow bow around its neck. Soybean looked out from behind the log and began to run towards the lady pig. With a saucy smile on both the pig and the girl, Fifi walked her charge back into the barn. Soybean barreled through the barn door and Fifi strutted out. She closed the barn door behind her with a snap.
"So what now?" Arnold asked Fifi as she walked up between him and Arnie with a broad smile. Fifi put a finger up to her chin in thought.
"Oh, I expect there'll be piglets!" she announced. Arnold blushed.
"No, not that!" he said shaking his head as Helga walked up behind him, silent but intent in her study of all the people talking.
"The next race," said Arnie, snorting.
"How about we use horses this time?" said Arnie pointing to Stumpy's horse. Arnie kept his arms folded.
"Deal," he sniffed.
Stumpy's ranch had a lot of horses instead of pigs. Mostly they wandered in pasture but there were a few in a barn beside a dusty exercise track. Arnold waited on the oval track while Stumpy returned with a second horse.
"Here," he said handing reins to Arnold. "You ride ol' Harbinger! Make it a dang good race!" the boy declared, almost indistinguishable from Stinky Peterson. Arnold looked up at the horse and patted it, trying to make friends. He admired its rippling black coat.
Arnie climbed on board Stumpy's favorite horse, Golden Beauty, then paused. Arnold tensed beside him, waiting for a starting signal to the race. Harry whistled and waved a bandana and they were off! Arnold lay low on Harbinger's neck, whispering encouragements and his hopes. He just had to beat Arnie this time!
Nimble hooves pounded down the turf. Harbinger was neck and neck with Golden Beauty. Then Arnold twisted in the saddle and brought the reins to the side. He angled Harbinger just in front of Golden Beauty so that the light colored horse was blocked unless he passed wide. Harbinger's tail whipped the ends of Golden Beauty's nose.
Helga, Fifi, Stumpy, and Harry cheered as Arnold won the horse race. They waited in patience while he and Arnie slowed their mounts and returned to the finish line.
"Wow, Arnold, there could be a bit of farmboy in you, yet!" approved Stumpy. Arnold took off his helmet.
"Thanks," the golden-haired boy said, a small smile of content curving the corner of his face. He looked down at Helga to see what she thought of his victory.
"Wow, that was incredible!" Helga praised with honest fervor. Arnold's smile grew broad. Then he glanced back towards Arnie. His eyes narrowed and the two wordlessly reestablished their challenge.
"So? What's the next contest?" Arnold asked, his eyes still locked with Arnie's.
The afternoon was long and filled with yet more challenges! First there was fishing. They all went down to their favorite swimming hole and went after the 'legendary carp of doom'. Arnold thought he had the contest all wrapped up when he hooked the monster! But then, as he held it up for Fifi to view, Arnie's line shook. The surface of the water exploded and Arnie reeled in a fish even larger than the one he had caught!
"What's that?!" Harry gawked.
"I reckon that's the Missus," Stumpy replied. Arnold frowned as Arnie paddled by in a rowboat holding up the carp.
"My fish is bigger than yours," Arnie declared in victory. Arnold grimaced.
But the next contest was swimming and as sure of himself as Arnie was to win, Arnold was no mere beginner to a pool. He dug his arms into the water and pulled himself along in rapid strokes until he had crossed the river, then back across it to win. Arnold shook his fists above his head in victory as the water dripped from his mop of hair.
"Yeah!" Arnold cheered.
"Well," said Fifi when Arnold's hair had sproing back into an upright position. "That's two wins for you and and two wins for Arnie! The sun is going down soon so there's time for one more contest."
"Baseball!" Arnold declared, leaning forward on one foot as he glared his challenge at Arnie. Arnie's only response was to keep chewing his gum. But Helga rolled her eyes.
"There's not enough players for a game of baseball, genius!"
"Hm, how about basketball?" said Stumpy surprising Arnold and Helga with the intelligent suggestion. "That is precisely what the game was invented for! A minimum of players started with an 'ol peach basket!"
"Well," said Arnold rolling his eyes back in thought. "Then I pick Harry for my team!"
"I get Stumpy," said Arnie with a loud sniff.
"And I'll play for the Football-Head!" said Helga laying a hand on Arnold's shoulder as she jerked a thumb towards her proud self.
"You can't do that!" provoked Fifi. "You're the prize!"
"Hey, Miss Sunshine, I can do anything I want to!" said Helga. "Basketball is my game! Besides, somebody's got to be on Arnold's court! 'You'all' are all friends!"
"True," said Fifi. "Alright. You'll play for Arnold."
"Great," said Helga. She shook Fifi's hand in agreement.
It was true. Basketball was Helga's game. Although Arnold had seldom seen her play it, Helga had been part of the junior girl's basketball league at the YMAA just as Arnold tried to be part of the boy's. She was extremely good at dribbling, he knew.
"Just you wait!" said Helga to Arnold as they stood on the court waiting for the game to start. "I'll probably go to college on a basketball scholarship someday! Then I'll get so famous they'll make kid's toys for burger meals with my likeness on them!"
"Sure thing, Helga," said Arnold right before the ball was shuffled into play.
The game was on. And a whole lot was on the line. Arnie played for Helga's kiss. But Helga, well she played for Arnold and for herself! She ripped into the court like a Valkyrie, shuffling side to side, lifting up into the air with her long legs and scoring hoop after hoop. She shuffled the ball between herself and Arnold successfully and the boy dropped the shot in with perfect precision.
"Wow," said Fifi panting. "You're pretty good!"
"Yeah. Well, Helga and I are used to playing on the same team," said Arnold spinning the basketball on his finger for show before passing it. Helga scored again.
But Harry was not helpful when they did pass the ball to him once. He dropped it, and soon the game shifted in favor to Arnie, Stumpy, and Fifi. They were not shabby basketball players themselves. Stumpy's height gave him an advantage and he missed no shots. Finally, as the sun began to fade behind the flat earth in a dull red, the game was tied.
"Sundown," said Fifi with all the menace of a vampiress. "One last score and the contest is decided, Arnold!" Arnold paled. But he narrowed his eyes, determined.
When the ball was passed, Arnold leapt forcefully for it. He batted it out of Stumpy's hands and almost tripped as all of the locals fought to regain it. Nearly, encircled, Arnold jogged a few steps then passed the ball to Helga as he was completely surrounded. Arnie stared at Helga as she paused. She stared back, her face awash with a touch of guilt at his sadness. But then her face washed with determination and her eyes rolled down with her eyebrow- stern, powerful! Dribbling gracefully, Helga wove down the court and bounded up to the rim to score the shot. Then, panting, she jogged back to Arnold.
"Whew!" she said flicking the sweaty bangs from her eyes with one finger. "That was some game, huh Arnoldo?" She offered her hands in a downwards congratulatory slap and Arnold met hers. The loud thump echoed across the courtyard.
"Yeah!" Helga continued on. "That's to show you who knows how to play basketball! Me!" said Helga gesturing towards herself again as she grinned a wicked smile. Fifi interrupted Helga's self congratulations.
"Helga. That means that as promised, you've got to kiss Arnold!" Helga's joy turned in a nervous chuckle.
"Me? Kiss Arnold?" Helga muttered, tugging on her shirt collar. "Don't be silly! Well if I've really gotta, I could… I could….."
Helga turned. She could not force her feelings aside anymore. Kiss Arnold! She trembled and her brow lifted up in exquisite anguish as she fought for control of herself. There were so many people watching! In only a few moments, she would have to turn and kiss Arnold without taking it too far. Helga's heart pounded so much, so could tear the shirt off the boy! She shivered, mumbling out under her breath a few more incoherent ramblings.
"Wait!" said Arnold, suddenly tense himself. He lifted up his watch and set the timer for one minute.
"What are you doing?" asked Fifi, curious.
"Just setting some boundaries!" said Arnold. "You can kiss me Helga, but for only one minute. Okay?" the boy said, his eyes a bit fearful as Helga whirled around and prowled near. Helga thrust her nose up against his.
"One minute," she purred before mashing her lips to his with a loud, "mmm!" The timer on Arnold's watch went off, and she struggled to rip herself away from Arnold, panting. Arnold had surprised Helga by reaching back with own arms, and as Helga broke her embrace, so did he.
"Right," Arnold said, his arms folded behind his back. "That's good. We don't want to let this get out of control."
"Like that night," said Helga lifting up a hand to her lips to touch them. "The moonlight! The sound of sirens wailing!" Longing hot in her breath, Helga shuffled a step forward and Arnold darted away to hide behind his cousin and his friends. They all stared wide-eyed and a bit confused as Arnold peered round them. Arnold smiled nervously at Helga.
"I thought we agreed that never happened!" he smirked. Helga snapped.
"That does it!" said Helga knotting up her hand into a fist and shaking it at Arnold. "I'm going to beat ya so bad your grandchildren will feel the pain!" But as furious as Helga was, she didn't chase after Arnold when he ran away in terror. So Helga folded her arms instead as Fifi approached.
"Stupid Football-Head!" was Helga's only explanation of her behavior as the country girl regarded her curiously.
"Well, that didn't turn out like I thought it would," said Fifi. "You could have lost on purpose, you know."
"Nah," said Helga reaching up to check on her bow. She tugged its twin loops to snug the knot. "I couldn't do that."
"So," said Fifi as the conversation lagged. "What do you want to do now?"
"What do you mean?" asked Helga, smiling down at this Phoebe look-alike. "The contest's over!"
"But the night is still young!" returned Fifi. "Do you want to go see a movie?"
"A movie, huh?" asked Helga. "Do you even have a movie theatre out here?"
"No," said Fifi. "We'd have to drive into the city. But we do have a really large television over at my place. Do you like horror films?"
"Horror films?" asked Helga, her brow furrowing before it lifted with delight. She grinned. "I love horror films!"
"Great!" said Fifi smiling up at Helga and grasping her hands to tug her along. "Come on!" she declared to all the others present. "And Stumpy! Get Arnold out of that tree!"
"Yes, darlin'!" Stumpy said before going to shake Arnold down from his hiding place.