Ch 3- Close Your Eyes
"That's enough sweetheart." Mrs. Patmore laughed.
Elspeth stood on a chair so she could be high enough to reach the counter where Beryl and Daisy were working, preparing that afternoon's luncheon. The little girl snacked, sampling the all the food they were in the midst of preparing. Beryl thought it was getting a little out of hand.
"She must be growing." Daisy observed.
"Well of course, she's the birthday girl, aren't you my sweet?"
Beryl was emotional about the occasion of the little girl's fifth birthday. It would mark five years since their worlds changed forever in the best and the worst of ways. This child she'd had the privilege of helping to raise brought the greatest joy to her heart, but she missed her friend and felt guilty everyday, knowing that Elsie should've been the one to care for this girl and to take joy in her. She, after all, had wanted her so much.
It confused the cook that her friend, the child's biological mother, had taken on all the pain of motherhood and yet somehow she was the one reaping the rewards for it. Elsie had treasured the child, planned for her, and couldn't wait to meet her. She'd been excited even during the worst of the birth pains and then suddenly, in what seemed like a moment, everything fell apart.
Beryl had known something was very wrong, back when it happened and she still felt guilty that she hadn't been able to save her. She'd done what she could, frantically trying to get Dr. Clarkson to listen to her concerns but it had been all for not. Clarkson later told her that even if he'd known or agreed with her at the time, there would've been nothing he could've done to save the new mother. Beryl shook her head, trying to get the thoughts out of her mind. They haunted her everyday.
"You really fancy the carrots, just like your Mum when she was having you. She couldn't get enough of them." Beryl told her, laughing at the memory. At the time, she'd thought it was an odd thing to crave.
"I thought Mummy liked chocolate heart candies when I was in her tummy."
Beryl and Daisy looked up suddenly, stopping their work when she said this.
"Love who told ya that?" Beryl asked. Carson never spoke of Elsie's pregnancy so she knew it was not him who'd said it.
"Mummy did." She said quietly, wondering why they clearly thought the remark was so strange.
This kind of thing happened quite often and Beryl did not know what to make of it.
"L-love I think its time for your tea with her ladyship. Can you be a big girl and scramble upstairs by yourself?" She asked, lifting the girl off the chair and putting her, boots first, on the ground.
"Yes I can! I love you auntie." She kissed her cheek.
"I love you too, go on, go upstairs!"
Daisy spoke once she was sure that the little girl was out of earshot.
"How does she know these things about Mrs. Hughes? It creeps me out."
No one had ever told the girl that her father had doted on her mother while she was pregnant. He made sure she rested, he rubbed her feet, waited on her, coddled her and every few days brought her a package of heart-shaped chocolate candies from a bakery in the village. Becoming a father had turned the harsh butler into someone very warm and loving, and while Elsie had always seen that side of him, it was almost unsettling for the staff. After Mrs. Hughes' death though, he'd reverted to being the stern figure he always had been: worse even. Even Elspeth had never seen that very loving side of her father.
Mrs. Patmore didn't say anything for a moment as Daisy continued chopping vegetables. For a long time she thought the child was crazy, or perhaps just desperate to have some sort of contact with the mother she'd never known. And now she understood, after Elspeth had demonstrated knowledge of so many things she could not know, that perhaps she just knew or that maybe…
"Perhaps…" Beryl stopped herself. She didn't want Daisy to think she was crazy.
"Perhaps what?" Daisy questioned.
Both of them knew Carson wouldn't have mentioned such things to Elspeth. He didn't discuss Elsie's pregnancy and most of the time, unless the child was pressing him, he refused to even discuss Elsie. Beryl wouldn't dare to bring up Elspeth's knowledge to him but she was beginning to understand that she would have to soon.
"Perhaps her mother looks after her." Beryl sighed.
"Ya-ya mean from beyond the grave?" Daisy cringed.
"Daisy my love, stranger things have happened. Elsie loved that girl so much."
Mrs. Patmore knew more than she could say. Elspeth had been a surprise, but nonetheless a wanted child, despite the fact that her parents had never married. It had been a confidence Elsie shared once she first got the news she was pregnant. To this day, even Carson didn't realize how much Beryl knew about the intimate life he'd had with Elsie, the one that had been kept a secret for years and had been shared only when Mrs. Hughes could no longer conceal the baby under her corset.
"M-maybe you should discuss it with Mr. Carson." Daisy pushed and Beryl jumped.
"Do you have any clue how difficult it is to parent with him? I don't know how Elsie would've done it!"
There would've been quite a bit of fighting, and then quite a bit of conceding because he loved her. That's how it would've happened. But his parenting relationship with Beryl was far more contentious than all that.
"You can't be serious." Beryl laughed, putting down the knife she'd been using. Daisy stared back at the cook, understanding now that she was trying to hide how upset she was. "Excuse me love." Beryl laughed, drying her tears with her apron before leaving the room. Daisy stopped, listening as Beryl made her way down the hall and continued to cry.
"Oh Mrs. Hughes where are ya?" Daisy whispered.
Beryl silenced her tears, making her way into Elsie's empty sitting room and shutting the door. She sat down and buried her face in her hands. She knew she'd have to breach this uncomfortable subject with Mr. Carson just as she had countless others: his choice in second godmother (which, she thought would make Elsie roll over in her grave), Elspeth's sleeping schedule, her teething, walking, more recently school…and most importantly, the matter of Elsie Hughes.
"You haunt these walls that I know…" She bit her lip. Beryl knew. She'd seen her once or twice. "Because you're not at rest. How could you be? On your dying breath you asked me to take care of her. She is the image of you and the…" Beryl searched for a word. "The whole of you. You'd be so proud, but please … tell me how Elsie, how do I take care of her and more over, how do I handle Mr. Carson?"
…..
"Hello Elspeth my dear." Cora greeted as the girl stepped shyly into the room.
Elspeth was hesitant at first, but Cora held out her arms for the child who forgot all propriety and ran into them. Cora kissed her cheek twice. She spent an hour a day with Elspeth, just as she would've her own child. From the beginning, the point had been to be yet another maternal influence in the girl's life and to give Mrs. Patmore a break from her. More recently, the almost five year old had filled a hole left in Cora's heart, made when Sybil had left suddenly to marry Branson. Since then, she and the small child had grown close.
"Hiii." Elspeth squealed.
"Hello my darling, how are you?"
"Good. I have a question!"
"Oh!" Cora smiled. "Well I'd be happy to try and answer sweet…"
Cora and Elspeth looked up suddenly when they heard someone clear their throat. Mary stood in the doorway, wearing her riding habit. The little girl looked back at her godmother with doe eyes. She had understood from a young age, that Mary was supposed to be special to her, that Daddy had decided that. But she'd never grown close to her. In fact, something inside her flat out didn't like Lady Mary. Of course she tried hard to keep that a secret. Only Mrs. Patmore knew her feelings on the subject. The idea made the cook laugh; it was yet another Elsie-ism that shined through naturally without the girl even knowing it.
"Hello Elspeth, mama." Mary greeted.
"Oh Mary won't you join us for tea?" Cora smiled.
"No, no, not today. Elspeth?"
"Hhhhm." She looked up. Cora could sense she was apprehensive but didn't mention it, she just held the girl tighter.
"I'd like for you to come riding with me next week."
"Oh Elspeth doesn't that sound like fun?" Cora asked.
"Y-yes." She hesitated.
She'd never been much interested in horses, although she'd ridden a pony a few times, and moreover, she was kind of afraid of Lady Mary. She didn't understand why her father liked her so. Elspeth felt her tummy turn over and her heart begin to pound. She instinctively cuddled further into Cora's arms and began chewing on her thumb.
"Good then, I have to be off, but I'll see you both later."
Elspeth paused, looking back nervously at Mary as she left the room. Cora understood she was nervous and for a moment thought of telling her that her father really wanted her to get along with Mary. But instead of addressing it she turned the girl around in her lap and smiled.
"So, you were going to ask me something?"
"Yeah." She nodded, starting to get nervous now.
Elspeth loved Cora and was less afraid to ask her questions than anyone else. She knew her questions sometimes flustered Daisy, they hurt Auntie Beryl and they made Daddy angry, but Cora, Cora simply answered in the kindest way possible.
"Don't be nervous my darling." She whispered, resting her forehead against the child's. "You can ask me anything in the whole world."
Elspeth stopped, studying Cora's eyes carefully. She knew the answer to her question, in some sense, and she'd almost asked Daddy and Auntie Beryl so many, many times but she couldn't bare to do it.
"Do I…do I look like my Mummy?" She asked. "Thomas says I do but Daddy wont tell me."
Cora smiled bittersweetly, pausing before she spoke. "Oh yes, very much."
"How?"
She'd never seen a photo of her mother and was too young to look at herself in the mirror and try to figure it out.
"Well. You have her hair, and her smile." Elspeth couldn't help but smile when she said this. "And most of all, I can see her, just like she were right here with me, when I look in your eyes."
"Can I tell you a secret?" She whispered.
"Of course my darling."
"When I close my eyes real tight. Sometimes, I think I can see her."
….
Later in the evening everyone was busy serving dinner and Elspeth was free to wander the downstairs halls by herself. Several people were supposed to be watching her including Beryl, Thomas, Daisy and O'Brien, but they all thought someone else was in the midst of doing it. Elspeth made her way into her father's office undetected. She'd really wanted the chance to venture into her mother's now abandoned sitting room but was too afraid, having been warned by her father that the room was off limits for her.
She was used to her father's pantry. He kept a reading corner for her there, not that she could read yet. It was a small corner where he'd put a cushion she could nap on and she had a big basket full of toys. When she was in the room she was either there or on her father's knee and other than that had never had much of a chance to explore the place. She was tired and hungry but her curiosity got the better of her. She yawned as she approached his desk, climbing up into the chair. She looked around, making sure that she was alone before she opened one of the drawers. She saw nothing there of note save some paper clips and pencils and the like. She shoved it closed, moving on quickly to another drawer, this time she found a huge pile of paper, with one single frame on top, turned upside down. The child took the fame in her tiny hands and turned it over carefully, knowing how much trouble she'd be in for breaking it let alone finding it. Elspeth looked down at the photograph, her eyes widening with a hint of a sparkle when she met the gaze of a face she knew all too well.
"Elspeth!" She heard her father call from down the hall.
Elspeth quickly put the photo away and jumped out of the chair, dashing over to her own little corner when she heard her father coming.
"Oh." He smiled kindly. "There you are. Come along my treasure." He paused, lifting her into his arms. "It's time we go home."
…
"Good night my most precious little girl." Carson whispered.
It was late now. They'd come home many hours earlier than usual. He and Elspeth were able to have their own private dinner together, after which, Carson played a game with his daughter, read to her and finally tucked her into bed. The child kept her many questions for her father to herself that evening, not wanting to make him upset again.
Now that she was almost asleep, he sat there in the dark for a moment, running his fingers through her hair. It was the same as her mother's and every stroke of it brought him back to Elsie in a way that was almost painful. He looked down at the child and for a moment saw nothing but his love instead. He flinched, closing his eyes and looking away. He shook his head and wiped his falling tears, having not been greeted with darkness when he closed his eyes, but with the face of his love.
"Must you haunt me so?" He asked out loud, causing Elspeth to stir.
"Daddy." She pouted, mumbling under her breath.
"It's nothing sweetheart, Daddy was just saying good night." He leaned down and kissed her cheek again.
Half asleep, the child took his fingers in her hand and squeezed them, pulling his hand to her heart and holding it there, pressing it against her chest as she drifted off. He smiled deeply, feeling the beat of the child's heart against his hand. It was a precious little rhythm that started inside his love and lived on now because she gave it life. That was one of the reasons he loved Elspeth so much, because Elsie had given her life and in a way, he felt like she lived on in the child.
Carson sat there for a moment before pulling himself away from his daughter and tucking her in once more. He left the door ajar and retreated downstairs to spend the evening alone. He longed for the company of his beloved and deeply regretted all the time they'd missed together. They'd had to sneak around when they were a couple and aside from evenings in his pantry or her sitting room (or secretly in one of their beds) they'd had no real alone time together. He regretted that now and wished he would've married her expediently and whatever the cost.
Truthfully he hated himself for not doing so and didn't think he'd ever get over it. Perhaps then, things would have been different. He'd kept all of Elsie's belongings, even her corset. Her things were scattered everywhere, just as if she lived there, now with him and their child. Her clothes were mixed in with his, her books on their shelves, all her personal effects scattered where they might be if she were actually there.
Elspeth had never known her mother, but Carson wanted her to have some sense of who she was and what the home she would've made for them would've been like. In a way, the whole thing was painful for him. Having her things around sometimes felt like such a farce. It was, in the worst of ways a stark reminder that she wasn't really there, but he knew it was best for the child he loved so much, and he would admit to you that it was best for him: it was the only way he had to keep her close. And worse one of his few comforts.
He wished he could convey the finer things about his love to their daughter, things no photograph could convey; like the sweetness of her smile, the sound of her voice, the kindness she had for people, her curiosity, the mere way she would've loved them both… but ultimately, Carson understood that his daughter carried those attributes of her mother within her, that they had been passed down while she was still forming in the womb and for that he was grateful. He couldn't tell you how much he dreaded, and yet longed to watch her grow into those things, most especially her mother's smile.
Carson went to get a book off the shelf, deciding to spend the rest of the evening reading quietly. It was a book he hadn't read in forever and was surprised when a tiny note slipped out of the shelf along with it. He laughed bittersweetly, at once realizing who had written it. He picked it up and held it in his hand for a moment, wondering if he should read it now or save it for at time when he missed her so much he couldn't bare it. He elected to savor the moment and sat down in his chair by the fire, with his love's note.
…
Upstairs Elspeth drifted in and out of sleep. She was tired but drawn to the rhythmic humming that kept creeping into her conscious like a gentle whisper. It was a familiar song, her mind couldn't place it, but deep inside she knew both the melody and the voice that sang it by heart, as though they'd both always been a part of her, as if they'd accompanied her as she'd been knit together and come to life.
"Hmmm."
"Shu lass." She heard a gentle voice whisper. Elspeth smiled in her sleep, sighing in complete peace when she felt her cheek be enveloped in a warm, loving caress.
"Mama." She mumbled.
"Good night my precious lass, my Charlotte… did you know that's your name?" This had been the name she'd given the child before she passed on. "I'm glad to know you haven't forgotten me and that you've found a way to love me, as I love you always."