Ch 4- Until We Meet Again

November 4th, 1914

"Your daughter, Mrs. Hughes." Dr. Clarkson spoke as the baby began to cry.

Elsie lay back in Carson's arms and reached eagerly for her newborn. He handed her over, wrapped loosely in one of the blankets she'd knitted in preparation for the baby.

Elsie started to cry when she looked down at her newborn daughter, all the pain of the last few hours and the problems of the past few months seeming to wither away at the sight of her. Even with Clarkson and Beryl watching, Elsie leaned back and Carson leaned forward. She brushed her lips against his almost forcefully. He sensed a hint of need, forgiveness (for all that had happened between them those nine months) and also love in her kiss that he'd remember for the rest of his days and replied in kind, kissing her deeply.

Elsie was crying when they pulled apart and she returned her attention to her newborn, overwhelmed by her presence. Beryl watched anxiously, sensing something with Elsie was off, but everyone else was focused on the baby and the fact that the hard labor was finally over and seemed to have born the best of fruits.

"She's beautiful." Carson whispered. "She looks just like you."

Elsie laughed through her tears and kissed the baby on the top of her head, nuzzling her and holding her close. "Hello my Charlotte." She whispered, her tears falling on the infant's face. "Hello my treasure. Mummy loves you and has been waiting for you."

…

November 2nd, 1919

Carson felt numb. He sat back in his chair by the fire, a drink in his hand as he watched the rain and ran his fingers over his lips. It pained him to think of that kiss. He savored it, fantasized about it, and could still feel the fullness of it on his lips and the tip of his tongue. It'd been the last kiss he'd ever had with his Elsie or anyone else, and the more Elspeth grew, the more he realized how much time had passed and how much further away he was getting from his Elsie. He hated that thought more than any other in the world and on her birthday it all always came flooding back to him. Even having lived without her for so long, his child's entire lifetime, having to realize all over again that she was gone was simply petrifying for him. He didn't wish to face it, and every once in a while he allowed himself time off from the burden of it's truth by telling himself that his Elsie was just fine…and down the hall.

"Daddy?" Came a small voice.

"What?!" He jumped. "Oh. Elspeth I'm sorry you scared your Da a little." He chuckled.

"What were you doing?" She asked. He smiled sadly, seeing his love's sense of curiosity sparkle in her little girl's eyes.

Carson paused, giving his daughter a half-hearted smile. Elspeth stopped momentarily, prepared to back away, thinking she'd upset him again. Instead, he picked her up and put her on his lap.

"Daddy was just thinking." He told her. "Sometimes Daddies do that."

She sighed, placing her head on his chest and closing her eyes.

"Are you tired?"

"Uh-uh." She shook her head no and sighed contently, listening to her father's heart beat gently. She didn't know what it was about the sound, but from the time she was very small she sensed it as the greatest of comforts.

Sometimes, even holding his little girl bought back painful memories for him, but he tried to remind himself that she was, as Elsie had first said, his treasure and that without her he would've died of a broken heart by now. She was his reason for living and if anything ever happened to his baby Elspeth he thought he'd simply cease to be.

"Daddy, can we read?" She asked.

"Certainly my girl." He smiled.

Carson took out a book and began to read to his daughter as the rain continued to pound the cottage. She sighed, closing her eyes as she listened to him read. He felt love swell in his heart and calm wash over him as he read her the story, her little giggles reminding him that not everything was gloom and doom, that the pain he often felt was worth it for the love of his daughter.

"What now?" She asked when they finished the story.

He said nothing and lifted her off his lap and high in the air, kissing her forehead softly as he did so. She giggled loudly, unable to help but smile. He'd done it just for that purpose, to see her smile. To see her mother's smile.

"Daddy?" She asked, settling back in his lap as he retrieved another book from the side table.

"Humm?" He asked, opening up to the first page. He braced himself, knowing her tone. It was a Mum question, this time he thought he was more prepared than usual and he was wrong.

"Daddy did Mummy see me?"

"Yes." He sighed, tucking her hair behind her ear. "First thing after you were born." He paused, thinking he was going to choke. A single tear slid down his cheek, but Elspeth didn't notice. "She-she couldn't wait."

Elspeth's heart quickened, excited that her mother hadn't been able to wait for her.

"You saw me be borned?" She hic-upped, surprised by this new information. She had thought men didn't attend baby's births, although she knew next to nothing about that.

"Yes." He laughed. "I couldn't wait either."

Elspeth was satisfied with this answer. She squealed, hugging her father tightly. "Daddy I lobe you." She yawned.

"I love you too. Come on now; it's time for our dinner my Elspeth."

…

November 5th, 1914

"Waaaaa-aaaaaahhhhh-aaaahhh-waaaaa!"

Numb. The baby's tears thundered loudly in his ears, parading on violently, echoing down the hall, filling the house. A few hours ago, it had been the sound of utmost joy and now it was nothing but a stark reminder of the fear that shook him straight to his core, probing his innermost being. The sound pierced the numbing silence of the house, failing to call any of its inhabitants out of their state of shock.

"Waaaaaaaaaaaaaa-aaaaaaaaahhhhh!"

The newborn wailed, demanding to be noticed. The truth was, everyone had forgotten all about her after it happened, leaving her all unattended next to her mother's lifeless frame.

"Waaaaaaaaaaaa-aaaaaaaaaahhh!"

Everyone was gathered; teary eyed in the kitchen, the doctor making arrangements. The family had come downstairs and gathered around their beloved butler. Lord Grantham took the much larger man in his arms and tried to steady him as he wept, Cora did the same with Mrs. Patmore and Mary found herself consoling Anna.

"Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!"

It was the fourth, fifth or maybe even ninth set of loud screams to come from the child. She cried so loudly, emitting so much energy that it was beginning to exhaust her little frame, her heart quickening as she began to gasp.

Everyone paused, finally hearing the child's cries and stopped for a moment in collective saddened silence, having realized the cruel fact that they'd forgotten her.

"I'll get her." Mrs. Patmore announced, drying her tears on her sleeve, pretending as if they weren't still coming.

"No." Carson said, pulling himself away from his employer.

"Carson." Lord Grantham protested. "Let someone else…"

"No." He backed away, shaking as he made his way toward the door. "She-she needs her father now…"

Mrs. Patmore tried to follow after him but Cora grabbed her hand kindly, holding her back.

The hall was dark and Carson could never remember feeling more alone or more empty than he did in those moments, as he neared the room and the sound of the baby's crying became louder and louder. He paused in the doorway, his heart quickening at the sight. It was not the sight he'd longed for, nor one he'd ever imagined. Shakily, he made his way to the bed where his love and his child lay. The baby shrilled, gasping now as he leaned down and lifted her into his arms. He felt shaky, cold and afraid, but at once the newborn felt steady in his arms and her tears slowed to a gentle stop.

"Shhuuu." He whispered, tears flowing from his eyes as he cradled the child closely, part of him imagining he was cradling her mother.

He sat down in the chair where he'd been for several of the happiest hours of his life and then the worst; where he'd held his love and watched her bear their child… and then... He cradled the child close, forcing himself to look down into the face of his love, his heart thundering in his ears drowning out the sound and the sense of everything but the enormity of what faced him.

"We'll be…we'll be alright." He managed for a moment, turning away from her. He stopped, looking back, realizing these were his last moments with his precious love. It was in that instant that he finally began to blubber.

"Oh my Elsie, my precious Elspeth Hughes." He knelt on the bed next to her, taking her lifeless face in his hand, caressing her still soft skin. "Please, please be a dream. Be with me let this be a dream" He whispered, pausing, trying, to wake himself to no avail. "Elsie. I wish you'd known what you met to me. I don't know how we could be alright without you… I love you, I love you more than anyone or anything in the world." He cried. "I'm a dishonorable man. One who didn't get the chance to do right by you, and believe me I wanted nothing more!

"I will honor you Elsie, I promise I will honor you with her life, the life you worked so hard to bring into this world, and with mine too. I love you beyond depth, beyond measure. I will go on for you and protect our treasure all my days Elsie." He stopped, his lip quivering at the thought of what he was about to say. "She will be, just as you wished her to be. Perfect, beautiful and free. And I'll love her enough for the both of us, and make sure she carries you in her heart all her life…"

Carson leaned down and kissed her lips forehead softly, resting it there for a moment, nuzzling her unable to help doing so. "Until we meet again my love."