Ch 5- She Stole My Heart Away, Part I

November 2nd, 1919

"Good night my Elspeth. You've had a long day." He whispered as he tucked her into bed. "You've played some good games and heard some lovely stories and I hope, had a good time with your Da."

He smiled, listening to the rain pour outside as he tucked his daughter in bed. She yawned, snuggling into the palm of his hand, which rested gently against her cheek. "Yes Daddy. Always have a good time with you."

"And that I'm glad to hear my girl." He chuckled.

Carson leaned down and kissed his daughter's forehead. He dreaded this part of every week: late Sunday night, when his alone time with his little girl would draw to a close. After Elspeth had been born the family had given him the weekend off, plus half a Friday knowing he needed, more than other fathers, to be as present for his little girl as much as he could. At very first he'd dreaded the whole idea, thinking that he'd have too much time on his hands to think about the loss of his love. In that case, he would've rather been at work.

During those early days though, he discovered he needed the rest and the child needed him. By Friday, he was exhausted from working and caring for a newborn, something he had no idea how to do and never would've survived without Mrs. Patmore and Lady Grantham. Now though, he enjoyed the free time he spent with his daughter. It was a bigger blessing than he ever could've imagined and he hated, every weekend when the time drew to a close.

Carson braced himself, knowing that in the few seconds before she fell asleep, he'd likely get a mum question. He hated that she usually asked before bed, but he thought he understood it. When she was sleepy, she was less afraid to ask him and he'd be gentler with his answer. At the same time, it put Elsie on his mind before bed and was often for him a segue into a sleepless night. Elspeth closed her eyes, sighing when she felt her dad begin to run his fingers through her hair. Carson didn't feel that his hand crossed that of another figure sitting at the girl's side doing the same thing. The spirit smiled back at him, at peace herself but full of sorrow for him.

"Did she love me?" Elspeth asked.

"Dare I say, she loved you more than anyone." He laughed, understanding what she met right away. Elspeth sighed when he said this and he could tell the words soothed her soul.

"But why did she leave me if she loved me?" She asked.

Carson looked down at his sleepy child sadly. He felt the same and even after all the years of wondering, and knowing the logical explanation, he didn't truly know the answer to her question and never would. He'd explained the logical side of this before and he knew she still couldn't understand. He sighed sadly, looking up and off into the distance. He didn't realize his love stared straight into his eyes.

"I forgive you my Charlie, for all that went on between us." Elsie whispered, grabbing his face. She leaned in close to him, as if to kiss him, but he looked away.

Carson couldn't feel her touch, or hear her voice but was sure he could sense her. He knew, somehow that she was there, and had thought, for sometime that he was simply going out of his mind because of it. A single tear ran down his cheek at the thought that she might really have forgiven him. How could she? She'd said she had before she died, she'd even attempted to prove it, but he'd never been sure. So, in addition to everything else, he spent his days guilt-ridden about Elsie and heartbroken, fearful that she'd died not loving him anymore.

"Tell her Charlie. Go on my love. You have the strength to tell her I promise love." She whispered.

He elected to speak, figuring that if Elsie had had to endure it, it was only fair for him to have to speak it and live the reality of it for the rest of his days. After all, he'd gotten what he thought she'd wanted: to live a life alone, raising their child.

Carson paused, his voice cracking. "Mummy got too sick, she couldn't stay with us anymore, my treasure."

"But why?"

Carson didn't realize how smart his daughter was for her age. She knew little of pregnancy, especially since she didn't have a mother to explain it to her, but she assumed, quite wrongly that her mother had bled out after she'd been born and that she was the cause of it. It was a heinous assumption that would terrify Carson and Mrs. Patmore if they had any idea of it, and it was far from the truth… although, the truth was only slightly less terrifying.

"It's hard to explain Elspeth. Let's not think on it now." He whispered, kissing her cheek. "It's done, it's nothing that you need to worry about or think on. Now I want you to go to sleep and think happy thoughts about your birthday. Remember you've got cake and presents and surprises coming up in just a few days. I promise it's what mummy would want you to think about."

Elspeth paused, wondering how her birthday could possibly be a happy day for him when it was the day her mother had left them. For a split second, her thoughts wandered to the churchyard and she didn't know why.

"Okay Daddy." She yawned, too tired to question him further.

Ghost Elsie continued to run her fingers through the child's hair, slowly lulling her to sleep. Carson leaned down to kiss his daughter again and Elsie placed her hand gently on his cheek, her heart heavy that he could not feel her touch.

"I love you Charles Carson even more than you love me." She said. "I wish you knew it." He could not hear her words, but the child could.

"Good night my precious girl." He whispered. "I love you so very much."

"Night Daddy." She whispered, so tired she was unable to open her eyes now. "Love you."

As soon as the door shut, Elsie began her lullabye, humming sweetly to her little girl. Elspeth settled into her pillow, her heart soothed at the sound.

"Ni mama." She yawned, almost completely asleep now.

"Good night my little lass. I love you so much. Mummy never would've left you, or given you up, never ever if she could've helped it." Elsie whispered her own heart breaking.

She longed to be with the child and to make peace with Charlie: it was the reason she was not at rest. She was disappointed that her former lover had not told their daughter more of what had really happened but supposed she was still a bit young for such an explanation.

She hoped, however, that one day, Carson would choose to tell the child the whole truth, not just of her death but of the thing that guilted him. Elsie wanted the girl to know that she'd not only loved her, but been prepared to do anything for her, including living in shame, raising a child named Hughes.

…..

The Next Day

"There you look perfect." Mary announced happily.

"Yes she does." Anna approved.

Elspeth had found herself taken into Lady Mary's bedroom very unexpectedly. She felt uneasy about the whole thing especially when Anna came in, holding an outfit that was a tiny replica of Mary's riding habit. She'd protested at first, but allowed Anna to help her change her clothes.

"My Daddy won't like it." Elspeth commented, looking down at the strange, stiff pants she now wore. She winced as Anna placed a helmet on top of her head.

"Well why ever not?" Mary asked.

"Because I'm a girl, I'm not supposed to wear pants. I'm supposed to wear a dress!"

The girl was upset and frankly, surprised. Her very conservative father had told her it was inappropriate for girls to wear pants and that she couldn't ever do it. Elspeth's heart started to race and she wanted to cry when she'd discovered they were dressing her in pants, something she didn't have in her own wardrobe and had never worn before, save a few pairs of long underwear. She didn't want to do anything to disobey or disrespect her father and wished she could make them understand that.

"Daddy said no." She protested once again, hoping this would be enough.

"Well I'm a girl, I'm wearing pants, what does that make me?" Mary asked.

Elspeth looked her up and down, pausing for a moment. The tiny child tilted her head, trying to consider this question.

"A lady." She supposed, knowing that was different.

Mary sighed, staring back at the goddaughter who didn't like her. She'd accepted the post for Carson's sake, because she loved him, and wanted to provide a home for his child in the event of his death. But in hindsight, she might not have done it had she ever anticipated how… well how much like very Mrs. Hughes the child would end up being. Not that she'd disliked Mrs. Hughes, she hadn't, the two had just never seen eye to eye and now she didn't know if she could see herself potentially raising a junior version of the former housekeeper. Mary watched the girl, finding the similarities between mother and daughter remarkable considering that they'd never known each other.

Nonetheless, now that she was obligated to being her godmother and guardian, Mary was intent on connecting with the girl in the way everyone else had and as a result she was forcing her to take weekly riding lessons starting today.

"Come along, it's time for your very first riding lesson."

Elspeth was nervous and gulped as she took Mary's hand, looking back at Anna for reassurance. The ladies maid waived, as Mary pulled Elspeth out of the room and down the hall. Carson and his daughter were almost like family to the Crawley's and if anything were to happen to him, Elspeth would automatically become their ward, and Mary her guardian. She wanted Elspeth to be able to fit into their world should she need to and planned on exposing her to everything she could, from horseback riding to debutante balls. If she were to raise her, the child would be finely educated, and marry well when the time came.

But Elspeth had more of her mother in her than anyone could realize. Mary and everything she had to offer made the child particularly uncomfortable and she couldn't say why. If consulted, she would've told you she would've rather stayed downstairs in the event of her father's death and be raised by Mrs. Patmore and Anna, which of course, would've been her mother's choice.

Elspeth had ridden before, for recreation, not sport and was not intimidated when Mary and the jockey helped her onto one of the smaller horses. Truthfully, she'd always wished she could do this but had never asked. After the lesson, Mary grabbed the reins of her horse and demanded that it follow her. Elspeth was confused that they were going off without the jockey and nervous too.

Elspeth paused, watching as her godmother led her horse. She wondered why it was she was taking her for a ride. The little girl was growing exponentially and had had questions for everyone lately: Mary was no exception. Even though she was slightly afraid of her she felt the urge to ask her questions; after all, she couldn't ask Daddy everything could she?

"What's a godmother?" She inquired innocently, batting her tiny eyelashes.

Truthfully the child was confused about the term. Was a godmother something that you got when your Mummy wasn't there anymore? If so, Elspeth thought Mary was a poor substitute for her mother and assumed that Mrs. Patmore should have been her godmother.

"Your Daddy picked me to look after you, to help teach you things about life." She began.

"You mean because my Mummy's gone?" She asked. "When did you meet my Mummy?"

"When I was…oh ten? And no. I'm your godmother incase something happens to your father, you'll live with me if he dies." Mary stopped, realizing she'd spoken without thinking.

Elspeth's eyes grew as wide as saucers. She'd never considered the idea of her father passing away as her mother had and was terrified. She began to cry at once. Mary's face turned white as a sheet as she watched the child she'd been trying to win over, realizing, she'd unintentionally devastated her… it seemed like something Edith would do!

"Daddy! Daddy! I want my Daddy!" She sobbed.

…..

It was Anna, of course, who'd saved the day… or so she thought. She'd persuaded Mary to tell Carson about what had happened later on in the week, after the child's birthday, and taken a teary-eyed Elspeth downstairs for a snack.

"Your Daddy loves you more than anything." She said quietly, wiping the girl's tears as she ate. "He'll be around for a long time. But Mommies and Daddies have to prepare, to make their children have a place to go if something might happen to them."

"Like with Mummy?" She mumbled.

"Yes." Anna answered sympathetically. "Like with Mummy. Elspeth, Lady Mary shouldn't have said that, and I'm sorry. She's trying to learn to be a little closer to you is all but it's because she cares: we all do. If anything ever did happen to your Daddy you should know you would be well loved and taken care of here all your life. You'd never have to worry."

Elspeth equated this to her mother's death and understood immediately. but it didn't stop her tears. She looked back at Anna and began to suck her thumb. The conversation made a lump form in her tummy. If something were to happen toher father the last thing she'd want would be to be stuck with Lady Mary for a parent. In that eventuality she'd want Mrs. Patmore, who was the closest thing she had to a mother already, or Lady Cora who Elspeth loved very much… or really anybody but Mary, even Thomas would be a better mother in her opinion.

"I want my Daddy!" She cried, beginning to sob.

"What's going on here?" Carson asked, poking his head into the room. He'd just come back downstairs from serving tea.

"Daddy!" She screeched, holding her arms out.

"Anna?" He questioned, lifting his frightened child into his arms.

Anna sighed. "I'm sorry Mr. Carson, Lady Mary took her for her riding lesson and may've explained the term godmother in quite the wrong way."

Elspeth sighed, hugging her father tight. "Daddy!"

"Shuuu love, it's alright."

"I asked Mary to explain it to you after Elspeth's birthday. She told her godmother's are there to be parents when parents pass away, Mr. Carson."

"Oh I see." His face fell.

"Daddy don't go!" She cried.

"Shuu my love, I'm right here."

Carson and Anna stopped when they heard a bell ring.

"Oh I have to go. I'm sorry Elspeth, it will be alright. You've got your Daddy now and he'll make it all better. I'll be back later and you'll have a nice bath alright?"

Elspeth nodded, sniffling as she clung to her father's arms.

"Oh my girl it's alright." Carson soothed.

He was stunned and elected not to say anything more on the subject for now.

"Daddy. My Daddy." She cried.

"I'm here, I'm here it's alright."

"I don't want Lady Mary, I want her Mummy and Auntie Patmore!" She choked as she cried. "And I don't want them either I want you."

"I want you too." He soothed, deciding to talk to her in more depth about it tomorrow. "I think it's about your naptime lass." He whispered, holding her tight.

Beryl came in and stood at the door, concerned when she heard Elspeth crying. Carson began to hum as he rocked his daughter, trying to get her to sleep.

"Dashing away with a smoothing iron she stole my heart away!" He whispered, kissing the side of her head.

Carson was crushed by what had just happened to his daughter and didn't need anyone to explain to him how painful this was for her or how scared she must be to come to know he wouldn't live forever. The idea that she knew worried him and reminded him too much of his own immortality. He continued to hum his song as Beryl watched: it had been his Elsie song. The one he sang when she'd overwhelmed his heart with joy. After she died, he'd never thought he'd sing it again, but found himself singing it to Elspeth as a lullaby when she was a baby. The little girl had loved it instantly, having heard it since she was in her mother's womb. Now, Carson didn't know whether he sung the song for his girl or his love. Maybe for both.

"There love; don't worry about anything and take your nap; Daddy's got you, yes Daddy's got you."

"Don't be frightened my wee lass." Ghost Elsie whispered in the child's ear. She whispered as she laid her head on Charlie's shoulder, wanting to badly for him to hear her.

"Mummy." Elspeth mumbled as she went to sleep. "I want my Mummy."

….

Hours later, Elspeth felt much better but was a bit shaken still as Anna was giving her, her bath. She couldn't help but keep thinking about what Mary had said. She had spent time with her father, and the family's dinner hour on Mrs. Patmore's hip, sucking her thumb. Elspeth squeezed her eyes tightly as Anna poured the water over her head. She hated this part, and rightly so.

"Nooo soap!" She squeaked.

"It's alright. That part's over for now, and yay! You don't have soap in your eyes." Anna laughed, drying off the child's face. Elspeth opened her eyes, clapping as Anna lifted her out of the tub, wrapping a huge warm towel around her. "My were you filthy though. But at least you'll be nice and clean for your birthday."

Anna was kind of amazed. Elspeth had only been in the bath a few minutes and there was already a ring of thick dirt around the perimeter of the tub. She helped her into her long underwear (which she wore because she had to walk home in the snow) and her nightgown and wrapped the towel back around her for warmth. Elspeth looked up when she heard a knock on the door.

"Come in." Anna said, as she took another towel and began trying to dry the child's hair.

Carson covered his eyes as he came in the room and Anna laughed.

"She's dressed now Mr. Carson."

"Hi Daddy."

"Oh hello." He smiled kindly, removing his hand from his gaze. "I was just checking to see if you were finished. We can go home soon and…"

He stopped when one of the bells started to ring.

"Lady Mary!" Mrs. Patmore called from down the hall.

"I better go." Anna rose to her feet. "Elspeth I'll be back."

"Daddy you can brush my hair!" Elspeth asked.

"Of course I can." He smiled. "I came to remind you." He said, taking the hairbrush from her. "That tomorrow is a very special day and that Daddy has a few surprises for his best girl."

Elspeth clapped her little hands again as her father brushed her hair. She turned suddenly, throwing her arms around his shoulders. He chuckled.

"It's alright my little love, it's okay." He could tell she was still scared.

"Daddy you're my faborite." Was all she said, beginning to suck her thumb again as she rested her head on his shoulder.

Her upset earlier had gotten him thinking and he'd decided to add something extra heartwarming to the girl's birthday surprise.

"Well you're my favorite too." He smiled. "Quick, lets get your hair a little drier so we can get home and tomorrow we'll have a little chat about everything you've been asking me about lately. You're a big girl, it's time."

"About Mummy?"

"Yes my love, about Mummy."

…..

"Daddy when did you meet my Mummy, was it when she came to the house?" Elspeth asked. She'd been told her mother had been at the house many years but came after her father.

Carson built a fire when they got home. Instead of putting her to bed right away he made her hot chocolate and put her on his lap, hoping to read a story but instead she started asking questions.

"No." he laughed. "No I met your mother in Scotland, when she was still a lass herself." He thought of much younger Elsie and how she looked even more like Elspeth.

Elspeth was surprised. He'd met her when she was a girl? And before Downton?

"Did you marry her then?" She asked, sighing and settling against his chest. The question hurt Carson, who'd never gotten the chance to marry the woman he loved. Elspeth didn't know that and he didn't know how he would explain it.

"No." He managed to laugh. "She was so young…and I a lad of sorts myself."

He'd been a young man when they first met and she, still a teenager. It'd been years and years before when he was still traveling in the theatre with Charlie Grigg. He hadn't even entered service yet. He'd fallen rather quickly for a Scottish girl several years his junior and would've married her had her father not intervened and forbidden it. At the time she'd been just seventeen, a mere twelve years older than Elspeth was now. That thought alarmed Carson soundly, and he decided to tuck it away for the moment.

Elsie's father's disapproval had been a move that in Charlie's mind had ruined both of their lives. He supposed he understood it now that he was a father himself, almost every waking thought went into protecting his little girl. He was strict with her, and very loving… but you never would've guessed that Carson cautioned himself on one note. To be very considerate if she ever fell in love, and to try to see what she saw so her life wouldn't be ruined too.

Elsie's father had forbidden the marriage and as a result, both had entered service separately, unhappy, heartbroken and alone. Several years later, fate had interviened and they met once more, rekindling their (this time) much more passionate affair. A few years after that, she'd come to Downton and they become a secret couple. Having been with her for so many years, he felt horrible that he hadn't married her. He tried to tell himself that he shouldn't feel guilty, that he'd wanted to marry her from the very start, that they'd had plans to marry…. But fifteen years after she came to Downton she'd become pregnant with Elspeth very unexpectedly and that had brought everything: their situation, their plans, even their love for each other, it seemed to a dramatic halt.

"No love. No I did not marry her then. I was older than her, and your granddad didn't like me and wouldn't have it."

"That's mean." She yawned.

"Yes it was mean."

Carson paused, he wondered how much Elsie's father would've liked it had he known how they had to live and what they'd gone through to be together. Or if he would've liked that his daughter ended up pregnant and unmarried…because of him really. Carson took the blame for that in life, but he didn't want to. He'd loved her and had wanted to marry her more than anything.

He looked down at his daughter, wondering what he would've done if he could've chosen: Elsie or her tiny namesake. He would've gladly kept his Elsie, grown old with her, finally married her… but he couldn't say he'd take back having his child. He loved everything about her; and he loved that she kept the presence of his love alive and allowed him to love her still.

Elsie's picture on the mantle caught his eye and he stared at it before turning his gaze back to his daughter, who was by then asleep. He brushed the girl's cheek softly with his finger and looked back up at the photograph of his lost love. The clock struck midnight. It was Elspeth's birthday.

"She's beautiful." He smiled teary-eyed at the picture. "She's beautiful and five whole years old and I still can't believe you're not here to see it." He paused. "Elsie if I could go back and be happy I would…I don't know maybe it would've made a difference to you my love…maybe it would've, would've made a difference to where you are now."

Carson dissolved into tears, holding his daughter tight to his chest. He didn't notice ghost Elsie sit at his feet and cup his tear-stained face in her hand but something inside his soul sighed, calming instantly at her phantom touch.

"Oh my love." She whispered, he could hear her inside, unconsciously at the root of his heart. "She is so beautiful and what you do with her every day makes all the difference to me."

"Dashing away with the smoothing iron she stole my heart away." Carson whispered, beginning to rock Elspeth.

Elsie smiled deeply and leaned her forehead against his as they watched their daughter sleep., still lamenting that he could not feel her touch, or she is.