Ch 6- Happy Birthday
October 1914
Carson paused, watching Elsie in her sitting room from the kitchen doorway. She smiled brightly looking down at her fast-growing stomach. She was nearly ready to have it now and every time he looked at her he thought she was going to explode. She was so swollen, her belly, and ankles in particular. It was late and the family's dinner hour. Dr. Clarkson had stayed to dine with the family after examining Elsie and the baby and had left his stethoscope there for her to listen to the child's heartbeat. Carson watched as she moved the drum of the stethoscope to another part of her side.
Elsie closed her eyes and sighed. "You're a wee perfect babe that I know." She said. "Mummy bets you that you could kick harder than that. Yes you could my strong one you could."
"What are you doing?" Carson asked, raising an eyebrow as he entered her sitting room.
"Listening to my baby." She told him.
"May her Da have a listen?" He inquired after a moment of pause.
"Oh so you admit it Mr. Carson?"
"The whole house knows I'm the child's father and I suspect the village. And quit calling me Mr. Carson." Until recently, it'd been Charlie for many years.
"Alright then." She answered after a moment.
He sat next to her and she gave him half of the stethoscope, the other half still in her ear. He sat close to her, managing to stretch the device enough to get it in his ear as well.
"Wow." He found himself whispering within just a few seconds.
He'd never heard anything like it before, the baby's heartbeat somewhat erratically going thud-thud-thud-thud-thud; each little beat faster than the next. He instinctively placed his hand on Elsie's knee without really thinking and she looked down surprised. He was amazed, in awe at the thought that that tiny heart beat so strong because he'd loved Elsie very much. He wished she understood he still did. It was odd, sitting so close to someone you loved so deeply, having barely been speaking to her for months. He began to turn toward her, finding her hand was just about to grasp his. She squeezed it tight, although very subtly, and placed it on her side, taking a deep breath.
"My." He laughed almost proudly when he felt it kick. "He is a strong lad."
"She's a lass." Elsie corrected. "I'm sure of it." She was surprised to see him smile at this idea.
"I know another lass whose very strong, and very perfect in everyway whom I hope she takes after." He said, tears in his eyes.
"Oh Charlie." She whispered, her eyes transfixed with this. They paused for a moment, a moment of mutual understanding, of grief, of awe and finally love. She leaned in closer to him and he followed suit, pausing to gaze at one another before he pressed his lips urgently into hers.
Elsie sighed into his mouth at once feeling overtaken by him, as she always seemed to be. She tilted her head and deepened the kiss, having missed his caress so much. These last eight months had been painful, and trying for their relationship in more ways than one and now the thought crossed her mind that perhaps it would be alright after all. On top of everything else she'd had the distinct feeling that the baby wouldn't have both a mother and a father. It was an eerie thought that sent chills up her spine, and which she'd been unable to shake.
Carson kissed her deeper, tears pouring down his cheeks by now. He wanted so much to tell her he loved her in the way he always had, that he'd been wrong before and this baby even in just the beating of her heart, was an illustration of that love. He knew he needn't say it with his words; that his mere caress of her lips and belly spoke volumes about his undying love and changed attitude toward the child they'd made together.
They broke their kiss, both jumping suddenly when they heard something shatter in the kitchen. Beryl began to scream at poor Daisy.
"I can't wait to take care of you, my love and my miracle of a lass. She's the love we haven't been allowed to share."
"You'll make the best of fathers my Mr. Carson." She whispered, tears in her eyes.
Elsie felt relief at his newfound willingness to love the child she was expecting, and although she did not know it consciously, something inside let go.
November 4th, 1919
"Oh my Elsie." He whispered, a tear rolling down his cheek as he took her picture in hand. "She's beautiful and five-years-old today. She's the image of you, she's so strong and perfect in every way and I can't believe you're not here to see it."
….
"Happy Birthday my Elspeth." Mrs. Patmore kissed the girl on the side of her head as she placed a single cupcake with one lit candle in it in front of her.
"I can't believe you're five!" Daisy remarked.
"Well Daisy they don't stay little forever." Mrs. Patmore smiled sadly, kissing Elspeth again. "My baby's getting so big!"
Beryl always felt odd saying 'my baby' when she was every inch Elsie's baby, but there was no denying that she was the child's mother in all the ways the living valued. Even Elspeth, who'd come to long for her natural mother as of late, would not deny this and loved Mrs. Patmore tremendously. This is why Elspeth, who'd been thinking a lot about death lately, thought that Daisy should be her guardian in the case of her father's death and Mrs. Patmore's too. Daisy, after all, was her adopted mother's other adopted daughter...in a sense. Hypothetically, she figured this made them sisters.
Carson sighed from his place in the kitchen doorway, watching as his daughter ate her cupcake, giggling up at Mrs. Patmore. He was unsure about what he was about to do for her birthday and wondered if he was making the right decision. How would he ever begin to explain to her that he and her mother had not been wed, had never shared a home … it was all too much. He supposed there were a great many women out there who had to explain such things to children, but wondered if he were really the only man. He couldn't be, could he?
"Elspeth." He cleared his throat, entering the room.
"Hi Daddy!"
"Hello my girl, are you ready to go, Daddy has some places he would like to take his Elspeth."
"Not before she finishes her cupcake and I clean her up a bit." Beryl reminded, beginning to wipe the cupcake frosting off of the girl's hands.
"Of course." He said. Beryl watched him carefully, noting he was nervous.
…
It was cold and Carson bundled his daughter warmly in her coat and scarf before lifting her into his arms.
"Daddy where are we going?" She asked, looking down at the picnic basket he carried.
She liked the idea of a picnic it was something he did with her often in summer but never in the fall. The thought stuck Elspeth that it might be too cold for that now but she didn't mind. She'd rather spend her birthday alone with her father than anywhere else anyhow and was anxious to see what he had planned. She knew it was something out of the ordinary.
Elspeth didn't realize that walking through town could be trying for her father. Most people treated him with the respect they'd always had for him, but there were a few who balked at his status as a single father, or rather the path he'd taken to single fatherhood. He was shunned by those few, and discussed by nearly everyone else… disgraced as an unwed mother was in a small village. It was strange for him, to be an upstanding, older man in this position. It didn't help him much that he had the family, Dr. Clarkson and a few others standing up for his good name. Elspeth was too small and isolated to have noticed yet, but he worried about her growing up and attending school in a place where she'd be known and referred to as what she was: a bastard, his name and her future in the mud, her dead mother's precious memory disgraced. Every so often, the thought of quitting Downton and leaving the village for London crossed Carson's mind, but then he remembered the one thing that kept him there, anchoring him to the town and estate like a massive weight dropped deep down onto the ocean floor. He paused and sighed before opening the gate… unsure if he was ready.
"Daddy where are we going?" She whispered nervously, her breath catching in her little throat. She was surprised but understood perfectly well where they were headed.
Elspeth remained silent, clutching her father's jacket and hugging him close as they walked. She'd wanted this, but wasn't sure if she was ready. Now she understood why her father had flowers with him, she'd known they weren't for her. Carson put the picnic basket down, holding his little girl close and resting her on his knee as he bent down slowly, kneeling in the mud before the remains of his love. Elspeth was nervous despite the feeling of a faintly familiar presence and began sucking her fingers with one hand and tightening her hold on her father's coat with the other.
Carson ran his hand over the cold stone of his beloved's memorial, carefully tracing his fingers over the precious name embossed before them. He searched his child's eyes as they surveyed the stone slab, both in wonderment and grief. He'd brought her here many times before, but not within her memory. He often visited but kept the experience selfishly to himself, just has he'd wanted to keep Elsie to himself when she'd told him she was pregnant. Oh how he cursed himself for that now. Perhaps he should've also been ashamed for not taking her baby to see her.
"Mummy can hear us." He whispered gently, wiping the girl's auburn hair out of her face as she stared down at the grave.
"Hi Mummy." She mumbled in greeting to the woman she could not recall.
Elspeth reached out, allowing her tiny hand to brush the stone. He kissed her cheek softly as the little girl read her mother's name. While only five today, Carson had taught his daughter to read when she was very young. She wasn't advanced but could make out her own name, first and last.
"Elsie Hughes." She whispered so faintly even he could not hear. Hughes. She mulled over it for a moment, it was a name she was familiar with, but it was not the name she'd expected to find.
"Daddy, why is my Mummy's name Hughes, not Carson?" She asked, her heart beginning to thud. Carson kissed his daughter's cheek again.
"I will explain later my little love. For now." He said, pulling the flowers out of the picnic basket and handing one to her. "Can you give your Mummy a rose?"
She nodded simply, laying the rose across the stone. Carson did the same, placing a small bouquet across his love's resting place. Carson closed his eyes tight, trying to hide the fact that he was crying.
"We love you very much Mummy." He said, tears stinging his eyes when he called her this.
She'd wanted that name and certainly paid the price for it. Yet, she'd only ever gotten to use it just a few times before she died. He hoped she knew, even in death that she was loved as a Mummy and greatly missed by her child and its father.
"We miss you, our treasure and I." He stopped himself short of saying we need you.
Elspeth didn't know what to say about a woman she missed but had never seen. She wondered if she should mention that sometimes, when she closed her eyes, she was sure she saw her, and that in the gentle still of the night, she knew she heard her voice upon her heart. Her mother may've been gone, cold in the ground before them, but she was no stranger. Overwhelmed and not knowing what to say, the child simply threw a kiss.
…
Carson put a warm blanket around his daughter as he sat her on their picnic blanket. He wasn't sure what they were having but had asked Mrs. Patmore to make some of the little girl's favorite things.
"Daddy where are we?" She asked and he smiled.
She'd never been there before. They were on the edge of a little bank by a slowly flowing stream, leaves covered the ground and deer pranced in the distant trees. Even in the dead of fall, Elspeth found the place beautiful.
"This is a special place." He reflected, taking the first dish out of the basket, curious to see what Beryl had packed. "I used to bring Mummy here it is where we would get away together."
"For picnics?"
"Yes my love, for picnics and stargazing…"
Carson paused, thinking about the last time he'd brought her there. It was where she'd told him of her pregnancy with Elspeth. Elspeth put her head down, shame washing over her as she sensed her father was beyond sad. She struggled to understand how he still loved her.
"Daddy I'm sowwy." She cried.
"For what? What have you to be sorry for my love?"
"It's my fault isn't it?"
"What?"
"I killed my Mummy didn't I? I took her away." She _ her fingers, looking up at him with big, sad eyes. "I killed her by being borned." She hiccupped.
"No! No what could ever give you that idea!"
"Forgibe me." She cried, "For killing my Mummy." She wiped her eyes and started to cry harder.
"My Elspeth." He sighed, pulling her into his arms. "Shhu. You did no such thing. My precious girl did no such thing."
"H-how can you love me when she died when I was borned?"
Carson said nothing for a moment and just hugged her tight. "My Elspeth Carson you are a gift. Mummies and Daddies get old and die, and eventually, I would've lost your mother, or she would've lost me. I'm very happy that if one of us had to go sooner than we would've liked, it was to bring you into the world. Mummy and I love you so much, you are our greatest gift my child."
"You still love me best?" She asked because he often said this.
"Your Da doesn't know that he really loves anything else in the whole of the world. You were a tiny baby, you are not responsible for what happened to Mummy, and I happen to know she was more than happy to give you life. She loved you beyond compare and when she held you she said this is my treasure. Today, your Da feels the same."
Elspeth sighed, hugging his arms tight.
"Did you love my Mummy?"
"More than the world, just as I love my lass." Only different, of course. "But you asked me earlier why her name is Hughes."
"Uh-huh."
"Elspeth. Your mother was not a Carson because she was not my wife."
"W-what?" She asked, her eyes widening.
"We were in love, but not married. You see times are changing, several years ago, Anna and Mr. Bates wouldn't have been allowed to wed and it was not allowed for me and your mother. We loved each other for a long time Elspeth and planned on marrying as soon as we left Downton."
The child was confused and had no clue what to say. Being five, just today, she didn't understand the repercussions of her father's disclosure, she did, however, know they were significant and that somehow, she felt ashamed. Was that why her mother was gone? In some way, this made things make more sense to the child, but she was also puzzled in new more trying ways. She wondered, for example, how people had babies when they weren't married, and if her mother would've been thrown out like the maid Ethel, who'd come to Mrs. Patmore for help when she'd turned up pregnant and unmarried. Little did she know, that had almost happened.
Elspeth felt cold suddenly, like a wave of doom was washing over her. In that instant, the child knew something she didn't totally understand and wouldn't for years.
"Please know I loved your mother." He told her. "Daddy carries her in his heart. Speaking of heart, mummy and I have a gift for you." Carson reached into the basket and found a small box wrapped in pink paper.
Elspeth took the box in her hand carefully, marveling over the fact that it was a gift from her mother.
"She'd planned on giving this to you." He said, not allowing her to open the package just yet. "When you were older, but I feel you're ready for it now, and I added my own little touch."
"Wow Daddy it's pretty!" She squealed, surprised when she found a beautiful silver locket at the bottom of the box.
"It's very pretty." He told her, helping her to open the locket.
"Wow." Elspeth whispered, her eyes widening at her first glance of her mother. She stared for a moment, seeing a deep familiarity in the woman's face that struck her to the core. It was both something within and beyond herself that seemed to overtake her breath and very being.
"And so are you, you are the image of Elsie Hughes." He whispered.
"She looked like me!" She squeaked with surprise. Thomas always said it, but now she knew it was true.
"I look at you and see her clearly. That's the greatest of gifts my Elspeth. You can ask about Mummy whenever you like… she's your mother and you have the right to know everything you can about her."
Carson watched his daughter, her tiny eyes still transfixed on the image of her late mother. He wondered if he'd done the right thing in celebrating her birthday this way, in bringing her here and telling her these things. Meanwhile, Elspeth knew the face and couldn't divert her gaze. It was the woman who sang to her at night, and who remained ever present in her mind.
"I know you can't understand but, one day you will and I hope you know that all that matters is how much you are loved and you are loved so much, because you are the love your mother and I were not allowed to share. So happy birthday my treasure, from Mummy and me." He hugged her tight.