Ch 7- Elspeth's Day Out

Carson almost fell into bed, burying his face in his pillow, trying to stifle his tears. It wasn't often that he cried anymore. After Elsie died he cried buckets. Back then it had been hard, it still was: after all, it was self-evident that Elsie had mothered Elspeth, and sometimes, no matter how much he adored his child it hurt to see that. Other times, it took his breath away in the best of ways. He could look at her and know his love for that beautiful woman lived on in something better than them both.

One didn't need to be told Elsie was her mother. He recalled the first time he'd taken his daughter to see her Aunt Becky at Lytham St. Anne's… even she, in her somewhat limited mental capacity understood immediately, without introduction and began to cry.

Carson had been uncertain about taking her there. He'd only met Becky a few times before, himself, but he figured his daughter ought to know her only other living relative, and that Becky ought to know her sister's baby. Elspeth didn't remember her first visit to Aunt Becky. At the time she'd been only two, and Carson found himself ashamed he hadn't made the introduction sooner. But it was such a long journey and Elspeth was so very small.

"Doesn't she look just like her Becky lass?" He'd asked, calling her the nickname that Elsie always did.

The older woman had been lonely and afraid ever since someone had told her, her sister had passed away, just as her mother had. She looked up at Charlie, recalling who he was, her sister's beau who she'd first met when they were girls. 'He was the one,' Becky recalled. 'Who made Daddy very mad, but I always him.' She quickly, for her, put together that the baby she was being allowed to hold was his, with her big sister. Her heart leapt with joy at the thought that she still had family out there after all. Becky of course didn't put together the fact that Charlie was the one currently paying for her to live.

Tiny Elspeth had stared up at the strange lady, blinking her bright blue eyes. She sensed some kind of deep familiarity from the woman that she could not place, and derived an incredible comfort from her she'd never known.

"Her name," Carson smiled, reaching out to brush his baby's cheek. "Is Elspeth."

….

November 16th, 1919

"Elspeth can you get the salt for Auntie?" Beryl asked, calling to the girl from the place she sat at the kitchen table.

"No." She said, getting up and handing her the salt.

"No, what do you mean no?" She asked, getting on her knees to address her.

"No. My name's not Elspeth!" She corrected.

"Oh?" Beryl asked, laughing a bit, wiping the girl's hair out of her face. "Then what may I ask is your name little love?"

"It's Charlotte." She said, biting her lip nervously.

She was testing the waters. This is what the woman in her dreams had told her. Beryl froze and looked at the child very seriously.

"Now who told ya that?" She asked, knowing it wouldn't have been Carson or Lady Grantham.

"M-mummy."

"Elspeth!" Anna called as she came down the hall. The child turned on her toes when she heard Anna, knowing she'd come to collect her. "Her ladyship is waiting for you, I can take you up now. Mrs. Patmore what's wrong?" She asked the cook who remained bent down to Elspeth's height despite the fact that the girl had crossed the room and taken Anna's hand. "You look like you've just seen a ghost."

"Oh. But I think I have."

….

Two Hours Later

"Oh? Who are you little pet?" Mr. Grigg chucked when Elspeth answered the door. She gave an exasperated sigh, the Charles Carson in her annoyed with the man's candor. The Elsie Hughes in her, however, was curious and perhaps a bit too brave.

"Whom are you here to see?" She asked very formally, holding her head high, echoing her father's regular snobbish tone of greeting.

"Charlie Carson."

"Oh. He's my Daddy." She said simply, oblivious to the shock she'd just given the man. "Daddy! It's for you!"

Grigg was floored, in that instant, in something about the way she spoke or moved he realized she was familiar to him, but not because of Charles Carson.

"Elspeth, what have I told you about the proper greeting for…"

Carson stopped cold when he saw who was at the door and scooped his daughter up in his arms. Elspeth was confused for a moment, her heart pounding at the sudden realization that her father didn't want her around this man.

"Grigg." He spoke simply. "What brings you to Yorkshire?"

"You Charlie." He chuckled, reaching out to brush Elspeth's cheek. Carson didn't like that. Grigg met the child no harm and hoped that her existence met his friend had found some happiness in life beyond his job, the kind he'd known he desired.

"Elspeth. Daddy has some business to attend to." Carson told her, putting her on her feet. "Go and find Mrs. Patmore; help her with whatever she's doing in the kitchen."

"O-okay Daddy." She backed away apprehensively.

Elspeth was a little unsettled but didn't hesitate to follow her father's orders… or at least seem to. She went around the corner and listened carefully.

"You couldn't have played a part in making a beautiful child like that." He joked. Carson stood rigid, not reacting to his former partner's teasing.

"She is my daughter, yes."

"Well she must take after her mother where is she I can't wait to meet her."

Charlie stared back at him, his eyes cold. Grigg grew nervous.

"Not." He laughed. "Not that I would try to take her Charlie about Alice…"

"You never could've taken her no matter how hard you tried and in fact, as I recall you once did try."

"Could've and I did?" He was confused, only remembering his own wife, Alice, who he'd taken from Carson.

"Elspeth's mother passed away when she was born." Carson found himself surprised to announce.

"O-oh I'm sorry I…"

Carson hesitated, knowing he didn't owe the man further explanation, but for some reason he continued.

"Elsie." He almost choked on the name, he barely uttered it anymore, but it rolled off his tongue slowly, pointedly as if it were to be deeply cherished. "Do you remember Elsie Hughes? From Argyll? I'm sure you must. She was Elspeth's mother."

"Oh!" He understood suddenly. "Oh Charlie…oh Charlie I'm so, I'm so sorry…"

"We'll have no more discussion of it." He said, sternly. "Mr. Grigg what are you doing here?"

"Well that's just it… Charlie I'm sick and I need your help."

…..

An hour later

"Elspeth?" Isobel asked. She was surprised to find the little girl on her doorstep when she opened the front door.

"Hello Mrs. Crawley."

"Well hello. Elspeth how did you get here?" She asked, looking around for Carson or Cora.

"I walked!" She squeaked proudly, clapping softly for herself.

"Well we must phone your father at once." She said, taking her inside.

"Oh I'm sorry if I…" Elspeth was worried and thought she was in trouble for coming over.

"No, no my darling." Isobel smiled kindly getting on her knees. "Does anyone know you're here?" Elspeth shook her head no. "I don't at all disapprove of the fact that you came. You're quite delightful company Miss Carson." Elspeth giggled. "I just wouldn't want your Daddy or Mrs. Patmore or anybody else to worry. You're too little do walk around the village yourself you see."

Elspeth paused before continuing, feeling guilty that Mrs. Patmore and her Daddy were probably frantic with worry.

"But those other kids do it."

"Yes, but they are older than you and they all walk together. In a few years you'll be walking with them. Now, your father and then something to eat?"

"Mrs. Crawley." She said, stopping Isobel as she turned toward the phone. "I came to ask you something but shuu my Daddy can't know!"

"Oh?" Isobel was perplexed to hear this and wondered if she'd be alright with helping a little girl keep a secret from her father. "Let me phone him and then we'll talk. For now please, make yourself comfortable. Carson." Isobel said, she knew he'd been worried; he'd answered on the first ring. "I have your wandering little bundle of joy. Well it would seem she walked here."

Elspeth, who'd settled on the couch this time, watched anxiously, wondering if she'd be able to decipher whether or not she would be in trouble once she went home. She knew the answer was likely yes, but she had to do this.

"No, no she's no trouble at all. No. No need. If it will help Mrs. Patmore or you any, I'll keep her and bring her round to the kitchen before dinner. I could use the company. Alright then, good-bye."

"Am I in trouble?" She asked.

"Well that depends. What's this secret all about?"

"You have to promise not to tell, please Mrs. Crawley!"

"I need to know what it is first love, I'm sorry." Isobel apologized. Her maid was bringing in tea and cookies for them and Elspeth paused until she departed.

"My Daddy had a friend visit today." She began as she started munching on a cookie.

"Oh?"

"He knew him from when he was young. Don't tell Daddy I know he's an old Daddy." She whispered that part.

"Alright that I can promise." Isobel giggled.

"Anyway Mr. Grigg's wife died, like my Mummy, but he doesn't have a Downton Abbey or a little girl to take care of him and he told Daddy he was sick and needed a job."

"Oh I see."

"Daddy told him no even when he begged him, and he made him leave, he says he doesn't like Mr. Grigg."

"Did he say why?"

"Uh-huh, but I know he needs help and that's what you do, you help people."

"Yes I do." She admitted, seeing the child's qualm now. She sighed. "I will see what I can do Elspeth, but I shall have to speak to your father."

Elspeth put her head down.

"Elspeth, you were wrong to come here on your own, however I think your father has the right to know what an honorable little girl he has." Elspeth didn't know what that meant. "You're doing the right thing in trying to help this man, and moreover it's exactly what your mother would've done."

Elspeth looked up, a sparkle in her eye made Isobel almost jump. It looked just like Elsie.

"Really?"

"Yes. Your mother and I helped a few people together in our time." She smiled fondly.

Isobel paused, recalling the last two things she'd done for Elsie. She'd been helping to care for her while she was pregnant and during that time, had been insisting something was wrong. Had Clarkson listened, Elspeth might have her beloved mother. After the death Isobel had taken the baby home with her and cared for her for days, nearly weeks until Carson had the strength to take her home. The child had no idea about this, but Isobel had a spceical place in her heart for Elspeth because of it.

"Mrs. Crawley?"

"Yes?" She asked, pouring the girl a second cup of tea.

"Can you miss someone when you can't remember them?"

Isobel was taken aback, saddened by the child's question. She wasn't used to her questions in the same way everyone at the abbey was.

"Yes. I believe you can."

"Mrs. Crawley I think I miss my mummy." She admitted.

"Come here child." She said, outstretching her arms.

Elspeth hesitated and crawled into them. She liked Mrs. Crawley, who'd come over and given her a gift on her birthday, but she didn't know her as she knew Cora or Sybil or even Robert Crawley.

"Your mother was a kind woman. I thought of her as a friend and wish I'd known her better. But I do know one thing."

"Oh?"

"Your actions today show me not only that you're made of good stuff, Elspeth, but that you and your mummy share a heart." Elspeth's eyes welled with tears. She was a bit young to understand, but she did and she was touched by the idea.

"So even if Daddy is mad, I can know Mummy would've done the same thing?"

"She would've."

"Can we make mummy proud?" She asked innocently. Isobel's heart sunk.

"My dear, I'm sure mummy is quite proud every day, no matter what. And in this case, lets work together, to make sure your mummy AND your Daddy are proud.

…

Carson sighed as he hung up the phone; worried about the mischief his daughter was getting herself into. When he couldn't find her he'd started to worry that Grigg had taken her in retribution and had been about to call the police when Mrs. Crawley phoned. Now, he was more perplexed about his child than anxious and felt himself in a quandary about Grigg. Perhaps helping him would be the right thing? He hated the man, but knew he wasn't evil deep down… he just didn't want to admit it. They were a different class of man, and in Carson's eyes, that had meant a lot.

"Mr. Carson, good you're finally here, we need to talk. And where is Elspeth?!" She asked, walking into his pantry.

"Mrs. Patmore you look as if you've seen a ghost!" Carson laughed. "Elspeth's fine she's with Mrs. Crawley."

"Well that's just the thing, I think I have. Mrs. Crawley how'd she get there?!"

"We'll find out when she brings her round a dinner, it sounds like she just got curious and walked off. And what's this nonsense about a ghost?"

"Mr. Carson it… this is difficult to say."

"What is it?"

"It's about Elspeth. This morning she came to me you see and she told me her name wasn't Elspeth, that it was Charlotte. You didn't tell her that, did you?"

Carson stopped; his faced already turned ashen white.

"No." He said. "I did not."

"Mr. Carson she told me her mummy told her that. I think she needs to see one of those head doctors…"

"Mrs. Patmore my child is not crazy!"

"I'm not saying she's crazy and you know I love her like she were my own but I think she needs help, real help."

Carson sighed. "It's all this stuff with her mother. I allowed it at first she needed to know. I will never forget her all the days of my life." He bit his lip to keep her from crying. "I love her as much if not more than I did when she was here. She haunts me." He confessed. "Did you know that? I'd rather be haunted all eternity than loose site of her but… for Elspeth. This isn't healthy…I'll have a talk with her before we jump to any conclusions about doctors."

He waited until Beryl left to pull out Elsie's picture. The cook, of course, had thought he'd been speaking metaphorically about being haunted, sometimes he did too, but one gaze down into Elsie's face told him he was not.

…..

"It looks like my little girl had quite the adventure today." Carson said, tucking Elspeth into her bed. "Didn't you…Charlotte?"

Elspeth looked up, her eyes widening in horror when he said this.

"D-Daddy you know?"

He sighed. "More importantly its how do you know? Who told you?"

"Mummy she's right there see…" She yawned as she pointed to the corner.

"He can't see me lass." Ghost Elsie soothed. "Not like you can."

Worried now, Carson laid his daughter down, tucked her in and pressed his palm against her forehead.

"Well your not too warm." He sighed. "I know you want your mummy, more than anything in the entire world. So do I. I loved her in a way that I can't even express and I miss her in a way I hope you'll never understand. But you can't pretend that she's here when she's not."

"But Daddy I…"

"No, no. Listen. And aside from that, your mother did plan on calling you Charlotte. She... she said it all the time when you were growing inside of her." Carson found himself surprised with his honestly and choice of words.

"Like Charlie." She observed.

"Yes, like Charlie. I don't know how you know any of that. But you are my child, I have been with you since you were a tiny baby, and I decided to call you Elspeth, to honor your mummy because it was her name."

"Is that what mummy was doing?"

"Yes." Carson felt ashamed for this; Charlotte was the last thing she should've wanted to name the baby given how he'd treated her and everything that had happened. That was part of the reason he'd changed it: he didn't deserve the honor of having a namesake and she had. "Elspeth I know you love mummy, I do too but she isn't with us. I know we've been learning a lot about her lately, but its time we put mummy aside for a while."

"Huh?" Elspeth asked, growing increasingly stressed with every syllable he uttered.

"It's time we stop talking so much about mummy, huh? Let's tuck her away in our hearts for a little while, alright Elspeth?"

The little girl started to cry. "No, no I don't wanna put her away! I don't wanna put her away!"

"Oh my love." He hugged her. "Daddy never wanted to put her away." His heart picked up speed rapidly at the memory of watching her be lowered into the ground. "I want her by my side and in my arms, but she's not. You and I are here, alive and well. It's not healthy to dwell on her everyday, she wouldn't want us to. I need you to try to not ask about mummy all the time." He didn't want to say it hurt Daddy but it did. "If not, I'm going to take your locket away for a while." He felt this was cruel but for her own good and didn't know what else to do.

"Nooooo! I'm trying to hard to remember, I don't wanna forget anymore!" She sobbed.

Tears started to roll down Carson's cheeks he had no idea his child was striving to remember something she'd never be able to and it crushed him.

"Mummy knows you were a newborn baby when you saw her last, that you wont ever be able to remember that my girl. But all you have to do to remember your mother, and to make her proud is be you. You may not know it, but just in being you, you keep her memory and her purpose alive for so many other people my darling girl."

Elspeth sobbed as she crawled into her father's lap and he hugged her tight, trying to hide that he was crying too. The ghost Elsie sat on the bed behind her daughter and began to sing.