Ch 8- Penance

Spring 1914

Elsie cringed clutching her bag with one hand as she stared out the bus window into the rain searching desperately for anything that might translate to solace. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, her other hand pressed against flat against belly, feeling something inside no one else knew was there. She could feel it now a distinct little lump. A tear poured down her cheek but she didn't raise a finger to wipe it away. Instead she sat and ruminated, trying to justify it: to make herself alright with what was about to happen. She was about to be ripped away from the one little bit of solace that resided within her, the only thing that was her own.

'Elsie it has to be this way.' She told herself, trying to ensure she didn't start sobbing. 'It's better for you both there's no other way it can be…'

And then there was that man, he could make the difference, but he refused. In fact, he'd put her on the bus that morning leaving her to an uncertain fate.

'There's no other choice Elsie.' He'd said. 'Not for people like us.'

Sure she didn't have choices, not many anyway, but if she had she'd want more than anything to keep this tiny piece of herself, the only bit she was still pleased with and one that would bring her the utmost joy. She tried not to think of where she was going as the bus sped along. She'd heard of these places but had no idea what they were like or how they went about it. She knew it would hurt, that she might die, that this was no solution either.

She shut her eyes tighter, pressing her palm deeper in her gut, feeling the full outline of the lump against her hand. It was not a lump, but a person with a beating heart and her blood coursing through its primitive veins. It was the most precious person in her world the only one left she had any trust for and she was on her way to dispose of it. The way she saw it, life was over. She didn't want to return to Downton alone, empty and heartbroken. She didn't want to return to him: she'd almost rather die.

The bus stopped; lurching suddenly she moved forward in her seat and slammed back suddenly when the driver put the break on.

"Oh!" She cried out, freezing when she realized her arms were tight around her middle. She looked down her heart beating fast everything seemed to pause, in the stillness of the stopped bus. Very suddenly she felt the overwhelming need to throw up. Covering her mouth she pushed passed everyone and ran off the bus.

…

"What do you mean you didn't do it?" He asked, almost offended by her announcement.

"I didn't do it. Unlike you; I couldn't."

The next day came quickly and Elsie gave put up no pretense in telling him her news. She'd decided not to be nervous or cautious with him like she had when she'd first told him. She'd never thought he'd react the way he had or that he wouldn't be over the moon as she had been upon hearing the news. He'd given her no choices and now she'd turn the tables on him and give him no say.

"Mrs. Hughes I…"

Carson did not know what to say. He'd never in his wildest dreams anticipated that this was a possibility.

"I think we need to tell Lady Grantham." He said sternly.

"Oh, tell her what?" She asked. "That you've off and gotten me in a bad way?" She raised an eyebrow, knowing full well he planned on leaving himself out of any explanation that might be given as to Elsie's condition.

He sighed. "Elsie I don't want it this way; I want you with me…"

"Charlie you could've been with me." She said, putting her head down.

He knew what this met and didn't reply for a moment. It was over and that had never been his intent.

"Elsie…"

"I'm not doing all of the talking." She agreed to go upstairs with him.

…

"Excuse me?" Cora asked, putting down her needlepoint, shocked at Mrs. Hughes' news. "I'm sorry it's quite a shock."

"I know, m'lady."

Cora watched Mrs. Hughes, tears in her eyes as she put her head down in shame. She noted that Carson stood behind her stiff and staring straight ahead and looked between the two for a moment.

"Carson?" She asked.

"Yes my lady?"

"Do you know anything about this?"

"He does." Elsie couldn't help but speak up.

"M'lady…" Carson hesitated.

"He's the father." She confessed, tears pouring down her cheeks. She felt it right to say it. He deserved it more than she.

"I see." Cora believed her instantly.

She was floored, the whole thing seemed so uncharacteristic of Carson, and at the same time, she'd never disbelieve Mrs. Hughes on such a score, especially when she was obviously so crushed. Married and a lady, she couldn't imagine what it would feel like to be used and obviously betrayed in this way. It would take a long time and a lot of pain on everyone's part for Carson's and Cora to be alright with each other again.

"I understand if you would like me to leave, m'lady. I am keeping my baby, I don't know how but its what I must do. Please just give me a reference of some kind so I can give my little one some kind of life."

Cora could tell that Carson was angry now in the way he looked at the housekeeper from his place behind her and she did not like it. Elsie seemed afraid to move even to breathe.

"Mrs. Hughes." Cora told her, her tone stern at first, causing Elsie to hang her head lower. "You will always, always be welcome to stay here."

Carson and Elsie looked up in surprise at the same time.

"M'lady?" Elsie asked, not believing she could've heard her right.

"Yes. You and your baby are more than welcome to stay Mrs. Hughes. Although I could understand why you might not want to."

"No." Elsie dried her tears. "No I'll stay if I may m'lady. I like my place here, and I have Mrs. Patmore and Anna to help with the baby."

"And you have my full support." Cora smiled, watching Carson's face go white as a sheet.

"M'lady if I may. I was hoping to perhaps take some of my leave to go and see my sister while I'm expecting I need to get a way for a while."

"Take all the time Mrs. Hughes. I couldn't imagine what you're going through."

"Elsie." He protested, trying to grab her arm when they left the room.

"Don't touch me!" She cried, shaking herself off of him.

"Elsie I…"

"No! Don't crawl back to me I won't take you back!" She started sobbing, pushing him away. "Look what you tried to make me do! You tried to make me get rid of our child. You tried to make me kill our baby! Our baby!" She slapped him on the arm. "Get away from me, and stay the hell away from my child!"

…

November 1919

It was his penance. Day in and day out. Up at dawn, at work till dusk and Daddy every moment in between. It was work that never stopped, joy he did not deserve and a price he never stopped paying. There was something distinct about every tear, every smile, every kiss on the cheek given by his little girl that made him think deeply on his Elsie and what he'd done to her: how he'd destroyed her and broken her heart. Elsie was never the same again after the day she left and sometimes, when he looked at his daughter it was like watching a ghost, his happy Elsie, long gone now, her spirit living on in this precious little thing she'd left him alone with. Sometimes he was sure she'd done it maliciously. She'd never come back, but here she was loving him still.

"Daddy. I'm ready to go!" Elspeth said cheerily, coming down the stairs.

"Are you my little love?" He smiled helping her with her coat and boots.

It was cold and he put a little cap on her head before they went outside. He picked her up again, putting her on his shoulder as they began their walk to Downton.

"Daddy?" She asked excitedly, swinging her legs so they hit his chest just a bit.

"Yes my love?"

"Can we celebrate Auntie Cora's holiday?" She inquired.

"Thanksgiving?" He wasn't sure that's what she'd met.

"Uh-huh!" She squeaked, clapping a bit.

"Hmmm it depends on what you have in mind, Elspeth. Daddy will think about it."

"Daddy what are you thankful for?" She asked.

They paused as they walked by the cemetery. Neither of them spoke, Elspeth especially careful not to mention her mother: she didn't want her necklace taken away.

"Hi Mummy." He heard her whisper. The little girl waived at the cemetery. He elected not to acknowledge it.

"You." He said. "I'm very thankful for you, Elspeth Carson." Carson kissed his daughter's cheek, putting her down once they got to Downton. He watched her for a moment, just thinking of her name, it was why he'd named her that. All was made right in her name: Elspeth Carson, who her mother should've been.

"I'm thankful for you too Daddy." She looked up at him, her eyes sparkling.

Carson blinked, for a moment, he saw Elsie, not Elspeth.

"Have a good day my little girl." He smiled, sending her off to Mrs. Patmore's kitchen. He watched her walk away for a moment, parting with her in the morning reminded her of how he and Elsie would meet and part many times during the day.

"I am the most thankful for her my Elsie, the most thankful." He whispered bittersweetly, putting his head down. He didn't see the ghost Elsie come and stand beside him, looking at him carefully as he started to cry. "But I remain so thankful for you and every moment I ever spent with you, I'm only sorry I wasted so many of them." The words barely left his lips as Elsie's ghost brushed his lips with hers. He paused a moment looking up, for the first time thinking he saw what was really there.