Ch 8- This Is How I See You
Despite how wonderful her fifth birthday had been, Elspeth Carson didn't know how grand a birthday gift could be until she received Lady Mary's present several weeks later. The little girl had been upset when Anna took Mrs. Patmore that morning and put her in the riding habit she'd previously resisted. No one knew that the precocious child had made an appointment and was expecting Mrs. Crawley to pay her a visit any hour.
"What is it?" She asked, squinting when Anna placed the riding helmet atop her head. She didn't like it. It always slid down her face just a bit and covered her eyes to where she couldn't see very well at all.
"Lady Mary has a present for you, but it's in the stable." Anna explained, taking her hand.
Elspeth had wondered why she hadn't received a gift from her godmother on the occasion of her birthday when even her deceased mother had managed one but she disliked Mary enough to where she didn't even care.
Elspeth held on to her helmet with one hand and Anna's hand with the other, trying as best as she could to keep up with her. As expected, Mary was waiting for them in the middle of the stable, wearing a habit identical to Elspeth's. The child was surprised and a bit resentful when Anna left her there without another word save a squeeze of her hand.
"What do you think?" Mary asked, smiling up at a big white and brown horse whose reigns she held tightly.
Elspeth wasn't really sure. She didn't like riding very much and wanted to return to the kitchen.
"He's nice." She said simply, reaching out to pet the horse's nose.
"It's a she and she's yours." Mary informed, satisfied with what she thought was an incredible present.
Elspeth paused taken aback by the gesture. Years would pass before she realized that Mary was trying her best to make amends, to put forth an effort that showed she really cared. Elspeth marveled at the gift, unsure as to what she truly thought.
"Can I name her?" She asked.
"Of course."
"I don't know though… I don't think she'll fit in my room."
Mary laughed and bent down to pick the child up. "Don't be silly, she'll live here with all of the other horses, but she will be your horse for many years to come, now what's her name?"
Elspeth looked back at the horse from her place in Mary's arms, recognizing that the animal had a kind spirit and a sweet face, it seemed to want to get to know her if that were possible. She reached out to pet it, as she studied the horse, noting she was predominantly brown with some large white patches that reminded her somehow of tartan (although they really didn't look like tartan).
"Argyll." She replied confidently.
…..
Elspeth loved her mother so that she would name her brand new horse after her birthplace. Even Mary picked up on the reference and considered the bitter sadness in it all as the two rode out side by side. The Lady watched the child as she rode, seeming to command the horse with the slightest moves. She knew the girl didn't really fancy riding that she feared it a bit and she thought that that was a shame, because she was a natural at it, especially for a young child who hadn't been riding on her own very long.
But it was more than that. Elspeth couldn't see.
'It's all a shame.' Mary thought it might even be a waste. It was why she reached out: she didn't want it to be a waste. 'A perfectly lovely, capable child whose heart its totally broken, whose blinded by her heartache. If anyone ever needed their mother, surely it was this child.'
Mary was not the most considerate human to ever walk the planet, but she saw something in Elspeth no one else did, that her mother was consuming her, her fierce loyalty keeping her from recognizing things about herself, things that were uniquely Elspeth: like the fact that she could be a champion equestrian if given the opportunity. And Mary wanted to give her that opportunity.
Mary didn't necessarily like the realizations that accompanied this thought. Perhaps she could learn something from Elspeth's fierce respect of and loyalty to a mother she'd never know? Mary recognized that she had all the loyalty in the world, loyalty to family, a title and most of all to Downton. But her consideration of Elspeth and her attitudes made her realize that maybe, like the child, her own loyalties were holding her back from happiness and self-realization.
Perhaps turning Matthew down when she did was obsessive, a bit like naming your horse after your deceased mother's birthplace. Even so, Mary carried on, deciding it was time to discuss another sensitive topic with the child, one she'd brought up before in error.
"Elspeth I ... I wanted to apologize." She began.
"Oh?"
"Yes. About your father." Mary swallowed, nervously searching the child's eyes as she reached out and gently grabbed Argyll's reigns, stopping both horses high on a hill that overlooked the abbey. "I should never have told you that your father would die one day it was not my place." She said, the child looked down sadly. "It happens to everyone you know, one day it will be my turn and yours too. It'll be a long time from now." She tried to convince. "All of it. But please, take the horse and the riding and know I never mean you anything but good Elspeth."
…
One day, Elspeth would look back and see Mary's actions as loving, generous and quite like how she and Mrs. Crawley had tried to be. The little girl went back to Mrs. Patmore's kitchen with a slightly different attitude after her lesson.
"Lady Mary says I have talent." She said, excited as Beryl tied the little girl's tiny apron around her waist. "Auntie, what's that?"
"Oh my love it means you're really good at something." She said, kissing her cheek.
Beryl was a little jealous; she didn't want to loose her child to Lady Mary or anyone else. All this talk of Mary, and horses and Mrs. Crawley paying her a visit (she didn't believe that last part) made her nervous. Still, Elspeth happily went back to her unofficial kitchen job, something she was also quite good at.
"Elspeth." Mrs. Patmore raised an eyebrow. An hour had passed and she was floored when she received a message from upstairs. "It would seem you have a guest. Mrs. Crawley's upstairs for you."
"Oh!" Elspeth was happy to hear it she jumped up out of her chair and ran out of the room before Mrs. Patmore could protest.
"That girl." She shook her head. "What will she be up to next?"
…
"Tea please Thomas?" Elspeth asked, sequestering her guest in the small library before demanding, in the kindest way possible, to be served.
Thomas raised an eyebrow, wondering where the child got the nerve to even ask such a thing, not realizing that Cora had given her permission given that the little girl was entertaining a member of the family. When Thomas closed the door, Elspeth climbed onto the couch alongside Isobel, her little feet dangling off the side.
"Your Mr. Grigg can stay with me for the time being." She said. "I've already made the arrangements."
"Oh?!" The child marveled.
"I'm sorry Mrs. Crawley, did you just say the name of a Mr. Grigg?" Carson asked, coming into the room with tea on a tray.
He'd been surprised to hear Thomas inform that his little girl was upstairs ordering tea for herself and a guest and had decided to see it for himself, finding it more than improper.
"Uh-oh." Elspeth whispered.
"Why yes." Isobel said honestly, putting her hand kindly on Elspeth's shoulder. "I did."
The little girl had wanted to help the downtrodden man without her father finding out. She was mortified and afraid because she knew she'd been disobedient. In an instant, she wanted to sink into the couch cushions and fade away.
"Your lovely little girl let me know he needed help… knowing I like to help people in need." She covered.
"Did she?" Carson questioned, looking down at Elspeth who lowered her head, almost in shame.
"I think she's very admirable, don't you Carson?" Isobel asked, taking the little girl and putting her on her lap.
"A bit too admirable if you ask me." He said sharply, raising his eyebrow.
Isobel was growing a tad weary, knowing she may've overstepped her bounds where the child's father was concerned, but that she was honoring the legacy of its mother.
"Daddy I sorry." She bit her lip, her eyes welling with tears.
Elspeth didn't truly fear her father. But her will to help this man had been stronger than her real fear: of dishonoring the father she loved desperately. Isobel said nothing and gave the girl her sleeve to use to dry her eyes.
"But…" The girl began. "But daddy, daddy people helped us when we needed help when I was a baby, and when we still need help." She hiccupped.
Carson sighed, grappling with his combined anger and amusement. He didn't know what to say first or how to say it.
'Reminds you of someone, doesn't it Charlie?' Ghost Elsie asked almost flirtatiously, whispering in his ear. She crossed the room and sat next to her daughter and Isobel. Elspeth could see her out of the corner of her eye and almost jumped.
Carson sighed. "Elspeth we will discuss this later, Mrs. Crawley thank you for your kindness in caring for Mr. Grigg and in your deliberations with my overzealous little girl. I insist you bill me for his stay with you."
"No, no please Carson I insist that…" Isobel began.
"No, no. I insist. Please."
Isobel sighed when Carson left the room. "I suppose he's not too mad, I wouldn't worry. You've done the right thing." She said to the child, noting her eyes still glued to the couch next to them.
The little girl clutched Isobel's arm gently, needing the comfort from her hug.
"What is it my love?" She whispered, knowing the child must need comfort.
"Mrs. Crawley I see my mummy." She whispered.
Isobel looked down shocked at the child's accusation and pressed her hand against her forehead, feeling for a temperature and decided to discuss this with Dr. Clarkson.
…..
Two Weeks Later
Two weeks passed quickly by. At first, Carson had been angry with his daughter for going behind his back and had told Mrs. Patmore not to supply her with dessert for several days. But his heart had softened by the time that Mrs. Crawley had announced she'd found a job for his former friend in Dublin. Reluctantly, he'd decided to accompany Mrs. Crawley and his little girl to the train station to see him off.
"I've changed my ways." He promised Carson. "I know you'll never forgive me, but I'm not the same man you knew. Either way, I'll never forget the kindness of your late Elsie who saved me once before, so long ago."
Elspeth tilted her head, her eyes widening in surprise. Mummy had saved Mr. Grigg?
"And I'll certainly never forget the kindness of Mrs. Crawley or of your wee lass." Grigg took the liberty of bending down to Elspeth's level. "You are your mother and a good soul, and I could never thank you enough sweet child. Please when you grow up, I hope you're still just like your mummy it'd do the world a whole lot of good Miss Carson."
Elspeth was more confused now and almost wanted to cry. 'How come everyone, even strangers, knew mummy but me?'
Elspeth stayed with Isobel as Carson walked him closer to the train, reluctantly discussing their past. Carson reminded him that never was a long-time and finally made amends with him, shaking his hand. In that instant, Elspeth's bold action became not just something that changed Grigg's life, but brought healing to Carson's heart from a friendship long ago destroyed.
Carson knew this in an instant and returned to Isobel's side, placing his daughter atop his shoulders.
"Mrs. Crawley, thank you for helping me help people." She said as the train rolled away.
"It was my pleasure Elspeth darling." She said, kissing her cheek. "I think in the future though, we should probably seek daddy's approval?" She voiced, meaning in some way to apologize to Carson for overstepping her bounds.
"No, no." Carson said. "Mrs. Crawley you're a wonderful judge, and so is my Elspeth's little heart."
Part of the way home they parted with Mrs. Crawley and Carson made a turn in a strange direction.
"Daddy where are we going?"
"I'm taking you for ice cream." He said.
"Daddy mad no more?"
Carson laughed. "No. Your daddy is so proud. So very proud and so… relieved." He was relieved because he knew now, without a doubt the woman she'd become whether or not be around to see it. She would be wonderful and make him and Elsie so proud: she'd live on for them. He prayed quietly he would see it. And see it he would.
"You did the right thing my Elspeth. You helped Mr. Grigg, and you helped daddy do the right thing too and…" Carson sighed, not knowing how to say this. He took Elspeth off of his shoulders, placing her on her feet. He wanted to look into her little eyes when he said it.
"Mr. Grigg is right about you. I hope very much as you grow, that you grow into your mother but I know that in here." Carson's eyes welled with tears as he pointed at Elspeth's heart. "In here you are just like mummy. In everyway already." Carson's heart broke at the thought that she kept Elsie alive. But it was true.
"Mrs. Crawley was right? Mummy would be proud?"
"She told you that?"
"Hmhmm." She nodded.
"Yes." He smiled, tucking her hair behind her ears, letting the precious strands of his baby's hair flow gently through his fingers, feeling so blessed to have her as his child, as the only thing in his world.
'If you were to only have one thing in life, what a thing to have.'
Carson knew in that instant that he and his child would be all right.
"Daddy is very proud and addition fairly amused. When you… when you angered about Mr. Grigg, knowing the better thing to do, that was very much like mum as well."
Elspeth giggled. In that instant, Carson knew time was passing: they were suddenly able to think about mummy and laugh.
"Come along my wee lass." He said, putting her back on his shoulders. "I think we both need the ice cream."