Chapter 5

It's because...

Ressler led them to another room of the hotel. He asked the other agent to watch at the front door while Red asked Dembe to do the same.

"Look," Ressler started, threw a serious look to Liz and Red, "You – and Reddington – can't be here long. I didn't expect that they knew you had met me and followed you afterwards. There's a mole in my side here – for sure – and we've found him – thanks to you. But they didn't get you, so –"

"Ressler, stop." Liz interrupted him. "Who are they? Why now you also hide something from me?" she demanded without hiding the hurt in her voice.

A guilt was written over Ressler's face for a moment before he answered with his deep voice, clear and bold,

"Keen, we don't have time for this. Reddington will explain the detail. The point is –someone higher, within our defence system, is going after Red through you. This person worked for our enemy –outside this country. He's also connected to the Blacklister you're after. I've been in undercover mission for almost a year now, and not sure whether my cover is still intact. So, I need to finish my job and so do you."

Liz glared at him in silence, there's an inner fight between confronting him again or just dropping the matter for the sake of job – or national security – so to say.

"I'll wait outside." Red said, breaking the tension.

"Fine. I'll go." Liz finally said without moving her eyes from him.

Ressler let a relieved breath pass his lungs, dropped his eyes.

However Liz called for his attention again by saying, "Just so you know how dissapointed I am and ask myself – what happens to Donald Ressler I've known – the only person who once had always been honest to me."

He didn't expect she would say in that way. Cold eyes looking at him sharply. Words came out just like that. Felt like a knife strucked his gut then twisted it.

'All this time – what does she think he's been doing?'

He wanted to let it drop. 'It's for her. It's always been. But he had dropped many arguments before. Things he should have said but he didn't. Things he should have fought but he let go. Almost always for the same reason. Dropped or fought. For the same reason. So, be it.

"You happened." He said almost inaudible when Liz headed for the door.

Liz stopped on her track, then turned around to face him. "What?"

"You happens." He repeated more firmly this time.

Liz's eyes were a mixture between confused and concerned, slightly demanded for more explanation.

Then he realized something and the old wound was back.

"So, it's ok for you to hide something from me and not ok for me to do the same?" He shook his head. "Can't believe you, Keen."

Liz's eyes grew bigger, then looked sad.

"So, this is all about payback?" she asked. Her voice was low. "I thought you'd said you're over it." She added.

"Oh, yes, I was! I thought I got over you!" He said bitterly.

Liz flinched. He also winced after realizing what he'd said.

She probably got hurt, but he surprised he didn't care, and continued, "Until you suddenly showed up and everything was coming back flooding my mind."

"Ressler –" she tried to calm him down. He just knew from her gesture.

"No!" He stepped back.

"You want me to say it why, I'll say it!" His voice raised sharply. "It's because I don't want to feel that again – your death and funeral. It's real for me, Keen! Also your tendency to almost got killed because of your nonsense decisions. Since Connoly shooting, how many times I have to see your life always on the edge? With the Russians, Solomon, Kirk, then this night. I can go on and on to include the past – not to mention your ex-husband – since we first met. But you," He paused, catching his breath, "You just didn't care... you don't know how much you meant to us, to Red, Aram, –"

He paused again, 'to me'. He took the air again, to regain control for himself. 'What's the point to say it now?' But his heart was hurt like hell.

"Just how many times, Liz?" He repeated. "How much it takes you to realize that I –" He inhaled deeply. "That I –"

He stopped himself then, desperate. 'Why is it always hard for him to say directly to her? What's wrong with him?!'

He found Liz's arms enveloped him around his waist, felt her head stayed on his chest, like she's listening to his chaotic heart beats. He wanted to fight her. But he couldn't. He felt so tired. Slowly, he gave up again. He let her held him. He breathed in and out as calmly as she did. Felt his erratic heart rhythm was slowly back to regular. Slowly put his hands on her back, holding her back. Silently wishing the moment just stop right there. It was a rare moment in their life after all.

"I know that you care about me so much." He heard Liz said softly. "And I'm always grateful for what you do. But I believe you know that in our line of work, anything can happen, especially if you're connected with Reddington. I care about you too, Ress. That's the only reason I showed up. I know that you've been undercovered. I know that you almost got killed two months ago."

Ressler's heart stopped for a second, and he took a look at her face, clearly surprised, found her watery, yet beautiful blue eyes looked back at him. No secret, just a plain honesty.

"I tracked you with Aram's help after accidentally knew about contact between Red and you." She continued.

"Liz..." he trailed off, didn't know what to say.

"How about we promise each other, that there will be no more secret between us?" She offered.

Ressler couldn't help himself, raised his right hand to her face, while his left hand still around her waist. His tumb wiped away her single tear that's escaped.

"I promise." He said seriously.

Liz started to smile, opened her mouth to say her promise.

"It happens that I do love you so much." He blurted out softly, while put some of her hairs that framed her face behind her right ear.

Liz's eyes shot up opened.

"Ressler –" she said, completely forgot what she wanted to say before.

Ressler put his index finger to her lips, stopped her, then slowly lowered his head, carefully kissed her. Gently. It was soft but brief.

'I missed you so much, Keen'. His heart cried out, but he's scared he couldn't control himself if he voiced all his feelings out.

"You still need to go." He sniffed after the kiss, started to let go his hand from her, stepped back.

Liz protested.

"Please, Liz."

"I love you, too." Liz said, her tears were back. She launched herself to kiss him. Hard. He didn't back away. Accepted her. Accepted everything. And responded. It was his dream after all.

When their kisses ended, they're out of breath, and their foreheads were on one another, he said to her in his most earnest.

"I promise – after this is all over, I'll come to you." He said between his erratic breath.

Liz shook his head. "This is not fair..." she said breathlessly.

"Just go now with Red and promise me to try best to keep safe."

Liz sobbed then looked at him. "I promise. Please you do the same."

Ressler felt heart broken just by looking at her defeated face.

He only nodded, then stunned because Liz kissed him again. It started so sudden and ended so abruptly he couldn't response. Then she's gone.