Chapter 18
A/N: Lots to say: First, once again formatting clogged my initial posting attempt. Thanks for all your patience, yes FF is a PITA. This chapter has unnecessary verbiage that clogs the story line….but the info may help a reader now or in the future.
Second, I was not going to orphan this story….so many here on FF/JE they are never finished.
Third, My Muse ran off with Lester and his Lady…..you'll see in a new story. The Muse has also been playing with an often requested update to Devastation and another Tank gets the girl story.
Joe is still alive here, sore, but still alive.
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It was now 20 months since Stephanie Plum ceased to exist. Michelle was negotiating the traffic down 93 to the Haywood office as she thought about the last year and a half.
Was she happy as Michelle? What all had she learned? The list was long: Self-respect, confidence, poise, recognize problems and formulate solutions before she was covered in garbage, taxidermist foam, or any of the other mishaps. Did she miss spaghetti in her hair, jelly doughnut goo on her t-shirts, unmentionable stuff covering her body, black eyes, split lips, torn jeans? No, those were Stephanie Plum's problems. Another thing she didn't miss was feeling she must constantly apologize to her mother, Joe, and the Burg. She was the normal one, everyone else was NUTS! But was she happy?
What she had learned from Tank, the Rangeman men and the therapist Bobby brought in was happiness doesn't come with the end of pain or crisis. Nor can happiness occur when pain or crisis is present. Instead we must prepare ourselves and look for happiness, not wait for it to fall in our laps.
First we must let go of what scares us and the judgment. Fear is human and can be controlled, but irrational fear must be overcome. Strangely she knew Ranger's fear; her being killed or injured because of his life. Defining her own fears were harder; rejection and loss of self were the topmost. As for judgement, boy between Dickie, Joyce, Mar, Joe, her mother and the Burg, she had been buried in judgement. Why did she let it bother her? The answer was simple, because of her lack of self-confidence.
Happiness isn't assured; the pursuit of happiness lies in the ability to let control our fears, enough to experience the present moment, unencumbered by judgment. Happiness wasn't going to cure her problems; happiness would be the result of controlling her problems.
Michelle remembered Tank's teachings in the cold north. "Life is filled with ups and down. We often forget the ups and dwell on the downs, wallowing in the abyss. We must be prepared, not just for what may immediately happen, but will be unavoidable; illness, old age and death. It will happen to us but also to the people around us, the people we love. Rather than be caught off guard, we need to prepare ourselves for the anguish but not let the anguish control us. It is the only way we can climb back out." She remembered wondering how much anguish he had endured through his life and how his gruff exterior actually hid a very caring person.
The Big Man also taught her physical and moral pain need not destroy life. If your inner being is sound, then the external is easier to endure and recover. Tank hinted this is why he returned to the Church.
Happiness does not come because one wishes it. This was always a problem for her, her day dreams, wishes for mother's love, a job that paid all her bills, a committed relationship, respect, and on and on. They were dreams but she did nothing to obtain them.
How many times did Ranger offer her better paying jobs inside Rangeman where her skills were suited, but she turned it down as being boring or loss of her independence? Or she had something to prove to whom? Her family? Joe? The Burg? Or herself? How often did Ranger say he was not into committed relationships but was willing to continue their friendship with benefits? She had allowed her mother-Helen into her head insisting Stephanie must be a wife and mother. Why would she bother with wife if motherhood was nowhere on the playing field; not with Joe or Ranger? Or did she want her mother's bland life of clean windows and dry pot roasts?
Happiness comes by cleaning out one's cluttered closet and let judgment and emotions to flow free in and out. Thoughts are not actions; they are chemical reactions in the brain. The key is to maintain the even flow in and out, we can't prevent entry but we can keep the door open to let them flow out again. When we act upon or allow the thoughts to get caught like flotsam in our brain that is where problems begin. Logismoi Tank called it, some Greek term.
Is happiness the total pursuit of pleasure? How many Ben and Jerrys or Boston Creams has she consumed in pursuit of pleasure? Thankfully they were her only vices. What damage would she have done with gambling, alcohol, or sports addiction? When consumed to excess there was no lasting pleasure and sometimes suffering; the gambler's empty pockets to where the family suffers, the alcoholic's failing health, the sports addict putting family behind the addiction. Happiness comes with joy, emotional positive joy, but also the absence of suffering. Michelle realized she had to be mentally and spiritually strong enough to endure pain, judgment, fear before she could experience happiness. Going to church with Tank, Ella, Luis or Manny has helped.
So where has she discovered happiness? She found it in her neutrality, between pleasure and pain. The point of letting go, not struggling, losing one's ego; the "I" need or "I" want, or "I" must have is allowed to float away. Logismoi. By tearing down the ego-centric desires, she relaxed and experienced life in the moment. It was like perpetually being at Point Pleasant watching and listening to the waves.
When Michelle let go of her need for her mother's love, the need to show people she was not her mother's disastrous daughter, the need to show she's not Morelli's train wreck, she didn't need to constantly have a man in her life or bed and instead concentrated on creating a stable person who set priorities of job, shelter, health then her life began to simplify and she found happiness in accomplishments and friendships. From there she began giving of herself, to Charlie's daughter, to the women's shelter, to the local food bank. She may still be a lousy cook, but she can pack a food donation box and deliver it to those in need. She still comforts ill or injured Rangeman and now fills in for them at work, no compensation.
And with the simplification, or actually the untying of the knots that bound her, happiness has come in. She loves her job, never before could she say that. She is good and always working to get better. Her clients see her concern for them and her competency; they in turn greet her with warmth and sincerity often inviting her to social functions. She has not wasted her money on clothes and jewelry. Her clothes closet is not cluttered with shoes seen on sale at Macy's. Her physical and mind clutter were gone. She felt free and if needed she could fly. Actually she did fly with Lester from a hang glider up by East Orange. She wondered if Ranger would go hang gliding.
Ranger? Her mind snapped awake. Where was her relationship with him heading? She found herself wanting to move to the next level but was he yet on the same plane? At least he mentioned he was working in that direction. That was progress, of sorts. Right now, though, Ranger and relationships would have to continue to simmer as she was at the Haywood Street office. Today she would be interviewing two women as one might replace her in Princeton. After reading both resumes, both she and Tank might end up out of a job as both women appeared, on paper, to be excellent prospects.
"Hey Michelle, what's with the big smile?" Bink asked as she entered the Rangeman building.
"I get to see you and my Rangeman brothers. You all put a smile on my face, well, maybe not Lester."
Bink laughed and waved as he headed into the parking garage.
She sat in what was once Ranger's office but now was totally Tank's; new furniture, different neutral colors and pictures of his cats on his desk. Yes, Tank needed a woman.
She flipped through the files: Erika was a tall blond from Minnesota. She served 10 years in the Army National Guard, saw two tours overseas, but not in a female engagement unit. Her degree was in business marketing.
Cyrene was a dark skin former Marine major; three tours in the Middle East; combat, wounded now had a prosthetic leg. Her degree was in business operations.
Tank sighed, "It may take two women to replace you."
"Yeah, right," she scoffed.
"Neither one covers everything you do, together they don't cover what you do nor I'm sure either is qualified for 5th floor."
"Don't prejudge Obi Wan Kanobe."
Tank chuckled, "You mean I can't be Darth Vader for the interviews?"
She smiled, "The Marine will love it." Her mind flashed, "Did Ranger and Tank have this casual interaction?"
Both women interviewed well. Erika was up front about being a lesbian and would not be put off by working around all the men. After all, she was raised with five brothers, no sisters. Cyrene had the no-nonsense attitude of a Marine. Though her degree was in business, Michelle was having trouble seeing her dealing with new clients, she lacked…empathy.
Both had been encouraged to bring clothes for physical and weapons testing. At the end of our session we were all rather sweaty. After quick showers we changed into black Rangeman t-shirts before going for lunch. Time was limited so we opted for a Burg location. Lester suggested Pino's and I almost vetoed it but figured, it's been eighteen months, why not? I wasn't missing the meatball sub, just Pino himself.
Lester caught my uneasiness, "Is Mitch joining us?"
"Oh, I hope not."
Erika got the meatball sub, on my suggestion, Cyrene and Lester ordered a pie to split and I channeled my inner Ranger and got a salad with chicken breast.
Lester laughed, "Remaining undercover?"
The two women didn't understand and she wasn't in the mood to explain.
Lester was not being his usual lecherous self of old, but actually almost business like, but he slipped a few times. He knew he was dead meat with Erika but curious about Cyrene. I sat and watched; being an observer can be fun.
Suddenly Lester's eyes narrowed and whispered quietly, "Aw shit, Morelli walked in." Les looked at me and saw Mitch the Bitch in ascension, "You cannot shoot him. We've got to let him hang himself."
Les was facing the door. Morelli could see only profiles of Erika and Cyrene, and an unknown back. In the meantime Les filled Erika and Cyrene in on the highlights of the low-life now known as Morelli. "Former TPD detective, got himself fired for moral and drug issues, used to be boyfriend of Michelle, now screwing himself with the mob, county and state government and probably the FBI at some point."
Both women looked at Michelle, "Welcome to Chambersburg, the district time and sanity fucked over."She reached into her pocket and pulled out reflective sunglasses as Morelli was angling towards the table.
"Santos, Rangeman hiring Dykes on Bikes? These three look like they could give you quite a work out."
Before Morelli continued Michelle spoke up, "This is Marine Major Cyrene Green, this is Army Sergeant Erika Petersen, show some respect douche bag."
"And who are you?" He looked down not recognizing Michelle with my short hair on the sides, curls on the top, and chiseled face. OK, a red rinse made the color a rich auburn. It wasn't Bozo orange as a previous excursion into hair madness.
She lowered my sunglasses and let her blue eyes bore into him, "Your worst nightmare Morelli."
"Cupcake?"
She wanted to pull her weapon and rid the world of the Morelli curse but didn't want to spend the rest of her life in jail because of this filth. Using a very low voice, she said, "I told you over a year ago never to call me that or so help me I'll rip your boys off. Leave asshole before I decide which one I'll remove first."
Morelli huffed up in defiance so with lightning speed Mitch, not Michelle,I had his privates in hand and gave a good "grab, yank, and twist" and uttered, "Maybe both at the same time."
Morelli gasped and backed off. He finally uttered, "God damn Army bitch" before walking out of the restaurant.
Lester folded his hands and placed his elbows on the table. His eyes were sparkling and there was a big smile, "Ladies, say hello to Mitch the Bitch."
Eddie Gazarra, appeared out of nowhere, "Steph…Michelle," he said laughing. "The last time I saw you in here was two Valentine's Days ago and you dropped that figlio di puttana to the floor holding his jewels. Things never change. You still go for the prize."
After introducing now TPD Detective Eddie Gazarra to Erika and Cyrene she asked if she could speak to him privately. "Eddie, what I'm going to tell you is preliminary, the investigation is early, but Joe may have crossed over to the Family side."
When she finished Eddie was shaking his head, "We've been getting intel from the county. I was going to come to Rangeman in the next few days to talk with Tank or Lester. I didn't know you were working for Rangeman. So far the FBI isn't too interested. I can't imagine Grizzoli letting it get to that point."
As we finished talking two big Rangeman, Ram and Hal moved into Pinos and stood by the door.
"Escorts?"
"Yep, we have two unarmed civilians here and a very sore Morelli out there," Lester chuckled.
Erika looked a bit pale, Cyrene looked pissed she wasn't armed. At least one would become a Rangewoman.
After consulting with Charlie, Les and Tank as well as Bobby, they came to the conclusion, Charlie would take over Michelle's district; Princeton and east, Erika would work western Mercer County and our lady Marine, Cyrene would be hired for the Haywood office for both administration and back up support.
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It was the night before Tank and Michelle would take their dog and pony show to Boston for a week, more if needed. The evening before we left Ranger invited me out to dinner at a fancy place in Princeton.
"I'm going to miss you."
"This is quite the reverse. It was usually you leaving on a mission."
"It's been a roller coaster year and half Babe. Right now I'm fighting an internal struggle, keep you here or join you in Boston."
She was horrified, but before she could say anything, he continued, "But I won't. This is your turn to fly. In the past I was the elite soldier, the mercenary, the businessman, but now I must step aside."
"Ranger you were and are my mentor."
"Not always, Tank and the Core Team took over when I couldn't. We are so proud of you."
"You said step aside, are you bowing out of our lives?" The very thought sent panic through her body.
"Quite the opposite; I'd like to become a bigger part of Michelle's life. Babe, I fell in love with you in that tiny diner seven years ago then just a day or two later you called me to uncuff you from your shower rod. You trusted me without knowing me. I was hidden inside Ranger Manoso Bad Ass but you saw right into me. I couldn't let you in, there were Guzman and others, I wasn't going to endanger you because I thought you were weak and unstable."
She couldn't help but laugh out loud, "Unstable…you were right. Not too weak, just headstrong and untrained."
His smile was small but pure, "Unstable wasn't the right word. I'll stop before I dig my grave. It turned out Babe, you had more baggage to clear than I did. Thanks to Tank and the Core Team plus the other Rangeman you have been transformed from the caterpillar, through the chrysalis stage to become a magnificent butterfly. I am in awe of the transformation, but also afraid you'll fly away. I will not clip your butterfly wings. If you have to soar beyond me, my heart will be broken but I'll let you go to the sun."
OK it was time to for sweaty palms, but before she could work up a good shine, he took her hand. "I don't want to chase after you with a net, I want for us to be together wherever we need to go for as long as we have together."
They had only skirted around the marriage idea. "Is this because I'll be traveling to the other three Rangeman offices?"
He was startled with the question and maybe for an instant looked hurt. "No Babe, well not the way you are thinking. I trust you….even with The Deacon. I'm going to miss seeing you but if I know a little bit of me is with you on these trips will help me to remain calm." He pulled out a diamond and sapphire ring, "I would hope you'd glance down at your hand and know there is love, total devoted, committed love, waiting for you."
She didn't know what to say so fell back to the cliché, "There's so much we need to talk about…"
"Is there really? You said you've dismissed the past and so have I. It's gone and can't be undone but we can work on the future. We've talked, dreamed, what more is there to discuss? What happens with Rangeman happens; we are the ones who have to adjust. Babe I haven't made love or had sex with anyone else since the first time with you. You are and have been the only one for me for years, truly the only woman I have ever loved. Only God knows how long I will live, but I want that time in your arms. Will you marry me?"
She looked at the ring, it was about a four-carat sapphire with diamond baguettes on the sides.
"Babe, if you must, think of it as a promissory ring. I want you to pick out your wedding set. You can use this or something entirely different."
She began to nod, "Yes Carlos I accept this ring as an engagement ring. I will marry you. You are the only one I want at my side and in my arms. I have my Rangeman brothers, but you are my mate, my heart, my love, and my best friend."
"Even more than Tank?"
"I believe we have more of an avuncular relationship now."
"I once told him if I died I wanted him to marry you."
"What?!"
"To keep you safe. As you have discovered, he has a very loving heart and in time you two would click. Instead he went beyond my orders and made you Wonder Woman."
She didn't know what to say and just stared at the ring. Yes, Tank deserves a woman, someone better than Lula. He shouldn't end up as the old man with a house full of cats.
"Let me slip it on your finger." Once it was on, he kissed the ring, "I seal my love for you with this ring."
Michelle thought of something, "It's too late, but you should have had a golden rope bezel holding the stone; Wonder Woman's Magic Lasso or the Lasso of Hestia.
Ranger broke into a giant smile and laughed out loud, "We'll do that for the bridal set and make a man's ring as well."
That's right Batman.