A/N: Parvati and Lavender might be OOC but, I dunno...I made them that way. The term Brillo Head is credited to my twin, Jeremy. And Spy Girlz...belongs to me and my friends when I was 10...so embarassing! It was spelled Spy Girls, SG mostly
Breakfast was over and the day sped by quickly. Nothing unusual had happened during the day. Just the usual lessons. It seemed as if the teachers had given more homework than usual today, so after the students had finished, they all went straight to bed. Even Hermione and Malfoy went to their separate rooms as soon as the day was done and fell asleep. Hermione barely talked to Harry and Ron, aside from her outburst at the table, she was so tired. Hermione and Malfoy managed to avoid eachother for the rest of the day, neither one of them being in the mood to argue and insult eachother.
And so it was 11:00 at night, and everyone was asleep.
Everyone except Lavender Brown and Parvati Patil.
It was a well-known fact that the two very girly Gryffindors loved gossip. They would tell anyone who would listen the latest rumors of the day. But lately they had become unsatisfied with the amount of gossip they were able to distribute to the public. They wanted something more. And so Parvati came up with an idea that Lavender said was "Oh My God Parvati, that is so like the best idea ever!".
And Parvati's idea was why they were the only two students not sleeping. And why they were currently sitting in the Room of Requirement.
"Parvati, have you seen how cute Seamus has gotten these days? I'm telling you, that guy is hot with a capital H!" said Lavender excitedly, leaning foward in her armchair that she had thought of. Parvati and Lavender were sitting in a room that was filled with all sorts of high-tech gadgets. Parvati was currently sitting at a large table, examining a gadget that had a large mirror on it. She looked up at Lavender in annoyance.
"Lavender we'll never get this done by morning if we keep discussing boys!" said Parvati.
"You're one to talk Parvati, you spent a half an hour talking about Dean Thomas' new haircut!" said Lavender, glaring at Parvati.
"Well so what? It's a very cute hair cut, I especially like the tiny curls he left out in the front..." said Parvati dreamily.
Lavender snorted. "He looks like a muggle "Brillo" with that hair cut. Brillo head."
Parvati waved her off. "Whatever, Lav. Lets just start looking through this footage." Lavender nodded in agreement, and walked over to the table.
Nobody had ever wondered exactly how Lavender and Parvati got their information. Everyone just assumed they had either made it up, or had heard it from someone. But they were wrong. The girls used all sorts of technological advanced spy gear to eavesdrop on people's conversation. Then they mixed it all up to suit their needs. They called themselves the Spy Girlz. SG for short.
And why waste all that valuable gossip information just by telling a couple people? They had decided to make a newspaper that would give the kids of Hogwarts important gossip, for fun, teasing, or even blackmail. They called it "The Super Secret Files of the Totally Popular Spy Girlz" This would be their first issue, and they were in a rush to print it out by tomorrow morning at breakfast. That way everyone could read it, and they'd become "Even more totally popular than before!".
"Lavender, you do know that when we come out with "The Super Secret Files of the Totally Popular Spy Girlz" tomorrow at breakast we'll become even more totally popular than before?"
"Of course! We'll get even more dates than we usually get!"
"I don't know, I've already got this month's dates in my Spy Girlz Studentz Planner," said Parvati, a bit disappointed.
"Oh. More boys for me then!"
Parvati was concentrating very hard on the gadget with the mirror.
"Um Parvati? Maybe you should stop looking at the Spy Girlz Super Make-up Mirror, and start going through the days gossip with me?"
"But I have to fix my hair! One hair is sort of sticking in the wrong direction, it's a SG hair emergency!" whined Parvati, still obsessively staring at the gadget. Lavender pushed the Spy Girlz Super Make-up Mirror away and brought over what looked like 4 tiny black dots. Lavender tapped her wand on the first dot and it expanded to what looked like the wizard version of a muggle camcorder. The camcorder had "Hufflepuff" written on it in purple script.
The Spy Girlz Personal House Elf Spy taped these tiny black dots under each table in the Great Hall with spell-o-tape. Each of the black dots called Wizardz Automatic Spyz by the Spy Girlz recorded every conversation that was going on at the table. The Hufflepuff WAZ recorded every one of the Hufflepuff's coversations at Breakfast, Lunch, and Dinner. Same goes for the rest of the houses. At the end of each day the Spy Girlz' Personal House Elf Spy planted into the Hogwarts House Elfs by the Spy Girlz' Special Connectionz Peoplez collected each of the WAZ and safely delivered them to the Spy Girlz.
Lavender pointed her wand at the WAZ and said "Specialis Revealo!". A piece of parchment appeared, sliding out of an invisible slot in the WAZ. Parvati looked at it carefully. It had the names of all the Hufflepuff students and arrows connecting them to another person, indicating that a conversation took place. Underneath their names was the topic of the conversation. Parvati and Lavender may have been girly- girls, but that doesn't mean they weren't smart. They had designed all this Spy Gear by themselves.
"Okay, anything good at the Hufflepuff table?" asked Parvati, looking over at Lavender. Lavender laughed.
"Not really. They're talking mostly about the upcoming Hogsmede trip. Then there's the usual school stuff. Oh, and there's one about the sex appeal of Mcgonagall. Francis Weltheimer seems to think that her robe hides a lot of-"
"Stop! I really don't need to know that!" said Parvati, turning green.
Lavender laughed. "Okay, no good on the Hufflepuff table."
"Like usual" Parvati sniffed. They then pulled over the Ravenclaw WAZ. After poring over it for 20 minutes, the girls stopped.
"These Ravenclaws! All they talk about is HW and classes! And what kinds of books they have!" said Parvati, outraged.
"Except for Looney Lovegood. She talks about the Quibbler. And those imaginary creatures of hers." Lavender pointed out.
"Yes, but everyone listens to her crazy talk all the time! It's nothing new and exciting," Parvati said frustratedly.
Lavender nodded in agreement. "I guess we'll do Gryffindor now," she said.
Parvati pushed over the Gryffindor WAZ. Parvati pointed her wand at it and said "Specialis Revealo!" like Lavender did before. The piece of parchment appeared, and Lavender grabbed it.
"Dean had a discussion with Ginny about quidditch," said Lavender, reading the parchment.
"BOring!" Parvati said.
"Neville obsessed over potions, apparently he forgot to do Snape's essay."
"Not good enough!"
"Really Parvati," said Lavender, "How will we get this issue out by morning when everyone is so frickin' boring?"
Parvati shrugged. "True gossipers only gossip the best," said Parvati.
"Oh Parvati, that's so beautiful!
"Yeah, I know it is. Made it up. Let's get back to Gryffindor, shall we?" Lavender skiped Dean and Neville and looked at the rest of the list. She gasped.
"Parvati, wow, I saw some things that are going to blow them away!"
Parvati sat up straight in her chair. "Oh my god, Dean and Seamus were fighting over who gets to date me?"
Lavender glared at her. "Of course not! Everyone who's anyone knows that Dean and Seamus have been after me since first year!
Parvati gave her a dirty look, but didn't comment. "So, who then?" she asked irritably.
"Well..."
Hermione woke up early in the morning, ready to give operation Running-Out-The-Door-Before-Malfoy-Wakes-Up another try. Hermione realized that her mirror was broken and shards of glass were lying all around the room. This could only mean one thing...Malfoy. She was furious to think that Malfoy had actually been in her room, 'That's low, even for him!'. She was less concerned about her mirror, she hadn't liked the stupid thing in the first place. She cleaned the glass up, hopped into the shower, got dressed. She didn't even bother to fix her hair. Grabbing her books, she rushed out of her room, she was almost at the door...
WHAM. She tripped and fell to the ground. Her books scattered all over the room, and her carefully written essay flew into the fireplace, where it burned into ash. 'Noooo! Not my essay!' Hermione's knee was bleeding and it stung badly, but what did she care? Her essay!
She healed her cut with a healing charm, grabbed her books and ran for the door again. She was almost at the door...
And she made it! She then walked quickly to the Great Hall for breakfast. As she opened the door, she realized it got quiet, and everyone was staring at her. She sat down next to Harry, confused.
"Harry, why is everyone staring at me?" she asked. Harry didn't look at her.
"Well, Hermione the thing is that-" he began, but he was cut off by Ron, who hadn't been eating, just staring at some sort of letter he held in his hand.
"Look at this!" Ron shouted angrily, thrusting a newspaper in her hand. The newspaper was purple, with black script.
Hermione took the newspaper and read it:
The Super Secret Files of the Totally Popular Spy Girlz
Your # 1 stop for all gossip, rumors, and blackmail, going on at Hogwarts!
By Parvati Patil and Lavender Brown, Gryffindor
Top stories:
Hermione Granger's secret love pg 1
Draco Malfoy's secret passion pg 2
Other Stories:
Ronald Weasley's obsession pg 3
Dean Thomas and Ginny Weasley: No longer a happy couple pg 4
Other cool stuffz:
Ask the reader pg 5
Are you in love? Take this quiz to find out! pg 5
Polls pg 6
Hermione snorted, throwing down the paper. "The Super Secret Files of the Totally Popular Spy Girlz? That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard! What kind of garbage are you reading, Ron? Why did you order this?"
"Uh, Hermione? Look around for a second," said Harry uncomfortably. Hermione looked up, and she was met with tons of purple newspapers. Everyone seemed to have a copy of the girly newspaper. Hermione looked up at the Headmaster's table. 'Even the teachers! Dumbledore has one, Flitwick, and-wait. Is that Snape?" Snape was currently poring over the purple newspaper, and it looked so out of place in the hands of the potions master. He seemed to be...enjoying it.
Hermione glanced curiously at the newspaper. 'What could be so interesting that Snape would enjoy reading?' She turned to Harry and Ron. Ron was still grumbling. "Ron?" she asked, wondering what could have made him so upset.
"Read it!" he shouted, glaring at her.
"Well, you don't have to shout Ronald!" shouted Hermione.
"Stop shouting, both of you!" shouted Harry.
"Fine, I'll read the stupid paper!" said Hermione, sighing. Ignoring the cover A picture of Lavender and Parvati winking and smiling, she flipped open to page 1.
Hermione Granger's secret love
By Parvarti Patil and Lavender Brown.
No longer will there be the age old question "Does Hermione Granger like Ron Weasley or Harry Potter?" because we, the Spy Girlz have discovered Hermione's true love. Draco Malfoy of Slytherin.
Now, you might say "How is that possible? She's a Gryffindor, and he's a Slytherin! Everyone knows they hate eachother!" but we, the totally popular Spy Girlz have discovered the truth.
Yesterday at breakfast, Harry Potter asked the simple question of "How was tutoring with Malfoy?" For anyone who doesn't know, Hermione has Malfoy as her partner for the House Unity Project. We think that the House Unity Project is a load of crap and it will never work, but that is a another story. Anyone might think that Hermione is very upset that Malfoy is her partner, but we, the totally popular Spy Girlz, know better.
Harry's innocent question got a very non-innocent answer. According to our very reliable source, Hermione raged on and on, but then at the end, reluctantly admitted that he was higher and mightier than her, that his hair looked better than hers, that he was the second smartest student in the whole school, and she loved the way he smirked. She then went on to say that he is a bastardly person, but she didn't care because she loved him so much. She even agreed that she was a m nasty name for a muggleborn. She also hinted to some sort of incident that happened during tutoring the night before see page 2 for the 411
Harry was quite overwhelmed by her steamy confession of love, and was speechless the rest of the day.
We Spy Girlz were very shocked to hear that bookworm of Hogwarts had fallen for the hot bad boy from Slytherin. She is always burried in her books that we thought she had never seen the hotness of the guys at Hogwarts, except her two best friends, Harry and Ron. To tell the truth, Harry Potter is considerably hot, but Ronald Weasley just doesn't compare to Harry or Malfoy. We always thought that Hermione would eventually be a boring librarian, but now we both agree that she has potential.
We have spoken to some girls of Hogwarts, to see what they thought of Hermione and Malfoy.
"She doesn't deserve him, that ugly ! How dare she even think of his total hotness! She's not worthy of the sex god of Slytherin," cried a Martina Davis, a 6th year Slytherin.
"Personally, I was wondering when she'd get around to notice Malfoy. I mean, he's evil and all, but just take a look at him! So sexy!" said Ginny Weasley, one of our fellow Gryffindors and sister to Ronald Weasley.
"Well, I dunno about Hermione and Draco," said Luna Lovegood dreamily, resident Looney of Hogwarts Ravenclaw, "I don't know why she's getting all caught up about him. Usually she's so level-headed and brainy, this just isn't very like her. I dunno Lavender, maybe she has Wurtlehoppers in her brain, controlling her every move with their 7 prickly toes? Lavender, where did you get this information from? Are you sure you-"
And then Luna had to go somewhere very important, and couldn't finish her sentence.
Hermione was furious. "To even think that those two airheads wrote that I am in love with Draco Malfoy! How dare they!"
Ron stopped grumbling at looked up eagerly. "Airheads? Hermione, you have airheads? The muggle candy that's out of control? WHERE?"
She looked at Ron disgustedly. "I have been publically humiliated, and you think of MUGGLE CANDY?" she shouted.
Ron looked sad.
"This is why they wrote about you Ron! You are obsessed with Muggle Candy! You've got a problem!" Harry told him quietly.
"I DO NOT HAVE A PROBLEM!"
"Yes you do!"
"No I don't!"
"Yes you DO!"
"No I DON'T!
"Ferenzonaba!"
"What? Who's Ferenzonaba? What is it with all these people and Ferenzonaba? That's all they say to me, Ferenzonaba! They don't explain it, they just yell Ferenzonaba! What kind of idiot comes up with the name Ferenzonaba," said Ron, angrily.
"A red haired one," Harry mumbled, snickering. Ron looked up,
"Hey guys? Can we leave the muggle candy subject and get back to my problem? Draco Malfoy?" Hermione said angrily.
"Well sorry Hermione, but this article about my obsession with muggle candy really got to me..."
"Lavender and Parvati write about you being ugly and all you think of is the article about you and your obsession with muggle candy?" Hermione asked in disbelief.
"They didn't say I'm ugly, they just said I was less hot than Harry and Malfoy. That doesn't bother me, I mean look at Harry and Malfoy and you can see how-" Ron started to say, but Harry cut him off.
"Please Ron, for all our sakes, don't finish that sentence," said Harry, shuddering.
"I just can't believe this! Twisting my words around to make it seem like I'm in love with him! How did they hear our conversation? 'First my essay, then this!'Oh no, what'll I say to Malfoy? He'll just get more ammo to make fun of me!" Hermione fretted, wringing her hands and glancing at the Slytherin table. Malfoy was nowhere to be seen.
"Seriously, Hermione, read the article! It's demeaning, that's what it is," Ron said, completely ignoring what Hermione had said before.
"Ron, if that will make you shutup and listen to what I have to say and stop being so self-centered and selfish..."
"Huh? Hermione what did you say?" Ron was confused.
"I said I'll read the damn article!"
"Good," Ron said, happily.
Ronald Weasley's obsession
By Lavender Brown and Parvati Patil
We would never have thought someone as quidditch obsessed as Ronald Weasley would ever have room in his brain for something else.
But we, the everlastingly popular Spy Girlz have the complete and total low-down on Ron's new love. No, it is not a physical love, such as the love between Draco Malfoy Resident hottie of Hogwartz! and Hermione Granger Resident prude of Hogwartz, but an obsession. Yes, Ronald Billius Weasley is obsessed... with muggle candy.
I wouldn't have thought it was possible, but Ron's mind has completely flown away with the idea of muggle candy. We asked some of our loyal readers what they thought of this.
"I think it's really stupid. What's so good about muggle candy? Our wizard candy is completely more betterer," said Lauren Gerud, 5th year Hufflepuff. "What do you mean "betterer" isn't a word? Of course it is! And who said I was a loyal reader? How could I be if you girls only-"
Lauren Gerud suddenly remembered she had detention, and ran off before she could finish.
A person who wishes not to be named said "Of course Mr. Weasley is sane. How could he not be addicted to the various charms of muggle candy? I myself enjoy a mountain of candy I've got in my...dorm." We Spy Girlz would like to tell our readers that our source might not be quite sane himself, so ignore his opinion.
"Ferenzonaba," said another source that says he fears for his life if we would tell his name. The source refused to elaborate.
We Spy Girlz have our own opinion. Ferenzonaba might be Ronald's source of muggle candy. Maybe he's got him drugged. He has seemed particular stupid lately, more so than usually. "Ferenzonaba" might be messing with his abnormally small mind.
Lavender would like to say that Ron's mind isn't abnormally small, he's just mentally challenged.
Hermione started to laugh after she had finished reading Ron's article. Ron blushed to the roots of his hair in anger.
"So, you think this is funny, do you?" Ron said furiously.
"Yes!" Hermione laughed.
"But they called me mentally challenged! And how did they find out my middle name?" Ron whined. Hermione still laughed.
"Well, what about you, huh? You got Malfoy to think about, so stop laughing at me!"
Hermione stopped laughing instantly. She sighed.
"How can I face Malfoy now?" Hermione asked desperately. "He'll go on and on about it, I'll be the talk of the whole school!"
"Hermione, why are you getting so upset? In fourth year with Rita Skeeter you weren't affected by her at all!" asked Ron.
Hermione turned pink, thinking of the previous morning with Malfoy. "I uh, I don't know, it's just...well..." she stuttered. Ron and Harry waited patiently. Hermione cleared her throat.
"It's just, it's Malfoy, it's not Harry! And I have to tutor him! And he justs gets to me!" Hermione said, not very sure herself. Why did Malfoy get to her? 'It's probably how I felt yesterday morning when he...held my hand. Which was completely disgusting! Ugh, Malfoy! He disgusts me! I hate his freaking guts! But that morning, I felt strange. Nothing that I've felt before. Besides hate. Something else, and I'm probably imagining it, but it's there. It was there.' Hermione grew uneasy as she looked at her best friends, who were waiting for her to say something. She sighed.
"I don't know you guys. I just don't know." Hermione looked at them, hoping that that would be enough. Harry and Ron both nodded.
"You're just upset, Hermione. Don't worry about it, I'm sure by the end of the day you'll have it sorted out," said Ron kindly. Hermione was grateful that Ron had finallylet the muggle candy incident go.
"But I'm just afraid to face him," Hermione said a bit ashamed that she was scared to see him.
"Hermione, you're the smartest witch at Hogwarts, and you should never let someone like Malfoy scare you," said Ron. "If you're scared, me and Harry can always help, you know, protect you a little..." Ron added, giving her a protective look.
Hermione froze. 'Oh my god, no. No body guards!' "That's okay! Both of you, I can deal with it, don't worry Ron, it's okay!" she said quickly.
Harry smiled at her. "Hermione, you shouldn't worry so much about what Malfoy will say to you. Malfoy is probably wondering what you will say to him! He's just as humiliated as you are. Why do you think he isn't at breakfast? He left as quickly as he could!"
"What are you talking about Harry?" Hermione asked.
"Take another look at the newspaper," Harry said, handing her the newspaper and pointing at something on it. Hermione leaned in to look at it:
Draco Malfoy's secret passion pg 2
Hermione grinned.
A/N: Thanks again for all the reviews! I get so happy when I see them! Okay, so the next chapter's gonna be Malfoy's reaction, and then some Hermione/Malfoy interaction. And what's going to happen to Lavender and Parvati? I have a good plan for those two Evil Laugh. Review, makes me update faster! And in case anyone is reading the Crazy Theme Song Parodys of Harry Potter, I updated that one too. I'm really liking that last one, maybe you will too?