Chapter One- Glitter and Gold
…Somewhere in the known world…
Artemis- Hi! Lead us to this fairy or you will die!
Informant- Ok! Don't kill me!
Fairy- Hello, human
Artemis- Drink this.
Fairy- Yum!
Artemis- Muahaha! You just drank holy water! Now give me the book or die!
Fairy- Noooooooooooo!
Artemis- Muahaha!
Fairy- Ok, here's the book.
Artemis- Here's the cure. Nice doin' business with ya.
Fairy- -is knocked out-
Butler- Great! Now after we translate it, we can go and do lots and lots of stakeouts.
Artemis and Butler- Yay!
… An undefined period of time later, somewhere else in the known world…
Artemis- That was really hard to translate, but I did it!
Butler and Juliet- Yay!
… Somewhere else in the known world…
Holly- Ahh! A troll! My magic!
Root- HOLLY! Go do the ritual NOW! #$! Fairy
…Somewhere else (again) in the known world, this time by a tree and a stream. Whatever…
Holly- All right, Ireland…. Mhmm… Tara… not likely… where else? I KNOW! There's a big oak tree that I can get the acorn from by the old windy river at the PLOT POINT! I can go there! (Note to self—disregard that strange thing over there on the ground, I'm sure it's not important….)
Artemis- Butler, we have our fairy! Now quick, catch it!
Holly- Ahhhhh!
Artemis gang- Yay!
…Somewhere in the UNKNOWN world…
Foaly- Julius, someone has captured Holly!
Root- #$! Mud man!
Foaly- What should we do?
Root- I'm going out to find her.
Foaly- YOU?
Root- Yes me!
Foaly- No, really, YOU?
Root- grrrrr….
…Back to the known world, in a car, at the docks…
Artemis- Well, now that I have this fairy technology, why don't we go and blow up a whaler? I hate those things anyway.
Butler- Wait, what does this have to do with anything?
Artemis- -placing camera- Leave the thinking to the geniuses, won't you? I just need to get on the whaler for a moment, so go and do what you do best.
Butler- Fine, whatever. I'll provide the distraction
Dock hands- Ahhhh!
Butler- Roar!
…In that one whaling ship that Artemis doesn't like, in the frozen foods department…
Root- Why am I in a freezer?
Artemis- Hi, I'm Artemis Fowl the Second, and you're here because I, Artemis Fowl the Second, planted a bomb. (Notice the name—ARTEMIS FOWL THE SECOND.)
Root- Wait a sec, let me write that down, A… r…. Hold it, did you just say bomb?
Artemis- sigh
Root- NOOOOOOOOO!
Artemis- Muahahahahahahahahaaaa! 3…2…1… BOOM!
Bomb- Boom.
Root- AHHHHH!
…At a very defined place in the known world, to be precise, a small, recently constructed cement holding room designed to keep a relatively war-like fairy hostage for an undefined period of time in the basements of Fowl Manor, somewhere in Ireland…
Holly- Where am I?
Juliet- Hi little fairy-type girl!
Holly- AHH! A GIANT BUG-EYED MONSTER!
Juliet- No I'm not, they're sunglasses.
Holly- Yes you are!
Juliet- NO I'M NOT!
Holly- AHH! TWO MORE BUG-EYED MONSTERS!
Artemis and Butler- No we're not….
Artemis- Soon, fairy, I will have a lot of gold from the ransom fund.
Holly- No you won't.
Artemis- Yes I will.
Holly- No, you won't!
Artemis- Yes, I will!
- - -
Well everybody, here it is again. The first part of CONDENSED FOWL! I've edited it slightly, added some things, taken some others away, and overall—I like it more. So, drop a review (hint, hint, nudge, nudge) my way and tell me what you think.
And happy days!