A/N: yoddles people. Well here's chapter six. I finally got around to posting it. If I'm not struck by a violent bout of laziness I might post another chapter in like five minutes. Enjoy.

Chapter 6: Guilt Beyond Measure

Remus felt sick. Well, sicker than usual. Usually, after a transformation he managed to go to classes the next day, but today he felt so ill he considered going to the hospital wing. James and Sirius (Peter had disappeared again) advised him against it. Instead, he stayed in the dormitory feeling awful.

It wasn't the transformation that was making him ill; it was knowing that he had almost killed someone. Nausea crept up his throat as he thought about it. When he'd seen Sophilia (Sirius had told him after who it was) on the grounds, the urge to bite, to kill had become overwhelming. Why it had struck him so suddenly at that moment he did not know. At Hogsmeade, which was much more crowded than the deserted grounds, he'd never felt it that intensely. He'd never wanted to attack so viciously. Remus vomited into a pot, and lay back miserably. He'd broken free of James and Sirius's grips, charged Sophilia with such vigor he's gone hurtling over her when Sirius knocked her out of the way. It had taken all of their efforts to contain Remus enough to get him back to the Shrieking Shack, where he'd spent the rest of the night raging uncontrollably.

Remus rolled over. Why hadn't he been able to control himself, like he had before? What would've happened to him, had he killed Sophilia? Expulsion? Somehow, he knew that would have been the least of his problems. He'd probably be on his way to Azkaban. He shivered and pulled the covers up to his chin. His blood ran cold every time he thought about it. Swirling images of him transforming back into a human, with Sophilia's body at his feet, drenched in her own blood, danced before his eyes. Sirius and James saying over and over, 'we tried to stop you. You were out of control.' And Adielle's face as she cried 'how could you, you monster! You horrible monster!' and Dumbledore's calm disappointed face as he expelled him.

Remus awoke with a gasp. It was dusk out on the grounds. His stomach growled, but he didn't want to go to dinner. He didn't want to see Sophilia. He knew it was absurd thought, but he felt that if he saw her again it would awake the same murderous feeling he'd had last night. He buried his head in his pillow, trying to block out the thoughts. The dormitory door swung open. Remus pretended he was asleep. He didn't feel like talking to Sirius or whoever it was.

"I brought you some food," said a beautiful voice, a voice he'd never heard inside the boy's dormitory except in his own head. He opened his eyes, to see Adielle smiling in a concerned way, holding a tray full of food.

"James said you were ill, so I brought you up some dinner. They would have come themselves, but I…um…I said I'd like to." Her voice trailed off and ever in the fading light he could see her cheeks turn pink.

"Oh, yeah, thanks." He said sitting up. The covers fell away revealing his bare chest, and to his horror, the scar on his upper arm from when he'd been bitten by the werewolf. But he couldn't cover himself up now; it'd look stupid. Adielle placed the tray on the foot of his bed, and sat on Peter's bed awkwardly. Remus ran his fingers through his hair feeling odd, and picked up a piece of bread from the tray.

"So, are you feeling better?" she asked after a few minutes.

Remus swallowed and shrugged, "Yeah, I guess so. I'll be in classes anyway."

Adielle smiled warmly, "Oh, that's good. I missed you in History of Magic."

She blushed again; Remus pretended he hadn't noticed. He'd suddenly had the strongest feeling to confess everything to her. He wanted to tell her everything about his 'furry little problem', and how he'd almost killed Sophilia. But his practical side subdued the bold feeling. Adielle would probably be horrified that he'd almost killed her friend, and consequently never want to speak to him ever again. The last thing he wanted was for her to think he was some sort of monster, but then, he thought bitterly, he was a monster.

"Remus, are you okay? Do you want me to leave?" she sounded concerned. Did she know how much of a monster he was? Should he tell her? She'd be safer if she left him, if she stayed as far away from him as possible.

"Yes, I want you to leave." He said, not looking at her.

"Oh…well, alright. Hope you feel better." She sounded hurt, but she closed the door behind her softly.

Remus flopped down on his pillow miserably. He kept telling himself it was better this way. It was better if he made her hate him. Then, she'd stay away from him; she wouldn't get close to him if she loathed him. For a wild moment he thought he'd make the other Marauders hate him too, then he couldn't hurt them either. Fortunately, he remembered they were Animagi and he couldn't hurt them. This only made him feel a little better. He imagined if it had been Adielle instead of Sophilia he'd attacked. He shuddered. He wouldn't be able to live with himself if he hurt her like that. He beat his pillow unhappily. It was better if she hated him.

The door opened again. He groaned inwardly.

"You should eat, you won't get better if you don't." said the matter of fact voice that belonged to Lily "And you're going to be better tomorrow. And you're going to go to Adielle and apologize for being rude to her when all she did was worry about your well being."

Remus stared at her, then said defiantly, "No."

"Why?" she demanded, crossing the room to stand next to his bed. She looked quite intimidating, but Remus simply glared back at her. "Why have you suddenly decided to be the world's biggest prat all of a sudden? She was practically in tears you know. She's trying to convince herself that you're just agitated from lack of food."

Remus fumbled for words for a moment. He opened his mouth, but Lily cut him off. Her tone was suddenly much softer.

"This is about your 'furry little problem' as James so quaintly puts it, isn't it?"

He looked up at her alarmed. How did she know about that? Did James tell her? How dare he! Did she know about Sophilia too?

"Look, Remus, nobody blames you for attacking Sophilia. Don't tear yourself apart over it; just be a bit more cautious in the future. I advise not roaming around so much, until you know you've got a handle on things. Anyway, if you think making people hate you is a good way of not hurting them, you're wrong. Actually, you'll probably hurt them more by being nasty to them. You don't have to tell Adielle all about your problems, but you should be civil to her. She probably wouldn't be afraid of you if you did tell her. You're not dangerous Remus, you've just got a couple issues," she gave him a lopsided grin, "And haven't we all got our issues? Well, good night. See you tomorrow."

She left, closing the door rather louder than Adielle did. Remus devoured all the food on the tray, suddenly ravenous. He was feeling extremely happy with the fact that Lily knew his secret. He wouldn't tell Adielle, yet anyway, but he would apologize. Lily was right, he wasn't dangerous. Not all the time, just once a month. He suddenly felt very energized and contemplated going and apologizing right that instant. But then, he decided, Adielle thought he was ill. If he got up now, she'd be suspicious. After all, someone as smart and pretty and wonderful as she was, was bound to guess something was up.

Door opened once again and James walked in carrying a pile of books, "Thought you'd like to catch up on your homework." He said tipping the pile onto Remus' bed. Remus grabbed a book and said, "Excellent." Then he remembered that James had told Lily his secret. Though it had turned out to be a good thing, he couldn't help but feel a bit angry that James had betrayed his trust.

"You told Lily about my…problem." He said slowly looking at James, who stared awkwardly at his shoes.

"Yeah, when she followed us that one time." James said hesitantly "Sorry, Moony, it's just, I know she'd true to her word. She was threatening to tell the whole school. Anyway, I made her promise not to tell anyone, and she hasn't. Nobody knows that she knows except me, her and now you."

Remus studied his friend for a moment. His anger didn't last long. After all, Lily had proved helpful, and she'd been true to her word like James said.

"Alright," he said lightly "So how much junk do I have to do for Mcgonagall, this fine evening?"

James looked relieved that he'd been forgiven so quickly, and hastened to tell Remus about the amount of work he had to do. Remus did his homework without complaint. Two essays could hardly dampen his mood that night. Gazing out the window into the darkness, he felt that the night had never seemed more friendly and bright. He even enjoyed the presence of the waning moon, as it shone on his face.

A/N: hope you liked that. REVIEW. Please. I haven't gotten one review for this story yet and I would like to know if I'm wasting my life posting chapters that nobody likes. Anyway, tah.