A/N: There are a lot of references to MySpace trends in here, which you might not get. But seriously, surf the scene kids on MySpace and you'll find this hilarious. Not to insult scene kids, though. Cause you could probably consider me one too.
Chapter III
Harry passed the charms hallway in anticipation, anxiously anticipating the moment in which far off in the distance he would catch a glimpse of that beautiful black and blonde, short cut, flat ironed, hair sprayed shag which belonged to his new MySpace girlfriend, by the name of ALEXIS ELECTRIK X CORE (AP/VIP/ED/ADD/ADHD/FAT/UG/LY/PK/OCD/ANA/GR/SH/IT/BAD.)
There were more perfection tags, but the writing on his hand got smeared, so he couldn't read them right now.
Oh how he couldn't wait to take off those big sunglasses and let her hair down from those cute little childlike bows so he might kiss her. With any luck Ginny would be around. He did send her a comment about it. It read something like:
"OMFG we need 2 tlk meet me charms rooms plz
Harry Hardcore".
He'd decided to drop the Potter from his name in the hopes of becoming an even bigger MySpace celebrity, and he figured Hardcore was the best choice to replace it. After all, he was xStraightxEdgex to the MAX, YO!
And everyone needed to know that, if they didn't already by the giant Xs he always wore on his hands, and the mass of pins on his super cool man purse, most of them saying, "Kiss Me I'm Straight Edge" or "MySpace Celebrity". So there wasn't a great selection at Hot Topic that day, and these were on sale at the time… but come on! They did look amazing.
He looked down the hall and waved twice at a statue before realizing the hair in his eyes was obstructing his vision. He flipped it, and the problem was temporarily solved.
Yet then, he saw her. Dressed in a three inch miniskirt, skull leggings, four or five belts, a pair of pink and black vans, and her little sister's soccer t-shirt, ALEXIS ELECTRIK X CORE (AP/VIP/ED/ADD/ADHD/FAT/UG/LY/PK/OCD/ANA/GR/SH/IT/BAD. )His MySpace girlfriend. Who somehow managed to avoid the dresscode without being written up, thanks to the giant plot hole hovering above them both.
"ALEXIS ELECTRIK X CORE (AP/VIP/ED/ADD/ADHD/FAT/UG/LY/PK/OCD/ANA/GR/SH/IT/BAD)," he called, waving like a mad man, "It's Harry Hardcore!"
"Harry!" she started off at a run towards him, but as she got closer… the urge to vomit became hard to resist.
The liquid eyeliner covering most of her face was badly smeared, her perfectly messy hair looked like a wig, and she had some huge thunder thighs too.
But nevertheless… he needed to do this. For Ginny.
"Hi there," she puffed, obviously the thunder thighs were all fat, "Harry Hardcore."
"Hey," he feigned a smile, nearly puked, thought of Ginny, then smiled again.
And then flipped his hair.
"Uh… listen, I've only got. A couple minutes before, um… yeah, I got stuff to do, so you want to make this quick and let me fuck you now, and we can talk later?" But not before I block your ass, foo'!
Not very witty of him, you know, but it would do for the time, judging by the way ALEXIS ELECTRIK X CORE (AP/VIP/ED/ADD/ADHD/FAT/UG/LY/PK/OCD/ANA/GR/SH/IT/BAD)'s eyes lit up as he spoke.
"Sure!" her voice, which was annoyingly high, now that he realized it, cracked as she jumped for joy.
"Uh, okay," Harry flipped his hair and shrugged, hesitantly pressing his face towards ALEXIS ELECTRIK X CORE (AP/VIP/ED/ADD/ADHD/FAT/UG/LY/PK/OCD/ANA/GR/SH/IT/BAD), only pulling back twice before finally planting a kiss on her thin lips.
Turns out she wasn't half bad, slipping her tongue around in his mouth like a snake covered in Vaseline, in fact he was almost enjoying it. Hmm, how strange.
He pushed harder into her mouth, his hands working their way through the back of her—
Wig?
Suddenly, Harry realized he held in his black painted nails a wig of black and blonde, and that ALEXIS ELECTRIK X CORE (AP/VIP/ED/ADD/ADHD/FAT/UG/LY/PK/OCD/ANA/GR/SH/IT/BAD)'s head was suddenly very silvery.
Well, that was odd.
Suddenly ALEXIS ELECTRIK X CORE (AP/VIP/ED/ADD/ADHD/FAT/UG/LY/PK/OCD/ANA/GR/SH/IT/BAD)'s steely grey eyes became very wide, and she grabbed the mass of black and blonde from his hands, plopping it on her head. Backwards.
"Harry, um, would you mind not mentioning," a deep, masculine voice with a snotty rich accent came out of her pierced lips.
Wait a second…
Silvery hair... Grey eyes... Snotty acent… This was all very familiar.
"GODDAMMIT DRACO!" Harry yelled out suddenly, realizing that his MySpace girlfriend, in addition to being a man, also had terrible stubble, "WHY DO YOU HAVE TO RUIN MY LIFE?"
He quickly ran into the Charms room, found the nearest corner, and started to cry big, juicy tears of emoness. Which he now collected in a jar, he planned to mount it one day, or give it to Ginny as a sign of his love.
"Oh come now," the snotty accent drew closer, and the sound of too-big Vans clomped against the stone floor, "It isn't all bad now, is it?"
Harry nodded, still concentrating on getting that last tear out. It took a moment, and he had to think about kitties dying briefly before it finally came dripping down. The jar was almost full, and he almost ran to tell Ginny, but jumped when he realized that Draco Malfoy, still clad in drag, was staring him straight in the face, "I'll whore you."
Harry's eyes widdened, thinking gleefully of ALEXIS ELECTRIK X CORE (AP/VIP/ED/ADD/ADHD/FAT/UG/LY/PK/OCD/ANA/GR/SH/IT/BAD)- er... Draco's 24.6k friend list and the requests he'd get... He could maybe even make it to 20k himself! HA! Then he'd be a VIP rider on that new train for sure.
"Done," It was simply a no-brainer.
A/N: For anyone who doesn't know, perfection tags are things you put in your display name that shows that you're special enough to be in some kind of elite whore train or whatever. It's getting really out of hand at this point.
And another trend is to have your name be an alliteration: Ashily Acid, Harry Hardcore, Kelly Killer, etc.
And if you're seriuosly in the dark, whoring is when a MySpace celebrity, or anyone, posts a bulletin telling you to add someone else.