"Fractured Tales of the Rose Bride"
A desperate attempt on my behalf to look as cool as the other kids.
The Second Thing: Little Red Rose Bride
Once upon a time…is such an overused cliché. I mean, really. Does anybody even know what it means? It doesn't matter; this tangent is mean, so I'm telling its mother all about it and moving onto another one. There once was a girl (already you're interested, I see), and she wore the most beautiful rose-colored cloak and hood imaginable. This girl was such a picture of innocence and gaiety that everyone loved her, especially her ill older brother, whom she cared for (or at least in this version!). The girl's name was Anthy (I know, it's a shock), but because of her outfit, everyone called her Little Red Rose Bride.
I just totally blew your mind, didn't I?
It was a dark and stormy night…is another overused cliché, so I'm going to have some fun and mesh the two together! Once upon a time, on a dark and stormy night, Little Red Rose Bride decided to set out to tend to her violently sick older brother. Since it was raining quite hard and thundering as if the world would soon come to an end, it seemed the perfect time to wander out, unprepared for the weather, bearing a gift basket to help her brother in his time of need (because nothing says "this will cure anything" like a nice gift basket). And of course, as soon as Little Red Rose Bride stepped outside, she got completely soaked.
"Soaked?" blurted a nearby wolf. Now don't be alarmed, kids, this isn't the kind of wolf that's nearly endangered, nor is it the cool kind you read about in normal fairy tales—you know, the ones that eat people and make a big bloody mess, and can sometimes turn into humans and run around screwing with other people's minds. No, I'm talking about the most dangerous wolf of them all—the kind that preys on women and think they are simply divine gifts from the heavens. This one particular wolf was called Saionji, and from the moment he saw Anthy (drenched and wrestling with the wind for possession of her gift basket), he knew he had to have her.
"Soaked," he said again, staring shamelessly (you can't blame him, folks). The storm continued up to the point where any sane person would forget about traveling, even if it was to see a terminally ill brother, so naturally Anthy resumed her quest, blithely innocent to her surroundings (poor lil' lady). Saionji the wolf, believing himself a gentleman, rushed against the wind in an effort to rescue her from this inclement fate.
"Anthy!" he shouted. Roaring thunder and prevailing winds stole his voice from him, and a heavy breeze knocked the poor green-haired fool away, where he landed in a herd of elephants, which proceeded to stampede him.
Now that the running gag has gone on long enough, the storm became quiet and the sun arose from its slumber, curious to see how the world ended up in its absence. Noticing how positively wet everything was, and how absolutely soaked Anthy became, it proceeded to turn the heat up and dry everything beneath it. And of course, it's always hottest after a heavy rainstorm, when the air becomes muggy. Little Red Rose Bride no longer had to worry about being soaked by the rain, but rather by her own perspiration.
"Ah, such a hot day," she observed. "It would be nice to slip into something more appropriate for this weather."
"Never worry, Anthy!" Saionji shrieked, rising up from the stampede to assist her. "I come to you bearing outfits that are well-suited for this environment! Lo, a scanty bikini!" He rushed in front of her, holding what may as well have been dental floss and coins tied together on a string. Anthy smiled in greeting, since she had clearly never seen this person before.
"Oh, hello! Isn't it a nice day today? Wasn't that just the most terrible storm we had lately?"
"Listen, Anthy," Saionji said, approaching her swiftly, "we can forget about the smalltalk and go straight to business. The heat is unbearable, and you seem to be suffering even more in that not-so-little red riding-hood. I think you'd be much better off in this outfit, which I give to you."
"What outfit?" she asked, staring hard. Saionji held the "outfit" proudly (if it could even be called that), but the blasted thing was so miniscule, it was almost impossible to see.
"Um…why this one, of course."
"Oh…I'm sorry, but I don't see any. Will you excuse me, please? I must deliver this gift basket to my sick brother. I do not wish to keep him waiting. Thank you for your understanding." She bowed and strolled off, leaving Saionji standing there, clutching the strings and the coin-sized material. A droplet of sweat trickled down his face, and suddenly, for no reason at all, the elephants came back and chased him away.
"THIS IS NANAMI'S SCHTICK!" he screamed. "I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO BE CHASED BY THESE THINGS! WHERE ARE THE PLOT POLICE WHEN YOU NEED THEM!"
Elsewhere…"If it cannot break out of its shell, the chick will die without ever—"
"Without ever being born, we know. We only hear it every freaking day, Touga." President Kiryuu coughed rather loudly. And this was one of Juri's better moods.
"Yes, well, I hope everyone here understands why we're gathered together." From out of nowhere, for no reason at all, a feather fell down in front of the red-haired prez.
"Indeed I do!" shouted Nanami, sporting feathers in her hair. "We are not in this section of the story at all! So far it has that weirdo Anthy, and that creep Saionji! I feel it's an insult to forget all about us, especially after the trauma we were put through!"
"Consider it to be the act of dodging a great bullet," Juri suggested, playing with a feather in her hands. "Would you want to further humiliate yourself, or would you rather stand aside and let others take the fall?"
"Neither!" Nanami screamed, pointing a peacock feather at the older woman. "I want the chance to redeem myself! Appearing in as many stories as possible is the only way I can do that!"
"This conversation is getting us nowhere," said Miki, trying on a pair of Icarus wings. "And besides, aren't you acting a bit, well…"
"A bit what!" He hesitated. A tiny dove's feather trickled down, landing on the floor above a raven's feather.
"Well, a bit—"
"Flighty," said Juri, blowing a feather out of her hand. Naturally, Nanami screamed at the bad pun, and a flock of birds sailed by in the background.
……
Making the best of the unseasonable season, Little Red Rose Bride strolled carelessly down the winding path, gradually making her way to the house of her morbidly ill sibling (I swear, the guy gets worse every time I talk about him). Saionji, knowing that the only chance he'd have with Anthy would be in her brother's house, decided to take a shortcut. Now why Little Red Rose Bride never bothered to take this path was a mystery—I mean, you'd think she'd be in a hurry to save her brother from drowning in his own vomit—but this is Anthy we're talking about, and let's face it, she's not the sharpest bulb in the cupboard.
Saionji arrived first, no surprise there, and took a moment to study his surroundings. Anthy's brother, who he could only assume to be Akio (it ain't Kunihiko Ikuhara), lived in a snug little cottage, nestled in a very rustic part of the woods (hey, I studied grammar in college, and I'll darn well use those big words whenever I like!). Saionji knew he had to sneak in and assume the role of Akio in order to trick Anthy, but he was smart enough to not try the door. A helpless invalid would keep it locked, so first he opened the window. It was covered with snails.
After expressing his disgust, Saionji climbed up on the roof of the cottage and tried slipping in through the chimney, but alas, it was home to a ravenous mongoose. Finally, feeling frustrated, he decided to dig his way through, and donned a hard hat and a miner's pick just for the occasion. He got about halfway there before he ran into—yup, you guessed it—the octopus. After meeting with so many impossible obstacles, Saionji rested on the door, exhausted and thrust into a state of disbelief. Without any effort on his part, the door opened, and he toppled inside.
It took him awhile to stop cursing. When he could speak like a civilized gent, the ungallant knight rose and made his way to Akio's room, grinning like the lunatic he was. He found the poor sick man in bed, reading quietly, a fire roaring in the distance and at the head, a circlet of feathers, no doubt having some connection to the non sequitur scene change earlier. Akio looked up, noticed his non-Anthy guest, and expressed little alarm.
"I was expecting my sister," he said, "but what difference does it make? One taboo is as good as another." Akio unfurled the bed covers, revealing a space reserved for the next guest—along with quite a bit of his "person", if you know what I mean. Needless to say, Saionji was taken off guard.
"No way, man! The Sai-man does not swing that way! I'm getting out of here before something really bad happens!" He leaped out the window, smashing through the snails, and before he had the chance to regain his senses, the elephants returned and chased him away. Meanwhile, Akio sighed.
"Oh well, too bad. It could've been fun. But at least my sister will stay."
All the while this was happening, Little Red Rose Bride was minding her business along the great winding path. The day's unbearable heat was lessening—probably because taking the long way put her in a lot of shade—and the journey was nearly complete. However, before she could catch sight of her brother's snug, rustic, little, nestled cottage, a surprise waited in store for her along the trail. It was Saionji, gasping and pale, dripping with the sweat of fear. He saw Anthy and gave her the most frightening look.
"Oh Little Red Rose Bride," he lamented, "I have been such a fool. If I truly had fallen for you and married you as I should have, I would no doubt be the in-law of that perverse scoundrel of a brother you have. Now I'm glad I never had anything to do with that!"
"Oh Saionji," she gushed, "what big angry veins you have!"
"All the better to be irritated with. He offered…he offered… Anthy, my love, do you know what your brother offered?"
"And oh, Saionji, what a big scowl you have!"
"All the better to express my frustration with. Your brother offered something I wish never to be a part of again."
"And oh, Saionji, what a great big huge gigantic enormous gargantuan sword you have!"
"All the better to—" He froze, unwilling to say it. Suddenly, Utena fell out of the sky and landed on him.
"Revolutionary Girl Action!" she shouted, striking a pose. Anthy smiled cutely and clapped.
"What an entrance! You really know how to put on a show, Miss Utena!"
"It was nothing," she giggled humbly. "So, are you ready? I came to save you just in time."
"That is true, Miss Utena. I'm ready whenever you are." Utena smiled brightly, took Little Red Rose Bride by her hand, and together, they walked away into the sunset, where they would find their own snug little rustic cottage nestled in the woods to settle in. Saionji, in the meantime, was left with the gift basket (which Anthy forgot) and quite a record-breaking headache.
"Anthy…my true darling…I've had another change of heart. I'll be your husband even if I have to be related to your peculiar brother! Anything for you!"
"Saionji!" exclaimed Akio's voice from behind. The poor man wheeled around to see him standing there, healthy and glowing. "Did you bring me," he grinned, "a gift basket?"
"Oh noooooooooooooo!"
The EndStay tuned for the next installment.
Please?