"Fractured Tales of the Rose Bride"
This time, it's hysterical.
Fore: Jack of All Trades
"If it cannot break out of its shell…"
"If I cannot break out of this mold, I will die before truly reaching my potential. Therefore, I find it necessary in the utmost to interject at this time!"
"Miss Nanami interrupts the flow of order with the same lethal precision she uses in daily life. She's like a carnivore!"
"Do you find my methods questionable, Miki? I merely wish to renovate my image. Is it so wrong for somebody who has been portrayed as evil to want to climb the ladder and find goodness?"
"No, but you know the old saying. Two wrongs do not make a right."
"We're going left," said Juri, leaving the elevator.
"So far, I haven't liked the arrangement at all," Nanami stated, folding a sheet of construction paper into origami. "Except for the first one, all I've been reduced to is cameos." Miki studiously focused on his own project, producing three origami giraffes one after the other.
"Be thankful for that at least. Some of us still haven't been given a good part."
"I'm not the kind to feel content with mediocrity!" Nanami yelled, crumbling her first origami creation into a ball. "You know that, Kaoru. I must become better than the best!"
"It's the ultimate goal of all humans to evolve beyond their current state," Juri noted, stacking her origami dolls atop each other. "Why else do you think we spent several million years reaching for this point? And who's to say we've finished? I can understand your desires, but…"
"But what, Juri?" She sighed, noticing how tall her tower was getting.
"Just don't set the bar so high that you can't reach over it." The tower crumbled, an origami menagerie scattering in the breeze.
………
Once upon a time in a faraway land, there lived a young boy named Mitsuru Tsuwabuki, but everyone called him Jack (for reasons too offensive to explain here). Jack was a boy with many talents: he could sit in corners sticking his thumb in pies; he could be nimble and he could be quick, demonstrating his ability to jump over a candlestick; he could even climb beanstalks with the best of them. However, whenever he went up a hill to fetch a pail of water, he only fell down to break his crown, and he could eat no fat.
Next door to this boy Jack lived a girl named Nanami Kiryuu, but everyone called her Jill (again, so offensive that I'll be deported for writing why). Jill was always treating Jack like a slave, but since Jack was devoted to the older girl, he gladly put himself as her servant and performed her every command with earnest compliance. One fine day, Jack and Jill went up the hill together; their families badly needed the water, for a drought had stricken the land.
"I'd be more than happy to carry both pails for you, Miss Nanami," Jack offered. The half-cow, half-peacock gave him her usual snobbish smile.
"That would be excellent. Whatever would I do without you, Mitsuru?"
"I'm sure you'd be a very capable person." Jill considered this for a moment.
"Hmm… Perhaps." As the two went up the hill, Jack couldn't help but notice how many candlesticks were in the way—something about leftovers from the Black Rose Saga. In any case, Jack's nimbleness and quick leaping got him over the flaming hurdles, whereas Jill was sadly forced to walk around them.
"Unbelievable," she muttered. "What in the world are all these candlesticks doing here? Don't people know they could start a fire?"
"I think they're here to light the way," Jack suggested. "Remember, this hill is treacherous, especially when it's dark. Too many people have broken their crowns tumbling down it." Jill made a face and followed at her usual queenly pace. When they got to the top, Jack filled both their pails, and let Jill drink deep from the cool water. They turned around and went back the way they came, but suddenly—for the very first time ever—one of Jack's plans to save Jill went the wrong way. She fell, tumbling down the hill, screaming and cursing all the way. Jack feared that she too would break her crown, and so abandoned the pails of water and rushed to save her, making sure to jump over the candlesticks.
The result of this unfortunate accident was tragic: Jill had indeed broken her crown, and to make things seem worse, Jack escaped certain crown-breaking without so much as a scratch. As his beloved Jill laid comatose on a bed, Jack swore with a clenched fist to save her, taking whatever measures were necessary. Unfortunately, there was only one cure for a broken crown, and only one place to find it. Jack would need to yank out the plum of a Christmas pie with his thumb, plant the fruit, and climb the magic beanstalk that sprouted from it to face the giant who owned the medicine. He went right to work.
And so, little Jack Horner sat in the corner, eating the Christmas pie. He stuck in his thumb and pulled out a plum—"Oh how relieved am I!" he exclaimed. Wasting no time, he raced outside (again jumping over relentless candlesticks) and planted the plum in the garden. Jack stood back (hey, I rhymed!) and waited. And waited. And waited. Day slowly turned dark, and still the magic beanstalk had not yet sprouted. He wondered if he had done everything right, when suddenly, a gigantic vine shot out of the earth, making its way to the clouds in record time. Jack stood aghast at how rapidly the thing grew (and at such an opportune time!), but quickly girded himself for the journey skyward, and leaped upon it, shimmying by his hands and knees.
Like a slug struggling to evolve, sprouting bones and flesh and then angelic wings, so too was Jack, scaling the infinite height of the beanstalk in his noble quest. Pausing briefly to assess his progress, he noticed the small town where he lived was no longer visible, nor even very many of the surrounding neighborhoods. An hour passed before the borders separating the countries became indistinguishable. Another hour passed before the air started to thin, and the sheer distance from the ground began to affect him. Jack was not acrophobic, but anybody would tremble at this height, even if they were doing it for Jill.
The beanstalk wrapped itself around a large cloud and deposited the young hero into the fluffy new wilderness. Amazed that he could stand upon what should've been an enormous mass of fog and steam, Jack took a moment to study his surroundings. His examination proved disappointing: aside from the leaflets hanging over the clouds and an astonishingly large house, there was little to this Nimbus-land. His first steps were cautious, because nobody's quite sure if the cloud will really hold their weight. After getting adjusted to the soft ground, Jack approached the enormous building, and wondered if he should knock or just try to find a way inside.
"I must go on!" he exclaimed to himself. "I must find a way to cure Miss Nanami! Here goes nothing…" He braced himself for the worst and banged on the immense door. He didn't expect the portal to open so smoothly, or to be so quiet as it swung, making way for him. Jack wondered if a friendly giant roamed these parts—but was given the surprise of his young life as he beheld the guardian.
"Fee-fie-foe-CHU! Fee-fie-foe-CHU!"
"Holy gargantuan gorillas!" he roared, practically leaping out of his skin. "Chu-Chu is super-sized!"
"Fee-fie-foe-CHU! Fee-fie-foe-CHU!" Ultra Chu-Chu lumbered towards poor Jack, every step like an earthquake, every sound like the roar of an airplane. Suddenly, our hero realized just how near this behemoth was getting, and made a run for it.
"DON'T SQUISH ME!"
"Fee-fie-foe-CHU! Fee-fie-foe-CHU!"
"I DON'T WANNA DIE!"
"Fee-fie-foe-CHU! Fee-fie-foe-CHU!"
"WHY COULDN'T I HAVE BEEN PUT IN ANOTHER STORY! WHY DID I HAVE TO BE THE HERO OF THIS ONE?"
"Fee-fie-foe-CHU! Fee-fie-foe-CHU!"
"WHERE'S THE PLOT POLICE WHEN YOU NEED THEM! AAAAHHH!"
Meanwhile…"Keh-tchuu!"
"Again?" Juri murmured, noticing Miki's habitual sneezing. "That seems to happen a lot. Are you allergic to anything?"
"Just people breaking the fourth wall," he muttered, wiping his face with a tissue.
And now, we return to our hero!"I CAN'T RUN FROM THIS THING FOREVER! I HAVE TO GET MISS NANAMI'S MEDICINE!"
"Fee-fie-foe-CHU! Fee-fie-foe-CHU!"
"Wait a minute!" he proclaimed, skidding to a sudden halt. "I was in such a hurry to save my own life, I had forgotten about the medicine! Oh, I hope Miss Nanami can forgive me!" Suddenly, a black shadow covered Jack and most of the floor. The colossal Chu-Chu loomed over him, eyes shining with malice.
"CHU!" Jack wheeled around and glared at his foe.
"Enough of this! I didn't come all the way here just to be chased around by you! I came here to find a cure for Miss Nanami's broken crown, and I will not leave until I get it!" A pause. The monstrosity turned around and fumbled for something behind its back.
"CHU…" Jack was startled to find an immense bottle of medicine thrust before his face. He wondered if this was really what he was looking for, or if the giant creature was merely luring him in for a trap. He knew he couldn't hesitate, so with his usual nimbleness, he quickly grabbed the bottle, clutching it tightly.
"Thank you," he said, bowing. Giant Chu-Chu waved politely.
"CHU-CHU!" Then he came after Jack again, a malicious look in his eyes. Jack screamed and scrambled back to the safety of the beanstalk.
"OH CRAP, NOT AGAIN! WHY DO I ALWAYS END UP GETTING CHASED BY SOME HUGE THING!" He froze suddenly as he felt the clouds beneath him give way. Apparently, the additional weight of the medicine bottle had disrupted the balance of the otherwise-illogical platform, thus causing him to…well, sink. Enormous Chu-Chu walked over to where Jack fell and peered down, finding it amusing to see him scream all the way towards the surface and land, quite beautifully, in a puff of smoke, ala Wile E. Coyote.
And so…"That was awfully nice of you, Mitsuru!" Jill gushed, clasping her hands together in thanks. "Because of your bravery and quick-thinking, I was able to repair my crown and get back on my feet again. I can already feel the redemption flowing!"
"Mmt's mmd," muttered poor Jack, covered head to toe in bandages. Needless to say, that fall from the sky hadn't been kind to him. He was reduced to being Jill's patient now, and Jill wanted to make sure that her hero got the best of care.
"Now Mitsuru," she said, pointing at him, "I want you to know that as soon as you get out of that bed, you're going to have to make up for lost time. I know you're worried about me, but you need to rest. I'll just have to tough it out until then."
"Mmkay, Mff Mnamni. Uhh mmk mrr muh met muttr."
"Goodness," she mused to herself, "this will be a great chance for me to really shine! Ladies and gentlemen, presenting Lady Nanami Kiryuu, out to face the whole world by herself! Crowds love an independent woman!" She smiled gaily; Jack tried hard to mirror her mirth. As long as she was happy, then he was too. A knock came at the door just then, and Nanami went to answer it. She growled for a moment as she saw it was Anthy on the other end.
"Oh. It's you. Mitsuru, your nurse is here!"
"Mmkay!"
"And you!" she blurted, stabbing poor Anthy with her finger. "You mistreat him in any way and you'll have me to answer to!"
"Oh…" Anthy watched cluelessly as Nanami stormed off, but returned to her usual lovably naïve self once she was alone. "And how are you doing today, Mitsuru?"
"Mmkay, Mff Umffy."
"Very good! I brought along a little friend to cheer you up!" Jack briefly wondered who this little friend was—and then got his answer as he saw Chu-Chu popping out, squealing in greetings. He could be forgiven for screaming.
The EndStay tuned for the next installment.
Ladies drink free.